What Or Who Brings You Succor?

[tnd]

Succor; assistance and support in times of hardship and distress. 

So where if any, have you gotten succor from? While I do find support here on this site, I'm afraid I haven't gotten a whole lot of succor from anyone/anything else. My cats are comforting but I am alone and the cats are all I have at the moment. I will be moving in with my brother and his wife and 2 teenaged sons but not feeling they understand me. So even then I think I am going to still feel alone. Maybe I need to think beyond four walls. I am on oxygen 24/7 but can take a portable unit and get out, just not for very long or until I move after next week. Ideas? Or does anyone else want to talk about the subject and how they are managing? Are you keeping your grief to yourself or do you have someone to talk to?      

 

[KayC]

It helped me to get out in nature, I was only 52 when he died, not much support from people.  There were no grief support groups in my area back then so I started one years later for others.

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I pretty much withdrew from everyone.  I was filled with so much guilt, for not saving him, that I felt I didn't deserve any support or comfort.  I pushed everyone away as much as possible. 

Then I moved away from everyone who might have supported me.  To those who asked, I said I was fine. Covid made avoiding people easier. 

In summary, I recommend you not do what I did.  It is a wonder that I survived. 

I hope you will find someone for support when you move.  A church group, a support group, perhaps one of your nephews, who knows. 

I'll be hoping for some good thing to develop for you in your new surroundings. 

Gail

 

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

It helped me to get out in nature,

KayC:  Since my brother lives way out in the country on acreage with trails, I hope to be able to connect with nature too. I'm that type of person. But I also like talking to people. I am so use to living in a big bustling city that I really don't know how I'm going to react/respond to actually living in the countryside. I grew up in a very small town and we lived outside the city limit in a small culdesac surrounded by a forest and fields. I loved it as a kid. I hope I will love it again. 

 

8 hours ago, KayC said:

There were no grief support groups in my area back then so I started one years later for others.

KayC:  Kudos to you!  Instead of complaining about it you actually DID something about it! I am sure people benefitted because of you. Who knows, maybe I could do something like that in the small town where I will be moving. Not right away but maybe later down the road.  

[tnd]

9 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

In summary, I recommend you not do what I did.  It is a wonder that I survived. 

Gail 8588:  I hear ya. I just want those around me to understand that I need support but may not always ask for it. I don't want them to mistake my silence as "pushing them away". I know I need their moral support. But it is hard when you feel like your whole life has crumbled.  

[Gail 8588]

Tnd,

Building on your enjoyment of nature,  here is an idea that might develop into something good.

Assuming you have a camera, such as a digital camera on your phone,  take pictures of any birds you see around the property.  Then ask a nephew to help you enlarge and crop the photo so you can identify the bird.  You can build up a "contact list" of your frequent feathered neighbors. When you have a unknown bird, you can ask a nephew to help identify it. 

At worst it will give you an excuse to hang out alone out in the yard. At best you may develop a real connection with a nephew as the 2 of you slip off to talk about birds and other life issues. 

Just a thought. 

Gail 

[tnd]

14 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

You can build up a "contact list" of your frequent feathered neighbors. When you have a unknown bird, you can ask a nephew to help identify it. 

Gail 8588:  I was thinking of doing this very thing!  My husband and I had a bird book and binoculars. When we still had the house we'd sit on the patio or at the kitchen table and watch birds. We fed them. Little did we realize that we had 33 different species of birds visiting thruout the year! I will need a new bird book to cover my brother's region and my hands shake too much now to use binoculars but perhaps a nephew could help out. Thanks for the idea!  

[Gail 8588]

You don't need a new bird book for the region if you have the internet.  You can google "bird identification Texas" or any other state, and it will pull up all sorts of resources for you.  A local, online Audubon club may also be a source of human contact for you. 

Gail

[AnnRA]

tnd - I found that I really need to talk about it to others who would understand.  I would think, where you are moving, the local church would be a good place to start.  They would know other widows/widowers and also about any agencies or support groups.  Even if it is a rural area, there will hopefully be a good community spirit/understanding of others in the area.  Even just talking to others on the phone has helped me.  Hopefully you will be able to meet others who can come visit you.   Reach out to any support group/agency in your new area.  And let us know how that goes?  /Ann 

[KayC]

Sometimes it's easier to connect in rural communities than large cities...when I lived in the city, in some areas none of the neighbors made acquaintance, whereas out here I know all of my neighbors, getting out and walking dogs has really helped me as I've done it for over 30 years of my 44 years here.

