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Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life


tnd

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On 9/25/2021 at 9:15 PM, KayC said:

It would be easy for someone to lose themselves in drink with this grief, but it does nothing for us, only furthers the depressive rabbit hole

 

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I think that in grief especially there's a fine line between a bit of alcohol being relaxing and veering into too much while trying in vain to dull the pain.

This is my weakness. I'm not alcoholic but it's all too easy to buy cheap alcohol here and on those especially awful days it's all too easy to not stop at 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or ... 

The issue -- and why haven't I learned this yet? -- the issue is that the next day I usually always feel worse. And depressed. I want to transcend it. I don't want it in my life because ultimately it does not help.

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Jemiga70,

3 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

This is my weakness. I'm not alcoholic but it's all too easy to buy cheap alcohol here and on those especially awful days it's all too easy to not stop at 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or ... 

The issue -- and why haven't I learned this yet? -- the issue is that the next day I usually always feel worse. And depressed. I want to transcend it. I don't want it in my life because ultimately it does not help.

I believe that my "potential" problem is I "may" be predisposed to being an alcoholic and because of that AND the fact that alcohol is a depressant I will fall into a vicious cycle that without my wife I would not recover from. I watched my "father" who was an alcoholic before he "killed"(drunk driving) my Mother, fall further and further into the self destructive cycle and he continued to ruin other peoples lives because he never stopped drinking. If I drank to the point of feeling no pain unless I died the pain will be there when I sober up and it just doesn't work for me. I HATE the pain of my wife's death, I HATE the loneliness, I HATE everything about her death, but I am trying not to HATE myself by causing our son anymore grief. I am not preaching just explaining my history and why I don't drink.

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On 9/25/2021 at 7:07 AM, John9 said:

As far as the peanut butter check to see if Amazon will take it back, not sure about "food".

I don't have Amazon Prime so would have to pay return shipping and already discarded the box, besides I don't know for sure yet.  Not feeling like going to another doctor right now (if you read my stressors post this morning, you'll know why), just don't feel like ANYTHING else right now! If it comes down to pnt btr, I'll probably take it to my church and give my opened pnt btr to my friend, it's a huge Adams jar and 1/2 full, it won't go to waste.

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

there's a fine line between a bit of alcohol being relaxing and veering into too much while trying in vain to dull the pain.

In a family of alcoholics it's more about avoiding it altogether!

15 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  That is a very nice idea. I like that. Do you read the messages aloud with each other or, if you don't mind my asking, what do you do with them? I imagine George's stocking is pretty full now.  

Well the kids are long gone now so just me but it's not full, just a simple msg once a year...I don't read theirs and I already know mine because I wrote it down.

15 hours ago, tnd said:

My mistake was actually telling her that I wish I could knock her block off

I'd tell her again!!  :D  Rinse, repeat. ;)  See, I'm no help when it comes to being a good influence!

 

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foreverhis
3 hours ago, KayC said:

In a family of alcoholics it's more about avoiding it altogether!

Absolutely!  I have a couple of friends who had parents who were alcoholics.  Neither of them touch a drop because they just don't want to risk it.

For those who do drink socially, grief can make us think that "drowning our sorrows" would be a good idea, when it's just about the worst thing in the world.

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17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Neither of them touch a drop because they just don't want to risk it.

I have tried it and am not alcoholic, but for me it represents/brings up bad memories. 

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On 9/26/2021 at 8:13 AM, John9 said:

foreverhis,

I agree when you say the fine line part of the response about trying to dull the pain.

John9:  I wish there was some way to dull the pain. I was only thinking of a drink to take the edge off when I feel worked up and stressed. Just one strong drink to nurse. Just something to calm me down so I won't put my head through a wall. But I'm on too many meds for the Sarcoidosis and one of those meds can be especially bad for the liver so alcohol is out of the question. Rats. But I wouldn't want to get more sick than I already am anyway. 

Funny, I remember the doctor telling me to be watch my stress level and to keep it down because inflammation loves stress. Ha! If he could only see me now!  

