Realization

[John9]

tnd,

I understand your comment about losing the "treasures" in a terrible event like a hurricane, BUT I would give up all of the photos if that was all I lost and still had my loving wife. I know you understand what I am saying and to lose both your husband and the photos IS terrible and for that I am sorry but as long as you do have the memories and they bring "joy" that is good. I look at the pictures trying to find some of the special ones and haven't found the "ONE". I wanted to have a nice picture of us but as I said before there weren't many of us together and the one in my head I can't find to have printed. I may not even be remembering correctly because of grief brain and I may never have had the "missing" photo. It may just be another example of what I want and can't have and miss. The one is "used" as my avatar is too poor of quality to make into a larger one because I tried to do that way before my loving wife died because she liked that picture and when we had picked some to be hung on the walls we couldn't do that one. That was another of those sad things we were in the process of doing and then she died and putting them on the wall was a very sad thing to do because it was my loving wife's project and she had the "plan" on where they were supposed to be hung and how. I just placed them so I see them everyday as I enter and leave the bedroom. I do hope that all or at least some of your pictures did survive and you will have that and maybe hand=g some in your "new" place when the time comes.

[John9]

tnd,

Here is a picture of the male Chihuahua when he was young and we had our Rotten Shepard (Rottweiler German Shepard mix) Size never mattered to them.

[Gail 8588]

Adorable. 

[KayC]

Losing our animals can be a very hard in addition to losing our spouse, John I recognize your dog from your post in loss of pet section, beautiful.  I had to smile reading about your cats being vocal...Kitty (25) was VERY demanding and vocal!  Especially when she wanted her Easy Cheese! 

[tnd]

22 hours ago, John9 said:

I look at the pictures trying to find some of the special ones and haven't found the "ONE".

John9:  I know what you mean about "the one". I hope mine made the move but don't know yet. It will be upsetting if it didn't. I'd like to be able to have a picture to set on a table to have coffee with in the mornings. All I have with me right now is his drivers license and he looks mad in it. Of course, I don't think anyone looks that great on their drivers license. But this one especially does not look like his usual self and I don't think he'd want me looking at it every day. Of course, I could probably contact his parents for pictures, including "the one" I like. I think they had extras of it. Maybe someone in your wife's family would have the photo you are looking for.  

[John9]

2 minutes ago, tnd said:

Maybe someone in your wife's family would have the photo you are looking for. 

tnd,

Sadly whenever her family was together I was the one taking pictures which is one of the reasons "we" aren't together in many. I understand the comment about your husband looking angry and not wanting that to be the picture. However my loving wife and I had the running joke about "RBF" (resting B!TCH face) and we both had it and one of the pictures I have hanging in our bedroom of her looking down at me is from a Kenny Chesney concert from a few years ago and trust me she was happy but you wouldn't know it from her "normal" expression. It was something that did make her mad when people would tell her to smile and not be so angry and THAT would make her angry. Some people will just look angry and we are and were those people. It wasn't that we weren't happy we just didn't walk around with smiles all the time because life "hurts" especially when you have everyday aches and pains and it is hard to force a smile all the time but trust me I knew when my loving wife was angry because the RBF was not the same as anger face. I have said before WHEN she smiled she lit up the room and I miss that so much. I hope you can find a picture you are happy with that will bring you joy. I accept that I may never find the one picture I am looking for and I will just have to wait until I can look at her face again in person. It is what keeps me going.

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, John9 said:

I have said before WHEN she smiled she lit up the room and I miss that so much.

John9:  That's why I hope the picture I like best made the move. We were on our honeymoon and he looked so happy. He was generally not a big smiler but when he did, it was infectious. I don't know how the heck we are to move on without them and these "happenings" we remember. 

[John9]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't know how the heck we are to move on without them and these "happenings" we remember. 

tnd,

I am not sure how to move forward let alone move on as there isn't a minute that goes by that I am not thinking about my loving wife. I was talking to my neighbor today and I said I don't know know how I am going to make it much longer and I referenced your comment about feeling like roadkill and I said that instead of being given a hand up when I am down I feel like I am being kicked and more weight is being put onto me.

