Realization

[John9]

tnd,

Those were the things I always tried to do for my wife. She would try to do things like that for me too, but with all of the various aspects of "her" life I was able to do it easier than she was. Between her job and her Mother and everything else going on it sometimes didn't happen. This was just a classic example of putting things off or I was going to do that. Some things you always think you have the time to do. I know I have veered off the point but it is also one of the things I miss about her, She always did try to do for others but sometimes "life" got in the way and now "death" did. This is part of why I can't do ANYTHING because she was EVERYTHING to me and she was ALWAYS on my mind and still is. I can't stop "wanting" to do or buy something for her and it triggers me and I can't figure out how to channel it. I know it is a marathon and not a sprint to come to some sort of a way to "deal" with my grieving but it is HARD.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

I just don't want to be totally miserable all of the time.

That would be my hope for all of us in time, I still have to look for it as it seems the struggles/problems are continual and I've had 16 years of being alone, Lord knows how many more I have to do...20+?  I try not to "go there" as it triggers anxiety, which I have enough of anyway.

[Jemiga70]

13 hours ago, John9 said:

she was EVERYTHING to me and she was ALWAYS on my mind and still is

John, I was with my wife for about only half the time that you had with yours, but I knew that she and I shared a deep connection the moment I realized that to be away from her caused me actual physiological distress. This was something new and totally unexpected for me. I'd been in other relationships but NEVER experienced those kinds of feelings before. Perhaps I'm stating the obvious, but it seems like all of us here had -- have! -- as the foundation, a deep unbreakable bond with our partner. That's part of the reason why it hurts so damn much.

[John9]

Jemiga70,

I agree with your comments and I have so many thoughts too. My wife was my FIRST and ONLY true love and we were together for over half of our lives. I can NEVER have something like that again even IF I "wanted" it because I am too old. I don't want it and I am just saying that what we had was and is a once in a lifetime LOVE. I know some people will disagree with me (maybe not here) but again these are my thoughts and beliefs and that is how I feel. I have said before that it was love at first sight for me and it took her a little longer but what we had was REAL and that makes it hurt so much more now that she is "gone". She will always be in the space where my heart was but it is not the same, is it. The days are not getting any easier for me and I understand in my own way why, but as I have stated before "knowing something doesn't make it easier". I am all alone right now, I have no true need to be here but I am not being "allowed" to move on. I am still crying when I wake up, I am still crying all day, and I still cry when I go to bed all the time all alone, I talk to my wife and even when I believe she answers me I am "spoiled" and it isn't enough because we were together for the 35 years and maybe all totaled there were 30 days/nights we weren't for medical reasons from both of us including the birth of our son. I am totally unfocused and a total mess, why I am still here is beyond me and I will probably never get any real reason because it isn't my plan but is up to God and for whatever reason he isn't done with me yet. I just know that it is pure torture for me and I would like it to be over. Sorry for the down thoughts but I write what I feel to keep from exploding.

[tnd]

On 9/26/2021 at 8:26 AM, John9 said:

I can't stop "wanting" to do or buy something for her and it triggers me and I can't figure out how to channel it.

John9:  I didn't think of that before. I actually enjoyed being the one to do the cooking, cleaning and the shopping and running errands but I also very much enjoyed getting my husband things he needed or wanted or even didn't need, whether it was some new work shirts, boxers or socks or printer paper. Or have one of his favorite dinners cooking in the oven. I liked being able to do stuff like that for him without him asking me and then have it waiting for him when he got home. Always pleased him.  And then that part of my life just suddenly stopped. I get up each day and he's not here for me to please and make smile or to surprise. The happiness we had between each other is not the same kind of happiness that you have with other people. Can't replace it either. So I don't know what I'm going to do.   

[John9]

tnd,

57 minutes ago, tnd said:

The happiness we had between each other is not the same kind of happiness that you have with other people. Can't replace it either. So I don't know what I'm going to do.  

This is exactly why I "like" coming to this site, we understand when a comment is made what someone means and is missing after the death of the loved one. "We" did for each other for no other reason than we wanted to, there were no deals or bargains we did it because we wanted to please the other person without an ulterior motive. There was no "I did this for you so you owe me" situation. It comes from the heart and mine is gone, I will never have that again because it isn't something that everyone has.

