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Are You Angry At Your Beloved?


tnd

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I know it's not like he left me on purpose but I am angry with him. I'm angry that he's not here. I'm angry at him for a lot of reasons. I'm not blaming him for my current situation and having to live in someone else's home with people I barely know but if we had prepared better for the future and not lost our nest egg and neither of us had gotten sick, I may be in better shape. I may still be sleeping in my own bed. I might even be able to properly grieve. But everything is turned upside and somewhere in this mountain of chaos and the fragments or splinters left of my life, is my grief and now anger. He was the one that made things okay for us. I worked hard too but in the last several years it was all on him. And now he's gone. And I am angry. I didn't expect it to be but no, anger has now reared it's ugly head. I don't like it and want it gone. I don't need to deal with this on-top of everything else. What do you do with it? 

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I think in the short term at least, you accept that this is not uncommon and that it's reasonable given everything you're dealing with and it doesn't make you a bad person. You have every right to be angry - downright furious - at your situation. You know it isn't his "fault" and I think he knows you know. That doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. Let the damn thing play itself out. Vent, curse, scream if you must (preferably with no one around :) ). It won't be there forever. 

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I felt it, I felt abandoned, but it didn't last...I knew things with my head but your feelings are what they are and don't need to make rational sense.  By my way of looking at it our feelings CAN sometimes be good but other times it feels they are just somethin else to contend with.  Do try not to worry unduly about your feelings, they're normal in grief, even when they make no sense.  Nothing makes sense right now anyway. :(

I hate the word "stage" as it brings up the five stages of grief, which has been debunked and was written for terminally ill not grievers, but this is a worthy read:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/01/is-anger-one-of-stages-of-grief.html
I especially want to call attention to a sentence in which she states:

Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. And for some of us, being angry may be preferable to feeling the underlying hurt and pain of loss.

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14 hours ago, widower2 said:

You know it isn't his "fault" and I think he knows you know. That doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. Let the damn thing play itself out.

widower2:  Thanks. I've always told people that I don't believe in self deprivation, meaning I don't believe in denying my own feelings. I may not agree with some people and  they may not agree with me but my feelings are my own and I'll be darned to deny or deprave myself of my own feelings. So you are right. Altho my husband isn't to blame, I feel angry at this whole situation and the day in/day out grieving and crying and the waking up each day to sort more things/messes out. Just hope this anger subsides at some point. It's negative and wasting what little energy I have.  

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. And for some of us, being angry may be preferable to feeling the underlying hurt and pain of loss.

KayC:  Thank you for that. I like this quote. Especially the part that says "they just are". I wasn't really expecting to be angry but I am. Better to acknowledge it I guess than push it away with guilt or shame. I want to release it.   

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9 hours ago, tnd said:

widower2:  Thanks. I've always told people that I don't believe in self deprivation, meaning I don't believe in denying my own feelings. I may not agree with some people and  they may not agree with me but my feelings are my own and I'll be darned to deny or deprave myself of my own feelings. So you are right. Altho my husband isn't to blame, I feel angry at this whole situation and the day in/day out grieving and crying and the waking up each day to sort more things/messes out. Just hope this anger subsides at some point. It's negative and wasting what little energy I have.  

I think it will. It's simply part of the "thrashing about" we do as we wrestle with the darkness. 

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It took me some looking to find out what POS means regarding a person, I've heard it before and wondered but never looked it up, I gathered it was derogatory.  So I found out there are 106 slang meanings!  Haha, I finally came to the one you meant.  :D  I get it, I hear you!

 

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My anger has subsided, a little. Yesterday was a long day and a frustrating one at that. Lots of anger. Had a lot to do and nothing was going right. And then as usual, lots of tears upon getting into bed for the night. But today is a new day and so far, not as hard. After my cry session last night I watched a show my husband and I use to watch together. I am just now starting to watch TV again. Found myself talking to him during one of our shows last night. Kind of helped. But it also reminded me that he's not here. Depressing. Maybe once I get my own place I will make new friends and just being able to talk to people (about anything) or even about TV shows will help. I talk with Francis and her family but they watch different TV shows and often after they retreat to their room(s) for the night. So I retreat to mine and watch shows in there by myself or if I can't sleep. At least no anger today. 

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I'm glad you anger is subsiding a bit, it doesn't feel good to stay in that state for long. :wub:  It has to be hard living with others, I know you feel you're imposing, but I hope you can relax a bit and know you are right where God has you for now, and in His time He will provide you a place of your own, just as He provided this rescue haven.  ;)  Sometimes it seems He brings us to the brink as it causes us to turn to Him for reliance, gosh we're hard at getting it, at least I can be!  

