Realization

[tnd]

On 10/16/2021 at 2:22 PM, John9 said:

I don't feel inspired but yet I do keep getting up and going through the motions every day even with no "reason" to. It is so hard to find anything positive when all of the bad things that keep happening, again I wonder why God took my loving wife's cousin at 38 and not me.

John9:  It's hard to keep going when nothing makes sense and we don't have answers. Some people do give up and I wonder what the last straw was for them because I've had plenty of straws break. It's like we are broken and have to put ourselves back together but how? Never been so broken before.   

[tnd]

On 10/17/2021 at 8:17 AM, KayC said:

The beginning is so hard because everything hits just when we feel least able to deal with it!

KayC: I agree, the beginning is so hard. But explaining it to other people is almost just as hard. Some seem to think that after only a few months you should be stronger and pulling yourself back up. They don't understand this kind of grief. They just see you as falling apart, negative and ungrateful. Well, I AM grateful for what I have, I thank God for that every day and being looked at as being "negative" now kind of peeves me. Anymore, I go cry alone and keep my uh "negativity" to myself. 

[John9]

tnd,

I also have never been or felt so broken in my life.  My loving wife and I were always grateful because we both had "childhoods" where things had rough patches and I am grateful too even though I don't like what has happened recently. I can't change the way I am processing my grief and I sadly don't care if nobody likes it or not, I know you are in a different "place" than I am and that makes it harder for you because as we have all said nobody gets it UNLESS they experience it and I HATE that the "good" sister has to deal with the death of her Daughter on top of her niece and her sister in this short period of time. A parent isn't supposed to have to do that even though it happens all the time which doesn't make it any easier to accept. I told her yesterday that even when you know it is coming like MIL it isn't easy and the sudden ones hurt "more" because you didn't get the chance to prepare. No death is easy when you love someone, even the "good" death. I know my pain and grief is 100% because of my LOVE for my loving wife but that doesn't help me. I will never understand it even though I understand death more than most because in my "circle" not many have had more than 1 or 2 people close to them die and even then it the older relatives and they were expected. I have experienced way too many in the last 60 years and again none have hit me like my loving wife because honestly I didn't love anyone as much as I did her. When I say I gave her my heart and soul I mean it 100% she has it all and she took it when she died.

[John9]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

John9:  It's hard to keep going when nothing makes sense and we don't have answers. Some people do give up and I wonder what the last straw was for them because I've had plenty of straws break. It's like we are broken and have to put ourselves back together but how? Never been so broken before. 

tnd,

I don't know when or why people have had enough, all I know is I feel very close to mine and I hate it because it scares me. I want to fulfill whatever purpose I am supposed to if God has a plan for me but.....

[tnd]

22 minutes ago, John9 said:

I don't know when or why people have had enough, all I know is I feel very close to mine and I hate it because it scares me. I want to fulfill whatever purpose I am supposed to if God has a plan for me but.....

John9:  I've sort of stopped thinking about what my purpose is. Maybe I am to just "be". Maybe I am to just live life now, not that it isn't something valuable but, maybe I am to just be here if/when needed. For what or for whom I don't know but maybe if I have a purpose, it's not just for one person. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

nobody gets it UNLESS they experience it

Yes, this is true. Some are more understanding than others, some better at putting themselves in our place and trying to see from our perspective, but none can truly get it unless they've been through it, the same as I can try to understand some things but can't fully as I haven't been through it (like drug/alcohol addiction).  This place is our safe place because we've all experienced grief to the umpth degree.  We live it.  I am sorry your SIL is going through this now, no one should ever have to experience it.

17 hours ago, tnd said:

I've sort of stopped thinking about what my purpose is. Maybe I am to just "be".

You do have purpose, but maybe right now you need to just "be" to get through this very trying time in your life.  I know you will learn much through it but it's not something you can see right now.  Right now just do today, right now, break it down into the smallest biteable chunks.  It won't stay like this forever.

[tnd]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Right now just do today, right now, break it down into the smallest biteable chunks.  It won't stay like this forever.

KayC:  That's what I do. I sort of go about my day in increments, focusing on one thing at a time before moving on to the next task. I even think about things in small increments at a time, including my grief. I've found that having a routine of ANY sort right now helps. 

