I dont know who to talk to.

[ellie98]

i lost my boyfriend of two years in April 2020. I guess i should say ex boyfriend. We had broken up in August 2019 when he left for school. But we got back together as soon as he returned for winter break when we just couldn't go two days without fighting like crazy. He had a drug problem and probably way more emotional issues that he, nor I ever understood. He ended up dropping out of school and living a dangerous life filled with new  girls,  bad friends, even worse influences, drugs and alcohol. I decided to give him the space he so wanted and finally accepted the fact that he no longer needed me. We lived a block away from each other. so i spent a month trying my hardest to not call him, hoping everyday to see him on my street or outside my house but it never happened. I spent the entire month of my birthday, our anniversary and Valentines alone longing for him. He never missed me enough to reach out. After trying so hard, I gave in and contacted him in March 2020 and he came over and we would act like we were together again. He brought me to his house one drunken night and had forgotten he had his new girl there too and had to walk me home because she was mad. I know this is crazy and I am so stupid but i was young and in love with this boy since I was literally 14. Now 23, I still act and feel like that stupid little preteen. Please believe me I know better, you'd probably never guess I am an educated young woman who would know better but I am. My heart is just too powerful and allowed me to accept those ways. After not talking again for a couple weeks we met up again now that he had moved out of his parents house and was staying in a rundown apartment. Once he invited me over I was not going to leave and it was the start of lockdown. We decided to do molly and got back together but I guess that had to do with it. I was around him all day and saw the sadness that was his life and his inability to care for anyone not even himself. I stayed at his place and lost 10 lbs  in a week because I couldn't eat and he didn't even notice. It hurt my heart to see this boy who once loved me and cared for me so much to be so cold. I once thought he was my soul mate. Our chemistry was so beautiful everyone noted how great of a pairing we made. How can I be angry at him when I know it was the drugs and horrible life situations that changes him so drastically? How was I supposed to just walk away and forget about him and only care for myself and my health? I couldn't. Everyday away from him was torture. Wondering if he was hurt or arrested or dead. It was so hard not to mention the idea of him with other girls literally making me sick i couldn't eat. I was sick because the boy who had my heart was sick. But we were together at least. Locked up in his apartment watching movies doing drugs and fighting every other day. But I did not want to be anywhere else. He would tell me things like "well belong together forever" and I dont think he knew how much that would catch me off guard and feed the idea in my head that he still loved me. By April we were staying in our homes again, mainly sleeping in my room. One we were waiting for his ride to get him as we sat on my porch and when they got there it was just a simple kiss on my head and he left and that was the last time I ever saw him. we were texting thru out the day he had plans to come over again that night but he ever did. He died that night. I have no idea what he took, but he never woke up. I am left now, constantly having horrible dreams where he hates me, breakup with me, ignores my calls and tells me he doesn't love me. I cannot go a single day without my heart feeling broken.  I feel I haven't mourned his death, only mourned the fact that he didn't love me. I cannot afford a therapist and I am a full time student in nursing school constantly learning about the drugs and disorders that killed the love of my life, who didn't love me back. It is exhausting. My friends are over listening to me. I just need advice if anyone could just understand my situation and offer any kind of help.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I suggest searching the 'net for possible free services the city or state might offer; that's what I found. Also there are often support groups of various kinds around the area through churches or charities. 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, ellie98 said:

I know this is crazy and I am so stupid but i was young and in love with this boy since I was literally 14. Now 23, I still act and feel like that stupid little preteen. Please believe me I know better, you'd probably never guess I am an educated young woman who would know better but I am. My heart is just too powerful and allowed me to accept those ways.

Welcome, Ellie.  You've had a lot to handle in your young life.  It's hard to never know what might have happened in the future.  I'm sorry; my heart hurts for you and what might have been.

I want to address what you wrote above.  No, you are not crazy and you are not being stupid.  What we "know" and what our hearts and souls feel can be wildly different, especially in grief.  Please, I urge you to stop thinking of yourself that way.  You are human with a loving heart and you are grieving.

