Members Popular Post Kat12 Posted July 27, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 My fiancé and I were together about 3 years. He was my first love. He was my best friend. My everyday, my everything. We were engaged for a short amount of time only 5 months. He was diagnosed with heart disease at a young age and it was passed down from his father. Throughout our relationship I witnessed his health deteriorate and at times I feel he hid his pain. In February of 2020 in our apartment I witnessed him have a heart attack and I tried saving his life doing cpr while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. But it was too late. That moment will always replay in my head. It would almost drive me crazy because I would feel so guilty I was not able to save him. Or I would think of ways I could have done things differently that day. It hurts that I was not able to say goodbye. His death was so sudden. He was so young. It’s been a year and 5 months since he’s been gone and it still hurts like it just happened. To witness him and see his last breath was the most traumatic thing I have ever seen. I miss him so much. It’s hard to accept that he’s gone and hard to move forward in life. I’ve changed since the day I lost the love of my life. I’m not the same person. I feel like I carry my sadness everywhere I go. I’m trying to move forward but I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I can never be truly happy sometimes. 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 27, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 Kat, I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband to a heart attack with diabetic complications suddenly/unexpectedly 16 years ago. We only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months to the day. We didn't meet until our mid-40s, now I'm growing old alone, this was not the plan. I hear you on the carrying the sadness, I carry my grief inside of me all of the time, people may not see it but it's there and it's true, we're never the same again. How could we be! He was my soul mate and best friend. I got another dog 3 1/2 years later, he was my soul mate in a dog, my companion, I lost him too, just before Covid started. Sometimes I wonder why I can't keep anyone/anything! You have found a good place to be here, with others that "get it!" It's so important to be able to express yourself where others understand...my family cared but had no clue what I was going through. My mom did but now she's gone too, so is my oldest sister. All our friends disappeared overnight, wow, I did not expect that on top of everything. I've had to build my life back and did...then Coviid came along and shut that down too. I will rebuild the same as I did before. Life doles stuff out, all I can do is deal with it as best as I can. It's a challenge sometimes, that's for sure. My "purpose" is being here for others just as someone was there for me on line when it happened...and also being there for my diabetic group & gleaning knowledge. I thank God for good neighbors and the little puppy my son brought me. I hope you have some support around you. Smile Permission I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kat12 Posted July 27, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 @KayC I’m sorry to hear about your losses. I fully understand you. It’s great to have experienced love and a soulmate. That’s so great to have had a dog companion. I have a dog too! I appreciate you sharing your story and for the information and tips with grief. I will look over the information. That’s great you are doing well And trying to help others. Life is confusing sometimes. Thank you for reaching out. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kat12 Posted July 27, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 @Valerie Lockhart I’m sorry to hear about your losses. I understand how you feel. Thank you for reaching out I appreciate you. It seems you understand so well. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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