[John9]

34 minutes ago, tnd said:

I've found that having a routine of ANY sort right now helps. 

tnd,

I understand you and the comment, I have found that after "forever" of caring and doing for others and now that they are all "gone" I can't focus and I can't fully function. I am trying and I don't like this feeling and I don't like how things are and it hurts because I find myself starting to think that I need to or am supposed to be doing or getting ready to do something for....And there isn't anyone to do it for and I have neglected my own needs first for so long it is very difficult to start now. It hurts to think this way and to be this way and I just can't get out of my own head. I had to try to cut the grass today and once again I was crying while doing it and it didn't work out right because we have had so much rain that the grass is growing BUT the yard is standing water so all I did was make a mess with tire tracks BUT I don't care. Nothing seems to matter to me anymore which also just makes me feel bad because I should care but the only person I truly and totally care about is not here and it makes everything else moot.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I have found that after "forever" of caring and doing for others and now that they are all "gone" I can't focus and I can't fully function.

John9:  I'm that way too. But I try to keep some sort of routine to replace the discomfort of not feeling right. I'm not ignoring my feelings or in denial, I just think that a routine helps me. Especially since the routine I had was suddenly taken away. But there are things that I still need to take care of every day...showering, feeding my cats, tidying up my room, laundry, spending time with my cats and oh yeah, checking  on the status of my Widow's Benefits and things of that nature. And then I set aside time in the evening to grieve and think about my husband, unless someone here at the house wants to talk about him or doesn't mind me talking about him. 

I think I was so use to having a routine that without one I was feeling worse. I'm not saying my pain from grief has lessened but my mind feels a little more clearer. I don't always feel quite a mess now. Some days yes, but I am starting to have better days. And if things aren't like they were and I have very little left of my old life, I'm starting to let go of even that. I am not living in an environment that I'd willingly choose to live in but, it is what it is and I'm alive. Having a routine makes me feel alive. I need that more than anything if I am to live long enough to get myself to a better life.       

[John9]

tnd,

I am glad that you have at least found something that can somewhat help you make it through the days. I do keep trying it is just so hard when I don't feel "right" about anything. I too am waiting and checking on paperwork and it is an endless and ongoing stream of "nothing happening" or no updates. It makes the time drag on and on as if that is even possible.

[tnd]

6 minutes ago, John9 said:

I too am waiting and checking on paperwork and it is an endless and ongoing stream of "nothing happening" or no updates. It makes the time drag on and on as if that is even possible.

John9:  I'm sorry you are going through the "hurry up and wait" headaches. Having to deal with issues like paperwork is hard and it's stressful. And at a time when we are grieving and having so many other thoughts racing through our minds while wiping tears from our eyes, compounded by the feeling of great loss and sorrow doesn't help. It is maddening to say the least. For instance, I'm under pressure to receive Widow's Benefits because I am running out of money for personal incidentals, including health insurance and my meds but I am also under pressure to get my benefits because I cannot stay here forever and continue costing my new family money (food, utilities, etc). They are poor. Sort of...they often complain of not having money and sometimes there is very little food (I eat once a day if I eat at all) but then they turn around and spend money on stuff that isn't a necessity. Okay, sorry..didn't mean to change the subject. Anyways, waiting on things that aren't in our control is the hardest. So I tell myself that once I've done my part, there is nothing more I can do but wait and then I try not to think too much about it. But having a routine to do and think of other things sort of fills the time I'd spend being stressed out. You and I were so use to go, go, go and then suddenly the reason for our being busy was suddenly "no more". I imagine retirees feel like this at first. So I think the best way to keep ourselves from feeling so down and lost is to decide on some sort of daily routine to keep ourselves busy. We gotta keep going to be going. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, tnd said:

But I try to keep some sort of routine to replace the discomfort of not feeling right. I'm not ignoring my feelings or in denial, I just think that a routine helps me.

This is what Dr Phil suggests too, to help us in Covid, in grief....it helps me.  Otherwise I might not know what to do next...

18 hours ago, tnd said:

Having to deal with issues like paperwork is hard and it's stressful.

Yes.  And after learning my sister had a stroke yesterday, everyone thinks I should "do something," but I can't do anything, she is extremely stubborn and uncooperative and refuses medical treatment.  She will not even see a doctor.  What will be will be.  I can't save her from herself.  I need to let go of everything...

18 hours ago, tnd said:

they often complain of not having money and sometimes there is very little food

Can someone take you to sign up for food stamps?  You should be eligible with no income, at least that could be contributory.

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

What will be will be.

KayC,

This was something that my loving wife had started saying just recently prior to her death, because "we" were having issues with things we couldn't control no matter what we did it wasn't always the outcome that we felt it should be. Sadly what happened is the "perfect" example of it. My friend was famous for not doing what he should and we were frustrated to say the least and MIL blood sugar was another example and that is why we were looking forward to the time when we didn't have to worry about anyone but ourselves and that worked out well didn't it. This is one of the hardest parts about her death for me, that it isn't right how things "played" out. I know that life "happens" and you are never in full control of how things end up but this is the worst and hardest part of my life. I understand that no one was ever guaranteed an easy existence but why does it have to be so hard for some versus others.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Can someone take you to sign up for food stamps?  You should be eligible with no income, at least that could be contributory.

