Will this pain ever go away?

[Dawn Kuzik-Michal]

I lost my husband soulmate of 22 years of ups and down and 5 children mine and all his. We met by chance one night at a dance and have been together since 1997 we were married in 2000. Me with three children and him with two but we made it work. After about 3 years of marriage he adopted all 3 of my children so making them all his. When I met Kenny he was 6 months clean from Alcohol. Over the years we had may issue of alcohol from him and drug addictions of two of our daughters. But for the most part our life was what we made of it. And that was mostly great the last 9 years of our marriage was amazing we never got in fights or argued or called each other names because my father always said if you called someone names that you loved then you really didn’t love them! I always thought my husband as a cat because he has nine lives and let me tell you what he used most of them up prior to his passing in and out of the hospital with pneumonia he had COPD stage four and was really fighting issues with his lungs. So about six months prior to his death we decided that we were going to sell our home that we had lived in for over 20 years and we were going to move to Colorado from Alaska and the deal was between him and I that I had to find a job in Colorado first so on Thanksgiving of 2019 I went to Colorado applied for three jobs had three interviews and got a job within the three days I was here. I went back home and we decided that we would sell the house and I had to report to work in January 2020 on the 13th. I did that and drove to Colorado from Seattle as he stayed in Alaska to finish up the last few things that needed to be done I talk to him on my lunch break which was actually 9 o’clock in the morning his time and he told me everything was good and that he had a little bit of heartburn but was going to go downstairs and take some meds and have some coffee and get the children after school and said to me I love you and I will see you in a few days. I told him I loved him about an hour and a half maybe two hours after this I was in my bosses office and I got a phone call from an Alaska state trooper I answered the phone to them telling me that my husband was deceased and they had tried to work on him for 45 minutes but he had passed away of a massive heart attack at 55 the worst day of my life 1/24/2020. In complete disbelief I drove from work to my daughters still not remembering how I got there and my daughter took charge she got us plane tickets my son-in-law said mom go get those babies and bring them back here and we’ll figure out what we’re gonna do. Within seven days we had put my husband to rest got everything out of the house and returned to Colorado. I got my own place continued my job put the girls in school because at that point we had two children that we had adopted one was 11 And one was 3 1/2. I still mourn him I still have not gotten over his death I don’t know how long it will take but I know that he would not want me to be lonely for the rest of my life but I don’t see me being in any kind of relationship because he was my soulmate. And it is very hard because I don’t believe anybody could measure up to him he was a gentle soul a loving man and an amazing father grandfather brother and husband. I still have not been able to return to church because I can’t understand why God would take him from us and that is a very hard pill to swallow. I do have an amazing support  group with my grown children they have been amazing for the fact that they lost their father and the man that treasured them the most. I don’t know how long it will take me to get over the grief or if the pain will ever go away but I hope someday it will ease. And to whom ever is reading this I offer nothing but blessings and love to you and your family.

[Gail 8588]

Dawn, 

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. 

I am glad you have the support of your grown children. With all that you had to do, making all the arrangements, moving, getting the young children settled and caring for them, you have hardly had any  time to grieve.  It is so difficult to make this transition, to being without your true love. That wasn't the plan.  It is so very unfair. 

I joined this forum about 2 years after my husband had died. I was so lost.  Posting and reading other posts on this forum helped me through some very difficult times.  I hope you are able to find some comfort here as well. 

We are all very sorry you have reason to join us on this grief journey that none of us want to be on, but welcome.

Gail

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  When I read the heartburn part I thought oho-oh because my husband came home from work early "with heartburn" right before my sister's reunion, after I'd left he drove himself to the doctor who sent him by ambulance to the hospital, he wouldn't let them call me because he "didn't want to ruin my weekend!"  I heard from his friend and my sister wouldn't drive me the 4 1/2 hours to the hospital, I had to wait two days because SHE wanted to stay and gamble (I don't)!  That's the same sister I'm not caring for who has disability, blind, dementia.  It's very hard.  I got to see my husband very briefly at the hospital then they moved him to ICU, when they finally let me in he was asleep, woke up having a heart attack, I ran for the nurse' station, the doctors came running, a nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door.  I found a room to pray in, an hour later four doctors came down the hall and I knew.

