Realization

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I don't like the thought of you following through with your plan because it is your "only" option.

John9:  I am sorry if I've made you and everyone else more sad than you already are while grieving the loss of your loved ones. Perhaps I should have kept my plan to myself. Yes, it does stink but maybe it is my time. I don't know. How can any of us be sure. I just don't want my cats to suffer so I'm waiting until closer to the end of the month so if I have to "go" then someone will come inside and find my cats before they starve. Meantime, I am searching and thinking of every avenue I can take, any resource. I've sent out some emails today and have left messages. You never know. 

[John9]

tnd,

I also do not want to make you any sadder than you are either. Talking/venting/sharing is the only way any of us can make it through whatever we "have" to. I hope that by sharing your plans/thoughts that something "good" will come of it. I sometimes agree with your belief about it being "my" time because EVERY DAY is worse for me than the one before and my only "good" is that I text my son every morning and every night so if he doesn't here from me he knows that he needs to find out WHY. This is the best I can do to make sure MIL and cats are cared for "when" I die. Last night was bad because storms moved through the area and I couldn't sleep and of course everything kept going through my head. I don't want to bring you or anyone down but the "only" reason I ever cared about the FUTURE was for my wife and without her I don't want SSDD anymore.

[KayC]

I can't sleep either.  My heart is heavy for everyone here,

[tnd]

9 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't want to bring you or anyone down but the "only" reason I ever cared about the FUTURE was for my wife and without her I don't want SSDD anymore.

John9:  Talking about your grief and sadness is sad but does not bring me down. That's why we are all here, to talk about our grief. And to talk about what has made grieving even harder...life stressors going on. For you, it is caring for your MIL while also having to tend to your friend's estate. I wish I could have just been allowed to grieve and not be dealing with everything else going on here. Some on here have family/friends but don't seem to be getting the moral support they need either. So while you and I are basically "alone" with all this, others are feeling alone too despite having people around that could be helping them.

I wondered more last nite about people who die of a broken heart. I keep having a peculiar pain in that area that I wasn't having before and so I wondered. I feel like I could die of a broken heart. Losing my husband has been THAT painful and I know you can relate. You know the pain I speak of. I guess all of us on here do. But really, it's not just emotionally painful but actually physically painful. And crying hurts too. My eyes, cheeks, lips, my whole face and head hurt. I've got to make the Ibuprofen last... 

[Gail 8588]

Tnd,

There were many times in my first 3 years that I really thought I was going to die.  I thought  about those statistics of people dying after losing their spouse. It made perfect sense to me that I was going to die. I had piercing chest pain - surely my heart was breaking. At times my head hurt so much, I was certain I must have ruptured some vessel in my brain.  Yet over and over again, I didn't die.  I was amazed that one could be in such severe physical pain from grief. 

Not saying that I will never experience it again, but I have not had one of 'this is killing me' events in the past 18 months, so I hope I am past that. 

Hugs

Gail

[John9]

tnd ,

I "actually" told my "family" that I expect to die from Broken Heart Syndrome and I also have/had the signs and am convinced that I am "only" alive because of MIL. I am okay if I die if it is my time for many reasons that I have expressed here and many I haven't. I am not trying to depress anyone but I wake up crying, I cry all die, and go to bed crying and everything hurts my face my eyes and my body aches too. I however try not to take any drugs unless absolutely necessary for my own reasons. I am sorry that you have to ration your "pain" pills but I am still hoping for the best for you. I am so drained physically and emotionally and feel wiped out most of the time. I still can't hold a proper train of thought and lose track of what I am saying.

 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I am so drained physically and emotionally and feel wiped out most of the time. I still can't hold a proper train of thought and lose track of what I am saying.

