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John9

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On 1/5/2022 at 12:41 PM, John9 said:

At least I have one thing off of my "wobbly" plate. One less thing that our son won't have to worry about if I die soon.

John9:  Glad something finally went your way. It's always good to be able to check something off your list. For me, if something goes wrong it feels like an enormous problem but when something goes right, no matter how small, feels really good. I take whatever I can get....a little bit of good goes a long ways but only if I make it stretch. I am learning that I almost have to play a mind game with my grief (and also with the Sarcoidosis). Little things that didn't use to matter so much now matter. I am having to look at life in a whole different way.  This is survival and a heck of a lot better than crying my head off all day.  

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14 minutes ago, tnd said:

Little things that didn't use to matter so much now matter.

tnd,

It is the same with me, life has always presented challenges and after a while you learn to deal with it. However with the grieving and everything else, I literally cry over spilled milk or something minor like that. It is a real challenge and I hate to keep harping on it but it is getting worse each day. I keep trying to figure it out but the questions bring more questions and no real answers. I am still not able to make it through the day without crying pretty much all day, but I hope you are able to.

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16 minutes ago, John9 said:

I keep trying to figure it out but the questions bring more questions and no real answers.

John9:  I try to use a "tool" that a psychiatrist once gave (taught) me. When I feel some sort of attack coming on, like anxiety or crying, I take a step back and take a big slow breath, literally. She had said just a few seconds of doing that can be enough for the brain to shift down a gear. It's part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. 

Years back I saw a psychiatrist because I was so stressed out that I thought I was going to have a break down. I used to have to stop shopping and leave my groceries at the store and run out because an "attack" would hit me. It was awful. My mind would start racing and I felt panicky and like crying. Felt like the walls were closing in on me and I couldn't turn off whatever it was that I was worrying about. The doctor taught me a few things and since then, I call them "tools" because I use them when I feel broken. I happen to have a few tools in my toolchest. lol Every little bit helps....

Another tool I use is asking myself what is the worst thing that could happen if xyz doesn't get done or works out. I find that in most cases, things will be okay and not as bad as I fear. But I admit, not every situation goes like that for me. It's not always so simple. Obviously I still worry and stress out. Guess I just have to ride things out. It's just that I've been waiting a long time now.  

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tnd,

I have said before that I have been challenged pretty much all my life, and yes obviously I have survived all of them (or most at least). These challenges did not prepare me for this type of situation. I was always a problem solver, it was what I did and how I survived too. I have tried the breathing exercises and I can't say it doesn't help but I still cry still. I will always take advise and any help I can get. As I have said before I am trying each day and I keep going through the motions.

 

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6 hours ago, John9 said:

I have said before that I have been challenged pretty much all my life, and yes obviously I have survived all of them (or most at least).

John9:  In that song titled "Superman (It's Not Easy)", he sings that "even heroes have the right to bleed". Actually, I like and agree with ALL the lyrics to this song. Some of us and I'm one of them, have always been "the strong one"...never complaining no matter how much pain I was in or how wrong I was being treated and always, always there to help someone. But gosh dang, just once I'd like to be "weak" or what I consider "normal'. I want to cry if I want, I want to complain if I want and I want to help myself more than I help others right now. So, I am a survivor too but shouldn't mean that we don't get to cry and feel lousy. Even heroes have the right to bleed...YOU are trying. THAT is worth SOMETHING. Keep it up. 

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John9. 

I take your comments to heart.  Right now my estate is a mess, in that little dribs and drabs of money are in various accounts that will be hard for the boys to even find.  My kids would have to do a whole lot of work to access these small amounts of money. I need to consolidate everything into one or two accounts. Then at least it will be worth their time to collect.

My biggest asset is my house, and I should do whatever can be done so they can sell the house quickly and easily. The biggest part of that is getting rid of all the worthless clutter that now fills the house and clearly marking things that have value and explaining what they are.

