What Or Who Brings You Succor?

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I guess that's why it's been hard these last 16 years, nothing feels predictable anymore and most of what happens is bad, makes me afraid for what's next.

KayC:  I'm this way too. I like having routine and predictability. For me, boring is good. I call it "stability". But these past few years and particularly now have been far from being predictable. Leaves me feeling vulnerable, insecure, afraid, nervous and even angry. Gee, did I leave anything out? But seriously, I took pride in having my life in order and being on-top of things. Now it feels like a torpedo has sunk my ship. Just looking at my apartment in disarray with stuff and papers everywhere looks like a tornado blew through it. I've always felt uneasy around clutter and messes. But when things are in their place, including have personal business matters taken care of, I get a sense of calm. Feeling so uneasy and stressed month after month has been strangling me.     

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

But then again if a man does show interest, my bar is set so high now...I see myself living my life out alone.  This was never my preference but I'm doing it, besides, there are worse things...like a bad marriage.  I've been through that before, no thanks!

KayC:  I've been in a bad marriage and would much rather be single than in a bad relationship. With the loss of my second husband, who was absolutely wonderful, I know I will be single for the remainder of my days. I don't want to ever remarry. Not that anyone would want a middle-aged woman on oxygen anyways...but it's not being single that hurts, it's missing my husband that hurts. And I don't want to be alone for the rest of my days, either. I need a little human interaction. People to talk to, whether it be about the weather or nature or whatever. Just some conversation and maybe someone to visit or do things with. I don't need a man. The man I needed is gone. That's why I am asking people what brings them succor. To get ideas or to give myself something to think about and to consider after I get moved. 

[tnd]

Not that this actually comforts me or brings me succor but, just in the last few days I've learned to do something that I probably should have been doing a long time ago. If I don't feel up to answering the phone, I don't. I figure if it's something important they can leave a message. And if I don't feel up to answering questions being emailed to me, I don't do that either until I feel more ready to. Lesson learned? That it's okay to not do some things until we want to. At least while we grieve. And sick. Of course there are things we can't ignore but if there are things I can, then I will. Just long enough until I feel like dealing with it. Same goes with chores. For some reason not answering the phone each and every time it rings sort of "empowers" me. Warped, I know but it does give me a sense of control. Especially at a time when so much of my life is out of control and not in my hands. So, if there's some way I can put myself back into the driver's seat and feel that it is still my life and not everyone else's to decide and do what they want with, then that's what I am going to do!     

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

If I don't feel up to answering the phone, I don't. I figure if it's something important they can leave a message. And if I don't feel up to answering questions being emailed to me, I don't do that either until I feel more ready to. Lesson learned? That it's okay to not do some things until we want to.

Right on!  There's a line from From First Monday in October where the phone is ringing and someone asks, "Aren't you going to answer that?"  Walter Matthau's character, a Supreme Court Justice, says, "The telephone has no constitutional right to be answered."  I've always loved that and definitely put that into play over the last 3 years!

[foreverhis]

On 7/30/2021 at 6:37 PM, tnd said:

So where if any, have you gotten succor from?

I should probably answer the question you actually asked.

I have our small circles of friends and family who have been and still are there for me and were there for us, as much as John allowed.  He didn't like to be "fussed over" by anyone but me and he just didn't have the energy or desire to deal with people during his struggles.  They have been of enormous help throughout everything.  The people in my life have not just "allowed" me to grieve, to talk about John, and to just be however I need to be, they've brought John along with them as the world moves forward too.  He is still part of the equation for them.

I also have our friend's 12 lb rescue dog, a furry bundle of love who adores me as I adore her, a few afternoons a week and once in a while during the evening.  She's a very sensitive, caring dog and can sense when anyone in her pack needs extra love and attention.  She's been a life saver during these past 18 months.

