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Weekends are still the worst...


MaryB

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Hi Silviu,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  My heart goes out to you.

I like that you call your activities "chores" and that you reward yourself for accomplishing them.  I did not think to do that.  Honestly, I feel like whenever I accomplish just about anything it's pretty noteworthy.  Although you are newly into grieving your girlfriend, you have given some meaningful insight into coping with loss.  I especially like your idea of making it a point to leave the house every day and will definitely do that.  I have noticed that when I'm out and about I do feel more alive.

I am grateful that you answered my post.  God bless you.

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june483

I'm approaching 18 months now (it reminds me of having a new baby when we know exactly how many months we are (only on the sad flip side).  Used to love waking up to a day with nothing planned, just hanging out and playing it by ear.  Could linger through the morning coffee, chat about new vacation ideas and then, let's go for a ride, or go check something out, or even start up a house project together, what fun!  

Now I feel so lame having no interests and no ambition. I know it's all on me but I really could literally stare at the wall all day.  Got 4 years till I retire  - holy Cow - then what.  My God, what a waste, life was going so well and it's now all water under the bridge... 

 Yes weekends stink also because there is too much time to think...

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It's not the same for everyone, for me it took about three years to process my grief, I don't like the term accept even though I know what it means to psychiatrists, to us it has a whole different connotation.  I prefer the word realize.

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KayC, I love the use of the word "realize" instead of "accept" when it comes to my husband's illness and death.

In the short amount of time I have been on this site, you have helped me more than you know.  Thank you.

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Oh Mary, you are so welcome!  That's why we're here...there were those there for me when I went through this 16 years ago...it has no ending, but it does evolve.

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MaryB,

I am sorry for your loss. I just saw your posting and I too am having trouble when it comes to the "weekends". My wife was the one who worked and I have been a caregiver for about 12 years for a friend and 5 for MIL with dementia. She worked mostly Monday through Thursday so most of the time after I got home from my friend's house on "weekends" it was our time and we would do just about everything together and NOW I don't want to do anything but what I HAVE to do. She was a weekend griller and sit on the deck person and do nothing together as a couple or play games. When she first died the mornings were "okay" because she would have been at work but when the time of day for her to come home came around it started to hit me and then as you say the weekends and now sadly each day is worse than the day before for me. I come here to express my emotions and it really helps when others comment about their experiences good and bad.

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On 7/18/2021 at 11:50 AM, june483 said:

Got 4 years till I retire  - holy Cow - then what.  My God, what a waste, life was going so well and it's now all water under the bridge... 

 Yes weekends stink also because there is too much time to think...

june483:  Guess I'm not the only one thinking this. My husband was forced to retire because of illness and I gave up working to be a housewife several years ago. We looked forward to our "golden years" but it didn't turn out so golden. And now I feel that all the stress, bs and hard work we had gone thru/put up with in the past is all a waste now. All the times we spent hoping and talking of the future and things we were going to do was like owning something valuable and now it's been taken away. It's hard for me to even care about anything anymore. It's like "why should I?" I know that is being very negative but I don't see a plus-side to it either. I'm 57 and figure at this point, considering what has happened, I am just going to exist and live out the last chapter of my life til my own time comes. I'm not going to be making "plans" any more. Just exist and live til my time comes. And that is how I've just spent my Saturday night! 

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tnd,

I am sorry that you and I "agree" on the way we feel about how this all "played" out. As I said before "we" kind of found out that we shouldn't make "plans" because it didn't work well for us, so she started saying "I'm just talking" whenever she had an idea for something we might do. I only "plan" on things I am forced to like appointments for MIL or refills for her drugs and things like that otherwise I am just "waiting" for the END of this "game" or story to be over. I have said it before and O am sure I will again, I have no dreams, desires, aspirations, or anything like that. I only have a WANT and that is for this all to be over soon. We all probably feel "cheated" out of our golden years because my wife was only 53 when she died so she was nowhere near being able to retire (even though she would have if she could have) and we all now know if we didn't before that life isn't fair (I found out at 2).

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12 hours ago, John9 said:

As I said before "we" kind of found out that we shouldn't make "plans" because it didn't work well for us, so she started saying "I'm just talking" whenever she had an idea for something we might do

John9:  My husband and I did the same thing. We'd "just talk" about some of the things we wanted to do. Some things could have been possible, others probably not. But that's how we'd keep each other going, through talking about our dreams or desires. We kind of had fun just doing that -talking about it. There were other priorities tho. There were things we needed. Not materialistic things but very practical and needed things. It use to anger me whenever someone in the family use to complain about stupid trivial things, like not being able to go out to dinner at their country club because of Covid lockdown, crap like that. And there we were, breathing a sigh of relief anytime we could pay our darn health insurance premiums and still have enough to buy our medicine. There are truly people out there that have no idea how "the other half lives". Anyways, I've gone off on a rant...sorry. But not having my husband to talk to and to daydream with really hurts. Meanwhile, there are people who I believe are totally incapable of truly appreciating life in the way that my husband and I did. At least he filled me up with good memories.  