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tnd,

15 minutes ago, tnd said:

Funny, I remember the doctor telling me to be watch my stress level and to keep it down because inflammation loves stress. Ha! If he could only see me now!  

This is why I commented previously about my ever increasing stress levels over the past 12 years and my wife's also because I do have the "pains" of old age arthritis and such and it is one of the reasons I wonder why I am still here because I feel like I should have died years ago but tried to stay around for my wife and look what that got me. I know all of this would have been too much for her because it is too much for me and I "understand" the stuff that needs done after someone dies and she never had to deal with it. I know that "most" people never dealt with it until they were forced to but my wife went out of her way to avoid all of this type of stuff (any kind of paperwork).

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11 minutes ago, John9 said:

I know that "most" people never dealt with it until they were forced to but my wife went out of her way to avoid all of this type of stuff (any kind of paperwork).

John9:  I actually wanted to get things in order but needed my husband's cooperation. He kept agreeing with me but never got around to doing it. I should have just went ahead and did it myself. If someone were to ask me, I'd tell them to prepare a file in advance and title it "End of Life" and include everything in it they will need...funeral homes, Social Security numbers, last wishes, who to call (offices, like the SSA) and a list of what you will need...movers, rental trucks, storage, etc.. 

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tnd,

42 minutes ago, tnd said:

If someone were to ask me, I'd tell them to prepare a file in advance and title it "End of Life" and include everything in it they will need...funeral homes, Social Security numbers, last wishes, who to call (offices, like the SSA) and a list of what you will need...movers, rental trucks, storage, etc.. 

This is what I have tried to do for our son because he has never dealt with anything like a death before and doesn't know how, I have been trying to explain things a little at a time so as to not overwhelm him but I want him to be prepared because it IS going to happen at some point to all of us. I actually went ahead and prepaid for my funeral because I saw how hard it was for him at both his Mother's and Grandma's time to "purchase" now all he will have to do is the legal identify my body part and hope all of the T's are crossed and the I's are dotted. I hate that I had to think about this and that our son will have to go through this but he is young and will get through it better than I am doing. At the very least he won't be scrambling to figure out how to pay for it. I told him to make sure if he needs help to ask for help because it will be a lot of things out of the ordinary and it will be confusing. I tried today to contact 2 places about bills from MIL and felt like I was already hitting a brick wall, the left hand/right hand problem, nobody knows what I am talking about so I have to "wait" again.

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5 minutes ago, John9 said:

At the very least he won't be scrambling to figure out how to pay for it. I told him to make sure if he needs help to ask for help because it will be a lot of things out of the ordinary and it will be confusing.

John9:  You're a good dad, John. Your son will be thankful for what you did. I want to donate my body to the med students here like my mother did. They study and practice and then when they are finished, they cremate the remains, along with other "donors" and hold a funeral at there own cemetery over at the med school. It's in a park setting and very proper, even play bagpipes and have the students speak. Then the cremains are buried and the students help to maintain the site. Unless a family wants the cremains, it is all done free of charge. My mother and I had discussed years in advance before she passed and both agreed. And sure enough, when the time came, all I had to do was call the med school and they came to the hospital and handled everything. So that is what I want to do. But my husband wasn't quite on board with it. He didn't like the thought of me being "practiced" on by students. Oh well. I still want to do it. His cremation unfortunately had to be paid by his parents. I don't want to cost anyone anything and even better, I'd like to know while I'm still alive that I will be helping future doctors save lives. They say there are never enough cadavers for the students. This would be my way of giving. And no one will have to pay anything or wonder what to do with my body. 

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20 minutes ago, John9 said:

I tried today to contact 2 places about bills from MIL and felt like I was already hitting a brick wall, the left hand/right hand problem, nobody knows what I am talking about so I have to "wait" again.

