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Helping my Sister with the sudden passing of her Husband


JL10

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My sister loss her husband very suddenly. they were both in their mid 30s. They have three children together; 10, 6, and 3. I’m trying to help anyway I can by taking on the funeral arrangements and helping with the kids. What can I do? I know I will never understand what she’s going through nor can I take her pain away. How do I help her when she is still in shock? How do I help her find the strength to tell the kids? She doesn’t want them around and doesn’t know what to say? She’s shutting down. How do I help? What does someone need and want during this time? She’s blaming herself for something no one had control of. Help me help her.

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I think you are wonderful for taking on the things you have already mentioned, helping with the kids and the funeral arrangements. She is lucky to have your support in the midst of this tragedy. My initial response to this would be "There is only so much you can do." I like the sunken ship analogy. After the boat goes down, you're going to be in the water for a while. It's a long way to shore and there really aren't any rescue boats that can get to you soon. Grief necessarily takes time to process. It sucks and there isn't much that can be done to relieve that. That in mind, I would suggest:

  • Remember the adage "Put your own oxygen mask on first" - You too need to take care of yourself. Your ability to sustain your support for her hinges upon you getting the rest, nutrition, and time you need to take care of yourself.
  • Give her an ear and a shoulder, let her talk when she needs to talk, a shoulder to lean on when she needs to cry.
  • My experience with grief is that it is not a linear progression. You make headway, then you slip back, then you gain again - I don't think anyone can predict how long it will be before things lessen enough to be considered manageable.
  • There may be instances where she is angry - don't take her anger personally - at times she may actually not be strong enough to endure company - let her have those days.
  • There is no schedule that needs to be met. You may at times feel she should be further along - but there is nothing to compare to - the journey is going to take the amount of time it takes.

The kids will have to be told eventually. I think some gentle reminders are in order there. Still, so much has happened that is out of her control that letting her make some decisions that restore the sense of control in the middle of chaos are probably a good thing.

Bless you for being you and good luck.

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There are children's books to help explain grief to them in a way they can understand.
Children's Books to Help with Grief
Children's Books About Death and Grief - What's Your Grief
Children-Explaining Death to
Children Books-Lifetimes
Children, Teens & Grief

I hope your sister will see a grief counselor, the children could benefit from one too.  They need to know that their feelings, which can be all over the place, are all valid, even when conflicting.

I am so sorry for all of your loss.  It seems to me that losing one while so young is beyond horrific, one feels robbed and it will be very hard for your sister to see others who still have their spouse, and children their dad.

This is an ever-evolving journey.  I've been on mine for over 16 years, I've read countless books/articles, and been in grief forums daily for that entire time.  I started a grief support group prior to Covid and want to again but now they've shut everything down here again.  Some use Zoom but I'm unable to here (I live in the country mountains).  Perhaps in time your sister could ferret out one to join.

She is still in shock, she will have grief fog for a long while.  

The best thing you can do is try to help the kids and be there for her, listen to her.  You can't fix this, no one can.  There is only learning to live with it, quite a tall order than can take years.  Hopefully she won't turn to drink.  Walking helps.  It helped me to drive out in the woods and scream at the top of my lungs!  I saw wildlife scatter, kind of funny later to think about.  I cried until I had no more tears.  I went through learning everything I could about his taste in music, etc.  I put together a huge collage of pictures of his life.  In the early days I was so busy handling arrangements, funeral prep. etc. I was driven and it kept me occupied.  Returning to work was hard as I couldn't focus (grief brain) I asked my boss to check my work, something I'd never done before.  Be with her and sensitive to her needs.  Come here anytime, and if/when she feels like it, encourage her to as well.

You're a good sister.

Grief Process
Grief brain-loss of mind
Grief Brain-Widows Brain
Widow Brain
Tips to Make Your Way through Grief

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I have ordered a few books to help the children understand the process and wasn’t sure if it’ll help but seeing your suggestions makes me feel better about it. I’m going to read ones for her as well. She is deep in the grief fog. When I ask her questions that make it real for her what is happening she is stuck in a haze. So now I just give her options to pick but not all at once.I will encourage her in the future to come to these forums and seek a support group.

Thank you.

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Grief fog (called by many names, widow's brain, grief brain, etc.) can last a long time, and like brain trauma, it may never be the same as it once was, I feel that's so in my case.  I wish I'd had someone like you when I went through it!  You can't be everything to her though, I'm  learning that about my disabled, dementia ridden sister, it's taking a toll on me.  VERY hard!

Also if she doesn't feel like eating, it helps to have a smoothie, my favorite was spinach, strawberries, bananas, yogurt, granola, orange juice concentrate, protein powder, all the food groups!  I can't have it now because I'm diabetic, but it was a good go to when I didn't feel like cooking/eating.

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