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And no one can take those memories, save dementia.  I pray my sister doesn't lose those memories with her husband.  I'd rather see her go before that happens and at the same time I dread the day she does.  I've never known life without her.

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tnd,

My wife and I were not "wealthy" but we were able to stay ahead of the bills, now I am alone with nothing but the memories of the just talking part of our life. I tried to not discourage her thoughts but I think it was her way to distract from issues with her mother. We were still "healthy" enough that medicine was not used except over the counter, but apparently she wasn't really just didn't know. I would have done everything in my power to find a way to "cover" the costs if I had only been GIVEN that chance but I wasn't ALLOWED.

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KayC,

Sadly the memories my MIL had are totally disconnected and it is hard to "follow" for me, I don't "know" her whole history so I don't know if she is remembering "right". I know she thinks her husband died from Covid and he died 20 years ago or longer. My wife used to "test" her by asking or commenting on somethings that she knew the answer to, I can't do that. I just try to do what I can. I do hope she goes before it gets too much worse but again it is not up to me, it is in God's hands and only he knows how long we suffer.

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19 minutes ago, John9 said:

I would have done everything in my power to find a way to "cover" the costs if I had only been GIVEN that chance but I wasn't ALLOWED.

I know.  Same with me.

John, I have an ebook that helped me when my mom had dementia...very simple book but helped me know how to respond to her.  If you msg me your email address, I will send it to you. :wub:

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

I've never known life without her.

KayC:  I am sorry that you have this to worry about in addition to taking care of her AND yourself now. This is a very different situation but I lost my older brother to drugs and knew I would. And expecting it didn't make it any easier. It still hurt. I still miss him. He died 2 years ago, which was about 20 years since I last saw him. And despite the time that had gone by, it still hurt when I got the news. I still miss him and cry. But I don't think you're the type that is going to shy away from your sister just to protect yourself. Something tells me you will be there in her hour of need, just like you are there for her now. No doubt it will be painful but you will probably always be there for her no matter what. It's who you are, it's what you do. 

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

One day at a time, right?  Strength for today...

KayC:  I don't know where you get all that strength but be good to yourself. Sometimes I think stress is what made me sick. A doctor told me that they think prolonged stress causes illness, such as auto-immune disorders. I miss the days where I could clean an apartment in just a day, in even just a morning and then have the rest of the day to play. Now I'm lucky if I can clean a sink or bathe myself. So please, please take some time to just breathe and sit in peace and quiet. You have Kodie...he will help you to relax and get away from stress.   

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tnd,

I am in agreement with you in regards to stress, I believe that stress contributed to me wife's death in the long run. We tried to take things on as best we could but it piles up on you without realizing it and now knowing that she had an undiagnosed "heart" condition stress had to play a factor. I am trying to control my stress now but it is constant and will probably finally contribute to my death at some point because of all of my issues I am dealing with now.

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10 minutes ago, John9 said:

We tried to take things on as best we could but it piles up on you without realizing it and now knowing that she had an undiagnosed "heart" condition stress had to play a factor.

John9:  My husband was diagnosed with Diabetes late in life, he was in his 40's. The Nephrologist kept telling him that as long as he continued taking care of himself, taking his Insulin and kept his blood pressure down his kidneys would probably last many more years. His lab work looked great. But the year we had to sell our house to avoid foreclosure (laid off from our jobs) was the year he started having high blood pressure. A year later, his kidneys were gone and he had to go on dialysis 3 times a week. No doubt stress has a direct impact on our health. And so I wonder now if when I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis and had to be on oxygen 24/7 caused my husband even more stress and affecting his health and his heart. He went through so much that nobody should have to. Bad enough we lost our jobs and had to sell our home but then to be hit with illness just ravages your life.   

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widower2
On 7/25/2021 at 3:29 AM, tnd said:

june483:  Guess I'm not the only one thinking this. My husband was forced to retire because of illness and I gave up working to be a housewife several years ago. We looked forward to our "golden years" but it didn't turn out so golden. And now I feel that all the stress, bs and hard work we had gone thru/put up with in the past is all a waste now. All the times we spent hoping and talking of the future and things we were going to do was like owning something valuable and now it's been taken away. It's hard for me to even care about anything anymore. It's like "why should I?" I know that is being very negative but I don't see a plus-side to it either. I'm 57 and figure at this point, considering what has happened, I am just going to exist and live out the last chapter of my life til my own time comes. I'm not going to be making "plans" any more. Just exist and live til my time comes. And that is how I've just spent my Saturday night! 

tnd I hope you reconsider. We're about the same age and I realize I have more life behind me than in front of me, but I haven't given up trying to get something out of it (granted I have not exactly done a bang up job...).