I have one neighbor that has an app on his phone that identifies things, maybe that would help with the birds?

[june483]

I speak to no one about my grief, although I spill it all out here.  My first year I was resentful that so many people did not try to engage me.  I do know that the few that did I appreciated it but quickly changed the subject as the thought of even talking about it choked me to silence.  My kids are carrying around their own grief burden so we stick closely together and spend a lot of time and meals together but we don't talk about the grief.

There was a neighbor and a coworker that also lost their husbands during the same time as me.  I did try to engage them in conversation, or a walk, or a coffee but they both declined invitations and never reciprocated any invitations. Perhaps they weren't ready. I would have opened up to them but it was not to be.

It taught me to learn to be independent.  I go for walks alone, take spur of the moment shopping trips, and am trying to navigate life on my own.  Weird as my husband knew where I was every minute and usually came with me.  Strange to know that if I dropped dead somewhere no one would know where to look for me.  

In short, my comfort is knowing that my kids are doing well and that I can come here and rattle on with people that I don't know, but at least you all understand why I rattle on.  Lots of people don't want to hear it but...... over time.... you do get used to the new - quiet and somewhat lonely -  normal.

 

 

[widower2]

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Tnd, 

I pretty much withdrew from everyone.  I was filled with so much guilt, for not saving him, that I felt I didn't deserve any support or comfort.  I pushed everyone away as much as possible. 

Then I moved away from everyone who might have supported me.  To those who asked, I said I was fine. Covid made avoiding people easier. 

In summary, I recommend you not do what I did.  It is a wonder that I survived. 

I hope you will find someone for support when you move.  A church group, a support group, perhaps one of your nephews, who knows. 

I'll be hoping for some good thing to develop for you in your new surroundings. 

Gail

Gail wow, if I'd seen that post without a name I might have thought it was one I wrote back when. Can so relate. 

Support groups I definitely suggest checking out, and even individual therapy...some local or state agencies might even have free services like that. If you pay to go to a psychologist, make sure you get one who specializes in grief. I was lucky in that the one I saw had experienced a similar loss, so she wasn't just throwing Psychology 101 at me, she "got it." 

The bird watching thing is a great idea too Nature and animals are great because there are no games and they're purely innocent.

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, june483 said:

. . . Strange to know that if I dropped dead somewhere no one would know where to look for me.  

June, 

This idea, that no one would know if something happened to me, has occurred to me often.  During my zombie years I didn't care.  But now that I actually want to live I have developed the habit of texting a friend of mine, who has been single for decades, and tell her what I'm doing or where I am.  I address these texts to my "Safety Buddy". 

I'll text  - 'going up on the roof now to clean the gutters." 

"Down off the roof now. All is well"  

 I send her these texts with the idea that if she doesn't hear from me, and she didn't get an all clear text, she will know where to look for me. 

She laughed the first few times I did it, as she has been taking care of herself for years with no safety buddy.  But now she sends me safety buddy texts too.  "Walking in McClay park." "Home now" 

 At least we now feel like someone would know where to start looking. 

Gail

 

[tnd]

20 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

You don't need a new bird book for the region if you have the internet. 

Gail 8588:  Thank you for the suggestion. From time to time I look up birds on the internet. I actually read about all sorts of animals on the internet. That will be one resource for me. I use to have a small hardback/pocket book for birds in Texas, can't find it. But what I like about books is that I can hold it in my hands or keep it near me on a table or while I sit outside and then check-off birds on the list. I like the feel of a book, silly I know but I'm sort of old-school that way. And books gives me a reason to visit a bookstore. But for the first while when I get to my brother's I will have to make do with the internet and perhaps print out a bird list that pertains to his area. And if they ask if I want anything, I will say "a bird book please!" And perhaps one of my nephews can help be my eyes and look thru the binoculars for me. My hands shake too much now.    

[tnd]

14 hours ago, AnnRA said:

I found that I really need to talk about it to others who would understand.  I would think, where you are moving, the local church would be a good place to start.  They would know other widows/widowers and also about any agencies or support groups.

AnnRA:  Thank you for suggesting that! They live about 15 minutes outside of a tiny town where there is hardly anything but, through google maps I saw several churches. And some really beautiful historic ones. So it is obvious that despite being rural they do have churches and you're probably right about them knowing or even offering their own grief support groups. Or just a place to meet after service to be around people. They tend to have snacks or cookies and coffee afterwards and the adults do a little socializing. 