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

Sometimes it seems He brings us to the brink as it causes us to turn to Him for reliance, gosh we're hard at getting it, at least I can be!  

KayC:  You could be right. I've been praying for God to help strengthen my faith in Him. And I also prayed for a miracle. Sometimes I think I worry too much or over analyze things. A lot of the time I look at my past and because so much crappola has happened to me, anymore I've come to just expect it. I don't know if that is having a bad attitude or some sort of learned reaction/reflex I have in me now but neither is good. I want my life to get better but see that it has to start with me and how I deal with it. 

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jwahlquist
On 9/19/2021 at 1:50 PM, tnd said:

He was the one that made things okay for us. I worked hard too but in the last several years it was all on him. And now he's gone. And I am angry. I didn't expect it to be but no, anger has now reared it's ugly head. I don't like it and want it gone. I don't need to deal with this on-top of everything else. What do you do with it? 

Oh, yes…….all of this!   My husband made 2 times my income.  So financially it has hurt.   Thankfully we had the insurance money to pay off the house.   But it has been a huge adjustment in every other aspect.   Then add to it that emotionally and mentally I was so whacked out and not doing well that I effectively lost my job.   I have been so a very with him and then with myself.   I still am in so many ways.   Anger doesn’t do me any good and I know that but it is so hard not to be mad.   I miss him so much……the laughter and friendship.   I miss having a partner with whom to raise my daughter.   Life has been rough but I have been making the effort.   
 

It sounds like you have been too.   Which is all that matters.  We get up…..put one foot I front of the other and make it from one day to the next.  I hope that getting your own place happens again soon for you.  I don’t know if I could have adjusted to having to move in with someone else and done as well as you have done.  

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19 hours ago, tnd said:

Sometimes I think I worry too much or over analyze things.

OMG, this is ME!  To the extreme.  Even as a child I remember my sister Polly, exasperated, exclaiming, Oh Kay, you're ALWAYS so analytical!  I was puzzled because I thought that was a good thing!  As an adult I learned that any trait carried to an extreme can be a fault, and I've had to work on trying to be more balanced.  But my tendency is over analyze.

10 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

We get up…..put one foot I front of the other and make it from one day to the next.

Yes.  We ride out the hard stages/places and try to balance with other focus like gratitude, it's a good balancer.

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17 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

 I don’t know if I could have adjusted to having to move in with someone else and done as well as you have done.  

jwahlquist:  I don't think I would have made it if I didn't find this site and make new friends on here. It's sad that we are here but thank goodness we understand each other and can share our stories and feelings. My anger has lessened but it's still there. I know we shouldn't compare ourselves to others but some people seem to just skate through life while some of us get dumped on, over and over. I guess I'm a little angry for not having had much peace in my life and now dealing with grief while having to start my life completely over again, almost right back to where I was as a young 18 year old that moved out on my own for the first time. Only back then, I could work 2-3 jobs if I had to. Now I am 57, can't work and if I'm approved for Widows Benefits, it will be a low fixed income that I am going to have to figure out how to live on. If someone were to say they wouldn't be even a little angry about that then I'd think they were lying. 

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Even as a child I remember my sister Polly, exasperated, exclaiming, Oh Kay, you're ALWAYS so analytical!  I was puzzled because I thought that was a good thing! 

KayC:  I've always been a bit overly cautious and a bit of a perfectionist but there are reasons for that. For starters, I know what happens if you're not careful...depending on what it is, it can be huge. Another reason is that I worked as a bank auditor for several years and had to be analytical or else I'd lose all credibility. I remember one of my first days as an auditor...coworkers had just returned from lunch and they were discussing the quality of their cheese burgers. I mean, they were picking it apart in their conversation and analyzing everything about a darn burger. I sat there and wondered if I was going to end up being like that. Well...

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foreverhis
7 minutes ago, tnd said:

if I'm approved for Widows Benefits, it will be a low fixed income that I am going to have to figure out how to live on

When (being optimistic here!) you are approved and depending on the amount, don't forget to ask about SSI (Supplemental Security Income).  There's a cap on income from all sources to qualify, but if your widow's benefit is below that cap, you might qualify for some SSI, which is in addition to, not instead of, other SSA benefits.