John9:  I hate being in a holding pattern. Every day "I wait". And wait and wait and wait...Nobody seems to understand the frustration. And I can't get a place without knowing if my benefits are approved or not and for how much. Meanwhile, I almost feel like I am wearing out my welcome here. I hate being in this position. Absolutely hate it. 

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tnd,

It is good to want to help the future Doctors, all I can say is try to find out what might be needed to make it all "legal" especially since your Brother might end up involved. I only say that because I have issues in Michigan trying to fulfill my friends wishes because there was a "rule" change and I had to go through probate court for it to happen. I don't know if Texas is as "dumb" as we are. All I am saying is try to get it all legal so your wishes are fulfilled. This is just me stating that sometimes things can go wrong and it needs to be documented.

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17 hours ago, tnd said:

inflammation loves stress

Yes, and avoid seed oils, canola, vegetable oil, etc. Stick to olive, avocado, or coconut oil.  Seed oils feed inflammation.  The hospital doctor made a note about how I have way more arthritis than others my age, yeah, that's what happens with 8 dog bites, a very strong yank, and a botched surgery for it!  It's not just from natural old age, but repeated injuries.

16 hours ago, tnd said:

He kept agreeing with me but never got around to doing it.

My sister is the world's worst procrastinator and stubborn as all get out!  I refuse to be responsible for her neglected affairs.  BTW, my BP was 220/91 at the hospital following the stress/shock of the bite/pain, but this morning it's 113/59!  I'll take it.

15 hours ago, John9 said:

This is what I have tried to do for our son because he has never dealt with anything like a death before and doesn't know how, I have been trying to explain things a little at a time so as to not overwhelm him but I want him to be prepared because it IS going to happen at some point to all of us.

You're such a good dad.

15 hours ago, John9 said:

I tried today to contact 2 places about bills from MIL and felt like I was already hitting a brick wall, the left hand/right hand problem, nobody knows what I am talking about so I have to "wait" again.

The hospital contacted my former doctor instead of my current one, in spite of giving them my ins. card that NAMES him!  I had to make three calls to them to try to get them to correct it.  The first girl wasn't listening so I told her so and hung up.  Not interested in repeating myself to someone who can't bother to listen.

Gosh John, it's hard enough dealing with stuff, without dealing with them botching things and your having to straighten it out!  :(

15 hours ago, tnd said:

I almost feel like I am wearing out my welcome here. I hate being in this position.

:wub:  I know.  Tell yourself it's temporary, rinse, repeat. You haven't been there that long yet.  I doubt you've worn out your welcome, we just FEEL that way because we want to be self-sufficient.  I felt like that during the evacuation but it wasn't anything they did, it was just my own feelings.  My sister, on the other hand, would never feel that way, she has entitlement attitude.

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KayC,

When I called about one of the bills they told me YES we have a contact person and proceeded to say my wife's name and I said no that she had died in March and then she said to call a different number, I called and they said they have no information and to wait until....All I was trying to do was let them know I have to wait for the probate to pay so they don't hound me for payment. But nobody seems to care until they call about it and I have to say read your notes (if they did their job) which probably didn't happen.

The injuries/arthritis is a big problem as it is a cause and effect situation. I know from myself and my wife and since she was a pet groomer she received many injuries through the years and it was causing her issues. Carpal tunnel, arthritis. scarring etc. which is how I knew about the compression gloves I had mentioned to you before. My wife was having trouble sometimes closing her hand due to so many injuries but she still went to work and did her job.

 

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Why is it that every other day is a bad one? One day I don't cry as much or feel as frustrated but the next I'm a mess. It's practically become predictable. I had a fairly okay day yesterday but by the time I got to bed I couldn't sleep and got to missing my husband so much. I think or hear the word "gone" and the tears begin. Just a word makes me cry! 

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tnd,

I have wondered something along these lines myself, I woke up too early this morning and forced myself to stay in bed but then I had to force myself to get up too. I haven't had a day yet that I haven't cried repeatedly throughout the day and waking up and going to bed too. I don't know what the triggers are for me because something today may not tomorrow even though I expect it to. Her name will usually do it for me in any conversation I have and when saying something that I miss about always does it. This is why I say I am worn out and beat down and other statements because it just doesn't seem to end for me.

