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Realization


John9

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I read in the other thread where tnd listed the three ways likely she'd die from, grief, her illness, or stress.  Of the three ways I'd prefer not to go by stress.  If being alone would kill us I surely would have died by now.  But I have Kodie now, so glad that I do, it gives me incentive.

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I’m glad you’re posting John9 and expressing your feelings. The cycle of pain and aloneness is intense, but it will let up.
 

Thoughts and prayers coming your way brother. 

Steve

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tnd,

I am truly sorry about the current situation, My loving wife and I didn't shout at each other but we had some disagreements that lasted longer than they should have. Sadly most of the "recent" ones involved MIL and her "attitude" toward me because My loving wife didn't see it happen and didn't want to believe her Mother would "do That". I can't honestly say we never went to bed angry, nothing lasted very long though it was "done" the next morning, calmer heads prevailed. I miss her so much and like you I can't have her back so now what do I do. I don't want to be a different person but it can't be the same so.....Everything is so different,even the things I have done forever, because my loving wife isn't here and I hate it which is now cause and effect. But even though I know this I can't stop it because I am in Hell.

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6 minutes ago, John9 said:

I miss her so much and like you I can't have her back so now what do I do. I don't want to be a different person but it can't be the same so.....Everything is so different,even the things I have done forever, because my loving wife isn't here and I hate it

John9:  I don't want to be a different person now either. I keep telling myself that I am a widow now and well, it just doesn't seem right. My husband and I use to be so full of life, we did a lot of laughing together and although we weren't exactly exciting people, we were adventurous in our own way. We truly did enjoy the simple things in life. We didn't even try "keeping up with the Joneses", we were our own people. And we were both very very practical. Not what I'd call "tightwads" or "penny pinchers" but we carefully explored all options before making a final decision. Things had to make sense to us or we would leave it behind. Right now, I feel like nothing makes sense but I can't just leave it behind and forget about it either. Wish I could. Really really wish none of this was real. 

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tnd,

I truly understand everything you just wrote and again I could have written most of it. I also "wish" this wasn't real. We didn't care what others had or what they thought about us, always tried to live our own lives and stay out of everyone's "business" and just asked for the same. Didn't always work that way but we just wanted to enjoy ourselves and be with each other. As I said this really hurts now especially because it should be our time since MIL died but sadly it didn't work that way and there is nothing that makes me want to think about any kind of future without her, so now it is one day at a time in every sense of the word. I have to take it one day at a time to survive and one day at a time because what else can I do. I am forced sometimes to "plan" because nothing happens NOW and appointments must be made but those are out of my control like my life now. But as we know this hurry up and wait part of our lives now is much more annoying than it ever was before. I can't control it and I will never understand why things are the way they are but it is just one more stress issue.

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2 minutes ago, John9 said:

I have to take it one day at a time to survive and one day at a time because what else can I do. I am forced sometimes to "plan" because nothing happens NOW and appointments must be made but those are out of my control like my life now.

John9:  I had been taking it one day at a time for a long time before losing my husband. Now it's more like taking it one moment or hour at a time. One issue at a time. One task at a time. And not necessarily because of my illness. Grief is hard to work with. It's weighing me down in ways I never thought possible. I use to think nothing/no one could stop me or get in my way. If there was something I needed or wanted to do, I did it. Now....time hardly even moves and neither do I.    

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34 minutes ago, John9 said:

my mind just "reminds" me I am ALONE in bed

I had to quit using our bed and sleep on a reclining loveseat now with my puppy.  I realize it's in my mind but anything that helps...

I'm sorry, I wish it didn't hurt so much, it takes much time but eventually it lessens...more time than one would think.  Be understanding and patient with yourself, we need all we can muster.