It will be time consuming for me, but will save them much time later. 

I really do hope I can focus on getting my finances in order.  It will give me peace of mind for the years I have remaining. 

Gail

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2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

My biggest asset is my house, and I should do whatever can be done so they can sell the house quickly and easily.

I have decided to put the house into a trust so that it can transfer directly without probate.  The accounts, my one small life insurance, and even the car all have beneficiaries or are TOD.  My sister has agreed to be my executor.  Our daughter simply couldn't handle it, but my baby sister can.  My SIL (John's sister) is my medical PoA because she's the perfect person for it.  I know she will follow my instructions without question and will fight to make sure what I want is what happens when/if the time comes.

Our sister (by choice) lost her mom (also a dear friend) suddenly and, even though her dad was still alive then, the estate was a mess.  It took nearly 3 years to go through probate.  I went to my parents and said, "You are not doing that to us!"  They agreed and finally updated their wills, which had guardians for us kids--I was married and a mom myself by then and my sister was in college!  They made me PoA on everything.  When they retired, they downsized and got rid of quite a bit.  They gave each of us a bit of the gains from the sale of their home to add to our own home funds, which allowed all three of us to purchase modest homes.  Then they simply gave us small gifts of money for travel or home expenses and things like that.  They got to enjoy things with us while they were still alive.  As they were both school teachers, they were far from wealthy, but they had saved enough.  Growing up, we didn't get fancy vacations like some of our friends.  Instead, we took long camping trips every summer and long weekends camping locally and beach or city days.  I had been across the United States and most of Canada twice by the time I was 15.  My friends got hotels/resorts, snazzy souvenirs, and things like that.  We got pictures and memories (and I got a traditional charm bracelet at the age of 8 that had at least 60 charms on it by the time I started college).  Ask me which I think is better...  John and I mostly did the same thing in our marriage; lots of camping, city visits (memberships at museums, the Academy of Sciences, and the Monterey Bay aquarium so we could just take the girls and go for the day), the beach and park, and hikes and biking.  The girls thrived.

After my dad died, my mom put John and me on her accounts, updated her 403B and retirement beneficiaries, and added us to their mobile home as JTRS.  No probate; no fuss.  I was executor and made sure my siblings had the information they needed to claim their specific accounts.  She was smart and didn't just "in equal shares" everything, but listed specific beneficiaries at percentages or in full.  None of them were huge, but the money was significant enough to make a difference.  She even designated our daughter on one of them, which was so sweet because it allowed our daughter to pay off her debt.  She designated or had already given specific items to family and friends.

Then John and I transferred the mobile to our names alone.  She literally left it to us in thanks for me and John being there and taking care of her and my dad, and then later just her, for 15 years.  We were 5 minutes away, where my two siblings were hours.  Plus, I had been the designated "good girl" my whole life and had been given the bulk of chores, etc. growing up.  My sister said, "That's great.  You and John earned it!"  My brother stopped speaking to us.  We spent months getting the place ready to sell and then used the money to pay down our mortgage.  And I was so thankful that she had made it that "easy" for us.

And there's my saga of why I have been working to make sure that my sister doesn't have to go through probate and so that everything will go to exactly who I want.  My parents and John instilled in me the need to make memories instead of having lots of "stuff" and to make it as easy as possible for our girls when my time comes.

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Thank you for the great advice  foreverhis.  I reviewed all my stuff about 6 months after my wife passed.  Updated beneficiaries, added my daughter to my accounts, etc.  I will review everything again in case I missed something. 
 

You obviously have some beautiful memories of your husband and family.  The “new” car smell of stuff wears off quickly for me. Nothing can replace quality time with family and friends. 

