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Guilt


widower2

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You may have already seen these, but if not...

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death

Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

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6 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

a bad dream from which i can't wake up

That is how I felt for the longest time, it's just so hard to wrap your head around!  After 16 years I no longer expect him to walk through the door or call, but I don't remember how long it took to arrive there.

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20 hours ago, widower2 said:

Wondering if anyone else has struggled with this. It's been like a wound in my side that someone keeps jabbing with a stick.

widower2:  I'm living with guilt, too. Sometimes I wonder if I had never been sick if my husband would have been stronger. I wonder if he gave up because I was getting worse. He had seen his first wife die from brain cancer. I am sure it scared him when I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis and placed on supplemental oxygen. And in the end, he suffered immense pain and there was nothing I could do to help him. That will burn in my mind forever. His pain is sadder than mine. And I know it will stay with me, only lessening through time but will forever be there. 

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tnd I'm so sorry. But you getting sick wasn't your fault! I think you're being quite unfair to yourself in in feeling guilty about it. You were/are both victims. I don't know either of you really and I can't say for sure of course, but I seriously doubt he gave up because of your illness...I would think if anything it would strengthen his resolve to improve...but as you know, no matter what our resolve is, it isn't in itself always enough. Sometimes whatever it is someone is battling is too much. We're only human, as they say. 

 

 

23 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

Why is it that we really appreciate someone more after they are gone? 

Human nature. We are one seriously screwed up species!

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I feel like I could have given my husband more hope when he was in the hospital. I couldn't get to him but should have found a way. I thought and thought about it and couldn't see any way for me to be there. No car, no money, not even my debit card at the time. Nothing. And I'm sick. I knew I wouldn't make it out the door. So I was glued to the phone every day. His sister called and left me a long foul-mouthed voice mail saying that my husband was in the hospital because I hadn't taken proper care of him and that if he died, she would blame me. But she knew I was sick...so I don't see how it was up to me to take care of him. He was taking care of himself. He had been so good about doing what he should do living with Diabetes but for whatever reason, things took a turn. And it was after I became ill. But his sister blames me. Now I do think that I should have found some way to offer him more hope to get well and come back home only I honestly don't know what else could have been done for him. I've just wondered if he started giving up. He didn't  deserve all that pain or to be in a hospital for all those months. I'm not saying he gave up on me but rather, himself. And maybe I could have somehow rallied him to stay strong. I don't know and never will.  

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@tnd It was the same for me. They wouldn't let me in to see him so I had to make do with waving through the window. It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for me so how could it possibly be enough for him. I don't drive and at the time I was scared to get on the bus but I should have found a way to be there every single day. I used to sit by the phone waiting all day but I worry that he thought I was doing ok without him. I wasn't then and I'm not now and I never will be.

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@tnd Please hear me, you are NOT responsible for his death!!  Him and my George were both grown men and made choices that helped or hurt with their diabetes, trust me when I say there is only so much you CAN do for them!  I help with two diabetic groups daily and have fully immersed myself in it, I've learned a lot but at the time we followed what the doctors and diabetic classes said and the medical community and diabetic association are so far off in their guidelines, but it's the fault of our system not us, seriously!  There is only so much you could do and you loved him with all your heart, you did what you could and what you knew.  As for his sister, put up the hand to her words, do NOT let them echo in your brain, the witch could have come and taken care of him herself if she thought something else could be done and she did not.  She has to blame YOU rather than looking at herself!  How noble of her!  Don't even let me get started on her!!

The same goes for the rest of you.  None of us were responsible for their deaths although we all search within afterwards.  Hindsight is always easier as we have the facts then, but we enter this as it is doled out to us, and do not have complete picture ahead of time.

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3 hours ago, mfreedmn97 said:

This gaping wound is taking me to a place of sorrow and loss that I didn’t know was possible. 

mfreedmn97:   It's very much like a dark cavernous hole. I feel so far down inside it that I look up and cannot see the sky or even light poking through. One moment I think I am okay, the next I am completely falling apart. Unfortunately, this feeling is not going away any time soon. So my next step is to figure out how to carry this feeling with me as I fight to go forward. And it is a battle. Hope you try too. 

