I Wish This Will Be Over Soon

[Kris C]

I can’t wait until the funeral service for my fiancé is over this Wednesday. I can’t wait until I try to get back to my new normal  where I can just cry on the floor, not thinking about how many people will be over our house. I want to just curl up in the tub without thinking what time the rental chairs will arrive. I don’t wanna see any messages about him on social media, or get a notification that someone reacted on a story about him. I’m not hating. I just happen to see those cause I have to check his fb messages if someone wants to be at the funeral. It’s just that every time I see one of those it forces me to think that he’s not coming home to me and our kids. I’m hurting and broken and I know not most people around me would understand that. Everyone is trying to take up a role during this time, everyone is trying to say they have wonderful memories about him  while I sit here in the corner asking him to come back because I don’t have anyone to hang out anymore  he’s literally the only person I hang out with. I have never hang out with anyone else without him. No one will go home at 8:30 in the morning, bringing me coffee and cheese danish. No alarm that goes off at 10pm for work. No one to get annoyed at because he left his socks in the living room. While everyone in the funeral can go back to their normal lives and think about him from time to time, I will be right here in our home thinking about him all the time and all the good and bad memories we have shared together. All the ups and downs we have been through. All the stupid things we laugh about, all the days when we crave for specific food, and all the arguments that lasts for days only because I tickled him. The pain I feel right now is something I want to have for a long time because this is the only time I can be with him. So, I’m not complaining about the pain. I want to live with it, I want to be a part of it, I want to have it so I can be with him.

 

 

 

[tnd]

50 minutes ago, Kris C said:

I can’t wait until the funeral service for my fiancé is over this Wednesday. I can’t wait until I try to get back to my new normal  where I can just cry on the floor, not thinking about how many people will be over our house.

Kris C:  I am so sorry! Reading from your previous post, it has only been a few days since you lost your fiance to Covid. And NOW you are having to deal with a houseful and preparing for his funeral while caring for your children. That's a lot to deal with! Our situations are very different but like you, I want to be able to grieve and I can't because of other problems that have to be immediately dealt with. It's terrible. I cry a lot but not just over missing my husband. And I just want to be able to sit and cry over him and JUST him. I keep thinking how am I going to start the grief/healing process if I can't even really grieve yet? But like you, the other problems/issues I have going on do have to be dealt with first, no choice. It is so angering. And exhausting. All I can hope for is that my other issues will be soon be taken care of and not a minute too soon. I hope once the funeral is over and everybody goes home that you will find that quiet corner you speak of to properly grieve. Remember, the folks on this site are always here too.   

[Gail 8588]

Kris C,

Everything is so impossibly hard right now, when grief is so fresh and raw.  Nothing makes any sense, because this is all impossible. 

I don't know if the service on Wednesday will bring you any comfort.  My husband's service is a blur in my memory. 

People will say kind things about your fiance and they will say how much he will be missed.  But for you the loss is so different than what they are talking about. 

You just have to get through the day, nodding, saying how nice the service was and how kind it was for them to come. 

When they have gone, you will be able to cry on the floor for your sweetheart. 

I wish there was some way to have this not hurt so much.

Hugs

Gail

 

 

[KayC]

Kris, I remember feeling that way too, so hard having to plan/do things when all you want to do is grieve, cry, remember...you will get through this, the days seem to come/go I don't know how but they do.

[NancyJ 2011]

I came to this forum because I’m STILL devastated by the loss of my husband my soul mate my everything… He’s been gone since 2011 but it feels like yesterday STILL    Kris, I want to say it gets easier but for me it hasn’t   My pain and loneliness for him is DEEP and I yearn for him and his touch, the jokes we laughed at together for hours, the tv shows we watched over and over again, we read each other’s minds, we also worked together and I don’t even want to continue practicing law now without him.   I too just want to curl up in a ball and die   What bothers me most is that people keep telling me I have to move on   I don’t want to move on   I totally understand what you mean when you say this is how we can be with them    I have talked to him out loud MANY times and sometimes it’s comforting and other times it just doesn’t cut it    I’m so sorry you lost your love Kris I guess the only consultation is knowing you are not alone that others feel your pain    Thank you for sharing your story   Love and hugs to you 

[KayC]

@NancyJ 2011 Welcome here, I am sorry to learn that you too are living with loss...it was 2005 for me.  16 years alone.  It changes everything in life.  There is no "moving on" from this, there is only learning to incorporate this into our lives and doing our best to adjust/cope.  We don't "leave them behind."  Our memories can be the best part of our lifetimes, but I also look for joy in the little things now that my big joy (George) is gone.  Comparisons are huge joy killers so I try not to demean the little joys by comparing to the past, that does not good, in fact a great deal of harm and disservice to myself.

I'm sorry for all you are going through...whether yesterday or years ago, we're bonded by our love and loss.

I wrote this at about ten years out:
Tips to Make Your Way through Grief

[Kris C]

I am still very unfamiliar with this website and unable to navigate around it to respond to everyone who shows their support. But I want you all to know that I am not trying to be disrespectful, I am just not capable of showing  compassion for others at the moment as my cup is very empty.

[Gail 8588]

Kris C, 

Don't worry about responding to us. Focus on yourself. We don't want this forum to be a burden on you.  Just write when you feel like sharing, venting, or commenting to someone else.  

We understand how hard this is.  Everything is so hard when your life has been shattered to pieces.  Things that were simple a year ago, are nearly impossible now. 

Your cup is understandably empty now, but sometime in the future you may have insight to share with someone who is as fragile as you are now.

Hugs

Gail

[KayC]

Kris, never feel compelled to give when your cup is empty, in early grief it can feel that way.  Right now you're doing well if you get out of bed, breathe, and eat/drink something.  You can feel weighed down, unable to move, and wouldn't you know it's now when we have to make decisions, decide things, just when we're least able to!  (((hugs)))  Our grief journey evolves, although the timetable is different for everyone, I just want you to know it won't always feel as intense as it does today.

[tnd]

21 hours ago, Kris C said:

But I want you all to know that I am not trying to be disrespectful, I am just not capable of showing  compassion for others at the moment as my cup is very empty.

Kris C:  And that is very understandable. It is hard to think of any thing else when we are grieving the loss of the person we loved the most and were the closest to. Each day seems to be a chore and it is so agonizing. I have moments of just sheer pain and sob. There's been no relief from it yet either. I try and I try but I feel like I am just barely keeping my head above water. So yes, I understand why you are feeling what you are. Don't apologize for it. You don't have to be sorry for grieving. 

[NancyJ 2011]

Kris PLEASE don’t worry about anyone else   This is so new for you    Nobody expects anything from you   Be kind to yourself and take comfort knowing you are not alone even if it feels like it   Big virtual hugs and love