KayC:  I was able to apply online. They approved me in less than a week. I get a whopping $160/month. Gave it (EBT card) to Francis to get food. Wish my Widows Benefits could be approved that fast. 

[John9]

3 minutes ago, tnd said:

KayC:  I was able to apply online. They approved me in less than a week. I get a whopping $160/month. Gave it (EBT card) to Francis to get food. Wish my Widows Benefits could be approved that fast.

That is great and also an example of how things should work. When I filed for benefits the only thing you can't apply online for is the Widow/Widowers benefits which makes no sense. At least let the person get the preliminary paperwork into the system and then you would know what you need and who you need to contact (Doctors or whoever) but no it is the we will get to it when we get to it scenario. It just bothers me how wasteful the Government is on one hand and how ill-prepared and underfunded they are on the other.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

I understand that no one was ever guaranteed an easy existence but why does it have to be so hard for some versus others.

John9:  My husband and I both were asking this question. I don't think it can be answered. But I still wonder how it is that there are people who seemingly skate by in life. What makes it even harder is when some of those people berate us or criticize us and try telling us what we should/should not do, all without ever having experienced being in the same situation themselves. And I'm not just talking about grief. For instance, when my brother was still helping me, he said my SIL would be calling me to go over my budget. And then when she called, the first thing she said was something like "let's see where you might be wasting money"....insulting me. And this came from a woman who went straight from living with her mommy to marrying my brother...she doesn't work and has never had to pay her own way. I was so offended. Anyways, she's a good example of one of those people who have skated by in life.   

[tnd]

1 minute ago, John9 said:

When I filed for benefits the only thing you can't apply online for is the Widow/Widowers benefits which makes no sense.

John9:  To continue receiving food stamps one of the documents they want from me is Verification of Residency. I can submit pictures of my mail that has been delivered here to me. What's stupid tho, is that the very letter asking me for documents was mailed to me at the address I am at....they used it themselves. And yet, they will approve cash to people they have no history on record with. Don't get me wrong, I am darn glad I was approved but how many are getting cash that shouldn't be? They gave me the cash first and then asked for documents. The old auditor in me wants to write this up. We have a very backward or bizarre system and I doubt very many politicians if any even know about things like this. 

At a previous job, I came across a serious case of fraud and remember being unable to get the attention of higher ups. However, a manager in the fraud dept., who happened to be a retired FBI agent, acted very quickly. Within 2 months the FBI made arrests. I was made privy to their report. My own reporting on it to get the ball rolling was more than justified. I've learned that people high up or with titles aren't necessarily worth a hill of beans. Makes me wonder how they got to where they are.   

[John9]

2 minutes ago, tnd said:

Makes me wonder how they got to where they are.  

tnd,

The saying "it's not what you know, it's who you know" comes to mind. I believe that too many people are just burned out in their jobs and are trying to make it till the can retire or until they are so fed up that they just quit. My loving wife was always on edge and contemplating quitting but she loved her clients and kept going to work even though she felt like no one listened to her when she tried to bring a problem or issue to "management". I hate that she died feeling that way but I haven't heard from them really since the Memorial and they never followed through on what they said. That is just a classic example of what I am dealing with and going through where nobody wants to do what they say they will do. I am of the mindset that if you didn't say anything then it wouldn't be an issue but when you say you will do something and don't then I am angry and sad and frustrated all on top of dealing with the grief I am going through which just starts the whole cycle all over again. I have known many in management who avoid anything that will cause them more paperwork or bring negative attention on them so they do only the bare minimum to survive until the next round of layoffs come. Sadly when it comes to how things should be you can't teach common sense and most "places" run on the, this is the way we have always done it principle or the it's not my job.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I have known many in management who avoid anything that will cause them more paperwork or bring negative attention on them so they do only the bare minimum to survive until the next round of layoffs come.

John9:  And layoffs there were! But when I took another auditing job with another company and they wanted to ignore AND cover things up, I quit. I was not about to go to jail for them. And I was sick of going to a job every day where no one cares about doing the right thing, let alone quality or abiding by laws. I'm the type that I always felt that since I had to work, I may as well enjoy what I do and do it to the best of my abilities. And from there, I planned my next move...to grow and expand my skills and yes, for the paycheck. I didn't want to be stuck at a job I hated. Figured if I had to be at a job all day I may as well at least be interested in the work and make my time worthwhile. I could have never just sat and twiddled my thumbs. So titles don't impress me. That's not how I roll. And if I didn't like a job, I always lined up another one before quitting. But the very last job I had was just too much. I had already been through BS and had enough with those who climbed the corporate ladder only to sit on their heinies and ignore things, including employees, let alone financial loss. 

