5 months and still can’t stop crying over my 81 yr old Papa

[Feeling Stupid]

I just feel stupid for grieving so long. I cry everyday, someday not so hard other like today are bad. My Dad raised me and he was my only family. I never had children because I was so scared I wouldn’t have enough patients for them. But after taking care of Dad he said I would have been a great Mom.. My Dad had a great life, he lived! He wasn’t like most Papa's, he was my Best Friend… We’d both tell each other Everything! Maybe way too much info that a father and daughter wouldn’t want to tell each other, but that was us..  He was 80 yrs old 2 months short of 81. He was such a strong fun man up until he got ill with COPD, diabetes and all the heart problems that come with all that. He married a woman 16 yrs younger than him and was married for 20 yrs. When he got sick the wife didn’t want to take care of him so he came and lived with my husband and I his last year. He told me that I would appreciate taking care of him because he had so much guilt for not being there when him Mother died. At the time I didn’t see what a gift it was to have him the last year until after he passed. But it was so hard watching such a strong Papa deteriorate in front of your eyes, and then to hear the Death Rattle sound that he made his last hours. I keep hearing it!  I just have so much guilt for not being more patient with him towards the end. But I Know Dad knew me for my patients because I was just like him…And I can hear him telling me to get on and live my life. We’d have long talks about his life and what a great life he lived. He gave me a month to grieve over him and then I was to get up and live a great life because he had.. So then I feel guilt for not doing that… lol.. He would kick my ass if he saw me now.. There is so much death going on in the world of people that didn’t get to live a fulfilled life. I just can’t understand why I just can’t move pass this sadness. I would not have wanted him to live in pain. I was just wanting to know if there are other grown people out there that are having the same trouble.

[reader]

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. It's really hard to lose your Papa. Please don't be hard on yourself and know there is no fixed timeline for grief. The first year is the hardest. I know I cried an ocean of tears for my dad for the first two years. Almost 5 years later there are still days I am sad he is not here to see more of life.

You went through so much caring for your dad. Those final moment being with them is also very hard. Have you considered getting some grief counselling? Or joining a support group? 

I also found these websites helpful in processing my grief. I think being a caregiver is also adds another layer of grief.

Aging Care

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Share

Grief Recovery Method

What's Your Grief

Thinking of you.

 

[Feeling Stupid]

So sorry for your loss.  
Thank you for reaching out with those website, i will look into them. I did sign up for a grief class, today was to be the first day but i just couldn’t go. I just feel so broken.. But reading all the other post did help, one post talked about forgiving herself. That was good for me to hear. I never thought of it that way, but I just now need to figure out how to forgive myself. I know my Dad didn’t have a 2nd thought about forgiving me. He could see how hard this was on all of us. You know I’ve worked all my life and was able to take an early retirement when my Papa moved in with us. I thought I had a stressful job, but it was nothing compared to being a caretaker for someone who you love so very much. I’ve totally let myself go… I’m lucky to comb my hair after a shower… My husbands been good, but he’s just about done with me at this point. I just need to figure it out. This website was a start. Thank you so much for listening..

[reader]

I hear you because I too suffer from lack of self compassion and forgiveness. You did so much for your dad. I do think the Aging Care website might be helpful in offering you more support. So many people there cared for elderly parents expressing the same feelings. It's easier said than done but try be to kind and gentle to yourself. 

Take care your time and know we are here with you.

[Feeling Stupid]

I think you are a true Angel.. Thanks so much I will check that website out.

[Feeling Stupid]

Wow, you are really an Angel! I so wish I had have read Aging Care when my Papa was alive. He was so grateful and appreciated for everything I did for him. He always told me that he was living like a King! I didn’t want him to be without a thing.. And he truly wasn’t. He was as worried about me as I was for him. It was getting to the point I wouldn’t be able to pick him up. He was starting to fall a lot. I could have never done the diaper thing, nor he wouldn’t of wanted me too…Hospice came in about 2 weeks before Dad died.I can’t say enough about how wonderful they were. He was able to get Morphine for the pain finally.. It was the last days that I wish so much I could change. He didn’t want to eat or take his pills so I yelled at him telling him I didn’t care what he wanted, he was going to eat and take his pills, but with a few bad words.  I was so worried he’d have a diabetic attack if he didn’t eat or take his shots. I just wish I wouldn’t of freaked out on him. That afternoon, he just slept and when I woke him up for lunch he just was out of it.. Then that night the Death Rattle came and when I called hospice they told me he didn’t have long to go. My husband and I both stayed with him that night.. the next morning our nurse was shocked that he went down hill so fast. She told me he did this for me, he wanted to make sure she was there to help me when he passed. He died an hour after she got here.. Thank you so much for listening, you are truly an Angel..