I talk to John still, though not as often as at first.  Our faith evolved from the structured religion we were raised in into a more universal overall faith.  I find that of comfort too.  I walk to the local nature preserve and sit at one of the overlooks talking to John and have faith that my voice is carried to him on the wind.  There's a calmness and a connection to the universe for me when I'm out in nature, especially by the water/at the beach.  We've been coasties our whole lives, so the ocean is hugely important to me still.  The vastness and power of it, the sounds and smells, the ever-changing nature of it are all wonders to me.

Our family doctor has been helpful too.  He checks in on my mental health/grief first thing every appointment; he prescribed medications to help me, even when I fought against them, and firmly but kindly insisted that I take them when I needed them. 

 

[tnd]

46 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Walter Matthau's character, a Supreme Court Justice, says, "The telephone has no constitutional right to be answered."  I've always loved that and definitely put that into play over the last 3 years!

foreverhis:  Love that!  And I love Walter Matthau movies. 

[tnd]

26 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I walk to the local nature preserve and sit at one of the overlooks talking to John and have faith that my voice is carried to him on the wind.  There's a calmness and a connection to the universe for me when I'm out in nature, especially by the water/at the beach. 

foreverhis:  Thanks for sharing. It's good that you have such friends, including your furry one. I love the ocean and breezy beaches. Especially on the Pacific Coast. You could walk along a beach and not hear what anyone was saying, just the wind. To me, that's the whole idea!

My brother lives out in the country on acreage. There are forest trails. I hope to be able to take my portable oxygen concentrator and go on walks with his big dog. First I will have to build up enough strength to walk that far. I don't think I could roll my walker down any paths. But even if I can't I will be able to sit outdoors and enjoy a little nature and "wind talking" that way. When you mention a calmness, that is exactly what I am hoping for. I'd like in some way to let my husband know I am okay (if I will be).  

[widower2]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

Not that this actually comforts me or brings me succor but, just in the last few days I've learned to do something that I probably should have been doing a long time ago. If I don't feel up to answering the phone, I don't. I figure if it's something important they can leave a message. And if I don't feel up to answering questions being emailed to me, I don't do that either until I feel more ready to. Lesson learned? That it's okay to not do some things until we want to. At least while we grieve. And sick. Of course there are things we can't ignore but if there are things I can, then I will. Just long enough until I feel like dealing with it. Same goes with chores. For some reason not answering the phone each and every time it rings sort of "empowers" me. Warped, I know but it does give me a sense of control. Especially at a time when so much of my life is out of control and not in my hands. So, if there's some way I can put myself back into the driver's seat and feel that it is still my life and not everyone else's to decide and do what they want with, then that's what I am going to do!     

Warped? Hardly! Honestly you have a much better grasp and grip on the situation than most at this point IMO. Pass Go, collect $200, and say hi to Baltic Ave for us.  

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

foreverhis:  Love that!  And I love Walter Matthau movies. 

Have you seen Hopscotch?  If you haven't and you can ever find it, I think you might love it.  It's got wonderful location filming and a great cast, including another of my favorite actors, Sam Waterston.  Walter Matthau plays a forced-into-retirement spy and...well, that's all I'm going to say.

[tnd]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Have you seen Hopscotch?  If you haven't and you can ever find it, I think you might love it.

foreverhis:  That's one I haven't seen. Maybe after I get settled in at my brother's I will want to watch movies again. Comedies for sure. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

For me, boring is good.

For me it is too, I like continuity, stability also.  I don't need excitement and adventure, some seem to.  It means nothing horrific has happened again and left me with yet another thing to deal with.

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

That's why I am asking people what brings them succor. To get ideas or to give myself something to think about and to consider after I get moved. 

It helps me a lot to get out and see my neighbors...I take Kodie for his play dates and sometimes get to visit with Jazzy's owners on their deck while we watch the dogs play.  It's interaction.  Of I visit the neighbors across the street, just touch base...it gets me out of just MY world.  I also like walking Kodie, it helps me to see there's other people in their homes, gets me out of myself.  Both grief and the pandemic can have the effects of isolation, feeling cut off.  We need to feel connection. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

"The telephone has no constitutional right to be answered."