As to the "why should I"....because he isn't on this Earth any more, but you are. And you deserve more than to just exist. 

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10 minutes ago, widower2 said:

"Someone" should NEVER say such things, because there are no timelines; it varies for everyone, and how quickly one can or cannot regroup has nothing to do with how good of a person was they lost, how good they are, how great the relationship was, etc etc etc.

I

9 minutes ago, widower2 said:

People who don't know what they're talking about and should keep a lid on it.

widower2,

I said that my wife and I were together for 35 years and I loved her more each day than the day before and it WILL take me that long to grieve her. I don't ever expect this to end for me until I die.

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widower2

John, of course not. They say life is a journey, not a destination. Grief is that way IMO. You never "get over it" or it's like you get to a point and stop missing them or the hurt magically disappears. But usually it does become much more manageable over time. I just get very steamed when people give out advice or "facts" that aren't facts at all, no matter how well intentioned, trying to tell someone ELSE about how their journey through grief will or should go. It's ignorant and irresponsible. 

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3 minutes ago, widower2 said:

But usually it does become much more manageable over time.

widower2:  I sure hope it becomes more manageable. I am hoping that my health will improve enough for me to gain a little strength. If so, I might be able to see through this dark cloud that no longer hangs above me but has encompassed me. 

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widower2,

I agree with you and others who have said the "uninformed" should not really give advice that "they" aren't qualified to give, not that I am either but at least I am experiencing the grief part and I do understand from that point of view. I have said it that "everybody" could use an education in how us grievers want to be "helped" and sadly yes grief is different to grievers depending on who or what we lost. I lost too much too soon and am going through HELL right now, 4 pets in 18 months a friend in January and my wife in March and I haven't fully been able to let it out because I care for my MIL who has dementia all alone and I can't afford to lose it just yet but it is coming I fear.

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11 minutes ago, John9 said:

I can't afford to lose it just yet but it is coming I fear.

John9:  I wonder if once I get to my brother's if I'm going to have some sort of big breakdown. They would probably think I've completely lost it. So I pray that doesn't happen because I can only imagine what their plan for me would be.  

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12 hours ago, tnd said:

I want someone to understand what I am going through and to console me but I also want to just "be" and have some sort of normalcy in my life. I don't want to be somebody's project or to treated like a child.

When you are 60 you should qualify for widower's benefits based on your husband's social security, if you put in for low income or senior housing, you should qualify, there may be a wait period, but get your application in as soon as you turn 60...this will give you something to look forward to!  Some control over your life, a place of your own.  They have one here right across the street from our church, people get help from our church with rides, etc.  Find your sanctuary, make some friends, I see it happen here.

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Gail 8588
45 minutes ago, KayC said:

Redneck solution . . .

Kay, 

I love it. You are very creative and resourceful.  A simple solution with materials at hand.  Still leaves you with all your storage, and no one sees your unusual repair as the cupboard door is closed most of the time. 

Oh sure, we'd love to have all repairs done properly, but there are only so many hours in the day and so many dollars in the budget.  

This will do!  On to the next pressing need. 

Gail

 

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Sparky1

Kay, I'm impressed with your ingenuity. That plunger acts as a spring and the sucker will never come out. Like they say, necessity is the mother of invention. Lots of thumbs up to you.

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KayC,

There is a saying I don't know it for sure exactly how it goes but I felt that way for a long time." I have done so much with so little that I now feel qualifies to do anything with nothing".

The solution you came up with is use what you have if it isn't a safety issue. Also in regards to the Social Security that was the ONLY thing that "saved" my butt and of course it in NO WAY CAN REPLACE my wife there isn't enough money in the world for that but she did "earn" it and she can't collect it. Very lucky she had a good job to earn "credits" for the future retirement. It helps me since I can't work and take care of MIL.

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Gail 8588

John9, 

I totally agree with you on the widow's SS benefit.  Your wife earned that retirement benefit and you as her spouse should collect it.  It can make a big difference to have that income. 

I wish tnd was eligible for that benefit too.  I am not sure how that works, will tnd be able to receive it in a few years, when she reaches age 60?  Maybe then she can move into a place of her own, if things are difficult at the brother's.

Something to consider down the road. 

Gail

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Gail 8588,

According to SSA.gov these are the requirements to collect widow/widowers benefits

A widow or widower age 60 or older (age 50 or older if disabled). I was "lucky" that I was older than my wife because she was only 53 (I am 61) and if I had died she wouldn't have been able to collect for 6 more years and even then it wouldn't have been much because of our situation where I was/am an unpaid caregiver. No income no credits.

tnd,

Not trying to get too personal but did you ever look into Social Security widow benefits?

