Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life

[KayC]

I'm beyond relieved!  I had my church pray for you yesterday!  Am so glad your oxygen level is in the 90s.  You mean the world to us.

[John9]

tnd,

I too am glad that your oxygen levels are higher and hopefully you are getting over whatever was going on.

[Jennifer Uren]

So relieved you’re getting better. Keep resting.

[Sparky1]

tnd, I am so glad and relieved you are okay. The first thing I've been doing on this forum is checking for any posts from you, telling us you're okay.

[steveb]

tnd, so glad you let us know that you are getting better!  Focus on yourself.  
 

More hugs and prayers heading your way:). Steve

[KayC]

Praying for you to get to feeling better.  

[foreverhis]

@tnd I too am so relieved to hear from you and to know that your O2 levels have improved.

Rest, build your strength, and know we are all here for you. 

[tnd]

The head is alive, the head is alive!!  lol  Sorry, folks, felt like being goofy. Sorry, too for being MIA. That fever I had (I think week before last) really set me back. But I'm okay. My oxygen levels are up and seem to be stable now. They were all over the map and when my level went low, it went scary low. I once hit 40 during a medical procedure in the hospital and stopped breathing andhad  to be put on a ventillator. Well, the other day when my portable machine died in the car, it dropped to 61. Poor Frances, she stopped at a red light but when she saw there was no traffic, she gunned it. I remember trying to answer her questions and only gobbly-goop came out. Tried again and more gobbly-goop. Was like being drunk, real drunk. Only without the laughing. We made it home to my other machine. Few days later, I dropped to 58. I don't know how long I had been at 58 but it quickly came up after scaring me. But that's been the problem. Up, down, up, down. 

They say you shouldn't lie in bed for too long and that's true but....I had a theory. I knew it would take time but I believe it worked. As long as sat or laid down real still, my oxygen level would rise. I didn't do a thing for several days, hoping the higher O2 levels would "oxygenate" my body and give me strength. And it did. Once O2 was circulated thru my body many, many times, it woke everything up. Yesterday and today I have stayed mostly in the 90's and that gives me reason to smile. Now I have to get back on-track and back to the business of living. Tomorrow I may take a walk. Kind of depends on the cedar tree pollen in the air.  That has always been the worst for me and especially now. But the pollen count is down so I may attempt a very short 5 minute walk. Fran's other adult son is here and he is a big help so he can go with me. 

Sorry for the scare and I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I see I have a lot of catching up to do! 

By the way, my lung doc said something like "everyone grieves in their own way but also grieves in their own time". Hhmm..maybe since Covid they are starting to teach doctors about grief. My doctor works in a big clinic of lung doctors and they also do critical care at the hospitals. His words were so comforting. We also had a good talk about my future, not all bad. I'll share with you another time tho. Bless you all and thank you so very much for your generous support and well wishes. 

tnd 

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

So very glad you are doing so much better!

Thanks for the update. 

Gail

[John9]

16 minutes ago, tnd said:

By the way, my lung doc said something like "everyone grieves in their own way but also grieves in their own time". Hhmm..maybe since Covid they are starting to teach doctors about grief.

tnd,

I am very glad you seem to be doing well. The comment you quoted from your Doctor I believe is accurate, but I am no expert on anything. I think you may be right about Doctors and grief, maybe not teaching but they are seeing more deaths from Covid and people are in PAIN from it as we are. It may be more of the unexpected deaths that they are seeing and how the grieving family wasn't prepared. I know that is still one of my biggest issues and I am coming up on a year in March.

[Ken57]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

The head is alive, the head is alive!!  lol  Sorry, folks, felt like being goofy. Sorry, too for being MIA. That fever I had (I think week before last) really set me back. But I'm okay. My oxygen levels are up and seem to be stable now. They were all over the map and when my level went low, it went scary low. I once hit 40 during a medical procedure in the hospital and stopped breathing andhad  to be put on a ventillator. Well, the other day when my portable machine died in the car, it dropped to 61. Poor Frances, she stopped at a red light but when she saw there was no traffic, she gunned it. I remember trying to answer her questions and only gobbly-goop came out. Tried again and more gobbly-goop. Was like being drunk, real drunk. Only without the laughing. We made it home to my other machine. Few days later, I dropped to 58. I don't know how long I had been at 58 but it quickly came up after scaring me. But that's been the problem. Up, down, up, down. 