 

[tnd]

19 hours ago, John9 said:

I was talking to my neighbor today and I said I don't know know how I am going to make it much longer and I referenced your comment about feeling like roadkill and I said that instead of being given a hand up when I am down I feel like I am being kicked and more weight is being put onto me.

John9: I wonder now if your neighbor will start to understand. I feel like there's anvil on my back. This grief IS very heavy. One day I do sort-of-okay but then the next I miss my husband so much that it's nearly unbearable. Even the crying hurts. I guess I just feel like I am drowning. It's very depressing. But I try to catch glimpses of hope and hang on. Part of me is hanging on while being dragged. I pray every day for it to get better. 

[Gail 8588]

28 minutes ago, tnd said:

I pray every day for it to get better. 

Tnd, 

One thought that gave me hope during the long dark time I was lost in grief was this: 

"It is simply not possible that all the millions of widows and widowers who truly loved their partners lived in this much pain for the rest of their lives.  They must have somehow gotten better.  If they got better, then it is logical that I will too."

With this thought in mind, I kept putting one foot in front of the other.  And as I have said in lots of other posts, in year 4 of my journey, my grief did evolve into something that was no longer hopeless, agonizingly lonely, and painful.  

I would be happier if he were here with me, living, but I am happy now. I do carry him with me always, talk to him everyday, but it is no longer that hopeless despairing grief.  He is just part of my daily life, which is a pretty good life. 

I trust that you too will eventually get to that point.

Gail

 

[tnd]

11 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

"It is simply not possible that all the millions of widows and widowers who truly loved their partners lived in this much pain for the rest of their lives.  They must have somehow gotten better.  If they got better, then it is logical that I will too."

Gail 8588:  I like your quote. It makes sense, especially at a time when nothing else seems to. I've been in agony a long time, even before losing my husband. It was so touch-n-go for him in the hospital for so long and then to have it end the way it did was devastating. And now as I am trying to move forward, it's like having to pull teeth. I don't like having to rely on other people. I am going to go with the hope that when I finally get out of this place and into my own, I will have a little more control over things. But when it is so frustrating it makes the grief way heavier and harder to deal with. I pray I will cope with the grief better once I am in my own place. I don't expect it to be as simple as that but, I do know it will be better if I am in my own place. 

[John9]

7 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

"It is simply not possible that all the millions of widows and widowers who truly loved their partners lived in this much pain for the rest of their lives.  They must have somehow gotten better.  If they got better, then it is logical that I will too."

Gail 8588,

All I can hope for is if I have to continue living that this quote is correct. I, myself am at this moment not feeling it. I will continue to say that everyday is harder than the day before and I miss my loving wife more each day and maybe it is partly because of all of the other issues I am dealing with that a sapping what little strength I have right out of me. I am not really asking for much "I just need a break". I had to go to the Attorney office today and I told his associate that I am so beatdown that I don't know how much more I can do or take and they haven't even begun the filings for MIL estate because our son and I had to sign papers first that now have to be notarized and submitted which won't happen until next week and then the Holidays and it will just drag on and on and the "clock" won't start until the court approves everything and then......It should all be so simple by now with technology and computers and how "long" people have been dying but of course that is just a thought of mine and not reality. I am rambling again but this is just too much to go through at the worst times of someones life (and death)

[John9]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

I wonder now if your neighbor will start to understand.

tnd,

As we have all pretty much said at some point, Nobody gets it unless they go through it and even then some will never get it. As we all know each grief is unique and even though there are some that we think we can understand every little difference makes it "our own". I kind of understand why my own is so hard and I will never compare or say someone else's is less hard or easier but this is just really kicking my butt in every bad way. Like in your case but totally different also there is just too much paperwork and too many things not being done that should already be done and finished and completely over with but aren't and then multiply it by all of the deaths that I am dealing with and I will say it again "why am I or how am I still alive" because it feels like my head is going to explode from all of this. And "nobody" understands because to them this is all normal and I don't mean the people here on the forum but the Attorney and whoever else I talk to they all say yes it takes a long time and.......

11 minutes ago, tnd said:

I pray I will cope with the grief better once I am in my own place. I don't expect it to be as simple as that but, I do know it will be better if I am in my own place. 

