9 Months and Still So Lost

[AnnRA]

Hello - I am at 9 months and still so lost.   I would love to hear from anyone who is at that point in time? Yes, yes, I know we cannot expect “timeline markers” or compare,  but I am so tired of feeling the same crushing sorrow, day after day.  I have no family anywhere near, and some friends understand.  I have been back to work for 3 months and can do that, but nights/weekends are devastating.   Please help me - I am so very tired and just cannot see anything getting easier. Am I always going to feel this alone?? 

[KayC]

Nights/weekends were the hardest for me too, both because that was OUR time together and  because work occupied some of my mind/time.  While it was hard to focus it was still a blessing at the same time.

Maybe schedule some time with friends?

[AnnRA]

Thanks, Kay.   Yes, I do work hard to plan things with friends during those hardest times. Problem is, they all have lives, families, busy.

. At 9 months, they still try to understand, and a few do.   But there are so many, many hours in those times that I am alone now.  And yes, it was OUR time then……. 

 

[chincube]

I started a hobby or 2 some time after my boyfriend died, it was an attempt to pass the time when it is the hardest. My relationship was a long distance one, so I was physically alone all the time before already, but after he died it's another kind of feeling of alone. I couldn't handle socializing with friends, so I took up hobbies that can take up hours everyday.

1 hour ago, AnnRA said:

Am I always going to feel this alone?? 

I remember at 9 months I felt like only 9 days had passed, and I remember I felt the same as you do. For me personally, yes and no. The giant hole is still there, I am still never the same again, I still think about him everyday and sometimes still cannot believe it. But I also slowly built up things for myself, to cushion things around myself, have people I can share and enjoy life with. Is it the same, no. But I don't feel so alone anymore.

 

[AnnRA]

Chincube, thank you so much for your honesty.   In a strange way, it is comforting to know this is STILL early days for me.  Seems like forever so far…..  i am glad that you find comfort and enjoyment.  I find tiny little bits of that for myself, now and then.  Hoping that will evolve for me. Yes, the giant hole will be there, I understand…..Thank you. 

[Mllewhimsy]

Hi @AnnRA, if you feel it is long enough you may consider talking to someone professionally if the feelings are too much especially for a period of time now. 

But yes, other suggestions mentioned here should help too. Mine passed away 2 weeks ago and I'm trying to just keep working and just recently signed up for classes to start in September.

[LMR]

AmnRA. I'm so sorry that you are still suffering so much. For some of us it's going to take a very long time, sad to say.

This weekend will be the first anniversary for me and I am not at all better. I still cry every day, sometimes almost all day long. Yes it is exhausting but then I only get 4 or 5 hours sleep and the lack soon mounts up. Its especially bad because like most of us here, bed was my safe place. We would wake up early but cuddle up and go back to sleep. I had just recently retired so we could do that every day.

I still cannot understand what has happened. It still doesn't seem real.

 

[Diane R. E.]

I am at 10 months and that deep, profound sorrow is still what I feel. And yes, I often feel so alone. I too took up a hobby (painting kindness rocks) and fortunately two of my sisters and I have almost daily conversations via Facebook messenger. Also, since we are all from MN, we are big Vikings fans so carry on a running conversation when they are playing, which also helps to pass the time. Does it ease my sorrow? No, but it provides distraction for brief periods of time. I'm so glad NFL football is starting, which will help my Sundays. 

[LMR]

40 minutes ago, Diane R. E. said:

 Does it ease my sorrow? No, but it provides distraction for brief periods of time. 

I think distraction is all we can hope for. Our loss is too great to be fixed.

So glad that you are still painting rocks.

[KayC]

Distraction is good, we need to grieve but its good to have some respite too, I'm glad I wasn't yet retired but didn't count on losing my job right away.

[steveb]

On 8/13/2021 at 6:50 PM, AnnRA said:

 I have been back to work for 3 months and can do that, but nights/weekends are devastating.   Please help me - I am so very tired and just cannot see anything getting easier. Am I always going to feel this alone?? 

AnnRA,

I’ll be at 13 months at the end of August.  Work is a good distraction for me.  I went through the same fatigue issues, but am better now. Getting through a work week can take a lot out of you, but you will build up your endurance/energy levels.  I live in Florida, but most of my family is in upstate New York. I just got back from there last week and my visit was uplifting to say the least.  I think we will always feel alone to some degree, but the intensity at times can be softened when around “good” family and friends.  

[Remember the Big Mo]

I will have been without my husband for five months on September 2. We were recently retired when his diagnosis was made in 2019 and therefor never established what retirement would entail. I was able to join a pool for the summer and that provided a destination, distraction and some exercise. I found that with my energy was greater on days I swam. With the season coming to an end, I need to find something else to anchor for the cold winter months. The passing of seasons is excruciating without my partner of 44 years. I do find that this site is of comfort as are the grief/widows group that I participate in via zoom. Anything to break up the day seems to mitigate the loneliness. 

[Mllewhimsy]

@My Big Mo We don't have winter here, but I can imagine it must be more challenging. I hope you are able to find something to do during this season that brings you joy.

[Gail 8588]

In Florida, I mostly mark the passage of time as in hurricane season or out of hurricane season. The end of hurricane season (end of November) brings an abundance of fruit. My tangerines are ripe in November, oranges in December, grapefruit in January. My trees produce huge amounts of fruit that I give away for months. My many camelia bushes start blooming in January. Then springtime in Tallahassee has massive flower blooms for several months, red bud trees, azaleas, crepe myrtle, many more. The profusion of blossoms is incredible. The heat of summer builds towards the active part of hurricane season. On an on it goes. 

During the first several years of grief, I couldn't see any of these changes.  Fruit fell to the ground and rotted, i didn't notice flowers blooming, hurricanes were a potential relief to my painful struggling existence.

Life is still harder without my sweetie, but I am glad I can see the flowers again. 

Gail

[KayC]

23 hours ago, My Big Mo said:

I do find that this site is of comfort as are the grief/widows group that I participate in via zoom. Anything to break up the day seems to mitigate the loneliness. 

Going to my puppy's "play dates" helps tremendously and sometimes one of the owners visits with me while we watch the dogs play.  Yes, anything to break up the day.  Having some sort of schedule helps, esp. since retirement.

23 hours ago, Mllewhimsy said:

@My Big Mo We don't have winter here, but I can imagine it must be more challenging. I hope you are able to find something to do during this season that brings you joy.

Unfortunately due to the record high temps this year, the drought and the amount of fires (and evacuations) we've had very close by I have not enjoyed one bit of the summer, now I dread them even more than winter snows/storms!

22 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Life is still harder without my sweetie, but I am glad I can see the flowers again. 

I'm glad too...my friends on the east coast all have the hurricane season...