They say you shouldn't lie in bed for too long and that's true but....I had a theory. I knew it would take time but I believe it worked. As long as sat or laid down real still, my oxygen level would rise. I didn't do a thing for several days, hoping the higher O2 levels would "oxygenate" my body and give me strength. And it did. Once O2 was circulated thru my body many, many times, it woke everything up. Yesterday and today I have stayed mostly in the 90's and that gives me reason to smile. Now I have to get back on-track and back to the business of living. Tomorrow I may take a walk. Kind of depends on the cedar tree pollen in the air.  That has always been the worst for me and especially now. But the pollen count is down so I may attempt a very short 5 minute walk. Fran's other adult son is here and he is a big help so he can go with me. 

Sorry for the scare and I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I see I have a lot of catching up to do! 

By the way, my lung doc said something like "everyone grieves in their own way but also grieves in their own time". Hhmm..maybe since Covid they are starting to teach doctors about grief. My doctor works in a big clinic of lung doctors and they also do critical care at the hospitals. His words were so comforting. We also had a good talk about my future, not all bad. I'll share with you another time tho. Bless you all and thank you so very much for your generous support and well wishes. 

tnd 

@tndif you feel out of breath we were taught to blow out of our mouth to get the oxygen saturation level up faster. Best wishes to get the pneumonia in the lungs cleared, presume that is what is causing this.

[KayC]

We are glad you are doing better, best to tend yourself first, esp. when your oxygen was so low, it was right that you prioritized getting it up!

One can only hope you're right about doctors/grief in covid times.

[tnd]

On 1/25/2022 at 8:52 PM, Ken57 said:

Best wishes to get the pneumonia in the lungs cleared, presume that is what is causing this.

Ken57:  Thank you for the well-wishes. I didn't have pneumonia, more like a sinus infection brought on by a high concentration of cedar pollen in the air. This is always the worst time for me and now with a lung problem, a scary problem. But the cedar count has gone down and I'm breathing better. Finally!   

[tnd]

The cedar pollen is lower now but the air is still cold and dry outside. I decided against going out for a walk. I'm in no rush to push my luck right now. But I have been up and about a little more and...enjoying a little sleep! Sort of. Keep waking myself up with talking in my sleep. Very bizarre. Hope no one hears me. I have no idea what I say other than I'm talking when I wake up. But now that my O2 level is up I am sleeping close to 3-4 hours. It's hard but when I feel like crying over my husband I try to avoid it right now. My nose gets all stuffed up when I cry and I just finished a round of antibiotics for a sinus infection. I'd thought I had cried myself out but tears still come. I miss him so much. I know when I struggle to breath he'd be comforting me if he could. Sometimes I still start conversations with him but stop myself because it most always ends in tears. Maybe once I get my own place I will have "coffee in the mornings" with him but right now I've got to get back on track and breath!  

I know all this has sounded depressing and it is but, for every little thing I can do for myself, including taking a somewhat normal (and quiet) breath, means success to me. I've come to realize that I must look at everything completely different now. I hate to say "this is the new me versus the old me" but I do feel as though I've changed. Even my personality. Maybe it was the fever..??  But what I am getting at, is that I have a different view on life and new priorities. For instance, something I think we all take for granted...bathing. I have to use a shower chair but am able to stand most of the time. I may not lather up like I used to but if there is at least a little soap and water involved in the process, then I am good to go. It's a success. If I did one load of laundry and not the two I had hoped to do, it's a success. Never mind if it doesn't get folded. I've been putting it inside a pillow case and then tossing it down the hallway, which proved to be easier than carrying it while also carrying a wadded up 50 foot line of oxygen tubing. Now I have me a little pop-up hamper with handles and will try to pull it with some rope behind me. I got the idea from once seeing a man in a wheelchair pulling a small child's wagon at a grocery store. He was doing his own shopping and I made note of his "method". Anyways, I am having to think about things I never had to before. But that's okay. I accept this. But when I can't get enough oxygen that is when I feel stuck. So for as long as I can breath on my own, I know I will do okay. Just gotta figure out new ways to do things. I am not the same person. Parts of me are but my life is changing and I've got to either change with it or risk being left out of it. I still have plans to honor my husband and be his hero. That will come into play a bit later, though. Right now I've got to make sure I can breathe and do what I think I need to do to get there. Like grief, I've got to learn to accept it. 