[tnd]

4 hours ago, june483 said:

It taught me to learn to be independent.  I go for walks alone, take spur of the moment shopping trips, and am trying to navigate life on my own.  Weird as my husband knew where I was every minute and usually came with me.  Strange to know that if I dropped dead somewhere no one would know where to look for me.  

june483:  Before I had met my husband I had been single for nearly 10 years and didn't socialize much at all. I actually liked my time alone and I was never bored. I found all kinds of things I could do by myself. It actually felt good to be independent. But you do bring up a good point -no one would know where to look for you if something happened. Funny, I didn't think of that back then. I just got out and went where I wanted. But I did always carry my I.D. on me and my mother's name and number in case strangers found me laying somewhere. Or in case of a medical emergency. I never worried about it. It will be a long time if ever before I will be independent again but mostly because of my health and financial issues. Your situation is different. If you can get out, I'd say get out as often as you can. Sounds like you are already doing that so keep it up! Don't start talking yourself out of it now. I think you are doing the right thing. Just be sure to carry I.D. and some phone numbers on your person. 

[widower2]

7 hours ago, tnd said:

I like the feel of a book, silly I know 

Not silly in the slightest. Sorry I cannot curl up to a good.....kindle. barf. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, june483 said:

It taught me to learn to be independent.  I go for walks alone, take spur of the moment shopping trips, and am trying to navigate life on my own.

Yes, I've learned to do the same.  I take Kodie to his "play date" every day and sometimes visit with Jazzy's owners but often her mom doesn't want to talk and just disappears, I've had to learn to accept that everyone handles things differently and to respect her way of handling her's.  She is my friend with cancer and she is dealing with it as she needs.  I am very independent, I've had to learn to be.

My best friend for ten years after George died, told me once that I intimidate men because they see me as strong and independent (whereas she'd bat her eyes and fawn all over them, playing the helpless female role)...she remarried, I'm alone after 16 years but I could not/would not be like that, I can't, it's not me!  George loved me for who I am, he respected me, as is, I didn't have to change who I was for him...nor would I.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

My best friend for ten years after George died, told me once that I intimidate men because they see me as strong and independent (whereas she'd bat her eyes and fawn all over them, playing the helpless female role)

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be with a man who was intimidated by me being strong and independent.  John actually loved that about me.  I didn't "need" a man to have a life.  But boy, when I met him, I realized I needed him as my partner and best friend, which I came to understand was not at all the same thing as needing to "have a man" or be in a relationship.  I'm sure I would have had a perfectly fine life if I'd never met him, but he made my life immeasurably richer, fuller, happier, and just "more than" because I did.

[LMR]

This is not likely to be helpful and will probably make me sound crazy but....

I watch the same tv series over and over. I have seen every episode and some of them I have seen as much as five times! I wondered why I found it comforting. I thought it was the familiarity of the characters, becoming like friends, of which I have few real ones who bother. Now I am wondering if it's because I can turn back the clock. Characters who died come back to life.

I really do think I'm going mad.

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

. . .  I wondered why I found it comforting. (To watch the same TV shows over and over again.) . . .

LMR,

I too have taken comfort from watching the same series over and over again.  Simple, low stress shows, that mostly have happy endings, That 70s Show, Father Brown, Jeopardy, Disney or classic movies, stuff like that. 

During the high stress periods of all the turmoil in America over the past couple of years, I felt I had to block out all the news as I was going to have a stroke from the stress.  Happy TV gave my mind a mental break.  

I do think these familiar shows help to rebuild a mental feeling of stability.  In grief I felt the whole world was quick sand. Watching reruns helped push the reset button.  The world was still predictable, I knew what was going to happen next, and it did happen just as I expected.

I think watching the same shows over again and again falls in the category of self-care. It is an exercise for healing your brain. 

Just my thoughts. 

Gail

 

[tnd]

19 hours ago, widower2 said:

Sorry I cannot curl up to a good.....kindle. barf. 

widower2:  Kindles have their place but I actually like the feel and smell of a good book. Especially hardbacks. When we met, my husband was practically overjoyed by the fact that I like going into book stores. Even used bookstores. Sometimes you can find hidden treasures in those places. 