I hadn't heard that but I love it!  My sister doesn't have caller id and she answers the phone and often it's a scammer and she engages with them.  I tell her to just hang up.  She thinks it's rude.  No!  She says they have a right to earn a living too.  OMG, how do you argue with that warped thinking!  Dementia...lack of common sense, no wisdom, you can't argue it.  It's non-existent.  II remind her not to give them information (my mom, who also had dementia, would give out her soc.. sec. number to anyone who asked!)

13 hours ago, tnd said:

But even if I can't I will be able to sit outdoors and enjoy a little nature and "wind talking" that way.

Yes, I love nature.  Except for right now with raging fires and threat and smoke endangering our breathing.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

My sister doesn't have caller id and she answers the phone and often it's a scammer and she engages with them.  I tell her to just hang up.  She thinks it's rude.  No!  She says they have a right to earn a living too.  OMG, how do you argue with that warped thinking!

KayC:  Oh no! They could easily scam her. I am so sorry you have this added worry on your list! I don't have a cell phone but my husband did and the program or phone he had would detect scam calls and send them right into the trash, or whatever trash is called on a cell phone. Couldn't believe how many scam calls came in. Most of the calls I get on the land line are robo scam calls. Another reason I don't answer every call. I have caller ID on the TV but these days I don't have the TV on anymore. Keep watch on your sisters bank account statements and any statements that come in the mail -if you can or allowed to. Watch for any suspicious activity or purchases. 

[widower2]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't answer every call.

Security tip: don't ever answer ANY call unless you know the number. Same for clicking on emails - if you didn't expect it, delete it, even if it appears to be from someone you know - contact them separately and ask. (I once got an email from my sister or so I thought, it even had the correct address - turned out she was hacked.) 

[tnd]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

Security tip: don't ever answer ANY call unless you know the number. Same for clicking on emails - if you didn't expect it, delete it,

widower2:  Thanks for the tip. I had a career where part of my job was looking for fraud. People would be shocked to see how much identity theft goes on or is attempted. And people using Social Security numbers that aren't theirs or belonging to the deceased. 

[widower2]

I doubt I would be shocked...in the words of Shaun Colvin, "nothing surprises me any more." I probably err on the side of paranoia, but better that way than the other. 

[tnd]

5 minutes ago, widower2 said:

in the words of Shaun Colvin, "nothing surprises me any more."

widower2:  Unfortunately, that is how I feel too. We are in a crazy mixed up world with people who don't think twice of the damage and pain they cause. I hate sounding so grim but it's true. I know there are good people but there seems to have been an emergence of the evil. 

[foreverhis]

18 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I doubt I would be shocked...in the words of Shaun Colvin, "nothing surprises me any more." I probably err on the side of paranoia, but better that way than the other. 

This sounds so much like my John.  I'm not naive or gullible, but he taught me to an even deeper level of skepticism.  That's useful especially now, being a widow who might be seen as an easy mark.

[widower2]

Absolutely. Take pleasure in proving those POSs wrong.   

[Sparky1]

15 hours ago, widower2 said:

don't ever answer ANY call unless you know the number

This is is an excellent tip and I've been following it for a long time. Some of these scammers don't get it and keep trying, I recognize the number after a while, and lift up the receiver a touch and put it down again. This way it hangs up on them and I don't get a dead silence voice message. On my cell, I block unknown numbers.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

This way it hangs up on them and I don't get a dead silence voice message. On my cell, I block unknown numbers.

Sparky1:  I wonder if letting a call go to voice mail acts as the same as being answered. I get a lot of those dead silent voice messages too. My brother is going to get me a cell phone because they don't use a land line. He said they could probably put me on their family plan. Hope so. Then I will learn how to block numbers. 

