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Realization


John9

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KayC,

Thank you again, I definitely understand what you mean about the difference between cats (aloof) and dogs (true love and devotion). It really did take both my loving wife and I to manage the care for our dogs between letting them in/out and watching them and such and I'm not kidding that my brain is scattered and before our last Chihuahua was euthanized with the nasal tumor bleeding I let him out sometimes and "forgot" him and there are too many risks here for that to happen now and the weather is cold again and I would really hate for anything bad to happen it would just kill me. I am just under too much pressure and trying to just get through this right now.

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10 hours ago, tnd said:

Who knew that a stupid can of starch could invoke so many tears! 

tnd,

I totally understand and for me it is that way with so many things. I might make it through the morning looking at "something" and then the afternoon or evening the same thing will make me cry. My loving wife's cats don't really care if I cry, however when I lose it and "scream" then they come running to see what is wrong. I know I am further along in time than you are but I don't think I am processing this as well as you or others are and have, that is me saying how I feel. I keep saying that each day is worse or harder than the one before and it isn't that I wake up saying it will be it just IS. I am trying and as we have said that is what we have to do keep trying but it doesn't seem to be any better for me. I know it hasn't been the amount of time others have said it took them to find their way through but this endless pain is so so hard.

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10 hours ago, steveb said:

Those are my terms too tnd.  It never helps to stifle such overwhelming emotion. You just need to let it wash over you. 

steveb,

I have been "lucky" in the sense that I haven't cared about the reaction of anyone, if I am crying it is because I am missing my loving wife and I need to cry. I don't know if I will ever NOT cry. I am not trying to control my emotions because I feel that since I can't control anything else why should I hold them in.

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John9,

Not letting your overwhelming emotions surface so you can deal with them head-on is only giving them permission to hunt you down eventually.  I learned that early in this journey and that has become my philosophy...face what needs to be faced and don't run away.  And those feelings surface at the most unpredictable times.  I guess that's part of grieving.  It's exhausting!

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13 hours ago, tnd said:

For instance, I looked at a can of spray starch yesterday and started crying. I use to take a lot of pride in pressing my husband's shirts for him.

Oh man, I understand that!  A year after my husband died I had to take my car dealership's shuttle back to work, the van was full and she's driving people to work and it hit me, my husband rode this same van a year before!  I started bawling.  Everyone must have wondered what the hell was wrong with me!  All of a sudden the van got real quiet, but I couldn't talk so couldn't explain.  I also remember being in a grocery store and running across something he loved and knowing I'd never be able to buy/make it for him again, and I lost it.  People wonder what's the matter with us!  I think if I saw someone in a store bawling, I'd know, some kind of grief...if not for Covid (damn I hate what it's done to us) I'd reach out and ask if they wanted a hug.

2 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't think I am processing this as well as you or others are and have

And that's okay, I learned not to compare, there's many factors for that, and it's often most of us feeling that way because we think others have it together but only see the part they show us.  I've learned to say, "It takes what it takes."

1 hour ago, MaryB said:

I guess that's part of grieving.  It's exhausting!

For sure!

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I am at about 18 months.  Started doing better and WHAM, more death and more grief.  During my friends husbands sickness she was messaging and saying she can't do this, and it was bringing back a lot of stuff.  Stuff I thought I'd gotten past. Maybe not yet.  He passed last week, and when I spoke to her over the weekend, you guessed it, niagara falls!!!  I fell apart for a few hours. Couldn't finish what I was doing and went to bed at some ungodly early hour and stayed there until morning.  No one there to tell me to do anything different!  I'm going to try and do this funeral alone.  My daughter offered to go with, but if there's ever a time I'm  going to find the strength to do something on my own, it's now.   In the 1st year, I was lost, angry, and put on medication.  I hope John can find a little peace soon.

Just want to say, I don't think grief is ever over, some learn to carry it around, and there's always going to be more.  Have had much death around me and it sucks!  Last year I had to write flower costs into my monthly budget expenses, that's how many were going out.  That's my realization. 

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9 minutes ago, DMB said:

Just want to say, I don't think grief is ever over, some learn to carry it around, and there's always going to be more.

I so agree with this statement.  I don't think you ever stop grieving either.  I'm in my third year of dealing with losing my husband after a long illness and the grief is still triggered by the most ordinary things.  It's one step forward and five steps back for me.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the best I can.