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11 hours ago, mfreedmn97 said:

I too feel this. It’s exhausting and terrifying and painful all at once. I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t. This gaping wound is taking me to a place of sorrow and loss that I didn’t know was possible. 

It's very exhausting, I know of nothing worse than emotional trauma.  :wub:  It's something we can't wrap our heads around.
3 Reasons To Let Yourself Feel Your Emotions | Huffington Post
A New Look at the 7 Emotional States of Loss | HuffPost Life

Coping with Sorrow in Grief

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On 9/18/2021 at 2:09 AM, tnd said:

mfreedmn97:   It's very much like a dark cavernous hole. 

That is about where I'm at lately. I am just so furious with myself for being so inadequate, so stupid. And please don't tell me I'm being too hard on myself because while I appreciate the intent, it's simply incorrect. Trust me if you knew the details you couldn't in all honesty disagree. 

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 Each of our journeys is unique. We own them. No one else does. No one else could. Nonetheless, inadequate - t h a t I can’t abide. Nor stupid. You are not. Anything but. Period. 

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1 hour ago, Maria_PI said:

So many things I only learned when it was too late.

Yes...but how we knew then ? And it would changed things ?

Sometimes i feel guilt again...but it is a truly torture we experienced on ourselves...

I don't want play this slaughter game anymore...

we are powerless, we couldn't save them!

I agree with Kay: 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Let it go...  Forgive yourself.  We can be our own worst critics, our own worst enemy.

 

 

 

 

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16 hours ago, ScotJ65 said:

Anger when I think about the absolute madness of pouring $£trillions into nuclear weapons when it could be used to fund research into finding cures for the diseases which claim so many lives prematurely.

I hear you on that one, the gov't wastes a lot of $ that we can't comprehend, unlike us, who learn to live within our means, they'll just raise taxes, print more $ and give away $ we can't afford to other countries while our own people do without.  tnd is a prime example, no help for her needing housing but they're doing all kinds of stuff for refugees that never paid into our system.  Not saying they shouldn't just saying where is it for our own people, nothing makes sense.  The proposed budget cut in half, bet you and I could find something else to cut though.  Yet you're right, no help medically for our own.  Same with Rxs...why do they cost more here than everywhere else?

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I was diagnosed with a fully torn bicep tendon that may need surgery.

Oh no!  Let us know when you know more...

This is not an easy journey...alone.  

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On 10/30/2021 at 5:40 PM, foreverhis said:

yesterday I was diagnosed with a fully torn bicep tendon that may need surgery.  Fortunately we have two tendons there, so I can at least use my arm for basic activities. But Lordy, do my shoulder, arm, and elbow hurt!) 

Foreverhis, I hope you can take it easy and get your arm fixed. I hope everything goes well for you and I pray you recover from this unfortunate incident.

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First I want to thank all of you for your replies. Offhand tbh I'm too tired to do it one by one and I'm just so weary of the topic. (I know, then why did I bring it up....good question)

Specifically though Kay, I felt compelled to respond to this:  

On 10/30/2021 at 11:14 AM, KayC said:

when I lost my Arlie (dog) to cancer, I fed him a Colitis diet which had meat, multiple vegetables and brown rice...rice is a carb, even though brown is a complex one, nonetheless a carb, and guess what, it feeds cancer, that's what kills me, did I help kill my dog?  My husband?  

I can tell you the answer to that one is a big huge no. Yes carbs become sugar in our body, but "sugar feeds cancer" is a myth (among many) with no basis in fact. You gave your dog a healthy diet. If you want to feel guilty about something, you'll need to find something else. ;) 

 

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I have read countless info on diet and yes, it does play a role in cancer's spread.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3267662/
Keto for Cancer: Benefits, Cancer Prevention & More

My point here is not to argue carbs effects (I've been studying diet for two years) but to say that we all struggle with the "what ifs" in early grief.  The fact is, Arlie had other circumstances (lifelong Colitis, intolerance to antibiotics) and sometimes it's a balancing act at best to try to help with diet as we were forced to.  I meet people every day in my Diabetes group for which "the norm" doesn't necessarily work for them because of THEIR extenuating circumstances.  It's important to find what works best for each of us and do that, and it's a crap shoot along the way, sometimes we get our information too late.

