I blame myself but it’s not my fault

[Healing2021]

I’m sitting here after not being on this website for a few months. My dad died in March and I still blame myself for not getting him to a hospital because we were afraid of covid. His doctor told us to get a covid test. If his doctor had said this is an emergency or to go to the hospital then we would have. I’m not a doctor I just try my best. 
 

now I’m sitting here for the maybe tenth time with my brother in the hospital. Not sure what’s wrong this time but other times have been severe panic attacks. I keep calm but at some point I have to call 911 because I get scared too. This time he was unconscious and now hasn’t been speaking or moving for hours. 
 

I think the hospital triggers my thoughts of my dad and the blame. Wondering if I had gotten him to a hospital would he be fine right now? Or would he have caught covid? Would he have passed at the hospital? Died in surgery? Or would they have fixed him and he be home and our life back to how it was? 
 

I know I made the best decisions at the time with what I knew. It just doesn’t feel good enough. I’ve taken care of this family since I was 16 and my mom died. I know I’ve taken on a lot and blah blah blah. It’s ok because I loved my dad and I love my brother and I loved my mom. It’s just scary sometimes. Wondering when I’ll have someone by my side. After so much trauma, what do you do? I keep going. I’m going to keep telling myself it’s not my fault every time I think it is. Even if I had gotten my dad to a hospital who knows what would’ve happened. And it wasn’t even fair that I had to make those decisions. But that’s how it was and that’s how it is. I’m my mothers daughter and she would be proud. I just wish I had gotten him to a hospital. Maybe it was better because I wouldn’t have been able to be in there with him during the time because of covid. I wonder if covid wasn’t around, would we have even hesitated. This is horrible. I hate that I had to make all the decisions and I feel that one was wrong. 
 

im sorry dad. 

[Kristal]

9 hours ago, Healing2021 said:

I’m sitting here after not being on this website for a few months. My dad died in March and I still blame myself for not getting him to a hospital because we were afraid of covid. His doctor told us to get a covid test. If his doctor had said this is an emergency or to go to the hospital then we would have. I’m not a doctor I just try my best. 
 

now I’m sitting here for the maybe tenth time with my brother in the hospital. Not sure what’s wrong this time but other times have been severe panic attacks. I keep calm but at some point I have to call 911 because I get scared too. This time he was unconscious and now hasn’t been speaking or moving for hours. 
 

I think the hospital triggers my thoughts of my dad and the blame. Wondering if I had gotten him to a hospital would he be fine right now? Or would he have caught covid? Would he have passed at the hospital? Died in surgery? Or would they have fixed him and he be home and our life back to how it was? 
 

I know I made the best decisions at the time with what I knew. It just doesn’t feel good enough. I’ve taken care of this family since I was 16 and my mom died. I know I’ve taken on a lot and blah blah blah. It’s ok because I loved my dad and I love my brother and I loved my mom. It’s just scary sometimes. Wondering when I’ll have someone by my side. After so much trauma, what do you do? I keep going. I’m going to keep telling myself it’s not my fault every time I think it is. Even if I had gotten my dad to a hospital who knows what would’ve happened. And it wasn’t even fair that I had to make those decisions. But that’s how it was and that’s how it is. I’m my mothers daughter and she would be proud. I just wish I had gotten him to a hospital. Maybe it was better because I wouldn’t have been able to be in there with him during the time because of covid. I wonder if covid wasn’t around, would we have even hesitated. This is horrible. I hate that I had to make all the decisions and I feel that one was wrong. 
 

im sorry dad. 

Dont blame yourself ,dont take that guilt on after all you have done for your family. I lost my mom after she found out she had cancer two weeks prior then my grandmother a month later. I have had alot of guilt for not spending more time with my momma. I had a newborn, worked and i was honestly in denial about the cancer. I often spend my time alone because i work so much and have a special needs kiddo. The one day off i have, i spend alone and it gets tough. losing my mom and grandma hit really hard and continues to be difficult as they where the glue that held the family together. its tough but i keep moving forward, i encourage you to keep moving forward also. my heart is with ya! i joined as many grief groups as i could and am on a waitlist for grief counseling, have you thought of giving it a try?? Please dont take on all this guilt, i know i did and how this past year has affected me living in all the guilt and shame. I'm on the road to healing though and hope and pray for the same for you.