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When I have my place paid off I'll be 75-79 years old and will need help with it, I've decided to brings my kids into this by having them help me clean it out and sell it and they can split the proceeds, I will probably move into a senior apt. next to my church if there's an opening, I can't while I'm still paying here as I can't afford double payments.  I think it will make it much easier than waiting until I die.  Will have my son on as POA as he's easier to reach than my daughter.  She doesn't answer the phone when she's working, which is pretty much most of the time.  I'll add him onto my bank account too.  I have a will in place in the meantime.  

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I have tried to make sure that our son is taken care of when I die. My biggest problem is that I am in a big mess with my friend's estate and now MIL's estate. If I die while still handling those, our son will have a bigger issue than if I just died. This is one of the many things that keeps me up at night and wakes me in the morning. Too many things rattling around in my head and it seems like more keeps being added and nothing resolved. I know it will probably never be perfect but it won't be from lack of trying on my part. I try not to worry but I can't help it because I have always been that way, I have always been the "WHAT IF" person or the one who worries about what could go wrong and sadly I have been correct too many times. I always say I am right about the wrong things. Seems like I'm never right about the positive only the negative, and not that I want to be it just seems that way. Sorry I 'm ranting again.

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John9, 

I find I have to write lists for everything. Much more so than before my husband died.  I don't know if my brain will ever go back to its pre-grief level of functioning, but writing lists to keep me on track is definitely a coping mechanism that I am still dependent on nearly 5 years out. 

Gail

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2 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I guess the brain's first priority is to sort out the grief, so everything else is unimportant.

Sparky1,

I understand what you mean. But this is important too and my brain just doesn't seem to want to "help" me. Everything is one step at a time which I also understand but it is so frustrating when everything seems to fail, which makes it all harder to deal with.

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17 hours ago, John9 said:

Hurry up and wait again

My daughter and her husband filed for divorce in February 2020, they have done NOTHING with it "because of Covid."  When is our country going to stop using Covid as an excuse not to do their jobs!!!  Single moms that ring up groceries still have to do THEIR jobs!!!  How can you just not do your job for two years!

Customer services seems to be a thing of the past.  I gave good service to my patients/clients, etc. over the years, where is it when it's my turn?!  I had a dermatology appt 60 miles away for tomorrow, good thing I called them, she won't be in tomorrow!  I asked when someone was going to let ME know!  I've had the appt. for three months!  Even verified it after she changed locations to 15 miles further away.  If I'd driven that far for nothing, heads would have rolled..  But alas this is our world now.  

John, I don't know how you're doing this.  My sister is leaving everything in such a mess I want to wash my hands of it.  And you shouldn't have to pay for anything!  This is nuts.  Why does the gov't make everything so friggin' difficult!!

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I find I have to write lists for everything. Much more so than before my husband died.  I don't know if my brain will ever go back to its pre-grief level of functioning, but writing lists to keep me on track is definitely a coping mechanism that I am still dependent on nearly 5 years out. 

 

Me too, I live by lists!  Want to know anything about my life?  It's in my spiral notebook/s.  If my place burned up I wouldn't know what to do w/o it.  I asked someone whose house burned down one time what she had missed the most...expecting her to say family photos, recipes, etc.  Instead she made me laugh with her candid answer:  "My Calendar!  I didn't know where to be and when!"  I get it, that's why I use Google Calendar.  It'd survive a fire.

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57 minutes ago, KayC said:

When is our country going to stop using Covid as an excuse not to do their jobs!!!  Single moms that ring up groceries still have to do THEIR jobs!!!  How can you just not do your job for two years!

Customer services seems to be a thing of the past.  I gave good service to my patients/clients, etc. over the years, where is it when it's my turn?!  I had a dermatology appt 60 miles away for tomorrow, good thing I called them, she won't be in tomorrow!  I asked when someone was going to let ME know!  I've had the appt. for three months!  Even verified it after she changed locations to 15 miles further away.  If I'd driven that far for nothing, heads would have rolled..  But alas this is our world now.  

John, I don't know how you're doing this.  My sister is leaving everything in such a mess I want to wash my hands of it.  And you shouldn't have to pay for anything!  This is nuts.  Why does the gov't make everything so friggin' difficult!!