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5 minutes ago, John9 said:

Her name will usually do it for me in any conversation I have and when saying something that I miss about always does it. This is why I say I am worn out and beat down and other statements because it just doesn't seem to end for me.

John9:  This happens to me too. That's why I say I feel like roadkill. I don't know how but I will have to figure out how to live without always breaking down because certain words don't stop being said just because it acts as a trigger or reminder to me. 

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Not sure what to do about this next situation...I have an opportunity and wonder if I should take it. Here goes...

None of my in-laws on my husband's side were ever very nice to me. His parents had divorced 40 years ago and remarried to other people and they all live in the same city and are in close contact with each other. They get into each other's business and gossip, it's like a big soap opera. His sister is especially wicked but really, right from the get go from the first time I met these people and over the years, none of them have been very nice. Not to me nor to each other. And they are a bunch of fakes and phonies.

In my husband's final months his parents were nice to me over the phone and his mother and her husband paid for the cremation. His ashes were sent to them to be divided up. I told them that when I was ready, they could send me a small amount, like I vial full. Well, the last I spoke to them they thought I was moving in with my brother. They do know about the falling out between me and my brother's wife and the possibility that I was not going to move in with them but I never called them back. They have no idea now where I am. So now I am wondering if I should even contact them. Or would that be too mean? Of course, that would mean I wouldn't get any of my husband's ashes but I wonder if having them would only further depress me. Could I live without his ashes? That's why I didn't want an urn full. I just don't want that. Anyways, I sort of look at this as an opportunity to be rid of my husband's family and all their BS. They really are not nice people. But they are in their 90's now so probably not going to be around much longer. However, if I contact just one of them I know they will tell everyone else in the family. And I especially do not want his sister knowing where I am or knowing anything about me. Do I just take the opportunity and never contact them or should I? 

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tnd,

This is a very personal decision, I know many people who have scattered the ashes and that was all they needed to do. I have my wife on her dresser in an urn and I have already ordered the same one for me and told my son to place me next to her. I would have the same issue about contacting people who were not nice and I don't want to know or tell anyone what is going on in my life because if I wanted them to know I would have told them. The problem I see is this may be the only chance you have to receive so of your husbands ashes. When we made the arrangements for all who died recently one point that was driven home was the "fingerprint" as there is only one chance to take it, you can't come back later and ask for it. I am saying that to you because this may be the only chance you have depending on how "nice" his family wants to be.

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On 9/28/2021 at 6:24 AM, John9 said:

Carpal tunnel, arthritis. scarring etc. which is how I knew about the compression gloves I had mentioned to you before.

After I heal I may just get some and see if it helps.  

 

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21 hours ago, John9 said:

The problem I see is this may be the only chance you have to receive so of your husbands ashes.

John9:  You're right. And I don't want to do (or not do) something I could regret. I'm going to think it over and perhaps after I get moved I will call them. 

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On 9/25/2021 at 9:19 AM, KayC said:

. . . I seem to get allergic to everything I love!  Now what do I do with $36 worth of unopened peanut butter!

Kodie says "more for me". 

Of course the food pantry loves to get peanut butter, a great protein food that needs no refrigeration.

 

 

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foreverhis,

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Always remember that you are not alone.

Thank you for the comments, sadly as much as I want to not be I AM ALONE. I can't have what I need and what I want so much and that is the companionship of my wife, the physical touch the sound of her voice the look in her eyes, everything. I know that this is not something we wanted but I HATE it and it is killing me it is just too slow in doing so. The unknown is and has always been just that, but with my wife beside me it was bearable and now the smallest things set me off and make me so angry and frustrated. I am trying to have a less negative attitude but it isn't easy because.....