I don't know why it is that some people skate by in life and some don't even care. About anything or anyone but themselves. 

[John9]

24 minutes ago, tnd said:

I don't know why it is that some people skate by in life and some don't even care. About anything or anyone but themselves. 

tnd,

And therein lies the problem. People don't seem to care about anyone any more (I don't mean here). It is like the only thing that matters it making money and having stuff and showing it all off. And (anti)-Social media is a whole other problem contributing to these matters, everyone has to be "bigger" than the other person. It used to be that the saying the more I  know people the more I love my "animal" was a joke, now it is a mantra and a fact. I stayed in jobs that I didn't "love" because I believed in the place but I didn't totally hate them and I liked the people who worked there. I am just now at the phase or part of my life that I look back and say I could have done something different and spent that time with my loving wife, but I didn't know did I and these thought just roll around in my head and make it all so frustrating. What, Why, How, When, Would Have, Could Have, Should Have. Not new thoughts just the same ones resurfacing repeatedly and making an already bad situation seem so much worse. These thoughts also bring to the forefront just how much I miss my loving wife more and more each and every day and every night and makes the loneliness.......

[KayC]

22 hours ago, John9 said:

why does it have to be so hard for some versus others.

I don't know.  If I tried to analyze it (and I'm highly analytical!) I'd probably drive myself nuts with it.  I don't have any answers to "why" and finally quit asking.  Would I understand or agree with it if someone (God) TOLD me?  Likely not!  It's incomprehensible to us...HE may understand but my brain is more minute than a pea compared to His!

I DO know that I have learned a tremendous amount in the last 16+ years.  It has been rich with lessons that I arm myself with now in my current/future battles/struggles/challenges.  Would any of us gladly exchange those rich lessons and nuggets of gold to be with them again for just five minutes!  You betcha!  In a heartbeat!  We are human and our love is stronger than anything.  But that is not our choice, so I do choose to treasure all I have gleaned on this journey.

17 hours ago, tnd said:

What makes it even harder is when some of those people berate us or criticize us and try telling us what we should/should not do, all without ever having experienced being in the same situation themselves.

Yes I can see my DIL saying something impudent like this!  She who has never had to fend for herself!  My son is paying off HER student loans, which he didn't see HOW it could be $30,000 for a bachelor's degree in medical billing!  I literally SAVED a clinic from going under after a bookkeeper set fire to the books after she embezzled about $200,000 (this was 44 years ago, it was the equivalent of a million dollars back then)...I did this without her degree and so much more!  But she had the nerve to tell me I couldn't do what she did!  Ha!  I told her I did and a whole lot MORE!  Back in the day when we had to memorize code, not just do "data entry."  That was the worst insult ever hurled at me!  I RAISED this son that is now her sugar daddy and takes care of her every whim!  And he put himself through college with three engineering degrees, with a 4.0, summa cum laude, commencement speaker, with NO DEBT!  She even told her mother she "put him through college"...uh, no!!!  She did nothing for him to achieve this!  She told her this on his graduation day when we were walking out.  It took everything within me not to belt her in the mouth!  Who tries to steal their husband's well deserved honor!!  

We rue the day your brother/my son married them.  Sigh.  We have to let go of what we cannot change...my continual mantra.

17 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't know why it is that some people skate by in life and some don't even care. About anything or anyone but themselves. 

My sister is like that (Peggy), she was never there for anyone else, yet expects everyone to be there for her.  I don't know where she got her mindset.

16 hours ago, John9 said:

I  know people the more I love my "animal"

Hey, I get that!  We stand to learn a lot from dogs!

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

We stand to learn a lot from dogs!

KayC,

Cats too because they definitely don't care what anyone thinks about them.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Who tries to steal their husband's well deserved honor!!  

Sadly, many people go through life taking credit for others accomplishments and laying blame on others for their own faults. I don't want or seek praise but please don't blame and criticize me either, even if I deserve it because trust me I am already blaming myself if I am aware I was wrong. This is one of many things I miss about my loving wife, she was too nice when it came to others and too critical on herself. Always finding fault in her own "work" but willing to overlook other peoples errors or mistakes, I do it also but not quite like she did.

