Lost forever

[hgb]

Hi, I have been a part of this forum for few days now, reading post from others realising that I am not alone in this world with these feelings. This is my first post. Have been trying to gather strength to share my feelings. Yet I feel so lonely and lost all the time. 
I am just 33, lost my loving husband, my everything my world this May 2021 (I don’t think I would be able to share my tragic story today).

I am totally shattered to the core. Don’t see a point in living anymore. We didn’t had any kids. It is scary to think about future every day.

I have been taking one day at a time approach, but that isn’t helping. I feel I am on auto pilot mode, doing everything in a robotic manner, with each day passing just because it can’t be stopped. Don’t think I would ever be happy again.Actually happy is a positive word, I don’t even feel okay anymore. 
He is my only friend, we used to share everything with each other. Didn’t thought I was going to survive a single day without him, but it would be 4 months soon. But all these days, I haven’t lived a single day. It’s like the days and nights just keeps on coming and going.

We were together for 16 years, We learned most of the things together. I have spent almost half of my life with him. Nothing means anything without him. I am so lonely now. Don’t know what to do. 
I have lost my faith in god. None of my prayers were answered. I am so devastated. I have read many posts from @KayC, especially the one with some valuable tips about how to go on. I don’t have the will and strength to go on like this anymore. I often wish about dying in sleep, and never waking up. 
Don’t want to live anymore, but won’t commit suicide either.

I fear I will forget him over time. I already don’t remember a lot of things from college days. I have no hope of things getting better over time. I am just a wreck, full of every negativity one could imagine. 
It is painful to see elder couples together when we were just starting our lives. It is painful to see a young couple with a baby, reminding me of a dream that could never turn into reality now.

I hate everything about this life now.

[Roxeanne]

Dear Hgb i am so sorry you have to live the terrible experience of grief so young!

I only want to say that all of us felt your emotions, the despair the lack of meaning and purpose the awful absence of your love so important for you...your wonderful life with him that seem a dream that vanished in a distance....and all you want is him back!

We all know that words are useless in front a terrifying pain you 're feeling now

We understand and we are here to comfort you in some ways.

Take good care of you!

Hugs

 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, hgb said:

Nothing means anything without him.

That is how we've all felt in the early months/years.  Please give yourself the time you need to honor your loss and make it through this hardest period, it does take much time to process this, it's hard to imagine anything good ever coming our way when we're at our darkest moments.

3 hours ago, hgb said:

I often wish about dying in sleep, and never waking up. 

Yep!  Also very "normal" in grief/loss.

3 hours ago, hgb said:

I fear I will forget him over time.

It's been 16 years for me and I haven't forgotten him, try to lay aside those worries.  It does seem like an eternity since he was here, or like a far away movie I once watched.  I've been alone so long now...  I remember but it seems remote somehow.

3 hours ago, hgb said:

It is painful to see elder couples together when we were just starting our lives.

Yes, it still is hard, it seem so unfair when we love/d each other so much and other couples still remain regardless of how their relationship is.  I just learned that someone said I must have done something really bad to have such calamities strike me (loss of husband, taking care of disabled sister with dementia, now fires threaten our homes).  No, just some people are luckier than others it seems.

3 hours ago, hgb said:

I have lost my faith in god. None of my prayers were answered.

That is also common in early grief, I felt God was a million miles away for the first year, and I had always been an avid pray-er.  I finally realized it wasn't that He was absent but I couldn't see Him through the thick cloud of my grief.  He actually carried me although I couldn't see it.

[KayC]

Tips to Make Your Way through Grief

[hgb]

3 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Dear Hgb i am so sorry you have to live the terrible experience of grief so young!

I only want to say that all of us felt your emotions, the despair the lack of meaning and purpose the awful absence of your love so important for you...your wonderful life with him that seem a dream that vanished in a distance....and all you want is him back!

We all know that words are useless in front a terrifying pain you 're feeling now

We understand and we are here to comfort you in some ways.

Take good care of you!

Hugs

 

@Roxeanne : Thank you for your kind words. It feels good to be understood. None of my family members can understand what I am going through right now. I feel like an alien in my home.

[hgb]

37 minutes ago, KayC said:

I just learned that someone said I must have done something really bad to have such calamities strike me (loss of husband, taking care of disabled sister with dementia, now fires threaten our homes).  No, just some people are luckier than others it seems.

That’s too horrible !! One of my relatives told me that whatever has happened to me is the result of something bad done by me in my previous birth, and my husband came in our lives to avenge the wrongs done to him by us! Seriously??

[hgb]

40 minutes ago, KayC said:

That is how we've all felt in the early months/years.  Please give yourself the time you need to honor your loss and make it through this hardest period, it does take much time to process this, it's hard to imagine anything good ever coming our way when we're at our darkest moments.

I try and fail every day. I don’t see any hope or light on the other end. It’s like a dark world forever. People say “good time don’t last forever neither do bad time”. Can’t really understand how can this bad time ever go. I can’t have him back, then it means there’s no end to my bad time. Sorry for the vent.

