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How do I handle all of this?


Sobroken5

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It's 9 weeks since the love of my life died. He was my partner for 9 years and only 37. We have been through so much together. He was my best friend, my everything.I woke early in the morning to find him gone. He went in his sleep. Autopsy found nothing. I never thought I could feel so miserable and lost. I have had a constant pain in my heart, I've cried every single day, I can't sleep, I can't eat and I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach all day everyday. It's a constant battle with my brain. I know he's gone, but it's like my brain is trying to convince me it's only temporary, he'll be back soon and I can tell him about how awful this is for me.

Aswell as dealing with all of this, his family have been unkind to me and have basically dismissed me. They took control of everything. I felt like I had no say in any of the decisions regarding his funeral etc and to be honest, I was too weak and fragile to put up any kind of fight. Thry had a viewing and didnt notify me because i requested they didnt. I knew he would have hated that. They had a slide show of photographs of him at the wake and therr wasnt a single one of him and I together. They didnt even ask me for any. To be honest, they went and made all of the arrangements and told me after the fact. He had no will. We didnt even think of things like that. Who does in their 30's? We had no children and weren't married so I feel like they think I don't matter because of that. Now they are trying to pressure me into letting them have/take his belongings. I'm not ready to let anything go, I'm not ready to have a big empty spot in the closet.I don't have the energy or strength to deal with drama, but I'm scared that if I don't deal with this my own way, I'll never get through it (even though I feel it's not possible anyway) I feel like I've had to deal with more than I should because of the added stress they have put on me. I'm seeing a therapist and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. My friends and family try, but they don't understand the true pain I'm going through. They obviously care about my mental health and wellbeing, they are all horrified at the treatment i have been given by his family and are trying to help me, but i just feel like im a burden to everyone.

I just don't know how to deal with any of this. I don't know if I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact he's gone because I wasn't involved in any of the arrangements or if it's "normal" to feel this way.

I'm still young and my future is just a black void. I can't imagine my life or make plans without him. My dreams of becoming a mother have gone. Im just so lost and broken. I actually don't see how I'm going to get through this..

 

 

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I am so sorry for your loss, it is the hardest thing in the world.  I am so sorry that his family is disregarding you, many of us experienced the same (and was married, so it doesn't make a difference except legally).  In my situation I was stuck with $72,000 debt with nothing to show for it, his family wanting this and wanting that, so I offered them a hospital bill if they wanted something to remember him by.  I grew moxie after he died because my protector/advocate was gone, it was up to me to stand up for myself.  But in the beginning I was deep in grief fog and you're right, we have nothing in us to fight with!

Regardless of what they say, hold onto his most intimate item/s, I kept my husband's bathrobe but am in a fire evacuation so don't even have that or my late dog's coat I used to hug.  No pictures except one in my wallet. and a few on the PC.  I hope & pray my home will be spared as their graves and memorial stones are there.  This was the place we shared.

For all intent and purposes, you ARE married, in your hearts, many are on paper but not in the heart, and that's what defines our relationship and thus our grief.

Yes your feelings are very normal in grief.  :(

I'm very glad you are here and hope you'll keep coming!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

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Sobroken, 

I am so very sorry for your loss.  

I don't know where you live, but I suggest you either contact a lawyer (legal aid) or google search to find out what rights a common law wife has to inherit from a deceased spouse.  Each US state has slightly different criteria for what constitutes a common law spouse, but if you were together for 9 years, you may well meet your state's requirements. 

Some states provide that a common law spouse inherits the same as a formally married spouse.  Some states have different rules.  Contact a legal aid office in your area to learn what your jurisdiction provides.  

If his family has already taken possession of some of his things, I would ask for them back, or at a minimum that they not dispose of anything.  

After you speak with an attorney, you will know whether you have a rightful claim to all or part of his estate (bank accounts, retirement accounts from his work, property - land and just stuff like cars, TVs, clothes. etc.)

I am sorry his family is treating you so badly. I am sorry you have to make this effort to assert your rights to your marital property.  But you need to know what you are entitled to before they take it all and dispose of it. 

Gail 

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5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Some states provide that a common law spouse inherits the same as a formally married spouse.  Some states have different rules.  Contact a legal aid office in your area to learn what your jurisdiction provides.  

That's an excellent idea, Gail.  I didn't think of that.  Fingers crossed!

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12 hours ago, Sobroken5 said:

My friends and family try, but they don't understand the true pain I'm going through. They obviously care about my mental health and wellbeing, they are all horrified at the treatment i have been given by his family and are trying to help me, but i just feel like im a burden to everyone.

I just don't know how to deal with any of this. I don't know if I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact he's gone because I wasn't involved in any of the arrangements or if it's "normal" to feel this way.

Welcome, Sobroken5.  I'm more sorry than I can say that you find yourself here with us and at such a young age.

The truth is that no one can understand this loss, pain, and grief until and unless it happens to them.  I too have a very supportive circle of friends and family who know that there's only so much they can do to help.  I tell them, "I don't want any of you to know how this feels for a very long time!"  It's really common for us to feel as if we are burdens to everyone after a few months.  The people who love us care, but their lives move forward largely unchanged.  As well, our grief often makes others uncomfortable, in part because we are a stark reminder that it can and someday will happen to them.  Losing a spouse comes with a depth of grief that is hard enough without having his family hurting you, treating you as if you are nothing.  The fault is entirely with them.  Yes, I say you lost your husband because the legal document is good and a ceremony is wonderful, but that's not what truly makes a marriage of two soulmates.  It's quite obvious that you had that.

I hesitate to use the word normal these days, but yes, what you are feeling, thinking, and experiencing is normal.  I'm sure it's made worse by the way his family is treating you and how they left you out of everything.  Still, it takes many months for most of us to come to terms with our loss, to fully accept the reality in front of us, no matter what the circumstances were.  Even then, we do not accept that it was fair or right because it wasn't.  We only accept reality because at some point we have to do so.  We do not move on or get over it.  With time--months and years, not days and weeks--and help and talking to people who understand like the members here, we do learn to carry the burden of our grief and make it part of our lives, rather than the absolutely crushing, all-encompassing weight it is at first.  And then we start to figure out how to move forward, carrying our love and our grief with us.

For now, please remember the cliche of "one day at a time" is a cliche because it's true.  Do not even try to look into the future.  Just get out of bed, get dressed, have something nutritious, and keep breathing.  Even those simple things will seem impossible for you on many days, but IMO they are essential, even if that's all you do.

Please do not let his family take anything at this point and do follow Gail's wise advise to see whether you have legal rights in a common law marriage.

Please also keep coming here to talk, rant, question, and "scream" if you need to.  You are not alone.

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