I also understand and accept that I am nothing in comparison to God and don't believe I would ever understand anything in regards to his decisions and plans. I don't even want to ask him why, I just want to be with my loving wife and the reasons won't matter at that point will it. I can't stop my brain while I am cycling through my grief but it isn't going to change anything even if he stood before me or I before him and he detailed every little factor of "our" life and why things happened. I just want the chance to be with my loving wife and I would like it soon so my pain is over because it really is getting harder each day with each new issue that is thrown at me. I just left the Attorney in regards to MIL and it is another hurry up and wait, because it might take a month to receive an answer as to whether they can file one type of "case" or another and if not then I may have to wait until January 2022 to begin again with the other type of case. I told them I am not in control and if anything does work in my favor I will be surprised. He said if there were 27 things that can happen with an estate, I have had 22 of them happen with all of the legal issues and that it has never happened like this in his 35 years of practice. He jokingly said that with all of the experience I am getting I could get a job as a paralegal. Funny, not funny, but I laughed and said it was to keep from crying again and in front of them.

[tnd]

19 hours ago, John9 said:

What, Why, How, When, Would Have, Could Have, Should Have. Not new thoughts just the same ones resurfacing repeatedly and making an already bad situation seem so much worse. These thoughts also bring to the forefront just how much I miss my loving wife more and more each and every day and every night and makes the loneliness...

John9: I hope you are not blaming yourself for anything or feeling guilty. I have these same thoughts too. Over and over again and it makes me feel even worse. I cry harder and exhaust myself with it. Does us no good. We can't go back and change things and no matter what, nothing will bring us back our loved ones. That's why you are in so much pain. That's why I am in so much pain. All of us on here are. This grief is one big pain-fest. And then I'm afraid that if I ever reach a point where I don't feel this pain anymore, will it mean I've forgotten my husband? I don't want to ever forget him. But to keep his memory alive and with me as I get through each day means I'm going to continue feeling pain. I can only hope our pain will lessen. Some say it does. I am willing to carry some of the pain with me for the rest of my life, so long as I can also have a life. Guess we have to roll with it. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

This grief is one big pain-fest. And then I'm afraid that if I ever reach a point where I don't feel this pain anymore, will it mean I've forgotten my husband? I don't want to ever forget him. But to keep his memory alive and with me as I get through each day means I'm going to continue feeling pain. I can only hope our pain will lessen. Some say it does. I am willing to carry some of the pain with me for the rest of my life, so long as I can also have a life. Guess we have to roll with it. 

Yes, I think "one big pain-fest" really sums it up well.

I will only speak for myself, so take from it what you will.  I do not believe that there will ever come a time when I do not feel the pain and sadness in my heart.  I'm not even sure I'd say it's lessened, but it has evolved into something I can live with and carry while I figure out a life I can live without him.  I can now feel happiness, a different kind of happiness, but I find good in life more often these days.  Now I don't just live with the memories and images of his last months and his last breath because I have been able to bring more than 35 years of memories to mix in with them.  The loving, joyous, silly, and even "boring" are all now part of what I see in my mind and feel in my heart every day.  They are all part of the whole of our life together and I accept that grief will forever be a part of it.

I consider it my responsibility to keep his memory alive because he matters, his life and love matter.  The price, if you will, of finding our soulmates and giving ourselves fully to them and our lives together is that when we lose them, a part of us dies as well.  Even knowing I'd be where I am now, I would still jump in with my whole heart because he was worth it. 

It's good that your perspective has shifted just a little so that you think about having a life going forward, rather than thinking only about giving up.  Believe me, I felt like giving up too.  You're right that all we can do is roll with whatever comes.  Please keep grasping and embracing the small good things because that's the only way to start slowly moving forward into that different life.  At least, that's how it has been for me.

[John9]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

John9: I hope you are not blaming yourself for anything or feeling guilty.

tnd,

Of course I blame myself because I am still here and my loving wife isn't. I understand what you mean but I can't stop the thoughts and like you I am afraid that I will "forget" her. I know that as long as my brain (broken or not) can process any thoughts I will remember my loving wife. I am not able at this time to look ahead with any sort of hope and it does hurt me and that makes each day harder and harder. I take hope from you and the others here that have hope and have made the transition to at least be able to "function". I am alive and I am trying but I don't know when things are going to get any easier because it just keeps coming.

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I consider it my responsibility to keep his memory alive because he matters, his life and love matter.  The price, if you will, of finding our soulmates and giving ourselves fully to them and our lives together is that when we lose them, a part of us dies as well.  Even knowing I'd be where I am now, I would still jump in with my whole heart because he was worth it. 

foreverhis,

I do feel this way about my loving wife as well, I am just having so much trouble dealing with everything and even the deaths I thought I was "over" are now coming back and causing me pain, as I said my Mother died almost 60 years ago and I don't even remember her and it hurts. I was cutting a tree the other day that fell and all I could think of was that my loving wife would be out there worrying about me and making sure I was alright because that is what she did and it made me cry and it wasn't good because I was using a chainsaw at the time. I am crying right now as I am typing this because no matter what happy memories I have they all turn sad at some point because.....

