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Lost my mother to covid and since then everything seems to be lost.


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It was May 21, 2021. The day I lost my life. I lost my soul and the body is left with me. I am 22 years old. I had a very unique relationship with my mother. She was my mother, father, best friend, sometimes she becomes my sibling and a teacher and she was and is my life. My whole world was within my mother. I never thought that I would loose my mother to a pandemic. When the call came from the hospital to tell me that my mother is no more, that day my heart sank and till now my heart aches everyday from that pain. I still can't believe that my mother died. It's been nearly two months but it still feels like of yesterday. The doctor said it was too late when I admitted my mother and I think I killed my mother because I had not taken her to the hospital earlier. That is the guilt, I will live with forever. I don't know what to do. I am very scared like a child who lost his mother, his guardian in a crowd. Life seems pointless to me. Everything I have planned in my life, she was always in that plan. I thought of giving everything I can but before the start of my career I lost her. People are saying I have to move on because time is flying and if I will take too much time, I will loose the precious time of my career because in the end I have to earn money and become independent. I am not denying the fact that career is important. But I have lost my life to covid which is unexpected and I am still shocked. I have lost my focus, my concentration. I just want to run away and not face anyone. People say a man should be strong. But I am very weak in the case of my mother. I think if I will move on, I will forget her which I don't want to. I just don't know what to do and life now just seems like a burden and people don't understand my pain.

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Beatrixszabo

I understand your pain. And you don't have to be strong. I'm in the same situation, I lost my mom to cancer 5 weeks ago. Although I'm 41, but it doesn't make the things easier. It is normal what you feel I think, I feel the same. I can't move on and I don't want to, because for me it is like forgetting her. But this is a very short time yet, we need ages, and this pain will stay with us all in our life I guess. Sadly. I miss my mom so so much, I can't do anything but crying. All my life collapsed,  I dont see any sense. You are not alone.

 

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unluckydaughter

Dear Orchid,

I lost my dad to covid too, in April. I am going through the exact same thing as you. I’m still in a state of shock as my dad was healthy with no comorbidities. He was due for his second dose of covid vaccine 2 days before he was admitted to hospital. He didn’t show any usual covid symptoms but covid had damaged his lungs silently and he was gone in 5 days. I also don’t want to face people, not want to have normal conversations, I’m not ready to listen to sympathies. In fact I’m so frustrated looking at people enjoying as if covid is gone. I’m so angry thinking why did we become the victims while lakhs of people who are not following any covid protocols have survived! My immediate family member who is 75+ didn’t take vaccine because he doesn’t “believe” in it, which is fine, but he’s perfectly fine although he doesn’t sit at home. The question “why us” keeps bothering me. So you’re not alone.
But as far as your guilt is concerned, don’t keep the guilt of not taking your mom to hospital sooner. I was in the same boat, my brother and I kept thinking what we could have done to avoid this. But later we saw a family member who was an influential person and got a personal nurse and a hospital kind of setup at home as soon as he started showing slightest symptoms and tested positive. He was doing fine but he became critical and had to be moved to ICU all of a sudden. Even there he was given a dedicated doctor and nurse but still didn’t survive. Just think it was not in your hands. Don’t be too hard on yourself. My situation is worse than yours if it makes you feel any better - I live in a different country and couldn’t travel to see my dad. I am still unable to travel to meet my family. As a daughter I failed. You did your best.

I’m with you about the moving on part. I don’t wanna move on too for the same reason as yours. In fact there are times when my mind is totally occupied on something else like watching tv, but then all of a sudden I remember dad and feel how can I enjoy this way when dad is no more. So many things like this run in my mind which may sound silly to others but only a person who lost a parent can understand this. I would say may be you cannot move on, but try to build your career thinking this is what mom would have loved you to do. I have started to paint because I got this talent from my dad, I have his genes in me. This is a first step. I don’t know when things will get better, or will it get any better at all. I’m just hanging in there. Hope we get some closure.

 

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Fairley

Dear Orchid,

i am truly sorry for your loss. My relationship with my mother was exactly the same as yours! I didn’t lose my mother to covid but she declined quickly then passed. I am still asking myself how and why. I wasn’t there when my mom passed and I live with that everyday. All my life, she depended on me. We depended on each other and I feel like I let her down. I felt like she knew if nobody else was going to be there, I would and I wasn’t. I just told someone today, what’s the point? My mother will never see me be successful, buy a house, have more children. All those moments that were supposed to be between us, are gone. I just hurt. When people say a piece of you dies with someone, that is so real! My heart has been broken ever since April 13, 2021. Again, I’m sorry for your loss but you are not alone. I’m here to chat anytime you need. God bless you

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Thankyou all for your support but I think we have to live through this pain and keep our parents legacy alive. We have to tell the world whose child we are.