[John9]

tnd,

I am glad you are doing better, and that you are figuring out new ways to accomplish what you need to do. I know that when you are finally in your own place that will be very important. I hope you get stronger and the pollen doesn't slow down the recovery. I am still hoping for you to get out of there and into your own space so you can enjoy your own routine without wondering or worrying about what others think or do. Keep up the positive progress and you will make it to be your Husbands hero as you say.

[tnd]

6 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am still hoping for you to get out of there and into your own space

John9:  Thanks, John for the kind words. Due to a long waiting list, it will be a while before I get my own place so I've got to hunker down and accept it. It was in the news that Californians and New Yorkers are flooding into Texas, driving up the prices and causing a major housing crunch. There is absolutely no affordable housing here now. The one and only place I can afford has a 6-8 month waiting list. They aren't even taking applications right now. So I guess I will just have to stay put and accept it. We haven't necessarily talked about it but I've been paying for groceries every week for Fran and family as well as for myself. I lost more weight but didn't have an appetite. Now I do! And it's going a little better ...me having food when I need some. 

I've been thinking about the New Year and well, I decided not to. Or at least not too deeply. No matter who you are, Covid has had an impact on all of us. Everywhere. Couple that with our own personal grief and troubles and it's majorly depressing. I can't stand that. So, I am trying to look at things differently now and part of doing that is seeing what I could call a "success" or "good". My husband being gone is "not good" but having my memories are. There is nothing to see when I think of him being gone but a lot to see and to remember when I think of his smiling face. Empty versus full. Being married to him was fulfilling. And everlasting. Don't know what I will do with myself. Suppose I will figure it out. I've got plenty of time on my hands! 

Take care! 

 

[John9]

tnd,

Yes, Covid has affected us and sadly will for many more years, prices, shortages and in my case legal delays all because of Covid. Add to that the fact that people are burned out in their jobs and quitting and the ones still working are over worked and stressed and it just keeps going. I have posted on the other topics about some of my issues in regards to those matters. I know we have discussed that it will help to try to be positive but it is hard sometimes to be positive. It sounds like you are doing better than I am in that regards and I am glad for that.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, tnd said:

Just gotta figure out new ways to do things.

This is what I've had to do as I get older and can no longer do what I used to.  Sometimes have to be creative.  Before my hand surgery as my wiggly little puppy was jiggling all around as I tried with both hands to attach his leash somewhere in the thick mane of fur, I finally got the thought to hook a carabiner to his collar, it hangs down and gives me something to stab for!  With practice I could finally do it one handed, I've left it on, so much easier!  Now if I could figure out how to open jars!  I've bought all kinds of jar openers and they don't work.  I still find hitting them all the way around on top and then getting something gripping to hold them while I try to turn it works the best...most of the time.

I love your idea about how to get the clothes down the hall!  See, you're ingenious!  My sister couldn't live w/o her walker, she carries everything in it!

[tnd]

Sunday Update: 

Hello, everyone! My O2 levels are fine now but I still need to get my head on straight. Don't know if this is just another part of grief I have to deal with but I feel blah and uninterested in things. Haven't even watched any tv in a couple weeks. I sleep in 2-3 hour increments but at least getting better quality. Of course I am down about a lot of things but nothing new. Anyways, I may go "dark" again for a while but PLEASE don't worry! I am O.K.  I will try to come back and start replying/posting again soon, just need to get my act together first. Thanks for understanding (because I know you guys do). 

Blessings, 

tnd 

[tnd]

Hello, all. Thought I'd try a little posting tonite. My eyes are really blurry and watery so it's hard to see to read or type. I wear glasses but not for the computer, altho maybe my next pair should be. 