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18 hours ago, John9 said:

So, today was the virtual "Memorial" from U of M Hospital for "all" of those who died since January 2021. I watched it and it was nice BUT when it came to the names of those that died, My loving wife's name was not listed. Now I know that it seems petty because it means nothing to them but why send a postcard about something and not list the person whose name is on the postcard. I am just venting again and now a sad situation is made sadder by another issue that is out of my control. I never should have even attempted to watch because all I did was cry through the whole thing and to not see her listed just crushed me even more than I was.

I hope you contact them and let them know they missed her, I am so sorry it happened.  I wasn't able to attend when the hospital did their memorial, I live quite a ways and it was held at night, I had to get up early to commute to work.  It didn't mean as much to me though, a bunch of strangers as opposed to the memorial we held that was packed out locally.  Those who knew him and loved him.

12 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It should (again, fingers crossed and not tempting fate) be approved back to 6/9/21, which could mean a nice lump sum to help with first/last, moving, etc.

I surely hope so.  Sooner rather than later.

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40 minutes ago, KayC said:

I hope you contact them and let them know they missed her, I am so sorry it happened. 

KayC,

Thank you and yes I did send an email AND someone actually responded ON a Sunday. She said this was only the second virtual Memorial that was done and there are still issues and she said she wants to speak to me, we will see how that goes. I understand the personal Memorial aspect because the on that my loving wife's work did for her was very good because they did in fact know her versus a generic "service" for all who were lost and then a picture and/or a name but since "I" was invited to attend it (online) they should make sure everything is in place whether it is "new" or not. I know I'm being petty but like everything else we have talked about, if I don't say something then nothing will ever be fixed or resolved. I didn't expect any answer to my email because it seems that nobody ever answers me and maybe nothing will happen but if I can help someone else not have to experience this at the worst time then I will try.I'm not sure if I will be able to talk to her without losing it but we will see. Of course that would mean she will in fact have to call me.

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3 hours ago, John9 said:

I know I'm being petty

No, you are NOT "being petty" as this is so important not only to you but anyone now or in the future who is omitted.  I'm so glad you did call attention to the flaw/oversight!

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On 10/10/2021 at 8:49 AM, KayC said:

I hope and pray your disability gets approved soon!  I don't supposed they'll back date it to when you applied?  I know, probably a stupid question, this is the gov't we're dealing with.

KayC:  Actually, they told me my benefits would be retroactive back to the day my husband passed. Nice to know I am sort of building a little savings while I wait but does me no good right now. 

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On 10/10/2021 at 1:00 PM, John9 said:

So, today was the virtual "Memorial" from U of M Hospital for "all" of those who died since January 2021. I watched it and it was nice BUT when it came to the names of those that died, My loving wife's name was not listed.

John9:  I'm sorry that happened. Surely they fowled something up but it's hurt you. Things like this don't help us. 

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5 hours ago, John9 said:

but since "I" was invited to attend it (online) they should make sure everything is in place whether it is "new" or not. I know I'm being petty but like everything else

John9:  I don't think it's petty when you were specifically notified and invited to attend a virtual memorial and then they left off your wife' name. They messed up, it's as plain and simple as that. 

As people who are grieving, I don't think we should be concerned about whether we are being petty or not about how we feel. If people don't get it then that is there problem to figure out. They can speak up and ask us questions or ask us to explain what we mean and talk about it. But if they don't, I wouldn't give it any more thought. I try to be good at explaining why I do/don't do something, especially when it comes to my illness and limitations. And if it's about my husband I try even harder to explain what is going through my mind. Sometimes it helps me to say it out loud to someone. If they get sick of it, then they can say so but until or unless they do, I'm going to continue. Same thing applies to anything "others" may look at as being petty.   