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I know we don't have anyone here with us BUT it has meant the world to me to have discovered forums like this for my grief journey, a place to pour out my feelings and know I'm understood and not alone with what I'm experiencing.  This is a never ending journey, it may evolve, yes, but we feel the loss of them the rest of our lives and the things we experience in life seem to accentuate that.

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14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

All you can do right now is "ride the waves" as they come and remember that all your feelings are both valid and acceptable.

foreverhis: Thank you. What makes it even more difficult is being around people, especially if they don't know your up/down like this or if they don't understand. Fortunately, for the most part I think Francis and her family at least understands that I am grieving. But I don't know that they understand my illness and how it makes everything that much more harder for me. They haven't said anything but I'm sure they are wondering why I do or don't do things. And if I'm sad I go to my room to cry. Quietly. About every other day I struggle. 

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This forum/site has helped me a lot and I don't know what I would have done without the support from everyone here. I just try to write the things I feel and take the advice under consideration as it comes depending on the situation and the "day" or mood I am in at the moment. It is just so hard and it seems like it isn't any easier day to day. I tried to do something today that "we" did together and I didn't enjoy myself and I should have just never left the house and will probably not do it anymore because alone it wasn't good. I know if I am to survive I need to make changes but there are just too many things we did together that I am unable to do. The mental drain as well as the physical aspects are what is dragging me down and without any light at the end of the tunnel.....

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foreverhis
8 hours ago, John9 said:

I am trying to have a less negative attitude but it isn't easy because.....

Of course you have a negative attitude now!  Why wouldn't you?  When you say your wife was everything, I do understand.  My husband was my everything; my username is not hyperbole.  I didn't think I could possibly go on without him and, to be honest, there are still days when I feel that way.  I wondered just how much pain my heart, mind, and body could take before my grief actually killed me--which I would not have minded in the least.  As I "bargained" and begged for him to live and be well, so I bargained and begged for me to not have to go on.

That you are down in what many refer to as "the dark pit" is not surprising, not at all.

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Valerie Lockhart

Dear tnt,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I don't know how old you are, but you may want to reach out to the Area Agencies on Aging in Texas (AAA) at 1-800-252-9240 for help, until your benefits arrive. They assist individuals that are 60 years and older. Perhaps, they can assist you with transportation, food, care coordination and legal services to help you obtain your benefits. They also assist with other items. The best source of help comes through prayer. If we pour out our heart to God when we are in emotional turmoil, our heart will be soothed and we will lean on Jehovah instead of ourselves.—Psalm 62:8. The Hearer of prayer has not changed. He delights in the prayers of worshippers. Those who place their faith and trust in him may have this confidence: “No matter what it is that we ask according to his will, he hears us.”—1 John 5:14. So, pour out your heart to God, and listen for the answer.

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foreverhis,

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

That you are down in what many refer to as "the dark pit" is not surprising, not at all.

I thank you for the comments and the reassuring "thought" that I am NORMAL. I feel anything but and that dark pit you speak of is terrible and I know I shouldn't do what I do and I do try to not go there but it just happens. I am just so lost without her and I am nothing without her because she was the only "thing" that kept me going for 35 years and to have that ripped away makes it so hard to even want to go on. I really do have to force myself to get up everyday now and without any kind of a future with my loving wife what is the point. I have attempted to create some sort of new routine but it is so painful because no matter what I do she is "there" in my mind and it makes it hurt so much worse. The memories are a double-edged sword because no matter how happy they are I am saddened by the fact my loving wife isn't here anymore. It is Friday and the cycle starts all over again because it should be three days with each other to do whatever we want or need to do and since her Mother died it should be stress free too. The levels of stress are not as they were but they are still there just directed to other things now.

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18 hours ago, John9 said:

will probably not do it anymore because alone it wasn't good.

Keeping in mind that how it hits us can change from one year to the next...again, just listening to our inner selves as to what brings us comfort in the moment...and what does not.

14 hours ago, Valerie Lockhart said:

They assist individuals that are 60 years and older

She is 57.