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49 minutes ago, DMB said:

and it was bringing back a lot of stuff.  Stuff I thought I'd gotten past.

For me it is the guilt. I thought I was past that but now it is back again. Guilt that I couldn't save him. Guilt that he was left so alone because of covid rules. Guilt for every memory of a time I could have given more............

I finally got a letter from the state health inspector. A year it has taken them. They will not be taking my complaint further. Its what I was expecting but still it hurts. You aren't supposed to die from a broken bone! Apparently there is a list of specific things the doctor has to have done or failed to do to make her culpable. Terrorising the patient is not on the list. How can that be? No two cases are the same.

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10 hours ago, John9 said:

I know I am further along in time than you are but I don't think I am processing this as well as you or others are and have, that is me saying how I feel.

John9:  No two people are alike. I'll be blunt here; I don't think you should be comparing yourself and your grief to others and how well or not-so-well that they are doing. Just because it may seem someone is doing well now doesn't mean they won't be grieving longer than others. I have my good days and my bad and then there are the "really bad" days. Please try to focus on yourself and what you need to do. I pace myself. Not just because I have Sarcoidosis but to keep it together. Oh, don't get me wrong, I cry if I have the urge to but with each little chore I can complete during the day, I rest a little better at night knowing I did something. SOMETHING! And I try to reserve bedtime for prayer and if I need to, for crying. And heck, if I'm watching a movie and suddenly tears come, I let them fall. And during that moment, it is just me, the Lord and my husband. Peace. And then I do it all again the next day. So get it out and don't worry so much about whether you are doing well or not. Grief is painful. And it's a process.   

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

I also remember being in a grocery store and running across something he loved and knowing I'd never be able to buy/make it for him again, and I lost it.

KayC:  Okay, so I'm going to pry here a little. Why haven't you bought/cooked the item your husband liked? Is it something you should not eat or because of your grief? I was thinking of some of the renal dishes I cooked for my husband. He was diabetic and on dialysis so had to watch what he ate. I liked the renal recipes I used and am thinking of making them again. Sure, I'm going to make his favorite but I did honestly like it too. Just hope my body cooperates. I've missed cooking so hope to get back to it when I get my own place. 

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7 hours ago, LMR said:

I'm not sure if I should be here. I just want to go home but there is no home to go to.

LMR:  I feel the same way. I know I depress people but they do somewhat understand that I am grieving. And since I "have no home to go home to" yet, I just retreat to my little room for now. It's been hard. Here we are, grieving but worried what others think and we cannot even have the sanctity of our own home right now. That is a lot for us to be dealing with! But, when I retreat to my little room then it is just me and suddenly it's as if I am in my own little world. Until I get my own apartment, it's all I can do for now. But it helps. I know it's hard not to but try not to worry about what others think and if you are depressing them. If they haven't said so then that probably means they are trying to be understanding. So be kind to yourself. 

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5 hours ago, MaryB said:

My husband and I were married two days short of 45 years and I'm so blessed to have had him that long.  It truly is a one-in-a-lifetime love.  Also grateful that I was able to take care of him at home during his illness.  I wouldn't trade that time for anything.  God, I miss him!

MaryB,

My loving wife and I were married just over 34 years and she was my FIRST and only love in every way. I was a caregiver for my friend for 12 years when he died and "we" cared for MIL until my loving wife died and then it was me alone, BUT I never got to care for my loving wife because she died suddenly and unexpectedly. I miss her more each day.

3 hours ago, DMB said:

Just want to say, I don't think grief is ever over, some learn to carry it around, and there's always going to be more.  Have had much death around me and it sucks!

DMB,

I understand this too much, 4 deaths in 9 months including my loving wife. Last 2 years "we" lost 4 of our pets too and we were having a hard time with that.

2 hours ago, LMR said:

For me it is the guilt. I thought I was past that but now it is back again. Guilt that I couldn't save him.

LMR,

I am having the same feelings still and again also. My guilt is that I wasn't there with my loving wife when she needed me the most but was with MIL instead.

3 hours ago, MaryB said:

It's one step forward and five steps back for me.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the best I can.

MaryB,

I have been fighting that too maybe not as many backwards as you but not moving forward.