[tnd]

26 minutes ago, John9 said:

There was no "I did this for you so you owe me" situation. It comes from the heart and mine is gone, I will never have that again because it isn't something that everyone has.

John9:   I will never have it again either. Even if I were to suddenly go into remission and be healthy, I still would not want to look for someone new. I'm 57 and do not desire to start over with anyone. Mainly because I just want my late husband to always "be mine" and there's no replacing him. So that I'm not alone I do want to make new friends but not to replace my husband. As for the "I did this for you so you owe me" situation, I believe when someone does something nice for someone else, it should be from the goodness of their heart. Right now I don't have much of that going on. There shouldn't be any expectation to be paid back.

My husband and I had balance in our marriage. We did things for each other because we wanted to and I guess it was a little selfish, but I always liked the feeling I got from knowing that I had made my husband happy. And it went both ways, One Christmas he got me the perfect bath robe. I was so surprised. But it was a tad too small. He said the store didn't have one in a larger size. But I was so touched that I wore it anyway. That was because I knew he had taken the time and trouble to get it and it was from the heart. And now I am without his "heart". And I don't have much "balance" going on right now. 

[John9]

tnd,

I just turned 62 and I agree with you that I want "my wife" and no one else, no one else could ever replace her and I would never try to replace her. I hate being all alone especially after not being alone for 35 years and it really hurts. If I made friends it still wouldn't be the same because I still will be alone every night and every morning. My house could be full of many people but I will still be "alone" because the hole in my chest is too big and can only be filled by the only person who can't be here to fill it. I am having a "conversation" with her right now to see if she will answer with a sign but the answer may not be what I want (be careful what you ask). I tried to do what your husband did and put real thought into my "gifts" for my wife and I know she did the same for me and that was the love we had (have) for each other.

 

[tnd]

14 minutes ago, John9 said:

My house could be full of many people but I will still be "alone" because the hole in my chest is too big and can only be filled by the only person who can't be here

John9:  I know the feeling. Where I'm staying, the house is rarely quiet and it gets a bit loud and chaotic. I'm living with people whose culture is much different from mine. I'm not use to this. I usually have to retreat to my room because I can't handle it. And then I feel alone. All cooped up. I'm grateful to not be on the street but oh how I long for my own place...  

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

I want "my wife" and no one else, no one else could ever replace her and I would never try to replace her. I hate being all alone

John, reading your posts brings tears to my eyes because your words describe what I'm going through. A lot of people tell me that I should find another woman so I'm not alone, etc. I'm a year younger than you, actually my birthday is this Sunday. I can not see myself with another woman, especially on intimate terms. Maybe as a companion, okay, but nothing more. My wife owns my heart, and to me she is still my wife, I'd feel like I was betraying her. I know she's waiting for me, and like you, I only long for the time to go faster so I can once again be with her. I'm going by the mausoleum this Wednesday as it is our anniversary. I picked a nice card for her and will place it on top of the plaque. It's my first wedding anniversary without her, and my first birthday without her since we've been together. Last year she was going to throw a big birthday party for me but she was in the hospital and apologized to me for not being able to do anything for me. I told her that her getting well was more important to me, and not to worry too much. Next month will also be the anniversary of her passing, and I still can't understand how I've made it up to now without her. I miss her so much and there hasn't been a day that hasn't gone by that I haven't shed many tears.

[John9]

Sparky1,

I understand everything that you wrote, I was talking to one of my wife's cousins last week and she said I need to get a girl. I was shocked that she said that for many reasons but the main one is she knew/knows how much my wife meant to me. I told her it was never going to happen and as far as I am concerned I am still married and I still wear my ring. I just had my first birthday without her on September 11 after my wife's birthday in August and it all hits me everyday. My wife also owns my heart and soul and as far as I am concerned she always will. I don't know why I am alive but don't know how much more of this my body and mind can take. I dread being alive for the holidays and then our anniversary is in January and then the date of her death is in March and.....wash, rinse, repeat.

[Sparky1]

John9,

Yes, my life is monotonous as well. Thankfully work keeps me a little sane, but it's the same thing every day. I'm winding down to retirement, it could be any time now, depends  on my body and a few other things. Being an electrician for 35 years has taken a huge toll on my body. I have arthritis in practically all my joints and just struggle to get by physically. I don't know how I'm going to handle the future without my wife, we had made so many plans and now it's all gone. I know it will be tough for me this Wednesday, and then next month is going to be the toughest month yet. I keep thinking back to last year at this time and it is like a never ending loop, thinking how it was the last times we were together.