This I hope for you as well, because as I have said before you do deserve it. I hope you can receive some peace as well I know I would like to have some before I die but I'll accept the peace of death also if it happens soon.

[tnd]

15 minutes ago, John9 said:

Like in your case but totally different also there is just too much paperwork and too many things not being done that should already be done and finished and completely over with but aren't and then multiply it by all of the deaths that I am dealing with and I will say it again "why am I or how am I still alive" because it feels like my head is going to explode from all of this

John9:  You need a break just so you can deal with your grief. And you're not getting a break. Instead, you are being put through the wringer. With no one to really turn to. I am in the same boat. It's the "gift that keeps on giving"! Thank goodness for the people on this site, I'm not so sure I'd around without them. I just want to decompress and let out all my emotions. But I can't right now. Seems you can't either. And with each passing day comes more frustration in the way that we are stuck and can't move forward. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to hold on to hope. I pray and have my conversations with God. I try, try, try. I think I am in the homestretch now and that once I am in my own place I will be able to decompress. In the meantime, can only do what I can do. But it is still frustrating to me. 

[John9]

6 minutes ago, tnd said:

And with each passing day comes more frustration in the way that we are stuck and can't move forward. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to hold on to hope. I pray and have my conversations with God. I try, try, try. I think I am in the homestretch now and that once I am in my own place I will be able to decompress. In the meantime, can only do what I can do. But it is still frustrating to me. 

tnd,

Boy do I get what you are saying and except for the part you wrote about getting your own place it could have been written by me. I am still trying and yesterday I had to go to the Funeral Home to pick up MIL's pendant and the own Representative who had worked with me saw me and asked how I was and I said I'm up and dressed and that's about it. I try but it is just so hard and it just seems like it keeps getting harder as if the Universe is totally trying to break me into "smaller" pieces than I am already in, I already feel like I am broken into a million pieces and and the next smallest would be turning into dust. But then I won't need to be cremated when I die I will just disappear.

[tnd]

13 minutes ago, John9 said:

I try but it is just so hard and it just seems like it keeps getting harder as if the Universe is totally trying to break me into "smaller" pieces than I am already in,

John9:  I don't think my brother's wife could survive a day in my shoes. I try not to think about it (or her) but when she told me to "stop playing victim", I swear, I could have knocked her block off. And that was BEFORE I arrived to where I am living right now. There is no way in heck that she could survive what I am going through on top of grieving. Grief is the worst part and I feel like I haven't really faced it just yet. Maybe in some ways I have but not full on yet. I've had to deal with so many other things that I don't think I've actually grieved yet. That's probably what is happening to you, too. Just too much else to deal with and no time to ourselves to properly grieve. Makes me want to scream to everyone "HEY! Time out!!"     

[John9]

tnd,

 I believe I have said it before but I am fairly sure that my loving wife would not have been able to handle everything I have gone through and I am glad she didn't have to. But I still wouldn't want anyone else to either. This is not something that anyone should have to go through and then to have to deal with the other issues too like what you went through and what I am going through and things others have gone through really isn't "right" but it is what many will have to. I have had some experience in dealing with 'paperwork" and such which makes me in a little better position than some but with the grieving brain nothing connects correctly in the thought process and the basics sometimes don't make any sense to me.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't think my brother's wife could survive a day in my shoes. I try not to think about it (or her) but when she told me to "stop playing victim", I swear, I could have knocked her block off.

I wish you'd been able to (and get away with it), she had it coming if anyone ever did.  I wish I could have helped you!  I can see my DIL saying something like that.  

5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

"It is simply not possible that all the millions of widows and widowers who truly loved their partners lived in this much pain for the rest of their lives.  They must have somehow gotten better.  If they got better, then it is logical that I will too."

This needs framed or at least made a sticky.  I like logical thinking..  So often in grief we're led around by our feelings, it's nice to get a logic break through.

2 hours ago, John9 said:

I am fairly sure that my loving wife would not have been able to handle everything I have gone through and I am glad she didn't have to.

I'm glad my George didn't have to walk in my shoes either.  It's been a lot...that's one reason I know he's proud of me.  I'm sure your wife is proud of you too.

