Moderators KayC Posted October 27, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 27, 2021 22 hours ago, tnd said: I feel bad for them being stuck in a room but I think it would have been harder on them if I had to give them away. Oh Hon, I can only hope this is very temporary, I so wish WITH you that you could soon get your permanent place, for you and your cats. 21 hours ago, John9 said: I still don't enjoy eating but I am eating something every day. And that's a start, it's hard for us in early grief, we can lose or gain but it seems our grief affects our eating, very much so. It's also hard to care about anything or have any motivation, oh boy do I get that! It can take a long while before we reach the point where we have any motivation for life. 19 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: I'm not sure if this is common at the stage I'm at. More common that you realize! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2021 19 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: Thanks for sharing. Jemiga70, Thank you for the comments as well, I am just so lost and find myself doing the same "nothing" over and over again. I mean I am going through the motions and sometimes don't remember doing it bust I must have because I am the only one here right now. I lose track of the time real easy now and again have to force myself to attempt to do at least a little something mostly because no one else is here to do it but also because it was always my "job" before and I know what to do. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2021 19 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: Apathy. Just apathy. I'm not sure if this is common at the stage I'm at. It's almost 6 months since my beautiful wife crossed over. Jemiga70, I can only say that it is a little longer for me (228 days) and I feel the same way, I really don't care about anything but I am trying to not feel that way and it is very difficult. In my case I am overwhelmed with not only the too many deaths and grief but all of the other issues and I just don't want to deal with it and I want it to all go away because if I have to be alive I want some sort of peace and less stress. Sadly as I have stated too many times what I want doesn't seem to be a factor in anything that has happened. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 28, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2021 On 10/26/2021 at 5:35 PM, Jemiga70 said: From making dinner to reading, my concentration ability has been compromised. I can only read small paragraphs, one at a time. If the text is too technical, has instructional steps or is poorly written then my concentration breaks quickly. Jemiga70: I struggle with concentration too. It's like all of a sudden it seems overwhelming and I can't do it. I plan which chores to do very carefully. In my mind I schedule what I'm going to do and then try to stick to my schedule. This helps to keep my mind from wandering off. If I see something that needs to be done, I don't do it unless it's on my schedule. Not even if I have the time. I just keep to what I planned on doing and then give myself a pat on the back at the end of the day. Seem the more I do it this way the better off I feel. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 28, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2021 On 10/26/2021 at 3:49 PM, John9 said: tnd, I am glad that you have a goal for the "future" and the need to be in your own place. I can't be in my own place because I refuse to get rid of our house and I don't want to be anywhere else. I know that is part of my "problem" this house is us and always will be as long as I am alive and I also won't redecorate it so I am in the constant loop that I also have with my thoughts. I can't go back to a "simpler" time because honestly I wasn't really happy before I met my wife because of the various things I have been through and we met and fell in love at the perfect time for both of us. I don't know what the future is, nobody does but I don't see any good for me soon. John9: I hope you don't think I was suggesting leaving/selling your house. Your living arrangements are very different from mine. If I had a house with my husband, especially that many years and could afford to and was physically able to, I'd stay in it and embrace the memories. I'd probably carry on and maintain it just the same as when my husband was alive. I think any changes would probably come over time. I know I can't "turn back the clock" but given the current environment I am living in, it sort of helps me to think of what my next place will be like and how I will make it a home. It acts as a distraction. But, if I had a house I'd probably want to maintain it and even do things that my husband and I found enjoyable. Gardening for instance. I'm no gardener but maybe I'd learn. I'd at least keep my husband's gardening magazines and books. I use to love looking at those and going out to stores to help him pick out new ones and then maintaining them for reference. Stuff like that. And I'd still try to carry on some chit-chat in the morning over coffee, with either myself or my cats. Maybe at some point, with a friend or neighbor. I would just try to embrace all of it as much as I could. And thinking it would only be natural or expected, I'd sprinkle in little changes as I am able to. In-between my crying sessions. My routine might change a little. Some of my needs would be different, no doubt about that. But then maybe some of my interests and what I do or don't do would change too. All over time. I don't want to marginalize your grief or downplay it, but I think you are a lucky man to have shared a house with your wife and for many years. I'd use that as a starting point to getting back to the business of living. Don't be too hard on yourself thinking that you have to change yourself and everything around you. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted October 28, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 28, 2021 tnd, I wasn't saying that you meant I should "move", I was just saying I wouldn't do it even if I had to without fighting tooth and nail for it does mean too much to me. I know my loving wife is in this house not because her spirit is here but because she had a hand in everything done in the house. I do talk to my loving wife all day, every day morning noon and night. I ask her what am I supposed to do and how am I supposed to do it and.......I know you miss your husband and the stresses you are going through may make you miss him more because I know my stresses make it seem that way. I do miss my loving wife more each day and it is getting worse. Today I "finally" received a phone call from U of M Hospital about the Memorial mixup and was told basically it is all because of legalities and miscommunications. I talked to the person about my messed up life for about 45 minutes and she thanked me for telling her "our" love story. She agreed that it was too much for one person and is as surprised as I am that I am still functioning at even a basic level.I told her about this forum and how much it has helped me and about my "journals" and she said that was a good thing. I said I was trying as hard as I can to make it as long as I can until God say otherwise. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 29, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 29, 2021 It's getting hard for me to continue maintaining this old place, I need to spend thousands of dollars shoring up my carport for winter before being able to replace the back and I hate to see what it'll cost with lumber prices as high as they are right now, the contractor will have to buy several 12' posts...PLUS now I need a major roof repair because it wasn't done right by the roofer 7 1/2 years ago, I hope to God there's not rot in there because of it... But I don't want to move away, this is home, where I raised my kids, where my animals are buried and my husband's ashes are scattered, I love watching the deer come graze and and occasional fox run through, hummingbirds remember this place on their route, so does a NW Tanninger! Owls also pass through on their visits. I love the trees, nature, and the neighbors/community, you can't get all this in a big city or apt. It's my heart and soul. My reclining loveseat is 21 years old now and seen better days, definitely worn out but it was OURS! We cuddled there many a night, sleeping there together when one of us was sick. One side of it broke when George made a playful dive at me...I can't replace it, too many memories.... 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted October 29, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 29, 2021 KayC, I hate when bad things happen to good people, not that I really like anything bad to happen to anyone. I would help you if there were a way to do so. Everything that you are saying about the memories especially about George really hits home and that is really what is making "my" grieving really hard. Everywhere and everything is a memory or a trigger. I hope that you are "lucky" and the damage is not as bad as it might seem. I don't know about Oregon but here they say the price of lumber is coming down some, maybe you will catch a break. I can't believe how it just seems like some of us can't catch the breaks that others do. You are in my thoughts quite often and I hope for the best for you as well as everyone else here. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 30, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 30, 2021 Thank you, John. What will be, will be. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 30, 2021 1 hour ago, KayC said: What will be, will be. KayC, That is what my loving wife had started saying a few months before she died, I didn't know it was to be prophetic. I know that we can't or shouldn't worry about the things that we are not in control of, BUT.......All I do now is worry about things in general and the less I am in control (if I ever was) the worse the worrying. I would like to have some "peace" before I die and not just when I die (I hope I get peace in death) but I do understand, at least as much as I can understand anything anymore. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 31, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 31, 2021 Well something I'm doing must be working because my BP has been great lately! This morning it was 110/67. And I was born a worrier and anxious! 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 31, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 31, 2021 1 hour ago, KayC said: Well something I'm doing must be working because my BP has been great lately! This morning it was 110/67. And I was born a worrier and anxious! KayC, That's great and I hope it continues to be under control. I also am a worrier and anxious and I was long before any of the recent problems. That was something I was trying to address and also get my loving wife to address, do what you can and don't worry about what you can't do anything about. But as we know that didn't work out very well for us did it. I am still trying and I am not doing well with it but I am trying to just let the people do what they are supposed to be doing. I just told the "good" sister yesterday something along those lines that I used to "stick" my nose into things without being asked and I am trying to wait to be asked before I "try" to help. It isn't in my best interest right now to alienate the few people who still have anything to do with me. I hope if I do cause issues that they will be a little more understanding but as it was stated "what will be will be". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jemiga70 Posted November 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 1, 2021 On 10/29/2021 at 2:56 AM, tnd said: If I see something that needs to be done, I don't do it unless it's on my schedule. Not even if I have the time. I just keep to what I planned on doing and then give myself a pat on the back at the end of the day. @tnd I think this is a very good way to go. I follow a similar practise. I put a yellow sticky note on the cupboard door. One note for 1 day with only the most pressing 1 or 2 or 3 tasks. Next day same thing. Sometimes a task from the previous day is carried over. Doesnt matter; I tried my best. I started doing this because with brain fog I couldnt keep things straight. An older movie called Memento, the main guy does this but he's not in grief; no matter, his brain's not firing on all cylinders regardless. And yes, important to be our own best friend and give ourselves credit for achieving (and for simply trying). 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted November 1, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 1, 2021 On 10/31/2021 at 12:49 AM, John9 said: I know that we can't or shouldn't worry about the things that we are not in control of, BUT.......All I do now is worry about things in general and the less I am in control (if I ever was) the worse the worrying. On 10/30/2021 at 11:19 PM, KayC said: What will be, will be. @John9 @KayC Peace in detachment perhaps? I just found out my main source of income MIGHT be drying up ... too early to say for sure. I've decided to leave things up to God to figure out because I sure as heck can't - nor do I want to. I've decided to try as hard as I can NOT to worry about that which I cannot control, in this case, job and income. Not sure if it's the apathy talking or if I really am gonna practise what I'm preaching to myself... 