 

[Kris C]

The life you’re living right now insight be the same for me after a few months of my fiancé’s passing and that scares me. I am also in my early 30’s and I felt your pain and agony. I want to give comfort but I am definitely not the right person to give that right now. I guess I’m just responding to this because we are both in so much pain.

[Gail 8588]

Hgh, 

No need to be sorry for posting about your pain, fear, anger, whatever you are feeling.  We get how totally devastating this is. 

It is completely understandable that you feel your life can never get better, because he is gone forever. Many of us have felt, and some still feel, the same way. This is grief. 

None of us will get over our loss, it will be with us for the rest of our lives. But our grief does evolve, and we learn to live in this new, terrible reality.  

For me, it's been 4 and a half years, and I have just started really living again. We each have unique circumstances and I had challenges that you don't have, so don't think your grief journey will take as long as mine. There is no standard time table for this. 

You are not alone in how you are feeling.  It helped me a lot to be able to talk honestly here about how much I was hurting.  No one around me in my real life could understand, as they had never lost their soulmate.  It was a great comfort to me to find people on this forum that understood what I was going through. 

I am so sorry for your loss that brought you to this forum. I hope you will find some comfort here, as I did. 

Gail

[KayC]

18 hours ago, hgb said:

That’s too horrible !! One of my relatives told me that whatever has happened to me is the result of something bad done by me in my previous birth, and my husband came in our lives to avenge the wrongs done to him by us! Seriously??

Wow!  That's awful!  I'd be cutting off that relative (but that's just me), who needs that!  I'm so sorry. 

18 hours ago, hgb said:

I don’t see any hope or light on the other end. It’s like a dark world forever.

Of course you can't, it hasn't give you cause to see any glimmer of light...it's there, we just can't see it, for a very long while.  Meanwhile, if anything brings a smile to your face, not only allow it but embrace it without guilt...we need all we can get.  And it may be a while before feeling even that.

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

None of us will get over our loss, it will be with us for the rest of our lives. But our grief does evolve, and we learn to live in this new, terrible reality.  

This is aptly put!  In the beginning I did not see how I could live without him for one week (now it's been 16 years), sometimes I had to survive it by pretending he is on a trip to see his grandma, but after a while harsh reality comes crashing in, I went through times of feeling robotic, it was hard focusing at work, I definitely was not the same employee after than I had been before.  It's kind of like living with brain trauma, it definitely leaves its mark.  But our bodies are truly amazing what they adjust to as we learn to cope, so little by little as to seem imperceptible.  Until one day we look back a few years to day one and we can see the marked difference.  The only time comparing can be a good thing.   Meanwhile try not to worry, it takes what it takes, as a man named Darrell (ole Misfit) used to say, "One foot in front of the other."  One day at a time has been my motto all these years and the only way I can deal with things still.  I try not to think too hard about all I am missing.  Pictures/our music are hard for me still.

 

[hgb]

16 hours ago, Kris C said:

The life you’re living right now insight be the same for me after a few months of my fiancé’s passing and that scares me. I am also in my early 30’s and I felt your pain and agony. I want to give comfort but I am definitely not the right person to give that right now. I guess I’m just responding to this because we are both in so much pain.

I am so sorry that we have to face this grief when our lives just started. It’s simply not fair!

[hgb]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But our grief does evolve, and we learn to live in this new, terrible reality. 

Does it gets real? I feel as if I am living a fake life currently, pretending to be someone I am not. Or may be that’s the new me!!

I used to be happy and funny (like a kid) around my family, but now I don’t recognise myself anymore. Sometimes the face in the mirror doesn’t seems to belong to me. That’s scary.

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

  It was a great comfort to me to find people on this forum that understood what I was going through. 

I am not very good at expressing myself in writing. I fear that I may end up being hated by everyone in this group. I know people here are very helpful and compassionate, and this is just one of my baseless fears, but can’t shake it off. It’s just that I am full of insecurities and can’t imagine good coming from direction. 
 

Really sorry, but means no disrespect to anyone on this forum.

[Gail 8588]

21 minutes ago, hgb said:

Does it gets real? I feel as if I am living a fake life currently, 

Hgb, 

It didn't feel real for a long time for me.  I was a zombie, walking dead. Nothing felt real. I had no emotional  connection to life. 

It was scary for me too. 

I knew what a real human was supposed to feel, I just didn't feel it.  I knew what a real human was supposed to say, and I often said those "appropriate" words but they were hollow to me.  

About 2 years after my husband died my first grandchild was born.  I knew what I was supposed to feel, joy. But I felt nothing.  That was really scary to me.  Was I never going to feel anything again?  If this didn't reach me, was I really dead inside? 

My rational brain kept telling me, all the millions of people who have lost their spouse can not possibly have all lived the remainder of their lives in this zombie state. They must have gotten better some how.  If I just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, surely I will walk my way back to life. 

It took me into my 4th year to start to feel some actual connection to the world again. 

I can say I have made it to a point where life seems real again. I still miss my husband, but I am no longer the walking dead. 

