Members Popular Post MaryB Posted July 17, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 17, 2021 Every Saturday morning it hits me all over again that I have to navigate another weekend without my husband. We did everything together and losing him is never more apparent to me than on the weekends. It seems that every couple I know has plans or I'll see my neighbors working in the yard or grilling or taking a walk together. And my heart just breaks all over again. Going on two years and it's still tough. 4 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Silviu Posted July 17, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 17, 2021 Hey, Mary, I'm at the beginning of the grieving process, only 37 days since i lost my girlfriend to cancer, so i'm not exactly in a position to give advice, but i have this issue with weekends too, those are the hardest, during the week i keep busy at work and it's over fast, but in the weekend's i have nothing to do, besides waiting for it to be over. The way i deal with weekends is to set out something to do as a chore and then reward myself for doing it, for example as chores i do small things, like riding the bike for 30 minutes, or taking a 30 minutes walk in the park, or visiting one of her favorite places and sitting there for 30 minutes on a bench, stuff like this. I no longer enjoy doing those activities like i used to with her, so i'm calling them chores. Then i reward myself with my favorite icecream, favorite dessert, or when i'm very sad i order a full menu and eat it at home (it's sad to eat by myself at a restaurant so i prefer to order), besides favorite food i haven't found anything else i still enjoy, but who knows maybe in the future i'll find more stuff i like. 30 minutes activities doesn't sound like much or that it would make the weekend end faster but it works, i wake up at 9AM, i get ready and leave at around 10, i leave 2 miles outside the city, and almost between 15-20 miles away from the places i go to so it takes me another 30-40 minutes to get there, then it takes me 10-15 more minutes to find a parking spot and get there by foot, so let's round it up to 11 AM, then i finish at 11:30, but instead of leaving i sit on a bench for a bit to check my phone, so let's say i'm back to my car at 12, it takes me another 15-20 minutes to get to the place that sells my favorite dessert, takes me a few more minutes to eat it, so let's say i leave at 1PM, i go visit her grave, so another 20 minutes trip and i sit there for 10 minutes, then i'm back home at around 2PM. Then i waste the rest of the day watching movies or serials I promised myself that in her honor, for the rest of my life i won't let a single day pass without leaving the house, so spending time outside until 2PM gives me the necessary peace of mind to waste the rest of the day without feeling guilty. Today after i came home i wasted the rest of the day watching Black Window, we both wanted to see it and we waited for it to be released since last year, but never got the chance to watch it together, so i watched it by myself, it was really nice, she would have liked it. Anyway one day is almost over one more to go then back to work. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MaryB Posted July 17, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2021 Hi Silviu, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I like that you call your activities "chores" and that you reward yourself for accomplishing them. I did not think to do that. Honestly, I feel like whenever I accomplish just about anything it's pretty noteworthy. Although you are newly into grieving your girlfriend, you have given some meaningful insight into coping with loss. I especially like your idea of making it a point to leave the house every day and will definitely do that. I have noticed that when I'm out and about I do feel more alive. I am grateful that you answered my post. God bless you. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted July 18, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 18, 2021 10 hours ago, MaryB said: Every Saturday morning it hits me all over again that I have to navigate another weekend without my husband. MaryB, Saturday mornings are the hardest for me. John and I both had demanding work schedules, so we rarely had family dinners during the week. But Saturday mornings were always a special family time. For about a decade, we took our 2 boys to IHOP for breakfast every Saturday morning. And it was a real nice time to just talk together, hear what was on the boys minds, joke around. After the kids were off to college, John and I kept up the tradition of Saturday morning breakfast out at least a couple times a month, though we branched out from the IHOP tradition. For the last 5 years of his life, John was mostly retired, but I was still working long hours. So Saturday morning was our time to talk about the week behind and the week ahead. We'd often spend 2 hours in our leisurely breakfast/brunch outing. Then maybe catch an early movie or browse through Home Depot or such. Basically, we just hung out together, like best friends do. In those last 5 years, I don't think we skipped a Saturday morning outing. So now Saturday mornings are especially lonely. I am grateful for the Saturday's when I have my grandson here, like today. He fills my heart with giggles. (He is 2 and a half.) When he gets a little older, I may start taking him to IHOP for Saturday morning breakfast. Gail 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted July 18, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted July 18, 2021 Weekends were the hardest for me too, also evenings. My husband's last year he worked nights 75 miles away and so stayed four days near his job and came home for his three day weekend. I worked five days so we began our weekend together Friday night through Sunday night. He called me on his breaks at work so when that time would roll around without the phone ringing, it was a searing reminder of his absence. But to spend the weekend alone after always being together, that was the sheer torture. Even though it was hard to focus on my work, it was a time-filler and distraction to some extent...until I lost my job a few months later. I think what I've missed the most is his holding me and also our talking with each other. We beat as one heart. It helps me to have a schedule. Also my puppy helps. 