 

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tnd,

I thank you for the comments and I also hope that your benefits come through "soon" and am hoping that when it happens that what they told you is correct. I only add that part because as "we" know things aren't done until the paperwork is complete and that is always the kicker isn't it. I just get so tired of feeling that things shouldn't be happening this way and I am not just talking about my loving wife's death, I mean everything else that is "falling apart". Why is it this way and why at the worst time of "our" lives. It is probably not that everything is wrong it just seems that way because I am so tired, stressed, worn out, beat down and yes as you say feeling like roadkill. I can't be in the house and I can't be outside the house, nothing feels right or seems right. I am just OFF, no matter what I do I seem to do it wrong or at the wrong time. And there is nobody here with me who understands it, I'm not talking about this forum I'm talking here physically. Something is wrong with my "world" right now besides the death of my loving wife or totally because of that, I don't know. I am still trying to figure out what I am supposed to do but these issues just make it harder to think straight.

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4 minutes ago, John9 said:

It is probably not that everything is wrong it just seems that way because I am so tired, stressed, worn out, beat down and yes as you say feeling like roadkill.

John9:  I think it's hard to do and take care of other things right now because of our grief. Our conscience and our hearts know what has happened and what is missing. I'm starting to understand what others mean when they say people like you and me are still very early into our grief journeys. Very early. And it's too hard to set it aside to do and think of anything else. So sometimes I just retreat to my little room and sit there. I close my eyes and try not to think about anything. Nothing. Seems almost impossible but I do sit there and take the time I need. Then when I'm ready, I get back up and go try to complete some sort of small task and then rest and sit again. It's like inching my way through the day. I have to mostly because of my illness but using the same pacing method helps towards dealing with things I need to do and grieving. I do my best now to hold my tears back until I am in my room for the night. Or for when I can at least go to my room. I try now not to cry in front of anyone. There may be other people in the house but unfortunately, there are times when I feel very alone or ignored. It's as if I'm not even here or in the same room. It's weird and it hurts. But I'm going to just roll with it now. As for how you are feeling, hopefully you will find your own pace and how to roll with it. At least we can come on here and be amongst those who understand. If I couldn't I don't know what I'd do. 

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tnd,

I agree with you about it being "early" but it seems so long ago and it hurts so much. I think that as long as I keep on keeping on that I am doing the best I can. I reluctantly get up in the mornings and don't go back to bed as much as I "want" to, but that is not a cycle I want get into. I do really have to force myself to do things but it is hard to when I don't care about much of anything. I know I have to do things because nobody else will do it because there is nobody else to do it and it is only going to cause an issue for me but....It is hard because I have done so much for so many for so long that now that it is only me I don't feel right doing for myself. This is also why my grief is probably still not fully surfaced, I held it too long so I could do what I had to do and I am still afraid to let it out. I don't know what is going to break down the dam and let it go but it will probably be something unrelated to anything or just a random thought that triggers me completely.

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22 minutes ago, John9 said:

.It is hard because I have done so much for so many for so long that now that it is only me I don't feel right doing for myself.

John9:  Forgive me if this doesn't come out right but, since when is grieving thought of in the same way as treating yourself to some forbidden dessert or splurging on something? Grieving isn't a selfish act, it's a response to a terrible loss we've experienced. At least that's how I look at it. I don't think it is wrong to grieve, as if it's taking away from anyone else. I've heard about "delayed grief" but admit I haven't read up on it. Maybe that would help. In my case I am only delaying it until I can go to my room. And when I get my own place, believe me, the tears and the moans will come whenever I want. But in your case, it seems you are almost paranoid to grieve. Or maybe because you were so depended on for so long that you think grieving may effect your personal strength or how others view you. I don't think it does and if it does, screw them! If we don't have others to sit and talk with while we cry then we should at least feel guilt-free to do it when we are alone. 

I've started to get into a routine here. I try to get up and go to bed the same time every day to set my internal body clock. That has helped more than I thought it would. And now I am trying to hold back my tears until I'm alone in my room, usually/preferably at night. This has also helped. I was the sort of person who was used to having a routine and having to go by a schedule. Once my husband passed though, my days and nights became one big blur and they ran together. I still struggle with the time thing but I am going to give it a while before I give up on this idea. Crazy as it sounds, I call it "scheduled grieving". Maybe you can set your alarm clock to go off loud enough to wake you and then decide on a time to call it a night and go to bed. If you can't sleep, turn the TV on low and try again but I wouldn't start doing chores or anything in the middle of the night. The idea is to make your brain and body use to a certain time for resting/sleeping. Maybe you've already tried these things but keep trying. Let go of the idea that you have to be depended on right now...YOUR life depends on it! 

