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He was my rock... 8 months later and it still leaves me sobbing


Pathogen

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Pathogen

I will never have human children of my own. I suffer from multiple autoimmune disorders as well as a hefty dose of depression. So hopefully, when I say my boy Riordan - a 14 year old rescue I got when he was 5/6 was my rock... People will understand. 

On December 3rd 2020 I received the worst call I could ever have gotten - Riordan was attacked by another dog while out for a walk. Tore open part of his throat, pockets 5-6 inches deep. He was going to go into surgery, but they did blood work before the surgery. His calcium was massively high - so much so that it most likely indicated cancer.

We had told the vet about the small mass in his chest they found a couple of months prior. At the time, it was about the size of a ping pong ball and they recommended we watch it and image it again in 6-9 months. 

We asked the ER vet to do another x-ray to see if the mass had grown. It had grown rapidly and was taking up about 15-20% of his chest, pressing on his heart and lungs. The vet didn't think he has more than a couple of weeks before he deteriorated and wouldn't make it through the surgery. So they cleaned him up and stabilized him to come home. 

So, two days later after spoiling him with burgers and whip cream and chicken, we put my handsome old man to sleep. 

Words cannot describe the pain or hurt that I felt at that moment. Riordan was a sassy old drama queen but I loved him to death. The last eight years with him have been full or ups and downs, but he was always my solid rock. I loved him dearly and I miss him so much. While I am furious at the family of the dog that attacked him (and then subsequently attacked my roommate the next day when he went to talk to the family) I can only be grateful that my Bubbers spent his last few days up, walking, and still being (mostly) his normal self. 

While I am still trying to process that he is gone, 2020 continued with the punches as later the night we let him go, I found out my grandfather passed away. As I am frantically trying to handle all of this, I was less than a week away from my last final of my first semester of medical school. It may be 8 months later, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Sometimes... I just can handle it and I sit here sobbing wondering if I gave him the life he deserved and if we made the best decision. My heart is broken and my beautiful boy is gone.

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I am so sorry for your loss and for the way it happened.  I lost my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, to cancer 8/16/19.  He was my everything, having lost my husband suddenly 16 years ago.  Yes I understand how you are feeling/describing him.  

12/10/19 my son brought me a puppy, Kodie, and he's my companion, I don't know how I would have survived the last 1 1/2 years without him, little did I know Covid was about to hit with all of its social isolation upending my life as I knew it.  A neighbor's dog attacked him when he was just a 4 1/2 lb puppy, sleeping.  A year later same neighbor let their other dog out without thought to anything and I was walking Kodie across the street and their dog attacked and shook him, his little body in his teeth, repeatedly, more times than I can count!  He cried and cried and cried!  I screamed for help and the owner meandered over, taking his time and got his dog off mine.  We were very lucky, only damaged muscle, had an ultrasound done, it happened at 2:30 pm and we got home from the ER vet at 1 am.  Had him on Rxs for a couple of weeks and he pulled through it, but I'm well aware of how fortunate we are, now I carry Halt Spray with me and forewarned all of the neighbors that I would use it if another dog came after my sweet little guy.  

I am sorry you also lost your grandfather.  Multiple Losses

I'm sure you gave your dog all that you could and he is grateful, and you did make the best decision for him, exchanging his pain for your own.  We second guess ourselves in early grief, going through all of the "What ifs" in a way of trying to find a different possible outcome because the one that happened is so abhorrent to us!  But there is no other outcome save the one that happened.  I remember the pain all too well in those early days...I still love and miss my Arlie and find myself talking to him as if his spirit can hear me...no one can say for sure he can't.  Who knows.

I understand your furor.  It never should have happened.  I get that, I feel the same towards the owner of Kyro that just let his dog out of his car outside their open gate, it never should have happened.  They said they didn't know, well that is why we have leash laws!  Dogs operate on a different set of rules than people do, people never realize what their dogs can be capable of, if it's never happened before.  Don't let my sweet little puppy learn the hard way with your irresponsibility!  Right?!  I'm so sorry this was your experience.  It never should have happened.  

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

I hope this video brings you some comfort to think upon...

 

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I am so sorry for your loss. :( It's hard to be objective with your own pet, but you did the right thing - you may have saved him from needless suffering only to get a few more days. It does not make it any easier. It takes a long time to grieve and reach some level of peace. I'm at almost 4 years since one of the worst nights of my life, watching my cat suffer and eventually be put down. My heart breaks still.   

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Pathogen,

I am in a similar situation as yours.  It's been six months.  My heart is still quite swollen with tears and they come quite often.  It is hard to overstate just how deeply a dog (or other pet) can burrow into your heart. I go through those moments of wondering if I did enough for my boy while he was alive and did I do the best for him at the end, and I feel better to remember that it's quite possible that he was the one taking care of me rather than vice versa and all he wanted was to do a good job of that, and he sure did.  So he lived a full life in that regard and now he's in heaven, which he deserves.  Actually, it was always a very two-way relationship; we took good care of each other.  Was I perfect?  No.  Did I love him to pieces?  Yes.  He was loved. He knew it. 

I feel better also when I imagine my Dad, who was a dog person,  in heaven playing fetch with my dog. 

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@Meezer  I am so sorry, I know the pain all too well.  I hope my late husband has made the acquaintance of my Arlie and is getting to know what I already learned about him.

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