Don't be discouraged that my journey took so long. We all have unique circumstances. I think my peculiar situation contributed to my being lost for so long.  You very well may find your way back to life more quickly.  There is no set path or timetable for this. 

Hugs

Gail 

[KayC]

Grief does change us, but some of who you are may return in time, meanwhile don't worry about how it's affecting you, try to just get through today.  

It took me probably a good three years just to process my grief, it took me longer to learn to live with it and be totally on my own, but I've done it.  We're all going to vary as to how we handle things and our timetables..

I remember having the same thoughts/feelings as you.  

[Diane R. E.]

On 8/29/2021 at 11:04 AM, hgb said:

I fear that I may end up being hated by everyone in this group.

hgb; that will never happen on this forum. You have found a safe place to express whatever you are feeling. Your brain has enough to deal with just in processing your grief so please don't worry about offending us. We are here for you. (((Hugs)))

[April Ballou]

@hgb we all have to deal with grief in our own way.   No matter how you look at it, it stinks losing the love of your life.  My husband Darrell and I were married 38 years  and it wasnt enough.  Next week will be a year since he died.  And I hate the fact that I am alone.  Just recently I was at a family get together and I felt like and outsider.  I dont have anybody , my children are grown and have families of their own.   It seems like all I can do is mess up.  I cant do anything right.  I pray everyday and I cry with wishing he was alive and I was dead.  I know his family would be happier.   I dont have any brothers or sisters or parents of my own.  They all are Darrells.  They still call me family but it doesn't feel the same as it did.  I'm sorry for venting but I know that this is what the forum is for.  I really hate this life, if that's what you call what I have now.  I am sorry for your loss.  I'm sorry for all of our loss.  

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

hgb; that will never happen on this forum. You have found a safe place to express whatever you are feeling. Your brain has enough to deal with just in processing your grief so please don't worry about offending us. We are here for you. (((Hugs)))

I meant to say that, thank you for expressing, my brain/forgetfulness!

18 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I dont have anybody

Oh Hon, I feel that way too, the longer time goes by the more alone I feel, kids gone, rarely see, friends disappeared at death, made new ones, Covid sent me back to square one with the aloneness.  I thank God for my neighbors and Kodie, I visit the neighbors whether they like it or not! 

 

[hgb]

Whenever I think of sharing something on this forum I feel awkward and guilty. Firstly, I used to share everything with my husband, literally EVERYTHING. Now it’s just that I have to share what I am feeling for him and myself with complete strangers. Can’t digest this fact myself. It isn’t ME!

Secondly, I used to be a very funny and kid like person (especially with my husband). Many other people aren’t aware of this aspect of my personality. I am over sensitive and gets disturbed easily. He was the one to calm me every time. He used to ask me not to watch stuff like Crime patrol or Law and order as I do get affected by these. He knew me more than I know myself. He would have definitely asked me not to read through posts on forum like these (no offence please) as this would have caused more pain than helping me. 
I know I am reading and posting stuff against his wishes but I don’t know what to do. But yes, I admit I do get upset and there have been multiple occasions when I have recently spent entire night tossing and turning in bed, thinking or trying to push away thoughts about my post on this forum.

I have completely lost it. Please help!

[Gail 8588]

Hgb,

I think this is likely the most difficult transition we will ever make in our lives. The transition from being part of a 2 person soulmate bond, to being a single individual again.  During all of our other transitions, from child to adult, from single to married, from childless to a parent, etc, we had the support and guidance of others. For this transition, the one person who we depended on for support and guidance is gone. 

I was hugely dependent on my husband (and he was on me).  When he died I felt I didn't know how to do anything without him. Everything was so much more difficult.  I was also filled with fears, that I could be the victim of crime, that I could have an accident, I could become ill, etc.  How could I survive without my protecter, a caregiver, the one person who could always calm my fears? I couldn't sleep. I could never get my brain to stop, until I would just collapse from exhaustion and worry. 

But as months rolled by, I wasn't the victim of any crime, I didn't have any serious accidents, I didn't fall ill. Eventually my fears subsided.  I could see that somehow I was surviving day to day, month to month, year to year.  I didn't really feel alive. I was a zombie much of the time, just going through the motions of living.  But I was surviving. 

You are just starting on this journey of trying to find a way to live without your soulmate. You may try different approaches to living, pretending his death didn't happen, that he is just away on work temporarily.  You know it's not true, but it helps you get through the days sometimes.  You might put all of his things away, so you don't see any reminders of him,  then later put all of his things back out because you can't bear to not see them. 

You keep making adjustments, trying to find a way that feels most comforting to you. 

If it bothers you, that you think it would be against his wishes, for you to be posting on this forum, you can take a break from doing it.  If later you feel that it was more helpful to you to read and post stuff here, you can come back.   You can talk with him about it, even argue. 