[John9]

Sparky1,

My wife and I were looking forward to our time after caring for my friend and her Mother, but sadly she died before we got to realize that future and now without her there isn't one. I know the pains you feel physically as did I have many arthritic joints and my wife was a pet groomer since 1989 and had many pains as well and we were just looking forward to being able to relax and "chill". I have no job now that MIL has died and the endless mind numbing loneliness is pure torture. The time passes so slowly it seems like much longer than the 198 days since she died.

[KayC]

I don't see myself with anyone else but my George either, this whole dog bite incident resonated that, instead of a friend consoling me, he lectured me on not driving 1 mph over the speed limit (I set my cruise to 58 in a 55 because I don't want to make drivers impatient behind me.  WTH!  NOT what I needed then!  It hit me so hard how my George would have been with me...I don't have that anymore.  A friend brought up her husband and he proceeded for three hours to tell me half the story of his life!  All about him.  I just wanted to be alone and decompress after what I've been through.  George and I were so perfect with each other...

I've learned over the years that being alone is not the worst thing, being with the wrong person is, and George was exactly RIGHT for me!

[John9]

KayC,

I understand the issue about turning everything into "them" and the issue of the "one" not being there for/with you when you need them. I had that when MIL died because I should have been there for my wife not there with the "good sister" to say goodbye. I hate the way that this is now and I don't think I can do this for much longer and everyone says how strong I am and have been through all of this but I am so worn down and beat down it takes everything in me just to do anything. Here I have turned your story to me and I am sorry.

[tnd]

18 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

My wife owns my heart, and to me she is still my wife, I'd feel like I was betraying her. I know she's waiting for me

Sparky1:  Obviously your wife was a special woman and even more special to you. While I don't think it would be betraying her, I understand why you'd feel that way because that's how I feel about my husband. Like you, I've got no problem with not wanting to start anew with anyone else. I'm fine with that and you probably will be, too. We can always change our minds but in this case, I don't think I will ever be changing mine. I have absolutely no desire to find someone new. Maybe new friends but not a spouse. 

[tnd]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

I was talking to one of my wife's cousins last week and she said I need to get a girl. I was shocked that she said that for many reasons but the main one is she knew/knows how much my wife meant to me. I told her it was never going to happen

John9:  I'm sorry your cousin said that to you. People have not a clue. I'm sure she meant well, meaning that she feels bad that you are alone but still, people just do not think before speaking. If someone were to say I need to get a new man, I'd feel as tho they are pushing away the memory of my husband and everything he meant to me. As if to say "well, your husband is all just a part of your past now". I'd be offended. He will not just be part of my past, he is a part of who I am, now and forever.  

[tnd]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I've learned over the years that being alone is not the worst thing, being with the wrong person is, and George was exactly RIGHT for me!

KayC:  You hit the nail on the head. I was definitely with the wrong person in my first marriage. I was young and so naive back then. It cost me dearly and I'm not talking money. He was a very very bad person. My late husband was nothing like him. Thank god for that! 

[John9]

tnd,

When I posted about the cousin I forgot the part where she was the one who lost her boyfriend a year ago August and is going through her grieving process and when I said to her what would she say if someone said it to her she said that she wasn't going to either. Now she is only 37 and has a whole life ahead of her and IF she does want to and finds someone she can make it work and I told her that. But I am an old man who LOVES his wife and I always will, I could never have the relationship that took me 35 years to get to where we were again and it isn't right to expect it so why put myself and someone through a situation that is doomed to fail because it would always be compared to my marriage. I do hate the lack of companionship and I miss how we completed each other and all of the other things we had.

[tnd]

4 minutes ago, John9 said:

I could never have the relationship that took me 35 years to get to where we were again and it isn't right to expect it so why put myself and someone through a situation that is doomed to fail because it would always be compared to my marriage.