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted November 1, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted November 1, 2021 Oh Hon, I've been through that, my husband died then I lost my job (I had $120 in the bank when he died), the hospital had hounded me for his medical bills, it was thousands of dollars I couldn't afford so I'd remortgaged my house, I had six months to get a job, I found one with two weeks to spare. For the first time in my life I faced age discrimination. Then my job was cut to one day a week, I broke my right elbow and had a stick shift car, broke my nose too, one week apart. No one would hire me, I applied to 350 jobs, any of which I could do and was commuting 100/miles a day one day a week, couldn't afford physical therapy for my elbow so downloaded the exercises from a hospital, and did those. Getting dog food in and groceries was hard. I figured out a way, somehow I got through it. I was finally called back to week four days/week, boss got behind paying three months then cut my job entirely, no notice. Lived on savings four years (I'd saved every cent I could because of this experience), I was 61 and never expected this. When I turned 65 I filed social security, taking a year's penalty for life, also discovered the soc. sec. office "didn't have a record" of two years I'd worked full time, IRS wouldn't do anything (they report to soc sec) so took further hit for life. I've made it through torn meniscus, kept working, broken bones, injured knees, you name it, never missed a day and this was what I got. BUT, I say all this to tell you I was never late with a payment, I never missed a meal (except when I got my gallbladder surgery and someone was supposed to bring my dinner and didn't). There were times I cried, times I felt helpless, God was all I had to rely on and I do it still. You WILL survive this, when you don't see how, when no way seems to appear, look at tnd, she thought she'd be homeless and at the last minute, God furnished her a place to live, it might not be easy or of her choosing, but she still has her cats and her wits about her. Something to be said for that. I want to encourage you. I'm reminded of that book by the rabbi Kushner, When Bad things Happen to Good People, it reminds me that unfair as life seems these hard places drive us straight to the bosom of God and He's there to hold us. I have felt as you do, been there, still AM there, life is hard, and we really feel it alone. One day at a time. (((hugs))) 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted November 1, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 1, 2021 1 hour ago, KayC said: it reminds me that unfair as life seems these hard places drive us straight to the bosom of God and He's there to hold us. I have felt as you do, been there, still AM there, life is hard, and we really feel it alone. One day at a time. (((hugs))) KayC, I know this reply wasn't "to" me, but so much of what you write hits home for me and it does help me. I surely don't profess to understand anything that has or will happen but I know it is so hard sometimes to wonder....I had a similar problem with Social Security and the IRS but I know the reason that my account was messed up and nothing could be done about it. It was an incompetent boss who thought if he didn't pay the taxes they wouldn't notice I lucked out if you can call any of this lucky that my loving wife earned much more than I did and because she can never get to claim it I filed earlier than I would have but she worked her entire life for it. I was never going to get much because of the issues and I decided to not wait because as we know the future isn't promised. We all have to do what we feel is the best for us and this was it for me. Sadly nothing can replace my loving wife and all the money in the world wouldn't make a difference to me. We would have figured something out together. I pray every day for God's "help" to get me "somewhere" I can do this. 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted November 2, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted November 2, 2021 John, I had a boss like that too, but I worked my tail off for two years to get him out of trouble with the IRS so I personally knew that was paid in. No this was back from 92-94. The bookkeeper died and we got a new one, I was hoping she still had info on her PC but she never responded to my attempts to reach her. The boss (who'd since closed the business) had his sister put the record in his shed, she stored them in cardboard boxes, the mice destroyed them, turning their paper copies into confetti. My XH must have had our records, which I'd always saved, no luck there! Soc Sec refused to reach out to the IRS for their copies that were supposed to be kept. Back in those days we filed by snail mail, paper copies. They got it. What they did with it is anyone's guess. Cost me over $100/month for life! I think there's a great deal we can all relate to on here, thank God we have this place. When I lost my sweet MIL who was the mom I'd always wanted and my best friend, there was no such place, that was in 1987, I'd been her caregiver for three years and I felt lost and empty without her. 2 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted November 2, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 2, 2021 KayC, It is so "funny" because I also know that the back taxes were paid and all of that too WITH penalties too. Sadly I also "only" lost the paperwork that would have proven that, the tax returns for those years are missing from "our" personal records and the business as well. It is a moot point and there is nothing I can do about it and another example of the left hand and the right hand because those two divisions of the Government are supposed to work as a check and balance so this doesn't happen. I hate to think of how many people are being hurt by these errors and when you try to address them you are constantly running into roadblocks. When you look at these issues and the ones tnd is going through you wonder if the entire organization is completely mismanaged and it probably is. As I have referenced before about some other things nothing will get fixed unless the people in charge have an understanding of the problems or issues and that just doesn't seem to happen. Meanwhile "we" all suffer for various reasons (you financially for life) and others denied because of some other reason and unable to receive assistance to resolve problems. Computers are great record keeping devices IF the information is entered correctly and can be retrieved when needed which doesn't always work does it (we talked about that before). Yes in some ways we seem to have very much to relate to and the fact that this place exists is probably a reason that I do as well (exist) because without it I definitely would have completely lost it by now with all I am going through and I really appreciate all of your insights and help, sadly you know how to help because of the experiences that you went through and I can only hope that when all of "our" suffering is over we get the peace and love we need and "deserve". I know that is what keeps me going. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted November 2, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 2, 2021 GOOD NEWS FINALLY! After 5 months my Widows Benefits have been approved!!!! These past few days have been rough. I live in "the house of cuckoo". I've kept to myself, holed up in my room. I am miserable, extremely uncomfortable here, angry, feel alone and am very depressed. And the worst part about it all, I miss my husband terribly. This news came just in time. I can finally get my own place and try living some sort of life again. I hugged my cats and told them the good news. We will be sleeping in our own bed again! 3 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 2, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 2, 2021 On 11/1/2021 at 11:07 AM, KayC said: I'm reminded of that book by the rabbi Kushner, When Bad things Happen to Good People, it reminds me that unfair as life seems these hard places drive us straight to the bosom of God and He's there to hold us. KayC: Funny thing...before my brother abandoned me, he was actually talking it up about how I was to not worry, to take all the time I needed to grieve and that he was going to help me and wouldn't let me become homeless, etc, etc...and he mentioned the very book you do. A month later and he abandoned me and I was homeless. Maybe someday I will send him a copy of that book and on the inside of the cover, write.."In case you didn't actually read this". Okay, so I am being sarcastic but aside from losing my husband, out of all the "bad things" that happened to me, it was the fact that my own brother abandoned me during my most critical time of need. Turned on my like flipping a switch. Knowing that he is capable of being so cruel hurts more than all the crappola I am going through right now. If it weren't for God and my growing faith in Him, I may have shriveled up and died by now. But I'm not going to. I'm not like some delicate little flower that can wilt. I want to make it through this and be my husband's hero. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Malisacher Posted November 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 2, 2021 Tnd congrats 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted November 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 2, 2021 5 hours ago, tnd said: GOOD NEWS FINALLY! After 5 months my Widows Benefits have been approved!!!! tnd, I am so happy for this good news for you. Hopefully all will now go smoothly for you to find a place and move in and grieve in your own space and time. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted November 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 7 hours ago, tnd said: GOOD NEWS FINALLY! After 5 months my Widows Benefits have been approved!!!! Yay!!! Wonderful news. Absolutely wonderful. I'm so relieved and happy for you. The lump sum back to June should be enough (fingers crossed) to get you into a small place of your own with first, last, and expenses. What a load off your mind. 2 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted November 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 6 hours ago, tnd said: I'm not like some delicate little flower that can wilt That's something I have to remind myself of even now. I was not an incompetent ninny when I met John. I was a fully functioning young adult with a college degree, decent (though low paying) teaching job, self-supporting (mostly; my parents helped with extras), an active social/theater/music life, friends and family, and perfectly able to handle almost all life threw at me. But after 35 years of being an "us," I'm still finding it tough to remember that. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted November 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 Tnd, How wonderful!!! A light at the end of a long dark tunnel. I know it will still take awhile to get the money in your hand, but at least you know it's approved. It was kind of this family to take you in, but it will be good for you to be able to find your own place. So very happy your benefits were approved. Gail 2 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 3, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 23 hours ago, John9 said: I can only hope that when all of "our" suffering is over we get the peace and love we need and "deserve". And somehow I think when the sufferings of this time are past this will be a moot point as we will be fully enjoying what is to yet come! 20 hours ago, tnd said: GOOD NEWS FINALLY! After 5 months my Widows Benefits have been approved!!!! OMG, this is the best news I've heard all year! So glad for you!!! 18 hours ago, tnd said: If it weren't for God and my growing faith in Him, I may have shriveled up and died by now. But I'm not going to. Good for you! That's the spirit in you that I know exists! 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jemiga70 Posted November 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 On 11/2/2021 at 12:07 AM, KayC said: You WILL survive this, when you don't see how, when no way seems to appear, look at tnd, she thought she'd be homeless and at the last minute, God furnished her a place to live, it might not be easy or of her choosing, but she still has her cats and her wits about her @KayC Thank you, this is just what I needed to read today, a helpful reminder. Your ability to keep the faith that everything will be alright in the end despite it all is rather incredible. Same goes for @tnd . Vent your frustrations, anger, whatever, but never lose hope that one day things WILL be better and WILL work out for the best. I've got much work to do in that department and perhaps it's why I'm still here living a life that doesn't seem to have any point to it anymore. Maybe the point is to learn to trust God implicitly, to learn to get on top of my own brain and create more reasonable. rational, balanced thought patterns. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted November 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 13 hours ago, foreverhis said: But after 35 years of being an "us," I'm still finding it tough to remember that. foreverhis, This is a very big part of what hurts so much. There was really no longer an "I" or me only "us and we" and we actually considered ourselves as ONE (but I always put her first). It is so hard to get my broken brain to even think "only" of myself because it keeps defaulting to my loving wife first and foremost as it always did. I know I am not alone in this way of thinking but my loving wife was the ONLY reason to exist for me and I don't know what to do without her. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted November 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 21 hours ago, tnd said: After 5 months my Widows Benefits have been approved!!!! @tnd I am sooo happy to hear this. I've been reading most of your posts for the last few months and can see how while it's been a lifesaver, your living situation has also been frustrating. But this is great news indeed. 3 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted November 3, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 Thanks to everyone here there is finally some light at the end of the tunnel. "We", as in all of you and myself, have finally made it to this point. Thank you! Could not have done it without you and I sincerely mean that. If I don't post for a while it's because I am either unable to or out searching for an apartment. Depends on when/if anyone will drive me. I've been asking for a ride to the pharmacy for 3 days now and still waiting. So if it goes anything like that it could be a while. I am out of one of my meds now and definitely feeling it and "my ride" knows this. This is why I don't like having to rely on be at the mercy of other people. I was recently talked into switching pharmacies to make it easier for "my ride". I may switch back to my old pharmacy because although it costs, they do have a delivery service. Anyways, yes I am venting but the meds I need is serious business. But alas, soon enough I will be in my own place so I can move forward with my life and figure things out. Thank goodness I have you people! I need you! Maybe one day I will give more details but the people I am dealing with here are not who I thought they were. But I think my anger and frustration has sort of awakened a sleeping giant in me. Call it willpower, call it the will to live, I don't know what this is inside of me. But I want to be my husband's hero and I know he's probably cheering me on. He deserves my willpower. I am about as down as one can be but when I think of championing my husband's will and the goodness he had in his heart, a spark ignites a fire in me. I will do this for him as well as for myself. I will be his hero. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 4, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 21 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: Maybe the point is to learn to trust God implicitly I think this is the whole point of Harold Kushner's book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." Maybe that's the point of our existence. I know there've been places along the way when we were allowed a measure of happiness, I loved being a mom, and when George held be, that was the best place in all the world to me. Right now I find little bits of joy along the way, mostly in my puppy, but I've found purpose in being here for others whether in my diabetic groups, my neighbors, or in grief groups. The other day I was walking Kodie and a previous mailman stopped and commented on the weight I've lost and said he recognized me by my smile. That was a feel good moment...that I can brighten other's day just by smiling?! 18 hours ago, tnd said: I may switch back to my old pharmacy because although it costs, they do have a delivery service. Maybe switch now so you can get your Rxs! It's appalling to me that no one cares to help you get your Rxs. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 5 hours ago, KayC said: Maybe switch now so you can get your Rxs! It's appalling to me that no one cares to help you get your Rxs. KayC: Well, I asked "my ride" again and was chewed out for it. I asked politely so was not expecting that. But then "my ride" calmed down and took me to the pharmacy, literally not even 5 minutes away. But contrary to their message, they only had one of my prescriptions ready. Have to check back again today. I kind of dread it but man oh man, I need this med. If I get chewed out again I am just going to do what I did yesterday and keep calm. I don't want to rock the boat here or burn any bridges. Things will be (has to) better once I am in my own place. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 On 11/3/2021 at 12:44 AM, Gail 8588 said: A light at the end of a long dark tunnel. Gail 8588: That's exactly what I said. As long as I can see some light I think I will do okay. Thank you for your kind words and for thinking of me. I've been thinking of many of my friends on here, you are one of them. I think about you and your son. I pray for him. Hope you will have some hopeful news to share soon. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted November 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 On 11/3/2021 at 10:55 AM, tnd said: But alas, soon enough I will be in my own place so I can move forward with my life and figure things out. Thank goodness I have you people! I need you! Maybe one day I will give more details but the people I am dealing with here are not who I thought they were. But I think my anger and frustration has sort of awakened a sleeping giant in me. Call it willpower, call it the will to live, I don't know what this is inside of me. But I want to be my husband's hero and I know he's probably cheering me on. He deserves my willpower. I am about as down as one can be but when I think of championing my husband's will and the goodness he had in his heart, a spark ignites a fire in me. I will do this for him as well as for myself. I will be his hero. You bet your sweet bippy he's cheering you on and proud of you for persevering!! (I'm thinking that since I'm of an age to get that reference, you might be too.) I'm sorry that the people who you're with now have turned out to be such...well, whatever they are. I know that's been more stress, more