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Last act of love


LMR

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I was thinking this earlier today.  I love him as much as ever, possibly even more as our love seemed to continue to grow all through our relationship, and death didn't stop it.  I guess  it is really true, absence makes the heart grow even stronger.  -   But - my life is missing so much, his input, his thoughts, his unexpected comments and wit and his testosterone....!  It's like remembering that wonderful buffet then walking away always hungry, never to be satiated

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I'm reading a new book on grieving "Crossing the owl's bridge" by Kim Bateman. She says that we have to find a new way to connect to our loved ones so that we can continue to give them our love.

This clip is basically the introduction of her book.

 

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LMR - Wow, I love the TEDx clip of Dr. Kim Bateman you have posted. Thank you so much!   I lost my husband 3 months after yours and I am still really stuck in my raw pain.  I still cannot look at his photos. I have put some of his belongings out but have put many away.   I do think of him constantly but have found that planning any ritual, any remembrance is just gut-wrentching.  On seeing Dr. Bateman talk about this, I want to try again.  These rituals, these acts of love, are truly the ways to connect with them, to honor them, to continue our love.  I am scared to death of the pain, and don’t know what I will do yet!  Re-plant his garden?  That seems so trite!  I cannot bear yet to listen to his music.   What are any of you doing to honor/remember them?  Watch that video clip and let me know?   I am so tired of being stuck but I am afraid of the hurt if I move forward….  

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@AnnRA I came upon the book by chance and its different perspective (death in folk tales) is interesting. When I started reading what she said about connecting I realised this was why I was doing so much better last year. I was planning a trip to spread his ashes in a beautiful place. I was planning a party for his friends, a remembrance book, photo cushions, tattoo. For one reason or another none of these things got done but at the time I think it was a bit like when we used to plan a trip, we were sharing something. I suppose when everything totally shut down I did too. I've really done nothing but sit around crying since then.

Like you I still cannot listen to his music. I do have a couple of photos out. Sometimes I find I need to hide from them. One of the photos sometimes seems to smile at me differently.

I don't yet know what I am going to do. One thing I have been planning for a while is a "day of the dead" remembrance. Last year I walked around my neighborhood which has a lot of Hispanic people, hoping to find an altar. I didn't find any, everywhere was deserted, the cemeteries were all locked up. I felt at the time that it would have helped me so this year I am definitely going to do my own.

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5 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

Not long after he died, I started donating red blood cells as often as they will let me so that maybe someone else's suffering will be less.  I always think of it as honoring my husband's memory and his courageous battle with cancer.

Darlene13:  I am very sorry for your loss. What you and your husband went through had to have been very hard. And now a painful memory. Honoring your husband's memory by donating red blood cells I think is an excellent and amazing thing to do. A lot of people are being helped because of you. You're like a silent hero only you aren't; just think of how many lives you have helped to make better. Those lives are not silent. They have a voice because of yours...  

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Thanks for your kind words, @tnd.  It doesn't feel like much, but I do hope it's eased the suffering of others.  

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21 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

Not long after he died, I started donating red blood cells as often as they will let me so that maybe someone else's suffering will be less.  I always think of it as honoring my husband's memory and his courageous battle with cancer.

That is beautiful and what better way to honor him!

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On 7/17/2021 at 5:48 PM, Darlene13 said:

It doesn't feel like much, but I do hope it's eased the suffering of others.  

Darlene13: Perhaps I should have mentioned this earlier. Sorry I didn't but donating any blood product is appreciated more than donors like you realize. Over the years my own husband had several blood transfusions and I can personally attest to it's value and the life it gives back to the recipient. Thank you! 

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I wish I could donate blood but I'm too scared to after what happened to me in my 30s.  I had my young children with me, they took my blood pressure and said it was "borderline" whatever that meant (they didn't tell me the numbers).  I hadn't had high BP before except when I had toxemia when I was pregnant.  They drew my blood...and lost me.  I was up above watching them work on my body, my children's faces were white, they were terrified, the workers were frantically working on my body.  I felt peaceful, the draw into the tunnel felt alluring, but I couldn't leave my kids to be raised by their dad alone, so I came back into my body and everyone was relieved to get me back.  

I haven't donated blood since.  I admire those who can.  I battle high BP even on three Rxs and living as healthy as I can.

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@KayC Oh my gosh, I didn't realize donating blood could make you almost die...yikes!  I'm glad you're still with us!