That was 16 years ago Father's Day 2005.  I didn't see how I could live one week without him, he was my world!  Here I am 16 years later, I don't know how except I've learned to take one day at a time, any more than that is too much.  I don't want to know the future, today is enough.

My heart goes out to you, that early grief is the hardest.  It doesn't stay in the same intensity forever, thank God, we couldn't handle it if it did, our bodies are amazing in how we eventually get used to things and begin to adjust, I'd have never believed it possible.  That doesn't mean it's easy, we always love and miss them, we don't "move on" from this, our lives have changed the moment they died.  But we do learn to get through this, I can't say how, the timetable is unique to each of us, just as our relationships were, so is our journeys.

I hope you'll continue coming here and expressing yourself, reading/posting, it helps us process our grief.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Dawn Kuzik-Michal said:

I still have not been able to return to church because I can’t understand why God would take him from us and that is a very hard pill to swallow.

I understand, it was hard for me to go back too because we always went together, me up on the platform leading worship in song, him my biggest fan and admirer smiling from the nearly back pew because of his social anxiety.  We were perfect together and so lucky to have found each other, we clicked instantly and always understood each other.  Although like any relationship it wasn't perfect, it was perfect for us.  Feeling God is a million miles away is common in early grief, we can't understand why we lost them, I figure if He could explain it to me I still wouldn't get it or agree so no sense in trying to explain it to me!  It took me about a year and then I realized God had carried me through this, literally, I hadn't seen/felt Him because the grief was too thick.    Try not to worry about these feelings, He's there, even if you don't feel or understand it. 

Sending you much love and hugs!

[April Ballou]

Tomorrow will be a year since my first love, my best friend,  my husband,  my everything died.   Henry Darrell  Ballou , I spent 38 years of my life with and now I'm so alone.  When do the tears stop?  When do you stop missing the one and only man that I loved?  What am I going to do?  I'm so upset.  I cant think, it's like I'm reliving that horrible day all over again.  It's the nightmares,  I hate that's the devil.  I hate that devil.  God please help me.

[annie123]

April,

Thoughts and prayers to you.  Virtual (Hugs) too.  

 

 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Tomorrow will be a year since my first love, my best friend,  my husband,  my everything died.   Henry Darrell  Ballou , I spent 38 years of my life with and now I'm so alone.  When do the tears stop?  When do you stop missing the one and only man that I loved?  What am I going to do?  I'm so upset.  I cant think, it's like I'm reliving that horrible day all over again.  It's the nightmares,  I hate that's the devil.  I hate that devil.  God please help me.

Hi April.  I wrote a post to you in the other thread, just in case you don't see it. 

It does sometimes feel like the devil (evil in general, I guess) is laughing at us, at our pain.  Try to remember that evil can only triumph if we let it.  There's a line from a show I like that has stuck with me.  At the end of the episode, when our protagonists have triumphed at a tremendous cost, one character reminds them that "evil wins battles, never wars."  As long as you keep your love for Darrell uppermost in your heart, the devil can never triumph.  I understand that it can feel as if God has vanished, as if our prayers aren't heard.  IMO, it's more than okay to be angry with God just now.  A loving God is strong enough to accept our love and our anger.  We're not perfect and we're not meant to be.

I think you will probably miss Darrell every day for the rest of your life.  I know with certainty that I will miss John just as much on the day I die as I did the first morning I woke up knowing I was truly alone.  But over time, that missing, the loneliness and pain, have lightened somewhat so that I am not smothered by it like I was the first couple of years.  All of my grief is evolving as I learn to carry it forward with me, along with my love and memories.  I hate that this is such a cliche, but so far I've found it to be true:  It takes time, lots of time.  Time doesn't "heal everything," but it does allow us to learn to co-exist with our grief.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping you find the answer to a prayer or two. ((HUGS))

[KayC]

April, my heart is with you today, I know this is hard, no way to be prepared for it.

