Moderators KayC Posted December 8, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted December 8, 2021 I didn't mean to diminish it, Gail, I hate power outages! They're a big deal, I think not knowing if/when it'll come on is a big deal in itself. And we never know and they never tell us. Just stating they can't always control it either. I hate it when they have planned outages and don't let us know what's going on ahead of time! I hope yours is back by now?! I don't have internet without mine. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 8, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2021 16 hours ago, tnd said: Maybe your power went out because everyone has their thermostats on high to keep warm. You want to talk about power grids? Remember, I'm in Texas...for some folks down here, last winter was an apocalypse. tnd, As I said I was also just venting, my frustration level is so over the top and is seems like everything sets me off and if I don't vent......I get angry because the executives make millions in bonuses and don't want to spend any money to update their equipment but go to the State commission to make us pay to fix their broken system. Not the best way of working for the consumer. Basic way to do business, if it is yours fix it on your dime before you pay out bonuses. I know it's not the real world but I'm tired of the so called real world. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 8, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2021 44 minutes ago, KayC said: I hate it when they have planned outages and don't let us know what's going on ahead of time! I hope yours is back by now?! I don't have internet without mine. KayC, That is why there were "alarms", I have battery back-ups on various devices throughout the house for small outages and to keep the internet and cable on. It was mostly for my loving wife and MIL and so I didn't have to reset things. My loving wife absolutely hated the "beeping" of the alarms because repetitive sounds really bothered her because she had hearing issues. She was mostly deaf in one ear and noises messed with her. She actually had surgery when we were first married and the cut her ear "off" and peeled it back to scrape the bone to remove an infection which is why she was almost deaf, not from the surgery but from the infection it was so deep and lasted so long but she managed to deal with it. I always believed that the reason some people "disliked" her was they thought she was ignoring them but if you were on the wrong "ear" side she really didn't hear you. She never went around telling everyone she was hard of hearing because that was just the way she was. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2021 5 hours ago, John9 said: .I get angry because the executives make millions in bonuses and don't want to spend any money to update their equipment but go to the State commission to make us pay to fix their broken system. John9: It's okay to vent here. I vent all the time. If I didn't, I'd explode. Now, the subject you brought up about executives REALLY chafes my hide. I could go on and on about it but I'll stop here before I get myself too worked up. I've got a couple more chores I want to complete today. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted December 11, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 11, 2021 So it's another Sadderday and the weather is gloomy and high winds 55-60 mph and flooding in the yard and the sump pump outside isn't working and it just keeps hitting. I am so tired and worn out and even though I am trying to figure out what to do, it is worse and worse each day and each new problem adding to it. I am so angry and frustrated and sad and crying at every little thing as well as the big things like missing my loving wife and the Holidays and all of the things telling me it is the happiest time of the year. I know it is still only 9 months (today) and that isn't long but as I have said (too) many times it seems like years for me. I am not making light of people who have actually suffered for years I am saying this seems so endlessly long. I just want the peace my loving wife is hopefully having in Heaven. It is Hell here without her. I'm sorry I keep repeating myself but.... 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted December 11, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 11, 2021 John9, I do think there is some sort of time warp with grief. It is like our brains don't register the passage of time correctly anymore, at least not with regard to our spouse. I am approaching 5 years since my husband died and in many ways it still feels like he was with me yesterday. I was at a park last week and a man was walking up the street towards me and he generally had my husband's body shape and salt and pepper hair and was wearing clothes my husband would have worn, and for a moment my brain told me "Oh good, John is going to join me here on this bench". As if it were an ordinary event. Like I had totally forgotten that he died in 2017. He was just strolling up to join me and we would go grab a bite to eat. Of course as the man got closer, it wasn't John and my mind remembered that it couldn't be John, as he is dead. But for that brief period, it was as if no time had passed since we last met up to go grab lunch together. Other times, particularly when I have been lost in despair, it seems like an eternity since he last held me. It is as if time stretches out at times, and then in other situations time loops back over on itself and it is as if my life with John was just yesterday. It is very strange. Gail 3 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted December 11, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 11, 2021 5 hours ago, John9 said: So it's another Sadderday and the weather is gloomy and high winds 55-60 mph and flooding in the yard and the sump pump outside isn't working and it just keeps hitting. I am so tired and worn out and even though I am trying to figure out what to do, it is worse and worse each day and each new problem adding to it. I am so angry and frustrated and sad and crying at every little thing as well as the big things like missing my loving wife and the Holidays and all of the things telling me it is the happiest time of the year. I know it is still only 9 months (today) and that isn't long but as I have said (too) many times it seems like years for me. I am not making light of people who have actually suffered for years I am saying this seems so endlessly long. I just want the peace my loving wife is hopefully having in Heaven. It is Hell here without her. I'm sorry I keep repeating myself but.... Yes, we're having spring like weather over here today, but now in the afternoon the winds are howling and I can hear things