John9:  I know, it's hell. It's like being tortured every day. Since our families can't seem to understand that we need their help I wish they could at least "see" that we do. I would think our swollen eyes and faces and not being able to think straight would give them a clue but I guess not. Not even with oxygen tubing up my nose did my SIL think I needed help. I did do a little packing/cleaning and when I stopped for the night to rest, she said I was "playing victim" and could do more but that it was "my choice" not to and instead, was playing victim. She not only didn't concern herself with my disease but not my grief either. I even tried explaining the "fog of grief" to her and she just pointed a finger at me and kept saying I was playing victim. And then because I yelled at her she told my brother that I was abusive. So I feel just as alone as you are right now. I don't know why we are being punished. I use to look at life like it was a blessing. Too hard to view it as such now. I feel for you, John. Broken Heart Syndrome is real.   

[foreverhis]

On 8/11/2021 at 7:11 PM, tnd said:

John9:  I am sorry if I've made you and everyone else more sad than you already are while grieving the loss of your loved ones. Perhaps I should have kept my plan to myself. Yes, it does stink but maybe it is my time. I don't know. How can any of us be sure. I just don't want my cats to suffer so I'm waiting until closer to the end of the month so if I have to "go" then someone will come inside and find my cats before they starve. Meantime, I am searching and thinking of every avenue I can take, any resource. I've sent out some emails today and have left messages. You never know. 

Oh goodness, tnd, neither you nor John9 has any reason to apologize, none at all.  This is the place to voice (well, write) our fears, our pain, our anger, and our despair.  We all know and understand the depths of grief.  Though we are each different in our lives and situations, we have the common experience of losing our one-and-only loves.

Please do not think that you shouldn't post exactly what you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing.  We walk our unique paths, but we are on this road together, always.

[KayC]

On 8/12/2021 at 6:04 AM, John9 said:

without her I don't want SSDD anymore.

SSDD?

 

15 hours ago, tnd said:

I keep having a peculiar pain in that area that I wasn't having before and so I wondered.

Please get it checked out, it could be heart but it could be anxiety.  

Physical Grief Symptoms What's Your Grief
Physical Reactions to Loss

[John9]

KayC,

 Sorry,I didn't want to get risk getting blocked and I don't know the rules about profanity or swearing. Same Shi* Different Day, or wash rinse repeat or whatever term you want to use for everyday is the same endless monotony as the day before.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, John9 said:

I still can't hold a proper train of thought and lose track of what I am saying.

That's common in grief, I don't feel my focus was ever quite the same again, it's hard to know when it improved and then again, when it blended with aging.

[KayC]

1 minute ago, John9 said:

KayC,

 Sorry,I didn't want to get risk getting blocked and I don't know the rules about profanity or swearing. Same Shi* Different Day, or wash rinse repeat or whatever term you want to use for everyday is the same endless monotony as the day before.

Ahh, I don't think you'd get in trouble if you change a letter or abbreviate, but I looked up the letters and didn't think you meant Single Side Double Density (5 1/2" floppy disk)!

 

I wholeheartedly agree with Annie's response!  You are both dealing with very hard issues that just make your grief all the harder.
 

[John9]

So I have been "wondering" lately why at the age of (almost) 62 I am "breaking out" like a teenager. It turns out that this is the latest "gift" from Grief Stress. I haven't had it this bad in quite a while an occasional "pimple" from time to time but this is ridiculous. I had never heard about this feature to look forward to. It just makes me so much more "handsome" with the red eyes and red nose and pimples all over.

[steveb]

John9,  Extreme stress manifests itself physically. Try to eat clean to counteract anything, and exercise if you are up to it.  Do it at your own pace.  Last, but certainly not least, see your doctor and/or dermatologist.  I know it’s super tough, but try to manage the stress. 

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

That's common in grief, I don't feel my focus was ever quite the same again, it's hard to know when it improved and then again, when it blended with aging.

KayC:  I told my brother and SIL a lot of what you've said about grief and also what I've read on some of the links you've provided here on the site. Just doesn't sink in with them. Guess they think I'm full of it. That I've gone bonkers or am mentally ill. Like my brother said, I need to get myself fixed. Well, that's kind of hard to do in the position I am now in. 

