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Guilt


widower2

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You may have already seen these, but if not...

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death

Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

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11 hours ago, widower2 said:

like most things in grief not as bad as it was initially, but still incredibly resilient. 

Yes ...very resilient! I think it's tied to the fact we are all convinced within ourselves that we could change the things....despite reality!

And another thing for me very resilient is that i still find his death incredible....yes i know that death happen to everyone who are alive, i know is our fate but his death is still surreal for me...a bad dream from which i can't wake up...:sad:

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@Roxeanne That is how I feel. It is over a year but it still feels surreal and impossible. I really can't understand it. It's as if I had never heard of death before this and nobody can explain what it means. I feel like I am still in shock.

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6 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

a bad dream from which i can't wake up

That is how I felt for the longest time, it's just so hard to wrap your head around!  After 16 years I no longer expect him to walk through the door or call, but I don't remember how long it took to arrive there.

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20 hours ago, widower2 said:

Wondering if anyone else has struggled with this. It's been like a wound in my side that someone keeps jabbing with a stick.

widower2:  I'm living with guilt, too. Sometimes I wonder if I had never been sick if my husband would have been stronger. I wonder if he gave up because I was getting worse. He had seen his first wife die from brain cancer. I am sure it scared him when I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis and placed on supplemental oxygen. And in the end, he suffered immense pain and there was nothing I could do to help him. That will burn in my mind forever. His pain is sadder than mine. And I know it will stay with me, only lessening through time but will forever be there. 

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tnd I'm so sorry. But you getting sick wasn't your fault! I think you're being quite unfair to yourself in in feeling guilty about it. You were/are both victims. I don't know either of you really and I can't say for sure of course, but I seriously doubt he gave up because of your illness...I would think if anything it would strengthen his resolve to improve...but as you know, no matter what our resolve is, it isn't in itself always enough. Sometimes whatever it is someone is battling is too much. We're only human, as they say. 

 

 

23 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

Why is it that we really appreciate someone more after they are gone? 

Human nature. We are one seriously screwed up species!

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I feel like I could have given my husband more hope when he was in the hospital. I couldn't get to him but should have found a way. I thought and thought about it and couldn't see any way for me to be there. No car, no money, not even my debit card at the time. Nothing. And I'm sick. I knew I wouldn't make it out the door. So I was glued to the phone every day. His sister called and left me a long foul-mouthed voice mail saying that my husband was in the hospital because I hadn't taken proper care of him and that if he died, she would blame me. But she knew I was sick...so I don't see how it was up to me to take care of him. He was taking care of himself. He had been so good about doing what he should do living with Diabetes but for whatever reason, things took a turn. And it was after I became ill. But his sister blames me. Now I do think that I should have found some way to offer him more hope to get well and come back home only I honestly don't know what else could have been done for him. I've just wondered if he started giving up. He didn't  deserve all that pain or to be in a hospital for all those months. I'm not saying he gave up on me but rather, himself. And maybe I could have somehow rallied him to stay strong. I don't know and never will.  

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@tnd It was the same for me. They wouldn't let me in to see him so I had to make do with waving through the window. It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for me so how could it possibly be enough for him. I don't drive and at the time I was scared to get on the bus but I should have found a way to be there every single day. I used to sit by the phone waiting all day but I worry that he thought I was doing ok without him. I wasn't then and I'm not now and I never will be.

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I also have lots of guilt. Maybe I should have pleaded with the doctors to try harder. Not being able to go every day because of restrictions. Not pushing her to get checked out earlier. Not doing enough things together, travelling, etc. I didn't expect her to pass away at her age, and neither did she.

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@tnd Please hear me, you are NOT responsible for his death!!  Him and my George were both grown men and made choices that helped or hurt with their diabetes, trust me when I say there is only so much you CAN do for them!  I help with two diabetic groups daily and have fully immersed myself in it, I've learned a lot but at the time we followed what the doctors and diabetic classes said and the medical community and diabetic association are so far off in their guidelines, but it's the fault of our system not us, seriously!  There is only so much you could do and you loved him with all your heart, you did what you could and what you knew.  As for his sister, put up the hand to her words, do NOT let them echo in your brain, the witch could have come and taken care of him herself if she thought something else could be done and she did not.  She has to blame YOU rather than looking at herself!  How noble of her!  Don't even let me get started on her!!

The same goes for the rest of you.  None of us were responsible for their deaths although we all search within afterwards.  Hindsight is always easier as we have the facts then, but we enter this as it is doled out to us, and do not have complete picture ahead of time.

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3 hours ago, mfreedmn97 said:

This gaping wound is taking me to a place of sorrow and loss that I didn’t know was possible. 

mfreedmn97:   It's very much like a dark cavernous hole. I feel so far down inside it that I look up and cannot see the sky or even light poking through. One moment I think I am okay, the next I am completely falling apart. Unfortunately, this feeling is not going away any time soon. So my next step is to figure out how to carry this feeling with me as I fight to go forward. And it is a battle. Hope you try too. 

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11 hours ago, mfreedmn97 said:

I too feel this. It’s exhausting and terrifying and painful all at once. I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t. This gaping wound is taking me to a place of sorrow and loss that I didn’t know was possible. 

It's very exhausting, I know of nothing worse than emotional trauma.  :wub:  It's something we can't wrap our heads around.
3 Reasons To Let Yourself Feel Your Emotions | Huffington Post
A New Look at the 7 Emotional States of Loss | HuffPost Life

Coping with Sorrow in Grief

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