Lost my lovely Kelly

[Richj73]

I'm having problems coping with my current situtation.

I was with my lovely Kelly for 16 years and we have two boys together again 11 and 19.

She's always been pretty healthy, but a couple of months back Kelly started to feel unwell.

She was in and out of hospital a couple of times and was back in three weeks ago.

She'd been going downhill and the doctors didn't really know what was wrong with her.

The Wednesday before last, they told us she had cancer and there was nothing they could do for her. They give her a couple of weeks at best.

She was in critical care at the time and being looked after by the wonderful of people. They asked if there was anything they could do I asked if they could marry us.

We always planned to get married but life just gets in the way at times. It was wonderful, but I can't face watching the videos or looking at the photos.

She passed away the following day surrounded by her family.

Our world has been turned upside down, my youngest is about to start secondary school in two weeks and I can hardly sleep and now 19-year-old doesn't stop crying,

Every day I wake up and for a split second I think everything is okay and then I roll over and realise she's gone and it hits me again.

I have a lot of support from my family and friends but none of them can give us what we want, her back.

I've tried to get some support for my 11-year-old and he started to see counsellor just so we can talk to her because it's too soon for anything more. I'm in the process of sorting out a funeral and I spend my time telling people the same story over and over again which is just heartbreaking.

 

 

 

 

[Gail 8588]

Richj73, 

I am so terribly sorry for your loss, and your children's loss.  It is so unfair. 

I am glad you have support of family and friends. Accept their help.  You need the support. It is physically and emotionally exhausting to deal with this magnitude of loss. You need to be kind to yourself as you grieve. 

I am glad you have a counselor for your young son. It would probably be good for you and your older son to have a grief counselor too. 

Come here to share what you feel like sharing, or just read others posts.  On this site, we understand the pain you are in, as our lives have been shattered too by the death of our soulmates.  It is hard for those who have never experienced this sort of loss to understand.  Sadly, we get it. 

I am so sorry you have reason to join us on this grief journey that none of us want to take. But welcome to our tribe.  We will provide what assistance and support we can give.  It helps a little to know you are not alone. 

Gail 

[widower2]

Rich, I'm so terribly sorry. There are never words good enough. 

Gail said about everything I would have, so not much to add...but for whatever it's worth I spun up this web site after I lost my beloved of things I wish someone had told me at the time; there may be some useful info there for you: https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp

It's a great group of people here, people who "get it" - I hope we can help you in some way along this rocky path. 

[Richj73]

Thank you, I had to go shopping on Wednesday to get my sons new school clothes and shoes as he's starting comprehensive school in two weeks. Kelly's mum drive and on the way back on the radio they were just talking about peoples wedding anniversaries and there's a couple on there have been married for 50 years and another one that's got married last week on the same day as me. They were talking about the time they had together and their future plans. I feel like I've been robbed and my children have been robbed of their mums future. This makes me feel angry when I hear it, I see people walking around holding hands and I think it's so unfair why should they be happy smiling and laughing don't they know that Kelly is gone.

I keep thinking that if I do everything right and I get all her affairs sorted out somehow that will bring her back. I know this will never happen but every time I look up from my office at the CCTV camera I see a car I think oh she's home. I'm a normal man so the house is for the little knickknacks that she's bought over the years and there's so many memories.

[Richj73]

I think I now truly understand the meaning of tragedy and everything else apart from my boys seems completely pointless. I'm self-employed and if I don't work I don't earn any money, I can't just switch my phone off and ignore people because they go somewhere else and I won't have a business to go back to. I know this is completely heartless but I have to keep going, so I end up telling my customers over and over again what has happened. I don't think I can send them an email because there's some of them I haven't dealt with for years and it just doesn't seem right so I have to do it on a case-by-case basis.

[Gail 8588]

I am so sorry you have been robbed of all the years you should have had together.  I was married for 38 years, which sounds like a long time, but I feel robbed too. Both my parents and my husband's parents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary.  We expected to do that too. But a stroke took him far too soon. 

It is unfair. 