And no, I don't "WANT" to feel guilty about something.

 

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On 10/30/2021 at 11:27 AM, Roxeanne said:

Yes...but how we knew then ? And it would changed things ?

Sometimes i feel guilt again...but it is a truly torture we experienced on ourselves...

I don't want play this slaughter game anymore...

we are powerless, we couldn't save them!

I agree with Kay: 

Roxeanne:  I totally agree with you. Every time I wander into guilt territory I stop and tell myself that it will not bring back my husband. I feel like there were things I should have done to prevent my husband from ending up in the hospital but, he knew what to do too. He knew what he needed to do and for whatever reason, he didn't. I can't change the outcome. No one can.

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7 minutes ago, mfreedmn97 said:

But i'll paraphrase a line that Andy Dufresne said in the (most excellent) movie Shawshank Redemption : There comes a time when a man has to decide to get busy living or get busy dying. Im making my choice. I may have to crawl through a river of $hit just like he did in that movie but I'm going to do this.

mfreedom97:  I've never watched the movie but I like that quote. It hit me the other night that my husband may be gone but not my memory of him. I can do a lot of good with that. I want to be his champion, his hero. Don't exactly know how yet but I'll start by holding my chin up a little higher. 

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On 11/1/2021 at 8:50 AM, KayC said:

My point here is not to argue carbs effects (I've been studying diet for two years) but to say that we all struggle with the "what ifs" in early grief. 

KayC:  Although I can't remember specifics, I remember my diabetic husband told me something about carbs and wheat products. He couldn't have enriched wheat and had to watch his carbs. 

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3 hours ago, tnd said:

I've never watched the movie but I like that quote

Tnd, you must watch it. One of the best movies ever made, I never get tired of watching it when it's on tv. 

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Sparky, I love that movie, I have seen it about 8 times and would watch it again.  One of my favorite shows!!! I love when Red gets to see the Ocean and his friend Andy Dufresne for the first time in a awhile!!!!!!!!! Great cast!!!!!!

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That was one of our favorite movies, too.  We watched it countless times over the years.

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On 11/1/2021 at 9:50 AM, KayC said:

no, I don't "WANT" to feel guilty about something

Of course not. An ill-advised, tongue-in-cheek choice of words on my part; apologies. 

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19 hours ago, tnd said:

And if someone ever says they don't or haven't said/done stupid things, they are lying.

Or maybe they don't self examine, don't think about it.  Not everyone is as self aware.

18 hours ago, mfreedmn97 said:

I could look back on soooo much stuff and beat myself up over it - and for a good few weeks i did - but im not anymore. Or at least trying NOT to

Good for you.  And I don't think it is something we can get through without deliberate choice to.

18 hours ago, tnd said:

I've never watched the movie but I like that quote.

OMG, if you ever get a chance to watch it, it is one of my favorite movies!  VERY good!

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18 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  Although I can't remember specifics, I remember my diabetic husband told me something about carbs and wheat products. He couldn't have enriched wheat and had to watch his carbs. 

Definitely, we have intolerance and avoid carbs, gluten too, I avoid grains and starches, also juices and most fruits.  Our bodies don't process sugars/carbs like others do.

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

Of course not. An ill-advised, tongue-in-cheek choice of words on my part; apologies. 

I know that's what you said but NOT what you were meaning.  ;)

 

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19 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Tnd, you must watch it. One of the best movies ever made, I never get tired of watching it when it's on tv.

Sparky1:  Will do!  I know my husband liked it. I may have seen parts of it, not sure. But I will watch it through to it's entirety if given the opportunity.   

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Just be warned it is very dark and at times quite violent but yes it is a great movie. 

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16 hours ago, widower2 said:

Just be warned it is very dark and at times quite violent but yes it is a great movie. 

widower2:  Thanks for the warning. That might be why I never watched it. My husband loved it. He's also watched every mafia movie ever made (he was adopted by a Sicilian family). But when I think the time is right and that I can handle it, I will watch it. Just because you said so. lol    

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