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John9

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John, I love and miss my hubby calling me his bride. It made me happy!!!   I think you are so sweet as well, by saying my loving wife.....

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John, when you love someone like we do, we don't get offended so easily, we feel GOOD when they call us their bride, we WANT to be associated with them that way!  Maybe the others haven't experienced what we have/had.

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John9, 

I am so glad your son has moved in with you.  It will be so good for you to have someone with you, and I expect it will bring comfort to your son too. 

Gail

 

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On 11/6/2021 at 4:32 PM, John9 said:

I really don't see this ending (the crying) until I finally do (when I die). I am just saying it is just "my life" now and I am okay with it and don't worry about what anyone says (get over it). Small steps right.

John9:  Small steps, yes. Right now I am doing the shuffle. Things are moving very slowly but improving. Well, sort of. 

By the way, nice photo of you and your wife!  

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

And no one can take those from us save dementia but even then we usually remember things way back, whereas not what someone said to us yesterday, but even should that rob us, we'll be too far gone to know.

John, even having your son there won't protect you from your grief, your loss is great and you're bound to cry...it's okay.  Even for a man.  If ever there were a time to cry, this is it.  (((hugs)))

KayC,

Yes having just watched MIL not remember my loving wife and she remembered her husband died but thought he died from Covid and he died in 2002. That is one of the only things that would take the memories from me or a stroke, which I also hope doesn't happen. I thank you for the hugs AGAIN. I know the tears will flow because they do, I "know" why it happens and at the same time I don't know the exact reason. I have said before the exact same thing that triggers me today may not have yesterday and may not tomorrow but right now I am crying. I just got BAD news that MIL estate can't be done quickly and cheaply because according to the State she had a house worth too much that "we" will be lucky to literally give away because of location and cost of repairs and code updates. I knew it was a 99/1 shot even though the Attorney said it was 50/50 it was just the way things have been going. Now because of the delays and the way it will have to be done it will be anywhere from 6 to 12 months before that one is over and my friends estate is still dragging on and the Holidays are approaching and the Courts will be shutting down because of that, so it will probably drag further into next year. It will just make the bad that much worse. This is one of those things I understand but after all of these years why isn't it easier, we are all going to die why do they have to make it so hard for the ones left behind to deal with.

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17 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Indeed, we should so what we can to make it easy for those left behind. 

foreverhis,

I just told our son today after I told him my head exploded because I can't do a simple filing, that this was and is why I made a new will after my loving wife died and updated everything I can think of with him as beneficiary and followed the advise of the Attorney as far as the house so supposed it will avoid probate. I said I did all I can do to make it easy for him even pre-paying for my cremation services because of what all I have had to go through. IF I could change things aside from not letting my loving wife die, it would be "forcing" my friend and MIL to get rid of their houses before they died because there isn't enough money in the world for all of the problems I have run into and the money the Attorney(s) is charging to handle it because once again it is too complicated to do it yourself because you need to make sure the T's are crossed and the I's are dotted or else there are more issues. I am hoping that when I am able that I can just sell the house as-is and take the "money and run" so our son can have something from his Grandmother. I would LIKE to have some peace before I die AND also after I die too. As I said before I have been so stressed for the last 12 years and it kept and keeps increasing that what WILL kill me is the peace of NO stress, IF that was to ever happen.

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3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am hoping that when I am able that I can just sell the house as-is and take the "money and run" so our son can have something from his Grandmother. I would LIKE to have some peace before I die AND also after I die too.

John9:  Your son is very fortunate to have you for a father. Selling the house "As Is" might be a very good idea because if there is any land with it, that will sweeten the deal. And there are also buyers looking for tear-downs so they can have their own custom house built brand new. Again, on land or a nice lot. 

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tnd,

I think the only thing that might work in this situation is if someone wants to buy it and rent it as a source of income because it isn't in the nicest neighborhood and the homes don't go for much.

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Gail. Take your posters to a pawn shop. They will eventually fall into the right hands. They may even have more value than you think. I tried selling on Craig's List. The very first reply I got was a scam. It didn't take me long to realize fortunately. They do give you pointers on the site of what to look out for. I never replied to any after that. Some I suppose would have been genuine, a lot sounded like solicitations!

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11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't think I am actually a hoarder, but I do have some tendencies that way.  I am willing to part with belongings, but I want them to go to someone who will use them. So I tend to keep way too much stuff with the plan of getting it to the right person. 

