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Realization


John9

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1 hour ago, John9 said:

I don't like the thought of you following through with your plan because it is your "only" option.

John9:  I am sorry if I've made you and everyone else more sad than you already are while grieving the loss of your loved ones. Perhaps I should have kept my plan to myself. Yes, it does stink but maybe it is my time. I don't know. How can any of us be sure. I just don't want my cats to suffer so I'm waiting until closer to the end of the month so if I have to "go" then someone will come inside and find my cats before they starve. Meantime, I am searching and thinking of every avenue I can take, any resource. I've sent out some emails today and have left messages. You never know. 

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9 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't want to bring you or anyone down but the "only" reason I ever cared about the FUTURE was for my wife and without her I don't want SSDD anymore.

John9:  Talking about your grief and sadness is sad but does not bring me down. That's why we are all here, to talk about our grief. And to talk about what has made grieving even harder...life stressors going on. For you, it is caring for your MIL while also having to tend to your friend's estate. I wish I could have just been allowed to grieve and not be dealing with everything else going on here. Some on here have family/friends but don't seem to be getting the moral support they need either. So while you and I are basically "alone" with all this, others are feeling alone too despite having people around that could be helping them.

I wondered more last nite about people who die of a broken heart. I keep having a peculiar pain in that area that I wasn't having before and so I wondered. I feel like I could die of a broken heart. Losing my husband has been THAT painful and I know you can relate. You know the pain I speak of. I guess all of us on here do. But really, it's not just emotionally painful but actually physically painful. And crying hurts too. My eyes, cheeks, lips, my whole face and head hurt. I've got to make the Ibuprofen last... 

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On 8/12/2021 at 6:04 AM, John9 said:

without her I don't want SSDD anymore.

SSDD?

 

15 hours ago, tnd said:

I keep having a peculiar pain in that area that I wasn't having before and so I wondered.

Please get it checked out, it could be heart but it could be anxiety.  

Physical Grief Symptoms What's Your Grief
Physical Reactions to Loss

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KayC,

 Sorry,I didn't want to get risk getting blocked and I don't know the rules about profanity or swearing. Same Shi* Different Day, or wash rinse repeat or whatever term you want to use for everyday is the same endless monotony as the day before.

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14 hours ago, John9 said:

I still can't hold a proper train of thought and lose track of what I am saying.

That's common in grief, I don't feel my focus was ever quite the same again, it's hard to know when it improved and then again, when it blended with aging.

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1 minute ago, John9 said:

KayC,

 Sorry,I didn't want to get risk getting blocked and I don't know the rules about profanity or swearing. Same Shi* Different Day, or wash rinse repeat or whatever term you want to use for everyday is the same endless monotony as the day before.

Ahh, I don't think you'd get in trouble if you change a letter or abbreviate, but I looked up the letters and didn't think you meant Single Side Double Density (5 1/2" floppy disk)! :D

 

I wholeheartedly agree with Annie's response!  You are both dealing with very hard issues that just make your grief all the harder.
 

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So I have been "wondering" lately why at the age of (almost) 62 I am "breaking out" like a teenager. It turns out that this is the latest "gift" from Grief Stress. I haven't had it this bad in quite a while an occasional "pimple" from time to time but this is ridiculous. I had never heard about this feature to look forward to. It just makes me so much more "handsome" with the red eyes and red nose and pimples all over.

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John9,  Extreme stress manifests itself physically. Try to eat clean to counteract anything, and exercise if you are up to it.  Do it at your own pace.  Last, but certainly not least, see your doctor and/or dermatologist.  I know it’s super tough, but try to manage the stress. 

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

That's common in grief, I don't feel my focus was ever quite the same again, it's hard to know when it improved and then again, when it blended with aging.

KayC:  I told my brother and SIL a lot of what you've said about grief and also what I've read on some of the links you've provided here on the site. Just doesn't sink in with them. Guess they think I'm full of it. That I've gone bonkers or am mentally ill. Like my brother said, I need to get myself fixed. Well, that's kind of hard to do in the position I am now in. 

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33 minutes ago, tnd said:

Like my brother said, I need to get myself fixed.

That's assuming there's something wrong with you...grief is not unnatural or something "wrong," it's a natural response to loss.

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tnd,

Some people just can't see what is right in front of them and if it isn't about them they will figure out a way to make it that way. You will NEVER be able to explain to someone who doesn't listen and unfortunately the idea of the Doctor explaining to them your needs isn't going to happen because you can't move in with them for your mental and physical well being. The last thing anyone in your (or our) situation of dealing with grief AND a whole lot of other problems is trying to TEACH.