KayC,

Sadly, in my opinion the excuses will always be there and since Covid is universal it works for them. I have said before that I don't understand much anymore and the lack of support from the professionals is terrible. And that is from top to bottom, the worst is of course the ones we can't do anything without like the Courts and such. But there is no reason for it to be left to you to verify that the Doctor will available for the appointment that you have scheduled. I know things come up but what I don't understand is, It's their job to do their job. They have no job if they have no "clients", so why alienate the very people who you rely on. Just venting my frustrations again into your situation. Sadly because MIL died with a house that had to go through Probate, everyone wants money and then if and when the house sells I can get my money back. Attorney's don't work for free and the court has there fees and there are still the bills that keep coming every month or so, like electric/gas/taxes/water/insurance...And that is why I said to try not to leave things a mess. I would walk away from it if I could because I don't see that there will be any money left after paying for everything and wouldn't be surprised if it loses money because of the condition and location of the house. It really needs a lot of work and I am not sure someone is willing to do it. Maybe I'm wrong but as I have said before I am right about the wrong things (like this).

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17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

John9, 

I find I have to write lists for everything. Much more so than before my husband died.  I don't know if my brain will ever go back to its pre-grief level of functioning, but writing lists to keep me on track is definitely a coping mechanism that I am still dependent on nearly 5 years out. 

Gail

Same for me, Gail. I have always been a list maker. Now if it’s not on the list, it doesn’t happen. Actually, it often doesn’t happen even when it is on the list!

I’m certain my brain will never be the same. Nothing will. We simply figure out how to cope with it bit by bit.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

I had a minor surgery and a LOT of pain (NOT in a good place), may need a repeat if the biopsy comes back malignant, hoping/praying it's benign...got home and discovered they gave me NO DIRECTIONS for aftercare!  WHAT?!!  I'll have to call them today.  Unreal.  This is what I'm talking about, this is a huge center, looks progressive enough, nope!  The building does not define the quality!  It's just lacking everywhere it seems.

KayC,

Hopefully all turns out well in regards to surgery. I hate to say this but the issue you had isn't exactly a new problem. Many years ago both my loving wife and I went through similar situations. I believe that it was the beginning of the decline in Customer Service in every aspect, Once somebody got away with it , they all did it. I used to be a joke but, yes now it is a unfortunate fact of life. The issue you are having with lack of information on your after care is a common problem and let's see if they blame you for it. What I mean is will they say that you should have known to ask what to do or don't do. I am not a young man, but neither am I an old man but I have aged many more years than the calendar says in the last two years. The saying about you are only as old as you feel means I should be dead, because I feel like the oldest person on the planet right now.

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@John9   John I'm so sorry for this, it's especially tough.  I can relate somewhat because 1 month ago was our wedding anniversary and the week leading up to it were nights of terrible sleep.  And then of course Christmas and New Year.  Hated it and glad it's over.  I thank God for the dreams I had of my wife during that stretch even though the sleep quality itself was awful. Wishing you well,

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So after waiting the 2 weeks the Pension Company told me to wait for the paperwork, I called them again this morning and the person said it was sent out BUT she could email them to me. WHY not email them weeks ago, so I received the paperwork AND guess what it is the wrong papers. I called again and after being on hold for 20 minutes, I was told that she would have to call me later to see what was going on. She called and said that yes they are the wrong papers and it will take them a couple of days to get the right ones to me. I will never understand what has happened to Businesses and the unorganized way they are run. I told them from day one back in September 2021 what I needed and asked how to do it and now I get to wait more. :angry2: Just venting some more because it is so frustrating to keep the hurry up and wait game. Nothing gets done and everyone still wants their money.

