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Reality hitting


LMR

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7 hours ago, LMR said:

I am so afraid. Afraid I'm leaving him behind. Not in the sense that I will forget, that will never happen, but what if if he is actually HERE?

LMR:  When I left the apartment last week I was afraid I'd fall apart but I didn't. It all went so fast that I left and did not look back. I did get a little sad the first nite at the hotel, knowing someone else would be enjoying "our" apartment but I didn't feel that he didn't come with me. Your husband loved and married YOU, not the house. He probably would have been willing to live anywhere so long as it was with you. So I would think it's safe to say that he will be going with you and not staying behind. 

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Your fears are understandable, I hope Gail was able to allay those fears, many have had to sell their place and move.  They reside not in sticks and stones but inside of US.  Where we are, there is their spirit.  Sending you hugs all the same.

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Thank you all for your kind words. It is hard to think logically in the midst of so much emotion. I need constant reminders. The moving has been so overwhelming. I have spent hours shredding documents and each one seemed like a little part of his life disappearing. The hardest thing is the audio tapes he made. Nobody uses those any more but he spent so much time making compilations, different mixes for different friends. I can so clearly remember that, it seems disloyal to throw them in the bin. I am keeping a few but there are about 200! I have tried giving his things to friends, its been reasonably successful. I persevere. I feel like the wife in the Pickles cartoon "donating" her zucchini in the middle of the night! He loved Pickles, we could so easily relate.

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I have a huge drawer full of George's cassette tapes (remember those?) he used to listen to in his long commute.  I don't remember the last time I listened to one yet can't throw them away either.  Those decisions are so hard, LMR!

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't remember the last time I listened to one yet can't throw them away either. 

KayC:  My husband had a few CD's of music I didn't care for but would listen along to with him. I packed them to move with me. I had CD's he didn't like so I stopped playing them but I suppose I could start listening to them again. Sorry, honey.

BTW KayC, I do remember cassette tapes. I remember being so embarrassed when I went to a store to look for new music on cassettes and couldn't find any. I asked a young store clerk for their help. He gave me the strangest look and then shook his head and blurted out that they didn't even make those any more and then walked away! He must've thought I was joking but I guess the joke was on me. Talk about being "behind the times". 

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Mine still play, I have an old stereo.  I wish my VCR worked as my VHS tape of him is the only "video" I have of him.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Mine still play, I have an old stereo.  I wish my VCR worked as my VHS tape of him is the only "video" I have of him.

Kay, I'm sure that there are people that can transfer that VHS tape to a dvd or a digital file. One of the regrets I have concerning my wife is that I don't have many videos of her. I have little bits that she is in when I was recording our granddaughter, otherwise not much. The video guy at our wedding lost the video he made and can't find it. This is going back many years, I am so pi**ed off it's not real. I do have some clips of her voice and her saying "I love you" days before she passed away. I'd rather hear her voice from her than from an audio file.

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I have a dozen CDs my husband made with different groups of friends/bands he played music with.  I get to hear his voice anytime I want.  I especially love listening to the CDs where he engages in casual chatter between songs, mentioning where this is being recorded, calling out to our boys or other friends in the audience. 

In the early years, I would play his music and sob for hours. But now they bring me a lot of joy.  

He was always happy playing music. 

I feel very blessed to have these CDs. 

Gail

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6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

n the early years, I would play his music and sob for hours. But now they bring me a lot of joy.  

He was always happy playing music. 

Gail 8588:  So glad you have your husband's music and that you even get to hear him talk! I've listened to my husband's cell phone greeting for however long that lasts. 

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So yesterday they took away everything for shipping. I still added a few things at the last minute. I have tried finding good homes for the rest of his things. It feels very strange. I want to be with my sister but I don't want to leave our home. We were so happy here. I can't imagine not being here, but then I couldn't imagine a life without him. I still feel afraid that I have got it wrong. That he is somewhere still, missing me and needing my love. Now and at bedtime is the only time of day I get to have a good cry. I still have so much to do. Only six days left to do it. It's good that I am too busy to have a full on meltdown right now. I have a sort of 'firewall' that comes down and locks out all thought. It will catch up with me in a few days. I just hope the trip will be without incident or I will collapse in a blubbering heap at the airport or on the plane.