I had never donated before my husband died, and the first time, I tried to give whole blood.  I started to feel like I was going to pass out and nothing they tried was helping.  Being a redhead, I had to make it as dramatic as possible (LOL) with everyone gathered around me telling me to cough, soaking my head with wet towels, etc and it still took quite a while to feel like I was ok.   They never let me donate more than red blood cells now and it goes much better.

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Technically I did die, I had it happen one other time when I was over anesthetized before surgery, all because the doctor's office refused to weigh me & I tried to tell them I'd lost weight.  They had to give me chest compressions while I was cut open on the operating table!  Then they lied to me about it until I confronted them with the bruising, then she admitted it and got huffy.  I don't trust medical people very much anymore!  Let's just say, I try to stay away from hospitals!

That time, also, I felt I was given a choice to go or stay, and I saw my Arlie (dog) and kitty wondering where mommy was...I chose to stay.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't trust medical people very much anymore!  Let's just say, I try to stay away from hospitals!

Kay, I for one am glad you're still here with us. I totally agree with you on how you feel about the medical field. After what my wife went through with every doctor, specialist, neurologist, oncologist, nurses, you name it, I have to agree with your dislike. It's like you're just another piece coming down the assembly line and they can't wait to pass you off. Mind you there was the odd nurse that actually was compassionate, otherwise it was a horrible experience. My dad went in the hospital and he didn't make it out, same with my mom, and the most hurtful of all , my wife definitely didn't make it out. The same day the doctor told her to get to the hospital, she told her mother, "I'm not coming home again." Two weeks before she passed away, a whole team of doctors came in and asked her what her goal was. My wife said she wanted to walk out of the hospital on her own two feet. They knew that it would be a huge challenge for them and agreed that when she got home she would get home care, nurses, the whole works. A week later they tell me that she only had days to live. A lot of thoughts go through my head but it is very difficult to actually know what happened. All I know is that the medical system failed her from many different aspects and I am left devastated without her.

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3 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

They knew that it would be a huge challenge for them and agreed that when she got home she would get home care, nurses, the whole works. A week later they tell me that she only had days to live. A lot of thoughts go through my head but it is very difficult to actually know what happened. All I know is that the medical system failed her from many different aspects and I am left devastated without her.

Sparky1:  That's terrible! I'm sorry you went thru that. I don't have a lot of confidence in the medical world, either. A whole laundry list of why. One example is when my husband was in the hospital he began to suffer from bed sores. The PT people would come and have him do little exercises (if you could call it that) in his bed but despite him telling them that he felt he could get up and walk a little, they wouldn't let him up. Neither would the nurses. They said he was too much of a "fall risk". Well, in my mind, they should have helped him up and got him a walker (that's what I was given when I was in the hospital) and one or even two of them walk beside or behind you. But you must get up every now and then. I've had a surgeon ask me if I could walk and altho I was in pain, I said yes because I knew that the sooner I was up and walking, the sooner things would circulate better in my body and the sooner I could go home. The surgeon was so pleased by my response, he said he wished all his patients were like me. So when my husband told the nurses and PT people that he felt up to walking, they should have looked at that as a plus. Instead, they were probably too afraid of litigation (being sued) if he fell so instead, they just left him laying there every day. And then he got bed sores. And then the bed sores became infected. That was the first time I had ever heard him cry. Really cry. The infected bed sores are even mentioned as a contributing factor to his death on the death certificate. So no, I've had it up to "here" with trusting medical staff. Okay, rant over.    

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57 minutes ago, tnd said:

Sparky1:  That's terrible! I'm sorry you went thru that. I don't have a lot of confidence in the medical world, either. A whole laundry list of why. One example is when my husband was in the hospital he began to suffer from bed sores. The PT people would come and have him do little exercises (if you could call it that) in his bed but despite him telling them that he felt he could get up and walk a little, they wouldn't let him up. Neither would the nurses. They said he was too much of a "fall risk". Well, in my mind, they should have helped him up and got him a walker (that's what I was given when I was in the hospital) and one or even two of them walk beside or behind you. But you must get up every now and then. I've had a surgeon ask me if I could walk and altho I was in pain, I said yes because I knew that the sooner I was up and walking, the sooner things would circulate better in my body and the sooner I could go home. The surgeon was so pleased by my response, he said he wished all his patients were like me. So when my husband told the nurses and PT people that he felt up to walking, they should have looked at that as a plus. Instead, they were probably too afraid of litigation (being sued) if he fell so instead, they just left him laying there every day. And then he got bed sores. And then the bed sores became infected. That was the first time I had ever heard him cry. Really cry. The infected bed sores are even mentioned as a contributing factor to his death on the death certificate. So no, I've had it up to "here" with trusting medical staff. Okay, rant over.    