[April Ballou]

Thanks everyone.  This forum has helped me.  Knowing we all are going through the same thing.  Missing our loved one.  

[KayC]

I hope someone remembers you today, we all need support, if not, remember WE love you and are here for you!

[Gail 8588]

April, 

It's such a hard day.  Too many bad memories. Too many shattered dreams and plans. Wish I could give you a hug. 

Thinking of you.

Gail

[April Ballou]

I guess people felt sorry for me when they saw my Facebook post.  I got a phone call from Darrells  mother and 3 text messages, people checking on me.  Makes me wonder what would have happened if I didnt post anything on Facebook.   I did because I miss the love of my life.   Miss that smile, those eyes, and just him,  Darrell I love you.

[Gail 8588]

I am glad people did reach out to you. The Facebook post was a good thing.  It's okay to let people know you are in pain, missing him so much. 

 

[SSC]

April,

As I sit in my silent home writing this post my heart is with you today.  My mother passed away a year ago, the same day you lost your husband.  I lost my husband almost 3 years ago.  For me, the pain has not subsided.  Everyday is a struggle but especially more so on these “anniversary days”. 

Thank you for sharing your happy photo with us.  It is my fervent hope that one day we will all be reunited with our loved ones and share a joy more profound than anything we can imagine!

[KayC]

I love this picture of you and your husband, so happy, it's as we were.  And I'm glad you let them know how you were feeling, people are truly wanting to do something I think but don't want to do the wrong thing and unsure of how to respond.  I agree with Gail, it's okay to let them know how you feel.  

[April Ballou]

Thanks to you all.  

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I love this picture of you and your husband, so happy, it's as we were.  And I'm glad you let them know how you were feeling, people are truly wanting to do something I think but don't want to do the wrong thing and unsure of how to respond.  I agree with Gail, it's okay to let them know how you feel.  

Agreed.  I've noticed that in addition to the love that simply radiates out, there's a contentment and a general ease of being together in the pictures members post here.  It speaks to connections and bonds that are far deeper than can be expressed in words.  That's part of why we grieve so deeply, IMO.  Yet, John was worth everything to me and I'd jump in with my whole heart all over again.

[Diane R. E.]

Wonderful picture April - thank you for sharing!

[LMR]

Love the photo. I can see he was a lovely guy. He has that twinkle!

[April Ballou]

Thanks.  Darrell was a great man.

[annie123]

The anniversary of my husbands death is coming up next month, October 10.  But, one year ago today,  is the day that my husband went into the hospital and he never came back home.  He went in to get a stent put in his leg and had complication after complication.  He was there for 30 days.  He suffered a sudden cardiac arrest on day 29, I never got to say goodbye to him..  The doctors said that he would not recover.  So, I made the tough heartbreaking decision to take him off of life support, he would never have wanted to be on life support  and I had his paperwork to support that decision, but, sometimes, I feel like I should have left him on it.  I feel so guilty sometimes, what if the doctors were wrong, what if there was a chance that he could have recovered.  I am so sad, tears are falling as I write this.  I wonder if I will always feel this way.  I often second guess my decision.

Some days are better than others and then.....some days I fall apart like today.

[Gail 8588]

Annie,

I am so sorry you are falling apart today. 

I know it doesn't help to hear that others have felt as you do now.  But I am beginning to think this is part of grief brain that so many of us experience.  Our brains struggling to figure out why? who is to blame? and it defaults that it must be us.  If only we had done this or that differently. 

For years after my husband's death, I was consumed with guilt, that I had made all the wrong decisions, it was my fault he was gone. 

It was people on this website that told me I had to accept that I was only human.  I didn't have a crystal ball to see the future.  I relied on medical experts who gave me their best advice. I made the best decision I could at that time with the information I had.  I needed to let myself off the hook for his death.  I was not to blame. 

My husband had a stroke and was in the hospital for 25 days. I had to sign to take him off of life support.  It broke my heart. 

It took me a long time to let go of my feelings of guilt.  I hope you do not wrestle with guilt for as long as I did. 