Gail 8588,

This is exactly what happened to me, my loving wife wasn't a hoarder she was artistic and kept or collected things with the intent of making things and maybe having a "table" at shows when she "retired" or after her Mother died and we were able to relax. I am now stuck trying to get rid of things that I have no use for but I hate throwing it away and as you said "nobody" wants it because we didn't have a network of people who shared her interests except her Aunt who had the stroke recently and whose Daughter died and that just added to the difficulty of giving things to her. I know that when I die our son will throw most of our stuff away and as much as it hurts NOW it won't bother me then. I have thrown away some stuff and tried to donate some other stuff BUT it is hard because as the saying goes "one persons trash..." I also do not want anyone coming to my house because you just never know. I was always a person who would keep "parts" because you never know when you might need them and it is the same now I need to eliminate stuff because our son will not use most of it because he isn't that person who "fixes" things. I know this is a "business" model where they say IF it isn't used or doesn't bring joy eliminate it, but us older people who were raised in a different time or by people who knew a hard life find if really hard to change.

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Selling the house "as is" can be an important detail, a friend off mine did not and ended up in a lawsuit two years later that basically gave the $500,000 home FREE to the buyers plus took over $300,000 from her for attorney fees.  She was under so much stress it hastened her dementia.  It's turned out to be a nightmare and the only ones that made out were the buyers and attorneys...there should be a special place in hell... BTW the "buyers" had fleeced others this way before!  It's how they earn their living.

As is covers all kinds of possibilities and can be much easier than trying to meet codes, fix things, etc.

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I guess I need to learn how to sell stuff on ebay. 

Your kids could unload a lot of stuff on a professional ebayer, they have them in the bigger cities.  I used to do it but eBay has made it harder and since the pandemic they no longer have phone accessibility or answer questions...plus with gov't wanting reporting and taxes from it, it makes it much more complicated now.  Why the gov't things they're entitled to more than we've already paid them through our income taxes, IDK.  Greedy XXX

 

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58 minutes ago, KayC said:

I used to do it but eBay has made it harder

KayC,

My loving wife used to sell a few things on Ebay which is really code for she took the pictures and listed items BUT I had to package, and label and ship and pay the expenses and yes there is no reason for the Government to be in our sales because everything was really at a loss and it wasn't a business but they want you to keep paying. Ebay got there money, PayPal got there money USPS got there money and then maybe she might be able to turn around and buy something from Ebay. I didn't like it BUT anything for my loving wife which I have said many times.

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I actually used it for $ for food when I was out of work 1 year plus later four more years before I drew soc. sec., I never even thought to apply for food stamps, that's what's funny!  I worked dang hard just to bring in $20/week and you're right, after paying eBay, Paypal, shipping, not to mention the cost of the item, yup, you're losing ground.

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KayC,

It was just one of those things that was easier to go along with my loving wife rather than "argue" with her. I never saw Ebay as being cost effective for me, but if you are the one who can just collect the proceeds it works. Kind of like how the Employer benefits from all of the hard work of the Employee and my loving wife was and still is my boss and I don't mean that in any kind of a bad way.

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On 11/9/2021 at 9:03 PM, Gail 8588 said:

I guess I need to learn how to sell stuff on ebay.  (I am too scared to have people come to my house to put items on craigslist. I just feel too vulnerable.)

Gail 8588:  That's why I have never sold stuff online. I don't like the idea of strangers coming to my house or even having to ship things. I'm just not into that. Before my grandmother passed, she went through her house and taped names on the bottom of things and told my grandfather about it. That way, when the time came, everyone knew what was theirs and it was up to them to do what they want with it. 

As for your Jazz posters, maybe a local high school music department might be interested.    

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tnd,

As far as the clothes all of my loving wife's clothes were supposed to have been taken by the "good" sister to sort and go through for herself and her grandkids but with everything that happened since my loving wife died and everything else I just bagged it all up and put it in the basement for now because our son needed the closet. I am trying to not bug her because she is stressed out with her health issues and the death of her daughter and......I am trying to patient but I can't be tripping over things either. I already donated all of MIL's clothes and much of my clothes that don't "bring joy" anymore.

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22 hours ago, tnd said:

she went through her house and taped names on the bottom of things and told my grandfather about it.

That is a great idea!

We no longer have a local place to donate so it's 100 mile round trip to town, ugh.

