Hanging on a thread

[Kris C]

Today, I am barely hanging on. I woke up at 4am and started doing the laundry, cleaned our kids car seats, organized my car, and ended up in our bedroom curled up in a ball then cried for missing him too much. Taking my own life is starting to cripple back in. I tried to shake it off by cleaning the kitchen. But, all I had in mind was that I wanted to die. I finished cleaning, went back in our bedroom and repeat. Curled up in a ball, missed him, and keep thinking about dying. There are days that I am able to function but there days that I want to vanish. The pain sometimes is bearable but also there are days when it’s excruciating. I miss him. I miss us. I miss talking to him. I miss our conversations, our fights, our laughters, our wrestling match, our tickle fights, and just everything that we always do. I miss him and there’s nothing I can do to have him back. There are days that I’m in a bubble with him but that bubble pops sometimes. Then I realize he’s not here anymore. I can only fool myself to an extent. My heart is in so much pain, my life turned upside down, and my reality turned into my worst nightmare. People would say I’m young and we don’t know what the future holds. That is one of the worst things I have to hear. People would say be strong for our kids but even my kids can’t hold me back. I was once a very passionate, loving, and dedicated mother. I lost it all. The moment I lost him, I died with him. 

[Gail 8588]

Kris C, 

I am sorry you are in such pain.  I never would have believed how excrutiatingly painful grief could be if I had not experienced it myself.  

It is too painful to think about the future, because it seems impossible that there is a future.  It is too painful to think about the past, as it can never be restored.  You have to try to just focus on today, the things that have to be done today. Today, you have to feed your children, walk the dog, shower and brush your teeth (you have the list of what actually has to be done today).  For now the "must do today list" is often more than you can actually accomplish.  It is so hard to focus on anything.  But for now, just try to get through today, sometimes just this hour, or just this moment. Be kind to yourself. Eat something nutritious and drink  plenty of water. Crying is very dehydrating. 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Your grief will evolve. It will not always hurt this much.

Hugs

Gail 

[John9]

Kris C,

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling and in my own way I know how you feel. I lost my whole world when my soulmate of 34 years died suddenly and totally unexpectedly and for me it is a struggle to do what I need to do everyday but I do seem to do it somehow. I have found that this site does help me because so many who respond have been through it and can help in the context of what it was like for them. I seem to be at a different stage than most as it seems harder each day than the day before but I am still here. I miss my wife more and more each day and I don't think that will ever change. I believe that you will find the strength for the children and I hope you have support from family to help you. I miss everything that you listed too and I talk to her everyday and all day and I wake up crying, I cry all day, and I go to bed crying and I keep talking to her and maybe one day soon I will be allowed to be with her again. Just keep coming back here to vent, write, ask, answer, cry or whatever it takes to make it through this terrible thing that has happened to "us" who are here for each other.

[KayC]

Kris, thoughts of suicide are common in early grief, the thought occurred to most of us, but then I finally realized it wasn't so much that I wanted to die as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through if I lived.  Keep coming here and posting, vent, cry scream, it's okay .  I used to go out in the woods and scream at the top of my lungs!  I remembering seeing wild animals flee out of my peripheral vision!  Probably scared off some bear and cougar a time or two!  But it helps to express yourself.

Thoughts Of Suicide in Grief
Suicide: Read This First
Suicidal Thoughts in Grief
Befrienders Worldwide | Emotional support to prevent suicide worldwide

[Roxeanne]

13 hours ago, Kris C said:

People would say be strong for our kids but even my kids can’t hold me back. I was once a very passionate, loving, and dedicated mother. I lost it all. The moment I lost him, I died with him. 

Kris i know is really hard...it's unbearable! But please remember that your kids need you...they lost already their father! Please be strong for them...they are grieving too, take care of them...in them you can find a hope, a reason to live...Please hold on for them!

Hugs

[hgb]

16 hours ago, Kris C said:

People would say I’m young and we don’t know what the future holds. That is one of the worst things I have to hear. People would say be strong for our kids but even my kids can’t hold me back. I was once a very passionate, loving, and dedicated mother. I lost it all. The moment I lost him, I died with him. 

I am so sorry that you are going through all this, but I can totally relate to it. We don’t have kids, my husband IS the eldest son in the family. So people do tell me that I have to stay strong and take up his roles and responsibilities and take care of his aging parents and younger sibling.

In my current state of mind, I feel totally helpless. I can barely take care of myself at the moment without family support. But yes, there are moments which makes me think that I do have to live for my husband, fulfill his dreams and be a son to his parents.

That said, it is easy to think that way and it take just a minute before everything comes crashing down again!!

 

[steveb]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Your grief will evolve. It will not always hurt this much.

Kris C,

Gail’s post is absolutely spot on.   

Coming to this site gave me strength, and just as important, insight into my pain and grief.  Please keep us updated on how you are doing.  We are here for you. God bless … Steve.