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1 hour ago, tnd said:

Let go of the idea that you have to be depended on right now...YOUR life depends on it! 

tnd,

Nothing you said was "wrong", I just meant that I have forced myself to keep going while caring for MIL and not let my grief fully come out and now it still not "out". I cry daily but it doesn't feel like I know how to let my grief out. Maybe deep down I feel that you are right and my life depends on it and my brain is looking for an out. I know what my broken heart wants, I don't know what my brain wants. I'm going through the motions but like I said it seems off. I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to do, why I am still here how much more pain I can endure and how much more stress my body can handle too. I am thankful that my loving wife didn't have to go through this but I don't want it either. This is just so hard and I miss her so much.

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17 hours ago, tnd said:

Grieving isn't a selfish act, it's a response to a terrible loss we've experienced.

Yes and you are very correct!

17 hours ago, tnd said:

I've heard about "delayed grief" but admit I haven't read up on it. Maybe that would help.

Here you are, written by a grief counselor, friend, and owner/adm. of my other site:
Delayed Grief
Delayed Sorrow
Delayed Grief: When We Don't Take Time to Mourn

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KayC,

I will take a look at these. Thank you for the links.

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20 hours ago, John9 said:

I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to do, why I am still here how much more pain I can endure and how much more stress my body can handle too.

John9:  We are in the same boat, feeling like we only have one oar. Either we are doing okay with just one oar or else there is another that we don't see. I honestly feel broken as if I can't go on. And most of the time now I don't want to go on. I don't want to wake up in the morning. But I do. So I just keep at it. I can't let go of my grief and I can't let go of stress and problems going on. I feel so stuck, as if I've been handed a sentence and have to serve time. But we are not being punished. Just feels like we are. I don't know but maybe for every day we wake up alive there will be a better day waiting for us down the road. We won't know unless we stick around. You just have to keep at it, doing what you can and not worry that it's not right. I don't think there is any "right or wrong" way to grieve. We have tell ourselves that we are doing okay. 

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KayC,

I read the "posts" from the links, Interesting but in my case I feel I am dealing with that and more. I have complex, compounded cumulative grief (too many, too soon) and delayed grief also. I don't worry about labeling my grief because "a rose is a rose by any other name" I am just trying to figure out how to make it through this IF I have to make it through this.

tnd,

I have said it before that at least you feel like you are in a boat and have an oar. Sometimes I feel like I am treading water with a boulder around my neck and I am barely keeping my head above the waterline. I am also in the dreading "waking up alive" cycle daily because I feel like "crap" mentally when I do and realize that I am still here and ALONE and physically feel bad too. I am still trying to do whatever I can to be here as long as I have to, otherwise I wouldn't have made the effort to get my flu shot and just take my chances. We did everything right in every way we could to avoid the medical issues and things happened anyway. I have said I am not in control but I am not out taking risks either, I still wear a mask in public I wash my hands. I'm not jumping out of planes or racing cars or anything dangerous I am just waiting "patiently" without my loving wife for my end to come whenever that may be.

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13 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am still trying to do whatever I can to be here as long as I have to, otherwise I wouldn't have made the effort to get my flu shot and just take my chances. We did everything right in every way we could to avoid the medical issues and things happened anyway.

John9:  Glad you are still trying and at least keeping your head above water. I think we grievers need to give ourselves more credit than we do (because nobody else seems to). My husband and I also did what we could to avoid medical problems but....

Funny, before he turned on me, my brother said "bad things sometimes happen to good people". Then he flipped like a switch and blamed me for some things. So much for that "bad things sometimes happen to good people"...