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

When you are 60 you should qualify for widower's benefits based on your husband's social security,

KayC:  That is for "Survivors Benefits".  I'm 57 so have about 3 years to go but you're right, I will qualify and they said to apply at least 2 months prior to turning 60.

Meanwhile I've applied for "Widow's Benefits". Those are for people age 50+ and disabled. It all depends on what my doctors AND their panel of doctors say. So now I wait.  

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

My mom used to fix everything with duct tape and nylons, I can add toilet plunger to her repertoire.  My mom would appreciate it if she were alive and thinking.

KayC:  A person has gotta do what a person can do. Where there is a will, there's a way. But that's how I've learned a lot of things, rednecking it. Then you-tube came along. 

8 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

That plunger acts as a spring and the sucker will never come out.

Sparky1:  I will never again look at plungers the same way. I will think of KayC. But in a good way...

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52 minutes ago, John9 said:

Not trying to get too personal but did you ever look into Social Security widow benefits?

John9:  Yes. I've applied for Widow's Benefits. But I have to be declared disabled. However, once I turn 60 then I will qualify to receive Survivors Benefits. Under 60 I can only apply for Widow's. I am 57. My doctors AND their panel of doctors will have to declare me disabled to qualify for Widow's. 

"Widows and Survivors" benefits have a little different requirements. 

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My husband and I were both retired and each had social security benefits which amounted to enough for us to get by. We didn't know that I would lose his benefit. What I get now pays the rent but that's about it. That's why I can't stay here.

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widower2
23 hours ago, tnd said:

I feel as tho my SIL has some sort of plan for me, like I'm going to be her project or something. I hate that idea. I want someone to understand what I am going through and to console me but I also want to just "be" and have some sort of normalcy in my life. I don't want to be somebody's project or to treated like a child. That really annoys me. 

ugh I would hate that too. And while I don't think anyone can really understand what you're going through, they need to appreciate and respect it. If it becomes necessary, maybe you should just tell her words to that effect (if it's too hard in person, maybe in a letter or email)...something like "I know you're trying to help and thanks, but I need to get through this in my own way. Nobody can do it for me. All I want or need is someone to listen when I want to talk but also let it go when I clearly DON'T want to talk...to maybe check on me now and then and let me know they're thinking of me, maybe get together and do something...or just talk. But in general, understand I have to find my own way. I'm the driver on this journey; the most anyone else can do is ride shotgun and not give directions." 

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LMR,

Sadly that is a "fear" of many or most of the older couples, how do "I" go on after "you" die. It is really hard when it was already a struggle when it took everything both contributed to the "team". Just another issue that the grieving person doesn't need and something the "outsiders" don't GET. The future is scary enough when you confront it together but now alone and "struggling" doesn't help. I don't have an answer other than Social Security "could" factor a way to increase the benefit of the survivor until their death, probably will never happen though.

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21 minutes ago, LMR said:

We didn't know that I would lose his benefit.

LMR:  Isn't that something? They (the social security admin) said we can only draw from one or the other. I don't understand that because BOTH of us worked and BOTH of us paid into the system. It's angering. 

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widower2
22 hours ago, John9 said:

widower2,

I agree with you and others who have said the "uninformed" should not really give advice that "they" aren't qualified to give, not that I am either but at least I am experiencing the grief part and I do understand from that point of view. I have said it that "everybody" could use an education in how us grievers want to be "helped" and sadly yes grief is different to grievers depending on who or what we lost. I lost too much too soon and am going through HELL right now, 4 pets in 18 months a friend in January and my wife in March and I haven't fully been able to let it out because I care for my MIL who has dementia all alone and I can't afford to lose it just yet but it is coming I fear.

I'm so sorry. Although my situation was of course different, I can relate to having other burdens after the loss and the added pain of not even having the luxury of just being able to go off and lick your wounds somewhere. And putting down her/my/our dog a few years ago was way harder than I ever imagined, so I can at least somewhat appreciate that added loss, as well as a friend, wow...and having to care for your MIL to boot. Is there anyone else who can help with her? If not family/friends, maybe a professional caregiver, even just part time? 

Don't lose it! I know it's (way way) easier said than done, but you can do this. I didn't think I could but somehow I did. If I can......

 

11 hours ago, KayC said:

Okay, I had a redneck solution for something yesterday

Love it lol! 

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4 minutes ago, widower2 said:

And while I don't think anyone can really understand what you're going through, they need to appreciate and respect it.

widower2:  I've already told them that when I get there I want us to sit down because I want to have a talk with them. And most of what you mentioned/suggested is exactly what I will be telling them. I am finding that the more direct I am with them they seem to back off a little. Unless they are going to ambush me when I get there. 

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