Lost forever

[Diane R. E.]

hgb; I wish I had an answer for you. I too felt as you do at 4 months, so I made myself follow a routine of daily activities, and I even dressed, put on makeup, and did my hair, even if I wasn't going anywhere that day. Coming to this forum to read and post was (and still is) a big part of that routine. I am retired, so in the afternoons I focused on a project that I had planned to do once I retired. There are still times occasionally when I feel like I can't do this anymore, but they are less frequent now at 11 months out. Please take care of yourself physically - at 4 months you still need to take one day at a time. (((Hugs)))

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, hgb said:

. . .
If anyone could guide me what exactly I do, maybe that would help. Thanks!

Hgb, 

I don't know that anyone can tell you what you need to do to find your way.  There is no set of instructions to be followed.  

Additionally, I think there may be important religious and  cultural differences with how one processes grief. 

And lastly, everyone's time line can be very different. 

You are in India I am in the US. I am not sure how much of my path would be applicable to you, but I will share some of my journey. 

I was very lost in dispair for 3 years.  I desperately wanted to get "better", not be in such pain and hopelessness.  But I couldn't find a path out of my darkness. Beginning in my 4th year, I felt I had to change, I could not survive any longer like this. 

I implemented several changes, that I hoped would get me to a better place. 

First, I asked my doctor for a sleeping aid, as I was only sleeping 3 to 4 hours a night.  Constant sleep deprivation was impairing my ability to think and act. 

Second, I tried to put more structure in my life. Wake up at a reasonable hour, make my bed (so I wouldn't just crawl back into it), do something productive in the day. Go to sleep at a reasonable hour.  

I live alone and am retired, so I didn't have any externally imposed structure.  Having no schedule did not help me in those early years. 

Third, I tried to learn something new.  I selected learning the piano.  The idea was to reset my brain with the possibility that there could be something new in the future for me.  My life was not done.  

Fourth, I looked for something good, and when I saw it, I verbally acknowledged it. It could be something small and insignificant, like seeing a butterfly in my yard.  But the more I looked for and saw good things, the easier it was to see them.  

For example I have a lot of camilia bushes in my yard. But the first 2 years I lived in this house I never saw the flowers.   They were blooming, I just never saw them because I was so depressed.  I was astounded at how beautiful and abundant the flowers were on my 5 camellia bushes when I finally noticed them. 

I don't know if any of these steps will be applicable in your life.  I don't know if they contributed to my processing of my grief, or if I was just ready to evolve to a new way of being. 

I still miss my husband, and always will. My life is harder alone.  But I have transitioned out of that dark dispair to a life I can actually live.  I still have waves of grief, a song I hear, an anniversary, his absence at the christening of our grandchild. But I also have joy and laughter again in my life. 

Your journey will be uniquely your own. But have faith that it won't stay this painful forever.  Your grief will  evolve into something you can live with. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[KayC]

On 8/28/2021 at 8:11 AM, hgb said:

I don’t have the will and strength to go on like this anymore.

I wouldn't expect you would right now.  You don't know how long it took me for things to have any glimmer of hope, I think most of us can say the same.  Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief!  That's why it's so important to hold one until the time when anything makes you smile even for a moment.  

Suicidal Thoughts in Grief
Suicidal Thoughts

Would you consider grief counseling and if not, how about a grief support group?  It really helps to get together with other widows that understand what you're going through.  Ours used to meet and then go out for lunch, we felt a close bond with each other.