43 minutes ago, tnd said:

No two people are alike. I'll be blunt here; I don't think you should be comparing yourself and your grief to others and how well or not-so-well that they are doing. Just because it may seem someone is doing well now doesn't mean they won't be grieving longer than others. I have my good days and my bad and then there are the "really bad" days. Please try to focus on yourself and what you need to do. I pace myself.

tnd,

I am not really comparing in that context just saying I don't feel like I am making any headway or "progress" in any way. I understand the "days" most of mine I have to qualify as barely tolerable, tolerable and total crap.

 

 

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I had made a comment before about my loving wife and I being together for over half of our lives, today the random thought hit me that in reality it was almost two-thirds of her life because she was 8 years younger than I was. These are the thoughts that are killing me and dragging me down. I isn't that we were just a married couple, we were a married couple who "forgot" when the other one wasn't part of our life and now without my loving wife it just isn't right. I am completely and totally lost without my loving wife and it doesn't make "sense" because I was the one who took care of just about everything which if I had died would have been a problem but she didn't want to do it. But my point is I know how to do everything but the thing that is now missing is the desire to do it because my loving wife was the only reason I did  anything and the person I did it for. Just venting and whining again thank you for reading.

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19 hours ago, DMB said:

My daughter offered to go with, but if there's ever a time I'm  going to find the strength to do something on my own, it's now.

I'm not sure a funeral is something I would first try to do alone, I tackled church first, then a restaurant, and one of the hardest was getting groceries, we were a team and always went together, not only that but he loved getting groceries (he was built like a wrestler) and as it was 100 mile round trip, it was an event for us.  :(  The hospital took me a LONG time to go to and I couldn't shut off the tears valve.  Funerals were very hard too, I made it through for my friends' sakes, but oh God I didn't want to be there.  You're brave, I wish you the best.  Know you are in our thoughts as you go...

18 hours ago, LMR said:

For me it is the guilt. I thought I was past that but now it is back again. Guilt that I couldn't save him. Guilt that he was left so alone because of covid rules. Guilt for every memory of a time I could have given more............

I finally got a letter from the state health inspector. A year it has taken them. They will not be taking my complaint further. Its what I was expecting but still it hurts. You aren't supposed to die from a broken bone! Apparently there is a list of specific things the doctor has to have done or failed to do to make her culpable. Terrorising the patient is not on the list. How can that be? No two cases are the same.

Wow, no a person shouldn't end up dying from that.  God it angers me they aren't doing anything about this!  I suppose it takes THEIR spouse dying before anything changes?  :angry:
 

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death

Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

16 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't think you should be comparing yourself and your grief to others and how well or not-so-well that they are doing

Exactly.  Everyone's relationship is unique, everyone copes differently, I've said it before and I'll say it again, "Hell, I think even our FAMILY PLACEMENT" affects it!  Besides, does it matter how long we take to process this or how we handle it?  In the grand scheme of things, it takes what it takes and it looks like what it looks like.  You're still alive, breathing, I assume eating/drinking something, and getting dressed, paying your bills...hey, that's enough!

 

Quote

 

On 11/30/2021 at 8:10 AM, KayC said:

I also remember being in a grocery store and running across something he loved and knowing I'd never be able to buy/make it for him again, and I lost it.

KayC:  Okay, so I'm going to pry here a little. Why haven't you bought/cooked the item your husband liked?

 

I didn't say I haven't bought cooked the items he liked, I said, I would never be able to make it for HIM again!  Actually, my daughter and I did eat the cornish game hens I'd bought for him, it felt weird to eat them in his honor, but that's what we did.  I haven't bought them since...I think it lost some of it's lustre because my big guy wasn't here to appreciate it.  ;)  But aside from all that, I've had to learn to cook all over again for my health, I eat VERY low carb now.  And having no one else to cook for, I can't cook in the large amounts I did when he was here, and no kids popping in and out.

19 hours ago, DMB said:

I don't think grief is ever over, some learn to carry it around, and there's always going to be more. 

It isn't over.  It has a beginning but not an end.  But it does evolve in time, it changes form, and we learn to carry it, it's become a part of me and who I am now.