Anyways, you can look at what you do about scam calls as a form of "succor". lol I ticked off a scammer this morning and must admit, kind of felt good.  

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

  I wonder if letting a call go to voice mail acts as the same as being answered.

All I know is that they are a nuisance, and I have one           " foreign"  guy that keeps bugging me once in a while about duct cleaning. I think a lot of those silent saved messages are from automated callers. They wait for you to say hello, and then their spiel kicks in. If you don't say anything, they never say anything. I get lots of real estate agents asking if I want to sell the house because apparently my area is in high demand.

[tnd]

19 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I get lots of real estate agents asking if I want to sell the house because apparently my area is in high demand.

Sparky1:  I haven't heard about that one yet. If you do ever want to sell tho, I'd contact a reputable agent. Not sure I'd trust someone that called up offering to sell or buy my house. Could be working with straw buyers..illegal. 

[widower2]

10 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

This is is an excellent tip and I've been following it for a long time. Some of these scammers don't get it and keep trying, I recognize the number after a while, and lift up the receiver a touch and put it down again. 

I'm tempted to get one of those air horns - you know, those obnoxious loud things people bring to hockey games - and answer any unknown call by blasting that into the receiver.  

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

Sparky1:  I haven't heard about that one yet. If you do ever want to sell tho, I'd contact a reputable agent. Not sure I'd trust someone that called up offering to sell or buy my house. Could be working with straw buyers..illegal. 

Oh yea, I wouldn't trust these piranhas that want to make a quick commission. 2 percent of a million bucks is a lot of money for these vultures. My wife and I were thinking of moving when I retired, but early last year she decided that she wanted to stay at this house. I told her that whatever made her happy made me happy and I agreed with her. So I won't sell this house, it is our house. We have many memories here and although I might have to make modifications when I can't go up and down stairs, then I'll worry about it at that time.

[Gail 8588]

I also get several calls every week of people saying they want to buy my house.  Mostly I let them go to voice mail and then block the number.  If I happen to answer I always ask them to remove my name from their list and then block the number.  It seems to have no effect.  The calls keep coming. 

I would never use any of these folks if I did want to sell my house. 

Gail

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

So I won't sell this house, it is our house. We have many memories here

Sparky1: Good to see that there are people who made their house a "home".  If it hadn't of been for being laid off and having to sell, my husband and I had planned on retiring in the same house. It was a very modest house, nothing fancy but together we learned that we could make what we wanted of it. And we had fun doing that. It was "home" for us. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

This is is an excellent tip and I've been following it for a long time.

The only problem with that is with medical people working from home, you get a random name/number and have no idea who they are.  So many doing that during Covid. You'd think they'd leave a message, but not always, and it might be something you're waiting on, in those times I answer and if it's a scammer you quickly know.

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'm tempted to get one of those air horns - you know, those obnoxious loud things people bring to hockey games - and answer any unknown call by blasting that into the receiver.

Years ago when I was Office Mgr for a mill, we had a dismissed employee "calling" us to the point we couldn't carry on our business.  We reported it to the phone company, it kept happening.  The owner's wife bought a whistle and blew it when she'd call, the phone company told us that was illegal so we had to stop.  They started recording all our calls and it finally stopped but we were plagued with it for about a month.  They could do something about us trying to stop it but not her doing it???  Our laws are insane.  But how many scammers record their calls to prove it?

[widower2]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

The only problem with that is with medical people working from home, you get a random name/number and have no idea who they are. 

If a legit medical person is calling you from home, they should tell you in advance they will be calling AND what the number is IMO...

 

Quote

Years ago when I was Office Mgr for a mill, we had a dismissed employee "calling" us to the point we couldn't carry on our business.  We reported it to the phone company, it kept happening.  The owner's wife bought a whistle and blew it when she'd call, the phone company told us that was illegal so we had to stop. 