My wife had a sore on her leg that was obviously infected and all they did was put a bandage on it. A few days later I noticed it was oozing brownish liquid and I asked the nurse when the bandage was last changed and she lied and said they changed it often. I told her I wanted it changed right away and she begrudgingly changed it in front of me. Because of this damn covid, I could only go 3 times a week for 1 hour at a time, otherwise I would have been there all day. Sure, when it was too late, they let me stay as long as I wanted. I felt so helpless knowing she was getting worse and that I couldn't do more or be there for as much as I would have liked. My poor wife spent most of the month and a half alone and there's nothing I could do about it. I prayed she would make it and get the hell out of that f***ing hospital and unfortunately, she did not.

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Sparky1:  What you went thru was absolute hell. Bad enough our spouses died but knowing they endured suffering due to lack of care has added to my grief. I couldn't be with my husband either...homebound on oxygen and no transportation. And he had our only bank card with him so I didn't even have a way to pay for a taxi. And no friends/family here. But I swear, if I could have been there things would have been different. I have no way of knowing if the outcome would have been different but I think if I could have been there he wouldn't have suffered like he did. I cry about that a lot. I feel that I failed him. And now I've got to accept that he's gone and I just can't do it yet. Every day I get up and try to think about my upcoming move and all the crap that has to be done but about every hour or so I just want to cry because I want my husband here. So I know the pain you are going through right now. It's a terrible pain. I am so use to being able to fight for things that I think are worth it, even if I don't get the results I want I still have the satisfaction of knowing I did my best. But in this case, how do we even begin to fight this?? The death of our spouses is final...and I didn't get a chance to fight it or to even try to prevent it. So there's nothing to fight except this pain I now have. And I'm afraid I am not doing a good job at that. It's weird but about the only comfort I get is coming on here.    

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On 7/16/2021 at 4:41 AM, AnnRA said:

I still cannot look at his photos.

 

On 7/16/2021 at 1:33 PM, LMR said:

Like you I still cannot listen to his music. I do have a couple of photos out. Sometimes I find I need to hide from them.

These comments esp hit home. It was some time before I could look at photos of her or listen to music that was special to us or reminded me of her. Give it time and go with what works - don't you dare feel bad about dealing with hit however you need to. It's OK to not look at photos or listen to music (etc) because it's too painful. A fav photo of us now sits proudly on my desk as I type this. Yes it's still hard in some way to look at but it's also now good for me to see her beautiful smiling face there, with me. And on occasion to listen to that music that no one but me will ever get how special it is and why. Again, give it time.

 

 

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

Technically I did die, I had it happen one other time when I was over anesthetized before surgery, all because the doctor's office refused to weigh me & I tried to tell them I'd lost weight.  They had to give me chest compressions while I was cut open on the operating table!  Then they lied to me about it until I confronted them with the bruising, then she admitted it and got huffy.  I don't trust medical people very much anymore!  Let's just say, I try to stay away from hospitals!

This SO infuriates me. You don't want to know what I'd like to do to these POSs.  When people talk about or I read about "what is the biggest cause of death" I always think DUH - MEDICAL INCOMPETENCE. IMO blows heart disease and cancer out of the water. I recall when I had a heart attack, the ambulance taking their sweet old time getting me to the hospital...where I had a second attack and could have easily died (100% blockage as it turned out). Or when my beloved lapsed into a coma and the Dr refused to put her on a nutritional IV because "it might cause an infection" (I will curse myself to my grave for not challenging that POS on that glaring BS, if not just slamming him into a wall). On and on it goes. 

Rant aside and point being: NEVER be afraid to challenge these pompous idiots if something doesn't seem quite right. Mention words like "lawyers" if necessary. Vermin typically squirm at words like that. 

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14 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

It's like you're just another piece coming down the assembly line and they can't wait to pass you off.

Haha, at first I read this as "they can't wait to piss you off!"  Yeah, that too!  

14 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

All I know is that the medical system failed her from many different aspects and I am left devastated without her.

Yes.  My husband may have had good care that last weekend, all we know is what we're told, but his own PCP let him down.  Who knows but what he'd still be here had he been sent to a cardiologist instead of poo-pooed when he had his first major heart attack six months prior.  You can't believe how that doctor talked to him, how he made it sound like George wanted to milk the system!  No, he in fact had a very major heart attack that did severe damage that there was no coming back from.  He was humiliated on top of it.  That doctor was so wrong, I had audience with him after George died and spent 1/2 hour TELLING HIM to promise me he'd never do to another patient what he did to George and another man who also died of a heart attack that month from the same negligence.