 

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KayC,

Thank you and I understand the comment. IF I really listen to myself right now I wouldn't get out of bed. I can't be that person I have to keep trying as long as I have to be here but this isn't easy and I know nobody ever said that life was easy. There is a saying something about life isn't for wimps and I can't attest to that.

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Very very bad day here for me. Received forms from the Soc Sec Admin to complete. I called, only to find out that they need me to complete some forms concerning my disability portion of the Widows Benefits. These benefits are for those 50 and older with a disability. Since I am not 60 (I'm 57), I don't qualify for Survivors Benefits so they told me to apply for Widows Benefits. Well, after waiting nearly 4 months for an answer, they just now sent me forms to complete AND told me they have not received any forms back from my doctors. So...I called my doctors, only to find out they never got any forms to complete. So I left a message with my case worker at the SSA to email the forms to me so I can fax them to my doctors or have Francis take them to my doctors. They all know that my husband has passed and that I have no income and am homeless. This is what I get for starting work and up until about 10 years ago when I was laid off and became a housewife, paying into the system since the age of 12.  And why are so many people homeless?? How many have given up? 

 

 

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tnd,

I am so sorry that you are having these issues, but sadly it doesn't really shock or surprise me. I believe I had mentioned that there should be a better system for these types of situations because what is happening to you can't be all that unusual. As we have discovered nothing gets done unless the paperwork is done and it seems like nobody ever follows up to see if anything was done. It seems like you were put into "the pile" and now someone is actually doing something that they could have started months ago. This is another example of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. WHY didn't the case worker follow up on you? It is like nobody cares about anyone but themselves even to the point of not doing the job that they are hired to do. It is just another thing that makes no sense to me. Sadly this is why Attorneys advertise on Television that they can help in dealing with Social Security issues (for a large fee). None of us know how to handle this because it isn't the usual or normal claim which is why it should have a "faster" channel. This is just me "venting" as an observer who is unable to help you with this trouble. I hope that somehow this rattles someones "cage" to do something.

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9 minutes ago, John9 said:

Sadly this is why Attorneys advertise on Television that they can help in dealing with Social Security issues (for a large fee). None of us know how to handle this because it isn't the usual or normal claim which is why it should have a "faster" channel. This is just me "venting" as an observer who is unable to help you with this trouble. I hope that somehow this rattles someones "cage" to do something.

John9:  My doctor will be out for a week and some assistant just kept repeating that it will be up to him as to whether or not he wants to complete the forms. Hard to believe that all of these people have such power over your life. I'm in shambles today. No sleep last night and then had to deal with this today. Francis helped me, I even had a hard time dialing the phone because my hands shake so much. If these people could see me they'd take one look and know I am ill and disabled. But no...gotta prove it through doctor forms and tests and crap. I honestly do not know how much more I can take. I'm sure you know what I am wishing for....but I don't want to think that way. I want to enjoy life again but because I no longer have much say over my own life, just along for the ride, I'm being made to endure more anguish and pain. 

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31 minutes ago, tnd said:

My doctor will be out for a week and some assistant just kept repeating that it will be up to him as to whether or not he wants to complete the forms. Hard to believe that all of these people have such power over your life.

tnd,

I completely understand what you said and most Doctors hate being put under extra paperwork with no compensation, even though it is part of the rules. The "good" sister just told me today that she isn't getting "paid" for short-term disability until her paperwork is filled out and the Doctors aren't in agreement, one says she can go back to work and one says no. :unsure: In the meantime she is stuck in the middle not quite like you but still stuck waiting. I have said all of these problems won't be addressed because it isn't involving anyone but "us" and if someone hasn't experienced these issues they don't understand it. This applies to so many problems but the solution just doesn't happen because.....

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24 minutes ago, John9 said:

I have said all of these problems won't be addressed because it isn't involving anyone but "us" and if someone hasn't experienced these issues they don't understand it. This applies to so many problems but the solution just doesn't happen because.....

