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Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life


tnd

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40 minutes ago, John9 said:

I know it probably sounds "funny" me telling you to hold on when I am just barely hanging on myself and really don't want to. But we can only do what we can, right.

John9:  This is exactly what I need; some reassurance. Just hearing (or even reading someone's post) telling me to hold on helps.  And you're right, we can only do what we can. I had a talk with one of my "new family" members and they reassured me that I wasn't being ignored and that I am not unwanted here. They explained why others do and say what they do. So that kind of helps, if I'm to believe them. I just hate feeling like a burden or downer to anyone. It is so uncomfortable. I know I've got to hang in there. Have no choice. I had better not screw this up. 

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16 minutes ago, tnd said:

John9:  It sure is endless. Maybe that's why they say that death is a part of life. Doesn't help but maybe that is what they mean. Seems too simple and I don't think it is.  

tnd,

Yes, as the saying goes death and taxes are the only things for sure. I know that "nobody" gets out alive but things sure could be easier for those left behind. I don't really understand how anybody couldn't be affected by losing anybody close to them, let alone someone that they shared a life with but I know it happens. I have said that I have really always been emotional but was never allowed to express them because of old standards. When my loving wife and I got together I was more emotional but she helped me express and control them and now that she died the dam broke and I am very emotional about everything. Very short bursts of tears and very sad periods of time. I am not sure how I am going to do at the service for my loving wife's cousin because we didn't have one for her and MIL because it was too hard for us but the "good" sister says that her children "need" it so they can get the closure they need. I am afraid that I won't make it through but I need to try for her. It is tentatively next Monday waiting for final details. I have some time to prepare so maybe I will be okay. One day at a time.

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12 minutes ago, John9 said:

When my loving wife and I got together I was more emotional but she helped me express and control them and now that she died the dam broke and I am very emotional about everything.

John9:  As you've described, the dam broke but I'd say it's to be expected. I think we all have our limits when it comes to how we handle things. Losing our spouses is not something all of us have experienced before. We might know people who have lost a spouse or beloved but really, even if we did have the experience, I don't know that it would make it any easier. My husband taught me some things but doesn't mean I am putting it to good use right now. I think he'd understand. I would hope that your wife would understand why your so emotional these days. It's other people who don't seem to understand us. I know I shouldn't let that bother me or at least not bother me as much as it is but, I am having a hard time with getting my feelings hurt. Hopefully no one has hurt your feelings for grieving and being emotional. 

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3 minutes ago, tnd said:

It's other people who don't seem to understand us. I know I shouldn't let that bother me or at least not bother me as much as it is but, I am having a hard time with getting my feelings hurt. Hopefully no one has hurt your feelings for grieving and being emotional. 

tnd,

Nobody has specifically hurt me but the reactions are just as hurtful, the looks and other things too. I am probably overly sensitive now and may be for the rest of my life, who knows or maybe I just don't care about what anybody thinks any more because it isn't important to me. Nothing they say will bring my loving wife back and my reaction won't either so I am trying to just live my life and let them live theirs. I am trying to figure this out and do what I can.

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19 hours ago, tnd said:

On the plus side, I spoke to one of my doctors today via a Tele-med appointment. He will be on the look out for my benefit forms and fill them out. I knew he would. He's been my primary for 30 years now, he's knows practically every thing that has ever happened to me, good and bad. And my current situation is no exception. Nice knowing he's on my side.  

Yes!  I'm so glad. I had a doctor like that,he was my doctor for 32-34 years, I used to work for him, he was our family doctor.  His clinic shut down and now he's an ER doctor, I do miss having him.

 

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18 hours ago, tnd said:

I had a talk with one of my "new family" members and they reassured me that I wasn't being ignored and that I am not unwanted here. They explained why others do and say what they do.

It is hard when you find yourself living in a family where you aren't familiar with their dynamics or ways and they handle things differently than you're accustomed to.  It'd be easy to personalize where it's not intended when it SEEMS that way to you.  It's hard to not feel insecure about your position there.

 

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

It is hard when you find yourself living in a family where you aren't familiar with their dynamics or ways and they handle things differently than you're accustomed to.

KayC:  This is one reason why I've decided to hide my own feelings around them. I don't understand them and they don't necessarily understand me. I'm sort of walking on pins and needles but it's for survival. I really really do need to get my own place. There are things going on here that I would not have tolerated or lived with in my past life and so certainly am uncomfortable with right now and I'm not just talking about family dynamics. 

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@KayC  Happy belated wedding anniversary. 

I'm sorry for all the inconveniences and struggles you are dealing with lately. I've read a lot of what you've written here and i have to say i am impressed by your courage and strength and generosity. Especially considering all you've endured and continue to.

