Lost my boyfriend to COVID

[Mllewhimsy]

Hello,

I lost my boyfriend last July 28 to covid. We were in a long distance relationship, never met actually (for 3 years) we had plans to... but covid happened so that never came to pass. I was so devastated I screamed so loud the neighbors probably heard me. To top it all off, I found out he was cheating on me with at least two women. (His ex and a new girl he started seeing last April)

I think, with the cheating part I have just accepted it as it is and it's not something I'm going to get an answer to in my lifetime. He'll have his time to explain this to me  when I die (I don't have plans to-  just stating) and with the grief over his death- I think I am doing okay. This week seems better as I found it easier to get out of bed compared to the first week. I started seeking professional help- because I didn't want to have any unresolved issues and personally- cheating + death is a combination you don't want to ever encounter.

Since he passed- there was not one day I did not cry at least once (although now is less intense; but if the tears are there I let them come).

I question myself sometimes if grieving over him makes me feel stupid- he cheated and lied to me! I sometimes imagine him watching over me in heaven and wonder what he thinks when he sees me still affected by his death. TBH I do question his love for me a bit- he would tell me he loved me every day and made sure to call everyday even if it was for a few seconds just to tell me he loved me. He wasn't a texting person and I don't have any gifts.

I know he did... but I'm just not sure how much, I've read some of the threads here and stuff online and it is harder because of the cheating- he's not here to answer and I just kind of have to piece things together on my own.

Sorry for rambling, just wanted to let that out.

 

[tnd]

I am so very sorry for your loss, Mllewhimsy. I am also sorry that in addition to grieving you are having to sort out your loved ones behavior before he passed. No doubt what he did would hurt. And you are already hurting from his death. But I think someone on the site said it was okay to grieve the loss of your loved one and the "good part" of him that you knew. Either way, it's a difficult thing for us to deal with. Come here and you will make new friends who can offer you moral support and comfort. We are all going through this and so we know what it is like for you. *hugs* 

[KayC]

OMG, you are dealing with a LOT!.  Betrayal is hard anytime but esp. when you don't get to address it with him.  I'm glad you'll get professional help with this.

Remember, ALL of the feelings you experience are VALID, even if contrasting at the same time.  I assure you you will make it through this, even if it doesn't feel like it.  I realized I love the whole of the man but not everything he did.  I've no doubt we loved each other

.  Sometimes we wonder what was going through their heads though.  It's been 16 years for me.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Mllewhimsy]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

I am so very sorry for your loss, Mllewhimsy. I am also sorry that in addition to grieving you are having to sort out your loved ones behavior before he passed. No doubt what he did would hurt. And you are already hurting from his death. But I think someone on the site said it was okay to grieve the loss of your loved one and the "good part" of him that you knew. Either way, it's a difficult thing for us to deal with. Come here and you will make new friends who can offer you moral support and comfort. We are all going through this and so we know what it is like for you. *hugs* 

Thank you. I won't ever get the answers to his behavior... but he did video call me the day before he died. He also made sure to call me as soon as he got admitted to the hospital and told me not to cry when he obviously knew i was crushed at the news.

I guess that's my basis for- I know he loved me, somehow, and that's who I grieve for. I know if I obsess over what I can find out about his infidelity, I'll just be shooting myself in the foot.

 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Remember, ALL of the feelings you experience are VALID, even if contrasting at the same time. 

Thank you. Taking this for myself

 

[Gail 8588]

Millewhimsy,

Your love for him was true. Your hopes and dreams for a future with him were real. Your grief over his passing has shattered your life, just as the passing of our loves has shattered each of our lives. 

Please come here you rant, cry, question or just read posts of others. Though our circumstances are different the pain of our grief has much in common with others who have lost their true loves. 

I am so very sorry for your loss. 

Gail

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Mllewhimsy said:

I guess that's my basis for- I know he loved me, somehow, and that's who I grieve for. I know if I obsess over what I can find out about his infidelity, I'll just be shooting myself in the foot.

I agree, you are wise.

[Mllewhimsy]

Today is just one of those days... I realized, the odds of us getting married if he was still alive were pretty low because if it was... I'd have to find out about the ex at some point, and that annoys me a bit.

I've accepted the cheating (I have no choice but to) and forgive him and still miss him everyday. The realization just feels like something new to accept.

Do you think it's normal to forgive and go back to anger at some point?

[Gail 8588]

 Mllewhimsy,

Yes, it is normal to have many emotions at the same time.  Forgiving, angry, guilty, lonely, sad, confused. All sorts of emotions. One may dominate one day, or one hour, and be replaced by another, seemingly incompatible one the next. 

Yours is a pretty complicated situation. I would be surprised if you weren't feeling many conflicting emotions. 

Hugs

Gail

[Mllewhimsy]

1 minute ago, Gail 8588 said:

 Mllewhimsy,

Yes, it is normal to have many emotions at the same time.  Forgiving, angry, guilty, lonely, sad, confused. All sorts of emotions. One may dominate one day, or one hour, and be replaced by another, seemingly incompatible one the next. 