[John9]

tnd,

The biggest problem is "we" don't need fixing we need help and there is a big difference. I am not broken I am GRIEVING, the only thing that is broken is the way people think about us and possibly the relationship we have/had with them. I have said all I can to the people who listen to me but I am only one person who doesn't have many who are still communicating with me so....

[tnd]

8 minutes ago, John9 said:

The biggest problem is "we" don't need fixing we need help and there is a big difference. I am not broken I am GRIEVING, the only thing that is broken is the way people think about us

John9:  I tried explaining that to my SIL when she was here. She and my brother both know that I have been homebound and utterly alone since last December with no one coming or even offering to help me. Other than food delivery people, I've had no human contact whatsoever. I reiterated this with my SIL and she just continued telling me that I was playing victim. I told her I was NOT normal right now and needed help, not her berating me. I said now was no time for me to be told to "shape up" and stop playing victim and that if I don't, that is my choice. That is exactly what she said to me. It was so so very angering and hurtful. I was crying, yelling, choking and coughing and had to sit down to catch my breath. All the while with the stupid oxygen tubing up my nose. You'd think a person would see that and know I may not be physically.100%. I remember the first day I saw the Pulmonologist. I didn't know what my O2 level was because I didn't have an oximeter, had no idea. But when they checked my O2 and said I was blue, they admitted me into the hospital. At that point, I had been struggling to breath for a couple months. And was getting worse. Finally appointment day came and boy, did I get a surprise and it scared the crap out of the Pulmonologist. I think he was surprised I was still alive. Anyways, my point in this little rambling (ha) is that you'd think when I told my SIL how I was both mentally but especially physically feeling that day, she would have clearly seen it for herself. But no, she felt it her duty to be a drill sergeant or life coach and spew the crap she did. 

[KayC]

33 minutes ago, tnd said:

Like my brother said, I need to get myself fixed.

That's assuming there's something wrong with you...grief is not unnatural or something "wrong," it's a natural response to loss.

[John9]

tnd,

Some people just can't see what is right in front of them and if it isn't about them they will figure out a way to make it that way. You will NEVER be able to explain to someone who doesn't listen and unfortunately the idea of the Doctor explaining to them your needs isn't going to happen because you can't move in with them for your mental and physical well being. The last thing anyone in your (or our) situation of dealing with grief AND a whole lot of other problems is trying to TEACH.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

The last thing anyone in your (or our) situation of dealing with grief AND a whole lot of other problems is trying to TEACH

John9:  Before she came out here, my SIL told me that when I got to their house to be prepared to play Uno. Well, as far as I feel, she can stick the entire deck of cards up her...oh, I won't say it here...but you know what I am thinking! 

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, John9 said:

KayC,

 Sorry,I didn't want to get risk getting blocked and I don't know the rules about profanity or swearing. Same Shi* Different Day, or wash rinse repeat or whatever term you want to use for everyday is the same endless monotony as the day before.

I'm not sure about all swearing, but once I used the f-bomb recently (with a "sensitivity" warning in advance).  It's not a word I use in daily life, except at home alone sometimes, so you can imagine it wasn't easy for me to type it!  When I posted, it came up as ****, so the software does pick up certain words as unacceptable.  I didn't get a warning or anything.  I guess the mods figure that seeing it as asterisks was warning enough.  I don't generally swear in public, but once in a while a "damn" or "hell" seem appropriate and those have never been "bleeped" over.  I'm not sure about the s-word, but Kay's suggestion is what some members do.

And yes definitely it does feel like SSDD or lather, rinse, repeat many days.

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Ahh, I don't think you'd get in trouble if you change a letter or abbreviate, but I looked up the letters and didn't think you meant Single Side Double Density (5 1/2" floppy disk)!

 

I wholeheartedly agree with Annie's response!  You are both dealing with very hard issues that just make your grief all the harder.
 