I think I am finally starting to do better. At least my O2 levels are up and stable. Now it is me that needs to be up and stable. I'm all weak and wobbly right now. Would love to be able to start taking short 5 minute walks outside. Darn "artic blast" blew into Texas so we have temps in the 20's. No thanks, I'll skip the walks. And still no backup O2 tank! They were suppose to deliver one today but noooo.....the weather and a shortage of drivers AND tanks (thanks Covid) screwed everything up. Now I have to wait until NEXT Thursday. If they didn't have a legit excuse I'd say this is unacceptable but there is actually a shortage of drivers and oxygen tanks right now. I just pray the power doesn't go out. Fran's husband went and bought a generator that I think runs of propane. Pray we will not need it. 

I will try to post more tomorrow but this is it for now. Gotta try to read and catch up on new posts. Either that or I'm going to have a snack and call it a night. Later....

 

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

So glad you are feeling better. Fingers crossed that you will get your backup O2 soon.

Gail

[tnd]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Fingers crossed that you will get your backup O2 soon.

Gail 8588:   I think they need to take a hard look at their distribution and logistics center. Sure, icy roads impacts everybody but the shortage of oxygen tanks? You'd think that they know how many existing customers they have and where they are at before taking on any new patients because of Covid. As for the shortage of drivers, pay your existing drivers overtime and bonuses and rework your hiring practices. Perhaps offer better pay and incentives. Having oxygen is critical for some of us. I don't know but if I have been given any sort of priority then this company sucks more than I thought. Might have to get with my insurance company and ask for their help, perhaps switching to another oxygen supplier. 

[KayC]

Can someone pick one up from them for you?  This is unacceptable!  Like you're forced to play a game of Russian Roulette!  Yes, I'd contact my insurance company and doctor!

[tnd]

On 2/5/2022 at 10:19 AM, KayC said:

Can someone pick one up from them for you? 

KayC:  Yes, Fran said she'd go pick it up if they can't deliver. But now it sounds like they didn't even get a shipment of tanks in. I really really hope I won't have to switch suppliers. So far the weather is holding and we have power at the house. 

When I get my own place (whenever that will be) I will have Fran bring over the big replacement tank in her truck and only notify the supplier of my new address. I had given up the tank(s) that I had because I thought I was moving out of state to my brothers. When that didn't happen, I held off on having the supplier bring me a backup here at Fran's. I didn't think I'd be here very long....it's now going on 6 months! And probably another 6 because of a waiting list at the apartment! 

Lesson learned:  Let go of cold rude people in your life (brother and SIL) but NEVER let go of a good oxygen tank!  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

Lesson learned:  Let go of cold rude people in your life (brother and SIL) but NEVER let go of a good oxygen tank!  

This brought me a smile!  Noted!

[tnd]

On 2/7/2022 at 9:18 AM, KayC said:

This brought me a smile!  Noted!

KayC:   A backup tank was finally delivered to me today. No more anxiety over THAT!  If/when it runs out during an emergency, a local fire station can come fill it. That's what they did for people last year during the Winter Storm.Apocalypse. I don't know what they did for those who didn't have tanks. Anyways, I'm keeping this baby!  

[tnd]

Either the house is shrinking or it really has gotten crowded. Both of Fran's adult son's live here now and the girlfriend of one. All in all, there are 6 adults and for 3-4 nites a week, 5 young children including a baby. And then there are the animals indoors, which include 2 dogs and 4 cats, 2 of which are mine and stay in my room.

Makes me a bit nervous because of the fever we caught a few weeks ago. I pray nothing else breaks out. Aside from using the bathroom down the hall, I stay in my room. But I babysit one of Fran's 5 year old granddaughters a couple times a week. She stays with me in the room from 6am to 6pm or until Fran gets home from work. Kids especially make me nervous because they haven't yet learned to wash their hands and to not put things in their mouths. 

Fran is not happy about both of her sons living here but surprisingly, she's been in a fairly good mood. And at least I have not been on her S**it list. From observing but also being told, this family has gone through some terrible, terrible tragedies in the past. This could explain the tension between everyone. It might also explain why some act as if they are bipolar or schizophrenic and I am not joking about that. Others are smoking marijuana and maybe doing/still doing hard drugs like heroin and meth. Not joking about that either. 

Because of a long waiting list, I could be here a good while and don't want to be. I try to keep my "eye on the prize" and think about my new place. In my mind, I've already arranged the furniture and now daydream of recipes and what I might try to cook. But then I get irritable and have to think of something else and there is nothing else. No matter what, it always comes back to my missing my husband. I try not to cry but sometimes just cannot help it. I want him back. 