All of you, I hear you and feel the same!  Everything I've been learning in the last over 1 1/2 years of my own journey to health reiterates how wrong we are taught and dealt with.  Some of the doctors out of ignorance, some of them out of lack of caring, but it all boils down to incompetence.  It's hard, I try to avoid them if possible, that's just me, but the healthier I can get myself on my own, the better off I am.  I have learned to question, not blindly accept everything at face value.

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

Haha, at first I read this as "they can't wait to piss you off!"  Yeah, that too!  

Oh yes, they did piss me off, but they really pissed my wife off. My wife never hid her emotions from anyone and told it like it was. She hated her doctor, what a b***h she was. Test after test, she wanted an MRI on my wife a day after they did one. My wife refused and I guess the bad blood came out. I tried to calm my wife down, telling her that these so called doctors and nurses have your life in their hands and who knows what they'll do to you. I'm sure everything wasn't hunky Dory after that.

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3 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I tried to calm my wife down, telling her that these so called doctors and nurses have your life in their hands and who knows what they'll do to you. I'm sure everything wasn't hunky Dory after that.

Sparky1:  I went thru something similar except that it was my husband's sister who wrongly butted in and was chewing on them over the phone. She shouldn't have felt that she needed to do that but she ended up causing a lot of trouble. After that they told me they would only talk to me and me only but even so, it made it very difficult to get answers out of them after that fiasco. In fact, the doctors wouldn't talk to me. They would never call me back. They didn't even call me after my husband died. None of them.  

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13 hours ago, KayC said:

Haha, at first I read this as "they can't wait to piss you off!"  Yeah, that too!  

Yes.  My husband may have had good care that last weekend, all we know is what we're told, but his own PCP let him down.  Who knows but what he'd still be here had he been sent to a cardiologist instead of poo-pooed when he had his first major heart attack six months prior.  You can't believe how that doctor talked to him, how he made it sound like George wanted to milk the system!  No, he in fact had a very major heart attack that did severe damage that there was no coming back from.  He was humiliated on top of it.  That doctor was so wrong, I had audience with him after George died and spent 1/2 hour TELLING HIM to promise me he'd never do to another patient what he did to George and another man who also died of a heart attack that month from the same negligence.

All of you, I hear you and feel the same!  Everything I've been learning in the last over 1 1/2 years of my own journey to health reiterates how wrong we are taught and dealt with.  Some of the doctors out of ignorance, some of them out of lack of caring, but it all boils down to incompetence.  It's hard, I try to avoid them if possible, that's just me, but the healthier I can get myself on my own, the better off I am.  I have learned to question, not blindly accept everything at face value.

AMEN

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On 7/16/2021 at 1:41 AM, AnnRA said:

LMR - Wow, I love the TEDx clip of Dr. Kim Bateman you have posted. Thank you so much!   I lost my husband 3 months after yours and I am still really stuck in my raw pain.  I still cannot look at his photos. I have put some of his belongings out but have put many away.   I do think of him constantly but have found that planning any ritual, any remembrance is just gut-wrentching.  On seeing Dr. Bateman talk about this, I want to try again.  These rituals, these acts of love, are truly the ways to connect with them, to honor them, to continue our love.  I am scared to death of the pain, and don’t know what I will do yet!  Re-plant his garden?  That seems so trite!  I cannot bear yet to listen to his music.   What are any of you doing to honor/remember them?  Watch that video clip and let me know?   I am so tired of being stuck but I am afraid of the hurt if I move forward….  

AnnRA How are you doing now? Have you tried anything yet? We live with the pain every day. It will be there even if we are trying not to remember. I prefer to remember. I cry a lot but I still like to talk to him.

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Whilst I am trying to pack up my life here I am finding it so hard to throw things away. I've decided that the shirts that I am not keeping I am going to cut a few squares from to use in a sewing project later. Maybe just a pathchwork cushion case or something like that. Something huggable.

Also did you ever hear of the "kindness rocks" project? You paint designs and messages on rocks and give them away or just leave them on the path for someone to find. I thought I would make some and pass them out to his friends.

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Diane R. E.
13 hours ago, LMR said:

You paint designs and messages on rocks and give them away or just leave them on the path for someone to find.

Someone has been doing this in a neighborhood near me and I often walk by them as they brighten my day. Here's a picture of two of them.

Kindness Rocks.jpg

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15 hours ago, LMR said:

Also did you ever hear of the "kindness rocks" project? You paint designs and messages on rocks and give them away or just leave them on the path for someone to find. I thought I would make some and pass them out to his friends.