I suppose I'm showing my age that I knew that abbreviation without having to look it up.  Funny story.  Back in those dark ages, John had some clients who just didn't get why they should back up the results from running his accounting software.  He'd have them do two back ups while he watched.  Then he'd take a pair of scissors and cut one of the floppies in half.  He'd say, "That's why.  You just never know when something is going to happen."

[KayC]

Back in 1993 I was working in an office and the tech guy installed a zip drive, and I asked if I needed to back everything up every night and he said "No...only what you don't care to repeat."  Those words stuck with me all these years!

I'm an admin. on one site and moderator on another, we have key words that alert us and we have to approve or delete the post...we don't get alerted to modified words unless they're common and in our keywords.   I read all the posts there but most places do not, here they don't have the time as they work full time in addition to moderating.  I try to.

 

[John9]

KayC,

I worked where we were told to backup the data every night and unfortunately WHEN we needed it the information wasn't available because the drive failed. It is just the way things have gone "forever" and a reason that "we" never tried to plan things because you know....

[John9]

foreverhis,

My wife always "swore" and would say I'm sorry that is my work language because she was in a room alone or with only one other person most of the time so she could swear mostly when frustrated without getting in trouble so she would vent that way. If you heard her though it would have surprised you that she "could" say those words, it was just so funny to think about the reaction from people. I always try to not use the words but I do AND to me the F-bomb is the word FAIR because we all know that is one of the worst words because nothing is about our situations and never will be.

[Gail 8588]

Life is not fair. 

We add the people of Haiti to our prayers today.  

So much hardship and suffering in the world today.  It is very depressing. 

I am grateful for the blessings I did, and do, have. 

Gail

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

We add the people of Haiti to our prayers today.  

Gail 8588:  Amen! 

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

Back in 1993 I was working in an office and the tech guy installed a zip drive, and I asked if I needed to back everything up every night and he said "No...only what you don't care to repeat."  Those words stuck with me all these years!

Very true.  Once everything went to 3-1/2 inch hard covered "floppies" and zip disks, he couldn't demonstrate the same, grand way, but he still hammered it home to clients.

You'd think considering I'm a writer/technical writer and designer who always, always backed up at work, along with John being a CPA and software developer that I'd be the queen of backups.  And I am...now and for the past 30 years.  For me the lesson happened while John was in New York meeting with a Big Eight accounting firm.  I was doing some consulting work on the side and was completely rewriting and redesigning a business proposal for a start up.  Of course I had to work on it in the evenings after supper. 

I really needed to get a section done.  After the girls were in bed, I kept working.  I went to bed, but couldn't sleep (I never slept well the few times John was out of town for multiple nights), so I got up to finish it.  There I am writing along, very pleased with my latest revisions and the new design scheme.  Suddenly I hit the wrong key.  The screen blanked and I lost 4 hours of work.  Yes, I said the s-word and the f-bomb (with only the dog in the room).  I tried everything I knew to restore it to no avail. 

By then it was 2 am pacific, so 5 am eastern.  I called the B&B where he was staying and asked the owner, who fortunately was up prepping for the morning, to wake up my husband because I messed up.  Bless the man, he didn't get angry with me, just a little frustrated.  The B&B owner brought him coffee and a pastry, which helped his mood.  He walked me through a complex restore procedure, which was successful for about 90% of it (thanks to auto-backup, which was new at the time).

I never again failed to backup at least once an hour.

[tnd]

56 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

By then it was 2 am pacific, so 5 am eastern.  I called the B&B where he was staying and asked the owner, who fortunately was up prepping for the morning, to wake up my husband because I messed up.  Bless the man, he didn't get angry with me, just a little frustrated.

foreverhis:  Your husband sounds like he had the patience of a saint and an enormous amount of love for you. Marriage should be like that, where one can depend on the other when needed. 

[KayC]

Yes, Annie,your husband sounds like mine, very caring.