[tnd]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

My best friend for ten years after George died, told me once that I intimidate men because they see me as strong and independent (whereas she'd bat her eyes and fawn all over them, playing the helpless female role)...she remarried, I'm alone after 16 years but I could not/would not be like that, I can't, it's not me! 

KayC:  I'm glad George respected you. My husband respected me, too despite my independence. And he was old fashioned. But we shared a lot of the same interests and had the same outlook on life so we meshed. There will never be another...

[tnd]

4 hours ago, LMR said:

I watch the same tv series over and over.

LMR:  I use to watch old shows/reruns a lot too. They were funnier and the shows had substance. And yes, I felt good being familiar with the characters. Some of the shows were from my childhood and I have fond memories of "family hour" and we'd all bust up laughing together over a funny scene on a show. Who wouldn't miss that? And then as an adult, I still laughed at the same shows. In fact, if I start watching TV again I hope I can find a channel with those same reruns again. 

[LMR]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

In grief I felt the whole world was quick sand. Watching reruns helped push the reset button.  The world was still predictable, I knew what was going to happen next, and it did happen just as I expected.

I think watching the same shows over again and again falls in the category of self-care. It is an exercise for healing your brain. 

Just my thoughts. 

Gail

 

Thank you Gail. I feel a little less crazy, predictability is a good thing. I just wish it would work a bit better right now. I have been sitting crying for the last hour. I know we are trying one day at a time but that is hard when you are packing up to move. Everything requires planning and I keep thinking I'm not ready for this.

[widower2]

    

4 hours ago, LMR said:

This is not likely to be helpful and will probably make me sound crazy but....

I watch the same tv series over and over. I have seen every episode and some of them I have seen as much as five times! I wondered why I found it comforting. I thought it was the familiarity of the characters, becoming like friends, of which I have few real ones who bother. Now I am wondering if it's because I can turn back the clock. Characters who died come back to life.

I really do think I'm going mad.

Far from it, that makes total sense. Cmon who HASN'T watched re-runs they've seen before, including people who don't have the stronger need for comfort we do? 

 

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

LMR,

I too have taken comfort from watching the same series over and over again.  Simple, low stress shows, that mostly have happy endings, That 70s Show, Father Brown, Jeopardy, Disney or classic movies, stuff like that. 

During the high stress periods of all the turmoil in America over the past couple of years, I felt I had to block out all the news as I was going to have a stroke from the stress.  Happy TV gave my mind a mental break.  

I do think these familiar shows help to rebuild a mental feeling of stability.  In grief I felt the whole world was quick sand. Watching reruns helped push the reset button.  The world was still predictable, I knew what was going to happen next, and it did happen just as I expected.

I think watching the same shows over again and again falls in the category of self-care. It is an exercise for healing your brain. 

Just my thoughts. 

Gail

And also very well put.  

 

  

35 minutes ago, tnd said:

widower2:  Kindles have their place but I actually like the feel and smell of a good book. Especially hardbacks. When we met, my husband was practically overjoyed by the fact that I like going into book stores. Even used bookstores. Sometimes you can find hidden treasures in those places. 

Yes I was harsh, sorry. If people like kindles, more power to them. It just does nothing for me. I'm in front of a computer (which generally speaking a kindle is) enough already. 

[tnd]

1 minute ago, widower2 said:

Yes I was harsh, sorry. If people like kindles, more power to them. It just does nothing for me. I'm in front of a computer (which generally speaking a kindle is) enough already. 

widower2:  Someone let my husband try a Kindle and he didn't like it and I knew I wouldn't either. I guess they might be good for travel. I know some people on dialysis use them because the patient (my husband was one of them) have 2 very large dialysis needles stuck usually in an arm. For 3-4 hours they have to sit without bending or moving that arm because it will trigger alarms or worse, cause the needles to fly out and sorry for the description, but when needles come out so does a lot of blood. Particularly if it's arterial blood. People can use a laptop or Kindle with one hand. Anyways, that's why I said Kindles have their place but being able to hold a book and flip the pages (and yes, look at pictures or illustrations) is enjoyable to me. AND...gives me an excuse to go shopping at a bookstore!      

[tnd]

19 minutes ago, LMR said:

I have been sitting crying for the last hour. I know we are trying one day at a time but that is hard when you are packing up to move. Everything requires planning and I keep thinking I'm not ready for this.