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

I am crying right now as I am typing this because no matter what happy memories I have they all turn sad at some point because.....

...because it's only been six months since you lost the love of your life.  I'm not surprised that everything you're going through now is bringing back previous losses.  I hope for you that some day down the road, you will be able to hold the happy memories more and let them temper the pain you will always feel.  I'm in my fourth year now and it's only been in the last year or so that I have truly been able to do that.

[John9]

foreverhis,

Thank you and I just never thought I would be going through THIS and reliving all of the other losses too. I have said that I have had many in my life and I thought I had "processed" them but I guess we never really do. I probably never realized the fact that I was "off" on certain days or certain times because of my loving wife but now without her EVERYTHING is just wrong. This just hurts so much and nothing really matters anymore, I don't want to do anything not even what I have to do. I do it but I don't want to and nothing brings me any satisfaction like it used to. I hate this feeling and I hate this phase of LIFE because it isn't living at least not for me.

[KayC]

On 10/21/2021 at 8:57 AM, John9 said:

Cats too because they definitely don't care what anyone thinks about them.

LOL!  That made me spit out my coffee, thanks for that!  I've had cats all my adult life and loved them all, each one very unique....after losing 25 year old Kitty nearly two years ago, I never had gotten another one, although I'd like to someday.  I miss her, we got esp. close, her, Miss Mocha, Arlie, and myself, now I'm the only one of our little family that's left.  I'm so thankful to have Kodie, he gives me incentive to go on and brightens my day.  Not sure how he'd do with a cat, he was a little 4 1/2 lbs ball of fluff when I got him and Kitty kept him at bay, she died four weeks later.  It's true, cats rule the roost.  I miss her sitting on the stepstool in the kitchen, demanding her Easy Cheese, which I bought just for her.  It must not have hurt her, she sure lived a long time!

On 10/21/2021 at 8:57 AM, John9 said:

the reasons won't matter at that point will it.

That's how I look at it too, it'll all be a moot point when we have our joyous reunion!  I think it's hard for most of us NOT to question "why" in that first year, we're trying to make sense of the nonsensical, and nothing about it seems fair or right!  It really wasn't until no answer was ever forthcoming that I quit asking and had to accept that there either wasn't an answer/reason or not one I could understand or agree with. 

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

to keep his memory alive because he matters, his life and love matter.

Yes!  This week was our anniversary, would have been our 20th, doesn't mean anything to anyone but me now but still I posted in his honor on FB...no one calls or remembers or cares, but I do and I don't want him forgotten.  I got a sweet response from a lady who was a store clerk he always got coffee from...she always commented on his "fish shirt" so when he died, I brought it to her for her husband.  

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I would still jump in with my whole heart because he was worth it. 

Oh absolutely, without hesitation, even knowing what it's cost me!  Because the truth is he was the best part of my life, him and my kids...and some of the animals I've had.  I've never seen a more caring man that him, not ever and would not do away with one second of our time together.

You are absolutely right that new losses bring up old ones afresh, they can be hard to separate, so important to grieve separately but often easier said than done.  When Arlie died I felt as I did when George died, I couldn't tell how much was bringing the former loss to the surface and how much was solely Arlie, but it felt just as painful.
Multiple Losses

 

[John9]

51 minutes ago, KayC said:

It must not have hurt her, she sure lived a long time!

KayC,

I think our animals are just like "us", some can eat just about anything that isn't bad (poisonous) for them and have no issues and others have a bad reaction to things that are supposed to be good for them. One of the cats we had always "screamed" for powdered creamer and I used it as a treat after I trimmed his nails. We had a Cornish Rex that always ate Cheerios and corn on the cob

[KayC]

That is too funny!  It's on my list of "do not give dogs" (corn on the cob) but doesn't say about cats!  Amazing...

[John9]

KayC,

We always gave it to the dogs too. Just made sure to hold it.

[John9]

[John9]

I want to say that yesterday was not a good day and other than the obvious, I don't know why. I had a bad night last night also too much going through my brain and I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep and had to get up too early this morning which makes it worse. Today being a Saturday which as I have said (too) many times was our time and it is 31 weeks which means that I haven't had the ability to touch her, hold her, kiss her, love her and it is terrible and each day and week is so much worse and harder. I know I probably shouldn't "know" exactly how many days or weeks it is but as I said I always was a person who kept track of things for everyone and every reason and it "helps" me to try to keep doing it. It just feels like my head is going to explode and my chest too and I don't mean that I am having a heart attack, it is empty but not empty I feel the heartbeat. I know I am alive which makes it all that much worse because as I said before without my loving wife this isn't any kind of life for me.