 And i also want to thank you for the link to the Soul Proof website that you posted on another thread yesterday.  Reading it brought me comfort when i really needed it.  Was one of those heavy heavy days.  Take care.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Kodie kept jumping on my lap, needless to say I never got back to sleep, he's real needy this morning, not sure what's up, something has him upset. 

KayC,

I wish you a belated Anniversary and can only say I am sorry that George and you can't celebrate it like I am sure you did. Maybe Kodie isn't upset but trying to help you with what you are dealing with right now, animals do sense when something is wrong.That is one of the things I miss about all of the ones that died "recently" they knew because they were around and were aware when something was different. I am sorry about your sister and that is just one of the things that hurts "us" isn't it. There are and were times I/we almost wished that I/we were cold heartless people because then it would be an oh well situation, that you brought it on yourself and you have to deal with it. But we weren't and we cared and life still kicked the crap out of us and it still is. I say I don't care about anything but then when the "good" sisters Daughter died here I am sending flowers and donating to the service. I would anyway because even if I cared about nothing she was there for us and deserves that at the very least. I know I am just angry about everything and making general statements about hate and such but it does hurt. Being a caring person for others is not a life that you will see a reward and that isn't why "most" of us do things but does it have to hurt us also. I know that especially with my friend I got so angry sometimes that it was as if he was doing things so he would die sooner even though I was really the one that ended up on the short end and my conscience wouldn't let me "walk" away no matter how he hurt me. This is just one of those things that go through my mind. I fully understand the being ALONE and I have only dealt with it for a small portion compared to you. I have said it and will continue to say it I hate this stage of the current life I have as it isn't the way it should be, I would have looked back and said we deserved a better ending than this one and I know my end isn't here yet but my loving wife should have been able to enjoy some peace on earth with me for  a long time before either of us or both of us died.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

Peggy had a stroke yesterday morning, I didn't find out until dinner time, she refuses to go to the doctor.  She can't find some of her words so I spent an hour listening to her struggle, which put me behind on eating dinner so this morning my BS was higher as it messed up my Intermittent Fasting schedule.  I can't talk sense into her.

KayC:  I am SO SORRY about Peggy! Sounds like you had a very very challenging day. That's probably what Kodie sensed. Or maybe he even sensed/smelled that your blood sugar was higher...some dogs can do that. Maybe he's one of them. Some can also sense heart attacks. 

I really hope that Peggy can go into a nursing facility soon...for both your sakes. I know you love and care for her and you have such a big heart but you've done far more than you should or that anyone else would do. And you can't cure her. Like you said, she refuses to listen to you and do what she should do, you can't help that, either. And I'm afraid no, it IS affecting your health. Please don't do that to yourself! After administering my husband's hemodialysis at home for 3 years, I began to struggle with my breathing and energy. Just thought I was getting burnt out or Asthma getting worse. So I had to give it up. Well, come to find out I may have very well been in the early stages of Sarcoidosis...and ended up with Stage 4 Permanent Scarring (fibrosis of the lungs). I had ignored my own health and shouldn't have. Perhaps if I had seen a Pulmonologist sooner we could have prevented the scarring. Please don't wait for the worst to happen to you...

 

  

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Finally got some descent sleep last night. Don't know if the two apples I ate before laying my head down had anything to do with it but felt great to wake up and know I had slept. I've missed that feeling. And other than dealing with an insurance snafu, today is going pretty good so far. Did a couple of chores; tidied up my room, cleaned the cat's litter box and did a load of laundry. That's actually a lot for me, no joke. But it all goes into my positivity bucket. Meanwhile, things here "on the homefront" seem to have calmed down. I was approved for food stamps (a whopping $166/month). I gave the EBT card to my angel Francis to get food and she did, including those delicious apples. I have never had to be on food stamps before. I swear, if I had the ability, I'd be working. I use to work 2-3 jobs if I had to. Of course, I was a lot younger then and healthy. But I feel so degraded not being able to financially contribute around here. I am still quite uncomfortable with some of the things going on and with some of the living conditions but I'm alive and I am not meeting some terrible fate out on the streets. I am grateful for what I have -life. And today I am in a good mood so will try my best not to screw that up. 

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tnd,

I am "happy" in a weird way that you were approved for food stamps and you can help the "family" in some way so you don't feel like a total drain on them. I can only hope that the Social Security can come through soon to give you that peace also. Hopefully when you are approved it will be enough to do what you want and need so you can grieve "your" way. I am trying to send you positive thoughts because we all need them don't we. I have trouble keeping out the negative but I am trying.

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34 minutes ago, tnd said:

I had ignored my own health and shouldn't have.

I believe that my loving wife had been putting off some of the care she needed also because of all of the stresses of work and caring for her Mother, even though I was caring for her too there just never seems to be the time and then.....I put off checkups and preventative care too but it doesn't seem important anymore.

