loss of spouse I lost my husband to COVID-19. We had been married for just 1.5 years. Its terrible without him now. How to deal with this?

[Pram]

Me and my husband visited my  In-Laws for the first time. Everything was good for 1 complete month and suddenly me and my husband started showing mild symptoms like cough with disappeared in some time. After couple of days I got fever for which I did RT-PCR test and I tested positive. I was under quarantine and started with medication. My husband did no show any symtoms initially. but he too developed fever and he was tested positive too. I was getting treated at home and medication worked on me and I started to recover. But my husband's condition did not improve. We did his CT scan and it showed moderate infection. Immediately I rushed him to the hospital and got hospitalised. During his tenure in hospital he was initially given antibiotics.

But Antibiotic showed no impact so he was started with steroids. this too did not show any improvement. his SPO2 level decreased gradually and he was shifted to ICU.The very same day he suffered with pneumothorax. He was kept stable for almost 8-9 days but things where getting out of my hands. His suffered with hypotension and clots in his lungs and finally he suffered cardiac arrest. He left me alone in this cruel world. He was such a lively person,hard working, Passionate about his photography and also he had no prior medical issue. He was non smoker non alcoholic yet this cruel virus targeted him.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, this horrible disease has taken so many lives and turned them upside down, stolen them.  I've had family members I came close to losing from it, very close.  Not out of the woods yet.  One a young father.

I lost my husband right after his 51st birthday, suddenly, unexpectedly, it was a shock!  I didn't know how I'd do it one week without him!  That was 16 years ago.  Now I'm growing old alone.  I've learned to take one day at a time, it's all I can handle.

There is nothing fair about this, nothing fair at all, when you see some couples be together in their 90s while some of us lost them so young.  I asked WHY for about a year, never got any resounding answers so I finally quit asking.

I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, it helps to express yourself where you're heard and understand...here people "get it."

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Gail 8588]

Pram,

I am so sorry for your loss. Covid has devastated so many families.  It is tragic. 

I am so sorry your life has been shattered.  On this site, we understand how hard this is, our lives have been shattered too.

Come here to vent or cry or just read other posts. It helps to know you are not alone. We will provide what support we can as we all travel this grief journey together. 

Gail

[tnd]

So very sorry for you loss, Pram. Losing our other half hurts beyond anything words could ever describe.  

[annie123]

Sorry for your loss Pram.  It is a terrible disease.  My 40 year old nephew and his wife and 4 boys came down with covid 2 weeks ago.  The kids recovered quickly, his wife in about a week. My nephew has been in the hospital with pneumonia for a week now.  Every time they try to wean him down from high-flo oxygen, his pulse ox drops and he gets short of breath.  He is in my prayers daily.

[Gail 8588]

32 minutes ago, annie123 said:

. . . My nephew has been in the hospital with pneumonia for a week now. 

Annie, 

I am so sorry your nephew is having a hard time with covid.  He's in my prayers now too.

Gail

[tnd]

1 hour ago, annie123 said:

My nephew has been in the hospital with pneumonia for a week now.  Every time they try to wean him down from high-flo oxygen, his pulse ox drops and he gets short of breath. 

annie123:  When I was first diagnosed with Pulmonary Sarcoidosis, I also had pneumonia. This happened to me too. The hospital tries to wean you off or down on the O2 as a way to gauge your progress and your O2 needs. It's actually good that they are trying to wean him off from high-flow because if a person is on it long term (really long term) it can start to warp the blood cells that carry oxygen, stretching them out. He's probably not anywhere near having that happen but that is one reason why they attempt to wean a patient down. It might be that he will be sent home with oxygen (low flow) to use for a while under the care of a Pulmonologist. And he will need to watch his salt/sodium intake for a while so that fluid doesn't build up. That makes breathing harder. They might already have him on a diuretic at the hospital and if so, that will help him if he has any sort of fluid retention or edema (feet, ankles, legs) going on. I'm assuming he is not on a ventilator and that's good. Hopefully he can sit up and do breathing exercises and get out of bed and do a little walking with the help of a physical therapist at the hospital. If not, he should ask for one to help him. PT people love to help people walk and they can make him "mobile" with an O2 tank on wheels and IV. But moving around, even in bed is important for circulation. Out of anything, I'd say the O2 and movement are critical. Rest is important but movement is too.   