??? So a disgruntled ex-employee "spamming" you with phone calls is OK, but you're not entitled to answer any way you want? I'd call BS on that one. Don't like the whistle? Don't call. I'd tell the phone company to call the cops if they want. Or say "oh so sorry! I was refereeing a football game when they called." 

Another idea I had was if someone calls fishing for info...lie. Tell them your name is U.R. Butthead, give fake bank account numbers, etc etc. Wasting their time seems like a good idea to me.

Such as the real pros who scam the scammers like these guys: https://money.cnn.com/2010/03/26/technology/e-mail_scam_scambait/

"Ebola Monkey Man" was a favorite of mine, the stuff on his site (now gone) was classic...he would string out these guys for months and totally humiliate them lol 

 

 

[KayC]

Maybe they should but they don't.

Yes there are laws about what you can/can't do on the phone.  She was someone who'd had an affair with the boss (was a HORRID employee!) and got paid $25,000 to leave & sign something with his lawyer...I saw her shaking her boobs at him, meanwhile I was doing all of the work!  She called and harassed the company, both his wife and him (via us as she couldn't get through to him).  This was the days before call-blocking.  Since the phone company was already recording the calls we couldn't blow the whistle in her ear without fear of prosecution, no one wants that!

[widower2]

So there are laws against blowing a whistle over the phone...but not against stalking. And I thought Virginia laws needed work! oy. Sorry to hear all that.

[tnd]

On 8/7/2021 at 12:11 PM, KayC said:

Since the phone company was already recording the calls we couldn't blow the whistle in her ear without fear of prosecution, no one wants that!

KayC:  What a bunch of hogwash! I guess back then nobody could do a whole lot. There's still not a whole lot we can do about unwanted calls. You always read in the news about new laws, etc, etc but really, the scammers are very sophisticated. It's never ending. I don't rely on laws to protect me anymore anyways. We are in a dark cold and cruel world these days. I don't want to get political but politicians (both sides of the aisle) are a waste. I'm sick of it. 

When I was young and someone was giving me a lot of trouble, I went on a little clandestine mission. I'll just say they had to buy new tires. Talk about the succor that gave me! 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, widower2 said:

So there are laws against blowing a whistle over the phone...but not against stalking

It depends upon where you live, but apparently it's not only our country, see here:
https://www.thelocal.de/20120522/42685/
But there are laws against stalking, it's just the wheels are slow to turn for you and I yet would throw us in the hoosegow if WE did anything wrong!

This guy offered some imformative information as a sound technician: 
https://www.quora.com/Is-it-illegal-to-blow-an-air-horn-into-the-phone-when-youre-talking-to-a-spam-scam-caller

[june483]

On 8/2/2021 at 4:13 PM, LMR said:

I watch the same tv series over and over.

I do that too - when I am trying to sleep - I can hear the voices and I am not really paying too much attention, but it is comforting and prevents my mind from wandering where I don't want it to - lately I put the TV on and then I wear my eyepads and just listen, puts me to sleep and prevents my bran from racing - I think we might all be just a bit mad......!

[widower2]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

It depends upon where you live, but apparently it's not only our country, see here:
https://www.thelocal.de/20120522/42685/
But there are laws against stalking, it's just the wheels are slow to turn for you and I yet would throw us in the hoosegow if WE did anything wrong!

This guy offered some imformative information as a sound technician: 
https://www.quora.com/Is-it-illegal-to-blow-an-air-horn-into-the-phone-when-youre-talking-to-a-spam-scam-caller

Basically he supports the idea that blowing an air horn won't get you in trouble.

And there's this: https://www.shouselaw.com/ca/faqs/can-i-be-sued-for-talking-dirty-to-a-telemarketer/

Now that's about telemarketers, not scumbag relatives/ex-relatives, and I can't speak to Oregon, but in most places it would seem a safe plan, so tbh I seriously question if your phone company knew what it was talking about. 

 

[KayC]

I understand and am not supportive of spammers but as I said, the phone company was recording all calls and they warned us.  
Did not want cited or in trouble.