I remember one particular argument I had with my husband, about 6 months after he died.  I was mowing the grass in my yard (a job my husband would have done) and I was in a hurry, so I wasn't doing a proper job of it. Just cutting the really high growth areas.  I know my husband would never have done that.  In my mind I could 'hear' him telling me to do a proper job, that this quick spot mowing looked terrible. I told him, I didn't have time to do a thorough job as I was leaving on a trip. I argued back and forth with him, finally shouting, "If you want the yard mowed properly, you shouldn't have died. This is all I can do."

I am sure the neighbors thought I was nuts yelling at the sky. 

My point is, you need to do what works for you. And what works for you today, may change tomorrow.  That is okay. 

We are here for you whenever it is helpful to you.  Take a break, come back later, or if you don't feel the need to come back, that's okay too. 

We do care about you.  We do understand how terribly difficult this is.

Hugs

Gail

 

[hgb]

Thank you so much for understanding me @Gail 8588. I find myself in unknown terrain these days. I am so obsessed with his belongings and used to keep looking at his photos in my mobile in initial weeks. Now I simply avoid going through them.

I do talk about him with my family and often bring him up in my conversations but I have noticed that I am avoiding talking to him or thinking about him when I am alone.

I feel so pathetic writing these lines here. I haven’t ever discussed things about him with anyone. Sometimes I feel I have become numb and frozen, other times it’s like I am learning to cope.

But things are changing between us and I can’t stand it. It’s like we’re drifting. I hate myself for this. I have always loved him and will continue to do so. He is the only one for me, forever. Then why am I sensing this disconnect at my end? Maybe this is my temporary coping mechanism. I don’t like it. It is better to hurt in pain and cry all the time rather than feeling disoriented and lost. I HAVE LOST BOTH OF US !!

[hgb]

I am avoiding him most of the times now. I realised it while writing here. I don’t want to avoid him. He is all I have. I feel so miserable right now. Don’t want to forget him, not even for a second. His memories, his voice in my head are all I have left. I am so sorry about all this!!

[hgb]

I don’t want to live anymore. Don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning.

[April Ballou]

@hgb this is the hardest thing that we will ever have to face.  Dont give up.  I have a wall in my living room with different knick knacks that belonged to Darrell, just a small way to keep him here without him actually being here.  I keep photos of him on my phone so I will always remember  what he looks like.  Darrell was my life, I feel dead myself most days.  But I am alive, wishing I were dead.  I pray daily, God is my refuge and my strength.   Without God I would be dead.

[Gail 8588]

Hgb, 

I hear you.  It is awful. Many of us have felt as you do. Many of us still do.  Many of us wonder why God won't just let us die.

I have no answers. All of this seems so unfair.  You are so young and your time with your husband was so short.  But it is never long enough. I was married 38 years, and I feel robbed of our golden years together. Others on the forum had longer marriages than mine, and they too feel robbed.  When you have found the one who made you complete, it is so unfair to be ripped apart no matter how long you shared. 

One thing I am pretty certain of is that you will not forget him.  He is in your heart and mind forever. My husband died in 2017, but he is present in my life every day. Kay's husband has been gone 16 years, yet George is still with her.  I don't think you ever forget a soulmate, even if you go on to have a new relationship. 

I do think your sense of disconnect with your husband may be a self-protection mechanism your brain is doing to try to reduce your pain.  Your body and mind are searching for a path forward too. 

It's a long painful process trying to pick up some pieces of your shattered life and figuring out how to make your life function without him. 

Be kind to yourself as you take one step forward and two steps backwards sometimes. Learning how to live without him is in some ways similar to recovering from a brain injury.  It is hard to learn how to do things alone. It's frustrating. It's unfair. 

Be forgiving of yourself. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, hgb said:

He would have definitely asked me not to read through posts on forum like these (no offence please) as this would have caused more pain than helping me. 
I know I am reading and posting stuff against his wishes but I don’t know what to do.

It's actually doing something, it's processing your grief.  Do you think that by avoiding these posts you will avoid the pain of grief?  Doesn't work that way.  As I wrote recently, I encountered someone who put off his grief for 20 years by avoidance.  All of a sudden it hit him hard, like life-stopping hard!  By then he was married with kids, I'm sure they wondered what in the world!  My sweet friend, mentor, counselor just posted these today:

Delayed Grief
Delayed Sorrow
Delayed Grief: When We Don't Take Time to Mourn

I also want to add this:

Grief Process

In my Tips article I reiterate that it helps to express ourselves (esp. where others get it and understand) and know we are heard.  This helps to process our grief.  Women especially process things through relaying them.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am sure the neighbors thought I was nuts yelling at the sky. 

And I'm sure the bears and cougars wondered about me when running away while I was screaming at the top of my lungs out in the woods!

17 hours ago, hgb said:

But things are changing between us and I can’t stand it. It’s like we’re drifting

You will continue to love him.  Part of this process is learning to relate to them in a different way as they're no longer here physically to lay in their arms, etc. 
Continuing Relationships

17 hours ago, hgb said:

I don’t want to live anymore. Don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning.