 

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38 minutes ago, KayC said:

God it angers me they aren't doing anything about this!  I suppose it takes THEIR spouse dying before anything changes?  :angry:
 

KayC,

Sadly this is what I have said just about "forever" and about everything in regards to too many things. People who make decisions or excuses don't understand because it doesn't affect them, but if it did then all kinds of hell would break loose. I received a "reminder" bill today for MIL and I called them to say I have spoken to them before and was told yes there is a note BUT someone didn't do their job and forward it to the correct department so I could address it. I call and the other department has no record and they tell me to wait and I keep receiving more bills each one more threatening than the one before because someone didn't do what they are supposed. I know it isn't the same as the issue LMR was talking about but when anyone doesn't do what they are supposed to then the system falls apart. I myself feel my loving wife died because her Doctor wasn't listening and waited too long but I can't prove it or do anything about it but grieve her death and it hurts. Can't bring her back and IF there was any money because of it nothing would change she would still be gone and I will still be alone.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I didn't say I haven't bought cooked the items he liked, I said, I would never be able to make it for HIM again!  Actually, my daughter and I did eat the cornish game hens I'd bought for him, it felt weird to eat them in his honor, but that's what we did.  I haven't bought them since...I think it lost some of it's lustre because my big guy wasn't here to appreciate it.  ;)  But aside from all that, I've had to learn to cook all over again for my health, I eat VERY low carb now.  And having no one else to cook for, I can't cook in the large amounts I did when he was here, and no kids popping in and out.

KayC:  Thanks for answering my question. I am glad that you are eating for your health. George would probably be proud of what you've accomplished with your health and taking care of yourself. 

On a separate note, my husband never complained about my cooking. He always thanked and praised me for it. That right there made it all worth it -that I was able to cook him meals that he was allowed to eat and that were enjoyable to him. I'm sure the first time I cook one of those meals again I will cry looking across the table at his place but, I will also be eating it for my health. A lot, if not most renal recipes are no-to-low sodium. Ha..speaking of tables, I forgot, I don't have one anymore. But I'm sure I can get one cheap when the time comes. 

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18 hours ago, John9 said:

she was 8 years younger than I was. These are the thoughts that are killing me and dragging me down. I isn't that we were just a married couple, we were a married couple who "forgot" when the other one wasn't part of our life

John9:  I think that's how people know when they've got the "right one"; they forget when they weren't a part of each other's life. My husband was 5 years older than I. Sort of figured that when we first met but since I wasn't thinking of dating, the age difference didn't cross my mind. And once we started talking it was pretty clear that we had a lot in common, including our view on life. From there, that's all that mattered. I'm not giving myself any credit but we hit the jackpot meeting each other. I described it as "two peas in a pod". 

Like you, I don't know how I am to move forward without my better half. Still feels like a bad nitemare. I wake up every morning and ask myself that. I am trudging along here but it is not the same. There's an emptiness and a sort of stillness in me. I don't like it and know it will always be with me, this grief. Hopefully once I get my own place I will carry thru with some ideas to keep busy and honor my husband. Like I said, I want to be his hero.   

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On 11/29/2021 at 10:02 PM, tnd said:

Who knew that a stupid can of starch could invoke so many tears! 

I spent most of the days Sunday and Monday, and part of Tuesday morning working on a gift for my grandkids for Christmas.  I put together small photo albums, one for each of them.  On the cover is a picture of my sweet husband, their grandfather.  Inside are pictures of him...and each book is specific to each grandchild, with pictures of the two of them together.  When I started the project, I thought I wouldn't be able to handle the emotions of seeing all of the pictures.  But it was very comforting to me for some reason.  I made it through 4 trips to Walgreen's to pick up prints I ordered from my phone, and was even smiling as I put them together.  But then...

I made a quick trip to the grocery store, and stopped for gas on the way home.  When I got in the car at the gas station, the song, "Let It Snow!" was on the radio.  I burst into tears, and was sobbing so hard, that I couldn't drive!  I had to wait until the moment passed....which took a few minutes.  I have no idea why that song made me cry.  It wasn't special to us.  But for some reason, it triggered something!

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14 minutes ago, cmp34 said:

I have no idea why that song made me cry.  It wasn't special to us.  But for some reason, it triggered something!

cmp34,

I think I understand but in a different way, My loving wife and I never had a real song that was ours but I have always listened to music and especially since she died I can "hear" things in the songs that trigger me memories or whatever you want to call it. I could hear a song 99 times and nothing but that 100th time I will bawl my eyes out. The emotions I am experiencing right now are so raw and nothing makes sense. I know I don't want to hear Christmas music right now and I always loved to listen to the local radio station when they switched for the season and my loving wife said it was too much and too long but I liked it, and now it brings out more emotions and I can't handle them. I am not saying this is what happened to you but I feel that might not be the only time something random triggers you but that's okay we have to figure out what works for us to try to keep going.