That's a wonderful idea.  I've seen some around from time to time.  Along one of the walking paths are a few small outdoor shrines where people leave or take tokens.

Funny how we imbue rocks with meaning.  They connect us to the elemental, the earth, but feel spiritual as well.  A good friend was at a retreat and on her daily solitary walk.  She looked down and saw a rock that spoke to her as somehow, "This is John," so she brought it home and gave it to me.  I looked at it and realized she is right.  It's balanced, but slightly asymmetrical; strong and hard, but with soft edges; and with little sparkles that shine through even the dark depths of it.  I balanced it into a perfect little mini cairn with one of the light sandstone rocks he found one day at the beach.  It's very yin-yang somehow, though they balance only when shaped into a heart.  They're on the front porch so I can see them every day.

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@foreverhis    That sounds really beautiful.

I have a few rocks and small pieces of driftwood that we collected together. When I am settled in my new home I plan to create a miniature Zen garden for some of his ashes with these pieces and maybe some painted rocks too.

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Diane R. E., maybe you can add one.

Somebody would be happy to know they brightened your day which is the whole point, but I also think we gain something from creating them.

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I'm so glad you like that Diane. For once I feel like I've helped somebody.☺

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4 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

every morning wake up is the nightmare starting…

Amyjohnfolkers:  I am very sorry that you are in so much pain. All of us on here are in pain. I hate how my life is right now, too. It IS a nitemare! I keep thinking that my husband would want me to continue on but that is so hard to think about right now. I am so glad that other people on this site understand and talk to me. I think sharing our thoughts and feelings helps. I've learned some things from the people on here and it helps me to keep what they say in mind.  I guess that's one of the reasons we were talking about "Kindness Rocks" to paint and share. It might help with the pain we are feeling. If for a moment. Maybe you could paint a rock with a message on it or a picture that might make someone smile. WE may not be able to smile right now but maybe the rocks can smile for us and let the world know that we are alive. 

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Amyjohnfolkers

Thanks for the reply and comforting me. I just don’t want to do anything anymore.

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20 minutes ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

Thanks for the reply and comforting me. I just don’t want to do anything anymore.

Amyjohnfolkers: That is how I feel too. I have a million things I need to do but don't want to. I just want to lay in bed or just sit and be alone with my thoughts. I miss talking to my husband. I'm kind of angry that this happened. We had been through so much and then this happened. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself but I feel so low right now and it's hard to get anything done around here and I've got a lot to do. But that's why people come on here. We try to help each other or just listen. The pain is terrible but at least we are not alone with how we feel. I have to believe that my husband somehow sees me and we will be rejoined later in Heaven, if God should decide we should be. Right now I feel like I am just a shell of what I was. I am going to have to rebuild my life, rebuild my self but for now I just want to grieve. You are not alone. 

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9 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

Thanks for the reply and comforting me. I just don’t want to do anything anymore.

I understand, I think we all have or do feel that way...I no longer feel interest in my cardmaking like I did for over 35 years.  All of the supplies have gathered dust...

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16 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

I just felt my life ended that day my dear John’s gone, but I still alive, breathe in ,breathe out, eat , cry, sleep, that all I do every day.

That''s the paradox of our life. ;(

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On 7/23/2021 at 1:27 PM, LMR said:

@foreverhis    That sounds really beautiful.

I have a few rocks and small pieces of driftwood that we collected together. When I am settled in my new home I plan to create a miniature Zen garden for some of his ashes with these pieces and maybe some painted rocks too.

It is.  My friend said she didn't even notice at first that John's rock is basically shaped as half a heart.

 

Rock2.jpeg

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On 7/14/2021 at 9:29 PM, tnd said:

I miss talking to my husband and holding his hand.

That is exactly what I miss so much. Quite often one of us would say someything and the other would say "get out of my head, I was just thinking that" I think the depth of our relationship was due to us being together for so many years, and the fact that we had the same life views, ethics and morals. We both loved to do the same things, but we also had our own interests and hobbies. But just knowing his was always there for me, and I could hold his hand gave me such comfort!  I am an avid reader, him not so much.  However he would love for me to tell him what I was reading about.  He would say, I like it better hearing it from you rather than reading it.  

No marriage is perfect. And we had our rough patches. But whatever we faced, we did it together.  My heart is broken and I don't know how long it will take for this pain and emptiness to begin to subside. But I can honestly say that, knowing the depth of this grief, I would do it all again.  I feel that I was blessed to have had the life we shared. and every tear I shed is not just from sadness, but based in love and gratitude.

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