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Dear members, I just want to ask you something?

I lost my mother and my life is devastated by it. I miss my mother daily. But some people are saying that many people have lost more than me. For example, many children got orphaned due to covid. They have more problems than me. So, I have to move on. I understand their pain and I am also very sorry for their loss and they have more problems than me. But simply moving on because someone has more problems than me. I don't get it.

So what are your views about it?

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Beatrixszabo

I think of others who lost their loved ones. And I'm really sorry for their loss. Really. But my loss is mine. I can't move on just because other's have bigger problems. For me my problem is the biggest, for you yours, and so on. And that's it. In this situation this is not a good explanation what they say.  For instance if you haven't got the best phone ever, maybe you can be told that why are you crying, others have no food to eat. That's ok. But this is not the case now. Don't think too much about what others say, this is your loss, your life, your pain, your journey. Don't worry. Everything is OK with you if you can't move on.

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unluckydaughter

 

21 hours ago, Orchid said:

Dear members, I just want to ask you something?

I lost my mother and my life is devastated by it. I miss my mother daily. But some people are saying that many people have lost more than me. For example, many children got orphaned due to covid. They have more problems than me. So, I have to move on. I understand their pain and I am also very sorry for their loss and they have more problems than me. But simply moving on because someone has more problems than me. I don't get it.

So what are your views about it?

This is the most annoying statement I’ve been hearing since 3 months after losing my dad to covid (along with many more standard sympathy messages). I have been told exact same comparisons about orphaned kids due to covid. While I feel sorry for everyone who lost their loved ones especially from deadly covid, it annoys me to the core to hear such statements from even close friends and relatives. I have my own problem I have lost my loving parent who meant the world to me and it is big for me. How on earth can my mindset change to look at others’ problems and convince myself that I’m better off than others. I’m 30, I have my own baby, but I was still my papa’s baby. Can anyone else love me like him? And what annoys me more? The fact that this advice is coming from people who are super happy in their lives and they do not even have an idea what it feels like to lose a loved one, especially a parent!! They have not faced any tragedy in their lives. And the deadly second wave of covid hasn’t impacted them even a bit. Their lives continue to be even better now. I’m tired of these standard sympathy messages, and I’ve been avoiding having normal conversations with everyone for the very same reason. I know I’m being mean but I just want to see their reactions when they lose someone close. Some people may say these words genuinely out of concern, but again they haven’t gone through something similar so they don’t get it.

Don’t worry the “moving on” so quickly and so easily is not possible. It’s not even easy to compare and think my situation is better than that of others. Now is not the time or situation to be broadminded.

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Missmybeautifulmum
23 hours ago, Orchid said:

Dear members, I just want to ask you something?

I lost my mother and my life is devastated by it. I miss my mother daily. But some people are saying that many people have lost more than me. For example, many children got orphaned due to covid. They have more problems than me. So, I have to move on. I understand their pain and I am also very sorry for their loss and they have more problems than me. But simply moving on because someone has more problems than me. I don't get it.

So what are your views about it?

Just because others might be going through terrible things,  it doesn't any effect on your pain at all.  I feel for others going through loss of course, that might well be deemed "worse".. it helps me to some extent to keep things in perspective a little,  but the awareness of others going through "worse" does nothing to alleviate my own enormous pain... as for me,  I can't imagine any emotional pain worse than losing my mum (I have been through other close losses) relationships and bonds are so unique and individual,  I think it's impossible to quantify stuff like this... It's a very sensitive area I guess. 

I'm summary, no one has the right to say this to you,  it's probably an extremely misguided attempt to make you feel better (?!) by people who have absolutely no idea what it's like to lose the person you're the closest you in the whole world. IMO it's extremely rude and thoughtless as what they're actually doing is minimising/ dismissing your pain. 

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On 7/17/2021 at 10:41 PM, Orchid said:

Dear members, I just want to ask you something?

I lost my mother and my life is devastated by it. I miss my mother daily. But some people are saying that many people have lost more than me. For example, many children got orphaned due to covid. They have more problems than me. So, I have to move on. I understand their pain and I am also very sorry for their loss and they have more problems than me. But simply moving on because someone has more problems than me. I don't get it.

So what are your views about it?