LMR:  ** Hugs around you **  I am so sorry you are having a rough day. I'm trying to make some headway with my move, too. Afraid it's not going very well. I imagine you are feeling the same way. Lots of tears and even some anger. Feel so cheated to have lost my husband. It's hard to think about cleaning and packing when I am so terribly broken from losing him. Very painful. Hope you keep a lot of tissue nearby as you pack. Or a moist wash cloth. That helps me to put on my face. And when I can't do no more, I stop and rest. Sometimes until the next day. I hate this. It is torment so I feel for you. I really do.    

[widower2]

12 minutes ago, tnd said:

AND...gives me an excuse to go shopping at a bookstore!      

I'm not the biggest bookworm ever but I love(d) shopping at bookstores. Everything about it...even the smell of a bookstore. And all that knowledge/entertainment of every kind imaginable there, I could spend hours easy. 

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, widower2 said:

And all that knowledge/entertainment of every kind imaginable there, I could spend hours easy. 

widower2:  My husband always went to "his" section looking for very specific books but I loved going through the whole store. Some of the best books I have were bought from the discount tables. I guess some people would call them coffee table books, I just call them books. And yes, the smell of a bookstore...kind of a treat. So are libraries.    

[widower2]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be with a man who was intimidated by me being strong and independent.  

I wouldn't even want to be friends with a guy who was intimidated by a woman being strong and independent. What century did they time warp in from? And I certainly wouldn't be interested in a woman who was otherwise. Though it's moot now I guess. And probably just as well; anyone I would be interested in I don't think would be interested in me. PS that isn't some negative self-image routine; it's just simple fact that I'm damaged goods. Hell it's been so long since I've been on a date and I'm so used to being alone...I can't imagine even that going well, never mind a relationship. Even at times now when I'm around people I sometimes struggle to make conversation, and that's something I used to be good at. Yet I hate being alone.

oy - isn't this fun stuff? Pardon me while I pour another glass of wine!

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, LMR said:

. . . I know we are trying one day at a time but that is hard when you are packing up to move. Everything requires planning and I keep thinking I'm not ready for this.

LMR, 

It is totally miserable having to move while you are grieving.   It is  heaps of work and decisions and planning, when you don't have the mental or physical strength to do any of it. And it's so unfair. Tnd is going through it too.  My heart hurts for both of you. 

I went through it too, and I didn't go through it very gracefully.  I snapped at people who were trying to help.  I would refuse to make decisions that had to be made. I cried over every box I tried to pack.  My SIL stepped in and took charge and made all the decisions for me. My friend worked like a dog to help my SIL get everything done.  I owe them both a huge debt of gratitude, especially since I yelled at them a lot about everything. 

It is just really hard to have your home dismantled right when your life has been dismantled too. 

But sometimes things have to be done whether it is a convenient time or not. Sometimes staying put is not an option. 

But getting through the move itself is really hard. 

Hugs,

Gail

[LMR]

7 minutes ago, tnd said:

LMR:  ** Hugs around you **  I am so sorry you are having a rough day. I'm trying to make some headway with my move, too. Afraid it's not going very well. I imagine you are feeling the same way. Lots of tears and even some anger. Feel so cheated to have lost my husband. It's hard to think about cleaning and packing when I am so terribly broken from losing him. Very painful. Hope you keep a lot of tissue nearby as you pack. Or a moist wash cloth. That helps me to put on my face. And when I can't do no more, I stop and rest. Sometimes until the next day. I hate this. It is torment so I feel for you. I really do.    

Thank you tnd. I have been reading your posts so I know that you too are struggling with the move. Its probably worse for you, I have room to keep more of our belongings. I'm just not ready for this, I'm still waiting for him to come home. I would have waited but my sister was just diagnosed with breast cancer so I need to go and be with her. We can support each other. I hate the idea of throwing anything of his away. I try to find them a good home but some things are just no use to anyone else, like his sports trophies, but what am I supposed to do with them.

Also this morning I spent a few hours online researching international movers. An absolute minefield.The last time I did this I had a case stolen. It is terrifying.

[widower2]

5 minutes ago, tnd said:

widower2:  My husband always went to "his" section looking for very specific books but I loved going through the whole store. Some of the best books I have were bought from the discount tables. I guess some people would call them coffee table books, I just call them books. And yes, the smell of a bookstore...kind of a treat. So are libraries.    

Ha - when we went, my beloved and I tended to split off too, she had her interests and I had mine. And you'd think maybe she would be one to linger more but from what I recall more often than not it was her coming up to me "you ready to go?"   And I loved the discount tables! Always checked those out.  