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OMG, John, this is exactly what I'm talking about in our ongoing thread in loss of pets section!  Total incompetence and uncaring.  :(  I hope you get somewhere eventually.  Good luck!  After watching what you're  going through, no way am I going to be executor to my  sister's estate, she never has shown any of us where her will is or put anyone on her bank account!  She says she's leaving everything to nieces/nephews, let them figure it out then.  How many years since she's even seen any of them!  Everything is on me all the time.  I don't need more stress.  My life is not desireable as it is!

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KayC,

Yes, I agree and have posted another comment on the pet site. I tried to not be the responsible one in regards to MIL but because I am in the will I was stuck. If things had been different and I could make changes I would have at least forced MIL or my loving wife to sell her house while she was still alive. But as things happened and with all else going on I wasn't ready to deal with it after my loving wife died because I was too busy keeping MIL alive and still dealing with my friends estate. Like I said it is really only going to benefit the Lawyer and the State with the fees they collect for Probate and such. I sometimes feel like I should have let everything just go to the city, county, or state and let them figure it out. Nobody seems to care that I can't do anything until "they" do their jobs and when they do it wrong it just takes more out of me and I am barely surviving as it is. I understand the feeling of everything being on you, and what makes it worse is the fact that it seems like it always will be. As I have said I tried to make our son "learn" how and what needs to be done, but it still falls to me because the Court said so.

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So today I received the correct forms in an email and after filling them out and getting ready to submit them online. I FIND out that all they had to do was direct me to the website in the first place and I could have filled it all out weeks or months ago. WHY do people not know the job they were hired for. So I submitted hopefully everything they want and need so it can be paid out and be done with that part.

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I just received an email from MIL's Attorney that the Hospital filed a claim against the estate for non-payment of debt. I have called 4 times about the bill and each time I was told not to worry about it and now they have turned it over to collection. Makes me want to scream and "punch" something or someone. The office asked what to do and I told them to make them jump through hoops now to get the money because I don't have any money, since I am fighting to receive the pension payout right now.

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tnd,

This is just the latest in a long line of issues that are not being handled correctly. I spoke to very nice people, they just don't do what they are supposed to do. I referenced an issue with informing a Company MIL and my loving wife died and they sent more mail with MIL name with deceased in front of it. They were supposed to remove her name and the mail the sent was something that only MIL would be able to use. I took the mail to the Customer service counter and the person couldn't explain it either. So I will probably just keep receiving reminders of all of the losses I have had in the last year. It is just so frustrating when I have to keep explaining it again and again.

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Oh John, I feel for you.  There is nothing my sister has, not even her house, that would make me want to do this in her state of affairs.  I barely get through my days as it is.  We all know what it's like without a partner to help us or even boost our morale.

If it was just one place sending you the mail you could have the post office return to sender but when there's a bunch of them, it's not so easy.  I printed out "return to sender" labels and slapped them on places I didn't want to hear from again.

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6 hours ago, John9 said:

I am only one person and can only do what I can do.

John9, those are wise words. 

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Oh John, I am so sorry.  It was kind of him to deliver the news in person, I can't imagine how hard that was for him.  Of course you'll go if you're able but large amounts of snow IS a factor, here we can't count on them plowing so it's always wait and see until the day of.  I hope is lesser rather than more (snow).  You're in my thoughts.  Don't take chances, take care of yourself.  :wub2:

Yes, wise words indeed.  I need to chant them to myself.

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On 2/1/2022 at 12:29 PM, John9 said:

He had a letter for me and decided to hand deliver it, His Father (my Uncle) died a few days ago and he wanted to make sure I knew.

John9:  I'm sorry about the news of your uncle. Surprised that someone (your cousin) hand-delivered that letter to you. Maybe he just wanted to do the right thing instead of it coming via snail mail and risk you hear the news before the letter arrived. Or maybe he needed to reach out to someone. 