John9:  What took 35 years to build and grow cannot be forgotten or just put into the past overnite. I don't know but I'd think a young person would have an easier time with starting over with someone else (how could they have put in 35 years??) but for us older ones, there is more that needs to be considered. My husband and I were only married 14 years but I'm 57, not 20 or 30. We may as well have been married for 35. Certainly felt like we knew each other for that long. Maybe because we had similar experiences when we were younger and maybe because as we got older, we shared the same interests and goals. The older we get, the more we experience and our priorities change from the priorities we had in our 20's and 30's. As far as not wanting to put someone through a situation that could be doomed to fail well, if you are already thinking that then it probably would. The thing is, we don't have to think about starting over with other people if we don't want to. I don't see anything wrong with "staying married" to our late spouses. I remember being a kid and knowing lots of older single/widowed//divorced people that never remarried. And I can't say what went on behind closed doors when they were alone but they seemed to be very happy just being with friends and family and doing their thing. I think I could see myself doing that.   

[John9]

tnd,

6 minutes ago, tnd said:

As far as not wanting to put someone through a situation that could be doomed to fail well, if you are already thinking that then it probably would.

I am what I am and that is a realist, I didn't try to change my wife and I won't go into a relationship with a new person who would attempt to change me. I'm too set in my ways now and yeah it would probably fail because I would expect it to but it won't if I don't start one. I can only do the one day/one step at a time thing right now and I really don't think it will matter much longer anyway.

[tnd]

4 minutes ago, John9 said:

I can only do the one day/one step at a time thing right now and I really don't think it will matter much longer anyway.

John9:  That's really all we can do...one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. As far as it not mattering, of course you do. But I understand why you feel that way. When I think of my illness, for all I know I haven't got much time left...a year or two, or three? I don't know. I think about it and then wonder if I just shouldn't care about all the crap and stress going on in my life right now. What if I get through all this and then boom...die from the Sarcoidosis. Or a broken heart. I wish I knew what was going to happen or become of me. It's the fear of the unknown that is the worst. 

[John9]

tnd,

I know none of us know how long we have, which was proven by our spouses dying. I just mean that with all I have gone through and am going through at some point my body and mind are going to give out. I told our son and the "good" sister when my wife died that I don't expect to make it till the end of the year and actually I thought that her Birthday or mine would be the final push. I do believe the Holidays will finish me off because she really loved them. I am just being real about how I feel and I am usually right about the "wrong" things. I am not worried about dying I am more worried about living because this isn't a life I chose to have. A life with no pleasure or desire or such is no life, I saw too many people go through it and I don't want that. I have said and will again that obviously what I want doesn't matter and it isn't up to me so I get up and I do what I can to make it through the day until the end and repeat until it is over for me.

[tnd]

12 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am not worried about dying I am more worried about living because this isn't a life I chose to have. A life with no pleasure or desire or such is no life,

John9:  I hear ya. I feel like I have no quality of life right now and don't know if I ever will again. If not, I don't see the point in just existing. That's no life. So I hear ya and know what you mean. 

[KayC]

On 9/28/2021 at 6:11 AM, John9 said:

Here I have turned your story to me and I am sorry.

Only because you relate, and that's okay, what's not okay is someone diverting away from the person who is freshly hurting and into themselves to the point of talking about their whole life for THREE HOURS!  If I hadn't had to make an emergency run to the bathroom (Augmentin) he'd still be sitting here talking talking talking...

20 hours ago, tnd said:

My late husband was nothing like him. Thank god for that! 

Been there!  I so relate and agree!  We've had both and even though they're gone now, we have a deep love and appreciation for having known love from a good person!

19 hours ago, tnd said:

What took 35 years to build and grow cannot be forgotten or just put into the past overnite.

It's not about the quantity of years but quality of relationship, George and I were ripped from having the large number of years together but we had the quality of relationship from the beginning...it's been more than twice the number of years we knew each other that he's been gone, never have met anyone else that could enter his league.  We were blessed to meet each other and have each other in our lives for even the time that we did.  No, I don't expect to ever again.  16 years is a long time to be alone but I'm doing it.

19 hours ago, John9 said:

I am what I am and that is a realist

Me too, John.  And no I could not be witth someone out to change/control me, huh-uh!

 

19 hours ago, tnd said:

I wish I knew what was going to happen or become of me. It's the fear of the unknown that is the worst. 