Yours is a pretty complicated situation. I would be surprised if you weren't feeling many conflicting emotions. 

Hugs

Gail

Thanks Gail. Ah to function like a normal person.... i miss that. (I mean i still get to work etc) but let's face it no one likes the process

[Gail 8588]

Mllewhimsy,

It may take awhile to feel normal again.  In your mind you had a vision of your future and that has been shattered.  It is hard to sort through all the fragments and rebuild your life. 

Be kind to yourself as you go through this process.  Sometimes your rational brain says you should feel this way, but your emotional brain doesn't comply with that directive. 

You might think "I shouldn't love and miss him because blah, blah, blah". But your heart still loves and misses him. Or "I need to let go of this anger because it is only making me sick", but you still feel anger. 

Our mind is not under our control sometimes, particularly in grief.  It is okay to feel what you feel, even all the inconsistent stuff.  Eventually, your mind will resolve the conflicts. 

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  It is so unfair. 

Gail

[Mllewhimsy]

Thank you, Gail. Took a mental health day from work. I was hoping I wouldn't cry today but that's not the case.

[KayC]

It's normal to feel the whole gamut of feelings, even ones at seeming odds with each other, at the same time.  I'm glad you were able to take the day off to just feel what you feel in private.  (((hugs)))

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Mllewhimsy said:

no one likes the process

OMG, no!  This can be very painful.  Through no fault of your own.

It's good to forgive, for your own self, but it's a process that has a beginning but may still take some time, just keep letting it go as it comes.  
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic
Eight Keys to Forgiveness | Greater Good

Sarah Montana: Why forgiveness is worth it | TED Talk

 

 

[Mllewhimsy]

@KayC I'm trying find that balance- of getting angry at the actions he did but not hold a grudge. I kept praying, God I don't want to be angry- but I do remember Jesus got angry at things too which I think tells me I can be? And eventually forgive and accept. I don't want to hold a grudge or be angry towards him... he did lose his life to a disease. 

 

Lol this is just such a puzzle. Every feeling is valid but at the same time they do contradict each other sometimes. I wouldn't be surprised if I missed him the next day.

[KayC]

Anger in itself is not inherently wrong, but it's important not to let it have the power to change who we are...sometimes it can be like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  In Jesus' situation he was angry on His father's behalf not for himself...I think more of being angry with wrong in itself.

In my situation, my husband came to me three weeks before he died and confessed he'd been using Meth.  I had no idea, he didn't use at home but during the workweek, his boss got him on it to get more work out of him, he was already killing himself working for that company.  After he died, they stole his thousands of dollars worth of tools.  I didn't catch on because he stayed near his job during the workweek.  He felt it was important to provide me with medical insurance.  Turns out he used my credit line to pay for his drug use, something I'm STILL working on whittling down after all these years...I was debt free when we married, when he died I owed out $72,000.  He didn't share all the details when he confessed, but a year later I was still putting two and two together.

[chincube]

21 hours ago, Mllewhimsy said:

Today is just one of those days... I realized, the odds of us getting married if he was still alive were pretty low because if it was... I'd have to find out about the ex at some point, and that annoys me a bit.

I've accepted the cheating (I have no choice but to) and forgive him and still miss him everyday. The realization just feels like something new to accept.

Do you think it's normal to forgive and go back to anger at some point?

I've found during my journey that, finding out lies and secrets after our loved ones died is more common than we think. We all have little things we don't show to the world even if it's harmless, who can say it won't take someone in surprise when we die?

Yet, it is very normal to forgive, to be mad, to feel embarrassed, to obsess, to feel betrayed, to feel hurt, to feel indifferent and then go back and forth not in any order.

I too was in a long distance relationship with him, though I've known him for some years before that and we met in between. I have found lies after he died, some more serious than others, and some I cannot understand why he lied. Until not too long ago I was still feeling very very hurt, and I went through quite a lot of therapy time on it. But for 2 years I had been in that loop of chaos of feelings.

So with everything so fresh for you, it is ok to feel all those feelings and you don't have to feel like you have to forgive the time when you feel angry. I am sorry that you have to feel all those feelings, because I know it's really horrible to go through. Still, take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself concerning all the feelings.

[Mllewhimsy]

@chincube sometimes I find myself questioning if all the grieving or missing him is worth it. Maybe I'm talking from still a hurt place right now...  but it feels like, if this was a breakup and he was still alive, I'd just have to cut off ties with him?

[chincube]

@Mllewhimsy I understand, I thought of that too. I even "imaginary" broke up and then "back together" with him, if it doesn't sound too silly.

It's okay to feel that, and it's okay to feel completely contrary the next day too.

[Mllewhimsy]

@chincubeNo, it doesn't sound silly. I guess this is just a really weird point in my life and I dislike the contradicting emotions