That's the sickest part I also hear all the time and from those people who haven't lost anyone due to covid. I know many people have been hit brutally by this covid and many kids are orphaned now and I also feel the pain but this should not come the mouth of those people who are fit and healthy with their families. They just don't know how it feels to lose a parent. They just don't. They forget that we need a silent support and understanding but they just can't give it. Hence I avoid every person who says stupid things like this. 

Sometimes I feel that all those people who lost their parent to covid should live at one place so that we can get rid of such insensitive people.

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21 hours ago, Missmybeautifulmum said:

Just because others might be going through terrible things,  it doesn't any effect on your pain at all.  I feel for others going through loss of course, that might well be deemed "worse".. it helps me to some extent to keep things in perspective a little,  but the awareness of others going through "worse" does nothing to alleviate my own enormous pain... as for me,  I can't imagine any emotional pain worse than losing my mum (I have been through other close losses) relationships and bonds are so unique and individual,  I think it's impossible to quantify stuff like this... It's a very sensitive area I guess. 

I'm summary, no one has the right to say this to you,  it's probably an extremely misguided attempt to make you feel better (?!) by people who have absolutely no idea what it's like to lose the person you're the closest you in the whole world. IMO it's extremely rude and thoughtless as what they're actually doing is minimising/ dismissing your pain. 

Yeah. We should alone figure out how to move through this.

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1 hour ago, Aru said:

That's the sickest part I also hear all the time and from those people who haven't lost anyone due to covid. I know many people have been hit brutally by this covid and many kids are orphaned now and I also feel the pain but this should not come the mouth of those people who are fit and healthy with their families. They just don't know how it feels to lose a parent. They just don't. They forget that we need a silent support and understanding but they just can't give it. Hence I avoid every person who says stupid things like this. 

Sometimes I feel that all those people who lost their parent to covid should live at one place so that we can get rid of such insensitive people.

We need a lot of healing and that healing will come from inside, through the memories of our loved parent and our love towards them and their loved towards us. You know sometimes when I don't cry thinking about my mother, I fear that I am forgetting her. I always want to keep alive all my memories with my mother. I never ever want to forget her.

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24 minutes ago, Orchid said:

We need a lot of healing and that healing will come from inside, through the memories of our loved parent and our love towards them and their loved towards us. You know sometimes when I don't cry thinking about my mother, I fear that I am forgetting her. I always want to keep alive all my memories with my mother. I never ever want to forget her.

I completely agree with you. I want my father with me forever. His love and care for me everything

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Karen82

Hi Orchid 

I lost my mum in May 20 and still struggle. My mum was shielding from Covid and we were all being so careful around her.  I stupidly had in my head we are all here and everyone is pretty much isolating so we will all get through this safely,  sadly she had a heart attack and passed away.  I think about my mum everyday and the tears still flow freely at times.  I think the way we feel is testament to how awesome our parent were,truly amazing!   Don’t let anyone down play your grief,  it’s your grief and your feelings and no one knows what’s inside your heart and your mind.  Anyone who hasn’t lost a parent doesn’t know how it feels, it’s worse than anyone could ever imagine.    I wish we all didn’t know what it was like :(

I contacted cruse bereavement a couple of months ago and they suggested writing a journal/letters to my mum.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it but today I did and I wrote my first letter to my mum in my journal.  Not going to lie there were tears but I’m willing to try anything to try and ease the pain of grief.
 

so sorry you have to go through this,  the hardest part of life is loosing the ones we love the most

 

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8 hours ago, Karen82 said:

Hi Orchid 

I lost my mum in May 20 and still struggle. My mum was shielding from Covid and we were all being so careful around her.  I stupidly had in my head we are all here and everyone is pretty much isolating so we will all get through this safely,  sadly she had a heart attack and passed away.  I think about my mum everyday and the tears still flow freely at times.  I think the way we feel is testament to how awesome our parent were,truly amazing!   Don’t let anyone down play your grief,  it’s your grief and your feelings and no one knows what’s inside your heart and your mind.  Anyone who hasn’t lost a parent doesn’t know how it feels, it’s worse than anyone could ever imagine.    I wish we all didn’t know what it was like :(

I contacted cruse bereavement a couple of months ago and they suggested writing a journal/letters to my mum.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it but today I did and I wrote my first letter to my mum in my journal.  Not going to lie there were tears but I’m willing to try anything to try and ease the pain of grief.
 

so sorry you have to go through this,  the hardest part of life is loosing the ones we love the most

 

Hey Karen82,

So sorry for your loss too. Everyone says the birth and death of a person is fixed and death is the ultimate reality. But it is very hard to accept that reality when a very close loved one passes away. I am also not able to accept that my mother is not with me anymore. That I have to now face the world alone. That my protector is gone. Sometimes I think that if she will come back then that would be the most amazing gift I would have ever received in my life. But that is not the reality. I know we will accept it some point in our life. But till then we have to deal with it.