[John9]

It is another of one of the dreaded Saturdays, and now I have noticed that are a lot of "new" songs playing on the radio and other formats that really seem to be written just for and about me. I know it isn't true but as I have said before music has always been how I have survived throughout my life and now it isn't working like it used to. I try to use it like I always did to distract myself so I can function and now all I do is cry more and more. I have to have some sort of "noise" to distract because silence is the absolute worse thing and that is one of the reasons I am unable to sleep through the night because once I am awake the silence lets my brain "start" the loop. I had many discussions with my loving wife about songs because she liked songs but never "listened" to the words in context to the story it was telling and I did and do and as I said 35 years and just about any song can have a meaning depending on what was happening at the time. I am just rambling once again but as I was driving today listening to music and the tears were running down my face all I am thinking is this will be a terrible way to die crashing because I can't see through the tears. Anyway I am just venting/whining again about how much I miss my loving wife and it is just getting harder and harder each day.

[steveb]

It’s good to vent John9 and not bottle up your feelings.  I recently reminisced with a childhood friend that I haven’t talked to in ages.  Catching up with people is nice, but when discussing my wife, I usually break down.  I’m still adjusting to my new normal.  But, as time goes on, I am finding more daily joys in life.  Important and soul satisfying joys. I look at everything through a different lense now.  

[John9]

So, the "good" sister has been having tests and such to try to figure out her health issues and it is slow and frustrating her. She called me to tell me that one of the issues they have said she has is too many red blood cells (Polycythemia) and they are going to try to draw blood from her every 2 weeks to see if they can get that under control. Not really sure if it is something that caused the issues or if the issues caused it, she was in "shock" and not able to really discuss it. Not really the kind of news she was expecting but when do you ever expect the things life throws at you. I hate the she has to deal with this on top of everything else she has gone through. I know I am at my breaking point and I am now afraid she will be too with the uncertainty of her job and new tests and treatments and costs and......

[steveb]

It’s good that you two have each other John. Thoughts and prayers heading to you and your sister. 
 

steve 

[John9]

steveb,

Thank you yes it is good but she is my loving wife's aunt and MIL's only "good" sister who helped after my loving wife died. It just doesn't seem right that some people have to suffer through so much and so much at once.

[Gail 8588]

On 11/18/2021 at 3:49 PM, tnd said:

. . . I think I am in the homestretch now and that once I am in my own place I will be able to decompress. In the meantime, can only do what I can do. 

Tnd, 

Thinking of you and hoping things are going well.  Hope it won't be long until you are in a place of your own. 

Gail

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Tnd, 

Thinking of you and hoping things are going well.  Hope it won't be long until you are in a place of your own. 

Gail

I echo this sentiment.

19 hours ago, John9 said:

I hate the she has to deal with this on top of everything else she has gone through. I know I am at my breaking point and I am now afraid she will be too with the uncertainty of her job and new tests and treatments and costs and......

I hate that her job is in jeopardy just when she's most in need, it's like kicking someone when they're down!  It seems to me an employer/employee relationship should work both ways, caring on both sides.  I was fortunate to have a great job/employer when George died, unfortunately it was the beginning of the recession and my job ended shortly...wasn't so lucky the next time.  Keeping "the good sister" in my prayers.  And you too, John.

Hoping to hear from tnd!!!

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

It seems to me an employer/employee relationship should work both ways, caring on both sides. 

KayC,

Sadly, my loving wife and I had many discussions about the way things had changed through the years and how we had felt taken advantage of. I do understand that realistically nobody forces you to work where you don't feel you are treated right, but after you have invested so much time it is hard to leave a job and have to start over. I know that if you are fired or the employer closes you have no choice but to start over, but "us" older people had a different belief about the way things "should" work. And then the "new" way of everyone is expendable or easily replaced came into play. My loving wife and I kept telling MIL she was very lucky to be one of the last people who actually had a pension that lasted as long as she did. As I said before that was one of the things that "upset" me was that my loving wife worked so hard for so long and never got to enjoy the fruits of her labor in any way, didn't get to retire or relax or slow down or........