I'm glad I don't know.  I don't want to know.  Today is enough. From what I've experienced, it keeps going down, not up, at my age.   But always I try to find good in the day, it helps.

19 hours ago, John9 said:

I do believe the Holidays will finish me off because she really loved them.

Try bringing her into them!  Invite her to sit besides you as you watch a holiday movie.  When you put up the tree, put up her ornaments & stocking, like a memory tree!  Remember and love her through every bit of it.  It has helped me get through them.  I live with a ghost, I know.

19 hours ago, John9 said:

I just mean that with all I have gone through and am going through at some point my body and mind are going to give out.

Don't count on dying any too soon.  It's amazing what we live through.  Just thinking it'll surely do us in doesn't mean it will.  Life is challenging, a real struggle sometimes, but somehow we survive, only God knows when we're finally able to be done with this...try to build as much good into your life as you can, it's hard right now, you're still in early grief.  I hope you find something to appreciate along the way.  I know Gail knows what I'm talking about, it takes a while...

 

[tnd]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

22 hours ago, tnd said:

I wish I knew what was going to happen or become of me. It's the fear of the unknown that is the worst. 

I'm glad I don't know.  I don't want to know.  Today is enough. From what I've experienced, it keeps going down, not up, at my age.   But always I try to find good in the day, it helps.

KayC:  What I meant was the near future...health, benefits, insurance, apartment, etc.  If I think beyond that then I'm done for. Too exhausting, But I do wish I knew what direction my current set of issues are going in. Then maybe I can start planning a way to cope and deal with it. Just telling myself to stay strong isn't enough. And right now, I'm not strong. 

[tnd]

22 hours ago, John9 said:

A life with no pleasure or desire or such is no life, I saw too many people go through it and I don't want that.

John9:  I want to add to my previous comments...we don't have to be like other people and sink with our boats. But I know what you mean. I don't want to merely exist either. I don't know if I am capable of it but I'd like the chance to try to enjoy life again in some way. Right now, everything is weighing me down. I figure once I can start to see through the fog then I can plan a course of action. But right now, it's very hard. Cried hard again last night and then didn't wake up feeling very well. We gotta hang in there, tho. 

[John9]

KayC,

I am not sure what I can or will do until faced with the "moment", all I do know is EVERYTHING hurts me in every way. I am crying right now as I write this to tell that I tried today to do some projects around the house but all it did was make me sad because all I could think of was her and the comments she would have made when she saw what I did or was doing. I am not sure if I can watch any Holiday movies because I was always a wreck anyway and that may just totally push me over the edge (I don't know). I talk to her all the time and it isn't about living with a ghost, it's about NOT living with her.

tnd,

I am trying not to sink with my boat, but I don't feel like swimming away either. I don't know what will happen and I can't or won't try to plan because "we" didn't because we had seen how things can and do fall apart and if there is any proof of that just look at this site.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am not sure if I can watch any Holiday movies because I was always a wreck anyway and that may just totally push me over the edge (I don't know). I talk to her all the time and it isn't about living with a ghost, it's about NOT living with her.

John9:  In the past if anything had put a damper on the holidays I didn't feel like watching holiday movies either. And we had a few favorites. This year will be the hardest. 

[Gail 8588]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . I am not sure if I can watch any Holiday movies because I was always a wreck anyway and that may just totally push me over the edge (I don't know). 

John9, 

Before my husband's death I loved decorating for the holidays and always had on Christmas music and such. In 2017 and 2018, I didn't decorate at all. I didn't buy presents, just gave the boys some cash and said I hadn't been able to shop. It was true, I tried a couple of times to shop, but could not endure the holiday music playing.  In 2019, I put up a tree and ordered some gifts from Amazon, mostly because I had a 1 year old grandson who should have a Christmas at Grandma's, but my heart was not in it. I just went through the motions, but there was no cheer in the holiday for me. 

All of those year's, I was waiting to die. I never could understand how it was that I was still living when it was so clear that I was broken in so many ways. 

Finally, in my 4th year, I began to feel a connection to life again.

I know some people do died within a year or two of their spouse. I thought I would be one of them.  Maybe you will be, or maybe, like me you will find you inexplicably continue waking up, continue crying, continue putting one foot in front of the other and eventually find that you have made your way back to really living. 

I don't know what path your journey will take, but I know you are an incredibly compassionate person and the world is a better place with you in it. 