John9:  It's the same problem where our grief is concerned. People don't get it unless they've experienced it for themselves. Sure, they can say a lot of things that THEY think should be said but very few if any actually say (or do) what we really need. Guess I should be glad to be able to retreat to my room to rest or fall apart. Don't know how other people cope who are unable to do that. I want out from under this stress. I want my husband back. I want my life back. But I am not going to get any of it back. If my quality of life doesn't improve soon then I don't know that I can continue. I mean, what would be the point just to wake up and be treated like trash every day?   

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tnd,

I want out of this stressful situation as well, but I am not in charge of the way things unfold or fall apart. I do try my hardest to do everything I have or need to do but I understand the feeling like you are treated as trash or less than "them". I don't want to be so sad but I really just want it to end, I want to go to bed and not wake up to have to do it all over again all alone "forever". My whole body aches from crying all the time, whatever hormonal issues are going on they are not helping me to process and are keeping me tired and as you put it feeling like roadkill. I can't even say it is a roller-coaster ride because I don't really feel up just down like I am in a dark tunnel waiting for the bright light at the end.

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4 minutes ago, John9 said:

I don't really feel up just down like I am in a dark tunnel waiting for the bright light at the end.

John9:  It's hard to keep my chin up to even look for any light now. It's as if it is dimming. I wonder if it's a message. I keep trying and going and going but I wonder if I'm not suppose to. Do you ever feel that way? It's almost like the more I try, the worse things get. 

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tnd,

I do in fact feel like I am swimming in quicksand or mud. I have said 1 step forward 2 steps back and all of those analogies but yes I just feel like the more I do the more I don't (get anywhere). The light I was referencing was the end of life and going to it. Sorry if it sounds morbid or morose but that is where I am. I do not want to bring any thoughts to anyone I am just speaking from my broken heart and brain and I would like the pain to end and it is worse than ever.

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4 hours ago, John9 said:

The light I was referencing was the end of life and going to it. Sorry if it sounds morbid or morose but that is where I am. I do not want to bring any thoughts to anyone I am just speaking from my broken heart and brain and I would like the pain to end and it is worse than ever.

John9:  The light I was referring to was light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see that light because things seem so hopeless. I wish I were in fact seeing "the other" light and going to it because that would mean I am going to have peace. But no matter what light we referenced, neither one of us is having any peace. Interesting and of course, most unfortunate that you mention that the pain is worse than ever. Again, that's how I feel. And I can't rest. I'm too broke up over losing my husband and too stressed out over losing the life I had. And now I'm fighting for the very basics. I ask myself "What's the point?" I don't want to go through all this only to end up where I started out and do it again. I don't want "to do" life twice.

Someone once asked me if I believed in reincarnation. I said no because I felt that once on this earth is enough. I was being sarcastic but now that's really how I feel. I want to be gone if I can't have even a smidgeon of the life I had. And why do I have to fight for what is rightfully mine? Why must my life depend on other people (doctors) filling out forms and why must I fill out forms and have to submit to tests? And someone else gets to decide whether or not I am "eligible" to be given what I was already forced to pay for so many years. And even if my Widows Benefits are approved, it won't bring back my husband. So I am going through all this nonsense only to still be without him. I've got so much swirling around in my head now that I question if it is even worth it anymore. Seems my original plan before I left my apartment may have been better. Damn brother and SIL...

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8 hours ago, tnd said:

Someone once asked me if I believed in reincarnation. I said no because I felt that once on this earth is enough.

tnd,

I basically said the same thing, I think some believe we keep doing it UNTIL we get it right. What I know was I thought it was right with my loving wife and losing her is so wrong but I don't want to do this again and again and if it is real then maybe I have already said and done this who knows. I am just so tired of all of this and all of the nothing being done that is supposed to be done. I am crying as I write this because it is a Saturday and I miss her so much and I just want peace and to be with her if I am allowed to be and if not I just want it over with. I have been talking to my loving wife but I haven't seen any signs lately and I am feeling sadder once again. I know that sounds wrong to say because how do you get sadder than the already lowest point but it is happening and that is why I reference each day being worse.