[tnd]

On 11/20/2021 at 6:05 PM, John9 said:

I know it isn't true but as I have said before music has always been how I have survived throughout my life and now it isn't working like it used to. I try to use it like I always did to distract myself so I can function and now all I do is cry more and more. I have to have some sort of "noise" to distract because silence is the absolute worse thing and that is one of the reasons I am unable to sleep through the night

John9: I understand about the silence. I had to use the TV for a distraction the last couple nites to fall asleep. Been under the weather here so feeling lousy and then the grief attacked me. Add that to stress and I just could not sleep. Finally turned the TV back on but on low and was at least able to feel like I was resting. 

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

Sorry you have been under the weather.  I had a cough I couldn't shake for more than a month.  I went for a covid test 3 times during that period. All were negative. But when it kept lingering, I'd go get tested again just to be sure. Glad I am finally rid of it.  Hope you shake off your malady more quickly. 

Gail

[Carol34]

 The other day my sister asked if I had read any good books lately.  We're both avid readers, and suggest books to each other regularly.  I told her I hadn't read any books since Hospice.  He was unresponsive for the last 4 days he was there, so I would sit by his bed and read when there weren't other visitors.  I haven't opened a book or Kindle since.  I've never been a fan of watching TV, and used to chuckle at people who "binge watched" shows on Netflix.  Now, I'm one of them.  My TV is on all day.  When it's not, the stereo is on.  I need quiet when I'm reading, but I can't stand for the house to be completely quiet.  Not now.   I used to love a quiet house, and the TV noise drove me nuts.  I'm hoping to get back to reading some day.

[John9]

cmp34,

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I am at a loss for words today being as it is Thanksgiving and my brain is more rattled than before. But I do understand the comment but before my loving wife died I could read and "watch" TV at the same time and now I can't even watch TV and follow what is going on.

[KayC]

On 11/24/2021 at 9:21 AM, John9 said:

realistically nobody forces you to work where you don't feel you are treated right

Actually sometimes the "times" dictate it, I lost my job after George died, it took me 5 1/2 months to get another one, having to commute 100 miles/day just to survive.  It was the beginning of the session and hundreds of people competing for the same job, employer's market.  For the first time in my life I faced aged discrimination.  I kept applying and trying for jobs...seven years went by, nothing.  One day I went to work and got my "you're done" notice or should I say NO notice!  I turned 61, was supposed to go on vacation, instead out of work and no one would hire me.  I lived on savings for four years before filing soc. sec. and taking a year's penalty, by then I was totally out of money.  It's a good thing I was frugal and had saved but then faced retirement broke...and found out the first week I'd lost my job that I needed a new roof.  I did what I could to get by, sold on eBay even!  It was extremely hard.  And no medical insurance.

[KayC]

On 11/25/2021 at 9:10 AM, cmp34 said:

The other day my sister asked if I had read any good books lately.  We're both avid readers, and suggest books to each other regularly.  I told her I hadn't read any books since Hospice.

It's very hard to focus in early grief.  I didn't watch t.v. or read a book for pleasure for YEARS!  I did read grief articles/books.  But nothing for enjoyment.  I hope it comes back for you.  I haven't read since I got my puppy as he wants my time/attention but that's a GOOD distraction!

[John9]

18 minutes ago, KayC said:

Actually sometimes the "times" dictate it,

KayC,

I do understand your comment, mine was a slightly different take on it though. I know that circumstances are "never" perfect and we are sometimes "forced" to do things we wouldn't want anyone else to have to do. I also understand the age "discrimination" and when you went through it things weren't as bad as it is now for the older ones and I am not saying you had it easy just commenting being old sucks because the "powers that be" think we are useless or unable to do what is needed. I was just basically saying that we shouldn't HAVE to feel trapped in a job where we are treated poorly and sadly many are stuck for some of the reasons you state and more.

[John9]

Another bad Sadderday, it is snowing and cold and looking like the time of year it is. I just don't have the energy to deal with the constant reminders of the approaching celebrations. I just dread this so much and the dreary weather isn't helping my "mood". I just don't know how those of you who have made it many years into the grieving process have done so, because this is terrible and so painful and I feel as if all joy is gone from my life. MIL used to watch the Harry Potter movies all the time and I feel as if the "Dementors" are here sucking it all out of me. The constant looping is getting worse and I miss my loving wife more each day and the emotional pain is seemingly worse every day too. I know the physical pain is. I am sorry that this ever has to happen to anyone. I just want this pain to end.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

I just don't know how those of you who have made it many years into the grieving process have done so, because this is terrible and so painful and I feel as if all joy is gone from my life.