rattling around outside. Went today to get an ingrown toenail removed surgically and can't do much walking, thankfully I was able to drive home. It hit how much my wife meant to me, she would have been there with me and drove me home. Yesterday I went for my annual blood work, ultrasound, etc. and afterwards punched into the car navigation for the closest Winners so I can pick up some bed sheets. The navigation brought me to a mall that brought tears to my eyes. It looked so familiar and the memories of the times my wife and I went there came back to haunt me. The last time we went there must have been a few years ago, yet it seems like a week ago and at the same time it felt like it was 20 years ago. I couldn't handle the memories of us walking down the mall, her going into the clothing stores that she loved and me waiting for her outside the store. I got the sheets and left quickly, it was too much for me. I think the incoming Holidays are starting to play havoc on my mind, as I realize that she won't be here to be with everyone. The waves of grief are unrelenting, coming and going and yet always there. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 11, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 11, 2021 1 hour ago, Sparky1 said: It hit how much my wife meant to me, she would have been there with me and drove me home. 1 hour ago, Sparky1 said: The navigation brought me to a mall that brought tears to my eyes. It looked so familiar and the memories of the times my wife and I went there came back to haunt me. The last time we went there must have been a few years ago, yet it seems like a week ago and at the same time it felt like it was 20 years ago. I couldn't handle the memories of us walking down the mall, her going into the clothing stores that she loved and me waiting for her outside the store. I got the sheets and left quickly, it was too much for me. I think the incoming Holidays are starting to play havoc on my mind, as I realize that she won't be here to be with everyone. The waves of grief are unrelenting, coming and going and yet always there. Sparky1, This hits home for me because I could have written it. My loving wife and I would go shopping most of the time to "stretch" our legs and loosen our back muscles. We dis so much together and when I even try to do anything like shopping (that I always enjoyed doing) it hits me like a brick or it's like running into a wall of emotions. I just don't know how I am supposed to do this all without the love of my life. As I have said before nothing makes any sense even the simplest things let alone the complicated things. I received a paper in the mail today that seems so confusing to me and of course it is the weekend so there aren't open to answer my question but it says I have to respond in less than a week but if I can't get an answer. This type of stuff just drives me crazier than I am, I am already frustrated and this pushes me further along. As far as having your wife with you to do something as simple as drive you home after "anything" that is the thing that just keeps hurting the realization of what is "gone" or should I say the constant reminder of what is gone. We don't need to be reminded but we are aren't we. I know I "live" it every day and it hurts worse each day. It feels more and more each day that nobody cares that my loving wife died and nobody remembers her either. These are the thoughts that go through my head everyday all day and so many more. It seems that everything just sets me off and makes me cry, I cried last night when I found out that Michael Nesmith from the Monkees died I liked them but why am I crying for someone I don't "know". I have cried for many things lately that I may have been sad over but not to that level. Just venting/writing 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted December 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: I do think there is some sort of time warp with grief. It is like our brains don't register the passage of time correctly anymore, at least not with regard to our spouse. It really does. Some days it feels as if John was right here with me yesterday. Other times it feels as if I lost him forever ago, like our life together was a dream or a movie I once saw. It's disconcerting at times. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 12, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 14 minutes ago, foreverhis said: Some days it feels as if John was right here with me yesterday. Other times it feels as if I lost him forever ago, like our life together was a dream or a movie I once saw. It's disconcerting at times. foreverhis, I know it's only 9 months for me but it seems like forever since I was able to hug and kiss and be with my loving wife and I don't know how you and the others have made it through years of this pain and suffering. The tears are just flowing now as I try to write this. I really need some peace and for all of this to end. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted December 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 8 hours ago, John9 said: I am so angry and frustrated and sad and crying at every little thing as well as the big things like missing my loving wife and the Holidays and all of the things telling me it is the happiest time of the year. John9: Sorry you are on this terrible journey. I hate it too. The holidays don't really have me down too much because for last few years they sucked. Guess I've gotten use to that. But I do think about Christmas and what a happy time it used to be. I loved baking Christmas cookies and then frosting them and decorating them with edible gels and decorations. Hope to get back to that maybe next year. As for frustration and anger, I'm right there with ya. Just when I think I've got something licked, another problem or downer pops up. At the moment I am dealing with other people's moodiness and wickedness. Can't quite figure out why they are like that because if they were in our shoes, they'd know what a bad time is really like. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted December 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: I was at a park last week and a man was walking up the street towards me and he generally had my husband's body shape and salt and pepper hair and was wearing clothes my husband would have worn, and for a moment my brain told me "Oh good, John is going to join me here on this bench". Gail 8588: The other week there was a morning when I thought I heard my husband talking on the phone to his father. I could hear him talk and even chuckling, just like he would do. I raised my head up for a moment to listen and my brain decided that it was him and to go back to sleep. But in the next moment, I knew it hadn't been him. It was so strange. I swear it sounded just like him. Nobody was on the phone here. I still made me feel good, though. Even if I only thought I heard him, it was nice to hear his cheerful voice and his chuckle. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted December 12, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, tnd said: At the moment I am dealing with other people's moodiness and wickedness. Can't quite figure out why they are like that because if they were in our shoes, they'd know what a bad time is really like. tnd, I have known people who seem to thrive on conflict, my friend who died in January was one and so was someone who had worked for him. They acted like an old married couple who couldn't wait for the other to die. He seemed to get worse as he got older and I think the stroke made it that way. The things I saw happen to people is/was my biggest fears and I was very happy that my loving wife was beside me to keep me grounded and on the right path. Now without her guidance and love and support and all else I am afraid of the dark pit of despair and falling into a mindset I don't want. I used to make fudge and cookies and all sort of Christmas "goodies" because we had visitors, now nobody and I sure don't want or need them. As I said before we loved our food, sweets were more my thing although there were some my loving wife liked. It was funny because our definition of what was too sweet was like the opposite. I would really like something and she would only be able to take a small bite, then she would like something and I could only take a small bite of it. Kinda like Jack Sprat and his wife where between them they would eat it all. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 5 minutes ago, John9 said: I have known people who seem to thrive on conflict, my friend who died in January was one and so was someone who had worked for him. They acted like an old married couple who couldn't wait for the other to die. He seemed to get worse as he got older and I think the stroke made it that way. The things I saw happen to people is/was my biggest fears and I was very happy that my loving wife was beside me to keep me grounded and on the right path. John9: I hope you will continue letting your wife keep you on the right path. Keep remembering what she'd say or do to do that. For me, it was my husband. He was a gentle man. Me? I'm the one with the short temper. But after being diagnosed something changed in me. I told my husband that I did not want to judge people, that you can't judge a book by it's cover. I want to be more flexible, and I want to be more understanding. And for the most part I think I am. And I certainly don't have much of a temper anymore. I don't want to be miserable and make those around me miserable. Around here where I am, I am living with some mighty miserable people. 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 12 minutes ago, John9 said: I used to make fudge and cookies and all sort of Christmas "goodies" because we had visitors, now nobody and I sure don't want or need them. John9: Maybe you could make some for your neighbor or to take to Veterans. And there would be nothing wrong with making some for yourself, even if you don't need them. Who NEEDS a cookie, anyways? Sure, it's not a food we need but heck, the pleasure of smelling them bake and then eating them would be so worth it. I plan to make some when I get my own place. Or at least try to. Might take me hours to do but I'm going to at least attempt it. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 12, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 2 minutes ago, tnd said: I hope you will continue letting your wife keep you on the right path. Keep remembering what she'd say or do to do that. tnd, I am trying, it is just that everything is so frustrating and my anger over the lack of compassion and understanding is sometimes off the chart. I try to take that deep breath and I try to remember the "what will be will be" that my loving wife had started saying a little while before she died but it isn't easy. It still comes down to one day at a time and if I "messed" up yesterday I have to start over like someone in AA or any other program. Still doesn't change the fact I want it to end. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 12, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, tnd said: Maybe you could make some for your neighbor or to take to Veterans. And there would be nothing wrong with making some for yourself, even if you don't need them. Who NEEDS a cookie, anyways? Sure, it's not a food we need but heck, the pleasure of smelling them bake and then eating them would be so worth it. I plan to make some when I get my own place. Or at least try to. Might take me hours to do but I'm going to at least attempt it. tnd, We tried to give some to our neighbors before and they said they don't eat "sweets", So I don't do that anymore. As for the Veterans there isn't a "facility" around here. I was just making a point about another thing that I miss about the life "we" had. I know it can never be the same because it isn't the same which is why I am here. That being said I don't know why I'm here and I have said that many times, I am waiting for God to say I have fulfilled whatever his plan is. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 2 minutes ago, John9 said: if I "messed" up yesterday I have to start over like someone in AA or any other program. Still doesn't change the fact I want it to end. John9: Interesting you describe it that way. I get angry because any little thing I do or have to do takes a little thought or planning. It's not just because of my illness but the fact that I am having to share a house with other people right now. Can't just go take a shower when I want...stuff like that. And then when I start to do something but suddenly because of someone else the plans are changed, it is downright frustrating. And just like you described, it's like I have to start over again with figuring out where I went wrong. At that point, I think about "quality of life" and start to feel sorry for myself because there are days where I feel I have very little quality of life. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 3 minutes ago, John9 said: I don't know why I'm here and I have said that many times, I am waiting for God to say I have fulfilled whatever his plan is. John9: My purpose or so I thought, had been my husband. Without him I don't know what my purpose is. I do have some plans rolling around in my head but it will be a while until I can even attempt anything. I feel like I am just biding my time now. Maybe I am. But something tells me that there has to be more to life than this. I remember a Pastor once telling me that just because we meet a goal, we have to continue setting more goals for myself. We were talking about the Space Challenger, and I said something like "at least they died doing what they loved" and added that I hope I will be that lucky. But no, the Pastor said we have to continue making more goals, not just one big one and then when it is met it is over. It's been years since I had that conversation with that Pastor but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 12, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 11 minutes ago, tnd said: But something tells me that there has to be more to life than this. I remember a Pastor once telling me that just because we meet a goal, we have to continue setting more goals for myself. tnd, I understand the principal of this because that is the concept that is used for retirees to keep them from losing interest in life. My loving wife and I said her Mother went downhill quickly and the dementia was hastened by her lack of hobbies and other interests. That again was a fear of my loving wife "when" she retired she wanted to make sure her brain was stimulated as much as possible. It is just hard now to "care" about anything that will prolong this pain or delay the end result. Sorry I continue thinking this way. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 1 minute ago, John9 said: It is just hard now to "care" about anything that will prolong this pain or delay the end result. Sorry I continue thinking this way. John9: You've got nothing to be sorry about. You lost your wife and life sucks without her. Don't be sorry for feeling that way because I know it is the truth and we can't help to feel this way. I think it's okay to not give a hoot about anything right now, too. Doesn't mean that something might matter to you tomorrow or in the proceeding months. We cannot know how things will go until the day is upon us. Hate to say it but I've been thinking it will be this way for a while yet to come. I'd rather my suffering and sadness be over with right away but I don't think I will be lucky enough. Going to bide my time and while I do that, see what else I can do. Maybe nothing tomorrow or the next but maybe soon after that. Or next month... 2 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 12, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 10 hours ago, John9 said: I just want the peace my loving wife is hopefully having in Heaven. It is Hell here without her. I'm sorry things are so hard, John, it is here too, also hazardous weather alerts, high winds, I spent the day picking up branches in the yard, will have more to pick up tomorrow, between that and the snow...missing my granddaughter's performance tomorrow so that has me glum, and no idea how I'll make the long drive to the dentist Thursday, wish I had AWD in my car. 4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: for a moment my brain told me "Oh good, John is going to join me here on this bench". I had that happen once in a grocery store, a man's back of his neck looked just like George's, it hit me... 44 minutes ago, tnd said: Without him I don't know what my purpose is. It takes time to figure it out, it'll come to you, seems it just unfolds when you are ready. It can change in time too. For years one of my purposes is being here for others grieving, I still feel that, the other one I have is helping people with diabetes. And it seems lately it's also helping others going through stuff, my sister and my neighbor friend going through chemo...I didn't choose it, it just kind of went that way. 28 minutes ago, John9 said: the dementia was hastened by her lack of hobbies and other interests I get that, my sister was retired from her job at 49, didn't want to be, totally lost interest in life, just sat in her easy chair, read, talked on the phone, she's the one who has dementia, she's 77 now. 28 years is a long time to be depressed and do nothing about her life. I tried to interest her in reading to children at the school, nope. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 12, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2021 So, today on another forum I was basically told I have been grieving too long for my loving wife and I should be done by now. This person said that she had lost her Mother and was over her death in a short time and I should too. I replied that unless and until you have experienced this you won't understand. I said I had many deaths in my life and there is no real comparison to this type. 2 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted December 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 13, 2021 1 hour ago, John9 said: So, today on another forum I was basically told I have been grieving too long for my loving wife and I should be done by now. John9: Pardon me, but that's a bunch of bull right there. I'm sorry someone said that to you. You only recently lost your wife so I don't see how they could possibly think you've been grieving for too long. And since when does someone else get to decide how long you should grieve for? Like I said, that was BS. I'm sure it upset you otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it but please don't let it get to you. You are grieving because you've suffered a tremendous loss, the love of your life and it darn sure hurts. I don't want to sound negative (I think you've had enough of that) but you may be grieving for a long time yet to come and, to a certain extent, probably the rest of your life. I know I will be. That's why I want to figure out how to carry my grief with me as a navigate through the rest of my life. Again, I'm sorry that person said that to you. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted December 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 13, 2021 17 minutes ago, tnd said: John9: Pardon me, but that's a bunch of bull right there. I'm sorry someone said that to you. You only recently lost your wife so I don't see how they could possibly think you've been grieving for too long. And since when does someone else get to decide how long you should grieve for? Like I said, that was BS. I'm sure it upset you otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it but please don't let it get to you. You are grieving because you've suffered a tremendous loss, the love of your life and it darn sure hurts. I don't want to sound negative (I think you've had enough of that) but you may be grieving for a long time yet to come and, to a certain extent, probably the rest of your life. I know I will be. That's why I want to figure out how to carry my grief with me as a navigate through the rest of my life. Again, I'm sorry that person said that to you. Right on! I couldn't have said it better myself. (thumbs up emoji) 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post MaryB Posted December 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 13, 2021 John9: Oh. My. Goodness. I'm so sorry that person said that to you. Grief is such a personal thing and to have someone tell you that THEY have decided it's time for you to move on is nonsense. Just plain nonsense. And, as horrible as it is to lose anyone, nothing prepares you for the death of a spouse. People who haven't been down this road maybe shouldn't be giving advice. 