I don't know where I read this other than I saw it while surfing the net and it made sense to me. It said something like "grief is love with nowhere to go". I'd say that's about right because I do still very much love my husband and yet I am loving someone who cannot come back to me. This love I have needs to go somewhere, I need to be able to do something with it and I don't know what tho. That's why I think I have to carry my grief with me as I try to move forward. That's why I bring up my husband in conversations...like "oh, my husband liked this or used to do that..". I try to spare people from my sadness when talking about him. He is still very much a part of me. I can't deny it. To deny it I think would be like denying apples grow on trees. Of course they do. Love and marriage exist too. Just have to figure out what to do with it in it's present form. Grief is love with  nowhere to go....

 

 

[John9]

9 minutes ago, tnd said:

Grief is love with  nowhere to go....

tnd,

I agree that talking about my loving wife and not making others sad is hard, but I have to talk about her. I will always LOVE her and I will always MISS her and it is not getting any easier for me. I have quoted the TV show WandaVision in regards to grief, and that is "What is grief if not Love persevering" and also risk love is to risk loss. I can't stop my pain and I am just doing all I can do to survive.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

I agree that talking about my loving wife and not making others sad is hard, but I have to talk about her.

 

5 hours ago, John9 said:

I can't stop my pain and I am just doing all I can do to survive.

John9:   Anymore I feel as tho I am just existing. That is why I have started mentioning things about my husband in casual conversation. I don't want to depress people but rather, show that I am still connected to him in and in positive ways. That is partly what is keeping me alive right now. I want to be able to talk about him without people fearing or dreading it. I also want to show myself that despite being at a low point, I still have the will to live. If I don't have any hope and completely lose my will then I am done for. But I just don't feel my time has come yet. And I am so tired that I almost wish it were my time. Something keeps telling me to open my eyes and wake up every morning, no matter how lousy, sick or depressed I am. I honestly have no expectations at this point. 

[John9]

6 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:   Anymore I feel as tho I am just existing. That is why I have started mentioning things about my husband in casual conversation. I don't want to depress people but rather, show that I am still connected to him in and in positive ways. That is partly what is keeping me alive right now. I want to be able to talk about him without people fearing or dreading it. I also want to show myself that despite being at a low point, I still have the will to live. If I don't have any hope and completely lose my will then I am done for. But I just don't feel my time has come yet. And I am so tired that I almost wish it were my time. Something keeps telling me to open my eyes and wake up every morning, no matter how lousy, sick or depressed I am. I honestly have no expectations at this point. 

tnd,

What you write is basically how I feel except, I don't know how or why I am still alive. The constant and endless pain and suffering and all of the events I am dealing with is really just too much for one person. The loneliness and the constant thoughts about my loving wife as nice as my memories are hurt so much. The commercials reminding me to buy that special Valentines day gift are killing me because we did celebrate that day, not as much since MIL moved in but we still tried to at least do something. And then 1 month later is the Anniversary of my loving wife's death.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:   A backup tank was finally delivered to me today. No more anxiety over THAT!  If/when it runs out during an emergency, a local fire station can come fill it. That's what they did for people last year during the Winter Storm.Apocalypse. I don't know what they did for those who didn't have tanks. Anyways, I'm keeping this baby!  

OMG, this is great news!  Big sigh of relief!

 

13 hours ago, tnd said:

"grief is love with nowhere to go"

It's a very common quote that sums it up...some attribute to a larger phrase from Jamie Anderson, some from tiny buddha, I don't kn ow where it originated, but it's everywhere.

  

13 hours ago, tnd said:

This could explain the tension between everyone. It might also explain why some act as if they are bipolar or schizophrenic and I am not joking about that. Others are smoking marijuana and maybe doing/still doing hard drugs like heroin and meth.

IDK but you probably don't want them to stop the marijuana, if it chills people out, imagine how they'd be w/o it!

[John9]

KayC,

I am not sure if this has been posted before but it was on another grief forum.

[John9]

On 2/11/2022 at 10:09 AM, KayC said:

IDK but you probably don't want them to stop the marijuana, if it chills people out, imagine how they'd be w/o it!