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31 minutes ago, John9 said:

I put off checkups and preventative care too but it doesn't seem important anymore.

John9:  Of course your health is important! I know what you mean by saying it doesn't seem to be but it IS. This is why we have to lift each other up. This is why I come to this site. I have days too where I just do not want to go on because I don't see the point in it. I've lost everything. EVERYTHING. But with help from you and others here and my heart, something tells me I have to keep going. Why, I'm not sure yet. Sometimes I think it's because my husband wouldn't want me to give up. That might be the reason. Do I need another? I wouldn't want my last thought to be about letting him down. 

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23 hours ago, tnd said:

I was approved for food stamps (a whopping $166/month).

It's certainly a paltry amount, but I'm sure it will make a huge difference in helping your overall health, physical and emotional.  At least that one thing was processed and approved.  I've been thinking and wonder if your church has what my mom's church calls a "food pantry"?  I can't say it's "our" church as John and I didn't belong to any specific religion anymore, but did keep our faith.  When I attend services for any reason, it's at my mom's (and a friend's) small, simple Methodist church within walking distance of our home.  I take food donations there or the one of the local food banks. 

Parishioners and friends bring non-perishables and one of the church volunteers keeps the pantry sorted.  Sometimes people go through their pantries and donate extras.  Other times, people take advantage of "buy one, get one free" specials on pastas, rice, grains, canned fruit/veg/meats, peanut butter, crackers or cookies, and things like that, keeping one for themselves and donating the free item.  I do that because it's so easy and I would have bought the one item anyway.  It's not anything fancy, but it is good quality.  At the church, it's mostly an honor system, though the church secretary keeps track of parishioners who might be having a hard time and will ask one of the volunteers to put together a bag or two and deliver it.  Please don't be ashamed to ask or even look at local food banks to supplement what your benefit will buy.

23 hours ago, tnd said:

I have never had to be on food stamps before. I swear, if I had the ability, I'd be working. I use to work 2-3 jobs if I had to. Of course, I was a lot younger then and healthy.

Please do not beat yourself up about this.  You and your husband worked hard and contributed for decades.  Programs like this are supposed to be there to help us when we need it.  It's why we pay our taxes, knowing that "there but for the grace of God" means some day we may be the ones who need a little boost. 

I'm going to tell you a story that isn't exactly mine to tell, but I'm pretty sure she won't mind.  Our daughter went through something like this for a time.  When she got pregnant, her fiance decided he didn't want to be a dad after all, even though they'd already talked about having children soon.  He took off, leaving her alone.  She had graduated from college, but hadn't found a well paying job in her field.  She was working full time, but was barely making ends meet with no support from her ex.  (He does pay child support and half the cost of after school programs.)  Her dad and I researched benefits she might qualify for while she went through her pregnancy and then got back on her feet after the baby was born.  They included Medicaid (her work had no benefits) and SNAP.  She kind of fought us about it for a couple of months because she said it made her feel like a loser and a taker.  We pointed out that we had been paying taxes for decades without a quibble and that she had been contributing since she was 16 when she got her first after school and summer job.  We reminded her that social programs exist to help us when we need it most.  She finally agreed, though she was never truly comfortable with it, just like you. 

Of course we and my mom helped her as we could, but we couldn't support her and felt strongly that she needed to use the benefits she had absolutely earned.  Those benefits helped make a painful period in her life a little easier and eased our minds too.  So please consider what you would say to someone in your position right now.  Would you berate them for having lost the love of their life, their home, and their security?  Or would you be charitable in your thoughts, realizing that it could happen to anyone and that we all need help from time to time?  I'm guessing, it would be the latter.  I urge you to be as kind to yourself as you would be to others.

 

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11 hours ago, tnd said:

I am still quite uncomfortable with some of the things going on and with some of the living conditions but I'm alive and I am not meeting some terrible fate out on the streets. I am grateful for what I have -life. And today I am in a good mood so will try my best not to screw that up. 

Oh dear.  I knew things weren't easy and read what you wrote about conflicts, but this sounds more serious than that.  I was very distressed when you wrote how little you have had to eat.  Knowing you have at least some SNAP benefits is certainly a good thing and will help.  You are alive and not on the streets, so I understand why you've taken the attitude of just getting through it until you an get a place of your own.  No matter how small, it will be your home and you will be able to live as you choose, finally allowing yourself to grieve in your own time.

In the meantime, we are here for you.  We always will be.

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5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I urge you to be as kind to yourself as you would be to others.

foreverhis,

This is one of the things we do isn't it, we will beat ourselves up for something we can't control and help others in the same situation. I have said that I am the worst for following my own advice, and it is probably worse now with the grief brain. I "know" things but I don't understand things as they apply to me but I can see it when it hurts or bothers others. Maybe at some point I will figure things out again. 