[widower2]

12 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

LMR, 

It is totally miserable having to move while you are grieving.   It is  heaps of work and decisions and planning, when you don't have the mental or physical strength to do any of it. And it's so unfair. Tnd is going through it too.  My heart hurts for both of you. 

I went through it too

I did too. Well said. It is horrid and only those of you who did or or are going through it can appreciate how insanely difficult it is. Moving all by itself is extremely stressful and takes a lot of energy under ordinary circumstances....to do that when you're in mourning and don't want to do ANYTHING other than go off an lick your wounds somewhere is incomprehensible. I'm so sorry for anyone dealing with that.  

[tnd]

10 minutes ago, widower2 said:

ven at times now when I'm around people I sometimes struggle to make conversation, and that's something I used to be good at. Yet I hate being alone.

oy - isn't this fun stuff? Pardon me while I pour another glass of wine!

widower2:  There is alone AND THEN there is alone. When I was single I didn't really mind be alone. I worked around a lot of people at a stressful job so by the time I got home I was ready for some peace and quiet. And I did my own thing on weekends. Lots of times I'd take my mother out for a bite to eat or shopping. Especially after I moved her in with me. Few years later she moved in with her boyfriend and I was back to being by myself (which I preferred). I'd go shopping, do crafts, read, watch movies, fly kites, ride my bicycle, write letters to friends/family on nice stationary and shop for care packages to send to soldiers. I adopted several of them. The post office always knew to expect me. But right now I don't like being alone so much. I've been here alone in the apartment since last December. It has really sucked not going anywhere or having anyone to talk to.   

[widower2]

Yes there's a difference between being alone by choice (more or less) and because it was forced on you...especially after being very used to not being alone. I've lived alone most of my life for one reason or other, but having that someone in your life and then not...there are no words to describe it. 

[tnd]

19 minutes ago, LMR said:

I spent a few hours online researching international movers. An absolute minefield.The last time I did this I had a case stolen. It is terrifying.

LMR:  I agree, it would be hard and terrifying. It's so hard to be grieving and going through stress at the same time. Feels like the life has been sucked right out of me. But the more I read I do find how we are feeling is normal and to even be expected. Doesn't make it any easier but at least I know it's par for the course. My husband wasn't a collector of things so the personal items I am taking will fit in my suitcase or small box. I'm lucky for that I guess. Sad that we feel like we need a coat of armor to do this.  

[tnd]

4 minutes ago, widower2 said:

but having that someone in your life and then not...there are no words to describe it. 

widower2:  I grieved pretty hard when my mother died. It was awful. I was just starting to be trained to administer my husband's hemo-dialysis at home when she suddenly passed from Chronic Heart Failure. I was grieving and exhausted while also having to focus on things like sticking my husband with gigantic needles, dealing with arterial blood, learning to take vitals and learning to respond to over 100 alarms on the machine and then...being tested on it. All while grieving! Much like the stress I am going through now with having to move. Only this time it was my husband I lost. And I must say, this grief is actually painful. It's not just a lot of crying but actual physical pain. It's torture. That's how I describe it...torture. 

[widower2]

I can appreciate that; I've thought or described it that way many times. I'm so sorry. And I'm so sorry for (and furious about) the injustice we've all had forced on us. Hold on for the future, for times that while not easy, are not torture, are far better and far more manageable than now. 

 

[Gail 8588]

29 minutes ago, LMR said:

. . . I try to find them a good home but some things are just no use to anyone else, like his sports trophies, but what am I supposed to do with them.

LMR, 

My husband had a career where everytime he turned around some group was giving him a plaque or award or picture with a tribute. We displayed many of them proudly in our home.  But when I was selling the house I had your trophy problem. What to do with all these things? 

My solution was to carefully, artistically photograph each item, with the intention of making these photos into a book, where I could write a small description of what the award was for. On the internet you can send this sort of thing off to make a personalized book.  I intend to make 2 copies and give one to each of our 2 boys,  That way if a grand child wants to know about their Grandpa they can read the book and see all the good things their Grandpa did. 

I still have (and know where it is) the memory card with all the photos.  Haven't made the book, but it is still my intention.  But I was able to get rid of the actual awards.  They have not become a shrine that I have to maintain. (I kept a few pieces that I like looking at.)