KayC,

My loving wife was trying to relieve some of the stresses of caring for her Mother and such by trying a little marijuana and I don't know if it helped her or hurt her. It's been legal here for a while and she started right around August 2020 a couple times a week. I can't say it chilled her out but it was a mental thing, I think. If it's legal and you are a responsible Adult why not, personally I have never tried it but it is more because of the discussions we had about my Father being an alcoholic and my fear of abusing substances.

[tnd]

On 2/11/2022 at 8:36 AM, John9 said:

we did celebrate that day, not as much since MIL moved in but we still tried to at least do something. And then 1 month later is the Anniversary of my loving wife's death.

John9:  My husband and I didn't make a big deal out of Valentine's Day but he would bring me chocolates in one of those big heart shaped boxes. I will miss that. It wasn't that they were expensive chocolates because they weren't. I had always told him "no expensive roses or flowers or going out to restaurants" on that day. But he'd still bring me some chocolates from the grocery store and since he was good about his blood sugar, we'd share them. Well, he had maybe just 2or 3 and I ate the rest of the box. 

It's going to be a sad one this year. 

[KayC]

My daughter used to use it to help her anxiety.  I know many who use it not for the purposes of getting high but for legit reasons, I have no judgment for that.  We alone weigh the odds of side effects of whatever we use, be it Rx or joint.   In my daughter's situation the doctor had prescribed something for her but it caused extreme headaches and she couldn't handle it.

Thank you for sharing this, I've saved it!

21 hours ago, John9 said:

 

8 hours ago, tnd said:

But he'd still bring me some chocolates from the grocery store and since he was good about his blood sugar, we'd share them.

My heart goes out to everyone here during Valentine's, I didn't have a birthday or Christmas celebration this year, it'll be the same for non-Valentine's.  Gets old sometimes. 

 

[tnd]

On 2/13/2022 at 8:49 AM, KayC said:

My heart goes out to everyone here during Valentine's, I didn't have a birthday or Christmas celebration this year, it'll be the same for non-Valentine's.  Gets old sometimes. 

 

KayC:  It will obviously not be the same as in the past but I think I am going to try celebrating "ME" on certain holidays. My husband and I had started something in recent years when we would order a small cake and have them write something celebratory on it. For example, "Happy Fourth Of July!" or "Congrats To Us!" And then we'd sip diet Ginger Ale or Sparkling Cider in bright colored plastic champagne glasses. It was silly but that was the idea; to make ourselves laugh and feel good. So when I get my own place I might try doing something similar for just myself and maybe include my cats. Doubt I will throw any parties, that's not me but something celebratory for myself might be doable.

You do so many good things and are so kind to people that YOU certainly deserve to reward yourself and celebrate in some fashion. 

[tnd]

Pfffft...pffft...pffft....That's the sound of life being sucked out of me. I'm babysitting again. My "get up and go got up and went". Okay, so I'm going to vent here. This poor little girl spends more time staying at gramma's than she does with her mother. Her mother works one job and does have days off. But even then she leaves her little girl (and often little brother from a different baby daddy) here at gramma's and gramma works, which is why I have the dayshift. I don't get it. I understand that some people can't afford Day Care but I don't understand why a mother doesn't spend her free time with her own children. Unless there's something more going on that I don't know about. At this point and in this house, that could very well be a possibility. The children, for the most part, are somewhat behaved but they are....children. And children will be children. And I'm in no shape to chase after them or to run and play with them like they deserve to be. Everyone knows this but I still end up babysitting because they say "there isn't anyone else" and that "all of us need to come together and help". Oookay. But why doesn't that apply when the children's mother goes to the gym after work instead of coming and picking up her children and spending time with them? I don't remember my mother having a gym membership. 

Anyways, I was so tensed up or wired last night that I couldn't sleep and am honestly "in a mood" today. I like these children, I really do but I do not want to get too attached. I need my head clear for other things, namely my future if I'm to have one. Babysitting was not on my list. At least not every day. Maybe it will change once I get my own place. Hope so. 

 

[Roxeanne]

Tnd i know it's hard for you but you can make a difference for this little girl so alone and in trouble...you can help her no to suffer so much!

In the end she is not a problem for you and your future...i think she can help you as well!