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It occurred to me Mike could have Covid, if so, I hope Iris doesn't get it.  They haven't tested.
Peggy could talk yesterday!  I ordered some Bromelain for her as it thins the blood and she can't take aspirin, I think it'll help her not only with her arthritis but also prrevent strokes.  It's taken me months to get the electrician out to her house to replace the panel, but today they're doing it.  Since the electricity will be off all day, I will bring her lunch and let Kodie entertain her.  She can't see to read. 

I appreciate your thoughts, but I am NOT ignoring my health, quite the contrary!  I put myself on hold for a year before doing something about it, and that is letting go of what I cannot change (her).  Finding balance.  My BP is finally normalized.  My weight is normal, and has stayed there for a year now.  My BS is good. I've been of diabetic medications and statins for over a year.  I pray/meditate, I see the doctor, walk twice a day, take time for myself and Kodie.  People are good at laying stuff on us but we have to step back, especially from the entitled.  My siblings and I have discussed this and the next time Peggy goes to the hospital, I will not fight to get her home, they will send her to a care center.  I had no idea she/things were as bad as they were until she went in last time and I had to go through her house, she's very good at fooling people, it's what she does.  I still have not found a will and she's keeping me away from her finances, so it looks like she will become a ward of the state and her property along with it.  I'm not cold, she's made her choices and the consequences that go with her choices, I can't take her on any more, it's too much.  She'd swallow a person alive.  Bert was 81 when he died, I don't know how he did this for 50 years.  Very hard.

17 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm alive and I am not meeting some terrible fate out on the streets. I am grateful for what I have -life.

You've come a long ways from wanting to pull the plug, I'm so glad!  I know it's tough right now, but it won't always be this way.  I remember when going through the divorce with the kids' dad, it was so hard!  We live in a small town, he carried a lot of clout and people talked about me behind my back, neighbors, church, friends, coworker, even my daughter's supervisor harassed her!  It was hell.  I held my head up, I put a sign up in front of my desk under the counter and it said, "You are valuable."  I got up and looked in the mirror every day and told myself, "It won't be like this forever!"  And it wasn't.  But it went on for a very long time, 1 1/2 years.  There are worse things than being alone, and being/getting out of a bad marriage is one of them.  I know someone going through that now, they were married for 45 years.  She'll lose all her friends...but not me.  People judge from the outside, they don't know beans.  I'd read my Bible and knew God had not deserted me.

 

16 hours ago, tnd said:

I have to keep going. Why, I'm not sure yet.

It may be some time but you will know eventually.  It's interesting to think that we can be a beacon to others in life.  Even when we're just plugging along.  People do see how we handle things and can be inspired by it.  It's the last thing on our mind in the moment though.  I was watching Gabby's parents on the Dr Phil show, they're amazing!  I'm glad I watched it.  They're lending purpose to what they've been through, wanting to make Gabby's life count, to benefit others, and their way of honoring her.  One thing that impressed me was when her mom said they (two divorced couples) are laying aside their differences and working together.

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

one of the church volunteers keeps the pantry sorted. 

In my old church we had a food pantry, I was in charge of it for 23 years I went there.  I had to first sort through it all to make sure the exp. dates were good.  My kids were amazed people would put their expired food into it!  Sigh.  But some gave from their heart and gave their best and that touched me.  My daughter grew up and guess what, she's been involved in volunteering at a food pantry on her one day off a week, she's done this for years until Covid and they stopped allowing it then.  

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

please consider what you would say to someone in your position right now. 

Exactly!  I tell people, "What would you tell your best friend?!  Tell that to yourself right now because we ARE now our best friend, now that ours has died."  

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16 minutes ago, KayC said:

I had to first sort through it all to make sure the exp. dates were good.  My kids were amazed people would put their expired food into it! 

KayC,

I understand this BUT my loving wife and I ate many things that were past the date as long as the packages were intact and not bulging. There is a lot of waste because of marketing and the "best by" dates. I am not saying that all things are still good but IF it is edible I wouldn't have a problem eating it, of course right now food is not really important and I am not eating much and I am having trouble using things by the dates on the packages because it is only me and I have many things that my loving wife and I bought because of the way we used things when there were 3 of us plus my friend and it is hard. I have given some food away to make sure it is used and I buy much less now. I don't mean to imply that people should be only "cleaning" out the junk I was just making a statement that some people don't "believe" in the dating of product.

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True, but we couldn't put exp. food in there, some of it was YEARS past date, dents, rust, not safe.  People can decide for themselves what to eat at home but that's not something to put in a food pantry!