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11 minutes ago, John9 said:

cmp34,

I think I understand but in a different way, My loving wife and I never had a real song that was ours but I have always listened to music and especially since she died I can "hear" things in the songs that trigger me memories or whatever you want to call it. I could hear a song 99 times and nothing but that 100th time I will bawl my eyes out. The emotions I am experiencing right now are so raw and nothing makes sense. I know I don't want to hear Christmas music right now and I always loved to listen to the local radio station when they switched for the season and my loving wife said it was too much and too long but I liked it, and now it brings out more emotions and I can't handle them. I am not saying this is what happened to you but I feel that might not be the only time something random triggers you but that's okay we have to figure out what works for us to try to keep going.

Thanks John.  I understand what you're saying.  These triggers are going to come out of nowhere, and we're not going to be ready for them.  I've always been an emotional person, so crying isn't unusual for me.  (For example, when my grandson chose a college 3 hours away, I cried for days!)  But when it comes on suddenly, out of the blue, I have a hard time handling it.  Then again, it's only been a little less than 8 weeks...although it seems like forever!

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1 minute ago, cmp34 said:

Then again, it's only been a little less than 8 weeks...although it seems like forever!

cmp34,

I am sorry that you lost your husband and yes it is very recent but boy do I understand that comment, my loving wife and I were married for 34 years and it seems like a minute, she died 263 days ago and it seems like 263 "years" the time is not my friend right now and I am sorry each day for me seems so much worse because there are so many events and triggers and everything else but that is why I come here to vent and cry and listen and if possible at least try to help if I can (not sure if I do).

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1 minute ago, John9 said:

 but that is why I come here to vent and cry and listen and if possible at least try to help if I can (not sure if I do).

You do help!  Just knowing that other people are going through this is a big help!  Trying to explain the feelings and emotions we're going through to someone who hasn't experienced this is useless. 

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cmp34,

Music is so powerful, isn't it?  During the first few months after my husband died, just about every time I went to Walgreens, the song "Everlasting Love" would start to play on their sound system.  And every time it almost knocked me to my knees.  I would have to go to the back of the store to compose myself.  Triggers, they come out of nowhere.

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2 hours ago, cmp34 said:

I have no idea why that song made me cry.  It wasn't special to us.  But for somecmp34: reason, it triggered something!

cmp34:  I imagine anything joyous and playful will remind us of our loved ones. Especially during holiday season. I know that I won't be able to watch some of the Christmas movies this year. Too painful. Just can't go there yet. 

It was really great of you to have made those Christmas albums for your grandkids. That is a gift from the heart. I'm sure they will appreciate the albums for years to come and maybe show their own children one day and who their great-grandfather was. I don't have any pictures of my grandparents and wish I did. 

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4 hours ago, cmp34 said:

. . . These triggers are going to come out of nowhere, and we're not going to be ready for them.  

Cmp34, 

I described these events as trap doors.  I'd be going about my zombie existence doing what had to be done, and then all of a sudden I'd fall through a trap door and free fall down in despair. 

Grief is such a strange universe to live in. There are the anticipated sad days, birthdays, holidays, diagnosis anniversary, hospital stay anniversaries, angel date, funeral, etc. Worrying about how bad those days are going to be is almost as bad as enduring the actual dates. 

But the trap doors are somehow more unnerving, because there is no way to prepare yourself. They make you lose confidence in your own mental health, and/or  the structural integrity of the world around you.  Maybe that's just me. There were times I really felt I was losing my mind. 

Gail 

 

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20 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

But even if we could, that place is not "home" without our loves there. Many folks here, who still occupy their former home, can testify to that. 

Gail 8588,

I can definitely attest to this statement. I live in a house that without my loving wife is not a home. We made it a home together and there is just too big of a piece missing now that she is gone. But I keep trying to keep going.

2 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I described these events as trap doors.  I'd be going about my zombie existence doing what had to be done, and then all of a sudden I'd fall through a trap door and free fall down in despair. 

