Devastated to lose him

[GrievingD]

Unfortunately I’ve just “joined” this group. My husband just dropped dead from a heart attack 2 weeks ago at age 51. Friends are trying so hard but they really have no clue what’s it like to lose one’s soulmate so young (first widow in the group). To make things worse, my family are all overseas, unable to fly to be here due to COVID. All his family sat separately from me at the memorial service, with one good friend coming and sitting with me. He was the most wonderful man who collected friends everywhere he went but I know I’ll never hear from a bunch of them again as they were “his” friends or they will find it weird to have a “unmarried” friend with all the couples. I joined the forum as I just needed to know others have been through this and understand. Thanks for reading. 

[KayC]

OMG, my husband died of a sudden heart attack with diabetic complications just after his 51st birthday, he was my everything, I didn't meet him until our mid 40s and he was my soulmate and the only one who ever loved me, the only love I ever had that was reciprocal and complete.

My husband's family also was not there for me, he was one of 11 kids (2nd oldest) and only three came to his funeral, his own father electing not to ride with them a mere two hour drive!  I don't get it either.  Every friend we had disappeared overnight, my two "best friends" didn't even come to his funeral!  It's okay to rewrite our friends list when all is said and done.  Our best couples friends never invited me to their house again, nor did they make any payments on the camper they bought from us.  Such is life or something like it.

Yes, unfortunately, you have company in these areas, something I wish none of us had to experience.  It's been 16 years for me, we get through this somehow, as unfathomable as it seems right now.  I hope you'll continue reading/posting, here are the people that "get it" and understand.  I welcome you here although I sure wish you were out enjoying life with your husband instead. 

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[GrievingD]

Trying to take one day at a time, and hold on to God’s promise that He has a plan to give me “hope and a future”. Thinking of the future is just so bleak. The possibility of more years without him then we had together (17) is heartbreaking. He retired 3 years ago when we moved for my job; 2 years in a new house away from everyone. He took care of everything for me; treating me like a precious jewel that he loved to serve. He wrote me poems and love notes every day of our marriage and it’s hard knowing there will be no more expressions of love from him. Watching EMT do CPR with no response for 30+ minutes is something I hope no one else ever has to go through. I’m grateful to have had him and to know he is no longer in pain but feel like it’s so unfair that I don’t have him any more. We truly were two became one. I didn’t even know where to take the car for it’s scheduled appointment today as he just dealt with it. I’m struggling with the thought of having to relearn how to do everything he did to take care of me.

[tnd]

21 hours ago, GrievingD said:

Unfortunately I’ve just “joined” this group. My husband just dropped dead from a heart attack 2 weeks ago at age 51.

GrievingD:  I am sorry for your loss. All of us on here, including myself, know the pain it causes. It's like being struck down by some wicked force. And it is very hard to pick ourselves back up. So that is why I come here, to get support and useful advice that I wasn't getting from anyone else. As much as we'd like our families or friends to be there for us, most are not. But we don't have to go it alone...we are here. Go easy on yourself, try not to think too far ahead and overwhelm yourself. One thing at a time, one moment at a time and then maybe you'll be able to graduate to one day at a time. Take good care of yourself just as best as you can. You have to put yourself first for a while. And come on here whenever you feel like it. Try to rest easy, GrievingD. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, GrievingD said:

He has a plan to give me “hope and a future”.

One of my favorite verses...it's on my Bible cover!  (which is worn out and the zipper doesn't work half the time but I don't want to get a new one, I love Jeremiah 29:11 and I cling to it!

I remember it was hard for me to mow the lawn, bag my groceries, and wash the car, he always did those things.   I get your pain.

[Gail 8588]

GrievingD,

I am so sorry for your loss. The death of your soulmate is a life shattering experience.  So much of your own heart and soul has been ripped out. You feel so broken and vulnerable.  Often your friends and family have no clue how much pain you are in, unless they have experienced a similar loss. 

Sadly, we get it here. Our lives have been shattered too. In sharing our pain, fears, and  stories, we help each other regain our footing and our sanity.

We are so sorry you have reason to join us on this grief journey none of us want to be on, but welcome.  We will provide what comfort we can.  We do at least understand. 

Gail