[tnd]

On 10/21/2021 at 2:37 PM, foreverhis said:

he price, if you will, of finding our soulmates and giving ourselves fully to them and our lives together is that when we lose them, a part of us dies as well.  Even knowing I'd be where I am now, I would still jump in with my whole heart because he was worth it. 

foreverhis:  You are right; when my husband died a part of me died, too. Key word here is "part", not all of me. I'd do it all again, too. 

I realize that this void I feel (the part of me that died) has to be planted and grown into something new. Something else that can bring me happiness. And so the search for whatever that happiness will be begins. Still going to grieve, though. Did a lot of that last night. Thank you so much for your kind words and input, foreverhis. You are always so calming. 

[KayC]

(((hugs to all)))

[John9]

KayC,

Hugs to you as well, thank you.

[John9]

So, last night was not a good night and it is raining this morning which probably has something to do with it. The aches and pains are worse when the weather is bad as most who have issues know. But also today is the service for the "good" sisters daughter and I am not looking forward to that but I have to be there to support her and her family. She told me yesterday that if it wasn't for the grandchildren she wouldn't have done this and I know what she means because we had no services for my loving wife and MIL mostly because we couldn't handle it but also because there was nobody but us to come to it. Her daughter has friends my loving wife and I have none to speak of. I already told our son, tell people or not it is up to him. I know the funerals aren't for the deceased but if nobody was around when you are alive why come when you are dead and say "we should have" which is what my loving wife's family said after she died and still didn't for MIL. She and her other daughter are at the stage where they are out of things that need to be done and it is starting to be real and you all know how the down or alone time hits hard.

[tnd]

 

4 hours ago, John9 said:

today is the service for the "good" sisters daughter and I am not looking forward to that

John9:  I am sorry you have a funeral to attend. I know you feel obligated to and want to do the right thing but still, I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't attend funerals. Or I should say "I don't attend funerals anymore". There was a time in my life when I lost 13 people in 2 1/2 years time. Their deaths ranged from illness, accidental, old-age, suicide and even murder. I attended many funerals. But after the last one and having to stand in cold, pouring rain while my friend was lowered into a muddy hole I decided I would never go to a single funeral again. And I haven't. Just can't handle them. By the time I attended that last one I remember sitting in the front row at the church, with my friend lying in a casket just a few feet away. His funeral came just 3 weeks after I had attended 2 other funerals. So, I sat there in disbelief when suddenly I asked a friend sitting next to me how could we be sure that our friend was really inside that casket? And I started to get up and go towards it. Thank goodness my friend grabbed me and sat me back down before I could lift the lid to the casket. It was horrible. And then we had to bury him in that awful cold mud at the cemetery. So no, I don't attend funerals anymore. 

[John9]

tnd,

Today was the "viewing" for the "good" sisters daughter, only because the children wanted to say goodbye to their Mother. They are having her cremated because most have accepted that nobody can or does visit a Cemetery anymore. Luckily it was not a gravesite because yes it rained all day today. I do agree about Funerals in general but they are for the living and if that is what someone wants that's okay. We couldn't do it for my loving wife because I couldn't bear to see her laid out for days and the same with MIL also. I had stated before that there really wouldn't be anyone there anyway. And it was hard on everyone today and harder for some more than others but hopefully they got the closure that they needed. There was a Celebration of Life afterwards and it was "happier" but it will still hit them later as it does all of us.

[KayC]

John, I hope you and the good sister both got through it okay, as well as anyone can, it's hard at best.  It still doesn't seem real.  How can life be and then just gone?  It doesn't make any sense to my brain.  Holding you in my thoughts...

[John9]

KayC,

No it doesn't seem real and I don't think it ever will. We just can't understand why there has to be this at all and let alone so much so soon. No time to grieve any one personal loss and then another and another.....As everyone knows grief is personal and I can't begin to understand her grief about losing her First born Daughter at a young age and I haven't experienced that and she truly tries to understand the loss of my loving wife but it isn't something she has experienced that. We are trying to help each other but it is hard.

[KayC]

While neither of you can fully comprehend the uniqueness of each other's loss....and that is true for us all even though we've lost a spouse, yet each of our relationships are as unique as we are, hence so is our loss...you CAN comprehend grief and how traumatizing and hard hitting this is for each other.  I'm sure you'll both have great empathy for one another.

[John9]

So another rainy crappy Saturday and it is not getting any better. I had to get out of the house because I was going crazy and it didn't make any difference because the craziness is now a part of me so it follows. There are no distractions that work for me because there is just too much turmoil in my head.