You made the best decisions you could with the information you had.  Your husband knows you love him, that you didn't want him to die.  He left directives that he didn't want to be maintained on life support.  You did all that you could. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[April Ballou]

@annie123 I know exactly what your going through.  I took Darrell to the hospital and due to covid I couldn't stay I had to go home.  They said he had covid.   Three weeks and three days later I had to make the decision to turn off the ventilator. That's what was keeping him alive.  That was the hardest decision that I ever had to make.  I'm like you I ask myself  " was it the right decision?"  After talking to my kids and his mom, yes it was the right decision.   I will keep you in my prayers.   We are all here here for you.  (Hugs)

[KayC]

14 hours ago, annie123 said:

one year ago today,  is the day that my husband went into the hospital and he never came back home.

I'm so sorry, Annie.  These memories haunt us.  I'll never forget any part of that last weekend.

To hear what you guys have been through breaks my heart.  I'm glad George wasn't on life support, that must be the most painful decision ever but there's no doubt you made the only decision you could, no one wants to live indefinitely that way, unable to communicate or breathe on your own...basically it's the body going through the motions but not totally alive either.  I'm sorry you had your hearts ripped out. 

[Diane R. E.]

Annie, Gail, And April; I'm with you as well. My husband went into the hospital on Sep 6, 2020 and passed away Oct 6, 2020. He went in with a clot in his right femoral artery but before they could address it, he had to have his aortic valve replaced and 3 coronary stints placed. He coded in the OR but they were able to resuscitate him. After that he also had one complication after another. They finally did surgery on his right leg on Oct 5, but he went downhill after that and was intubated that night. In the morning the doctor told me it would be futile to do CPR if his heart stopped so I agreed not to have them do so. His heart stopped about 1:00 that afternoon and I still feel guilty that I agreed to no CPR. At least I was able to be with him every day at the hospital and was with him when he passed away. But it still hurts like crazy ...

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I know it doesn't help to hear that others have felt as you do now.  But I am beginning to think this is part of grief brain that so many of us experience.  Our brains struggling to figure out why? who is to blame? and it defaults that it must be us.  If only we had done this or that differently. 

For years after my husband's death, I was consumed with guilt, that I had made all the wrong decisions, it was my fault he was gone. 

Same here.  Every day I would ask myself, "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." and on and on.  I'm the one here, so I told myself that I must be the one to blame for John dying.  I had to be my fault, didn't it?  The fact is that I am only a flawed human who loved and loves her husband with every fiber of my being.  And that will have to be enough.

It's taken me a long time to get through some of my guilt and sort out what I could or should have done better from things over which I had no control or that I didn't know.  I'm still working on it and may be for a very long time.  I've always been really good at taking on guilt for every little thing, so it's really hard for me to forgive myself, even though I long ago forgave John for any faults and foibles of his own. 

@annie123  Believe me, you are not alone in questioning yourself.  I think it's all part of grieving such a life and heart shattering loss.

[KayC]

I was gone on my sister's reunion when my husband went into the hospital, he wouldn't let them know.  When our friend called and let me know, my sister wouldn't drive me there, I was 4 1/2 hours away from home with no car (same sister who has dementia now that I've been taking care of the last year).  She wouldn't drive me there for TWO DAYS!  It was torture.  She wanted to "stay and gamble."  (I don't gamble)  I missed that last weekend with him due to her.  I understand she has a gambling addiction but that's to the umpth degree.  The hospital decided to move him after I got there, when they allowed me in finally he was asleep...he woke up having a heart attack!  I ran for help, they came and threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  I never saw him alive again.  He meant everything to me.

No part of any of this is easy. 

 

[April Ballou]

@KayC that's messed up.  The hospital thinks they know what's best but in the long run they dont.  It's like the way they did me with Darrell, not letting me see him until the last few days, but just through a glass door.  I just wonder if it would have been different if the would have let me in to at least touch him, even with gloves, I dont know.  I know it doesn't matter.   It's one of the many other questions or decisions that make you wonder.  It's all so messed up for us all.  

[KayC]

My heart goes out to everyone losing someone in Covid times...it was hard enough back when I went through it.  I''ll never claim to understand hospitals, I try to avoid them as much as possible!