If there is a local sports trophy store in your area, you might call them and see if they want old trophies to recycle parts from. They may reuse the marble bases or such. 

You could make a little book of the pictures of his trophies.  Or just have the photos on your phone or computer.  For me, it was easier getting rid of the items knowing I had preserved a record of them. 

Gail

[widower2]

Not exactly the same thing but friends of mine had a similar problem when their dad passed and then their mom moved from the house and had to downsize. They ultimately decided the trophies only had value while he was alive and perhaps more to the point he would totally understand, even encourage, just getting rid of them. They're just trophies in the end. They had their time and place. Keeping some things of sentimental value is understandable, but that doesn't mean you have to keep EVERYTHING. 

[LMR]

Thank you Gail and widower2 you have given me some good ideas, and some perspective. I'm going to try both of your suggestions. Some of the trophies are much too big for me to keep but there are some that we carted across three continents so I will try and keep a couple of those. 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

Hold on for the future, for times that while not easy, are not torture, are far better and far more manageable than now. 

widower2:  Thanks for the encouragement. I have to believe there is some hope. I keep telling my 2 cats that we are going to a new home but that things will hopefully be better. I feel bad that there lives are about to be uprooted too. They have been acting a bit out of the norm without my husband here. He interacted a lot with them. They're not letting me out of their sight now. I know I can't but if I could, I'd speed things up into next year. Or the next. Just want out of the painfully grieving/stressed out zone. I'm starting to have strange nitemares where I am yelling at politicians, whatever that means. They have nothing to do with what I am going through. But I suppose nothing is to make any sense right now. You mentioned watching the Waltons. That's where I'd like to be...on Walton Mountain for a while. I'd probably visit "the sisters" and ask to taste some of the "recipe".  

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, LMR said:

 Some of the trophies are much too big for me to keep but there are some that we carted across three continents so I will try and keep a couple of those. 

Maybe take a group photo of all the ones you won't be taking with you, and display that photo with the 1 or 2 trophies that you keep. 

[LMR]

3 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Maybe take a group photo of all the ones you won't be taking with you, and display that photo with the 1 or 2 trophies that you keep. 

Good idea. I will definitely be taking some photos. That might work for some other things too.

I've already taken a photo of his shoe. He would use it at night to prop open the bedroom door. Every time I see it I cry. It just seems like he is here and then the emptiness kicks in.

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, LMR said:

I watch the same tv series over and over. I have seen every episode and some of them I have seen as much as five times! I wondered why I found it comforting.

As do I.  Some I have on in the background during the day and others, especially ones I find calming, at night.  I think part of it is the familiarity of knowing that it's something I like.  Part of it is that in already knowing the plots and characters, I don't have to worry about my brain being fully engaged or needing to really think and process.  Another part for some shows is remembering watching them with John, another kind of familiarity I suppose.

Let's be honest:  There's a lot of crappy TV/entertainment out there, so when we find something good, smart, interesting, etc., we tend to gravitate back to it for reassurance that quality still exists.  Plus, well written, well acted characters do become like "old friends" who are reliable.  I know I am luckier than many or most in that I not only still have our small circles of friends and family, but that some relationships have gotten deeper and richer as the people who care about me/us continue to provide that reliability, comfort, and support.  But that doesn't mean I don't also find comfort in watching shows I love over and over again.

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, tnd said:

When we met, my husband was practically overjoyed by the fact that I like going into book stores. Even used bookstores. Sometimes you can find hidden treasures in those places. 

Absolutely!  Wherever we traveled, we wandered into used bookstores and hardware/general stores.  If we weren't in the run of a show or concert series, our Friday night date or family night often consisted of going to the bookstore, usually with my sister and our daughter and sometimes a friend or two, and wandering around, buying a book or three--especially if one of the girls wanted one.  Then we'd walk over to the ice cream shop and get cones before heading back home to dig into new reading treasures.  Such wonderful memories.

John and I would often read things to each other.  We'd be sitting reading and one of us would say, "Listen to this," and then read an interesting passage out loud.  I don't think I could ever have been drawn to a man who didn't love reading and the study of language.  I'm the writer, but he was also so very clever with words and had an amazing vocabulary.  He was also a punster, as is our best male friend.  Get the two of them in a room together and it was hilarious.  As our best friends' son grew up around those two men, he also became an excellent punster.  They truly were three peas in a pod that way.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, LMR said:

predictability is a good thing.