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On 11/11/2021 at 1:10 PM, tnd said:

Before my grandmother passed, she went through her house and taped names on the bottom of things and told my grandfather about it. That way, when the time came, everyone knew what was theirs and it was up to them to do what they want with it. 

tnd, KayC,

Sadly this "plan" only works if the "family" agrees and my loving wife's family (her aunts) had a bad apple and she took anything that she thought had value after their parents died and destroyed things she didn't want anyone to have. And now to make matters worse she is telling anyone who will listen to her that it was one of the other sisters who did it. I can't control what someone does after I die as I can barely control my own life, I just know that their parents would be very upset and disappointed if they thought that the "children" weren't able to do the right thing and I think they would be very disappointed in how they are acting toward each other right now during all of these deaths and illnesses. I was talking to the "good" sister today, she had a stress test yesterday and is waiting to find out the results but her "boss" called her and was upset with the company because they are talking about firing her because she has been off work for too long and it is policy. Like she needs to deal with that added stress on top of everything else.

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I don't have anything anyone wants.  Kids today do not want your china, crystal, old book collections, cardmaking tools/supplies, clothes, etc.  No one wants my worn out furniture, worn out home.  But they can sell it and split it or throw things away or whatever they want to do, I've let them know what is of monetary value, I doubt my son will want to fool with it but if my daughter wants to sell stuff she can have it, he won't fight her on anything, he loves and cares for her as I do.  My DIL I don't want involved, she hasn't shown herself to be altruistic or caring, so it'll be between my two children.  I've found someone who would want Kodie and treat him well, he doesn't know them but it's more important to me that he have love and be treated well by someone who would spoil him as I do.  They would.

OMG, John!  How horrible and wrong of that company!  Alas if she needs her job, she may have to go back to work, I had to go back after two weeks, I was broke, I actually went in on day 5 and did payroll because they needed it!  Focus was hard, I asked my boss to check my work, something I'd never needed in my life, but I was fortunate to be working for a very caring place...unfortunately the business closed a few months later and that was never to be the case again.  My heartfelt prayers go out to the "good sister."

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59 minutes ago, KayC said:

How horrible and wrong of that company!  Alas if she needs her job, she may have to go back to work, I had to go back after two weeks,

KayC,

I don't know what she is going to do or have to do, Her job is in a "factory" and there is a danger of being injured because she says she is sort of still numb on her left side and her balance is off. The biggest issue will be health insurance because she is being treated and needs coverage that would be equal to what she has now. It is a tricky situation because if she can't work and they need someone they can't hold her job on a "what if/when" is she going to be able to work. It is just so hard to watch someone who works/worked hard and is not able to recover without the added worries of what am I going to do now. Nobody deserves this kind of stress on top of all the grief she is going through too. I feel for her but I can only do so much and we are only related by marriage (my loving wife's aunt) I can't go out on a limb for her and put myself in a financial bind. She isn't old enough to retire and collect SS and probably can't collect SS disability either.

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John, it seems so many are caught in the cracks of our system.  I hope she's able to work it out.  Of course you can't be responsible for her financially, few of us could take that on.  
I am sorry you are feeling so sad.  :wub:
 

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John, OMG, they are so sweet!  Thank you for sharing their picture, they remind me of little aliens, so sweet!  What breed are they?  I'm glad they have each other..

 

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KayC,

They are not sweet, they are evil (haha). They are Oriental Shorthair and they are brothers from the same litter and you really wouldn't know it to see them in "purrson". The orange one is not the one my loving wife thought of when she wanted the breed but the white (lilac) one was. The fur and ears are so different on each one the ears on the white one are floppier and he is so soft and the orange one has pointier ears and coarser fur. One of the reasons my loving wife wanted them is that they are very vocal and they will talk when they want to and it is very loud when they do.

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19 hours ago, John9 said:

The cats meant so much to my loving wife and she "worked" so hard to get them that they have to stay here together.

John9:  Oh...they have THAT LOOK in their eyes! I don't know who took that picture but they are making eye contact with them and the camera, they are "speaking". That means something for sure. I would have so much fun playing and talking with them! I love on my cats every day. And I talk to them all the time. And in their own way, they speak and talk to me. Funny, I'm actually more of a "dog person" but my cats needed help so my husband and I rescued them. They fit right in with our other cat and even with our dog that we had. 

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3 hours ago, John9 said:

One of the reasons my loving wife wanted them is that they are very vocal and they will talk when they want to and it is very loud when they do.

John9:  See! Now I would take advantage of that and hold many conversations with them. Some cats are almost too quiet and just want to go hide and nap. Mine will actually wake up and come to me for some lovin' and then go back to their nap. It's as if they know that mama needs some comforting. One of them even kisses me on the forehead. He just presses his wet cold nose against my forehead for about 2 seconds and then I thank him by rubbing his head for about 2 seconds. We do this every day. The younger one was born feral and she's more of a diva. She demands a lot of attention as diva's go, but doesn't always reciprocate. ha ha  But she and I talk and she makes for a good listener. 

