More worries

[LMR]

This weekend will be the first anniversary for me and I am already off to a bad start.

Today they took away his car. I don't drive and though I was planning to learn, I'd got my permit, I then fell and broke my wrist and hurt my shoulder. Just one more plan that didn't work out. Because the car had been sitting a while the battery was flat. A neighbor offered to jump it but connected the terminals wrong. The cable burst into flames. Fortunately it was quickly extinguished but it looks like he fried the alternator. A brand new battery had no effect. I had to have it taken to the garage. Seeing it being towed away, sick, it was a shocking reminder of seeing his sick ailing body. I cried for hours afterwards.

I am so tired of everything going wrong. It is just one thing after another.

[foreverhis]

Oh, that is so upsetting.  My husband's car is sitting in the garage and even though I vowed (and promised our mechanic) to drive it a few times a month, it hasn't been started in 6 months.  Last time I did that, I had to call AAA and have them come jump it.  Then it turned out that I should have disconnected the battery because it wouldn't charge.  I need to sell it.  I need to sell a number of things before winter, but it's just so hard to look at his tools and things and watch them leave.  I know he'd want his good tools to be sold to someone who will love them as much as he did.  Same with his car.  I am paying basic insurance and registration on it for no reason.

It does sometimes seem as if it's one darn thing after another.  And it's so hard dealing with it alone, instead of together.  There are a number of repairs and maintenance jobs that I need to have done before winter, which means hiring people to do them because they are things I can't do alone.  Before, John and I did quite a lot of those projects on our own or he did things with me as his helper. 

What a shame that your neighbor didn't connect the cables correctly.  I'm not surprised that it fried the alternator.  When I had to have John's car taken in for the battery, it also needed an alternator.  I'd hope your neighbor will help with the costs, considering that it was his error that caused the damage.  I'm sure that watching his car be towed away was another gut and heart punch.  I'm sorry that you have yet one more painful event right now.

[LMR]

Thank you foreverhis. As I am packing up to leave for England it had to be done. The registration is due in ten days and there was no point in spending more money. The car is going to a friend and I think my husband would be pleased about that. 
It really was a gut punch as you say and it makes me wonder what kind of state I will be in when I eventually get on that plane.                                          My husband used to say I was really brave but I don't feel that way now. I feel like I am drowning.

[KayC]

I'm sorry this is happening to you and on his anv of death to boot! Rule of thumb when charging, black to black, red to red.
Anniversary of a Loved One's Death
Anniversary of Death
Anniversary of death tips
Grief Healing: Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief

[LMR]

Thanks KayC I think I will be needing those links this weekend.

[tnd]

14 hours ago, LMR said:

Seeing it being towed away, sick, it was a shocking reminder of seeing his sick ailing body. I cried for hours afterwards.

I am so tired of everything going wrong. It is just one thing after another.

LMR:  I am so very sorry all this has happened to you. I could understand how watching the car being towed away would be upsetting and remind you of your husband. I try not to think of my own husband's suffering but I can't help it. It's there and I can't just stop thinking about it. Even if he is at peace now. He went through a lot to get to that place where he could finally rest and have peace. And then here we are, grieving and dealing with the aftermath...moving, paperwork, your husband's car. I hope your broken wrist and injured shoulder heals soon. I know your heart will ache for a while to come but be easy on yourself. Remember, there is no timeline for grieving. I also hope you will be surrounded by the love and support you need when you get to England. Don't forget, we all care for you here, too. 

[LMR]

One year today since the last time I saw him alive. I cry so much anyway that I can't really say it has been any worse than usual. I only slept for an hour last night so I have been a bit like a zombie all day. Not sleeping but not quite being awake either. Nothing got done.

Is it really an anniversary if you still don't believe he's dead?

[KayC]

@LMR, I'm sorry I wasn't on last night to respond in time, not sleeping, evacuated, came home to find my freezer thawed out and a huge mess all over the refrigerator & floor, I'm exhausted. Also having technical difficulties, more and more thrown on me at once.  Sometimes I want to go to sleep and not wake up, life is too hard. 

But back to you...yes I reckon it's still an anv. whether we're able to handle it or not, IDK, you can ignore it or however you choose to handle it and it's okay, there's no laws saying how to do this, there's only YOUR way that counts.  My heart goes out to you in all you are dealing with!  It's a lot.