My mother use to say that if it weren't for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all. She always said it in a jokingly way but we both knew she wasn't joking. 

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tnd,

It"s "funny" how some of the old sayings aren't as funny now as we used to think they were. I guess there was always a sarcastic or dark  twist to most of them. My loving wife and I said the same thing about the "luck" and even what your brother had said. Also how things would constantly remind or show how "unfair" things could be. As I have said before that was a lesson I didn't need to be reminded of and definitely not to have "our" loved ones die to prove a point of how unfair it can be and then add the issues you are going through to double down on it. I will repeat that I would never want anyone to go through this pain and suffering (many will) but I can't and don't control that and I know that "some" will say they are stronger for it. Me I'm just not sure about that and I know it is "early" but, I know I am still alive and that means something in the overall scheme of life but it is harder each day to keep going. I was never in a position to have to chose "family" over my loving wife and so I don't know what might have happened in that instance, I would hope it wouldn't have gone badly for all involved. But my life with my loving wife was the one I chose and we were happy at least as far as I am aware.

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15 minutes ago, John9 said:

I would never want anyone to go through this pain and suffering

John9:  You said it. I am at least relieved to know that my husband isn't going through what I am. He lost his first wife to brain cancer but he didn't lose his home, income or family all at the same time. Each day seems to go by so slowly, too slowly. Seems to drag out the pain more. But I've come to expect it now and have started living my life in small increments of time. I do certain things at certain times and if I can get thru those increments, then I'm okay. So far I haven't cried in nearly two days but the day isn't over yet. I want to cry but I've got other things to do that I want to do so the crying will have to wait til later tonite or else I will lay my head down and sleep. This all sucks. But I am trying to build a world for myself within the world. If I start to worry about something I ask myself if I really need to worry about it today and if I don't, I stop thinking about it. At least for now. You are having to get used to a new life around the house. A new routine. I'm sure you can establish one but don't be surprised that it takes "trial and error". Feeling how you feel is not okay but yet it is. It is for the circumstances we are living. Maybe not grieving in the way you think you should or suppose to is okay.   

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4 minutes ago, tnd said:

You are having to get used to a new life around the house. A new routine. I'm sure you can establish one but don't be surprised that it takes "trial and error". Feeling how you feel is not okay but yet it is. It is for the circumstances we are living. Maybe not grieving in the way you think you should or suppose to is okay.   

tnd,

My problem is I'm afraid to let go as there may be no coming back, and what I mean is the same reason I don't drink or take any drugs because when I am not in control....I have said many times that my loving wife WAS my control, my rock, my anchor and right now I feel she is still keeping me in control of my emotional state and maybe it is a good thing. Although if you read about the other grieving posts KayC linked us to, it might not be I don't know.  I am trying and that is all I can do, one moment of time at a time whatever that may be. However long or short, second, minute, hour, day, week.....I do know that what works for others may not work for me and what works for me may not work for you or anyone else BUT I will always take advice as it is meant and see if it applies and works for me at the moment because at the moment is how we are right now. I wouldn't know what it is like to not cry at this moment as I have cried everyday since my loving wife died (213) and I was just crying a few minutes ago when replacing pillowcases on the bed. Why?, Why not I have said there aren't any "reasons" just triggers and why did the pillowcases trigger me. Is it the fact that it was the bedroom or ......But that is part of the constant stress or pressure or whatever you want to call it that I am under and can't seem to avoid no matter what I attempt to do.

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16 minutes ago, John9 said:

.But that is part of the constant stress or pressure or whatever you want to call it that I am under and can't seem to avoid no matter what I attempt to do.

John9:  Obviously putting the pillowcases on the bed triggered your crying. All kinds of things trigger me but I am having to hold it in so I don't risk other circumstances. Could be that you need medication or anti-depressant. Can you bring this up with your doctor? 