5 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted December 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 13, 2021 3 hours ago, John9 said: So, today on another forum I was basically told I have been grieving too long for my loving wife and I should be done by now. John, I am sorry that some - creature - told you this. Our grief is our own. No one has the right to tell us such things. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted December 13, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted December 13, 2021 17 hours ago, John9 said: So, today on another forum I was basically told I have been grieving too long for my loving wife and I should be done by now. This person said that she had lost her Mother and was over her death in a short time and I should too. I replied that unless and until you have experienced this you won't understand. I said I had many deaths in my life and there is no real comparison to this type. OMG, I would let her have it! Send me a link and I will! So many things I could say to that! And would if I saw it! She needs to learn... You answered her well. 14 hours ago, MaryB said: People who haven't been down this road maybe shouldn't be giving advice. Absolutely! And one of the cardinal sins to grievers is COMPARISONS! We can't compare! Not only is loss of parent different from loss of spouse, but so is all of our relationships and coping abilities, as I've said before, hell, even our family placement probably affects how we handle this! It takes what it takes, and there's a starting point to our grief, but it continues to evolve and has no "ending point" until our own death. There is merely learning to live with the changes it means to our lives. We don't "get over it." Hell, I'm not even over my dog and cats I've lost in the last five years! How do you get over someone you love and is irreplaceable! 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 13, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 13, 2021 I appreciate all of the support from all who commented, I know that I shouldn't care or listen to negative comments BUT I am still somewhat of a human being (I don't feel like it though) and words hurt. It hasn't been a good couple of days I have been crying endlessly and on top of that Wednesday is 1 year since we lost our female Chihuahua and it is all just hitting hard and crashing in on me again. I just hate this feeling of despair and pain. I am aware it is an ongoing process but it sure would help IF it at least seemed to move forward a little instead of always backwards. You know 1 step forward, 2 back. Thank you Again John 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted December 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 13, 2021 1 hour ago, John9 said: I appreciate all of the support from all who commented, I know that I shouldn't care or listen to negative comments BUT I am still somewhat of a human being (I don't feel like it though) and words hurt. Of course words hurt! That's why I am not in favor of the "they meant well, but were incredibly rude/hurtful/uncaring; I'll just let it go" school of thought. I don't yell at or insult people, but I have come to a point in my grief (and maybe getting stronger) where I can say that something did hurt or was rude and why. My feeling is that (1) I got it off my chest and (2) maybe, just maybe that person will think before speaking the next time. I ended up on this forum 6 months after John died because I was pissed off (no other way to say that) about people we knew, but not well, or people I had met after trying to compare my losing John to some other loss they had experienced. Like, "I know exactly how you feel. I lost my grandma/cousin/dad/dog/friend..." I've experienced all those losses and some of them were quite painful. Until John died (and boy, it took me nearly 2 years to be able to write that without breaking down), the most painful losses had been our precious dog Charlie and cat Penny. They were our soulmates-in-a-pet, no doubt about it. Actually, I wrote a little about how we ended up with Penny in my "Animals and Heaven" thread under pet loss. She wasn't the kitten we had chosen, but within 24 hours John had bonded with her so deeply that he was not letting her go. No manner of compensation for the "oops" would have compelled us to "trade" her back. She knew, somehow, that she was meant for him. The thing is that with those other losses, except for one friend before I met John, he was by my side. We grieved together; we leaned on and supported each other; we were a comfort to each other. How can we possibly think anything compares to losing the one person we cannot conceive of living without? How can we "quickly" muddle through knowing that the person we could turn to for comfort is the one who is missing? Heck, I don't even compare the losses of any member here. We're unique in our lives, relationships, ages, situations, etc. We all know at the deepest level how it feels and there are many things that seem nearly universal, but no, I don't know how anyone else feels. I know how I feel and I can try to relate to you and everyone else from my perspective. For sure tnd and Kay are right that grief has a beginning, but not an ending. Time and support (wherever we find it) and building our own strength helps us find ways to live with our pain. At around 2 years, I really started being able to bring all that was wonderful, loving, sweet, funny, and even day-to-day boring back into my mind and heart. Slowly, my grief stopped crushing me under its weight and I learned how to make it part, rather than all, of my world. I will miss John every day for the rest of my life. That is one of the few things I know with certainty. How could it be otherwise? He was my everything, my partner, best friend, lover, fellow adventurer (literally, one of his first gifts to me was a hat to wear on casual "let's go adventuring" days), confidante, and more. It's just that now I can smile and even laugh remembering 35 years of those adventures, both small ("Get your hat. Let's make a picnic and go adventuring today") to the magnificent (5 weeks exploring Denmark and Norway where I lived as an exchange student; plus of course, the adventure of marrying and being parents). At first, I could no longer feel or imagine any of that. I could only see and