I don't say this to brag, but I am a very well educated woman with multiple degrees, including a Masters.  And guess what?  I act like a crazy teen sometimes too in the missing of my husband.  I "acted out" at home alone; I yelled and screamed at the universe; I refused to do certain things because I didn't want to and "you can't make me" (that was said to life in general).  It was especially true in the first year or so.  I felt like I couldn't handle life on my own, as if I was somehow useless and incompetent without him. Well, my brain said, "As if..." because I was educated with a good job, an apartment (with a roommate), friends, many activities, and was perfectly able to handle everything life threw at me before I married him, so why shouldn't I be able to do that again?  My heart and soul say, "Yes, but..." because I had a partner who was there for me, with me, through thick and thin, wonderful and painful, easy and difficult and I didn't feel like I could ever function or even live without him.

When we give our hearts to someone we love, even when the relationship has troubles and strife, we make ourselves open to the pain of loss.  It doesn't always, maybe usually doesn't (I don't know because I was lucky enough to be married to my best friend), matter if people are still together because the underlying love doesn't just vanish.

If anyone, anyone at all, in your life tries to make you feel like you are too young to know real grief or that your loss is "less than" because of the troubles in your relationship, they are wrong.  They are simply wrong.

You've found a really good place to be and you can talk to us.  We are in every stage of life, many different situations, and numerous types of relationships.  We have one really big thing in common:  We have lost the loves of our lives.  So have you.  I can't promise we'll have all the answers; in fact, I know we won't.  What we do have are open hearts that understand your pain in ways that no one else in your life can.  We will not judge or tell you what you should feel or think or do.  We will listen, comfort as we can, and give advice when asked.  Please come here often, read and post (rant, question, talk, and "scream").  Being here has helped me immensely.  I hope it helps you too.

[Roxeanne]

Hi Ellie i am very sorry for your loss...

Addiction is a terrible sickness....your boyfriend  loved you as he could! But he had with him an awful companion that he couldn't control

I know the raw pain to be left behind with questions  that have no answers...but you did what you can, it's not your fault...

you love him with the strengh of your young heart!

hope you have family and friends who can help you, anyway we are here to support you anytime you need...you can find some comfort and hope, knowing that you're not alone in your grief!

take care of you hugs Roxi

 

 

 

[KayC]

Ellie, I am so sorry for your loss, so sorry another person has to enter this world of grief and pain.  It's amazing to me that I've learned to do this...not free from pain, I continue to miss and love him each and every day of my life, and June 19, 2005, Father's Day that year, was the day in my life that set apart all other time into "before" or "after."  I didn't know how I'd make it through one week without him!  I couldn't understand for the life of me how the sun could go on shining!  Didn't it know the greatest man that ever lived was gone?!  How is it the rest of the world can continue with mundane things and silly chatter while my George died!

Little by little our bodies begin to adjust to this change, even though it seems abhorrent and unfathomable!  How can that be!  I attribute it to our amazing bodies that can adjust to most anything.  It takes much much time though, longer than I can say, it's a process and this is a journey that lasts the rest of our life.  But not all of it will be as day one was, that stands out as the most horrific day of my life, along with the ones soon to follow.

It helps to read and post here where there are others going through it...we hear you and understand.  No matter how many years have passed for me, I never forget...not for one moment, not one iota of what I've been through.  It's just not something we ever can forget.  My heart goes out to you and everyone here, we all know it to be the hardest challenge we've ever had.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

12 hours ago, ellie98 said:

I cannot afford a therapist

We found my daughter one that was income based and my sisters and I each contributed a bit to pay for it.  You might want to check into that and see if your family can help you.  It's what family does for each other.

[tnd]

ellie98:  I am very sorry for your loss and pain. Grief is by far the hardest pain and emotion to deal with. Go easy on yourself. Don't wreck your brain trying to figure out why it happened because you may never find the answer. My older brother died from his drug use. I never could understand why he went down that path. Rehab (twice) didn't work for him. I felt like he didn't care or love me enough to get off the drugs and be a part of my life again. When we were younger he was my protector and also my idol...I wanted to be just like him. But then more than 20 years went by without him. He'd come and go but very briefly. It made me so mad and also very sad at the same time. Guess I knew he'd end up dead but I wished it never happened. He was a great guy, a hard worker and very well-liked by people. But the drugs got to him and took away everything. I just try to think of the good memories now. I hope you will reach that point too where you will be able to think about the good memories. Even if his behavior and attitude at the time of his death made you feel unloved or unwanted by him, keep in mind it was the drugs. Not the good kind-hearted guy you knew. Drugs are an evil. Don't let the drugs that took his life take yours by bringing you down.