Also, and I do know you want to be independent as we all do, please consider the other discounts and benefits you might be able to receive based on income, age, or disability, or some combination.  Things like 20% discount on some/all utilities, discounted cell phone and internet service, and SNAP benefits.  Claiming everything for which you qualify could help your basic benefit go much further in paying for rent and other expenses.

I don't mention these things to seem condescending (as if you haven't done your research), but to make sure that in your stress, pain, and grief, your brain fog doesn't make you forget.  I truly want the best for you going forward. ((HUGS))

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33 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

lease consider the other discounts and benefits you might be able to receive based on income, age, or disability, or some combination.  Things like 20% discount on some/all utilities, discounted cell phone and internet service, and SNAP benefits.

foreverhis:  Thanks for the tips. It helps when someone cares enough to offer good and useful suggestions. I am definitely looking into some of them. I can also get a small discount on electricity because of my oxygen machine. 

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15 hours ago, tnd said:

I worked as a bank auditor for several years and had to be analytical or else I'd lose all credibility.

I get it, I did accounting/bookkeeping, a little more than full cycle and a helluva lot more than the data entry people do on PCs nowadays.  I'm the one that re-created books when they were destroyed, who could spot a number off on a financial report, can see patterns, I love statistics and financial reports as they tell a story but you have to know how to look at them.  Too many places skew them such as pharmaceutical industry with their so called testing!  We have to be able to recognize what's accurate whether it's testing or books.  Auditing is the same way, you have to be able to analyze.  But it's a detriment to me in the middle of the night when I can't shut my brain off!

15 hours ago, tnd said:

I mean, they were picking it apart in their conversation and analyzing everything about a darn burger. I sat there and wondered if I was going to end up being like that.

:D  Haha, this gave me quite a chuckle...I hope I'm not that way although I do look at food different (I'm diabetic) and HAVE to know what's in things and how many carbs it is and if they've snuck something in there I can't have. ;)

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Things like 20% discount on some/all utilities, discounted cell phone and internet service

They don't have that here!  And my sister never got a discount because of her oxygen, hmm, I may need to call Lane Electric!

 

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13 hours ago, KayC said:

I get it, I did accounting/bookkeeping, a little more than full cycle and a helluva lot more than the data entry people do on PCs nowadays.  I'm the one that re-created books when they were destroyed, who could spot a number off on a financial report, can see patterns, I love statistics and financial reports as they tell a story but you have to know how to look at them. 

You guys amaze me. I took one accounting class in college...and promptly withdrew (with a failing grade), and I'm normally a good student. That stuff baffled me. 

Hold on tnd, you can do this! Might there be a chance of going back to being a bank auditor for income? 

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13 hours ago, KayC said:

And my sister never got a discount because of her oxygen, hmm, I may need to call Lane Electric!

KayC:  I think what I will get is only a very small discount but every dime will help. It's also good to let the electric company know if you use any kind of Medical Device powered by electricity because they can put your house on a list as a priority to have power restored whenever there is a long outage. Doesn't apply to apartments/apartment buildings but does apply to private residences. 

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45 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Hold on tnd, you can do this! Might there be a chance of going back to being a bank auditor for income? 

widower2:  Aside from being burnt out and not able to focus for hours and hours like that anymore, I will NEVER go back to being an auditor or working for a bank again. Let me put it to you this way: banks, particularly big banks, are some of the most corrupt organizations and biggest fraudsters there are. And I don't care what people say, whistleblowers are NOT protected. I could probably write a book but then I'd have to go into hiding.  

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Felt a little angry again last night. Kind of a "look what you've left me to deal with" sort of anger. I know it's not his fault, of course it isn't. But I feel as tho I've been abandoned. And now my life is a big smoking, stinking hole in the ground. I am having a hard time believing that I am having to live in someone else's house right now. Sure, might only be temporary until I start receiving Widows Benefits but what if I don't? What if I'm denied? Then I will have to start the appeal process. More hurry up and wait. And with rent on even the smallest, oldest apartments in bad neighborhoods being high, what if I can't even afford a place? Then what? I don't want a roommate. Been there, done that when I was younger. Got to the point that I hated it. Sure, I could have an open mind and end up with a terrific roommate but that's not the point. I am 57 years old, I'm tired of having to keep an open mind about everything, when will it be alright to just put my foot down and have my own thoughts and ideas be heard and not be lectured for it? And I should not have to have a roommate if I don't want one. I have so much up in the air, so much damn stress, day in and day out that I just can't help it. If I'm not crying then I'm stressing and then feeling angry. Sick of it. Sorry, today is just not a good day for me. Had to let that out.  