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

foreverhis:  Your husband sounds like he had the patience of a saint and an enormous amount of love for you. Marriage should be like that, where one can depend on the other when needed. 

Sometimes he definitely had more patience than I or our daughter or the world deserved.  Other times...Well, he had strong opinions and wouldn't suffer fools lightly.  But I could always depend on him being there for me, the same way I was for him.  That's definitely how marriage should work.  We support and hold up each other through whatever comes our way and we celebrate all the good things, both big and little.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Yes, Annie,your husband sounds like mine, very caring.

He was.  Even when he was frustrated or irritated with me, he didn't yell or say unkind things or anything like that.

[tnd]

On 8/15/2021 at 1:01 PM, foreverhis said:

Even when he was frustrated or irritated with me, he didn't yell or say unkind things or anything like that.

foreverhis:  My husband was also a patient man. Maybe too patient. He'd let his family walk all over him before ever saying anything to them about it. Most of the time he didn't say anything at all to let them know when they were being rude or overstepping their boundaries. He also never said an unkind thing about anyone, no matter what. Wish I had his strength. The only time he'd raise his voice was when he'd talk back to the tv when he was watching the news or politics. Just before he went into the hospital, we agreed we wouldn't watch so much news or politics any more. 

[John9]

Today is a very bad day and all I can think of is that the other day I talked to my wife's cousin and she had mentioned that the 19th of August is the one year anniversary of the death of her boyfriends death. I had mentioned this website for her to "reach" out for help but she is trying to process in her own way and said that maybe she would look into it later. I am only guessing that because we talked and it is a significant date for her and fresh in my mind, that my brain doing what it is doing used that as a trigger for my own grief. Sadly she is dealing with her grief and she is "cut" off also from her family because she is an alcoholic and only she can decide if she wants help for that. I know this is personal like grief is and I am unable to help her because of my own personal "hell" with alcoholics in my upbringing. I can't deal with it especially at this stage of my life but again it is something that just "rolls" around in my head. So much, too much pain and this one isn't even fully my own. I have told her she can talk to me but there isn't much else I can do for her. And her Mother is one of MIL's sisters who hasn't called her yet since her daughter died.

[KayC]

John, I understand, my father was an alcoholic as well and his drinking came before everything else in priority, including feeding/clothing kids. I remember the Father/Daughter banquet he stood me up for, I had to go with a friend and her dad, embarrassing.  So many horrific childhood memories between him and my mom, my mom was worse (mental/physical).  I did the best I could raising my kids as a teetotaller and trying to be a good mom, it must have worked because they both turned out well and have good memories, so I'm glad.  All we can do is take what we learn from it forward.  I had lots of counseling, something my parents never would do.

I have a friend who is a recovering addict, I don't know how I'd handle it if she fell off the wagon, same as my sister.  It's one thing I can't deal with.

[John9]

Once again today is a very bad day, I am very emotional and crying at the slightest trigger. It just seems like everyday is getting harder and harder to just make it through. There just is nothing that I am able to do that seems to make me want to keep this up. I am so tired and wiped out and the tossing and turning all night without any restful sleep is terrible. I am awake too early and I force myself to stay in bed and then I have to force myself to get out of bed to care for MIL. My heart feels like it is in a million pieces and there is nothing anymore. My brain seems like it is trying to kill me by a slow torture. I know this is probably not unique to me yet it is my grief and it hurts so much.

[steveb]

John9,

It does hurt like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.  The emotional/physical/psychological toll is indeed unimaginable, unless you’ve gone through it.  You must just do tasks, etc., at your own pace. You “must” focus on your well-being.  If others don’t understand, that’s their problem. You must prioritize your own needs now.  Thoughts and prayers heading your way John.  

