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So lost without him


Malisacher

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Just lost my husband of 24 years Monday…would of been 25 years March 25 …we have special needs child and my husband was our sole income …still waiting to hear what we will get for his military service and his federal technician…this grief is to much I can’t do things that need to be done …we all have covid my husband and I and our son  ….they say my husband had covid hard attack he was very sick it took him down fast …I’m stuck in quarantine till the 14th…I had to plan funeral over phone …my husband did our banking online and I don’t know his passwords….went to the atm I have access   to our checking not our savings ….I need to transfer some money from our savings to our checking to cover the funeral… my grief is tremendous and now I have to worry about what might happen to me and my son….I’m so scared . 

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I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost mine 16 years ago, just after his 51st birthday, heart attack with diabetic complications, we hadn't known he had heart trouble although apparently he'd had a severe one six months early, the doctor never sent him to a cardiologist or took his complaints seriously.  

Could you ask for a pw reset?  Do you know a computer technician that could crack the pw?  You may have to wait until out of quarantine and go to the bank with a copy of the death certificate and get some help with it.  I hope your name is on the account or you're listed as beneficiary.

I understand your fear, my anxiety was through the roof, in shock, could not imagine a week without him, let alone the next 40 years, somehow one day turned into another...I didn't get how the sun could shine without him in it!

I want to welcome you here, I hope you'll continue to come here, read/post, it helps.  It was a site such as this that saved me for sure.  We want to be here to walk with you through this.  How old is your son?

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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That's good, they should be able to do something then, my sister went through this too when her husband died only she doesn't have a computer.  

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Malisacher, 

I am so sorry for your loss. 

I hope you and your son recover from Covid without any problems.   I am so sorry your husband was taken by this virus.  Too many people are here due to Covid.

Try not to focus on the future right now, just focus on things you have to do today.  Get yourself and your son well. Deal with the paperwork and legalities as you must. But everything that can wait, put off till later.  Your brain will be working better in a few months than it is now.  Too many decisions and choices can be overwhelming.  Anything you can turn over to a trusted family member or friend, turn it over to them.  Accept help, you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time and space to come to grips with this new reality. 

I am so sorry you have reason to join us here, but welcome. 

Gail 

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Malisacher

If you have power of attorney maybe the bank will help reset the passwords. I had the same thing in revers my wife of 30 years passed. I found a note book with her passwords in it. I feel so bad for you I know how scared you are. God bless you.  

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Hi, sorry for your loss, I just loss my husband of 32 years together 2 day after my birthday August 25, 2021, unexpectedly do to COVID,  it so hard. I’m still waiting to see if they going to approve his pension so I can get it. I know it’s going to be hard but the only thing I can tell you is take it one day at a time that’s all we can do. 

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Chyannezj97,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Yes, one day at a time is a good plan for early grief. Focus on just the things that must be done today.  Try to push out of your mind all the 'what if's' because all the possibilities are overwhelming and often very negative.  Just focus on what is happening today.

I hope his pension comes through to you.

Welcome to our group, we are so sorry you have reason to join us. 

Gail

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12 hours ago, Chyannezj97 said:

Hi, sorry for your loss, I just loss my husband of 32 years together 2 day after my birthday August 25, 2021, unexpectedly do to COVID,  it so hard. I’m still waiting to see if they going to approve his pension so I can get it. I know it’s going to be hard but the only thing I can tell you is take it one day at a time that’s all we can do. 

I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing in the world, and I pray with you for the pension to come through for you.  Hard enough to deal with, without having finances to worry about.  I lost my job after my husband died, it was a very tough time...beginning of recession...over 16 years ago now.  You have already figured out to take a day at a time, I do that still, the only way I can make it through life, growing old alone with whatever comes our way.

I welcome you here and hope you'll continue to read/post here, it helps to express ourselves where others "get it" and understand...and this is that safe place.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Thank you, I will try to do some of this. I’m trying to get myself back on track but it lonely. Most of my family lives in Jersey . I’m planing to go visit them next month If god permits.

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I hope you can make it, we all need supportiveness around us.  I've lived alone over 16 years now and go through all of the deathaversaries alone, it happened on Father's Day.  Today would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.  :(

 

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

I hope you can make it, we all need supportiveness around us.  I've lived alone over 16 years now and go through all of the deathaversaries alone, it happened on Father's Day.  Today would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.  :(

 

Kay, I am holding you in my heart today.  I hope you are able to remember your anniversary as the joyous memory it should be.  You and George deserved decades together.  Losing him will never be fair or right.  Loving him and his love for you will always be a rare and precious gift.  ((HUGS))

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Thank you...the day didn't go well, I wrote about it somewhere else... :(

No one remembers the day but me anyway.  This is a lonely journey.

 

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That is so true. It’s so lonely even if you speak to other. You are alright when you talk to or be around other sometime you cry with them, but when you have to drive home and sleep by yourself that’s when it hits the hardest. Right now life sucks. 

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16 hours ago, KayC said:

Thank you...the day didn't go well, I wrote about it somewhere else... :(

No one remembers the day but me anyway.  This is a lonely journey.

 

I read the other post.  And the hits just keep on coming.  You're right that you can't force adults to do things they refuse to do.  You're right to step back and focus on you and Kodie.  You've been there and been giving of yourself far longer than most people would have been.  I'm sorry about your neighbor friend and think it's admirable that you will be helping her.  But please, please, please (please) don't make your own health, physical and mental, worse.  It's more than fair for you to focus on your own needs now. 

I'm so sorry that no one acknowledged your and George's day.  It is a lonely journey.  I've noticed this last year that a few people, not in our small "inner" circle, have drifted away.  As I did nothing to keep them close, I find it hard to be angry with them.  Still, it's hard to realize that I don't matter to them anymore.  This journey is so damn hard.

I hope you know that we are always thinking of you, sending prayers and comfort in our own small way.  You matter.  Your love matters.  Kodie matters. 

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7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

But please, please, please (please) don't make your own health, physical and mental, worse.

I will not, I will share this with other neighbors/friends so as not to burden any one of us unduly.  She won't be able to drive after doing chemo.

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Still, it's hard to realize that I don't matter to them anymore.

It was for a while, I was shocked when he first died and they all disappeared so quickly!  Not what I needed on top of everything, but I look back and think of it as a giant weeding out.  When all is said and done we have what we're left with when the air clears.  Good to know who that is.

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I hope you know that we are always thinking of you, sending prayers and comfort in our own small way.  You matter.  Your love matters.  Kodie matters. 

Thank you.

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