Gail

[Gail 8588]

Richj73,

It is terribly difficult to have to tell people of your loss. It has taken me years to get to the point where I can do it without crying. My husband died in 2017. 

I know you want to just give yourself over to your grief and not have to function as a father or as a businessman sometimes.  And I hope you can take some opportunities to do that, outside the presence of your boys.  But you also may find that having the structure of work can give you a small emotional break from your grief.  Grief is physically and emotionally exhausting.  Caring for your boys and going to work can help in an odd way. 

Also, I don't mean to imply that you should hide your grief from your boys.  It will be helpful to all of you to know it is alright to show your sorrow.  It is just that sometimes you may want to grieve without them present too. 

I am so sorry you are going through this.    

Gail

[KayC]

Rich, I am so sorry, I know of nothing worse.  My husband's death was sudden, right after his 51st birthday, my BIL of 50 years (more like a brother to me) passed in September of cancer two weeks after diagnosis, five days after learning there was nothing they could do.  

I am glad you found this place, we want to be here for you in your journey and hope you'll continue to come here and read/post as it really does help to express yourselves where others "get it" and understand.

Right now if you get up and breathe, remember to eat something & hydrate, take care of your boys, that is a lot.  This journey has a beginning but not an ending (although it doesn't stay the same as we learn to cope/adjust & with much time) so you have all the time in the world for this, no hurry, everyone's timetable will be different.  It takes what it takes.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

9 hours ago, Richj73 said:

This makes me feel angry when I hear it, I see people walking around holding hands and I think it's so unfair why should they be happy smiling and laughing don't they know that Kelly is gone.

I  think we all feel that in early grief ( first several years).

[tnd]

I am sorry for you and your family's loss, Richj73. I recently lost my husband so I feel your pain. We didn't have children but I imagine it must be very difficult to carry on with your work for yours and their sakes while grieving. Don't be afraid to come here to release or ask questions when you need support or guidance. You will be in good company, everyone on here is so caring and understanding of one another. We not only share one another's sorrow but we learn a lot from each other about dealing with grief and what it does to us. We share ideas and solutions. You'll also experience a lot of kindness being spread on here. We just help each other get thru it, day by day if we have to. 

[Richj73]

Thank you for all the lovely comments. I've been dreaming about Kelly every night and wake up knowing it was happy but nothing about the details. I wake up this morning a couple of hours ago (it's 6:30am now) with the lasting memory of her asking if I was looking for her. It's difficult to put into words but this really is much worse than not remembering the details. I've sat here and got on with the relevant paperwork but to be quite honest all of it seems a bit meaningless. Most of the plans the funeral now in place and we just have to wait until next Friday for the day itself. We can go visit her in the coming days and I've asked my eldest son if you want to see her, he's 19. I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow and I have some questions to ask about my youngest who is 11.

[Gail 8588]

Richj73,

This is terribly hard, there is no way around it.  I am so sorry.  Cling to your boys. They need you and you need them.

Hugs,

Gail 

[KayC]

I'm glad you're getting counseling...
Children, Teens & Grief
https://whatsyourgrief.com/childrens-books-about-death/
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/explaining-death-to-children.html

[Richj73]

It's Kelly's funeral today. We plan to celebrate who she was to us. I'm not ready to do that, it's all happened too fast. For the sake of my children we will do our best to make her proud of us today, but to be honest I'm not sure I can.

[KayC]

I hope it brings some soothing comfort to you as it did for me when I heard people say such wonderful things about my George.  You're in my thoughts and prayers today.

[tnd]

17 hours ago, Richj73 said:

We plan to celebrate who she was to us. I'm not ready to do that, it's all happened too fast.

Richj73:  I don't see how anyone could be ready. I hope you were given some comfort and support today by others at the funeral. If not today, hopefully in your own time you will be able to honor your wife's memory just by talking about her with people, telling her story or keeping some momentos you shared or setting aside some time just for yourself on a special day (anniversary, birthdays, etc). It's up to you when and how you'll be ready to celebrate her life.