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KayC,

I do understand and I "know" some people clean out the cupboard with the attitude that those people will take anything. I was saying that the labels need to be updated. And people do need to pay attention and do good for good not with an ulterior motive.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

Tell that to yourself right now because we ARE now our best friend, now that ours has died."  

KayC:  I've always said that we have to be an active participant in our own health. And now, we should add "our own advocate" to that. 

 

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KayC:  Thanks for sharing the Charles Dickens. I am trying to separate my anger from my fear and other emotions. When I was discussing cheap apartments with my brother and SIL, I had told them that I had to be careful as to the area an apartment was in. Sometimes the cheapest apartments are in the worst areas that are riddled with crime, rape, murder, drugs, shootings, etc...and at my age and being tethered to an oxygen machine, I could be easy prey. Their response was that sometimes you have to live in the worst areas because that's all you can afford. Okay, I get that but I doubt my brother would go and live in such areas himself or want his wife to. Even if it's something that I have to do it doesn't mean I want to hear it as if I'm some whiney complainer and a stupid one. My life sucks right now and the last thing I want is to hear people say "well, yes it does suck but that's how it goes and you had better accept it". And heck, here I am....living in an area of the city that I have always avoided because of the crime. I was warned about it when I first moved to this city and now here it is, nearly 30 years later and it's (the area) is still the same. 

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7 hours ago, John9 said:

foreverhis,

This is one of the things we do isn't it, we will beat ourselves up for something we can't control and help others in the same situation. I have said that I am the worst for following my own advice, and it is probably worse now with the grief brain. I "know" things but I don't understand things as they apply to me but I can see it when it hurts or bothers others. Maybe at some point I will figure things out again. 

Yes, absolutely I am really good at blaming myself for anything and everything.  I'm working on it, but it's a slow process.  It's definitely "do as I say (well, suggest), not as I do" at times. 

Grief brain is certainly a part of it.  The world doesn't make sense, at least it didn't for me, so processing/understanding/doing things was difficult to impossible for quite a long while.  Yet somehow, I could find and express to others what I couldn't see for myself.  There's just no getting around what a hard journey it is, this shattering of our hearts and lives that can never be put together in the same way again.

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On 10/22/2021 at 11:48 AM, KayC said:

One good thing is...I've hounded the electrician to come out to Peggy's house for MONTHS to replace her panel box, it needs it and her elec. had to be off yesterday so I brought her lunch and Kodie entertained her.  They have to come finish up today but can do that with the elec. on so that's good.

KayC:  Hope they finished the job today. That will be one less thing on the To Do List. Now you can put it in your positivity bucket. 

 

On 10/22/2021 at 11:48 AM, KayC said:

So yesterday Iris' husband Mike tested positive for Covid, he's had it six days.  I go to their place every day so their dog and Kodie can play, but I sit outside and haven't been around him, but I was around Iris for a moment on her bdy (the 18th)

KayC:  Glad you are playing it safe and self-quarantining. Neither one of you can afford to get Covid. I'm not sure that even the dogs should play together right now. I don't know about Covid but they can transmit other germs to humans...best to play it safe.  

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Had a really bad day again yesterday. Pretty much kept to myself and just tried to rest. I am just super stressed about everything. It's like pulling teeth to get answers about my Widows Benefits or...ANYTHING for that matter. I am expected to do this and to do that, look into this or look into that and well, I am exhausted. I know it's not good to dwell on things but, ever since my husband went into the hospital last December my life has been so extremely stressful. And then when he died in June, the level of stress went up a notch that I didn't think possible. I keep having to jump through hoops, just to survive. Literally just to breath. I need to be able to pay for my oxygen machines. And I miss my husband terribly and can't even just stop to grieve without having to do this or that or think of this or that. I want this stress to end. I'm not saying I am giving up, I am just saying that I want something good to weigh in my favor for a change. I know life must go on but this is hardly living. I am hardly living. I continue praying...all the time. I trust God hears me. I have faith that He will provide for me. It's the waiting that is the hardest part. 

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5 minutes ago, tnd said:

It's the waiting that is the hardest part. 

tnd,

I totally understand this and it is I believe is part of why time just seems to drag on and on. I do hope that things go good for you soon, it would make some of the pressure go away. I am wanting too but as of now it is just more of the same and after meeting with Attorney for MIL I have to wait and see if I have to wait.:wacko: As I have said before you would think that it would be streamlined after all these years, computers have all of the information they need but they want you to provide it again and again. We know that stress is real but nobody seems to understand that and they keep adding to it and that stresses us more.

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5 minutes ago, John9 said:
18 minutes ago, tnd said:

It's the waiting that is the hardest part. 

tnd,

I totally understand this and it is I believe is part of why time just seems to drag on and on. I do hope that things go good for you soon, it would make some of the pressure go away. I am wanting too but as of now it is just more of the same and after meeting with Attorney for MIL I have to wait and see if I have to wait.