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18 hours ago, tnd said:

what if I don't? What if I'm denied?

Of COURSE this ia a huge concern to you!  I wondered the same things when I had to (fire) evacuate, not knowing if I'd have a house to come home to.  I'm paying on my house and if they did insurance payouts on everyone here, it'd take forever, I can't afford my mortgage AND rent!  And no room for me to stay with my daughter on a long term basis.  No $ to start over.  I could NOT live with my DIL!  I'd want to shoot myself...only I have Kodie to consider/live for.  Yes, I get these thoughts.  

 

18 hours ago, tnd said:

Sorry, today is just not a good day for me. Had to let that out. 

We have them, and it's good to unload here, you have plenty of reason for all of your feelings.

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8 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

In the end i feel exausted and ashamed of myself 'cos i feel like a child who throws a tantrum...

Roxeanne:  That's how I end up feeling -guilty and ashamed. I feel a little angry every day but not too much. It passes. But I hate it when it hits me.   

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Remember, if it was YOUR beloved going through this, it'd just be the shoe on the other foot, it'd be HIM feeling abandoned and angry, not you, it's not that the anger is personal, it's merely a FEELING and not something we can control it coming our way unbeckoned!  We can affect, however, HOW we choose to deal with it going forward, whether to harbor it, focus on it, or get through/past it with positive choice.  None of us want to STAY in an angry mode!  But...that it came your way is NOT something to fault yourself for!  NONE of this is our faults!  It is what it is.  You'll get through even this...even if you can't see it right now. ;)

 

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I'm not necessarily angry with my husband anymore but now I'm angry at my whole situation. It's like I am having to live a double life; one that is grieving, sick and homeless and the other as part of my "new" family and all the issues going on with that/them. I keep wishing I'd not wake up. But I do. I don't know what on this earth I am suppose to be doing and why I am even still alive. Seems I am going to be in this forced holding pattern for a long time yet to come. And when I say "long time", I mean even another month, two or three is too long. Can you guess I am down today? I want to scream but don't think I have the energy. But oh yes, I'm doing better than if I were on the streets. Gotta keep on keeping on.   

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jwahlquist
9 hours ago, Malisacher said:

Tnd

Im in holding pattern as well filled out paper work for my husbands pensions….but who knows when that will come in …Social security  appointment  over the phone is 28 of this month for survivor benefits …I won’t get anything I’m not old enough or disabled I’m 47 …hoping my son who is 15 and special needs will get at least his dads social security ….then I need to work on ssi for my son …I’m 4 weeks out from death of my husband the grief is horrible ….we just lost his mom a month before he died. he had his mother’s mail foward to our address ….so now I’m dealing with calling people for her to let them she is gone …besides all I have to do for for us ….I’m living off my savings currently ….so I’m very scared of what our future might hold …I have place to go if I have to which is my parents place which is a farm…I cry every night from grief and fear for me and my son 

My daughter was only 11 when her dad died.   While I wasn’t old enough at 42 to collect his SS because I made too much money.   You have to make less than $18,000 per year or $1,500 per month.  While I was teaching I could claim for the 2 months I didn’t get paid for by contract.   However, my daughter qualifies because she was his dependent.   She gets 75% of what his SS retirement would have been.   She will get that money until she turns 18.  While it doesn’t make up for losing my husband’s income it does help some.   I am able to give her a decent allowance for her extras and pay bills to keep the roof over our heads.  It is a stupid long process but don’t get discouraged.   
 

((hugs))

10 hours ago, tnd said:

Can you guess I am down today? I want to scream but don't think I have the energy. But oh yes, I'm doing better than if I were on the streets. Gotta keep on keeping on.   

((Hugs)).  I feel the same way today.  Today would have been our 24th anniversary.   

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17 hours ago, tnd said:

Can you guess I am down today? I want to scream but don't think I have the energy

I'm so sorry, I was feeling this way after the recent dog bite.  It's been hard scrounging something to eat when I can't cook or do dishes.  Suffice it to say I was feeling angry, at the situation, life, having to go through this, etc.  Even the pain on top of my regular pain.  You wonder why you're still here, I think that's common to wonder and no answers except I do feel He has purpose in us being here, maybe for something we can't yet see, in the future.

6 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

She will get that money until she turns 18.

Can she continue to collect if if she goes to college?