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37 minutes ago, tnd said:

. I am not suicidal.

Tnd i didn't mean that of course.

but in one of your post you said something or better you didn't say something about your situation now in that family that made me feel scared..!

Hope it was only my wrong impression...

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42 minutes ago, tnd said:

Oh...they have THAT LOOK in their eyes! I don't know who took that picture but they are making eye contact with them and the camera, they are "speaking".

tnd,

That picture was taken by my loving wife. I never "had" a cat until my loving wife and I got our first one 35 years ago and I have loved them all. As far as the cats and dogs mostly our animals all got along, they just had to figure out the "pecking" order. Sadly like so much that happened recently these 2 never got a chance to bond with the Chihuahua's because at first the cats were too afraid and then the female Chihuahua died in December and all "hell" broke loose this year and then the male Chihuahua died in June just as the cats were figuring things out.

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7 minutes ago, John9 said:

As far as the cats and dogs mostly our animals all got along, they just had to figure out the "pecking" order.

John9:  When he was still around, our dog was the Alpha. He was a Blue Heeler and had a natural herding instinct so kept our cats in line. If they were making too much noise running around and wrestling, I'd tell them to simmer down. If I had to tell them a second time, our dog would tell them. They often listened to him more than they did me. 

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tnd,

Our female Chihuahua was the "boss" and she kept everyone in their place and she had a "game" where she would place a piece of food in the middle of the floor as a trap and wait nearby and attack them. She was very good at keeping the Catahoula in line too. I have so many pictures of them together but the "size" won't let me post them they were always doing something or being cute. One of my screensavers is the female in her bed surrounded by all of her "babies" (small stuffed animals). All of the memories just make me happy but then so sad also. Here is one of the few that I'm allowed to post because of size.

1471045170210.jpg

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3 minutes ago, John9 said:

Our female Chihuahua was the "boss"

John9:  One word: Adorable!  Funny how a small Chihuahua would curl up with a large Catahoula. I think Chi's don't realize they are small. My husband wanted a Chihuahua. I don't know if there will be one in my future but I sure do love them. And believe it or not, I've come to like pit bulls too. I've seen some real cuddly ones. Yes, playful and cuddly. Especially the English Staffordshire aka "the nanny dog" or what I call, the "low rider bully". But apartments don't allow them. And pit bulls require a responsible and dedicated owner. They're not for everybody. Some people will say Heelers and Catahoula's are aggressive. You and I both know the truth about that though. We let our Heeler sleep up on the bed with us. Was a tight squeeze but felt right. And because a dog's temperature is higher, he kept us warm in the winter. You are so lucky to have had them! 

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tnd,

Yes, I/we were lucky and for a little while he slept in our bed with us but we had to give him his own bed on the floor beside my loving wife's side of the bed because when he stretched out he was too much for us together. BUT when my loving wife got up to get ready for work and she let him out he would dive back into our bed and sleep with me until I got up. All of these things happening within this relatively short period of time just keeps me down all of the time. I try and I try and it is so hard and again I miss my loving wife more each day. It just seems like no matter what I try to do I keep getting knocked down and kicked while I am down and instead of a hand up, more weight is being added to me and more on the "wobbling" plate. I just need some of this to end if it isn't all going to. I am still keeping on keeping on but it is getting rough.

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2 minutes ago, John9 said:

I just need some of this to end if it isn't all going to. I am still keeping on keeping on but it is getting rough.

John9:  I'm sorry you are having it so hard. I don't think the pain ever goes away. Some days seem a little easier but at the end of the day, it catches up to me. Some days I can think about our dog and be okay, other days it makes me cry. My husband and I had a lot of good times together with our dog. We could sit and laugh and talk about him endlessly. That's what kind of dog he was. I miss those times. Having our pets made us feel like a family. And now that's gone. So I understand your pain. Only recently have I been able to think about our dog without crying too much. It's not just about the dog...but my husband. Then I realized that a lot of my photos of my husband may have not made it into storage and were left behind. That hurts. I hope some of them made it though. Thank God I have my memories! Some people lose ALL their belongings and momentos and even loved ones due to tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, etc. I am sure they struggle with grief, we know they must. But they carry on. I actually have met some who have. Probably because they have their memories locked inside to take with them. I wonder now if it's the memories that help them move forward. Things like this are going to make us cry and feel lousy but I think we can let it also make us feel good if we want. 

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