angst, and more negativity. But you've figured out a way to hang in there with this situation a little longer and soon (again, fingers crossed and prayers sent) you will have your own place and the peace you need to truly grieve. IMO, you've already made the first little steps forward by holding on and by honoring your husband. I don't quite know how to say this, but the family that took you in sound like they're not the Christians they claim to be. If I had said, "You're not going to live in the streets. I'll help while you get back on your feet. You will stay with me," then that's what I would have done. I'd simply have asked that you contribute as you could and that, down the road when you're settled, you help someone else if/when possible and if I'd had really significant costs that affected my own limited budget, maybe we'd figure out how to help each other as we go along. But I would not be haranguing you about it or making you feel guilty or yelling/chiding/chewing you out about it. I'd understand that having you with me would mean a bit more expense (utilities and whatnot) that would be my gift to you, patience on both our parts, and some of me helping you as you help yourself. So, either I'd accept that in myself as the "terms" of my offer or I wouldn't offer in the first place. And that's what is tweaking me off right now. They offered; they took you in and said they'd help you; and now they've gone 'round the bend in making things harder and more painful for you. Now that you've gotten your approval and will receive a lump sum, you can truly look forward to being independent again. That alone has got to be a huge load off your mind. (And little naggy inner me says: Don't forget to keep applying for social benefits like utility discounts, SNAP (which you already have; thank goodness), and medical assistance. I don't know how Medicare eligibility works with widow's benefits, but for disability it's 2 years from the date of disability. If that's the case for you, then Medicaid and/or ACA premium assistance until then. Just please, please, don't be too "proud" to accept any help you've earned as a productive member of society.) 2 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted November 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 foreverhis, Whats a sweet bippy? Just kidding I know the reference and I totally agree with all you said to tnd. I just hope that all of the things you said are available to her and approved because the whole situation should never have happened let alone taken this long to "be resolved". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 8 minutes ago, foreverhis said: I don't quite know how to say this, but the family that took you in sound like they're not the Christians they claim to be. foreverhis: You got that right! I still do not know of what religious persuasion they affiliate with but I don't need to know. What I do need to know is how I am going to get myself through this until I am in my own place. I don't want to rock any boats here and end up endangering myself because for the first time, I am starting to feel a little unsafe but, I also do not want to burn any bridges, either. Maybe they or at least one of them needs my help. Maybe a friend they can trust. I don't know but for now, I've got to think of myself and getting to the next step...into my own place. A lump sum has now been deposited into my bank account but I will probably need some type of Award Letter to give to a prospective landlord to prove I have an income now and that it will last. I imagine that will soon be arriving in the mail. 19 minutes ago, foreverhis said: They offered; they took you in and said they'd help you; and now they've gone 'round the bend in making things harder and more painful for you. foreverhis: I've always believed that if you are going to do something for someone and help them, you do it from the heart without expecting anything in return. Helping someone and then taking it back is not from the heart. You either help or you don't. I am still very much being helped here in the way that I am not on the streets. That's a lot. It counts for something and I'm going to take it. And I am doing it only because I see light at the end of the tunnel now and it shouldn't be much longer that I will be in my own place and out of the House of Cuckoo. I've got to learn what I did when I went through training to administer my husband's "home hemodialysis": I was told to remember to say "Keep Calm And Carry On". If you ever google "home hemodialysis" on youtube, you will find videos that people have made of doing that. I warn, it is not for the squeamish. I did this for 3 years. Imagine having arterial blood spurt literally across your living room and your loved one sitting in so much blood that it looks like a crime scene. But it happens and is quite common for those on dialysis. Had to "keep calm and carry on". And this is what I am hoping to continue doing. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted November 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 9 minutes ago, John9 said: because the whole situation should never have happened let alone taken this long to "be resolved". I agree, but I've learned to be a realist. The departments are underfunded and understaffed, especially now with closures, and also especially now, there are more claims for widows and survivor benefits than usual because of the blankety-blank pandemic. In the grand scheme of how things happen now, 5 months is not that long--though it's an absolute eternity when you're the one who is waiting. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 19 minutes ago, John9 said: foreverhis, Whats a sweet bippy? Just kidding I know the reference John9: Ha ha! Made me have a flash back to that old show "Laugh In". My father use to say one fist is worth a thousand words. Well, I am learning that one laugh is worth a thousand smiles. That's quite a bit for just one day and the day isn't over. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 8 minutes ago, foreverhis said: In the grand scheme of how things happen now, 5 months is not that long--though it's an absolute eternity when you're the one who is waiting. foreverhis: I must admit, I was surprised that I only had to wait 5 months. I had been reading on Sarcoidosis sites that many had to wait 5-6 YEARS! But maybe their being younger and actually still working has something to do with it. Both my husband and I started working when we were 12 years old. I have not worked for over 10 years. Seemed like I was being penalized for becoming a housewife and then sick. I remember the man who interviewed me the day I applied for benefits repeating the name of my first employer. It was a restaurant. I couldn't recall the name but I do remember that I had been a dishwasher. We chuckled at that and then he proceeded to rattle off my whole work history. He knew more than I did. I wish it had been immediately but at least I have my benefits now. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted November 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 14 minutes ago, tnd said: ". If you ever google "home hemodialysis" on youtube, you will find videos that people have made of doing that. I warn, it is not for the squeamish. I'm not squeamish in the least. A good thing too because, though it wasn't like what you had to deal with, John was on IV antibiotics at home with a special portable machine. The nurses taught me how to do everything and I was responsible from then on. Plus, John had to have chemo support with Neulasta Onpro and one time it didn't finish correctly. I had trouble getting the little flexible needle part of it out of his arm. Unfortunately, it was sitting in a blood vessel. That was a scary, messy clean up. He ended up with a bruised arm. I didn't panic; I rarely panic. I also had to be taught how to change specialized dressings. When I was younger, my family called me "nurse Annie" because I wasn't squeamish and always went into "calm help mode" in an emergency. Still, I'm not sure quite how calm I would have been in your situation. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted November 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 31 minutes ago, tnd said: A lump sum has now been deposited into my bank account but I will probably need some type of Award Letter to give to a prospective landlord to prove I have an income now and that it will last. I imagine that will soon be arriving in the mail. tnd, If you have an online SS account you should be able to print one. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted November 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2021 tnd, foreverhis, I believe that those who care and do what they do because of caring only, will never expect a reward or praise. I said that my loving wife and I never did anything with any expectations, we did it because we cared. When my MIL had broken her hip and was allowed to come home she had an issue due to dementia and health issue that required the use of a straight catheter and my loving wife had to do that and neither of them "enjoyed" it but it was the only way she could come home and not go to a facility. Luckily it was very short term and I never had to do it but we will do whatever we have to won't we. I never signed up to have to change my friends diaper or wipe his butt and I never signed up for showering MIL and wiping her butt either but I did it and hopefully I won't ever be a burden on anyone and I will be lucky enough to die before that happens because I would hope I did "earn that reward". 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 5, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 5, 2021 7 hours ago, foreverhis said: I didn't panic; I rarely panic. I also had to be taught how to change specialized dressings. When I was younger, my family called me "nurse Annie" because I wasn't squeamish and always went into "calm help mode" in an emergency. Still, I'm not sure quite how calm I would have been in your situation. foreverhis: At the time there was only about 3,000 people in the US doing this kind of dialysis at home. It was extremely stressful and for me, quite time consuming. But never once had to call 911. Had to learn to hold pressure and trust that the bleeding would stop. Those first few sessions were stressful and very scary. By the end of 3 years I could run the machine blind if I had to but it was still all very stressful. Keeping calm to carry on was more of a requirement. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 5, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 5, 2021 7 hours ago, John9 said: If you have an online SS account you should be able to print one. John9: The Award Letter came today. Glad this part of things has finally happened. Now I need to get cracking and get out of here. I'm usually in my little bat cave this late at night but I'm angry and figured I may as well try plugging in my laptop out here in the kitchen while no one is needing the table. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 5, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 5, 2021 6 hours ago, John9 said: I believe that those who care and do what they do because of caring only, will never expect a reward or praise. I said that my loving wife and I never did anything with any expectations, we did it because we cared. John9: Your wife would be so proud but most importantly, relieved to know that you have continued being the good man that you are. You obviously didn't let losing her make you bitter and turn away from people in need. Not even while being grief stricken. I think it takes a strong person to continue like you have. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 5, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 5, 2021 Up late here tonight. Usually not on my laptop at night but I'm angry and seeing that no one needed this little kitchen table, I decided to emerge from my Bat Cave and let my fingers do the talking. Lord help me....STILL did not get my medicine today!! No, "my ride" came home from work with some food and disappeared into their snake hole (bedroom) and has been in there ever since. And this is after telling me yesterday that we'd go pick up my medicine today. Well, I didn't dare knock on their door. And they are lucky I just didn't kick it in. When I asked about getting my medicine yesterday my head was nearly bitten off. I've gone 3 days now without it and definitely feeling it. I swear, I am dealing with someone who has multiple personalities or they bipolar/schizophrenic and not always on their meds. Their behavior has become predictable. And it's hard to predict when a snake will strike. But I can predict when this one will strike. Nice today means wicked tomorrow. And I am starving. No joke. I have now lost a total of 30 pounds in 2 months. I am sick of PBJ sandwiches and frozen burritos while "others" take hot food to their room. I pitch in but don't get food! They come in, walk right past me without so much as making eye contact and disappear into their hole and often with other family members. Weird. I will be sitting here when this snake gets home from work and say "hello" and ask how their day went but nope, I get a quiet grunt, no eye contact and...no food. And now no medicine. This particular med I can let slide a little longer but there are 2 meds that I have to take and when it comes time to refill them in the next few days, I cannot skip taking them. They are very powerful drugs and suddenly stopping them could earn me a trip to the hospital or worse.. This has all been explained to "my ride", many times. But they keep acting like they don't remember. Or do they ??? I tell you, I feel a wickedness here. If I could, I'd call a cab and go get my meds but I don't have a phone. So I am stuck. Surrounded by evil. Lord, where did I go wrong? I am doing all I can now to keep my cool. I could very easily explode but I won't. I MUST "keep calm and carry on". How does one do that though in this situation? How?? 