John9:  I'm so sorry for your pain and the sadness. I admit, it can be pretty intense sometimes. I know the holidays will never be the same again for me, either. But to be honest, the last several years of holidays kind of sucked for my husband and I. Something always happened to put a damper on things. And last year he went into the hospital just before Christmas. So, this year is really no different in the way that it is sad and gloomy. I already had it in my mind that it would be. I could easily go into a tailspin now but I won't. I want to get thru this for the sake of my husband's memory (and in case he's watching, sneaky guy) and I want to do this for myself. I figure I've come this far I may as well owe it to myself to keep going. Like a line from a song "because tomorrow might be good or something". No, tomorrow won't be good but future-wise I hope it will be. Next holiday season I hope to be able to be of some good to people or children.       

[John9]

10 minutes ago, tnd said:

Next holiday season I hope to be able to be of some good to people or children. 

tnd,

I hope that everyone who is grieving is able to come to terms with their grief and process it so the pain is at least manageable. I am trying to get to that state, however it is not going well and I may never get to that state while still on this earthly plane. I keep going and as much as I have tried to honor my loving wife's memory and all that you say in honor of your husband but my brain is my own worst enemy right now. I just don't know how much more I can stand and how much longer I can hold keep going.

[KayC]

I'm sure you get sick of hearing "it takes time" as I did but it is true, while it's important we get grief counseling, read grief books & articles, push past our comfort zone, etc., the fact remains, this is a process...a LONG process and meanwhile, sometimes it's just damned hard!  I'm sorry you had/have sadness  I know sitting inside the house watching it snow evokes totally different emotions in me NOW than it did when George was alive and we were in it together.  It's amazing the difference one person can make.

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

It's amazing the difference one person can make.

It's what that makes the difference in the world!

I don't enjoy life like with him...it's the bitter truth!

[John9]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

It's amazing the difference one person can make.

KayC,

Yes and that one person was my whole world and my everything and all everything else I have said so many times everyone is probably tired of hearing it but absolutely nothing means anything to mean anymore and the perspective of that person missing is part of it. As has been mentioned by many here, problems seemed so much smaller or easier when we were in it together. Right now I cry if I drop something let alone when I have to deal with an actual problem. I really do understand when it is said that this takes time to process and whatever term someone is comfortable using about going through it, but again one of my problems is that it "seems" like it has been forever since my loving wife died because the time is passing so slowly without her here with me. I realize that maybe a large portion of that might have much to do with the facts of all of the other things that are in fact moving very slowly and are drawn out may be making all of the other issues seem worse. But as I have said before just because I know something doesn't help me deal with it at least in this situation. I am really just venting and trying to make it through another long lonely day without my loving wife beside me when I need her the most. The fact that the "majority" of people survive this type of grieving is still a thing that is keeping me going as much as I don't think I can, I am still going through motions of life as I haven't given up just verbalizing how difficult it is for me. I really do appreciate the fact that people still respond to my "vents" and ramblings to try to inspire or help me to keep going and I am trying.

3 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I don't enjoy life like with him...it's the bitter truth!

Roxeanne,

And BITTER it is and that also describes me as well I am bitter and angry and frustrated and sad and.......

[Gail 8588]

17 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . I just don't know how much more I can stand and how much longer I can hold keep going.

John9, 

I am so sorry you are in such pain. 

I know this won't in anyway fix the big problem, of you missing your loving wife, but I think it may help reduce your suffering if you get another pet. It is clear from many of your posts that you have dearly loved many pets.  It is amazing how much joy you can feel watching the antics of a kitten or puppy.  They will love you unconditionally, something we can really benefit from. 

Just a thought.  I know you want to find a way out of all this pain.  A fur buddy may help lead the way. 

Gail

[Roxeanne]

John i understand...you're in early grief and all is only pain and desperation...!

I'm in my 3 years and a half...i learned to live with my "new" life...anyway i miss him all the time, i can't forget how good my life was with him...i loved stay with him!