[annie123]

Thanks Gail, prayers always help.

Thanks Tnd, He is not on a ventilator and they talked about sending him home with low flow oxygen.  If things get worse,  a ventilator is the next step, Hoping and praying that won't happen.

[tnd]

annie123:  I hope he gets to go home soon. Prayers to you and him! Stay hopeful and let him know it.  

[Pram]

@tnd did you loose your spouse as well?

[KayC]

My son's BIL had to be hospitalized for Covid, he's about 40, got hit hard, was on a ventilator, down for the count about a month or so, just released to go back to work.  Not back to his old self, but greatly improved...no more OT at work for a long while, still having to take it easy.  Two of his three sons also had it, but milder.  My little sister had it hard for about five weeks, didn't need oxygen but totally out of commission.  She was lucky, her husband has his own business and he stayed home and took complete care of her.

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

So glad your family members recovered. Covid is really bad here in Florida again. We had over 21,000 new cases in one day this week.  All the hospitals are full of covid patients. No scheduled surgeries, like hip or knee replacements are being done as the hospitals have no beds. 

You pity the folks having car crashes or heart attacks as they have to be squeezed into ICUs full of covid patients.

I am back to basically quarantine living. 

Gail.

[tnd]

19 hours ago, Pram said:

did you loose your spouse as well?

Pram:  Yes, I lost my husband in July. Aside from a brief stay here at home in March, he was in the hospital since December with complications from Diabetes. He never came back home. We were married for 14 years. I'm 57 and alone now and have an illness so have to move in with my brother and his family. At least I won't be out on the streets but I feel I've lost everything. But I'd live in a tent if I could have my husband back.  

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am back to basically quarantine living. 

This is no kind of life, is it. 

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

I expect everyone in the world is tired of being in this pandemic.  

In the US we have the incredible blessing of having vaccines available, for free, for everyone, and we are suffering with this huge spike in cases.  Other countries don't have the vaccine available, and I imagine they are incredulous that we have vaccines and won't take them . 

What a strange "Alice through the Looking Glass" society we have. 

I am beginning to think this pandemic is going to drag on for several more years, with new variants cropping up every so often.  

Depressing.

Gail

PS, our Governor hasn't released any Covid information for Florida since last Friday when we had 21,600 new cases in just one day!  God only knows how many more cases we have had each day since then.

[tnd]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

In the US we have the incredible blessing of having vaccines available, for free, for everyone, and we are suffering with this huge spike in cases.  Other countries don't have the vaccine available, and I imagine they are incredulous that we have vaccines and won't take them . 

Gail 8588:  I've been in and once lived in a Third World Country. People would be shocked by the way people in those countries are living. Most if not the majority, go without healthcare of any kind. And the medical care they do get is very crude. 

My gripe right now is about safety measures and masks. While I understand that people do not want the govt. telling them what to do/not do (think about those Third World Countries), people need to stop bickering about politics and just do the right thing and help to promote common sense. Wear masks! Don't congregate in crowds right now. Our Constitution is well-defended but this Covid crisis is still so new in the world, it's better to be safe than sorry.   

[Pram]

@tnd I understand your pain and situation 

[Pram]

@Gail 8588 thanks for the support 

@annie123 How is your nephew doing? Did he recover?

[Gail 8588]

Annie123,

I am still praying that your nephew recovers and returns to his wife and children.  We had lost too many already. 

Gail

[annie123]

Thank you for prayers.  My nephew is still in the hospital, day 16.  He has severe inflammation in his lungs. They are trying new meds. I hope they work.

[annie123]

Thank you for asking Pram

[Gail 8588]

Thanks for the update Annie123.   

[KayC]

15 hours ago, annie123 said:

Thank you for prayers.  My nephew is still in the hospital, day 16.  He has severe inflammation in his lungs. They are trying new meds. I hope they work.

We are still praying...