Gail

 

[John9]

Gail 8588,

Thank you for the comments, I don't know anything about anything anymore and I sure don't know if I have a future without my wife. As I have said before I am nothing without her and she kept me grounded and my emotions in check. I have already lost it when one of the cable channels was playing  Christmas in July commercials and music and I loved Christmas music as one of the radio stations plays from October till January and I had it on all the time but I can't handle it now. I have always tried to be compassionate but right now my heart isn't in any state to offer much as right now all I see is pain and people hurting each other and I can't help them.

[KayC]

Amen to what Gail said, all of it!  

John, I'm sorry my response to you didn't seem fitting for you.  I know nothing can console you right now.  I too have experienced the same as you are going through, exactly!  I'm sorry I came across as discounting your pain, or tnd's either, I didn't mean to.

Do what feels right in your heart.

[tnd]

John9:  I already know I am skipping the holidays this year. Just too much. I'll be going through enough depression, don't need to add to it. 

[John9]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

John, I'm sorry my response to you didn't seem fitting for you.  I know nothing can console you right now.  I too have experienced the same as you are going through, exactly!  I'm sorry I came across as discounting your pain, or tnd's either, I didn't mean to.

KayC,

I am not upset by your comments and I don't mean to sound like it, I have said I write what I feel and I am just not feeling it right now. I don't know how I will feel when the time comes but right now I just don't believe it will happen. There has never been anything that you have said that I took as discounting my pain as I understand that everyone here is or has gone through their own version of grief. It is just that when I say my wife was my everything I am not being dramatic, she IS my everything and it is harder each day no matter what I try to do to get to the next part of my existence without her.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't know how I will feel when the time comes

I can only repeat, LISTEN to your self as to what brings YOU comfort and go with that.  Honor your feelings, whatever they may be...and I think you will.  That is the important thing.  I can say what I have done but that never means that is how OTHERS should, each of us finds our own way through this maze of grief.
My initial response/desire was to SKIP Christmas!  And I would have had I not had my young adult children home for the holidays, wanting to go cut down a tree and wanting me to help participate in decorating it.  I did it for them initially.  Had I been alone, I might never have celebrated Christmas again...until getting grandchildren.  But I'm glad it worked out as it did, I like hanging George's stocking and ornaments...he never had either in his whole life until ME!  It's been a way I can honor him and his zest for life, his love of every holiday, every everything!  He always reminded me of a puppy wagging it's tail.   That brings me a smile.

[John9]

KayC,

Thank you for once again understanding what I mean and how I feel, which again is why I "like" coming to this site. Sadly there are no "children" to enjoy or help me and there won't be, which always made my loving wife sad too. The last few years with MIL was not the same during the Holidays and then the pandemic and everything else that made things difficult to celebrate and I don't want to bring anyone else down into my darkness and ruin their Holiday so it will be cause and effect now. I am sad and they don't want to be around and I am sad because they don't want to be around. It was okay when "we" were alone together because nothing really mattered or happened we couldn't handle but now even when our son is here it's not the same because as much as I love him he isn't my SOULMATE as my loving wife is. The "worse" thing is or will be that I always tried to find the gifts that were perfect for her and that will keep me from also wanting to even go near any stores even for groceries. I already have trouble because I was involved in 99 percent of the grocery shopping and the largest percentage of all other shopping too either with her or by myself because of MIL. The routines that were our life are now making everything so much more hurtful. I know whatever I do will have to "work" for me or it won't happen but it is like running into that wall repeatedly and that is not good.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

Your posts resonate so strongly with me.  I remember those feeling so well.  

For years when people would casually ask me "how are you doing?" my reply was "I haven't figured out a way to live without him."

It was my truth, and my way of gently saying "I am not fine." There were often awkward silences after my response, or some absurd remark like 'you are looking great', or 'we all miss him'.  I would want to scream, but I would just retreat to be by myself again. 

It is really hard to remake your life. I didn't want a new life without him.  I just wanted my old, comfortable, loving, safe, life with him. I wanted our planned retirement, our growing old together, caring for each other. All that was shattered. I wasn't motivated to piece together a new life for myself until my zombie existence became intolerable. 

I am so sorry for where you are in this miserable forced march we have all been compelled to take.  It's totally unfair, but here we are. 