I think those emotions will never disappear...the pain will lessen with time.. but the joy of our life with them remain in our heart!

The bitterness of our joy vanished too!

Take care

[John9]

38 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

A fur buddy may help lead the way. 

Gaill 8588,

I have my loving wife's 2 cats that turn 1 year old the week before she died. They are a small "comfort" and I am just not ready for the responsibility of another dog. The sole burden is too much, I love(d) my loving wife but I had told her that we were getting too old for taking on new animals, but I never expected her to be the one to die first I was basically preparing her for not having to worry about herself and old pets too. I have lost too much with the 4 animals in less than 2 years and 4 people in 10 months and pets are great and then they are gone and I can't think about that right now. As I had "joked" before when I die whoever gets the house gets the cats, because I won't live as long as they will.

[John9]

16 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

John i understand...you're in early grief and all is only pain and desperation...!

I'm in my 3 years and a half...i learned to live with my "new" life...anyway i miss him all the time, i can't forget how good my life was with him...i loved stay with him!

I think those emotions will never disappear...the pain will lessen with time.. but the joy of our life with them remain in our heart!

The bitterness of our joy vanished too!

Take care

Roxeanne,

I thank you and I can only hope IF I have to live, then I am able to be at the point that you and others are. I just don't see how I can do this kind of pain for YEARS, I am already a basketcase and barely able to function now and it is harder each day without any relief.

[Roxeanne]

John i know it's terrible...all of us went through that nighmare!

There's no other ways...hold on and take care of yourself!

I wish i can comfort you with my words but no words can lessen such deeply pain...we are here to listen to understand to help you 'cos our life was and is shattered too! 

We are travel companion on a journey we never wanted to take!

A big hug

[John9]

5 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

John i know it's terrible...all of us went through that nighmare!

There's no other ways...hold on and take care of yourself!

I wish i can comfort you with my words but no words can lessen such deeply pain...we are here to listen to understand to help you 'cos our life was and is shattered too! 

We are travel companion on a journey we never wanted to take!

A big hug

Roxeanne,

I thank you again, AND this is why I come here for the words of encouragement. I know that to come out on the other side of this I have to make it through and the fact that "you" have is a big help. This is the absolutely worst thing I have been through and that is what is "good" talking to those who actually went through this terrible thing. I hate also that any of us have to go through this.

[MaryB]

Dear John9, 

I recently entered my third year of grief after losing my amazing husband in August 2019.  And I truly do not know how I survived at all.  But looking back I can now see that time was my friend.  Just like KayC said.  I got so sick and tired of people telling me that but it turned out they were right.  And so now I'm telling you the same thing.  Please give this all the time you need, face the pain head on and one day you will notice that heavy feeling starting to lift a bit.  I never thought it would happen to me but it's beginning to.  Please believe me.  Don't give up hope.  Ever.  Your beloved wife would not want you to.   You're in my prayers.  God bless.

[Sparky1]

John, we're here for each other. For me this forum has been better than grief counseling I've had in the past year. Grief is not easy for any of us, we've all lost the most important thing in our lives, the only thing that mattered to us. I struggle along every day, there are moments when it becomes overwhelming and I feel so helpless at the realization that I no longer have my wife here with me. Reading everyone's posts makes me realize how common my feelings are with most of us. I don't feel so alone in that sense. 

[John9]

MaryB, Sparky1,

I thank you for the comments and for the encouraging words and that is why I am here almost everyday trying to figure out how I can make it through this HELL. I am not giving up and I have said I am here until God says otherwise, so however long it is I need to find what works for me.

[MaryB]

We'll walk down this road together.   All of us.  You are not alone, John. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

I am just not ready for the responsibility of another dog

My dog has not seemed responsibility but having him here has meant all the difference in the world.  An incentive to keep going.  A sweet loving being who "lives for me."  I get way more back from him than I could ever give him.  Just something to think about.  No offense to cat people, I love cats too and this is the first time I've been w/o one in the last 50+ years, but I haven't felt up to it since losing 25 year old Kitty nearly two years ago.  But dogs, they live for us!  We all find what works for us and I trust you are intuitive enough to figure that out for yourself in due time.  We support you in however you do it.

Here's my pup, not a care in the world!  We even share our birthday.