Members Popular Post tnd Posted July 21, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 21, 2021 I don't know when it hurts more; during the middle of the night when your lying wide awake and you look over and your loved one isn't there or when you're stressed out and they aren't there to help or to talk to. Regardless, it hurts. I don't even feel like myself anymore. It's like overnight I changed. I went from being happily married with my husband here at home every night to being "this strange person alone". Almost sounds like the title to a creepy movie. Won't be much longer now that my brother and the movers will be here and off I go to another state, into somebody else's home. I am grateful that my brother and his wife are taking me in but, I don't know who I am or what I'm to be now. Right now I feel like I am just existing. Sometimes literally from one hour to the next. And until I move, I can't enjoy what I use to here. It's too sad. I no longer sit by the window to watch people walking their dogs or to watch for birds and I no longer watch television or play the radio or any music. I can't even look at the walls because we hadn't lived here long and both loved it so much that we could see ourselves staying in this apartment "forever" is how my husband put it. And I agreed. And now I can't have conversations like that anymore and someone to agree with. I don't read much news anymore because face it, it's all depressing and wildly ridiculous these days. Don't people know that so many of us are grieving?? And other people are fighting and killing each other and innocent bystanders. It's like the whole world has gone mad. I want to shake these people. Don't they know?? I want to tell them to stop acting stupid and do something constructive and positive and....to love and care for people. Things happen. It did to all of us on this site. Life is so precious. I wish I could have this talk with my husband. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 21, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 21, 2021 I could not sleep in our bed anymore. It's still here, but trying to sleep in it is a huge reminder of his not being here. I sleep in our loveseat recliner, I don't know why I feel comfort there and not in our bed, but I've learned to do what brings comfort instead of pain, and things hit us all differrently. 7 hours ago, tnd said: I want to tell them to stop acting stupid and do something constructive and positive and....to love and care for people. Yes. Our world has gone plumb crazy. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted July 21, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 21, 2021 3 hours ago, KayC said: I could not sleep in our bed anymore. It's still here, but trying to sleep in it is a huge reminder of his not being here. I sleep in our loveseat recliner, I don't know why I feel comfort there and not in our bed, but I've learned to do what brings comfort instead of pain, and things hit us all differrently. I didn't sleep in our bed for some time, then I moved to the spare room. After a while I started thinking that if I went to our bed he might come and hold me. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 21, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted July 21, 2021 6 hours ago, KayC said: I could not sleep in our bed anymore. It's still here, but trying to sleep in it is a huge reminder of his not being here. KayC: Guess that is why I don't sleep under the covers anymore. I sleep on/in sheets on top of the comforter. Funny, the comforter is no longer a comforter... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 22, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 22, 2021 17 hours ago, tnd said: I don't know when it hurts more; during the middle of the night when your lying wide awake and you look over and your loved one isn't there or when you're stressed out and they aren't there to help or to talk to. Regardless, it hurts. I don't even feel like myself anymore. It's like overnight I changed. I went from being happily married with my husband here at home every night to being "this strange person alone". Almost sounds like the title to a creepy movie. Won't be much longer now that my brother and the movers will be here and off I go to another state, into somebody else's home. I am grateful that my brother and his wife are taking me in but, I don't know who I am or what I'm to be now. Right now I feel like I am just existing. Sometimes literally from one hour to the next. And until I move, I can't enjoy what I use to here. I suspect that all sounds familiar to many of us here. I'm so sorry. For me bed time is the worst. There's a reason I don't get to bed until 2 or 3 AM most nights. I dread it. With our dog even it was hard, but now that he's gone, it's that much harder. And you're right. The world has gone mad. You said it all very eloquently. Hold on. It's a cliche but it's true in this situation: take it a day at a time. If necessary, an hour at a time. I wouldn't say this ever gets easy, but it does get easier. The pain will not stay so searing. It's not that the pain goes away, but it does become duller and more tolerable over time. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 22, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted July 22, 2021 53 minutes ago, widower2 said: There's a reason I don't get to bed until 2 or 3 AM most nights. I dread it. widower2: Even if I get into bed at 10pm I am still awake at 2 or 3am. I could probably do a little cleaning then but being in an apartment I wouldn't want to wake the neighbors. So I either just lay there or move into the living room and sit in the dark. Sooo tired but sleep escapes me. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 22, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 22, 2021 They say if you're not tired, don't go to bed. And I agree...just laying there accomplishes nothing. I know you said you don't watch TV but maybe read or browse the internet or...something. I'd rather do anything other than lay in bed wide awake. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted July 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 22, 2021 I do crossword puzzles. They require some concentration so they stop me thinking too much. I often don't go to sleep until after 3 am. I have pills I can take but they leave me groggy. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 22, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted July 22, 2021 Thank you, widower2 and LMR. Yes, if I can't sleep I get up. We can't force ourselves to sleep. And yet I am so tired! I use to watch silly animal videos and a little anime before calling it a day but just haven't been into it lately. And I used to love to read but my eyes are acting badly these days. I remember telling my husband that we needed to get back into the habit of reading in bed before turning out the lights. Somewhere along the way we stopped doing that and I don't know why. Maybe once I stop crying so often my eyes will want to read a good book. There are actually a lot of things I want to do, just not able to right now or in the mood. Guess it will be a while. But even so I want to still think about enjoying things again. Trying to keep my eye on the prize... 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post slrittz Posted August 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted August 4, 2021 On 7/21/2021 at 12:35 AM, tnd said: I don't know when it hurts more; during the middle of the night when your lying wide awake and you look over and your loved one isn't there or when you're stressed out and they aren't there to help or to talk to. Regardless, it hurts. I don't even feel like myself anymore. It's like overnight I changed. I went from being happily married with my husband here at home every night to being "this strange person alone". Almost sounds like the title to a creepy movie. Won't be much longer now that my brother and the movers will be here and off I go to another state, into somebody else's home. I am grateful that my brother and his wife are taking me in but, I don't know who I am or what I'm to be now. Right now I feel like I am just existing. Sometimes literally from one hour to the next. And until I move, I can't enjoy what I use to here. It's too sad. I no longer sit by the window to watch people walking their dogs or to watch for birds and I no longer watch television or play the radio or any music. I can't even look at the walls because we hadn't lived here long and both loved it so much that we could see ourselves staying in this apartment "forever" is how my husband put it. And I agreed. And now I can't have conversations like that anymore and someone to agree with. I don't read much news anymore because face it, it's all depressing and wildly ridiculous these days. Don't people know that so many of us are grieving?? And other people are fighting and killing each other and innocent bystanders. It's like the whole world has gone mad. I want to shake these people. Don't they know?? I want to tell them to stop acting stupid and do something constructive and positive and....to love and care for people. Things happen. It did to all of us on this site. Life is so precious. I wish I could have this talk with my husband. I know exactly what you mean. Tomorrow will be four months and I am more LOST and confused than I was on month one. I have always been an able, independent woman. Now I realize that my strength was rooted in the fact that I always knew he was behind me for 38 years. Some days will not be as bad and I feel like the open wound is healing. And then I will remember our simple things, like news shows we watched together, etc and I fall apart. It is the loss of this sharing of life that is devastating! We were friends, lovers, companions and so much more. The tiny little rituals that were seemingly insignificant at the time are the ones that make me feel like my heart is being ripped from my body. In addition to losing my "person" my life has been chaotic in so many other ways; building a house, moving, adult child drama, and so much more. I good have an incredible pity party. However, I think the chaos worked as an anesthetic or a distraction and I was numb. Now that things are settling down. that numbness is wearing off and I am seeing the long road I will be traveling alone, which leaves me feeling very disoriented and lost. It is comforting to know that I have fellow travelers on this journey. Not in a "misery loves company" way; but in the sense that we can understand the depth of one another's grief. I pray for healing and peace for all of us... 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted August 4, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted August 4, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, slrittz said: Now that things are settling down. that numbness is wearing off and I am seeing the long road I will be traveling alone, which leaves me feeling very disoriented and lost. slrittz: I'm sorry that you are alone now. That probably is why you feel disoriented and lost. The chaos you had earlier is over and now it's quiet, except now you are forced to face going on without your other half. It might be quiet but this part is "screaming" at you. I don't think anything could have prepared us for this. And distractions are only temporary. Now comes the long road ahead. I'm use to sharing the drive and now I've got to finish my journey without MY other half. We are going to have to be strong enough I guess to learn to let friends/family share the driving now. I just hope I don't give up because I don't think my husband would want me to. Edited August 4, 2021 by tnd to add content 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post june483 Posted August 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted August 4, 2021 The first year I would put his t-shirt over a pillow and lay with my arm or leg or back up against it. Then to stop my mind from racing I put on old sitcom reruns and fall asleep watching them. I still fall asleep to sitcoms. We never had a TV in our bedroom but now I do and it is my distraction else my mind will wander to places that prevent me from sleeping. It is hard to not have him here to help me when I'm stressed and have decisions to make. The harder thing for me is to not have him here to see the grandkids growing up and how much they chatter now - perhaps he can see them still. Sadness sets in at night when I am tired but I am finding the mornings are so empty. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted August 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted August 4, 2021 9 hours ago, june483 said: Sadness sets in at night when I am tired but I am finding the mornings are so empty. june483: Same with me. We'd sit and have our coffee together in the mornings. It was worth getting up early for. We usually didn't talk about serious matters, just sit and enjoy our coffee together. Now at bedtime, I go lie down and feel as tho nothing was accomplished and miss him. That was when we'd usually lie back and go "Ah...", knowing the day had come to an end and we could talk a little and fall asleep. Back in the day, he use to travel for his work once a month. I didn't like him being away but always knew he was coming home. This is very different. Knowing that he won't be coming home. It changes my whole outlook on life. I never want to just assume things but I imagine everyone on here has a different view on life now. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post widower2 Posted August 5, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted August 5, 2021 13 hours ago, june483 said: The first year I would put his t-shirt over a pillow and lay with my arm or leg or back up against it. Then to stop my mind from racing I put on old sitcom reruns and fall asleep watching them. I still fall asleep to sitcoms. We never had a TV in our bedroom but now I do and it is my distraction else my mind will wander to places that prevent me from sleeping. We used to do that too - I don't have a TV in the bedroom but put the alarm on snooze every night. There used to be a classical channel I had on but they went away so now I'm bouncing around - public radio is horrible here though. Often I default to "Christian rock" not for religious reasons but because it's the best music on. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members june483 Posted August 5, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 5, 2021 On 8/3/2021 at 10:29 PM, slrittz said: I feel like the open wound is healing. And then I will remember our simple things Oh yes - More often now I feel like the rocking boat is level for awhile and I think, I can navigate these waters, then - bam! Yesterday I had to call a tree cutter - he got on the phone and I said "I think you've done work for us before" - and he said, "yes, I've done work for Rico a few times" and my insides flipped over - then it was hard to keep my voice level and calm - I was so afraid he would ask about him - Why does it rip out my guts when I hear someone tell me they knew him? It strikes such a raw nerve that I cannot fully grasp!- I love so much to hear that he was remembered -- he was well liked, you'd think it would just warm my heart but it rips a hole right through me instead. Now I've been in a funk these past two days..... 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 5, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted August 5, 2021 June, I'm sorry, I remember how that felt. George was so good with people. Now so many years have gone by that few remember him,rarely does anyone bring up his name. I don't know which is worse, just know that I care. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members slrittz Posted August 5, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 5, 2021 June: I feel the same way when people speak about Don...."please don't ask how he is..." As you said, not because I don't want him remembered the awesome man he was; but because I will fall apart... 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted August 17, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2021 I know I can't be mad at anyone for the current situation I am in and certainly not at my husband but wish I could be. Just when I start to feel mad at him I stop. None of this is his fault. It's not his fault that I am now going through the worst time of my life. And being so mistreated or abandoned by family. But who can we be mat at?? Seems I've only got myself to blame. Sorry, don't mean to be such a downer or like I am giving myself a pity-party but really, I am angry and can't help but think that if my husband were still alive, none of what I am going through/being put through just to survive would be happening. There...I vented. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted August 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2021 Crazy as it seems my husband and I once talked about being in such a situation. We decided the best way out was to rob a bank! Either you would get away and have money or you would get arrested and put in prison. At least you would have a roof over your head. I think a lot of seniors have thought about this. We can always afford to house a criminal but cannot help our more deserving citizens. Unfortunately they dont allow pets. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 18, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted August 18, 2021 It's okay to vent. It 's okay to feel anger, maybe it's just at life itself and how it doles things out. It doesn't have to target a specific person, it can just be at the situation. That's enough. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted August 23, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted August 23, 2021 I want to be mad. But why should I be? Doesn't solve anything. I even started to feel angry towards my husband. I just keep thinking that if he hadn't of died I wouldn't be facing homelessness or worse. But none of this is his fault. And if he could see how my family is treating me now I am sure he'd be very upset. All this is so painful and hurts beyond anything I've ever experienced. Or thought of. In fact, I've never considered that things would ever end up like this. And I've had a tough life, lots of experience and never short on survival skills. But this is way too much. Never could have imagined... I was lying down on the bed and looking at my cat directly in the eyes. He was giving me this look as if to be saying "Mama, you are upset. I don't know why but pet me and you might feel better". That's why my nickname for him is "Comfort Kitty". I will pet him and soon be so relaxed that I fall asleep. But that hasn't happened in a while. And now I cry with the thought that I may have to give up my cats. My only comfort. I think about the days ahead, where I will be or if I will even be alive and it is all just so depressing but also angering just to be in this position. And I've got family! I think that if I am able to get into some sort of housing and not be dependent on my brother and SIL (as my SIL put it, they will provide "limited" assistance), that someday when/if I am back on my feet I will have the satisfaction of cutting them out of my life -for good. Right now tho, I am trying to avoid dark thoughts. I don't need the negativity. I need my cats tho. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted August 24, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 24, 2021 Tnd, Enjoy the comfort of your cats tonight. It is good to try to keep focused on 'now'. Right now, you are home, safe, you have Comfort Kitty, and his brother(?). Tomorrow may bring changes, good or bad, but for now pet Comfort Kitty and reminisce with him about happier times. As so many others have stated, I am praying for some positive resolution of your plight. Perhaps the APS woman will call with a plan tomorrow. Perhaps tomorrow your SIL can give you the name and phone number of the person she has been speaking with. But for tonight, just enjoy your time with your fur-babies. There are times when it is clear very little is in our control. Wishing I could give you hugs. Gail 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 24, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted August 24, 2021 19 hours ago, tnd said: That's why my nickname for him is "Comfort Kitty". I will pet him and soon be so relaxed that I fall asleep. How many cats do you have? I find comfort in animals too. Wishing so much for you... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted August 24, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted August 24, 2021 4 hours ago, KayC said: How many cats do you have? I find comfort in animals too. KayC: I have two. One female, one male. Orangie the male Ginger Tabby is my Comfort Kitty. We rescued him from our backyard years back (when we still had the house). He was obviously a stray because he was getting beaten up by the ferals and was injured and very skinny (starving). I think he was abandoned. He had a big bleeding gash and bite hole on his rear leg and foot. My husband rescued him using cat food. I then quarantined him in our garage for 3 weeks while I posted him in the lost and found and on craigslist. No one claimed him. Then we took him to the Humane Society but they didn't want him either...they said he had ringworm and they didn't want it spreading through their cat facility. And gee, I always thought that was the place that cared for animals! Dummy me! I was so angry. I knew it wasn't ringworm, it was an injury. So we took him to the vet and sure enough, the vet confirmed the injury and proved to me that it wasn't ringworm. He said I did a good job at tending to his wounds and he wouldn't even need an antibiotic or stitches. We decided to keep him and he immediately got along with our other 2 cats that we had at the time and even our big dog. He's very affectionate but doesn't not like to be picked up and because we never had people over, he is not sociable. I am sure an animal shelter would deem him as being "unadoptable" and would only euthanize him. Our other cat is a big long-haired Maine Coon Mix. She is gigantic! Her name is Baby Girl or "BG" for short. She was a feral. Took me 3 months to tame her enough before she'd even let me pick her up and bring her inside. It was a long process and I had to work with her every day at the same time every day until she trusted me. The vet was very surprised I was able to tame her. Ferals are basically born outdoors, have had no human contact and are wild. They are not friendly, behaving just as a wild animal does. They can be dangerous. So I am very proud of taming her. She has become very affectionate altho still has some of the feral in her. She is not sociable with strangers. For that reason, she would also probably be deemed as "unadoptable" by an animal shelter and euthanized. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 25, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted August 25, 2021 I realize what a feat that was! I befriended an orange feral cat, named him Peek-a-Boo because he always peeked around the corner at me. He was very diseased and too far gone, had to have him put down a year after I'd started feeding him. Someone let him in my house once and he went nuts, seriously climbing the walls frantically trying to get out! He was very wild. So I can admire what you've done with Comfort Kitty, it's neat that you've bonded like this. I still hope and pray you can find a place to live and KEEP them. My pastor has a Maine Coon, very beautiful, and over 20 lbs, he's very affectionate, their other one hides and doesn't want to see anyone. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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