10 Weeks

[Pam B]

He  went to the ER on Halloween and called me later in the afternoon to tell me he was there.  I knew there was a problem; calls during the work day indicated a problem.  There were concerns about his blood work.  He told me they suspected a heart attack.  After the weekend in the hospital with unexplained fever that couldn't be controlled...cancer came up.  The bone marrow biopsy on Monday confirmed Luekemia. AML to be exact.  A plan was developed. Progress was not made despite every effort: Port, chemo, meds to improve appetite, etc.  The port failed--infection!  The transfusions became more frequent and closer together.  The weight loss continues--80+ lbs lost in 3 months.  The chemo was the easiest form available from the BEST oncologist around.  He fought a losing battle over 10 weeks!  Losing him crushes me even 18 months later

[tnd]

I am so very sorry for your loss, Pam B. Whether it's sudden or was to be expected, the loss of our spouses is by far the worst pain I think we could feel. Your loss sounds very traumatic. Obviously the pain is still fresh. From what I read from other people on here it can take years before the pain lessens and even then, we still grieve in some form. You are only 18 months into it. I am only a little more than a month into it. This pain often feels too great to handle. But I come here and find the support helps me and even offers me a little comfort. You are in good company because we've all experienced this terrible loss. The more you share the more you will find that someone else on here is going thru the same thing and they will let you know it. So keep posting and sharing. We feel for you! And we're here for you too! 

[MaryB]

Pam B, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm only 23 months into dealing with my husband's death from cancer.  What took him from me was a blood clot and that happened suddenly and right in front of me.  I still going over that day in my head.  Since that day I have lost two very good friends and there are some days when the grief is just so overwhelming.  I found this site about three weeks ago and it has already helped me tremendously.  You're in the right place, with people who understand and are here for you.  

tnd, I see you're in TX.  My husband was a native Texan and was so proud of that.  I'm going to visit his family in a couple of weeks.  This is my first time going by myself and I'm not sure what to expect.  I feel like I'm taking you all with me since I have this app on my phone!

[KayC]

Pam, I am so sorry, nothing we can say or do will ease the pain but it helps to know there are others here that get it and understand, we've lost our spouses too.  I am just so sorry that you also have joined the ranks...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gail 8588]

PamB, 

I am so sorry for your loss. At 18 months you may have lost some of the support friends and even family provided early on. People often don't know what to do or say as we struggle with our grief over the long term. 

Here on this site, we get it. Our lives have been shattered too.  It's not something you "get over". 

Come here to vent, cry, reach out for help. We will provide what comfort we can.  It helps to just read others posts and see that you are not weak or crazy, and that others are experiencing the same sort of pain.  

You are not alone. We will be here for you. 

Gail

[june483]

On 7/20/2021 at 10:04 PM, Pam B said:

Losing him crushes me even 18 months later

 

Yes Pam - I hear you loud and clear......I lost my husband in Feb 2020 after 2 years of chemo, radiation battles - some wins during that time just to give us false hope - then 3 weeks of infection hell --- poor guy....  I try not to think of all that bad stuff.  I can actually remember the good stuff and talk about it now without crying so that is a huge step forward - but I am still burying the bad stuff.  The pain of losing him is so strong, but the pain of remembering what he went through - and we had such desperate hopes - hand in hand forging that horrible path to his ultimate demise - we both knew where that path led and tried our best to hold each other up during that time.  It is just too horrible to rehash. For me I still try to keep my mind out of there as best I can.