You say you are doing what you can and are trying. That's good. Even if you can only do a little, I'd put that in the positive column. Sometimes I am able to put more than I think in the positive bucket but sometimes less. No one is keeping track. I just know we can only do what we can do when and how we can. I live in small increments of time throughout the day now. 

 

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17 hours ago, John9 said:

I have complex, compounded cumulative grief (too many, too soon) and delayed grief also

 

17 hours ago, tnd said:

"bad things sometimes happen to good people".

This much is true.  This was a good book, I read it years ago...https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/1400034728
I've tried to make sense of it but you can't make sense of the nonsensical. ;)

15 hours ago, John9 said:

I just got a phone call from the "good" sister and her oldest Daughter was found dead this morning.

What?!!  OMG, I am so sorry!!!  If ever anyone needed prayer, it is her...
 

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20 hours ago, John9 said:

I just got a phone call from the "good" sister and her oldest Daughter was found dead this morning.

John9:  That's terrible. I am so sorry! 

 

20 hours ago, John9 said:

It seems right now like the "family" is suffering from some sort of a curse or extreme bad luck.

John9:  I sincerely hope this doesn't continue -for anybody. Sometimes I feel cursed and my bad luck never runs out. But I still woke up alive today so keeping on...

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tnd,

This just fits into the bad things happen to good people comment you referenced yesterday. This is way too much way too soon for anyone to handle. My loving wife was more of a sister than a niece and then her sister and now her oldest daughter all in seven months. I understand what she is going through in my own way but also not because spouse and "child" is different and "sisters" too. But I do know PAIN of grief.

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Small update on "good" sister's situation, Her daughter didn't have any life insurance and if the "county" takes care of her cremation arrangements she might be in the morgue for up to a year before it happens. Her other daughter is trying to raise money for a funeral home to handle the "services" and right now her friends and family have managed most of the money hopefully they will be able to do it soon for that part of closure. I had mentioned when my loving wife died that she should ask if "they" had life insurance and also about health issues but you know how things can get away from you. I can only hope that I am able to help her as much as she has helped me with the deaths of my loving wife and MIL.  And she is still dealing with her own health issues that this will not make any easier.

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4 hours ago, John9 said:

I can only hope that I am able to help her as much as she has helped me with the deaths of my loving wife and MIL. 

John9:  Sorry you are going through all this. I'm sure you will be a big help to the "Good Sister". 

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She is going through so much, it must feel overwhelming to her.  I hope she can break it down into biteable chunks somewhat, how do you do that when everything is emergent though.  I'm glad they're raising the $ for the cremation.  My little sister's baby died and it was a year before they were able to get her ashes.  We sent what we had but we were poor in those days, it broke my heart, social security demanded the $ back they'd paid on her (she was born w/o a brain, lived almost two years), horrid system we have that you can do that to people!  her husband lost his business paying for everything and had to start a new business from scratch, it's been over 40 years and it's still doing well.  They have been through so much together.  It's amazing people's tenacity and survival, sometimes I look at it and don't see how. 

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KayC,

Just found out that the "goal" was reached now they have to find out how soon that the Funeral Home can handle the arrangements so that isn't hanging over them. We were talking about how this "all" seems too much and too soon also. Luckily she does have her family for support, something I didn't have except for her and "our" son. This is of course the hurry up and wait stage since they don't know when the service will be, just that it won't be a year. She told me that it is "bad" when she has time to think (as we all know) alone time can be devastating as I still hate that and always will. It doesn't help me that today is a rainy day that we should have been doing nothing except now being there for the "good" sister. I know that it would have been hard for my loving wife especially if the other things had happened the way they did (MIL). Sadly it wasn't what happened and now it is just so much pain and sadness for everyone involved. The grieving is just so hard to explain if it isn't "you"

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I'm glad the goal is reached and that is less to worry about.  Saturdays are just another day to me, it's been a lifetime ago since weekends meant something...

John, I hope something starts looking up for you, soon.  You need a break.