[John9]

Sadly in all aspects I woke up again, too early and got up to.....It is Saturday and as I have said my wife should be here and of course she isn't. Every minute, hour, day and week is harder than the one before and it is pulling me apart and weighing me down. The stresses of my life are just making me hope that whatever God has planned for me ends soon. I have said it before and I will again that everyday when I go to bed I hope that I have fulfilled his plan and he will take me in my sleep. It has been 24 weeks today and I know so many others have been doing this much longer, and have made it through but I don't know how "you" did it because this is just too much. There is nothing left that I need to be here for, the cats will be fine with my son and MIL will still be cared for be someone when they HAVE to and all of my friends legal stuff will still be done by someone. I just don't care one way or the other and nothing matters. I function at the need to level only and just barely at that. Sorry if this sounds depressing but as I said before I write what I feel and this is how I feel. I don't know if this qualifies as a rant or a vent or just the facts but.....

[Diane R. E.]

John9: my heart goes out to you - you are exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally, which makes everything worse. I so wish you could get something to help you sleep. If I remember right, you said you weren't able to take sleeping pills because you need to wake up in case your MIL needs something. Have you talked to your doctor about other possible medications. I don't see how you can continue on much longer either with the way things are going. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. 

[Gail 8588]

John9,

Whether it is a rant or a vent or just the facts, it's how you are feeling, so it's just fine.  

The feeling you are having is why I retired from work. I just couldn't care about getting my work done. I'd struggle to do the minimum needed to advance the project off my desk.  But I just couldn't act like it mattered if this paperwork got done.  It wasn't fair to my colleagues, who were picking up a lot of my slack or to the people who did care about the project. 

I had planned on working for another year, to get to medicare age. But I just went ahead and retired early because it was just too much for me in my grief.  Even after I quit working, life itself felt like too much.  It just took so much effort to get through each day, and for what purpose. I couldn't see any. Everything was pointless.  Life without my love was so hard, so lonely, so painful. 

Now I can look back at that time and remember how hard it was, and I appreciate that my life is not as hard now.  

Taking care of an elderly dementia patient 24/7 is an exhausting job mentally and physically.  Doing it for a patient that didn't like you or treat you well, carries an extra load of emotional baggage.  Trying to do it when you are grieving the death of you wife, really is an impossible task.  

At one point, decades ago, I was an assistant state attorney, prosecuting criminals. I had 2 young kids and a husband who was always doing 20 different things of great importance. I was doing all I could to be a good mom, support my husband, keep up the house and work full time. I was exhausted.  I would be in court when misdemeanor offenders would be sentenced to 30 days or 60 days in jail and I would wish it could be me.  What a 'vacation' it sounded to me to go to jail for X days, no cooking, cleaning, no responsibilities of any sort.   

Just the fantasy of an exhausted prosecutor.  

Life is really hard sometimes, without grief layered on top.  Caring for your MIL is one of those times.  I can't imagine how you have been able to do it while you are grieving. 

It really is too much. 

Hugs,

Gail

[KayC]

John, I'm having a hard time dealing with all of my sister's needs and can so relate, you have the addition of fresh grief on top of it.

[tnd]

On 8/28/2021 at 9:46 AM, John9 said:

The stresses of my life are just making me hope that whatever God has planned for me ends soon. I have said it before and I will again that everyday when I go to bed I hope that I have fulfilled his plan and he will take me in my sleep.

John9:  It IS all too much for us, isn't it. I feel like I am being broken down by the day. I ask if I am just going to be broken down until I die because if so, I could take care of that a lot quicker and less painfully. I've spent some of my day now emailing churches and begging for help. I wonder if you should do that just to get a little break from your MIL and maybe go somewhere to be alone. Maybe even a hotel for a day. Or two.  

[John9]

tnd,

9 minutes ago, tnd said:

It IS all too much for us, isn't it. I feel like I am being broken down by the day. I ask if I am just going to be broken down until I die because if so, I could take care of that a lot quicker and less painfully.

