Secret Loss

[NicoleT]

Three years ago, my Husband of 15 years turned into a monster. Constant verbal abuse, stalking, harassment all because I caught him cheating (again). I was done. My children were no longer babies, and I couldn’t forgive him again. He lives in this house and he helps pay these bills and that’s it. I had recently met some people, and one in particular was there for me. He checked in on me daily, he made me smile when I was sobbing, he sent me silly things just to cheer me up. We texted a lot, talking about everything and nothing and i’ve never laughed more in my life than I did with him. It’s why I never saw him coming, he’d worked his way past all my walls and defenses before I ever even knew what happened. I fell, and I fell hard. So did he. It wasn’t intentional. We were both married. And we knew it was wrong so we ended that part of our relationship. That was devastating for both of us, and so difficult to maintain. There were many times we’d go no contact, but one or both of us couldn’t stay away. We managed to be “just friends” - a difficult, fraught with tension shell of what was “us”. He was my best friend, and more so than losing the man I loved I couldn’t stand to lose the only man I’ve ever trusted with my whole heart. But now I have lost both because he is gone and I’m not allowed to grieve. People don’t understand because they only know the part where we were “friends” - but we were so much more than that. He was the person who showed up for me every day, rain or shine. No matter what. I didn’t even get that from someone who has been my “best friend” for twenty years. I wasn’t “allowed” to love him, or to be with him in that way but it didn’t mean that I didn’t. I just didn’t go there anymore and was “content” to have him in my life as a friend rather than not at all. The idea of missing him forever was my biggest fear, and of course exactly what I am facing now. My heart feels dead. My soul feels broken. My days are so lonely that I feel like i’m being crushed alive. My chest hurts. I hyperventilate. I cry at the drop of a hat. I’m absolutely sick with grief. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep without numbing my mind with medication. I feel like i’ve lost everything that mattered to me. Everything that gave me the smallest bit of happiness, even if I couldn’t have all of it. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I feel like I can’t go on, even though I know I need to. I have a child and that child needs me. But I am broken beyond repair and I can’t even grieve properly because no one will understand. I have to hide my feelings away until no one is around. Carry on with my life even though it’s breaking me to do so. We did the right thing for years. No lapses in judgment. Having enough respect for each other to never go there again. But I loved him. At the end of the day, no matter how shitty it had been… he was the only person I wanted to talk to. We really did manage to be friends. But still… it’s like I never existed. I’m erased from his story because no one knew, but he will forever be in mine because I will never recover from this. I need help. And it seems there is no help for people like me. People who, ultimately did the right thing but are still being punished for it.  

[Roxeanne]

3 hours ago, NicoleT said:

i’ve never laughed more in my life than I did with him.

Nicole very moving story! Losing someone who uplift our life and make us laugh is very painful and full of despair!

I know your deep sorrow 'cos i lost a man like that too!

The world around us is boring without them!

I am so sorry you couldn't lived your love with that nice man...you deserve it !

I only want to say , how much hard it look now for you, that you have to feel grateful that you had him in your  life....without them our life would have been a wasteland!

Take care, hugs

[NicoleT]

1 hour ago, Roxeanne said:

I know your deep sorrow 'cos i lost a man like that too!

 

how did you find the strength to keep going? I do not feel like I can.

[Gail 8588]

NicoleT, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  

Just because your circumstances didn't allow for you to be in a recognized relationship, doesn't mean your hearts and souls were not bound together.  I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to hide your grief. 

I hope you will come here to express your emotions. It is common to have lots of different, even conflicting ones, which change and then double back sometimes.  Totally confusing. 

We all have unique circumstances that brought us to this site. But what amazes me is how our suffering has so many common elements.  I think when you have really found that person that makes you complete, your souls connect in some very real way. It doesn't matter how long you had together (I had 38 years) it is never enough. It doesn't matter how short a time you shared, some people on here had only long distance relationships. When your soulmate dies, it shatters your life, your future and your own sense of being.  Often we have to lean heavily on friends and family to get through the early months.  I can hardly imagine how hard it is for you with no one offering any support, because they don't know you are grieving. 

Come here to vent, ask questions, share memories or just read the posts of others. It helps a little to see you are not alone in what you are feeling. 

Welcome.

Gail

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, NicoleT said:

I fell, and I fell hard. So did he. It wasn’t intentional. We were both married. And we knew it was wrong so we ended that part of our relationship. That was devastating for both of us, and so difficult to maintain

I am a Christian and as such I have my beliefs, it sounds like you do too.  HOWEVER, rules were made not with thrust to judge, but protect.  By my way of looking at it, when people do not do what they do to protect their marriage by treating the other horribly, that weakens the marriage, making us vulnerable and susceptible.  You will receive no judgement here, we are all human and as such, susceptible to vulnerabilities...some of us were lucky in our marriage, some were not, that's how I see it.

Everything you are feeling is valid.  I am very glad you found your way here, it's not good to keep everything bottled up, we all need a "safe place," this is it for us.

You are not erased from his story, you mattered to him, you still do.  You have what they call disenfranchised grief, that is, grief that others do not recognize.  But that doesn't make it any less so.  We can "not act" on our love, but how can a love that is so deep just not happen?!  It did and it continues to live on, just as those of us here have with our partners that are gone.  
I am sorry you are feeling all that you are, can you see a grief counselor?  I had a friend in this situation and she used to travel outside her community to get the support she needed.  On line groups can be that as well.  At any rate, we are here for you and embrace you, I feel you could use a hug.

I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, you are one of us now, you belong. 
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[tnd]

NicoleT:  I am very sorry for your loss. Everyone on here knows your pain. And admittedly, it is the worst pain I have ever felt. I lost my husband back in June and so I am just starting on this journey of grief. I have no idea how to deal with it but everyone on here has been so helpful, so supportive and kind and caring. More than my own family. Please don't feel alone with your grief. I understand why you haven't talked about it to anyone but you don't have to hold anything back on here. All of us are going through the healing process and it's hard. We need each other. You need us and we may need you. Sharing is what we do. It's all about healing and navigating troubled waters. We are here for you. Take care.  

[KayC]

I forgot to post these articles, I meant to, I hope it helps you to know you are not alone with it.

Disenfranchised Grief: Hidden Sorrow
Disenfranchised Grief of Romantic and Pet Loss
Disenfranchised Grief: 22 Examples, Signs, and Tips
Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning An Invisible Love
Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief and Grievers Are Unrecognized - SocialWorker.com
Disenfranchised Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

[KayC]

In the other thread you posted about guilt and regret, both very common esp. in early grief.  We ALL have things we regret to some extent or another, and it's like we can't handle this outcome so we wish things had gone another way so we could have a different outcome.
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Address Guilt When Grieving