Gail

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

I wasn't motivated to piece together a new life for myself until my zombie existence became intolerable. 

Gail 8588:  If you don't mind my asking and only if you want to answer, was there any one thing or experience or event that made you aware of this "zombie existence" you speak of? And what finally made it intolerable enough for you to move forward? I wonder if I am stuck in a zombie existence-type mode. I don't want to be. I'm just having a hard time dealing with a stack of issues that I feel like I can't/don't want to move forward. Maybe if I knew it would pass and I'd gain back some strength, I'd be able to handle things better and feel hopeful.   

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

For years when people would casually ask me "how are you doing?" my reply was "I haven't figured out a way to live without him."

It was my truth, and my way of gently saying "I am not fine." There were often awkward silences after my response, or some absurd remark like 'you are looking great', or 'we all miss him'.  I would want to scream, but I would just retreat to be by myself again. 

Though my responses ran more along the lines of, "Well, I'm alive, I guess," everything else you wrote is so familiar to me.  Retreating into being a hermit was my default mode because I just couldn't stand to be around most people.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, tnd said:

wonder if I am stuck in a zombie existence-type mode.

I felt that way too, kind of robotic, numb and yet painful at the same time, it's not living.  And it was hard not knowing how to do this, where to go from there.

I don't know that there is a good retort to people's "How are you?" I just hate that question when in grief, esp. early on (years not days).

Responses to "How are you?"
Cliches - answers to
Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the

Looking back maybe I should have printed these out and given to people at the funeral!  But I didn't have it then.

[John9]

I used to have a T-shirt as a joke that said I am out of bed and dressed what more do you want. NOW it is my life. I know if I don't at least get out of bed I will fall further into the pit of darkness and despair. I am just running into every kind of "wall" that there is, whenever I try to do something to take my mind off of the cycle I am in I am failing. I tried again yesterday to do something and it was an epic fail and I had to return to the house because I am unable to handle things. I am sitting here crying because it is a Saturday and I have already said what that means. I am debating on trying to go out and try to do something but since it is a weekend there will be more people out too and that is a whole other issue right now. It was a running joke with my friend, I would walk into his house and say have I told you lately how much I hate "people" but now everyone just "annoys" me. It is just one more of the many triggers I have now.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

I tried again yesterday to do something and it was an epic fail and I had to return to the house because I am unable to handle things.

John9:  Sorry that happened. I'm having a hard time getting out. Not just because of people but because of Sarcoidosis. Any activity, walking for instance, causes me to struggle with breathing and all sorts of unwanted effects. I'm just not there yet. But at least YOU keep trying and that IS something. I'm learning to take any little thing I can do and make it a positive. If I can't do what I'd really like because I'm not ready (due to grief or the Sarc), then I keep all the little things I can do and add them up together. Sooner or later I will have a bigger bag of "positives" in my pocket. Please keep trying, even if you go home and cry. I figure we will cry for the rest of our lives so don't be afraid to.  

[John9]

25 minutes ago, tnd said:

Please keep trying, even if you go home and cry. I figure we will cry for the rest of our lives so don't be afraid to.  

tnd,

I did and I am. I went out and it really just seems like the "Universe" is against me, nothing went the way it should and in my current state/frame of mind it really sucks. Before all of this I would just roll with it now I just want to roll into a ball and cry (and die). I know that life is not guaranteed to be easy but why does this have to be so hard. I know it is harder because of how much I LOVE(D) my loving wife but it is tearing me into as many pieces as my heart is in (a million) it's like a death of a million tears instead of a million cuts. I think I have already cried a million tears and there are millions more coming. I really have no choice but to keep trying because there is nobody that can or will do things for me the way I did for others, because of the way things were and are. I am not being critical of that it is and was an accepted fact from both my loving wife and I and was a fear of hers. She feared me dying and nobody would help her at least that didn't happen for her. I am able to go out it is just difficult right now to deal with but it is like everything else I have done before, if it is to be done I have to do it. This constant "whatever" can't be good for my body and I know it isn't good for my mind (what little is left). I just can't keep the negative out, I used to have "episodes" but my loving wife was there and now....

[Gail 8588]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

I wonder if I am stuck in a zombie existence-type mode. I don't want to be.