John9:  I sure hope you get to move forward on everything. My anger flares up when I'm stressed out. I'm under stress every day but some days are worse than others and that's when I feel angry. I think of certain people who will probably never go through what I am because of my financial situation. Every day I wake up and still can't believe where I am at and how I am having to survive.  

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Ha. Just got a letter from the SSA. They want the name, address and phone number to my Pulmonologist and when my next appt with him is. This is the crap I'm talking about...they've had this info since I filed for benefits in June. And I've given it to them (plus my doctor's fax number) 2 more times since then. Now going for a 3rd. And if they think I can wait until January after my next appt to receive benefits, they've got another thing coming. I remember my husband telling me how they made his first wife go in for MRI's and a doctor's statement every 6 months in case she improved -she had a Glioblastoma. A fatal cancerous brain tumor. No one survives it and yet the SSA made the poor woman continue providing proof. I'm sure my husband had some pretty choice words to say...I know I would have. What a bunch of BS! Maybe I ought to schedule an appt in-person and while I am there, remove my oxygen and show them on my Oximeter just how quickly and how far my oxygen level drops. Sarcoidosis is very real. It may be rare but it's real. Perhaps they need a demonstration and to have the bee-jeezus scared out of them when I drop to the floor. A-holes. 

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tnd,

The comments you just made basically made my point. Why does the left hand and the right hand not cooperate, this all should be much more streamlined by now. This all should be approved and not approved much quicker, they are messing with peoples lives. I don't like that you are in this position and nobody understands what you are dealing with. I understand the anger and the stress issues and all of that. I am just not able to think straight anymore and my loving wife and I were so connected that without her every time I get knocked down it takes longer to get back up and I am not sure it is worth it. I am not giving up but it is hard to keep going.

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14 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm not sure that even the dogs should play together right now. I don't know about Covid but they can transmit other germs to humans...best to play it safe.  

No, it doesn't.  They're fine, and outdoors.  They're my one bright spot in the day.

tnd, This is what drives me bonkers, the redundancy  I'd point out when replying that for the THIRD TIME...it infuriates me!  It's not news, Huntley!  Grr!  Does no one LISTEN?!

 

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29 minutes ago, KayC said:

tnd, This is what drives me bonkers, the redundancy  I'd point out when replying that for the THIRD TIME...it infuriates me!  It's not news, Huntley!  Grr!  Does no one LISTEN?!

KayC,

It almost seems as if the people at the office receive a bonus if they delay or deny claims. I am not saying it is happening but it makes absolutely no sense but as I have said nothing does anymore. I am not saying that things ever did but now I look at things from a different angle and it is ridiculous how many hoops you have to jump through for something that involves a death and at the worst time in someones life too. It's not like people just started dying and they don't know what to do, these organizations have been doing this forever and it should have been "updated" by now. Sometimes the people forget that even though it is a job to them it was a loved one to us and we don't want to be doing any of this. I know the saying that nothing is done until the paperwork is finished but why does it have to be so hard. I understand why Lawyers make a career out of dealing with Social Security and other Government agencies, sadly they charge too much for the average person to be able to hire them because who can pay a percentage of the benefits when you need all they give you and more. I am just venting but it should be a simple process and I am not just talking about Social Security.

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My XH got throat cancer, soc. sec. denied his disability claim although as a truck driver he could NOT work!  He had a hard enough time LIVING through this!  He had to get a lawyer, THEN they put it through.

You might consider that, there are lawyers for indigent people, not sure how much they take but it's important it gets accepted! Kind of lastt resort, but a consideration... https://hirealawyer.findlaw.com/do-you-need-a-lawyer/getting-free-or-low-cost-legal-help.html

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

You might consider that, there are lawyers for indigent people, not sure how much they take

KayC:  Thanks for the link. Francis is saying the same thing, that I might have to get a lawyer. I'm sure she'd like to see me get my own place, too....

She mentioned that there are lawyers that will work pro-bono or for very cheap. But then she mentioned that she has a friend with a disability and her "pro-bono" lawyer "only" charged her $20/month for 10 years. Okay, while that is cheap, it's not for a person on a low fixed income that is paying for living expenses. Most people could not imagine it but I can actually do a lot with $20. It's a matter of survival. So I really am hoping that I won't need a lawyer and have to pay anything now or later, let alone start again with telling my story, history and paperwork, etc...