[foreverhis]

On 10/18/2021 at 11:59 AM, tnd said:

But explaining it to other people is almost just as hard.

I came to the understanding fairly early on that this grief cannot be explained to anyone who hasn't experienced it.  I have told some people who truly want to understand as much as they can that no words exist that can express it.  It's such an intimate, unique journey that we can't always explain it to each other here.  But at least we know that the others here understand their own grief and we know how many things about it are similar or even the same.  As well, we don't judge each other; we don't give platitudes (IMO, one day at a time is not a platitude, it's a simple truth); we listen, comfort, and help however we can.  That's what makes this such a safe space to express anything and everything.

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

So another rainy crappy Saturday and it is not getting any better.

Same here, another miserable, drab and gloomy rainy day. It seems like every weekend it rains now.  I got out of the house to go for therapy on my shoulder, and then went to see my granddaughter who was born last Friday, two days before my wife's one year anniversary of her passing. My MIL and SIL came as well and they both agreed that the baby looked like my wife a bit. I'll be glad when October's over. Too many bittersweet occasions happening in a short time span. 

[foreverhis]

36 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

Same here, another miserable, drab and gloomy rainy day.

Not rainy, but back to cold, windy, and misty here on the coast.  I don't know where you are in Canada, but  you might know about these.  I had one bright spot today.  I am starting to clear my fridge and storage freezer a bit in preparation for fumigation.  There's a little company out of Seattle that makes fudge and other goodies.  I had one of their Nanaimo bars in the freezer so I invited a friend over to share it.  She'd never even heard of them and was thrilled to come visit, chat, and share a treat. 

My grandma was born in Quebec province, but moved to the PNW when she married my grandpa (also originally from Quebec by way of Alsace and Brittany first).  She was an amazing cook and baker, and had her own version of the Nanaimo bar.  It's like a bit of warm childhood every time I treat myself to a good one.  So my really crappy day wasn't quite as awful as it might have been.

[John9]

23 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

So my really crappy day wasn't quite as awful as it might have been.

foreverhis,

I am glad you had a glimmer of "brightness" in a gloomy day. I do try to find something but it isn't coming and I still don't know how this gets any easier. As I have said nothing brings joy or pleasure or enjoyment not even when the sun does shine. The days are getting shorter so the darkness creeps in sooner both figuratively and realistically. I am sorry but I hate this stage of this so called life.

[John9]

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

Too many bittersweet occasions happening in a short time span. 

Sparky1,

I don't have the bittersweet ones, but there are definitely too many things happening too soon (and too much). I am sorry that the anniversary was hard on you and I am sure that if I am still alive on the anniversary of my loving wife's death it will crush me even more than I am now. All of the various meaningful dates that have passed have been worse than the previous ones and now the holidays are approaching and I hate it. My loving wife always looked forward to Thanksgiving (US) and loved when people would and could visit for Christmas and now they are just "days" that will be constant reminders of more things I am missing and won't be able to have again.

[foreverhis]

4 minutes ago, John9 said:

I still don't know how this gets any easier.

Honestly, I don't know how it does and did either.  I actually don't like the word "easier" as it relates to this.  It's not that it's easier or better; it's more that my grief is not the crushing weight it was.  I'm learning to carry it with me as part of my life, along with everything good that happened because we found each other and because he loved me.

For me, small moments of respite started after about a year, but I didn't "see" that at first.  I had seen little glimmers of hope and light, but hadn't been able (or maybe willing, I don't know) to grasp them.  After 2 years, those moments turned into hours of time when my entire world didn't center on how much pain I was in.  I don't miss John any less than I did that first day I woke up knowing I was truly alone, but that missing is no longer all-and-everything that it was for a pretty long time.  The thing is that I don't exactly know how or when it happened because each baby step was so imperceptible at the time.

That's not to say I don't have days down in the dark pit now.  Of course I do.  Yet those days aren't as frequent and aren't as dark.  Over time, it's become bearable to let the waves of grief wash over me when they will because they no longer drown me.

I got really sick of hearing about time helping (not healing), but it turned out to be true.

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

My MIL and SIL came as well and they both agreed that the baby looked like my wife a bit.

Aww, that must have felt good to see.  What is going on with your shoulder!  Wishing you well with it...

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

this grief cannot be explained to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

I agree.  We can try our best but we get the look that says "nobody's home."  Mike made some glib statements about grief a while back (doesn't believe in it), I only hope and pray he doesn't have to find out the hard way as his wife has cancer that has not been treated and it's way past time, breast doubled, in the lymph glands several months now too.