I definitely agree that my end could be quicker and hopefully less painful but I am not in charge of that right now for reasons stated before. As for taking time away I am honestly afraid I wouldn't come back, I have "thought" about just getting in my car and driving away and not even telling anyone where I am. That is not a good thing to think and I will probably be "punished" more for thinking that way. My brain wouldn't let me do it anyway because I would never be able to rest too many bad thoughts. I know that everybody has some sort of troubles in their lives but this seems like some of "us" are getting too much and then of course we are alone in dealing with them and......I just miss her sooooooo much and it isn't getting any "better" it is worse each day and night. I just want to be able to have the peace that my wife is hopefully having and I need. I have been doing too much for too long and now I am doing it alone and it is too overwhelming to keep this up.

[steveb]

John,

Please try and get some help, counseling, and assistance.  You are stretched thin beyond belief, and running on empty.  You have got to get some rest. Rest for your mind, body, and spirit. 
 

Please keep posting on how you are doing. We are all pulling for you.
 

 

[John9]

Just got back from the Hospital MIL passed away tonight. I was getting her ready for bed and took her to the bathroom and after wiping her and pulling up her pants she collapsed on the floor. I called 911 and checked her blood sugar and by the time the arrived she stopped breathing, they revived her took her to the Hospital and she coded twice in the ambulance and when the Doctor came to talk to me he said she was not able to breathe on her own. I showed him the paperwork that she had drawn up many years ago that said IF not able to "exist" without extraordinary means DNR and they stopped all efforts and she slowly stopped breathing until she died. Now I have another legal mess to deal with and funeral arrangements and....One less thing and a million more.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

You fulfilled every hope your wife could have had regarding your caring for her mother.  You will finally have some rest.  

The legal work can wait.  Take a bit of time to allow yourself to grieve, rest, recover your own well-being. 

You did an incredible job, and honored your wife in the most  meaningful way. 

Gail

 

[LMR]

John9. My condolences. I expect that you are feeling stunned at the moment. You no longer have a routine. Hopefully you will be able to get some rest now and take the time to properly grieve for your wife. You have done what she wanted, nobody could have asked for more from you. Its time to take care of yourself.

[tnd]

John9:  Whoa. I am really sorry about that. I am sorry you had to go through all that and seeing your MIL die. It's good tho that you had that paperwork and DNR. You did right by her by being able to present it to the doctors. And you've certainly have done right by your wife. They are together now, both at peace and in good health. Please try to take care of yourself now. Your wife would probably be telling you that if she could. Maybe those petunias were her and she was saying it was going to be alright. Please believe that it will.  

[Sparky1]

Wow, John. My condolences on the passing of your MIL. You've been through a really rough ride and are still on it, I hope you can take care of yourself. Your wife would be proud of you, as we all are considering what you've had dealt to you.

[steveb]

My sincere condolences also John. You are truly an extraordinary and caring man.   
 

Thoughts and prayers heading your way my friend.   
 

steve

[KayC]

9 hours ago, John9 said:

MIL passed away tonight.

Wow, it seems one thing after another, but I doubt she'd have wanted to remain as she was for a long time so blessing for her but for you, yes a bunch more work, but at least temporary.  My condolences, to you and the family.  You filled your wishes towards your wife and she is proud of you, of that you can be sure.  I hope someone in your family comes along beside you.  Maybe keep to a simple funeral, leave to the director as much as possible.  I join with the others in saying you are truly  an extraordinary and caring man.

[John9]

To all. This is the "other" shoe I have been expecting since my wife died, I knew it was coming actually "we" knew it when my wife was alive but as I have said before knowing something doesn't make it easier. My son is going to be responsible for deciding about his Grandma because I said to him sadly he needs "experience" for when it is my turn. It will be a direct cremation like my wife because "nobody" cared when she was alive so I don't need crocodile tears now about how much they will miss her. Too much went through my head last night again about how "wrong" everything is in the last 2 years and we will see how this all fits into God's plan for me. At least hopefully she is at peace with her "family".