Sorry but for me children comes first...especially the ones who are forgotten by their own mother...! 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't understand why a mother doesn't spend her free time with her own children.

I used to have a daycare for about nine years when my kids were young.  One child I took care of from the time she turned a year old.  Her mom would have a vacation and go off with her sister and STILL Nicole would come to my house!  I told her mom how much it'd mean to Nicole to get to go with them (they camped in the wilderness with horses).  Lost on deaf ears.  Nicole had emotional problems, I believe from neglect.  Oh she had "things" but not her mom's attention/care.  Her dad seemed more understanding of her and how to deal with her.  Sigh...she went to therapy when she grew up.

I don't get it either.  I loved being a mom.  They grow up all too fast.  One can do exercise at home and let her little girl join her in it!

 

[tnd]

On 2/16/2022 at 5:28 PM, Roxeanne said:

Tnd i know it's hard for you but you can make a difference for this little girl so alone and in trouble...you can help her no to suffer so much!

Roxeanne:  The little girl is precious and she's very very smart. I also feel she is neglected in so many ways. It's sad. She and I have a good time together, I make sure of that. But given my low energy level and my pain, I can't really be as active and as fun as I'd like to be for her. And after babysitting all day I don't really have the energy to do things I need to for myself. It's early to bed.

I don't know what their plan is once I get my own place. If they still want me to babysit, that will mean that someone will have to get up and drive her before 6am and for some reason, I don't see that happening. Sarcoidosis is an insidious disease; I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's like my body is no longer my own. The little girl knows there is something wrong with me but I tell her that no matter what, I am okay and don't want her to be afraid. But I can tell she is disappointed when I can't do certain things with her. I feel very badly about it. Doesn't do either of us any good. 

Some may not understand this and that is okay but, once I get my own place I want to move forward and try to enjoy life again, if I can. I have ideas and plans and have been in a holding pattern for so long now while living in what is becoming an almost unbearable environment at this house (not because of the little girl tho). So once I move, given my illness and the uncertainty that surrounds it and my limitations (which I accept now), I look at it like my only and perhaps final chance in life to do what it is that I want to do, just some "me" goals. I've spent many years looking after and thinking of other people and while I don't regret having done so, it's seriously time I think of myself. Unfortunately, my plans did not include babysitting.  At least not every day. I would however, welcome it every once in a while, or maybe even a couple days a week. I even daydream of getting a toy box and filling them with toys and the cookies I might bake for this little girl and her baby brother. But being a "nanny" to them 5-6 days a week is too much for me. I need to have time and energy for myself (personal chores and for plans). I really don't know how much longer I can do things or keep up. I just really needed to vent, thanks for "listening" and for your input. 

[Roxeanne]

Tnd i know you're doing  the best you can in your situation...it's only that i'm very sorry for you and those children too!

Hope somehow there is a chance of better life for you and those children too...

A big hug Roxi

[KayC]

tnd, of course you're not up to it.  I am not up to it!  I'm getting old, turning 70 this year, I know my kids don't get that, because they're in the prime of their lives, it's hard to imagine how old age feels or how it feels to be incapacitated unless you're there.  This holding pattern seems to be all our lives now, I wish we could break from it...

[John9]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

I've spent many years looking after and thinking of other people and while I don't regret having done so, it's seriously time I think of myself.

tnd,

This is what my loving wife and I felt like also, and sadly we never got the opportunity to enjoy our own time. I don't regret caring for others, I am just very sad that our future was taken from US. There is still too much happening in my existence that makes this all about "others" and I can't devote any time to myself, and that is also part of the problem it has been so long since it has been about just me (36 years) that my broken brain can't accept it. I am still hoping for you to get your own place SOON and I know that is a relative term because of the situation with the waiting lists and such. Each day is one day closer and that is how it will be one day at a time, right. I know it is how things are and will be for the rest of this painful existence. I am sure that the children like you babysitting and would be sad if you weren't, but your health is very important too.

[John9]

26 minutes ago, KayC said:

tnd, of course you're not up to it.  I am not up to it!  I'm getting old, turning 70 this year, I know my kids don't get that, because they're in the prime of their lives, it's hard to imagine how old age feels or how it feels to be incapacitated unless you're there.  This holding pattern seems to be all our lives now, I wish we could break from it...

