Complicated grief

[Selenaa]

I lost my boyfriend 16 days ago. He died on Aug 16th because of Covid. He was only 35. He was so obsessed and in love with me I can't even explain. There was never fights, arguments or problems. It was just the two of us, we were so happy and in love. We would hangout all day, watch movies, eat food etc. We didn't have any friends or do things with other people, it was totally just me and him, our relationship was totally private and secret. Since the day he passed away I been experiencing complicated grief which is getting worse everyday, all I think about is killing myself soon so I can join him. It's the only thought that makes me feel comfortable and kinda happy. He was my only friend, only happiness and reason to live. I don't think I can live this life without him and neither want to. Am done with everything, just want to go join him. I know these thoughts are not ok and I know am in depression but I don't want to go to therapy, neither have any friends or someone to be next to me at these moments. I know I won't survive without him....

[Gail 8588]

Selenaa,

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is incomprehensible when we lose the love of our lives. For your love to be taken so young, so unexpectedly, you must be in disbelief. 

Your grief is so fresh and raw, it is an accomplishment to simply get through the day. Try not to think about the past or future. It is too overwhelming to think of all that you shared and the plans you had. Just try to stay in the present moment.  What tasks do you have to do today? What do you have to do this hour?  Focus on concrete tasks that need to be done.  I need to feed the dog and take him for a walk, I need to go to work and try to focus on that, or whatever it is that you need to do  today.  Everything else can wait.

Somedays all you can do is cry and eat a little.  Try to be kind to yourself. It's okay to get nothing accomplished some days. 

Your friends and family may not understand the depth of your grief as they have never experienced having their whole life shattered into a million pieces.  We get it. Our lives have been shattered too. 

Come here to vent, cry, question or just read posts of others. It helps to know that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

We are all so sorry you have reason to join us, but welcome. 

Gail

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband over 16 years ago, we continue to love and miss them, he was everything in the world to me and it was unexpected/sudden, he was barely 51 and we didn't meet until our mid-40s.  Those early days were the worst, I didn't see how I could live without him, but here I am.  In that early grief it's all we can do to breathe, get dressed it seems.  Be very understanding and patient with yourself.  It can help to get professional help.  My other site the adm. is a grief counselor and personal friend of mine, my mentor over the years, I've learned so much from her, I don't see how I could have made it without her, I'm very grateful for that site and always will be!  Feel free to contact her any time, she will respond.  She published my tips article, I hope you will save/print it and keep it because this is an ever evolving journey that changes and even if you don't relate right now to some of the things, you will on down the road.  All of our time tables are unique, and thus our journeys as well.

I'm so sorry for your pain, it's something we never forget, ever.  It really does help to have someone to express yourself to that "gets it" as those who have not had such profound loss cannot begin to understand although they may care and try to.

I do hope you'll continue to come here and read/post.  

Tips to Make Your Way through Grief

[KayC]

I think it's common to feel suicidal in early grief, many of us have...then I realized it wasn't so much that I wished to be dead as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through to live!  That and I had zero motivation to live.

Suicide: Read This First
Thoughts Of Suicide in Grief
Suicidal Thoughts

Also, read here, a very special poem:  https://blog.aftertalk.com/the-turning-point-an-inspirational-quote-8-2-18/