I am really sick and tired of all this. I am not suicidal but I honestly do not know how much more I can withstand. They do tests when babies are born to check to see if they are thriving. One thing they've learned is that if a baby does not feel cared for they fail to thrive and can lose their will to live. I've lost more weight this week and I am trying to "live in the now" and not think too far ahead but wonder now if maybe I've actually stopped thinking about the future because I sense I will have none. My health is not that great and I don't think it will get any better under all this doom and gloom and stress. Feeling broken is bad enough and so is feeling weak but, losing the will to live...I might be feeling or sensing that now. Maybe because I know the ultimate peace is only with God. At least I hope I go to Heaven. 

 

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On 10/23/2021 at 6:35 PM, John9 said:

my loving wife and I were so connected that without her every time I get knocked down it takes longer to get back up and I am not sure it is worth it. I am not giving up but it is hard to keep going.

John9:  A Psychiatrist once told me that depending on the type of trauma we experience and the frequency of trauma and the older we get that we don't always bounce back as fast or in the same way that we did when younger. So, for those of us who have had a lot of trauma in our lives and being compounded with the loss of our loved one, we are probably going to have it a little tougher for a little longer. To sum it up, it all sucks right now. 

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6 hours ago, tnd said:

So, for those of us who have had a lot of trauma in our lives and being compounded with the loss of our loved one, we are probably going to have it a little tougher for a little longer. To sum it up, it all sucks right now. 

tnd,

I can understand the statement and I very much can attest to this, and the later part of it too. I have said it and will continue to say it I am here till God says otherwise. But I don't know how much more I can handle. I don't want to be a whiner and a complainer but this is terrible and getting worse and I just want it to be over. And I am sorry to keep saying that but it is how I feel.

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16 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't know how much more I can handle. I don't want to be a whiner and a complainer but this is terrible and getting worse and I just want it to be over. And I am sorry to keep saying that but it is how I feel.

John9:  It's not whining or complaining -it's called being "grief stricken".  Seems the only thing we can think of is missing our loved ones. And it keeps playing in our heads like a stuck needle on a record player over and over. I haven't reached the point where I can disrupt it and neither have you. So we are stuck with this same pain over and over every day. Having a routine helps and wearing myself out so I'll fall asleep at night helps but nothing, at least not entirely puts this grief to rest. It just keeps going. This is why I think I need to figure out how to carry the grief with me rather than to think that there's a way to be rid of it. I'm already thinking that when I get my own place I can privately have conversations with my husband over coffee in the mornings. Right now, I sort of assess my day and tell him and God about it before going to bed. I'd rather be sitting near a window having my coffee and admiring birds or dogs being walked while talking, like I use to. Silly, I know but, it's all I could come up with right now. I figure if I could at least continue doing something I enjoyed with my husband that is "doable" then maybe, just maybe I will be able to do other things. Right now however, I feel I am getting weaker with this grief and from stress. Things have GOT to happen soon because I don't know how much willpower I've got left in me. I reckon that is where you are at, too. It's hard to keep hanging on. But the sun came up again today so here I am...  

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

Which reminds me, how are your cats, tnd?

 

KayC:  Thanks for asking. Surprisingly, my cats are doing fine. They are a little stressed from having to be cooped up inside a small room 24/7 and not being able to cuddle next to me on a bed (I'm sleeping on a couch). I go in and play with them, talk to them and give them what I call "the royal rubdown" and tell them how proud I am of them for handling things so well. And I keep telling them that although I don't know when, we will have our own place again and be back in our own bed. I'm careful not to use the word "promise" because I don't want to jinx it. I feel bad for them being stuck in a room but I think it would have been harder on them if I had to give them away. They've been with me several years now. 

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1 hour ago, tnd said:

I'd rather be sitting near a window having my coffee and admiring birds or dogs being walked while talking, like I use to. Silly, I know but, it's all I could come up with right now.

tnd,

I understand and if this is one of the things that can keep you going then that is good. The rest of your comment is true and I do feel like I am just about out of "willpower" too. I have said it and I will again it takes everything for me to do anything, I have to force myself to stay in bed (it's too early) and force myself to get up (it's too late) and to do anything because it just feels like I get nowhere when I call about anything play phone tag wait for response and wait and wait. Last week the Attorney's office said things are moving well and I said I hadn't heard in weeks and she said yes it's moving well and I don't understand. To me nothing is happening and to them any movement is good (but too slow) and it just keeps dragging on and on. I have tried and tried to come up with some sort of routine but because of how things were with my loving wife and me and our relationship nothing matters and it is hard to WANT to do anything. The desire to please her and do for her is missing and without that I don't see the point. I didn't do things around the house for praise, I did it because she worked outside the house but I know she appreciated it because she told me and everyone else and I am not a slob but.....I get up I shower I get dressed and I try to do things but my broken heart isn't in it and it is dangerous to do things if you are not concentrating on them, I put a screwdriver into my finger a couple weeks ago because I got distracted thinking about something else while using it. I do stare out the window and even that doesn't bring me pleasure just reminds me that I need to do yard work and it's not fun anymore. I don't intentionally think of the negative it just comes to the surface. I was talking yesterday at the service for my loving wife's cousin and a "suggestion" was given to me that I need to do things that her and I didn't do and I said that it is hard to after 35 years to find things that we didn't do or places we didn't go that I want to do because we enjoyed doing the same things and going to the same places like restaurants. I admit I am a creature of habit and therein lies a large part of this. I also told him that because we were as one my identity is totally connected or merged with my loving wife and there is no "quick fix" for my grieving but he thankfully is not having to deal with this and hopefully he never will. I hate it but would never want anyone to know this pain that doesn't already. Forgive my long rambling but this is how today is going so far.