KayC,

I don't think that our children realize that we are older now, I was that way too. Your parents are always that age until they aren't. I think it is usually a major health crisis that makes them see us differently, although the death of another parent may also. Our son doesn't seem to realize I have aged way more since his Mother died than what the calendar says.The stresses and the heartbreak and all of the other issues are taking a tremendous toll on me and the pains no longer go away when I go to bed. There is no more rejuvenating sleep anymore because sleep is fleeting at best and only comes in short interrupted times. I awake too many times during the night and at some point I can't try any longer and have to get up and start all over again. It is bad when I don't want to be awake and up because of the thoughts and can't be in bed because of the pain and the thoughts, I have said it is either the pain or the brain and both are making this existence very hard all alone. I don't know what I would do without being able to vent or write on these forums.

[steveb]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't know what I would do without being able to vent or write on these forums.

Ain’t that the truth John.  Thank God for the wonderful folks that support this forum/site.  
 
 

[tnd]

10 hours ago, John9 said:

Our son doesn't seem to realize I have aged way more since his Mother died than what the calendar says.The stresses and the heartbreak and all of the other issues are taking a tremendous toll on me and the pains no longer go away when I go to bed.

John9:   I am so sorry for your pain and broken heart (and your broken brain). What concerns me is that I'm supposed to keep my stress level down or risk more inflammation in my lungs, joints and other organs. This actually applies to everybody but especially those of us of a mature age. Hope I said that politely enough, I don't like to be called "old". But seriously, the more upset we are and the less we sleep and eat properly, the more at risk we are of getting illnesses. They don't know for certain but they think auto-immune disorders are caused by prolonged stress. Our bodies, including our brains, can only handle so much before something has to give. I don't know if this is why I am sick but I do know that in the years leading up to being diagnosed I was under A LOT of stress. And now major stress! Inflammation eats the body. I know it probably won't be any time soon because of probate and paperwork issues but I really hope you will find a way to relax for a while and at least once a day. Try to make it a new habit, if for only 30 minutes. 

[tnd]

18 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Hope somehow there is a chance of better life for you and those children too...

A big hug Roxi

Roxeanne:  I've got to believe that life will get better or I will be done for. I feel as tho I keep being pushed down into a deep hole. Sometimes I don't want to climb out of it in fear of just being pushed back down again. And that has already happened on several occasions. It's real easy to give up. I don't want to. I can't explain it but I just don't think my story is over yet. Maybe this means I have more living to still do. In honor of my husband and for my own sake, I want to find out. I want to see what I can do for myself. Being able to do this means I have to learn to say "no" to things that aren't on my list right now. 

[John9]

11 minutes ago, tnd said:

What concerns me is that I'm supposed to keep my stress level down or risk more inflammation in my lungs, joints and other organs. This actually applies to everybody but especially those of us of a mature age.

tnd,

Sadly, I believe that the long term stresses were a contributing factor to my loving wife's death and I have said that I am surprised that all of the stresses since haven't killed me yet. I don't know how to relax because I can't turn my thoughts off, all thoughts eventually circle back to my loving wife and all of the other issues. It is why I can't sleep or why I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I do try because I know this isn't good or healthy for me and my body or broken brain.

[steveb]

You are so right tnd.  We all need to really relax, meditate, pray, or something in order to relieve stress.  

[tnd]

49 minutes ago, steveb said:

We all need to really relax, meditate, pray, or something in order to relieve stress.  

steveb:  Sometimes this means leaving what we thought was our comfort zone. For example, I normally do not mindlessly surf the internet. I like to read stuff and look up stuff but to just turn it on and see what there is to see was never me. Maybe because the "old me" didn't think she had time or thought of it as a waste. Well, I have discovered that it is anything but! Now that I have an iphone or Android ??  on nights that I can't sleep I will sit up and just randomly look at what google on the darn phone wants to show me. Most of it stupid stuff but before I know it, I have become so distracted by what I read/see that a couple of hours have passed by. Of course I'd rather be sleeping but it's better than laying there tossing and turning and then crying over things. It's like a drug that works fast and when you need it to. After that, I can usually lay back down and fall asleep. 

I guess I could say that sometimes it's good to waste time.