Most of us felt that way early on in this.  Please give yourself ample time to adjust to these changes, it's a lot to process.  No one heals from brain trauma in a day, so it takes quite a while to process our grief which I often liken to brain trauma, it hits us so hard and we're ill prepared to deal with it!  It's a learning, and quite a one at that!

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I have a wall in my living room with different knick knacks that belonged to Darrell, just a small way to keep him here without him actually being here.  I keep photos of him on my phone so I will always remember  what he looks like

This is part of the "continuing relationships" with them.  I still have George's bathrobe hanging on my door, I hold it sometimes.  I have my dog's coat hanging on a chair, I hold it sometimes too.  It helps.  I have some things he bought for me still up on the wall.  His hat still hangs on a hook like he's coming through the door anytime.  It's been 16 years.  Am I delusional?  No, I need these things around me, they're part of him.

I still remember what he looks like, sounds like, smells like.  I will never forget.  I take extreme care of myself hoping to ward off dementia that runs in my family, partly because I don't want my kids to go through what I am going through with trying to take care of my sister with dementia, but also because I never want to forget!

[April Ballou]

Yes another thing that helps me remember what he looked like is by looking at my son, he looks just like Darrell except he has my hair color and eye color.  And the memories that I have will be an important part of my life.   But I would rather have Darrell hisself,  but unfortunately that's not the way things are.  

[LMR]

@hgb I am so sorry for your loss. Keep on coming here, you need to be able to share your burden any way you can. There is no reason to feel guilty. Your husband only wanted to spare you pain so as long as you get some kind of relief from being on this forum he will be happy for you.

You are never going to forget him. I went through exactly what you are feeling when I lost my soul mate a little over a year ago. We had been together 48 years, he was truly my life. I lived for him. I am still in denial but it changes constantly. At times it seemed to me like he had never existed. I put out some photos and talked to them, then I started avoiding them. On one occasion I shouted at a photo "don't look at me"!  I am now back to talking to them again. Our minds are just trying to explain the inexplicable. Our grief will evolve but it will always be there, right beside our love.

Hugs

[hgb]

Thank you so much for your valuable suggestions.
 

My husband himself faced a lot of medical challenges throughout his life. He was always happy with a positive outlook towards life. He loved living. He believes in taking “One step at a time”. Whenever I face anxiety, I repeat his words in my mind. Unfortunately, they don’t help me a lot. Quoting him “I am the favourite child of God. He is so busy in making my life difficult”. He never gave up. Always fought till the very end!!

I try to carry his legacy, but it’s too difficult. He wants me to be happy but I can’t. I know I am letting him down. He would have done this if he would have been in my situation. I try to tell myself to have a positive approach like him. But then my mind counter answers that his problems were physical and he had family, whereas mine are at emotional and mental level. I know this is a totally selfish comparison. He had gone through lot of emotional stuff due to his health issues. My mind says he had me in his difficult times, but I don’t. 
 

[LoveNeverDies]

hgb,
 

I’m so very sorry for your loss . . Try to take one day at a time ! Even one hour or one minute at a time if you have to.. I know it’s beyond devastating to lose your soulmate/ other half , please come here and write , it helped me to write out what I was going through and people here truly understand . Huge Hugs 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, hgb said:

He wants me to be happy but I can’t. I know I am letting him down.

You're not letting him down, Hon.  They had no idea what this would be like or wouldn't ever have expected us to do this some certain way!  None of us knew what it'd be like before we went through it.  You're alive, you're breathing, that in itself is enough right now.  My George would have been the first to understand what I was going through as he always knew/understood me.  But they can't have an inkling ahead of time.  I tend to think they're going through this with us from their side, somehow, and thus understand now.

[hgb]

I feel anxious about my future many times. Currently I stay with my in-laws (both aged around 60yrs). My parents are around same age too! My siblings and brother-in-law, all are too young. They all support me currently, but eventually they will get married and will move ahead in their lives with their own families. 
I am scared I will be left alone. I am actually lonely right now, but coming time would be worse. Whenever I try to share my fears and anxiety about my future with anyone, they always remind me that I am thinking too much and way ahead.

I know what they are saying is right, but my fears are valid too! Nobody acknowledges them !! Maybe they are afraid of the fact as well as just try to push it out of their minds.

Even if I go one day at a time, I AM going to face it eventually. Even if I don’t think about me, doesn’t change the truth that THAT is my future.

I will be left all alone in my house,with no one to talk to, or have meals with, share things, watch tv, discuss things at the end of the day, and so much more stuff. When I try to bring this up, all I get to hear is that I should go out and meet people. But meeting people won’t change this, because the problem starts once you are inside your home. Coming back to a dark empty house, cooking meals all by yourself and for yourself is frightening. Having even a hundred friends won’t change it.

I won’t have my husband to go to bed with me, to cuddle me, to tell me stories when I’m not able to sleep, to bring me hot water bottle when I am in pain, to cover me with blanket while sleeping, to argue with me over what to watch over Netflix. The list goes on!!!

How do I live now, and accept the horrifying future. How do I do this?

