avoidance, feeling like coward, guilt..

[jinnycabbie]

hello all, i was wondering if anyone else felt similarly to the way i feel.....my dad passed away in hospice from lung cancer 2 months ago and because i am living in the US and due to the US-Canada border being closed, i could not make it to see him in person but was very much on the phone with him and family in his final days.   a big part of me was also feeling so triggered and traumatized that i was severely afraid of seeing my dad in such a horrific cancer ravaged condition.  my sisters and my mom all live in Canada and i am still for some reason *dreading* and avoiding seeing my family. i just want to be alone with my cat and my partner here and keep traveling to a minimum.   

my sister keeps pressuring me to come and see her but i really deep down feel like i am being torn so many directions and i want to just stay where i am i dont want to travel anywhere. i want to avoid my family.  my mom triggers me as she can be quite toxic and draining in general all my life.  she is quite invalidating and told me that i am not *allowed* to be sad or cry.  

my mom is very lonely and miserable refusing to live with my sister and her kids/hubby.  my mom wants to go on vacation with me somewhere nice and tropical but i have to focus on my work and school obligations and frankly, i feel drained and stressed and like crying thinking about spending time with her.  i think a part of the feeling is also dreading and saddened about seeing my mom aged and withered and frail.  

i just feel like the biggest coward and alot of guilt is eating me up every moment.....

 

anyone else out there who has felt like this ?

 

thank you all

 

[reader]

Dear jinnycabbie,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I hear you. Please know you have to do what is right for yourself.  I've been a people pleaser my whole life. Trying so hard to do what my sisters and my mom and dad wanted. When my dad passed away it was very hard. I wanted their support and kindness but it wasn't there. I think it would be okay to let your mom and sister know, you love them and care about them but feel now is not the right time to visit.  Let them know you need more time and maybe later when you are ready you might come for a visit. I hate disappointing people myself but I feel it's important to recognize your own feelings and to take care of yourself.

Thinking of you.

 

[LostWithoutMyMom]

I know exactly how you feel. I went to see my mom when the doctors said she had only 2-4 weeks left. I was terrified of being around her. I couldn’t wait to fly back home and told everyone that I will not be coming to visit her again. I was so afraid of seeing her in pain (cancer) or worse, I just couldn’t deal with it. I had also delivered a baby 3 weeks ago who couldn’t fly with me to see her cause he didn’t have a passport yet. She didn’t get to meet her first grandchild and I flew back. She was gone in 10 days after I left. I’m glad I didn’t have to see her gone but also feel guilty cause I should’ve been there. I was just so scared. I didn’t want to break down and I just didn’t think I could take it. So I distanced myself from her and we just video chatted. I loved her more than everyone else and I will never be whole again.

[jinnycabbie]

im very sorry for your loss.  i feel that you were being extremely brave and courageous -- i didnt even have the courage to see my dad in video or pictures as i requested to my sisters and mom (who were bedside there) not to send me visuals as i didnt think i could handle it.....i am haunted by my imagination of what he looked like ravaged by the cancer looking like a shell of his former self.... my big sister told me that she will be forever haunted and disturbed about how our dad looked -- and she actually told me that she is glad that i dont have to see him like this...

[oceanpoet]

On 7/19/2021 at 2:11 PM, jinnycabbie said:

 feeling so triggered and traumatized that i was severely afraid of seeing my dad in such a horrific cancer ravaged condition. 

 

i really deep down feel like i am being torn so many directions and i want to just stay where i am

 

anyone else out there who has felt like this ?

jinnycabbie, I definitely feel like this - often. I quoted the parts I relate to most.

 

My mom is in hospice now with end-stage Lewy Body Dementia. She is basically just a body. She sometimes moans and it is so hard to see that. I have a hard time visiting, even though I only live 5 minutes away from her. It's also hard to have a life without her in it. Or to have a life while grieving the death that hasn't actually happened yet.

 

You are not alone. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your feelings. For what it's worth, it helps me to know I'm not alone.

[jinnycabbie]

hello Oceanpoet,

i too am very sorry for what your mom and you are going through.  i grieve with you and i am in tears right now thinking about your mom and my dad.   i completely dont blame or judge you or anyone who cannot find it in themselves (for any reason) to  be that the person's bedside.   i also agree that my dad truly passed away several months prior to the actual cancer bursting out.  my dad was an empty shell of a person he used to be , simply just a physical body but little else, had no control over anything could barely express himself unclear what he was thinking or feeling, except when wincing and grimacing in pain. 

i too been grieving for several months prior to the final cancer/hospice comfort measures.  

my sister told me that when she was driving to see him, that she secretely wished that he would have passed away en route so that she wouldnt have to see him in such a condition-- i too often wished for this , a quick peaceful painless death but he hung on for days of agony and hospice meds, almost as if he may have been waiting to see me in person while i (feel like coward) was living in another country and did not want to see him -- he had my 2 sisters and my mom bedside and me on the phone with him almost every minute of the end.  i was wailing and sobbing on the phone - trying to keep it together - i dont even know or imagine what i would have been like in person there....there are times when i regret not seeing him in person at the end of life but another part of me knows that i am alive here, i have to care and take care of myself as a person , as i can only really rely on myself to care for me and there is nothing wrong with that...i am still trying to slowly get self worth and strength again to trust myself that i did the best with what emotional capacity i had at that time.....

 

it helps to know that i am not the only one going thru this ..... we are all survivors together as pithy/cliche as that sounds i wish i had something better to say ..... maybe something will emerge in my dreams with my dad giving me hope and guidance....that is what i look towards......  

[oceanpoet]

I think your dad will come to you, jinnycabbie. I know that he is with you. Our loved ones stay in our hearts for as long as they keep beating. 

 

Hang in there. More hugs.

[jinnycabbie]

thank you so  much Oceanpoet , i do feel this everyday truly in my heart ..... my dad is in peace and comfort his soul is free...... 

i can tell that your mom is a lovely beautiful lady and that she is surrounded by love