Tnd, 

I don't think you need to be worried about being stuck. Your loss is very recent. You have hardly had any opportunity to grieve at all. 

This is an enormously sad life event.  Your husband just died in June of this year, and you were immediately thrown into crisis to find housing, financial support and medical support.  At some point, you need to give yourself the opportunity to grieve.  It's way too early for you to be concerned that you are stuck. 

Gail

 

[tnd]

5 minutes ago, John9 said:

She feared me dying and nobody would help her at least that didn't happen for her.

John9: I know this won't sound right but I'm glad my husband went first. I would not have wanted him to endure the pain that I am. And he had lost his first wife so already went thru hell. So yes, at least your wife isn't suffering and going through what you are. But still, I'm sorry you are living in such pain. 

 

9 minutes ago, John9 said:

This constant "whatever" can't be good for my body and I know it isn't good for my mind (what little is left). I just can't keep the negative out,

John9:  And who said we have to keep the negative out? I don't think crying and falling apart because we are grieving is being negative -it's being real. I'd worry more if you weren't grieving. Nonetheless, all this pain and sorrow does take a toll on us. I know it's not good for our bodies. But what the heck...losing a loved one is never good either. Like I said before, I feel like roadkill. Going to be that way for a while. Hate it. That's why I said (somewhere on the site) that I feel like I'm just along for the ride now. Merely existing. But today is going a little better than yesterday.  

[tnd]

33 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

At some point, you need to give yourself the opportunity to grieve.  It's way too early for you to be concerned that you are stuck. 

Gail 8588:  I guess part of the reason I feel stuck in a zombie-mode is because I had waited several months for my husband to get better and come home from the hospital. Then he died. And now I am waiting on other things, more waiting. Seems all I've done this past year is wait. And then yesterday I learned that some of the paperwork to be processed for my Widows Benefits hadn't even been sent to my doctors. Now even more waiting. I feel as tho I am being held back, like I'm not allowed to move forward. So I wonder now if I am just turning or going to turn into a zombie. The old me, the girl who wasn't sick and had strength would be raising cane over things not being approved or done or would rally herself to go on. I can't do that though anymore because I just do not have the mental or physical strength to. 

[John9]

tnd,

 

1 hour ago, tnd said:

That's why I said (somewhere on the site) that I feel like I'm just along for the ride now. Merely existing. But today is going a little better than yesterday.  

I get it, I don't understand WHY but I get it. I am feeling more like I am being ridden and someone else is controlling the reins. Road hard and put away wet.

[tnd]

I keep wishing that all this were just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up and my husband will be here. When I think of everything I am going through, it seems pretty unbelievable. And I am so tired that I think of resting, only more of a permanent type of rest. John9, I do not know why we are being put through this hell but it's an absolute nightmare. Sometimes I can be positive but yesterday really set me back. I don't want to have to fight for every little thing just to have the basics in life. I want more than that. I've worked hard and I've already gone through a lot of personal tragedy and hardship. If the plan is for me to do this the rest of my life then I don't want it. 

[John9]

tnd,

When I was caring for my friend I used to say he had good days and bad days and as long as the good outnumbered the bad we were doing okay. Then we started caring for MIL and it was the same and the same saying was uttered by my loving wife and I. When my friend broke his hip and ended up in the Hospital and the rehab facility he was no longer having any good days and then he gave up. When my loving wife died MIL was still having good days and bad days but I was not really having any good days but had to hold it together for her because no one else could help me. Since MIL died I am not having any good days because like I said before it seems as if the Universe is just beating me down more and more all the time. Sadly when there is no pleasure or hope or desire and only pain and torturous life I wonder what IS the point. And down into the pit I go.

[tnd]

11 minutes ago, John9 said:

Sadly when there is no pleasure or hope or desire and only pain and torturous life I wonder what IS the point. And down into the pit I go.

John9:  EXACTLY. I can get by with even a small amount of hope but right now, I'm not feeling it. So I ask myself at what point does a person give up and fade away and die. I wonder if I am there. I wonder if I am going to be there because if I am, I'd just rather go now. It's like paying rent on a crummy place. No one wants to have to do that. And when you have to, life is miserable. Been there, done that. My husband and I were just starting to climb back up out of a hole. Then Wham! Back down into the hole I go.