[April Ballou]

@hgb I go through all of what you are saying daily.   I am alone, with nobody to say a word to.  Yes I can go to church,  go to my kids house,  go to my inlaws house but I still go home to an empty house.  I hate being alone.  Too quiet.   I listen to music just so the house won't be so quiet .  But unfortunately this is my lonely life.  God help me please!

[KayC]

They say most of what we worry about never materializes.  That said, I totally get what you are saying!  I could have a job worrying about everything for everyone else!  That's how bad a worrier I've always been.  I'm a planner, I like structure, I can over think things.  The middle of the night is when I'm best at it, and it brings on anxiety and sleeplessness.  I NEED my sleep!  So I'm on Buspirone for the anxiety and take a low dose Trazodone for sleep.  I don't ever want to live without them again!  But I also know I can't take on the whole "rest of my life" so I continue too do one day at a time, it's the only way I can handle it.  I've done this for 16+ years.  I will the rest of my life.  When those thoughts creep in I go back to one day at a time.  But I've also lived alone for 16 years.  It was never my preference, it wasn't our plan, we were supposed to grow old together!  Now I'm growing old alone.  And it's okay.  Wow, I surprised myself!  Yes, it is okay.  I've built things into my life that help me, I visit with my neighbors, I love this community, it's wonderful.  I don't see or hear from my kids much so I've had to learn to build a life without them.  I hear from my DIL only when she wants me to make a six hour round trip to babysit my grandkids.  I hear from my daughter when it's a holiday or birthday.  My son used to call every couple of weeks but quit around Covid.  They're all busy and working.  I have my church and a couple of friends there, although no one as close as my friend who moved away over six years ago.  No I have no one to hold me, no one to notice me with that twinkle in his eye, no one to talk things over and make decisions with, no one to help me when I have surgery.  It's hard for me to ask for help but if my car breaks down or something happens sometimes I must call on someone.  This is our life now.  It's not easy and not of our choosing, but it is what it is.  I've had to become philosophical about it.  This has been the worst year for me other than the one in which my George and later my Arlie (dog) passed.  These last 1 1/2 years of Covid isolation, political divide, taking care of my disabled dementia ridden sister, and threats of fires/smoke/evacuations abound.  But I'm doing my best to take it all in stride. This place helps.  Thank you all for letting me vent when I need to.  You all are wonderful.  None of us asked for any of this!  Thankfully I have God to turn to in all of this!

If it's any consolation we do grow more accustomed to being alone...never our preference though!!!

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

. . . we do grow more accustomed to being alone...never our preference though!!!

I agree with Kay, you do eventually grow accustomed to living alone.   I am at 4 and a half years, and the alone part does not pain me as much as it did for the first several years.  Of course I would much prefer being with my hubby, but that is not to be. 

I have found having a pet in the house helps a lot with the loneliness. 

The thing that weighs on me more than just the loneliness is just how hard life is alone.  From the frustration of not being able to open a pickle jar, having to make ALL the decisions all the time, not knowing stuff that John would have know (can you put car oil in a lawnmower?), breaking stuff because you didn't know, not having anyone to talk things over with, no emotional renewal of your being from a hug or kiss from time to time.  It is all just hard to do alone. 

Kay, you have struggled through this for 16 years and at this point you are amazingly competent to be doing all the things you are doing.  I am making various and sundry mistakes, that I am learning from, but it is exhausting. (I do find YouTube to be an amazing resource for all the things I don't know how to do.)

For now I muddle along doing the best I can. 

Gail

 

 

[Gail 8588]

23 hours ago, hgb said:

I feel anxious about my future many times. . . .
I am scared I will be left alone. . . . Whenever I try to share my fears and anxiety about my future with anyone, they always remind me that I am thinking too much and way ahead.

. . . but my fears are valid too. 

  I won't have . . .

 The list goes on!!!

Hgb,

All that you say is true. It is frightening.  I too was racked with fear of the horrible options that might come now that my protecter was gone. 

But I urge you to focus on what is happening today, not on what might happen in the future.  The number of possible horrible things that could happen are just too overwhelming.  In reality, very few of them will actually occur and the reality of the troubles that do come will be much more manageable than the endless possibilities you fear.  

I was making myself ill worrying about all the what ifs.  When these thoughts would start running around in my head, usually at night, I had to consciously tell myself, if something happens I'll deal with that real situation, but I can't just worry about every bad thing that might happen.  

It's part of that "just focus on today" mantra.  

You will find things that do bring you a sense of comfort.  Not equal to your relationship with your husband, but some comfort.  Tonight one of my friends is going to come over and watch a college football game with me. She will spend the night and we will have breakfast here in the morning before she heads home.  This time, having someone watching the game with me, dinner and game snacks, then breakfast in the morning feeds my soul.  It is certainly not the same as living with my love, but it helps combat that pervasive loneliness that we all experience. 

I urge you to try to suppress all the worries about the dismal future.  Just focus on what is really happening today.  You have the support of friends and family today. Lean on that and just get through today. 

Building your new life takes time. 