[Roxeanne]

18 hours ago, LMR said:

if you still don't believe he's dead

It take a long time to believe it....and sometimes i wake up and think " it's impossible that he is dead! Is it true? " 

But i haven't seen him for 3 years...in the end i'll have to get over it !

 

[tnd]

18 hours ago, LMR said:

Is it really an anniversary if you still don't believe he's dead?

LMR:  I think you are suffering pain from two issues; the first one is not believing your husband is gone. Or maybe you do realize that he is but hate the thought of it and not ready to accept it just yet. The other issue is your anniversary. I would think we can still call it our anniversary, whether our spouses are still with us or not. I think it's a very personal choice and it's our choice to make. I am wearing both our wedding rings now. And I will always remember our anniversary. We didn't make a big deal of it before, we didn't have a party or anything but we did quietly and privately acknowledge the day in some way. Just the two of us. It was nice. If you are wanting to continue acknowledging your own anniversary in some way, I see no harm. It might actually be healthy. Either way, I don't think we are expected to just crumple up our marriage and throw it in the waste basket as if we no longer want or need it anymore. That would be impossible! Can't erase memories and feelings. Certainly can't erase love that was shared.   

[tnd]

29 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

But i haven't seen him for 3 years...in the end i'll have to get over it !

 

Roxeanne:  I'm sorry for your loss and suffering. I think it's going to take a long time to heal from the loss of our loved ones. I don't think 3 years is that long but everybody grieves in their own way in their own time. Hopefully our grief will ease up as time passes but I'm not going to put a time limit on it. Take care.  

[KayC]

19 hours ago, tnd said:

maybe you do realize that he is but hate the thought of it and not ready to accept it just yet.

This is true for most for quite some time, it's so hard to wrap our heads around!  It just feels impossible.

And the anniversary, I've never found an answer as to how to handle it, do whatever feels most comfortable...I decided to ignore it pretty much, I'd planned to go away to where we always spent it but just was not up to it, canceled.  I sent him a balloon with a message in it, it burst and came back to me, I laughed, it sounded like something he'd do!  

Whether we spend it with someone or alone, do what you feel like.

[Roxeanne]

I agree kay...I decided to ignore them as well...they are so painful days!

The only day i want remember it's the day we met...it was a wonderful day even if i didn't know at the time...the day my life changed for the better!

[foreverhis]

23 hours ago, KayC said:

@LMR, I'm sorry I wasn't on last night to respond in time, not sleeping, evacuated, came home to find my freezer thawed out and a huge mess all over the refrigerator & floor, I'm exhausted. Also having technical difficulties, more and more thrown on me at once.  Sometimes I want to go to sleep and not wake up, life is too hard. 

But back to you...yes I reckon it's still an anv. whether we're able to handle it or not, IDK, you can ignore it or however you choose to handle it and it's okay, there's no laws saying how to do this, there's only YOUR way that counts.  My heart goes out to you in all you are dealing with!  It's a lot.

Oh no!  Kay, I'm glad your house is still standing, but damn it, damn it, it's just not right that you now have even more you-know-what to take care of while you're already weighed down by so much.  I don't blame you for thinking it would be nice to just go to sleep and be done with it all.  Still, I know you also want to be there for Kodie.

To say "life is unfair" seems the understatement of the century right now.  ((HUGS))

[LMR]

The car got fixed and we took it for a drive and then to DMV. They wouldn't let us in, they've just reverted back to "appointments only". What a waste of time!

It was a very emotional day for me. Being in the car made me feel safe and happy, it has its own aura. But once I got home I became this blubbering mess, all evening and now all morning. I'm just trying to get myself together enough to go for a walk which I know will help if I can manage to get out there. I just can't stop crying.

Sorry for this, I just need some to talk to.

[tnd]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

It was a very emotional day for me.

LMR:  I'm sorry it was so hard on you. I would've been an emotional wreck. But I applaud you for looking a little forward and thinking of doing something to feel better. I hope you had a good walk and that it helped put this day behind you. 

 

2 hours ago, LMR said:

Sorry for this, I just need some to talk to.

Please don't feel sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. That is why this site is here. We all need some comforting and to be able to talk about our day and feelings. Good or bad. 

[KayC]

The least thing can bring out the emotions!  (((hugs)))