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Peace and quiet: I am sitting here with the place to myself this afternoon. Nice and quiet. At least for a couple of hours. I don't mean to complain, I am quite grateful to this family for taking me in but...it is a very stressful environment, not to mention that the living conditions are less than ideal. There has been more loud arguments going on as well as things that have me just a tad nervous. None of my business though. Except that I seemed to have ticked off a family member and this particular person is somewhat of a loose cannon. They are acting like a child and probably because of their past and what I think, present, drug use. Despite being 30 years of age, they have the intellect of a spoiled teenager. He seems to want to keep people on their edge of their seat, bullying others or those with authority, as if he's the one in charge. Meanwhile, I am also dealing with another family member that I'm not so sure is very stable either. I suspect this person is bipolar and may or may not be on meds. One moment they are nice and say things that make sense. The next, the things that come out of their mouth and what they "believe" is really "out there". Crazy talk. Anyways, this has me on pins and needles. I retreat to my room when the chaos breaks out but I can still hear everything that goes on. I'm also not stupid. Best I stay out of these arguments and steer clear of any trouble. As for the crazy talk, I just let it go. It disturbs me but I know I am not the only one who knows of it. I am just trying to survive and make it out of here alive for if/when my Widows Benefits are approved. I need my own place...for survival. 

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5 minutes ago, John9 said:

a "suggestion" was given to me that I need to do things that her and I didn't do and I said that it is hard to after 35 years to find things that we didn't do or places we didn't go t

John9:  I could understand how after that many years of doing everything together it would be hard to form new habits or find new things to do. When I get my own place, I'm kind of thinking of going back to a lifestyle and enjoying some of the things I did before meeting my husband. Just before meeting my husband my mother was finally able to move out on her own so I transferred back to a smaller apartment. And for the first time, I set it up and decorated it just how I wanted. Because of my illness I may not be able to get out and about like I use to but if there is at all a chance, I want to get out like I use to. I want to at least return to some sort of "happy state" and back then, I was happy. Of course I was even happier when I met my husband but I can't bring him back. So maybe returning to what made me happy and in a sense, starting over, will actually help me to move forward. Notice I did not say it would rid me of grief but, I know I will need to focus on healing and finding something to be happy about each day. Right now I am just happy to not be on the streets, although I do feel like roadkill. 

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I haven't eaten yet today so while I've got the place to myself I am going to make myself a little meal. I've lost a few more pounds and not on any diet. Need to eat. And then I am going to try to do a little cleaning around here. I want to be able to contribute in some way and it would make me feel better about myself and things. Kind of like a taste of some normalcy. Don't know how the evening will go but at least most the day has gone pretty well. I think hubby would be proud of me. 

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tnd,

I am glad that you have a goal for the "future" and the need to be in your own place. I can't be in my own place because I refuse to get rid of our house and I don't want to be anywhere else. I know that is part of my "problem" this house is us and always will be as long as I am alive and I also won't redecorate it so I am in the constant loop that I also have with my thoughts. I can't go back to a "simpler" time because honestly I wasn't really happy before I met my wife because of the various things I have been through and we met and fell in love at the perfect time for both of us. I don't know what the future is, nobody does but I don't see any good for me soon.

2 minutes ago, tnd said:

I haven't eaten yet today so while I've got the place to myself I am going to make myself a little meal. I've lost a few more pounds and not on any diet. Need to eat.

tnd,

I know the feeling, I did stop losing weight and am holding at a weight that is still too high according to charts but down 35 from when my loving wife died. I still don't enjoy eating but I am eating something every day. Maybe not the healthiest food but it is food.

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2 hours ago, John9 said:

I have tried and tried to come up with some sort of routine but because of how things were with my loving wife and me and our relationship nothing matters and it is hard to WANT to do anything.

@John9  Boy can I relate to this.  Also you mentioned problems with concentration. I get that too.  From making dinner to reading, my concentration ability has been compromised. I can only read small paragraphs, one at a time. If the text is too technical, has instructional steps or is poorly written then my concentration breaks quickly.

Thanks for sharing.

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