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My sister's new caregiver went through Bert's room, making bags of stuff to donate, bags of stuff to throw away, it bothers me.  She's so new to Peggy, it just doesn't seem right to go through Peggy's husband's stuff!  I knew and love/d Bert and I wouldn't have done that!  I talked with Peggy about it today.  I had to try and consolidate the garbage as it was just helter skelter all over outside, and she called the trash guy to pick it up...I picked up two of his hats and I asked her if she was okay with them being tossed.  She said everything she wants of his is in her front room, around her.  I hope she doesn't regret this.  It'll be one year 9/23.  There's no way in hell I would have had some stranger going through my husband's stuff.  I told her to keep a close eye on his ashes!

LMR, my thoughts are with you as you're going through this.  Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to be somewhere w/o the memories, but I don't think I could do that, I guess we do what we have no choice in.

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7 hours ago, LMR said:

I just hope the trip will be without incident or I will collapse in a blubbering heap at the airport or on the plane.

LMR:  I will send you positive thoughts for strength. But if you do break down just remember that people at an airport or on a plane don't know who you are or what your circumstances are and...they probably won't even think about it as they've got their own travels in mind. You'll probably never see any of them again. And the only ones you'd want to remember is anyone who helps you. Take deep breaths. You just have to get to your family's house where they can help make you comfortable and console you. It's probably going to be very hard but little by little you are getting there. Just a few more days now..

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I have been trying to "offload" my husbands belongings. It is hard enough to part with them without having to put them in the dumpster. He was a big rugby fan so I contacted the local rugby club to see if anyone was interested in his magazines and tapes. I got such a lovely letter back from these guys. Big tough guys being really sweet! I was so touched.

It has been a real eye opener finding out who would stick with me through these tough times. Who is caring and who finds me a nuisance. My new best friend I hardly new before.

There are wonderful people out there.

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3 hours ago, LMR said:

My new best friend I hardly new before.

There are wonderful people out there.

LMR:  Look what happened to me...I barely knew Francis as the receptionist at my dentist's. Now I am living in her home. She said I am her best friend now. I didn't know she needed one but I sure did. I hope you make more new friends, LMR. Once I get my own place I intend to do that too.  

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Thank you tnd. I hope I will make some new friends. I'm going to try.

Today was a terrible day. Nothing has gone right and the whole day was wasted. Culminating in the bus breaking down on the way home. I was so tired and depressed by then. I wish I had just stayed in bed.

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@LMR I am sorry you are going through this and at the same time admire your courage to go through it. I hope tomorrow will be a bit easier for you!

I myself have been back and forth considering selling our home and moving back to my roots but every time I get the urge, and a push from friends who are not emotionally invested in it, to sell now because prices and demand is high in the area where I live (it's true), then I think of all the memories I will have to forfeit, either donate or throw in the trash, also the emotional attachment to this home which my husband and I chose together, and he sold his most precious basses and all his retirement savings to purchase so we didn't have to be tied with a mortgage. I realize I am fortunate to not have to sell or move out of necessity. But at the same time the more I stay here surrounded by his things and memories of our life together, the less likely it is for me to do it. It took me over a year to even go through his studio and put at least his equipment up for sale, the basses are still here. I managed to donate his bicycles to the local homeless charity, they were so thankful at least this gave me some solace. At least I find that the anxiety of having to decide one way or another has subsided.

So hoping that you will heal quickly from the stress of this, knowing that he lives in your heart and soul and that will always be with you wherever you go.

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21 hours ago, LMR said:

My new best friend I hardly new before.

I made a new friend when George died, she was there for him during his hospital stay, we barely knew her before, but her husband was in the hospital at the same time and she split her time between them as I couldn't get my sister to drive me the 4 1/2 hours home.  Her and I became fast friends, a few years later her husband died and I was able to reciprocate, we were best friends for ten years before she moved to TX to remarry.  I'm very happy for them but I sure miss her.  No one else has been as close with me since.

I'm sorry you had such a hard day yesterday, I did too although I think the bus breaking down even tops mine.  ;)  I hope today goes better.

@Maria_PI  I don't think $ is the only consideration, there's something to be said for what brings you comfort, too.  You may kick yourself later on if the market drops but then again you'll also understand your reasons for why you handled things as you did and know that was okay for you at the time also.  So no cut and dried way to answer this, sometimes we have to go with our gut.  :wub:

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@Maria_PI If I had enough money I would have kept the apartment and gone back and forth to UK to see my sister. When you have been through this kind of grief you realise that money doesn't matter beyond being able to provide for your living expenses. My husband was worried that he would leave me bankrupt because of medical bills. An idea that was fostered by the nursing staff, we were never in danger of that. But I would have lived in a caravan if I had to. The important thing was staying together.

I know I will take his memories with me but I could have done without the added stress. Plus I have not only lost my love and my home but also the few real friends and everything that is familiar and comforting.