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15 hours ago, tnd said:

My doctor will be out for a week and some assistant just kept repeating that it will be up to him as to whether or not he wants to complete the forms.

If he will NOT do it, try to find another doctor asap that WILL!  I hate that you'd have to start over again but you aren't making progress waiting on this turd!  I hope you TELL them you are without any income/home until he DOES!!  It's EMERGENT!  I have no use for people so uncaring they won't do their job. :angry:

8 hours ago, tnd said:

Damn brother and SIL...

Yes, yet I can't help but feel you escaped a worse fate.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

If he will NOT do it, try to find another doctor asap that WILL!  I hate that you'd have to start over again

KayC:  I think my doctor will complete the forms. It was his assistant (not one I've met before) who kept saying it will be up to him as to whether or not he wants to complete the forms. I don't think he'd do that to me. But I am either going to fax the forms to him or Francis will take me to his office. Can't believe that all this time he never had them. And if I have to, I will go to the SSA office in-person and they can see my disability "in all it's glory". 

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Not that I want to dwell on this but, it's been more than month since my brother told me to either go to a hospital (mental ward) or go live out on the street (he really did say that). I find it weird and even hurtful that he hasn't even emailed to ask where I am or where I ended up. Not that I'd reply to him but I guess he's not even thinking about me or what he told me. Never imagined he'd be so cold. That's not normal for him and that sort of bothers me. Wonder what makes a person turn like that and be somebody so different from who they were.  

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tnd,

5 minutes ago, tnd said:

Wonder what makes a person turn like that and be somebody so different from who they were.  

From my experiences it is influences, someone "planting" the seed of mistrust or whatever term you would like to use. I have "lost" many people in my life due to these things and when the communication is gone no amount of "talking" will help. I can't say why people are the way they are except I have said before I blame"anti-social" media. The misinformation is too easily spread and once out can't be controlled. I may not be correct but I'm not wrong. In the past a person had to "lie" to one person at a time now they can post something and off it goes and even IF they said they were wrong it is out there. There is a saying about once something is released you can't put the genie back in the bottle.

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8 minutes ago, John9 said:

From my experiences it is influences, someone "planting" the seed of mistrust or whatever term you would like to use. I have "lost" many people in my life due to these things and when the communication is gone no amount of "talking" will help.

John9:  I think in my case, it's my SIL influencing my brother. Years back someone told me he was having a hard time keeping his marriage together. He never told me that but I did know he wasn't exactly happy with her. He confided in me but only a little about it. Now I wonder if he's afraid of her, afraid that if he doesn't side with her on everything she will divorce him and soak him for everything he's got. And he does have a lot. And a lot of bills to pay for... custom built house on acreage, several vehicles for himself, her and his boys and a lot of expensive toys (tractors, machinery, stuff like that). One little burp in his income and they will be in trouble. And when I was still talking to them, it was as if they weren't talking to each other. I got a lot of "he said/she said" as if they hadn't talked. I wonder if they even still live in the same house. It was all very weird. And then for him to tell me what he told me, especially thinking that I had a mental illness or could go live on the street, it was as if he was a parent scolding a child. He's never been like that. At least not with me he hasn't. It's like he has completely flipped and turned into another person. It does sort of hurt that he hasn't tried to email me to see where I am or how I am doing but then again, I shouldn't expect somebody like him (the way he is now) to wonder about me anymore. Just another loss I am dealing with. A little grief with it. 

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tnd,

I have known many people in the situation that you describe about your brother, both the financial and the "relationship" part. It rarely ends well for both parties and the longer it goes on the worse it is for everyone (the kids). I am just speaking in general terms from my own experiences. My loving wife and I made sure that we were never overextended because both of us had seen the financial hardships when we were being brought up in our "alcoholic" households and wanted to make sure our son was never subjected to any of that. We tried to do our best and be our best and still there are just things you can't control, like the death of a spouse or the reactions of "family" to events or such.
 

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