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3 minutes ago, John9 said:

The last thing anyone in your (or our) situation of dealing with grief AND a whole lot of other problems is trying to TEACH

John9:  Before she came out here, my SIL told me that when I got to their house to be prepared to play Uno. Well, as far as I feel, she can stick the entire deck of cards up her...oh, I won't say it here...but you know what I am thinking! 

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Back in 1993 I was working in an office and the tech guy installed a zip drive, and I asked if I needed to back everything up every night and he said "No...only what you don't care to repeat."  Those words stuck with me all these years!

I'm an admin. on one site and moderator on another, we have key words that alert us and we have to approve or delete the post...we don't get alerted to modified words unless they're common and in our keywords. ;)  I read all the posts there but most places do not, here they don't have the time as they work full time in addition to moderating.  I try to.

 

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KayC,

I worked where we were told to backup the data every night and unfortunately WHEN we needed it the information wasn't available because the drive failed. It is just the way things have gone "forever" and a reason that "we" never tried to plan things because you know....

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foreverhis,

My wife always "swore" and would say I'm sorry that is my work language because she was in a room alone or with only one other person most of the time so she could swear mostly when frustrated without getting in trouble so she would vent that way. If you heard her though it would have surprised you that she "could" say those words, it was just so funny to think about the reaction from people. I always try to not use the words but I do AND to me the F-bomb is the word FAIR because we all know that is one of the worst words because nothing is about our situations and never will be.

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1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

We add the people of Haiti to our prayers today.  

Gail 8588:  Amen! 

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56 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

By then it was 2 am pacific, so 5 am eastern.  I called the B&B where he was staying and asked the owner, who fortunately was up prepping for the morning, to wake up my husband because I messed up.  Bless the man, he didn't get angry with me, just a little frustrated.

foreverhis:  Your husband sounds like he had the patience of a saint and an enormous amount of love for you. Marriage should be like that, where one can depend on the other when needed. 

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foreverhis
17 hours ago, tnd said:

foreverhis:  Your husband sounds like he had the patience of a saint and an enormous amount of love for you. Marriage should be like that, where one can depend on the other when needed. 

Sometimes he definitely had more patience than I or our daughter or the world deserved.  Other times...Well, he had strong opinions and wouldn't suffer fools lightly.  But I could always depend on him being there for me, the same way I was for him.  That's definitely how marriage should work.  We support and hold up each other through whatever comes our way and we celebrate all the good things, both big and little.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Yes, Annie,your husband sounds like mine, very caring.

He was.  Even when he was frustrated or irritated with me, he didn't yell or say unkind things or anything like that.

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On 8/15/2021 at 1:01 PM, foreverhis said:

Even when he was frustrated or irritated with me, he didn't yell or say unkind things or anything like that.

foreverhis:  My husband was also a patient man. Maybe too patient. He'd let his family walk all over him before ever saying anything to them about it. Most of the time he didn't say anything at all to let them know when they were being rude or overstepping their boundaries. He also never said an unkind thing about anyone, no matter what. Wish I had his strength. The only time he'd raise his voice was when he'd talk back to the tv when he was watching the news or politics. Just before he went into the hospital, we agreed we wouldn't watch so much news or politics any more. 

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Diane R. E.

John9: my heart goes out to you - you are exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally, which makes everything worse. I so wish you could get something to help you sleep. If I remember right, you said you weren't able to take sleeping pills because you need to wake up in case your MIL needs something. Have you talked to your doctor about other possible medications. I don't see how you can continue on much longer either with the way things are going. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. 

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John, I'm having a hard time dealing with all of my sister's needs and can so relate, you have the addition of fresh grief on top of it.

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My sincere condolences also John. You are truly an extraordinary and caring man.   
 

Thoughts and prayers heading your way my friend.   
 

steve

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9 hours ago, John9 said:

MIL passed away tonight.

Wow, it seems one thing after another, but I doubt she'd have wanted to remain as she was for a long time so blessing for her but for you, yes a bunch more work, but at least temporary.  My condolences, to you and the family. :wub: You filled your wishes towards your wife and she is proud of you, of that you can be sure.  I hope someone in your family comes along beside you.  Maybe keep to a simple funeral, leave to the director as much as possible.  I join with the others in saying you are truly  an extraordinary and caring man.

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To all. This is the "other" shoe I have been expecting since my wife died, I knew it was coming actually "we" knew it when my wife was alive but as I have said before knowing something doesn't make it easier. My son is going to be responsible for deciding about his Grandma because I said to him sadly he needs "experience" for when it is my turn. It will be a direct cremation like my wife because "nobody" cared when she was alive so I don't need crocodile tears now about how much they will miss her. Too much went through my head last night again about how "wrong" everything is in the last 2 years and we will see how this all fits into God's plan for me. At least hopefully she is at peace with her "family".

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