Hugs

Gail

[hgb]

I am currently visiting my mom’s place and have been here for almost a week. I wave returning to my in-laws place tomorrow, but it was a nice change to be here for sometime. My parents are in dual mourning state. They have the pain of losing their loving Son-in-law and also are deeply worried about their daughter’s future.

My grandmother doesn’t know about what has happened to my husband as she isn’t very well herself. She thinks he is currently living at his place. We haven’t told her the bad news. She keeps on asking about him and praying for his well being. Sometimes when she wants to talk to him, I simply play a video recording of my husband. Since she can’t hear very much (is in her early 90s), she just smiles and sees him talking in that video and showers all the blessings. It is heartbreaking to see that. My parents also undergo a lot of pain in answering all her questions about my husband and often have to make stories. I see so much grief in here, but don’t know how can I help them.

I feel totally unable to handle myself sometimes, don’t know how to help them, but I do want to reduce their suffering.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Kay, you have struggled through this for 16 years and at this point you are amazingly competent to be doing all the things you are doing.  I am making various and sundry mistakes, that I am learning from, but it is exhausting. (I do find YouTube to be an amazing resource for all the things I don't know how to do.)

Ha, I've had to hire a lot of things done in more recent years esp. as I have damage to hands and knees, falls/injuries are very damaging in old age!    So happy to have my house freshly painted and everything back in order, now I'm going to have my front porch deck stained...

20 hours ago, hgb said:

My grandmother doesn’t know about what has happened to my husband as she isn’t very well herself. She thinks he is currently living at his place. We haven’t told her the bad news. She keeps on asking about him and praying for his well being. Sometimes when she wants to talk to him, I simply play a video recording of my husband.

I would tell her honestly and then try to show myself as doing the best I can with it, but that's me, we all handle things differently.  

[hgb]

No relief from pain, fears and loneliness. It is getting worse with time and I am going down deeper into it every day!!

[April Ballou]

@hgb the loneliness and pain never goes away.  It hasn't for me anyways.  Until Darrell died I was never alone, now I am.  Nobody thinks about me.  My life is so very lonely and it hurts so bad.  I pray daily that's the only help I get is from God.  

[hgb]

I am trying to do a lot of things at my end, and also not doing a lot of other things suggested by family. Nothing seems to help. We currently have work from office but I have started going to office twice a week, but nothing is changed. It is sometimes more painful to see his vacant seat as we used to work in same office. I go out for long drive in evenings frequently with my family but that doesn’t help either. Nothing seems to be working. I JUST WANT HIM BACK. THERE DOESN’T SEEMS TO BE ANY OTHER SOLUTION OR WAY OUT.

I often think about suicide, but feel afraid after thinking about my parents and what if it didn’t worked and I am left in a worse state (no memories of him or something horrible).

I don’t know. I need help ! I really need help. But NOTHING is helping me at the moment. 

[Gail 8588]

Hgb, 

I am so sorry for the pain you are in.  This is one of the most difficult things a person can go through, losing their true love.  It takes time to really accept this new reality. We know that they have died, but they were so much a part of our being, it is impossible that they are really gone. 

I am glad you have the support of family or friends that are trying to be helpful to you.  But unless they have experienced a similar loss, they won't really understand the depth of your pain.

I don't know if grief counseling is something that is available in your area, but that can be helpful. 

It is so unfair that your life with your husband was cut so short.  I am so sorry you are having to go through this. 

Gail

[KayC]

This is a long haul, it's hard to hold on for the day it eases up a bit, so hard to see any glimmer of light when you're in the middle of the darkness.  It is coming but I can't say when, it's different for us all, and took me longer than I ever could have known, at the time it feels like forever.  I know I can tell you what worked for me but that doesn't make it any easier.  We want to feel some instant improvement, some ray of hope, but nothing is instant.  I'm sorry your're feeling the pits so deeply, I wish so much we could help you, it feels helpless to watch someone else suffer as we did.  Know we care.  I hope there IS grief support groups there, or grief counseling.  There was no such help when I went through it, I live in the country mountains, but I did eventually start one about ten years in or so.  Meanwhile I got a wonderful counselor on line, she's become my mentor and friend over the years, I've learned so much from her, she's my angel.

This was my first post there, at three weeks out on someone else's thread: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/574-my-love-left-at-748-sat-night/?do=findComment&comment=1879

[April Ballou]

Yes the grief is hard.  I can make it through the day but it's the nights,  getting into that bed all alone.   Even after a year I still cry and I still miss the love of my life.  For me I went from living with my mother to living with Darrell.  We knew each other all of 9 months then we got married.   If I could I would do it all over again.  I just wished he were here.

@hgb we all are dealing with the loss of our loved one, but together we can get through it.  For me God is my counselor.   He is healing me, but I think you just need time to process your loss.  It's the hardest thing that we all have to deal with.

[hgb]

4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

 

I am glad you have the support of family or friends that are trying to be helpful to you.  But unless they have experienced a similar loss, they won't really understand the depth of your pain.

