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Finding purpose


Carolina Girl

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2 hours ago, Carolina Girl said:

. . . Anyone else feel like the only one that can comfort you is the one that is gone.

I think we all feel that way. I certainly do. 

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15 hours ago, Carolina Girl said:

Anyone else feel like the only one that can comfort you is the one that is gone.

Yes, because it's true.  :(  I've had to learn to totally rely on myself, bring the gift of understanding, patience, comfort to myself, there is no one else last I looked.  :(

But I do imagine him cheering me on, proud of me, that helps.

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18 hours ago, Carolina Girl said:

Anyone else feel like the only one that can comfort you is the one that is gone.

Caroline Girl:  Oh yeah. I definitely feel that way. And he was my purpose in life too. I thoroughly enjoyed doing things for him to make him happy. And that was because he made me happy. We were two peas in a pod. I'm 57, love him too much and do not want to ever remarry. And given my health condition, I doubt anyone would be interested in me anyway. But really, I just want to figure out how to carry this grief inside me into the future where I can enjoy some sort of life again. I think he'd want that. Hope you find your own way into some sort of comfortable life. I think the grief will always be with us but it doesn't have to be the only thing. You are still very early into your grief. You are going to feel sad so feel it. Don't deny yourself of these feelings. I am so very sorry for your loss. You've come to the right place tho. You'll make many supportive friends here and it will help you gain back some of your strength. But we've got a long ways to go....    

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I lost my "Big Joy" (George) when he died but now look for the "little joys"...nothing too small or insignificant to count!  (Comparisons are joy killers as they devalue what is.so I try not to go there).  Doing so has changed my life, I've learned to appreciate, and practice the spirit of gratefulness, there are things to be thankful for if we are open to looking for them and be aware of them...I embrace them.  It's changed my life!  I started practicing this on day 11 of my grief journey when God used a dragonfly refrigerator magnet to get my attention!  I do want to add that it took years to process my grief, and years more to find purpose...it is in being here for others going through grief.  I believe in using what we go through to help others, it lends meaning to all of our suffering.  I've done the same thing with my diabetic journey, am now adm & mod. on two diabetic sites.  One is just starting out, and one has 6200 members from all over the world.  But it honestly is exciting to learn in that area as well.

Find joy in every day.jpg

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19 hours ago, Carolina Girl said:

the God inside of me helps me get back up, shake myself and do something about it.  Yes, I’m lonely!  Yes, I miss him so much.  I have surrounded myself with friends and they keep me going.  It’s new friends....not married ones.  I am going to make a new post on how I did this!

Carolina Girl:  That's great! Hope to read your new thread/post soon. I pray every day for God to keep strengthening my faith in Him. I think if I pray for that, God will help me get through this horrid grief and the other stressful stuff I am going through right now. It's good that you are surrounding yourself with new but unmarried friends. Smart. Especially if they offer you peace and joy.   

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foreverhis
On 9/19/2021 at 5:40 PM, Carolina Girl said:

 Anyone else feel like the only one that can comfort you is the one that is gone.

Yes, absolutely.  I don't expect that feeling will ever go away.

One of the reasons I was kind of a hermit my first several months was that I couldn't stand to be around people.  It made me feel even more alone, though I know company helps others.  Aside from our best friends who are family, my sister (by birth) and BIL, and a few neighbors occasionally, I stayed by myself.  I had limits on how much time I could spend with anyone.  I even figured out what errands needed to be done each week and tried to consolidate them into one trip so I only had to leave the house once.

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51 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

One of the reasons I was kind of a hermit my first several months was that I couldn't stand to be around people.

foreverhis:  After being alone for several months and then having my husband pass away, I desperately needed people. Or at least somebody. Now that I have been living with Francis and her family and around her adult children coming/going and her grandchildren, I find myself looking for a little alone time. Just a little privacy and peace and quiet. Seems a lot of noise or activity makes me jittery or wears me out. I can't set up my laptop in my room because I need to plug it in and there just isn't the room in there and the cord can't reach the power strip or outlet. So I wait to use the kitchen table. And some days it is just not possible. But I do think I understand what you meant about being around people when you were still in your early days of grief.    

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foreverhis

@tnd  It's so true that we each have to find the balance that works for us in whether to be around people, especially at first.  I can sure understand why you are happy to be where you are for the most part, but in desperate need of alone time for your grief.  I hope so much that your SSA case is processed soon so that you can begin to make plans to have a place of your own.

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2 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I hope so much that your SSA case is processed soon so that you can begin to make plans to have a place of your own.

foreverhis:  Thanks. I hope to get my own place real soon. I keep looking online at nearby apartments but the rent is so outrageous. I find myself frustrated and depressed by that so I sign off before it really does me in. I think my search will go better once I know how much in benefits I will be getting. 

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20 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

Do we have to have a purpose before we can find any joy in life again?

No, it took me years to find purpose but I looked for the little joys each day along my journey, I learned to embrace them, no matter how small, little things.  When I began to practice that it changes my outlook and I definitely haven't missed out on joy.

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17 hours ago, tnd said:

I find myself looking for a little alone time.

I find I need balance, solitude AND getting out around people for a while.  Some days I don't have that beyond a wave to a neighbor, but it's a connection at least.  Kodie helps me a lot.

17 hours ago, tnd said:

I keep looking online at nearby apartments but the rent is so outrageous.

Maybe get on the list for rental assistance?  Here it can be a two year wait but I know one person who got one after just one month!  It helps to get approved so it's there when you're ready.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Maybe get on the list for rental assistance?  Here it can be a two year wait but I know one person who got one after just one month! 

KayC:  Did it. The wait time is 5-6 YEARS right now but I entered a "lottery" where they will draw 5,000 names and those who are picked will be put on a 2 year waiting list. Gee...that's so much shorter (sarc). This is part of my anger right now. The fact that I am even in this situation makes me mad.  

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I pray it'll be sooner for you.  This is insane.  What do they think people will do in the meantime?  Sleep at a homeless camp?  They need to do something about the high rents!  I know I couldn't afford to rent an apt. right now.  When I was young it was affordable.  My daughter has to room with someone and it takes most of her income even then!

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My husband was my purpose also and I felt as you did, for many years, no zest for life, hobbies no longer interested me, nothing seemed to have meaning, it took hard work to build a life I could live...then Covid came along and destroyed it.  

I do believe that each of us has the opportunity to use what we've gone through to help others going through it...in so doing we can find purpose, whether it's cancer, loss, abuse, brain injury, whatever the hard journey we've been on, we've learned through it.  That has helped me in looking at the bigger picture, not just the small glimpse I can see in the moment.

It is the hardest thing in the world to try to get out of ourselves and join the rest of the land of the living...made only harder now by Covid.  But what choice do we have?  It's easy to hole up but we weren't made to live like this continually, it can get us down.

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I really have no idea what my purpose will be now without my husband. The Social Security Admin just sent me some forms to fill out regarding my Widows Benefits (for those age 50+ with a disability). There were questions about my work history, interests and hobbies. Well, I doubt that after working since the age of 12 that they will believe that being a housewife these last several years was also "a job" AND cooking, cleaning, running errands and being a good wife looking out for her husband were my "interests and hobbies". 

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tnd, you might list those things anyway, whether it means anything to them or not, it's accurate for YOU!

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