I was too young to get anything either, and had he lived another month or so he would have been on disability but because the doctor discounted his heart trouble he wasn't set up on it.  We had signed up for life ins but they billed us 2-3 times more than quoted so I was bickering with them when he died...so nothing, nada.  We had $120 in the bank and $72,000 bills pouring in from every doctor, hospital, ambulance, etc. in the county!  I remortgaged my house to pay for it all, they had wanted to charge usury interest, it made sense at the time until I found out years later I wouldn't have been responsible for them, of course they didn't tell me that!  Know the laws in your state!  But how do you go to a lawyer who wants cash up front and you have nothing!

It's hard enough to lose the love of our life without having to think about financial stuff...

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foreverhis
7 hours ago, KayC said:

Can she continue to collect if if she goes to college?

Unfortunately, no.  It's until age 18 or high school graduation (if the child turns 18 before graduation), but no further than age 19.  The only exception is for disabled dependent children whose disability started before age 16, then benefits continue as long the adult child is classified as dependent.

You were really, um, screwed by the medical community.  They know the law, but harassed you until you paid them anyway.  As John would have said, what a bunch of jackholes (his way of combining two swearing insults into one while eliminating the middle word).

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Yep, Sacred Heart Hospital, a Catholic "Charity" they call it.  The same affiliation as Riverbend that "treated" my dog bite so poorly.  At least they gave George good care, it was just too late for him.

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On 10/5/2021 at 1:50 AM, jwahlquist said:

Today would have been our 24th anniversary.   

jwahlquist:  I am sorry you spent your anniversary grieving. It's painful on the special days like this. A day that we use to look forward to celebrating and talking about. It's hard to put that into a sort of reverse-mode and just accept it. It's even harder to believe our loved ones are really gone. Just the word "gone" makes me tear up. I know I was late in this but I hope you had a little better day today. Apparently over time our pain lessens or gets easier to deal with. I'm a long ways off from that. Your loss is still fresh too. We have to go easy on ourselves because people who haven't gone through what we are don't always understand and so they don't necessarily make it any easier for us. But come on here (just like you did) and all of us understand and can console you. If I could, I'd give you a hug. Just know you are being thought of.   

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Well, I'm not as angry at my husband now. Just in the last few days the anger has eased and nearly subsided. I'm angry at other people but not so much now at him. I am very lucky to have had the time I did with him. I have a lot of good memories and especially remember the laughter we shared. We use to laugh so hard that tears rolled down our faces and our sides hurt. And sometimes we laughed for no apparent reason. Just a look or a reaction to something could trigger full-on belly laughs. I don't want to be angry at him. The good memories are far more easier to take. 

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9 hours ago, tnd said:

Well, I'm not as angry at my husband now. Just in the last few days the anger has eased and nearly subsided. I'm angry at other people but not so much now at him. I am very lucky to have had the time I did with him. I have a lot of good memories and especially remember the laughter we shared. We use to laugh so hard that tears rolled down our faces and our sides hurt. And sometimes we laughed for no apparent reason. Just a look or a reaction to something could trigger full-on belly laughs. I don't want to be angry at him. The good memories are far more easier to take. 

John and I had that same thing.  A look, a small "heh-heh-heh" gesture that only we understood, and just all the things that come from decades together.  All those could make us laugh with each other.  In fact, he had an annoying ability to make me laugh when I was irked about something.  He'd do or say something; I'd laugh and say, "You just ruined a perfectly good snit!"; he'd smirk and say, "I know."

We were very much in sync in so many ways that people would comment about it.  His home nurse did one day after his check up.  We were on the sofa together, casually touching the way couples do, and he said something that made me laugh along with him.  She said she rarely saw couples who were so connected, especially during a time like life-threatening cancer with complications.  John said, "That's because we don't just love each other.  We like each other."

I know your living situation is a challenge right now, but I have to say that being able to bring forward those happy memories, the love and life shared, is a step forward.  It's one of so very many on this grief journey of ours, but it's an important one.  Of course, it's not a straight path and you'll no doubt circle back around, up and down, and go off in unexpected directions.  But that you've made this small step is a really good thing, IMO.

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19 hours ago, tnd said:

I am very lucky to have had the time I did with him.

This is how I choose to view it as well.  I love that you had that kind of laughter and hope it brings a smile to your face to think upon it.

 

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22 hours ago, foreverhis said:

But that you've made this small step is a really good thing, IMO.

foreverhis:  Thank you so much for that! This is what I needed to know. I put even small achievements into my positivity bucket. It all counts for something. I always love reading about you and your husband. So touching when couples truly love each other. There are some couples that should not be together and it makes me wonder why they still are. 

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