I feel that way too.  I guess that's why it's been hard these last 16 years, nothing feels predictable anymore and most of what happens is bad, makes me afraid for what's next.

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be with a man who was intimidated by me being strong and independent.  John actually loved that about me.  I didn't "need" a man to have a life.  But boy, when I met him, I realized I needed him as my partner and best friend

Yes, that's how it was for us too.

 

13 hours ago, widower2 said:

Yes I was harsh, sorry. If people like kindles, more power to them. It just does nothing for me.

I don't think you're "harsh," people have their preferences, that's all.  I much prefer paper to kindle, I bought one before a surgery and after recovery haven't used it, that was seven years ago!  I'd have given it away but I don't know how to clear my info off of it.  Kind of like the old cellpphones I have laying around.  I need to run over them with a Mac truck.

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

I wouldn't even want to be friends with a guy who was intimidated by a woman being strong and independent. What century did they time warp in from? And I certainly wouldn't be interested in a woman who was otherwise. Though it's moot now I guess. And probably just as well; anyone I would be interested in I don't think would be interested in me. PS that isn't some negative self-image routine; it's just simple fact that I'm damaged goods. Hell it's been so long since I've been on a date and I'm so used to being alone...I can't imagine even that going well, never mind a relationship. Even at times now when I'm around people I sometimes struggle to make conversation, and that's something I used to be good at. Yet I hate being alone.

oy - isn't this fun stuff? Pardon me while I pour another glass of wine!

I get it!  I think I'm quite a catch but no one approaches me unless they're old enough to be my dad (they want a caregiver, I'm not stupid) so maybe my friend is right, maybe I do intimidate men.  But then again if a man does show interest, my bar is set so high now...I see myself living my life out alone.  This was never my preference but I'm doing it, besides, there are worse things...like a bad marriage.  I've been through that before, no thanks!  At least it's peaceful here.

13 hours ago, LMR said:

I'm just not ready for this, I'm still waiting for him to come home. I would have waited but my sister was just diagnosed with breast cancer so I need to go and be with her.

Wow, it's a lot and so early in this.  I hope you and your sister can really help each other in all you're going through.

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

Moving all by itself is extremely stressful and takes a lot of energy under ordinary circumstances....to do that when you're in mourning and don't want to do ANYTHING other than go off an lick your wounds

Exactly.  I can't imagine, but it's 16 years later and I STILL find the though of moving daunting and overwhelming!  Esp. since I'd have no help.

[foreverhis]

On 8/1/2021 at 9:41 PM, widower2 said:

Not silly in the slightest. Sorry I cannot curl up to a good.....kindle. barf. 

I don't think you are being harsh here.  You are being honest, which is entirely different.

I haven't had a desire to own a kindle, but a number of my friends have them and love them.  As long as people are reading, I'm happy about that.  Some of my friends are actually dual readers.  They buy/borrow printed books for at home, but keep a kindle for travel.  That makes some sense to me because John and I were always having to make sure we left room for books in our bags when we tried to travel light(ish).  I actually can't hold hard cover books because of how my health conditions have affected my hands, so it might be good to have a kindle to download for library borrowing.  Maybe I'll break down and buy one on sale some time. 

17 hours ago, widower2 said:

I wouldn't even want to be friends with a guy who was intimidated by a woman being strong and independent. What century did they time warp in from? And I certainly wouldn't be interested in a woman who was otherwise. Though it's moot now I guess. And probably just as well; anyone I would be interested in I don't think would be interested in me. PS that isn't some negative self-image routine; it's just simple fact that I'm damaged goods. Hell it's been so long since I've been on a date and I'm so used to being alone...I can't imagine even that going well, never mind a relationship. Even at times now when I'm around people I sometimes struggle to make conversation, and that's something I used to be good at. Yet I hate being alone.

oy - isn't this fun stuff? Pardon me while I pour another glass of wine!

John was the same.  He had a small circle of male friends and would not tolerate jerks of any kind.

Yeah, finding another man to treasure is not on my radar at all.  I don't believe it ever will be because I feel like I had my one love and I still belong to him, as he belongs to me.  Plus, I'm realizing that I would rather live alone than with anyone except my beloved. 

(Shudder) The very idea of dating makes me feel icky.  No thank you.

Hm...Yes, some nights another glass of wine is awfully nice.  As long as I keep it to "some nights" and not too much, I find it soothing and calming.