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4 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  I'm sorry about the news of your uncle. Surprised that someone (your cousin) hand-delivered that letter to you. Maybe he just wanted to do the right thing instead of it coming via snail mail and risk you hear the news before the letter arrived. Or maybe he needed to reach out to someone. 

tnd,

I think my cousin delivered the letter because his Mother (my Aunt) wanted me to know in case I wanted to go to the Funeral Home. I had mentioned before that even though I was close with my Aunt and Uncle the only communication was at Christmas with a card and that was how I found out about mt Grandmother and another Aunt way after the fact. I wrote a letter when my loving wife died to let them know as soon as I could so as not to tell them at Christmas. My Uncle was my Mother's last sibling. My Mother was the oldest and he was the middle child and my Aunt who died a few years ago was the youngest. I went to the Funeral Home and it was nice to see my Aunt and my cousins but it was really the last place I wanted to be. That morning I received a notice from the Court that I have to go for Jury Duty in March and I am in no mood for that, I can barely function let alone decide the fate of someones future. I just want all of this to end.

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Let the court know your wife recently died and you're in brain fog, they should excuse you.  

I'm glad you got to go to the funeral home and that the snow wasn't great enough to deter you.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Let the court know your wife recently died and you're in brain fog, they should excuse you.  

I'm glad you got to go to the funeral home and that the snow wasn't great enough to deter you.

KayC,

I did send an email to the Court, but in the paperwork it says I need a Doctors letter and our Doctor doesn't do that. It will all come down to whether there is any compassion from whoever reads the email.

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Your doctor won't do that?  I'd get a new doctor!  How outrageous!  Do you have a grief counselor?  This is insane.

All you can do is when you go and they're selecting you can tell them you don't feel your brain could give a good verdict as you can't absorb/process anything right now, being heavily in early grief.  They will likely let you go.

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On 2/7/2022 at 10:45 AM, John9 said:

That morning I received a notice from the Court that I have to go for Jury Duty in March and I am in no mood for that, I can barely function let alone decide the fate of someones future.

John, a couple decades ago I received notice for jury duty. It was during a terrible rough patch in my life. I was medically depressed at the time (eerily similar to what I'm feeling in the grief now actually), and so in no state of mind to be serving on a jury.  I made this clear to the courts and wisely they understood and excused me from service.  I've never heard of a doctor that won't write a letter. Please consider calling your doctor and asserting in a very civilized polite way, that he/she must write you a letter. Surely there is still some empathy in the world.

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8 hours ago, John9 said:

I received a response from the Court, someone there actually seemed to read my email and I was excused from Jury Duty.

John, welcome news I am sure.  It's got to be a relief.  I would think that when it comes to the courts system, they would treat your situation with at least some degree of understanding if not compassion.  Doubtless they also considered what could be at stake for the person on trial.  At any rate, one less stressor for you.

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As I had commented, I received notice that I was excused from Jury Duty and I thought finally something positive going my way. And then I received notice from Probate Court that the paperwork that was submitted was done incorrectly so it was returned and needs to be corrected. This paperwork was required to be in place for 28 days so the final paperwork can be filed. So now I have to keep waiting for what seems to be forever all because someone didn't do the job they should know how to do. This is just another example of what I have been saying about 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards. I am just so worn out and tired from everything and want it to just be done and over.

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20 hours ago, John9 said:

I was excused from Jury Duty.

I am so glad!  My doctor changed at the beginning of Covid...I got a new one.  But it's hard to get seen by the new one, he's here part time and too many patients to get around to.  I may have to go back to commuting a long ways to the doctor, I hate switching but it doesn't do any good to have a great doctor if you can't see them!  Anyway, I'm glad you're out of jury duty. ;)

 

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I received notice from Probate Court that the paperwork that was submitted was done incorrectly so it was returned and needs to be corrected.

I am so sorry...but I'm still wondering why no one has bothered processing my daughter's simple agreed upon divorce after TWO YEARS of being in the court!  No one answers.  It's rare to find people who actually do their jobs anymore it seems.  :(

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