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members june483 Posted July 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2021 I'm approaching 18 months now (it reminds me of having a new baby when we know exactly how many months we are (only on the sad flip side). Used to love waking up to a day with nothing planned, just hanging out and playing it by ear. Could linger through the morning coffee, chat about new vacation ideas and then, let's go for a ride, or go check something out, or even start up a house project together, what fun! Now I feel so lame having no interests and no ambition. I know it's all on me but I really could literally stare at the wall all day. Got 4 years till I retire - holy Cow - then what. My God, what a waste, life was going so well and it's now all water under the bridge... Yes weekends stink also because there is too much time to think... 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Diane R. E. Posted July 18, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 18, 2021 Yes; weekends are definitely harder for me too. I am retired, so you would think every day would be the same, but like many of you, weekends are when Doug and I would always do things together. Saturday mornings we went grocery shopping and in the afternoon we often went to some of our local small businesses to browse. On Sundays we would often go to a movie in the afternoon. Doug and I didn't have children, so I don't even have grandchildren to visit. Plus we moved here to AZ during the Covid lockdown, so I haven't made any friends to do things with. I was volunteering at Covid-19 vaccination sites, but the volunteer opportunities are pretty much nonexistent now. My thought is to look for a clinic where I can consistently volunteer (I'm an RN) and hopefully get to know some of the staff. Being alone all day almost every day doesn't help - too much time to think as you said june483. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post MaryB Posted July 18, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 18, 2021 Well, I'm heading toward Sunday evening and pretty soon I can put another weekend under my belt. Yes, June483, too much time to think and remember all the things my husband and I used to do together. We were always together. Sounds like it was the same for you. I'm retired too, Diane R.E., but for some reason the weekdays aren't like this. I don't feel so lost and am much better able to cope. Maybe in time this will all get better. God, I hope so. Someone told me it takes about three years to fully accept the loss of a spouse. If that's true, I have a ways to go. I'm at the end of year two. And I wonder who came up with that three-year timeframe anyway... 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 19, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 19, 2021 It's not the same for everyone, for me it took about three years to process my grief, I don't like the term accept even though I know what it means to psychiatrists, to us it has a whole different connotation. I prefer the word realize. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MaryB Posted July 19, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2021 KayC, I love the use of the word "realize" instead of "accept" when it comes to my husband's illness and death. In the short amount of time I have been on this site, you have helped me more than you know. Thank you. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 20, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 20, 2021 Oh Mary, you are so welcome! That's why we're here...there were those there for me when I went through this 16 years ago...it has no ending, but it does evolve. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 20, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2021 MaryB, I am sorry for your loss. I just saw your posting and I too am having trouble when it comes to the "weekends". My wife was the one who worked and I have been a caregiver for about 12 years for a friend and 5 for MIL with dementia. She worked mostly Monday through Thursday so most of the time after I got home from my friend's house on "weekends" it was our time and we would do just about everything together and NOW I don't want to do anything but what I HAVE to do. She was a weekend griller and sit on the deck person and do nothing together as a couple or play games. When she first died the mornings were "okay" because she would have been at work but when the time of day for her to come home came around it started to hit me and then as you say the weekends and now sadly each day is worse than the day before for me. I come here to express my emotions and it really helps when others comment about their experiences good and bad. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post MaryB Posted July 20, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 20, 2021 Hi John9, I completely understand what you're saying...weekends are so very tough. Today is exactly 23 months since I lost my husband and so many memories are going through my mind. I'm so grateful for this site. Finally, I have found people who understand. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 25, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/18/2021 at 11:50 AM, june483 said: Got 4 years till I retire - holy Cow - then what. My God, what a waste, life was going so well and it's now all water under the bridge... Yes weekends stink also because there is too much time to think... june483: Guess I'm not the only one thinking this. My husband was forced to retire because of illness and I gave up working to be a housewife several years ago. We looked forward to our "golden years" but it didn't turn out so golden. And now I feel that all the stress, bs and hard work we had gone thru/put up with in the past is all a waste now. All the times we spent hoping and talking of the future and things we were going to do was like owning something valuable and now it's been taken away. It's hard for me to even care about anything anymore. It's like "why should I?" I know that is being very negative but I don't see a plus-side to it either. I'm 57 and figure at this point, considering what has happened, I am just going to exist and live out the last chapter of my life til my own time comes. I'm not going to be making "plans" any more. Just exist and live til my time comes. And that is how I've just spent my Saturday night! 1 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 25, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 25, 2021 tnd, I am sorry that you and I "agree" on the way we feel about how this all "played" out. As I said before "we" kind of found out that we shouldn't make "plans" because it didn't work well for us, so she started saying "I'm just talking" whenever she had an idea for something we might do. I only "plan" on things I am forced to like appointments for MIL or refills for her drugs and things like that otherwise I am just "waiting" for the END of this "game" or story to be over. I have said it before and O am sure I will again, I have no dreams, desires, aspirations, or anything like that. I only have a WANT and that is for this all to be over soon. We all probably feel "cheated" out of our golden years because my wife was only 53 when she died so she was nowhere near being able to retire (even though she would have if she could have) and we all now know if we didn't before that life isn't fair (I found out at 2). 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 26, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2021 12 hours ago, John9 said: As I said before "we" kind of found out that we shouldn't make "plans" because it didn't work well for us, so she started saying "I'm just talking" whenever she had an idea for something we might do John9: My husband and I did the same thing. We'd "just talk" about some of the things we wanted to do. Some things could have been possible, others probably not. But that's how we'd keep each other going, through talking about our dreams or desires. We kind of had fun just doing that -talking about it. There were other priorities tho. There were things we needed. Not materialistic things but very practical and needed things. It use to anger me whenever someone in the family use to complain about stupid trivial things, like not being able to go out to dinner at their country club because of Covid lockdown, crap like that. And there we were, breathing a sigh of relief anytime we could pay our darn health insurance premiums and still have enough to buy our medicine. There are truly people out there that have no idea how "the other half lives". Anyways, I've gone off on a rant...sorry. But not having my husband to talk to and to daydream with really hurts. Meanwhile, there are people who I believe are totally incapable of truly appreciating life in the way that my husband and I did. At least he filled me up with good memories. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 26, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 26, 2021 And no one can take those memories, save dementia. I pray my sister doesn't lose those memories with her husband. I'd rather see her go before that happens and at the same time I dread the day she does. I've never known life without her. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 26, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2021 tnd, My wife and I were not "wealthy" but we were able to stay ahead of the bills, now I am alone with nothing but the memories of the just talking part of our life. I tried to not discourage her thoughts but I think it was her way to distract from issues with her mother. We were still "healthy" enough that medicine was not used except over the counter, but apparently she wasn't really just didn't know. I would have done everything in my power to find a way to "cover" the costs if I had only been GIVEN that chance but I wasn't ALLOWED. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 26, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2021 KayC, Sadly the memories my MIL had are totally disconnected and it is hard to "follow" for me, I don't "know" her whole history so I don't know if she is remembering "right". I know she thinks her husband died from Covid and he died 20 years ago or longer. My wife used to "test" her by asking or commenting on somethings that she knew the answer to, I can't do that. I just try to do what I can. I do hope she goes before it gets too much worse but again it is not up to me, it is in God's hands and only he knows how long we suffer. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 26, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 26, 2021 19 minutes ago, John9 said: I would have done everything in my power to find a way to "cover" the costs if I had only been GIVEN that chance but I wasn't ALLOWED. I know. Same with me. John, I have an ebook that helped me when my mom had dementia...very simple book but helped me know how to respond to her. If you msg me your email address, I will send it to you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 11 hours ago, KayC said: I've never known life without her. KayC: I am sorry that you have this to worry about in addition to taking care of her AND yourself now. This is a very different situation but I lost my older brother to drugs and knew I would. And expecting it didn't make it any easier. It still hurt. I still miss him. He died 2 years ago, which was about 20 years since I last saw him. And despite the time that had gone by, it still hurt when I got the news. I still miss him and cry. But I don't think you're the type that is going to shy away from your sister just to protect yourself. Something tells me you will be there in her hour of need, just like you are there for her now. No doubt it will be painful but you will probably always be there for her no matter what. It's who you are, it's what you do. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted July 27, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 I realize I can't take care of her when she is Stage 4, possibly not at Stage 3, they require 24/7 and when we have no support... But I do what I can now. I got an eye appt for her next Wed, it's another 120+ mile trip, and have to take her to the denturist this Friday, same distance...I need to get groceries and pick up my glasses when they come in, will have to make another trip for that, it's a LOT and I hate leaving Kodie that much. One day at a time, right? Strength for today... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 7 hours ago, KayC said: One day at a time, right? Strength for today... KayC: I don't know where you get all that strength but be good to yourself. Sometimes I think stress is what made me sick. A doctor told me that they think prolonged stress causes illness, such as auto-immune disorders. I miss the days where I could clean an apartment in just a day, in even just a morning and then have the rest of the day to play. Now I'm lucky if I can clean a sink or bathe myself. So please, please take some time to just breathe and sit in peace and quiet. You have Kodie...he will help you to relax and get away from stress. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 tnd, I am in agreement with you in regards to stress, I believe that stress contributed to me wife's death in the long run. We tried to take things on as best we could but it piles up on you without realizing it and now knowing that she had an undiagnosed "heart" condition stress had to play a factor. I am trying to control my stress now but it is constant and will probably finally contribute to my death at some point because of all of my issues I am dealing with now. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 10 minutes ago, John9 said: We tried to take things on as best we could but it piles up on you without realizing it and now knowing that she had an undiagnosed "heart" condition stress had to play a factor. John9: My husband was diagnosed with Diabetes late in life, he was in his 40's. The Nephrologist kept telling him that as long as he continued taking care of himself, taking his Insulin and kept his blood pressure down his kidneys would probably last many more years. His lab work looked great. But the year we had to sell our house to avoid foreclosure (laid off from our jobs) was the year he started having high blood pressure. A year later, his kidneys were gone and he had to go on dialysis 3 times a week. No doubt stress has a direct impact on our health. And so I wonder now if when I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis and had to be on oxygen 24/7 caused my husband even more stress and affecting his health and his heart. He went through so much that nobody should have to. Bad enough we lost our jobs and had to sell our home but then to be hit with illness just ravages your life. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post widower2 Posted July 27, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 On 7/17/2021 at 12:01 PM, MaryB said: Every Saturday morning it hits me all over again that I have to navigate another weekend without my husband. We did everything together and losing him is never more apparent to me than on the weekends. It seems that every couple I know has plans or I'll see my neighbors working in the yard or grilling or taking a walk together. And my heart just breaks all over again. Going on two years and it's still tough. I'm so sorry. Know that feeling well. In fact for most of our time together, mostly all we HAD were weekends as we lived in diff parts of the state, so I could live without them now (time off from work notwithstanding). My only suggestion offhand would be to try and do things to keep busy, esp getting out of the house with family or friends etc...a movie, a visit to someone's house, a walk, a local event, whatever. I say this as someone who did his share of it, but staring at the walls (or TV or whatever) just mires you in it that much more. You need distractions. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post widower2 Posted July 27, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 On 7/18/2021 at 4:54 PM, MaryB said: Someone told me it takes about three years to fully accept the loss of a spouse. "Someone" should NEVER say such things, because there are no timelines; it varies for everyone, and how quickly one can or cannot regroup has nothing to do with how good of a person was they lost, how good they are, how great the relationship was, etc etc etc. Please don't impose a timeline on yourself. Quote And I wonder who came up with that three-year timeframe anyway... People who don't know what they're talking about and should keep a lid on it. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 27, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 On 7/25/2021 at 3:29 AM, tnd said: june483: Guess I'm not the only one thinking this. My husband was forced to retire because of illness and I gave up working to be a housewife several years ago. We looked forward to our "golden years" but it didn't turn out so golden. And now I feel that all the stress, bs and hard work we had gone thru/put up with in the past is all a waste now. All the times we spent hoping and talking of the future and things we were going to do was like owning something valuable and now it's been taken away. It's hard for me to even care about anything anymore. It's like "why should I?" I know that is being very negative but I don't see a plus-side to it either. I'm 57 and figure at this point, considering what has happened, I am just going to exist and live out the last chapter of my life til my own time comes. I'm not going to be making "plans" any more. Just exist and live til my time comes. And that is how I've just spent my Saturday night! tnd I hope you reconsider. We're about the same age and I realize I have more life behind me than in front of me, but I haven't given up trying to get something out of it (granted I have not exactly done a bang up job...). As to the "why should I"....because he isn't on this Earth any more, but you are. And you deserve more than to just exist. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 10 minutes ago, widower2 said: "Someone" should NEVER say such things, because there are no timelines; it varies for everyone, and how quickly one can or cannot regroup has nothing to do with how good of a person was they lost, how good they are, how great the relationship was, etc etc etc. I 9 minutes ago, widower2 said: People who don't know what they're talking about and should keep a lid on it. widower2, I said that my wife and I were together for 35 years and I loved her more each day than the day before and it WILL take me that long to grieve her. I don't ever expect this to end for me until I die. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 27, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 John, of course not. They say life is a journey, not a destination. Grief is that way IMO. You never "get over it" or it's like you get to a point and stop missing them or the hurt magically disappears. But usually it does become much more manageable over time. I just get very steamed when people give out advice or "facts" that aren't facts at all, no matter how well intentioned, trying to tell someone ELSE about how their journey through grief will or should go. It's ignorant and irresponsible. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted July 27, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 6 minutes ago, widower2 said: As to the "why should I"....because he isn't on this Earth any more, but you are. And you deserve more than to just exist. Thank you for the support, widower2. It's a good day when someone is on your side to cheer you on. I feel like roadkill at the moment and hoping this feeling or this part of grief will pass. I think if I could be around people just for the sake of having conversation would help. I feel as tho my SIL has some sort of plan for me, like I'm going to be her project or something. I hate that idea. I want someone to understand what I am going through and to console me but I also want to just "be" and have some sort of normalcy in my life. I don't want to be somebody's project or to treated like a child. That really annoys me. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 3 minutes ago, widower2 said: But usually it does become much more manageable over time. widower2: I sure hope it becomes more manageable. I am hoping that my health will improve enough for me to gain a little strength. If so, I might be able to see through this dark cloud that no longer hangs above me but has encompassed me. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2021 widower2, I agree with you and others who have said the "uninformed" should not really give advice that "they" aren't qualified to give, not that I am either but at least I am experiencing the grief part and I do understand from that point of view. I have said it that "everybody" could use an education in how us grievers want to be "helped" and sadly yes grief is different to grievers depending on who or what we lost. I lost too much too soon and am going through HELL right now, 4 pets in 18 months a friend in January and my wife in March and I haven't fully been able to let it out because I care for my MIL who has dementia all alone and I can't afford to lose it just yet but it is coming I fear. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 11 minutes ago, John9 said: I can't afford to lose it just yet but it is coming I fear. John9: I wonder if once I get to my brother's if I'm going to have some sort of big breakdown. They would probably think I've completely lost it. So I pray that doesn't happen because I can only imagine what their plan for me would be. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted July 28, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 12 hours ago, widower2 said: Quote And I wonder who came up with that three-year timeframe anyway... People who don't know what they're talking about and should keep a lid on it. Some of us have said it took us about three years just to process their death...that doesn't mean it's the same for everyone and that does NOT imply we're "good to go" then! It took me years more to find purpose, years more to build a life I could live, and then Covid came along and destroyed it...back to square one. Now I hear it'll be back to masking, that didn't take long! And then I'm hit with taking care of my sister with dementia and there goes having a life. It's hard to get through what I have to do in each day. Life throws crap at us and we scrambled to deal with it, that's how it seems to go. I've found it helps to laugh at life sometimes, if you can. Okay, I had a redneck solution for something yesterday, might give you a laugh! In my kitchen cupboard above the stove there is a huge hole in the ceiling where the hood/stove pipe was removed years ago. Kids' dad never sealed it up, not sure why as he was usually persnickety about things. I think he just didn't want to bother. Anyway, I duct-taped poster board to it so bees couldn't get in. When we had the high heat, it came down. So I applied new duct tape and thought it was good for a few more years. Nope. I opened the cupboard yesterday and it was down again, so I knew that wouldn't work. Then lightbulb idea! Okay, here's the gross part, I don't care, it worked! I got the old toilet plunger out of the garbage (I had washed it because I'd planned on keeping it in the guest bathroom but changed my mind) and propped the posterboard up with it. Perfect fit! So the handle is on the bottom, the plunger next to the poster board (the other way the stick handle would poke a hole in it), voila! Redneck solution only a woman would do. My mom used to fix everything with duct tape and nylons, I can add toilet plunger to her repertoire. My mom would appreciate it if she were alive and thinking. 2 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 28, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 12 hours ago, tnd said: I want someone to understand what I am going through and to console me but I also want to just "be" and have some sort of normalcy in my life. I don't want to be somebody's project or to treated like a child. When you are 60 you should qualify for widower's benefits based on your husband's social security, if you put in for low income or senior housing, you should qualify, there may be a wait period, but get your application in as soon as you turn 60...this will give you something to look forward to! Some control over your life, a place of your own. They have one here right across the street from our church, people get help from our church with rides, etc. Find your sanctuary, make some friends, I see it happen here. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 45 minutes ago, KayC said: Redneck solution . . . Kay, I love it. You are very creative and resourceful. A simple solution with materials at hand. Still leaves you with all your storage, and no one sees your unusual repair as the cupboard door is closed most of the time. Oh sure, we'd love to have all repairs done properly, but there are only so many hours in the day and so many dollars in the budget. This will do! On to the next pressing need. Gail 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 Kay, I'm impressed with your ingenuity. That plunger acts as a spring and the sucker will never come out. Like they say, necessity is the mother of invention. Lots of thumbs up to you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 KayC, There is a saying I don't know it for sure exactly how it goes but I felt that way for a long time." I have done so much with so little that I now feel qualifies to do anything with nothing". The solution you came up with is use what you have if it isn't a safety issue. Also in regards to the Social Security that was the ONLY thing that "saved" my butt and of course it in NO WAY CAN REPLACE my wife there isn't enough money in the world for that but she did "earn" it and she can't collect it. Very lucky she had a good job to earn "credits" for the future retirement. It helps me since I can't work and take care of MIL. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 John9, I totally agree with you on the widow's SS benefit. Your wife earned that retirement benefit and you as her spouse should collect it. It can make a big difference to have that income. I wish tnd was eligible for that benefit too. I am not sure how that works, will tnd be able to receive it in a few years, when she reaches age 60? Maybe then she can move into a place of her own, if things are difficult at the brother's. Something to consider down the road. Gail 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 Gail 8588, According to SSA.gov these are the requirements to collect widow/widowers benefits A widow or widower age 60 or older (age 50 or older if disabled). I was "lucky" that I was older than my wife because she was only 53 (I am 61) and if I had died she wouldn't have been able to collect for 6 more years and even then it wouldn't have been much because of our situation where I was/am an unpaid caregiver. No income no credits. tnd, Not trying to get too personal but did you ever look into Social Security widow benefits? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 9 hours ago, KayC said: When you are 60 you should qualify for widower's benefits based on your husband's social security, KayC: That is for "Survivors Benefits". I'm 57 so have about 3 years to go but you're right, I will qualify and they said to apply at least 2 months prior to turning 60. Meanwhile I've applied for "Widow's Benefits". Those are for people age 50+ and disabled. It all depends on what my doctors AND their panel of doctors say. So now I wait. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 10 hours ago, KayC said: My mom used to fix everything with duct tape and nylons, I can add toilet plunger to her repertoire. My mom would appreciate it if she were alive and thinking. KayC: A person has gotta do what a person can do. Where there is a will, there's a way. But that's how I've learned a lot of things, rednecking it. Then you-tube came along. 8 hours ago, Sparky1 said: That plunger acts as a spring and the sucker will never come out. Sparky1: I will never again look at plungers the same way. I will think of KayC. But in a good way... 1 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 52 minutes ago, John9 said: Not trying to get too personal but did you ever look into Social Security widow benefits? John9: Yes. I've applied for Widow's Benefits. But I have to be declared disabled. However, once I turn 60 then I will qualify to receive Survivors Benefits. Under 60 I can only apply for Widow's. I am 57. My doctors AND their panel of doctors will have to declare me disabled to qualify for Widow's. "Widows and Survivors" benefits have a little different requirements. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 My husband and I were both retired and each had social security benefits which amounted to enough for us to get by. We didn't know that I would lose his benefit. What I get now pays the rent but that's about it. That's why I can't stay here. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 28, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 23 hours ago, tnd said: I feel as tho my SIL has some sort of plan for me, like I'm going to be her project or something. I hate that idea. I want someone to understand what I am going through and to console me but I also want to just "be" and have some sort of normalcy in my life. I don't want to be somebody's project or to treated like a child. That really annoys me. ugh I would hate that too. And while I don't think anyone can really understand what you're going through, they need to appreciate and respect it. If it becomes necessary, maybe you should just tell her words to that effect (if it's too hard in person, maybe in a letter or email)...something like "I know you're trying to help and thanks, but I need to get through this in my own way. Nobody can do it for me. All I want or need is someone to listen when I want to talk but also let it go when I clearly DON'T want to talk...to maybe check on me now and then and let me know they're thinking of me, maybe get together and do something...or just talk. But in general, understand I have to find my own way. I'm the driver on this journey; the most anyone else can do is ride shotgun and not give directions." 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 LMR, Sadly that is a "fear" of many or most of the older couples, how do "I" go on after "you" die. It is really hard when it was already a struggle when it took everything both contributed to the "team". Just another issue that the grieving person doesn't need and something the "outsiders" don't GET. The future is scary enough when you confront it together but now alone and "struggling" doesn't help. I don't have an answer other than Social Security "could" factor a way to increase the benefit of the survivor until their death, probably will never happen though. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 21 minutes ago, LMR said: We didn't know that I would lose his benefit. LMR: Isn't that something? They (the social security admin) said we can only draw from one or the other. I don't understand that because BOTH of us worked and BOTH of us paid into the system. It's angering. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 28, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 22 hours ago, John9 said: widower2, I agree with you and others who have said the "uninformed" should not really give advice that "they" aren't qualified to give, not that I am either but at least I am experiencing the grief part and I do understand from that point of view. I have said it that "everybody" could use an education in how us grievers want to be "helped" and sadly yes grief is different to grievers depending on who or what we lost. I lost too much too soon and am going through HELL right now, 4 pets in 18 months a friend in January and my wife in March and I haven't fully been able to let it out because I care for my MIL who has dementia all alone and I can't afford to lose it just yet but it is coming I fear. I'm so sorry. Although my situation was of course different, I can relate to having other burdens after the loss and the added pain of not even having the luxury of just being able to go off and lick your wounds somewhere. And putting down her/my/our dog a few years ago was way harder than I ever imagined, so I can at least somewhat appreciate that added loss, as well as a friend, wow...and having to care for your MIL to boot. Is there anyone else who can help with her? If not family/friends, maybe a professional caregiver, even just part time? Don't lose it! I know it's (way way) easier said than done, but you can do this. I didn't think I could but somehow I did. If I can...... 11 hours ago, KayC said: Okay, I had a redneck solution for something yesterday Love it lol! 2 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 4 minutes ago, widower2 said: And while I don't think anyone can really understand what you're going through, they need to appreciate and respect it. widower2: I've already told them that when I get there I want us to sit down because I want to have a talk with them. And most of what you mentioned/suggested is exactly what I will be telling them. I am finding that the more direct I am with them they seem to back off a little. Unless they are going to ambush me when I get there. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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