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4 hours ago, John9 said:

This is just one of the many things that are tearing me apart and it is just getting worse every day, I miss her more and more each day and I don't know how much more "bad" I can handle.

John9:  It DOES seem like the grief is getting harder. I don't know why but it is. I keep thinking about removing my oxygen. Not that I would now but, I do feel like it. I guess the fact that I haven't shows I must still have some fight left in me. I imagine you do, too. Maybe our spouses are inspiring us. That's got to be it because I can think of no other reason.   

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47 minutes ago, tnd said:

John9:  It DOES seem like the grief is getting harder. I don't know why but it is. I keep thinking about removing my oxygen. Not that I would now but, I do feel like it. I guess the fact that I haven't shows I must still have some fight left in me. I imagine you do, too. Maybe our spouses are inspiring us. That's got to be it because I can think of no other reason.

tnd,

I understand the thought about removing the oxygen. I can't keep the negative thoughts out of my head and how "easy" it would be to just....I don't feel inspired but yet I do keep getting up and going through the motions every day even with no "reason" to. It is so hard to find anything positive when all of the bad things that keep happening, again I wonder why God took my loving wife's cousin at 38 and not me. I know it isn't for me to know his plan but still it doesn't seem right for her children to have to deal with at a "young" age, the youngest is 17. It hurts and I wasn't that close to her but I have known her since she was 3 when my loving wife and I first got together and again nothing makes any sense because...

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KayC,

I really do understand what you wrote, BUT as I have written before just because I know something doesn't make things easier. It is just too much and too soon for one person to deal with and to keep happening when already under so much stress and pain and other things just makes me want it to end in every way. I know that the fact you and others on this forum are here and have "survived" means it is possible to make it to a point where it is more bearable at least for "you". I am not totally sure I am that person who will make it. I am not being dramatic when I say each day is harder than the day before and that I miss my loving wife more each day. I also know that in the "time frame" of my grief I am still in the early stages but it moves so slowly that it seems forever and that causes some of the other issues I am dealing with too. As referenced many times in many topics, nothing happens until the paperwork is completed and that is another problem not just for me.

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I understand, I felt the same at your time frame...I think most of us do/have.  When I reference giving yourself the gift of time/understanding/patience it's because it doesn't magically happen, it's something that takes that concerted effort on your part.  I know you will do what you feel at the end of the day, I'm not trying to invalidate where you're at, or your experience, quite the contrary.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I know you will do what you feel at the end of the day, I'm not trying to invalidate where you're at, or your experience, quite the contrary.

KayC,

I have said before and I will again, I have NEVER felt that anything you have said or written is meant to "criticize" or invalidate me or anyone. I think that you are the BEST in how you are there for everyone even when you are having your own issues to confront and deal with. I know that no matter what anyone says to "us" this is personal and we have to figure out what works or helps us but I appreciate all "help" as offered. As MIL used to say one thing at a time and that is all I can do. I will try to do my best for as long as I am "forced" to be here. I am trying to do what I can and make it through each day but the more that happens makes it harder and harder. I am aware that things can get worse as the death of my loving wife's cousin last week shows, but nobody wants it or needs it to happen to prove how life can be unpredictable. I was talking to the "good" sister yesterday and mentioned that next month is the 60 year "anniversary" of my Mother's death and told her that she was only 26 when she died with 3 boys 5 years and younger and how I found out that life can suck some times. I had "hoped" that with everything that I had been through in my life that this was never going to happen to us, but as you know what we want or think isn't what we get. I will never begin to understand the why of the Universe when stuff seems to happen to certain people, some only good and some seemingly only bad. I am not saying life has only been bad but as with you it seems that my share isn't equally divided  between "everyone". I don't want anyone to experience this pain and suffering but I don't want it all either and the amount lately is just too much for one "group" of people to deal with. The complex, complicated, compounded, delayed grief just keeps adding "words" to the layers that we have to deal with.

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