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted November 5, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 5, 2021 7 hours ago, tnd said: I am doing all I can now to keep my cool. I could very easily explode but I won't. I MUST "keep calm and carry on". How does one do that though in this situation? How?? tnd, I don't have any solution that would help you unless you can email the pharmacy and see if they know of a cheap or free delivery service that can help you. I have really never been able to understand some people, especially the 2-faced ones. I think it is some sort of "power" issue, they want to be in control of others and it makes them feel BIG. It is important to have and take your medication but if any of them are like the ones MIL and friend took you HAVE to eat too. I just hope that you can find a place and move ASAP for many reasons but your health and mental well being are the most important. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 5, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 5, 2021 19 hours ago, tnd said: KayC: Well, I asked "my ride" again and was chewed out for it. That is so wrong! And I'm so sorry that after all that, the pharmacy didn't have all of them ready. No excuse for that! I hope you get a better response next time. And I pray it won't be long until you're in your own place. Sometimes if you can establish yourself in a church it might be easier to have a pool of people from which to draw from. None of us (in my church) would treat someone that way, we'd try to help them ourselves or find someone who could. My pastor is the best example I know of someone who gives of themselves. During our snowpocalypse (2/24-3/3/19) our electricity was out, which means no water either, phones were out too. We couldn't drive anywhere and couldn't walk anywhere for days with 4'5" of super wet snow that came overnight and then froze hard. After a week, my pastor came and got me, drove to the church, got out, handed me his car keys and said, "Go to our house, the door is open, get a shower, and when you get back here, we'll have breakfast ready for you." He worked hard all week, taking care of seniors and close to 100 young people that had been stranded out of town on a skiing trip, the hwy was closed for days, he fed them and found cots for them to sleep on. Even now it brings me tears to remember. I will never forget Arlie and I stranded here in the dark listening to trees crashing all around us, not knowing when one would hit us. It was total devastation outside, I was worried about Arlie hurting himself on a stob when going outside to do his business. The only time in his life I couldn't walk him. I had to go to the bathroom outside, worried someone would come by and see me as I couldn't even make my way down behind a tree! It felt like the whole outside was an igloo, one you couldn't get around in. Food going to waste. Not knowing when this would end, or how it would end! My son showed up a few days into this, he couldn't get through before because the only way in/out of town was closed. We were cut off from the world, I didn't even know what was going on in my town. My son shoveled the roof off and saved my home. Him and friends shoveled on my driveway until he had to leave and then my pastor came up with someone and finiished it.. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 5, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 5, 2021 17 hours ago, foreverhis said: I don't quite know how to say this, but the family that took you in sound like they're not the Christians they claim to be. If I had said, "You're not going to live in the streets. I'll help while you get back on your feet. You will stay with me," then that's what I would have done. I'd simply have asked that you contribute as you could and that, down the road when you're settled, you help someone else if/when possible and if I'd had really significant costs that affected my own limited budget, maybe we'd figure out how to help each other as we go along. But I would not be haranguing you about it or making you feel guilty or yelling/chiding/chewing you out about it. I'd understand that having you with me would mean a bit more expense (utilities and whatnot) that would be my gift to you, patience on both our parts, and some of me helping you as you help yourself. So, either I'd accept that in myself as the "terms" of my offer or I wouldn't offer in the first place. And that's what is tweaking me off right now. They offered; they took you in and said they'd help you; and now they've gone 'round the bend in making things harder and more painful for you. I am afraid I have to agree, I don't judge whether they are/aren't Christians or not but let's just say their living it leaves something to be desired. And do NOT let them guilt you into sharing your soc sec with them when you get it! You will need it for furnitured, 1st month, last month, deposit, food, household goods. It seems they "wearied of doing good," which the Bible tells us NOT to do! I'd always be grateful for them taking you in but it's with a grain of salt it seems. 16 hours ago, tnd said: He knew more than I did. I'm glad they have record of all of your employment, that's better than they did for me! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 5, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 5, 2021 16 hours ago, John9 said: I never signed up to have to change my friends diaper or wipe his butt and I never signed up for showering MIL and wiping her butt either but I did it and hopefully I won't ever be a burden on anyone I feel this way. Sometimes I'm glad we don't know the future. Today is enough. And that's biblical. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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