I am lucky to have family support but yes it’s different for them specially when they have their spouses to talk to about their grief.

4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It is so unfair that your life with your husband was cut so short.  I am so sorry you are having to go through this. 

We didn’t even completed 6.5 years. We always wanted to grow old together like everyone else around us. Before marrying him, I used to admire his parents and used to think that’s how we would live too after marriage. Now it’s so painful to see them doing all things together, fighting with each other, caring for each other. It reminds me of my dreams with him. I don’t hold anything against my in-laws, it’s just too painful to see a couple celebrating moments on daily basis when my world came crashing.

They say they understand my pain, but I don’t agree that they can. They have what has been lost for me forever.

I am taking counselling sessions, but that’s not helping me either. Plus there aren’t very good counsellor in my area. I tried online counselling as well but didn’t worked either. The online ones were more keen on giving me meds instead of trying to understand and talk to me.

I often think of sharing my story here, but don’t have the strength to write down all that stuff. I just keep on repeating and running memories like video clips in my mind.

Sometimes I am talking to a person at home, and the moment he/she leaves, tears just start pouring in as if I have been holding them back for no reason at all. I am on the edge of crying all the time. All I have to do is look at his photograph, or myself in the mirror or play any phrase from a romantic song and BOOM !

Can’t go on living like this. I always told him - I can’t live without you. I just have said it hundreds of time, and now I am being forced to live without him! I miss him so much. I am so desperate!

Sorry for the vent!

[hgb]

21 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

For me God is my counselor.   He is healing me, but I think you just need time to process your loss.

I do not mean to disrespect you or anyone on this forum. I prayed for his well-being every day, in all my prayers. I did that till the very end. But now I have lost my faith in God. Even if he is there, he isn’t there for me. What is the use of prayers if they don’t get answered at all! I never wanted anything else other than him. But what do I have now? A BIG nothing !!

No husband no kids. What’s the use living? I have lost my purpose and motivation to live.

[Gail 8588]

Hgb, 

You don't need to be sorry here for expressing how you feel.  

With some people, their faith in God helps them, for some people, they lose their faith in God, temporarily or permanently, some people did not have a belief in God before the death of their beloved.  All of us experience grief in our own way.  People post how they are feeling, whether that is dispair or a glimmer of hope.  Some post about what has helped them through, in the hope that it may also help someone else.

I don't think anyone on here is trying to assert there is only one correct way to deal with grief.  We just try to acknowledge where you are, what you are feeling, and that we understand.  

Losing faith in God, being angry at God are feelings many people have expressed here.  

It is so unjust, so incomprehensible that our loved ones would be taken from us, it would be surprising if no one was mad at God about it.

Hugs

Gail

 

 

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I can make it through the day but it's the nights,  getting into that bed all alone.

I never could, I still have the bed but I took to sleeping in a recliner.  The empty bed was too much of a reminder.

19 hours ago, hgb said:

We didn’t even completed 6.5 years. We always wanted to grow old together like everyone else around us.

We only got to know each other for 6 1/2 years, but he was my soulmate and best friend, I never had that with anyone else.  I feel as you do.

And I hope I didn't offend you telling you my account of how I was praying for him when he died, and how I felt God was a million miles away in that first year and later saw He'd carried me through my grief although I couldn't see anything through the fog of grief.  I tell people not to worry about their faith or lack of it right now, just get through the day and whatever brings you comfort (not alcohol though as it's an antidepressant).  Gail's response to you expressed what I would if I had the words, she put it so perfectly.  We all get through this the best we know how , it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  Gail's last sentence, yes, but He has big shoulders, He can take it.  I don't claim to understand any of this.  I do know the anger in early grief, who of us never felt it.

The one thing I do admonish you is to please give yourself the needed time to come to a point where our grief journey takes a turn, it can take a few years, just processing it took me a good three years but it's ever evolving and there comes a day you do carry this and can look for and recognize even a tiny spot of good in your day, when we develop more confidence in making decisions and living on our own...we never stop missing/loving them though and always wish they could be with us, how could we not!  Give yourself the gift of time, patience, understanding, be extra good to yourself.  I had a friend who used to end her posts with "eat chocolate."  That must have been her go to.

[hgb]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

The one thing I do admonish you is to please give yourself the needed time to come to a point where our grief journey takes a turn, it can take a few years, just processing it took me a good three years but it's ever evolving and there comes a day you do carry this and can look for and recognize even a tiny spot of good in your day, when we develop more confidence in making decisions and living on our own...we never stop missing/loving them though and always wish they could be with us, how could we not!  Give yourself the gift of time, patience, understanding, be extra good to yourself. 

I am unable to understand what do I do now. I feel pain and cry all the time. I perform all the daily/usual activities, and 4 months have somehow gone. Do I continue doing the same? Everyday there are multiple occasions when it’s like- I can’t do it any more. Can’t go further without him.

I really do not know what do do with my life, even on a day to day basis. I can’t even plan for next day. 
If anyone could guide me what exactly I do, maybe that would help. Thanks!