Doing my best to socialize

[june483]

The first year for me was the Covid year so it was so easy to avoid all people.  No one wanted to come to visit and I of course did not want to go anywhere.  

Now I am making every effort to try to live my life.  Can I just come out and say this without being offensive????  People are pretty pale in comparison to my husband.  We did everything together so it is hard to not have him as a buffer.  It is so hard to enjoy more than an hour or two of other people before I just want to get back home.  Someone once told me if you are bored then you are probably boring.  I think the rest of my life is destined for mediocrity.  Why did he have to be so much fun.  Why is this ordeal so hard?  Should I just breeze in and breeze out of social settings after an hour or sit there ard fein interest.

[tnd]

june483: The fact that you are getting out there I would say is huge. If you can only do an hour then so what? You've done an hour that you may not otherwise have done. And I wouldn't worry about being boring. Even before I lost my husband I was the type that could sit in the corner with just one or two people in a room full of people sounding like a stampede of rhinos passing through. And yet, I use to have a job where I had to speak before large crowds of people and had no problem with that. But that was work. Our social lives don't always mirror who we are (or have to be) for a job. I think you are doing good. You're brave and it helps me to read your experiences. Thank you for sharing this one.  

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, june483 said:

 . . .  It is so hard to enjoy more than an hour or two of other people before I just want to get back home.  . . . 

June, 

I have often felt like that when trying to socialize.  I just can't do it.  I'm counting the minutes until I can leave without seeming too rude.

I am hoping that sometime in the future this will not be so hard.  Covid has greatly reduced the number of social events I have tried to endure. I am grateful to covid for that. 

Gail

[KayC]

June, not offensive at all, I think most of us feel like you do, there is no person like the one we lost, OUR person!  Not sure if the "bored/boring" quote fits.  I'm not sure how others see me, but I know my husband adored me and hung on my every word, we saw each other as anything but boring...but this life pales in comparison to our life before.  I've also learned that comparisons are real joy-killers so I try not to go there, I try to focus on any little bit of good in my life.  There's also periods where things are better and periods where things are worse...I'm in a "worse" rough patch right now so nothing to judge anything by.  Life is like that.  Right now I have my puppy to enjoy and I focus on him.  There's not a whole lot else.  I love wildlife and nature but right now we have fires all around us and it's a constant threat so not a lot to relax/enjoy right now.  We keep going, do our best.

12 hours ago, tnd said:

june483: The fact that you are getting out there I would say is huge.

I agree.  

And Gail, here you are feeling so crummy but trying to help others, love you!

[chincube]

I too have not been able to handle too much/too long socializing, until now in fact I am still feeling it. I do attempt to socialize, but I still can't handle too much and I need longer time to "recover" by being alone. It could be the fact that I'm an introvert to begin with, but also the fact that socializing with others quite often feels like superficial.

I thought about it and it comes to socializing usually covers having fun and/or complaining. When people complain about some things, I feel like I don't understand people's priority anymore, or how people get stuck on such unimportant things. Not that I don't understand those things are very real for them (boyfriend annoying habit, office drama etc), but I just cannot feel the importance anymore. For the fun part, I started trying to have fun and laugh, but still everything seems to have its "volume" turned down. It's easier to just smile than laugh, it's easier to just be quiet when everyone's laughing.

But I am still going to socialize, gently and not too much, for I am still alive and I need interaction with people. However taking it easy as we need is important too, and knowing there's no problem how we feel/react.

[Gail 8588]

Chincube, 

I think you have the best approach.  It is good to try to have fun again in your life.  But it is a slow process.

Gail

 

[june483]

9 hours ago, chincube said:

I am still alive

exactly! - can't stop trying to make the most of whatever time we have left - ....I was never good at pretending and still stink at it now but I don't want to be rude

[tnd]

16 hours ago, chincube said:

But I am still going to socialize, gently and not too much, for I am still alive and I need interaction with people. However taking it easy as we need is important too, and knowing there's no problem how we feel/react.

I agree with this! What we do and how/when we do it needs to be on our own terms. At least for now.  

[KayC]

My daughter invited me to a 4th of July party with a family/friend of hers, I declined, I wasn't up to all of the gaiety by then (he died June 19) and she never asked me again.  Friends all ditched me, family didn't have a clue, so I get it.  I feel unincluded in a world of partners/families.

[LoveNeverDies]

I went out with coworkers last night , it was the first time I’ve been out socially since my love Terry died last November. I got a few comments such as “ you’re so quiet !” I couldn’t really enjoy being out, socializing.Terry and I were like conjoined twins, we spent every possible moment together…he was very outgoing and I’m more of an introvert. Now that he’s gone I feel like part of me is missing. It’s so hard to enjoy life when the person who gave your life meaning is gone.

[Gail 8588]

LoveNeverDies,

It is hard to explain to others, but I understand what you mean.  When I have been out to a function that John and I would have attended together, I feel so incomplete.  I look about to where John would have been, and there is a sort of ache that he is not there.  His absence  somehow feels stronger. 

I find it is a little easier to attend something that he would not have been at, like a church women's meeting. 

But anything that he would have gone to, like an oyster roast fundraiser or a Christmas party,  I can hardly  control my grief and usually have to leave very early. 

Not sure when that feeling subsides. 

Gail

[tnd]

1 hour ago, LoveNeverDies said:

It’s so hard to enjoy life when the person who gave your life meaning is gone.

LoveNeverDies:  While I think everyone is responsible for their own happiness, the majority of my happiness came from sharing a life with my husband. For that reason, he gave me purpose. I really did enjoy making him happy and I believe he felt the same about me. We always kept each other in-mind when doing things or when it came to making decisions. That was part of the fun. The togetherness. The smiles, the laughter, the exploring, all of it! And my feelings just didn't/can't change overnite because of his death. I know I need to go back to enjoying life by myself but...kind of hard to do after experiencing all that togetherness.  

[KayC]

It is not the same going to things alone, sometimes I feel it's easier just to stay home, I can't drive at night so I miss most things anyway.  I think it's true we're responsible for our own happiness but at the same time, we balanced each other and now that part is missing.