I am also thinking that I will also write my mother letters from today.

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Karen82

Hi Orchid 

Thanks for your reply.  I know what you mean,  our mums are one of the people who will love us unconditionally and protect us no matter what and once that is gone the world can be a pretty scary place.  If your mum was both your mum and dad that’s really scary and devastating so don’t put pressure on your self grief takes however long it takes if only there was a stop button :(.  I hope you have some family around you to help you through this.  Grief changes people,  I know it has changed me.  I don’t really enjoy things I use to enjoy anymore but maybe in time that will change.  On bad days i seem to see white feathers and on occasion butterflies.  They may just be coincidence, who knows but if you think they could be signs they may bring a tiny bit of comfort.

Good luck with writing the letter,  maybe in time doing that may help

 

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Missmybeautifulmum
7 hours ago, Orchid said:

Hey Karen82,

So sorry for your loss too. Everyone says the birth and death of a person is fixed and death is the ultimate reality. But it is very hard to accept that reality when a very close loved one passes away. I am also not able to accept that my mother is not with me anymore. That I have to now face the world alone. That my protector is gone. Sometimes I think that if she will come back then that would be the most amazing gift I would have ever received in my life. But that is not the reality. I know we will accept it some point in our life. But till then we have to deal with it.

I am also thinking that I will also write my mother letters from today.

I know my mum has gone intellectually,  but my heart won't accept it. She was the person I loved the most and she loved me more than anyone too. I feel like I'm literally treading water at the moment, I don't know what to do with myself and I don't really want to do anything now my mum has left this world. I manage to only do little things, like I arranged my back yard yesterday with more plants and candles to create a pretty, calming space where I can reflect on mum. Even that feels like a waste of time though, now I can't tell her about it and show it to her... my heart isn't in anything now she's left me.  I feel like life makes no sense without her and it's lost it's meaning. People around me talk about normal things and worries etc but I can't relate to them now at all. My soul feels completely crushed. 

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Karen82
6 hours ago, Missmybeautifulmum said:

I know my mum has gone intellectually,  but my heart won't accept it. She was the person I loved the most and she loved me more than anyone too. I feel like I'm literally treading water at the moment, I don't know what to do with myself and I don't really want to do anything now my mum has left this world. I manage to only do little things, like I arranged my back yard yesterday with more plants and candles to create a pretty, calming space where I can reflect on mum. Even that feels like a waste of time though, now I can't tell her about it and show it to her... my heart isn't in anything now she's left me.  I feel like life makes no sense without her and it's lost it's meaning. People around me talk about normal things and worries etc but I can't relate to them now at all. My soul feels completely crushed. 

I totally relate to this,  there isn’t a normal for us anymore as life has changed forever.  I wish I could give you advice but 14months on and I still struggle.  I was off work for 14months on furlough and although at the beginning it worked out for the best with grieving I didn’t have anything to occupy my mind months after.  Im back to work now which helps but I think of mum multiple times a day and still feel very sad.  I really feel for you. I hope you can speak to a close family member to try and help you heal it’s going to take a long time.  If you have trouble sleeping try the headspace app or insight timer,  might just help you calm your mind to rest 

 

thinking of you 

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Hey members,

I just wanted to say that you know, it feels good to be a part of this community. To be able to share my grief and also hear yours. By reading all your experiences, I get some energy from within knowing that I am not alone. It feels good to know that we are in this together and we will together get through it.

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Missmybeautifulmum
21 hours ago, Karen82 said:

I totally relate to this,  there isn’t a normal for us anymore as life has changed forever.  I wish I could give you advice but 14months on and I still struggle.  I was off work for 14months on furlough and although at the beginning it worked out for the best with grieving I didn’t have anything to occupy my mind months after.  Im back to work now which helps but I think of mum multiple times a day and still feel very sad.  I really feel for you. I hope you can speak to a close family member to try and help you heal it’s going to take a long time.  If you have trouble sleeping try the headspace app or insight timer,  might just help you calm your mind to rest 

 

thinking of you 

Thank you,  I appreciate your message,  I can tell that you are a very kind, caring person x 

2 minutes ago, Orchid said:

Hey members,

I just wanted to say that you know, it feels good to be a part of this community. To be able to share my grief and also hear yours. By reading all your experiences, I get some energy from within knowing that I am not alone. It feels good to know that we are in this together and we will together get through it.

Me too x 

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