Grief is such a strange universe to live in. There are the anticipated sad days, birthdays, holidays, diagnosis anniversary, hospital stay anniversaries, angel date, funeral, etc. Worrying about how bad those days are going to be is almost as bad as enduring the actual dates. 

But the trap doors are somehow more unnerving, because there is no way to prepare yourself. They make you lose confidence in your own mental health, and/or  the structural integrity of the world around you.  Maybe that's just me. There were times I really felt I was losing my mind. 

Gail 

Gail 8588,

I don't think it is just you, I feel the same way.

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3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But even if we could, that place is not "home" without our loves there. Many folks here, who still occupy their former home, can testify to that. 

(Raises hand)  Indeed we can.  The first time I tried to explain to our daughter how it felt to be alone here, I said exactly that, that our once warm home now seemed like just a house.  It's different now, I suppose I could say "better," but it's still hard to see all the things he/we made and feel the memories of so many years.

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I can also say for me it is a love/hate feeling of living in my “home”.  This is the very place he died and the memory is traumatic.  I hate that it is a constant battle with all the happy memories we made together in our home.

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It felt like a double edged sword turned on me (living in our home) when he was gone, everywhere reminders of him, accentuating his absence.  In time this place IS home to me and my puppy, but I do get tired of being so alone in this.  16 1/2 years alone is no joke.  I try to describe it to my sisters but unless you've been through it, your most vivid imagination can't begin to conjure up what it is like.

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17 minutes ago, KayC said:

I try to describe it to my sisters but unless you've been through it, your most vivid imagination can't begin to conjure up what it is like.

KayC,

I am more aware of this statement now more than ever, I was one of the people who was not aware of the pain those around went through losing someone close to them. Sadly at the time also the people were not able to say that they needed help because most were "old school" and you didn't talk about grieving so nobody knew how to help and as I said I was "guilty" too. I think maybe this is why now I am very vocal about the pain I am in, I need help am I am not too proud to let anyone know this sucks. I hate that any of us or any others have or will have to suffer through this but it is a part of life. I don't like the loneliness and it is nowhere as long as it is for you. I am glad you have been able to find some way to deal with all of the challenges you have and you don't need me to "pat" you on the back but I will. I hate that you are in the physical pain you are in and alone too. I know that my pains are the same really as they have been for years BUT without my loving wife it seems so much worse. I think I read something once about a study and pain and loneliness. We already know stresses are a whole different issue and that is not helpful. Sorry rambling again.

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Someone on my other grief site has lost all her relatives except a distant cousin.  When she entered her 60s she started getting back pain.  She's all alone.  When it got bad enough, she had back surgery, having to farm out her dog to someone as she couldn't take care of her.  She got home from rehab and still can't manage.  Her whole life revolves around doctors, medical, she can't drive, can't get groceries.  A friend has been an angel to her, bringing her food, and brightening her day a bit.  They're saying the back surgery did not work.  I worry about her having to go through any more, all alone.  At least I'm able to function someone, albeit in pain.  Her and I together might make a whole person...my back is good, not my feet, knees, hands!  

Pain seems to have intensified her grief...all of the strides she made, gone.  It's been 6 1/2 years since she lost her husband.  Not a day goes by but she wonders, where is he!  She was there for him with all he went through, now that it's her turn, she's alone.  Such are the things we wonder.  I know George would be proud off me having made it these 16 1/2 years alone, it's been hard and it'll only get harder as I continue to age.  I wish I could hear him audibly tell me. ;)  I just found out snow is coming right before my dr/dental appts and my granddaughter's ballet performance.  I don't know how I'll travel in it, will have to wait and see as the days approach.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Someone on my other grief site has lost all her relatives except a distant cousin.  When she entered her 60s she started getting back pain.  She's all alone.  When it got bad enough, she had back surgery, having to farm out her dog to someone as she couldn't take care of her.  She got home from rehab and still can't manage.  Her whole life revolves around doctors, medical, she can't drive, can't get groceries.  A friend has been an angel to her, bringing her food, and brightening her day a bit.  They're saying the back surgery did not work.  I worry about her having to go through any more, all alone.  At least I'm able to function someone, albeit in pain.  Her and I together might make a whole person...my back is good, not my feet, knees, hands!  