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foreverhis
On 9/12/2021 at 12:34 PM, Gail 8588 said:

I have a dozen CDs my husband made with different groups of friends/bands he played music with.  I get to hear his voice anytime I want.  I especially love listening to the CDs where he engages in casual chatter between songs, mentioning where this is being recorded, calling out to our boys or other friends in the audience. 

Thanks, Gail.  You and Sparky1 have given me an idea.

I have a bunch of cassette tapes of recordings of rehearsals, dress rehearsals, performances, concerts, etc.  His comments, conducting notes, direction to the orchestra or actors, and more are on them.  My stage singing is on them. I think there are even a couple my mother made of shows I was in before I even met John.  I think maybe there's a cassette player some place in the house, but who knows where it is.  I also have the cassettes he made of our daughter when she was 3-5 years old.  I'm sure they are degrading by the day.

I bet there's a service that could transfer those to CDs or USB drives or something.  I have some recordings of his voice on videos he took in the months after our granddaughter was born.  I got desperate--as in, sobbing on the floor like a toddler throwing a tantrum desperate--to hear his voice a few months after he died.  I went hunting through his computer and found them.  He's only "in" one or two of them, but he narrates all the ones he took of our little one (who is now taller than I am by 1/2 inch, as she bragged to me the other day).  The only other video I can find was from one of his hospital stays when he couldn't figure out what a specific sound was.  He grabbed his tablet, put on the recording app, and asked, "What is that?" (it was his measured IV pump for the antibiotics), so it's only about 10 seconds long.  But oh, the day I stumbled on that was another punch in the heart, a reminder that I didn't save him and he's not here with me.  Still, at least I have his voice and his face.

If I was able to have those cassettes transferred, I could also have a copy made for our girls.  That would be wonderful, even though I know we'd all cry.  I don't expect I will ever get to a point where I don't cry, so it's okay.

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On 9/16/2021 at 11:47 PM, LMR said:

Culminating in the bus breaking down on the way home. I was so tired and depressed by then. I wish I had just stayed in bed.

LMR:  I am sorry that you had such a miserable day! So did I. Staying or retreating to bed is depressing me. Just want some normalcy but it seems to escape me. Hope you have a good day tomorrow. 

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22 hours ago, LMR said:

I have not only lost my love and my home but also the few real friends and everything that is familiar and comforting.

It's a lot to deal with at once.  :(

 

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LMR:  Sorry you are having a hard time. Seems almost impossible to think of anything else when we are grieving. And then when we have these quiet moments, sitting alone becomes nearly unbearable. I miss my husband, too. This is so hard. The hardest thing I've ever experienced. Hopefully through time we will heal and recover enough to be able to enjoy some part of life. Please take good care of yourself. 

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LMR, it's a lot, I can't imagine having to move so far, by yourself, while grieving...I hope you find some comfort being with your sister, I know you just wish your life back.  (((hugs)))

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LMR:  It's funny...since I was alone for so long, I wanted to be around people. And now that I am, I find myself wanting some alone time. Just thought I'd tell you in case you feel that way you'll know your not the only one. I figure that sooner or later we will find a balance. 

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7 hours ago, SSC said:

Coming from sunny Nevada @LMR, and now in the UK, will the weather affect your grief?  

It certainly won't help. I hate the cold. We had snow in winter in Nevada but generally we would still get some sunshine every day. Not so here. Sunshine improves everything!

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19 hours ago, tnd said:

since I was alone for so long, I wanted to be around people. And now that I am, I find myself wanting some alone time.

That's how I am, I need a balance, a mixture.  I need to live alone and spend time with people SOME of the time when I feel like it!  Yet I get tired of being alone so much too.  The perfect mix was when my husband was here.  I was never tired of being around him, never wanted away from people.  Others, well it's different.

 

7 hours ago, LMR said:

We had snow in winter in Nevada but generally we would still get some sunshine every day. 

It's so easy to have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  They do treat it with light therapy.  Me, it's not being winter that affects me so much as the hardship that comes with it, hauling firewood, building fires, shoveling snow, slippery falls, storms, power outages, etc.  I always preferred summer to winter but not this year with all of the closeby fires, evacuations, horrific air/smoke, (the worst air quality I'd previously seen was over 700, this year, 2805!)  I just paid $534 for my filters for my air filtrations & vacuum, but they're the only thing that keep me breathing in the summer!  Try to hold on for the bits of sun we get!  Yet with the drought I feel guilty for enjoying the sun!  We NEED the rain!  What a dilemma, but we get what we get and my wishing doesn't change a thing so no need for guilt.

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