remember his last painful, devastating weeks and months. There is no timetable to grief. There are only small steps forward that we sometimes don't even realize we've taken until we "look back" and see it. I'm glad you set that person straight. TBH, I might not have been so...kind...about it 3 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 13, 2021 6 hours ago, KayC said: there's a starting point to our grief, but it continues to evolve and has no "ending point" until our own death. There is merely learning to live with the changes it means to our lives. We don't "get over it." KayC: I believe you are right. That's why I am working on figuring out how to carry my grief because I honestly do not think I will wake up one day and it will be gone. And I sure as heck can't let it pull me back so picking it up and taking it with me, I guess is the only real choice I have. I will always remember and be thinking of my husband and so I know with that, I will always feel the sadness, too. No matter how I look at it, the grief will be going with me as I continue on in life. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 14, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted December 14, 2021 John, I posted some articles for you in the loss of pet section about the coming deathaversary. (((hugs))) I was in fire evacuation during Arlie's deathaversary, it overwhelmed me. I was so worried fire would swallow up his grave. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted December 17, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 17, 2021 I survived Wednesday, but it was very difficult and I am sorry to say again that each day is harder than the one before. I told our son last night how much I hated doing things alone whenever my loving wife was unable for whatever reason and the fact that it is now my life. I had mentioned to my loving wife many times that I didn't like doing those things that now I have to do and I didn't know that the little issue I had would become such a dreaded part of this existence. It is another Friday and it should be our time, even though at this time of year she may have had to work today with Christmas being next week. Being a pet groomer this was a busy time because everyone wants their furbabies to be cute for the company that might visit. But after 32 years of doing it my loving wife was used to it, and one of the reasons her clients loved her. It is also another thing that hurts, not even a note from anyone that she worked with forever and I know they have moved on and I can't expect much from them when her own family doesn't care. I am just sad and venting and it hurts and the stories about flooding and tornadoes and a local story about a dog who woke the owner to a fire and then died in the fire just makes my sadness that much worse. I try not to watch much but I need to be aware of somethings but I turn it off very quick these days. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post steveb Posted December 17, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 17, 2021 On 12/13/2021 at 5:50 PM, foreverhis said: There is no timetable to grief. There are only small steps forward that we sometimes don't even realize we've taken until we "look back" and see it. Absolutely right on the money foreverhis. Thank you for sharing and writing such a thoughtful post. It’s been a little less than a year and a half since my beautiful wife passed. I’ve fallen down more than a few time during my grief journey, but when I think of her, I brush myself off, and press forward. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2021 7 hours ago, John9 said: I am just sad and venting and it hurts and the stories about flooding and tornadoes and a local story about a dog who woke the owner to a fire and then died in the fire just makes my sadness that much worse. I try not to watch much John9: I try not to watch much news either. And here I am, living in a house with supposed Christians and not one of them has mentioned the victims of the tornadoes and floods. Nobody is praying. Well, I prayed for them and then I prayed for people who are wicked to get right. They perhaps need more help than anybody. Meanwhile, I just sort of scan the news to stay informed but it's depressing. And I swear, you can go without reading the news for quite some time and then go back to it and find that politicians are still arguing over the same darn thing. That's depressing too. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 The man who honors his late wife by feeding raccoons (as she did and as he promised to) has been doing it for I think 20 years now. Well, he's as happy as can be, no plans to remarry. He leads a full life, keeps very busy. And... he now has 2.2 thousand fans watching his youtubes. He even has his own website and someone wrote a book about him. I think his wife would be very proud. His youtubes are not exactly exciting but that's the beauty of it. He just sits and talks about his day while feeding the raccoons and that's what everyone tunes in for. Normalcy. People all over the world long for normalcy. His videos are often very funny. I haven't since being here at this house but once I get my own place I plan to watch him again every nite. It helped me sleep. I never read or watch the news before bed. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 18, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 18 minutes ago, tnd said: I never read or watch the news before bed. tnd, My loving wife and I didn't watch the news at bedtime unless it was because of a weather situation and the last few weeks would have freaked her out and made it so she would probably not sleep well. I would go to bed with her because she had to get up early for work and I would watch some relaxing shows or things she didn't care to watch and then I would set the sleep timer and put on a music channel and fall asleep. Now I can't maintain that routine I stay up as late as I can before going into the sad lonely bedroom all alone and as soon as my head hits the pillow I am crying. I still dread the mornings waking all alone and can't stay in bed if I am awake because it is too sad. The bedroom only serves as a reminder of what I don't have and I don't need that reminder since I live it everyday, even if it isn't truly living. I am glad that the gentleman has managed to live his purpose or fulfill his wife's wishes. Whatever works for someone to get them in a better or different place than the dark pit I am in. I do try but I am dragged back all the time and it isn't what I want it just happens. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 3 minutes ago, John9 said: Whatever works for someone to get them in a better or different place than the dark pit I am in. I do try but I am dragged back all the time and it isn't what I want it just happens. John9: Every day I fight the urge to fall apart. Sometimes I still ask myself if this is just a bad dream. I'm afraid that the moment when I am alone for the first time at my new place I am going to fall apart. Grief almost feels like a disease, a sickness. I try to find inspiration to keep going. Today I thought back to a young woman who had Cystic Fibrosis. Her name was Claire Wineland. She knew she was dying but she'd make these hilarious videos offering advice to other sick people. She lived life as fully as she could. While I do feel sad that she died (from a blood clot after getting a double lung transplant), her videos continue to offer me strength. Not because I am fighting an illness but because I want to surround myself with all the inspiration (and even a few laughs) that I can. I am so sorry you are in such pain. Wish I could tell you when it might ease up but I can't. I'm still in a lot of pain myself only I maybe deal with it differently. I try to find little distractions and once I am in my new place, I know I will keep plenty busy there. I'm sure I will still miss my husband, especially in the mornings and bedtime but I will try not to dread it. I just want to busy myself and enjoy something each day, no matter how big or small it is. Just something. 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted December 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 On 12/11/2021 at 10:02 PM, Gail 8588 said: But for that brief period, it was as if no time had passed since we last met up to go grab lunch together. Oh Gail it's happened to me too! A man who looked like him... I was breathless, i was feeling that sense of relief that i always felt with him by my side...all seemed possible, my happy life will keep going on... I cried a lot after...! It's how intense is my desire to see him again... 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 18, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 15 hours ago, tnd said: Meanwhile, I just sort of scan the news to stay informed but it's depressing. And I swear, you can go without reading the news for quite some time and then go back to it and find that politicians are still arguing over the same darn thing. That's depressing too. For sure. You can tell what they're talking about without honing in on it...I fast forward through all of the repetitive depressing stuff. I only read/listen to enough to keep up on what I need to know. It's too much. 14 hours ago, tnd said: The man who honors his late wife by feeding raccoons (as she did and as he promised to) has been doing it for I think 20 years now. Well, he's as happy as can be, no plans to remarry. He leads a full life, keeps very busy. And... he now has 2.2 thousand fans watching his youtubes. He even has his own website and someone wrote a book about him. I think his wife would be very proud. His youtubes are not exactly exciting but that's the beauty of it. He just sits and talks about his day while feeding the raccoons and that's what everyone tunes in for. Normalcy. People all over the world long for normalcy. His videos are often very funny. I haven't since being here at this house but once I get my own place I plan to watch him again every nite. It helped me sleep. I never read or watch the news before bed. I haven't heard of this! When you do see it again, post the link here, okay? I'd like to watch it! 13 hours ago, tnd said: Today I thought back to a young woman who had Cystic Fibrosis. Her name was Claire Wineland. She knew she was dying but she'd make these hilarious videos offering advice to other sick people. She lived life as fully as she could. She sounds like an amazing young woman! 4 hours ago, Roxeanne said: Oh Gail it's happened to me too! A man who looked like him... Me too, it was a long time ago, someone whose back of their head/neck looked just like him. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 18, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 Another rainy/snowy dreary Saturday, been crying all morning because....I had another bad night woke up too many times in too much pain and then too many thoughts to fall asleep. And then when I have to get up to use the bathroom, I am too awake to go back to bed because then the cats wake up and talk and are too active for me to sleep. Then the day starts again. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Michael M Posted December 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 2 hours ago, John9 said: Another rainy/snowy dreary Saturday, been crying all morning because....I had another bad night woke up too many times in too much pain and then too many thoughts to fall asleep. And then when I have to get up to use the bathroom, I am too awake to go back to bed because then the cats wake up and talk and are too active for me to sleep. Then the day starts again. I probably woke up a dozen times last night. Hard to get a restful sleep. Then when I did get up apparently something is pinching in my neck and making me dizzy. Spent the day so far on the couch using ice packs to reduce the inflammation in my neck. Was supposed to lay a wreath on my wife's grave today and put up the Christmas tree. Guess I will have to adapt. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 18, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 3 minutes ago, Michael M said: I probably woke up a dozen times last night. Hard to get a restful sleep. Then when I did get up apparently something is pinching in my neck and making me dizzy. Spent the day so far on the couch using ice packs to reduce the inflammation in my neck. Was supposed to lay a wreath on my wife's grave today and put up the Christmas tree. Guess I will have to adapt. Michael M, I am sorry you are having that issue, I had an issue with herniated discs in my neck/back many years ago and if it happens again I don't know what I will do. My loving wife nursed me back to health and was there when I needed her help and I dread this so called life now. I am sorry that you were unable to lay a wreath for your wife. I am sure you will when and if you can. Adaptation is about all we can do right now, taking all of this one day at a time is what we do. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 21, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 21, 2021 So I thought I was finally getting some good news about my friends estate and the Lawyer said to come and pick up a check for the Florida Probate. Ha. I go and there is a check and I ask if it is my money because the check is in my name and not the Estate, Nope and because of that there are now many more steps I have to go through and many more hoops to jump through. And of course it is the Holidays in case anyone isn't aware and the Offices are starting to close early to enjoy the time off. So really not much will happen until after the New Year starts and we know that after the Holidays nobody wants to jump back into anything. So 1 step forward and you can guess the rest. Sorry but I hate this and it just keeps going and going all while trying to process everything else and not let my head explode like it wants to. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 21, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 21, 2021 2 hours ago, John9 said: Sorry but I hate this and it just keeps going and going all while trying to process everything else and not let my head explode like it wants to. John9: Sorry they screwed things up. There is a severe lack of competency in the world today and nobody cares. There is no pride in one's work anymore. I don't know why that is but it sure hasn't done you any good. Wish I could snap my fingers and it would be all fixed for you. This might be a good time to pig out indulge in a favorite food. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 21, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 21, 2021 10 minutes ago, tnd said: John9: Sorry they screwed things up. There is a severe lack of competency in the world today and nobody cares. There is no pride in one's work anymore. I don't know why that is but it sure hasn't done you any good. Wish I could snap my fingers and it would be all fixed for you. This might be a good time to pig out indulge in a favorite food. tnd, Yes this is typical isn't it. As far as food I ate what our son had cooked the other night that I didn't eat because I wasn't feeling well. It was pretty good, the favorite food may take quite a while to get back to. I know I have said it too many times but food was "important" to us and I wasn't the chef so......I appreciate that you would fix this mess for me as I would for you or anyone but alas that isn't how it works is it. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 21, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 21, 2021 15 minutes ago, John9 said: I know I have said it too many times but food was "important" to us and I wasn't the chef so.... John9: I miss having meals with my other half, too. That's what made it so enjoyable. Now I just chew and swallow and call it good. I've started sharing some of my food with my cats but for the most part, they don't like human food and they are not much up on conversation, either. There is no dining table in this house. I don't know why that is, but everything is on the strange side here. Anyways, maybe you can avoid having to figure out what to cook and go to a drive-thru. You'd still have to eat alone and I don't know what we are to do about that but you need to eat. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted December 22, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted December 22, 2021 47 minutes ago, tnd said: John9: I miss having meals with my other half, too. That's what made it so enjoyable. Now I just chew and swallow and call it good. I've started sharing some of my food with my cats but for the most part, they don't like human food and they are not much up on conversation, either. There is no dining table in this house. I don't know why that is, but everything is on the strange side here. Anyways, maybe you can avoid having to figure out what to cook and go to a drive-thru. You'd still have to eat alone and I don't know what we are to do about that but you need to eat. tnd, Funny thing, my loving wife and I moved the dining room table out of the dining room because we never ate in there. We turned it into an area where I could watch TV for the shows and movies her and MIL didn't like. We had company mostly in the summer and ate on the deck at the outdoor table. I can't say why the family you live with don't have one but there may be a reason. We really didn't eat from a drive-thru because the food wasn't healthy and how did that work for us. I will figure something out at some point but for now food is as you describe it. I open my mouth insert chew swallow and put the plate away to be washed. These are the only cats we have ever had that are not food driven, we used to have all kinds of issues. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 22, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted December 22, 2021 I took my friend out to lunch in this one horse town and the restaurants were all closed yesterday except a couple of fast food places and a Mexican place. So we go to the Mexican one...the front door is locked but it's supposed to be open, so we bang on the door and he tells us his help isn't there yet and goes back to his kitchen. We sit down and wait. Pretty soon a teenage girl comes, she obviously doesn't know anything and has to keep going back to him to ask him anything we want to know, comes back with no-can-do. I am allergic to hot peppers, can't have tortilla shells, rice, beans, so argue with her and say, "Can't you just fix something with meat & vegetables, no hot sauce/rice/beans/shells? They brought our food, tiniest portions I've ever seen and greatly over-priced. Not going back. Took two hours for all this! Needless to say, I don't much care what I eat, so long as it's healthy. My blood sugar was 89 this morning! That's better than it's been in two years of doing this, it must be working. Christmas I'll be so busy shoveling snow, I may eat chia seed cereal, doesn't much matter, it's filling. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted December 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 22, 2021 21 hours ago, John9 said: Funny thing, my loving wife and I moved the dining room table out of the dining room because we never ate in there. We turned it into an area where I could watch TV for the shows and movies her and MIL didn't like. John9: That makes sense and was a good idea. What did you use to eat on? TV trays? I was thinking of a TV tray but at my new place, I'd really like to separate the purpose of each area. I'm sure the apartment will be small so want to define each space to avoid feeling cramped. I will be spending a lot of time indoors so want to make the most of it and create "a home". I don't know why but as for myself, I've got to have a table. Nothing big or fancy but a table. If my new place comes with a breakfast bar, I can set up my laptop on there and get a nice barstool (done that before) but I still want a table to eat at. But also, if I should be sloppy and make a mess it won't fall off onto the floor but on the table around my plate and will make for easy cleanup. lol Who knew that one day the simple act of bending over and down wouldn't be so simple... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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