Pain seems to have intensified her grief...all of the strides she made, gone.  It's been 6 1/2 years since she lost her husband.  Not a day goes by but she wonders, where is he!  She was there for him with all he went through, now that it's her turn, she's alone.  Such are the things we wonder.  I know George would be proud off me having made it these 16 1/2 years alone, it's been hard and it'll only get harder as I continue to age.  I wish I could hear him audibly tell me. ;)  I just found out snow is coming right before my dr/dental appts and my granddaughter's ballet performance.  I don't know how I'll travel in it, will have to wait and see as the days approach.

KayC,

I understand and can sympathize with that person and I am sorry she isn't able to have her dog with her. I didn't care for others hoping that one day "someone" would do the same for me but it would be nice to not have that fear. The pain of her medical issues is probably not only intensifying her grief but as we know it is now a vicious cycle the pain makes the grief worse and the grief makes the pain worse. I hope the weather is not bad so you can do the things that you need to and want to do. Hope you can see your Granddaughter perform.

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Thank you, they're predicting snow so we'll see the closer we get to it.  I'm hoping not much at this elevation (2,500 ft)

You are right, she was handling her grief better before the medical issues/pain, but now it's like it's all wrapped up together with the grief and more than she can handle.  She just learned the screws in her back are moving around because of loss of bone density.  Do they not check that before they do surgery?!  I don't know if she can handle another surgery.  She's at her limit.

I am totally alone too, it's scary.  I'm very glad our spouses didn't have to go through this.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I am totally alone too, it's scary.  I'm very glad our spouses didn't have to go through this.

KayC,

I agree and I say that is the "smallest sliver of a silver lining" as to what happened, there is no suffering for them just the ones left behind. I am not having a good morning right now I have been crying all morning and other than it being week 38 and a Saturday( Sadderday ) again there is no trigger this morning except as I have said I miss my loving wife more each day.

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

I am totally alone too, it's scary.  I'm very glad our spouses didn't have to go through this.

KayC:  It IS scary. Here I am, in a house full of people but still feel alone. But not as alone. I am darn glad my husband isn't going through what I am. Being diabetic and on dialysis and having lost his first wife to cancer he had already been put through the wars. I'm glad he has peace now. I thank God for that.  

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It could have been from a car accident or tree down, the electric company has little control over some things.  I know what you mean because ours is a bit unsteady in the winter, I was once out for over 8 days, and here that means no water (on a well, need the pump to run...electricity).  I'm glad it came back on, let yourself nap if you can...I cannot sleep in the daytime so make the coffee and hold my eyes open!

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On 12/6/2021 at 11:59 AM, Gail 8588 said:

Sleep deprivation makes everything in life harder. 

Gail 8588:  So many people don't get this. When a person hasn't gotten enough sleep they can't function as they normally would or should. Grief and my meds wreak havoc over my sleep time. And despite me explaining it to them, it seems no one takes that into consideration when talking with me or wanting me to do something, I'm sure people think I am lazy but anymore I don't care what others may think. I just don't. 

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

It could have been from a car accident or tree down, the electric company has little control over some things.

KayC,

I understand the car accident thing and actually maybe a year and a half ago a "drunk" took out a pole across the street in the middle of the night and caused a problem that took days to fix. I was just venting again and commenting that the weather at the time was very calm unlike the daytime yesterday when the gusts were over 45mph and not a flicker.:huh: I made it through the day until my "normal" bedtime.

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1 hour ago, tnd said:

And despite me explaining it to them, it seems no one takes that into consideration when talking with me or wanting me to do something, I'm sure people think I am lazy but anymore I don't care what others may think. I just don't. 

tnd,

I agree, I'm done I used to worry about everyone's feelings but nobody cares about me or mine so why should I care. I hate being that way but since it seems like they are okay with kicking me while I am down let them deal with it, not my problem.

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19 minutes ago, John9 said:

I hate being that way but since it seems like they are okay with kicking me while I am down let them deal with it, not my problem.

John9:  I hate being that way too. But I'm learning. I used to have a tough skin that I used for other reasons. Given recent circumstances tho, I realize having a tough skin is for survival. Every aspect of my life is being affected and depends on it. I used to think I was strong but no, compared to what I've been going through this year, I was just a weakling. But now I am getting strong. Well, a little stronger. Cried a lot last night so...

Maybe your power went out because everyone has their thermostats on high to keep warm. You want to talk about power grids? Remember, I'm in Texas...for some folks down here, last winter was an apocalypse. 

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