I lost my wife on our anniversary

[John9]

tnd,

It's "funny" you bring up the roses I was talking to my neighbor after the deer ate the roses  because it is technically his fault because he "feeds" them and that brings the closer than they should be. But anyway he told me to use Irish Spring soap and hang it near and the scent would keep them away and it worked for the deer. Now it didn't work for the rabbits and they ate all of my wife's hostas so what can I do I don't want the whole outdoors to smell like soap.

[tnd]

5 minutes ago, John9 said:

Now it didn't work for the rabbits and they ate all of my wife's hostas so what can I do I don't want the whole outdoors to smell like soap.

John9:  Unfortunately, my husband was the one with the green thumb, it was my job just to enjoy what he planted. But he kept a lot of gardening books and would read up on what grows best in our "hardiness zone" and so-forth. Now, as for the rabbits snacking on your wife's hostas's, the internet offers all kinds of ideas, such as homemade sprays. I don't remember but my mother only used them on certain plants. I think she used liquid dishsoap on some of them. She didn't like touching or messing with chemicals and of course, she didn't want to hurt any animals. I think she said something about the glycerin in liquid soap repels them. ?? Not absolutely certain on that. Otherwise, maybe some sort of low fencing or chicken wire but it would have to be secured so they can't just climb underneath it.   

[John9]

tnd,

I tried the fencing of the plants and my wife "hated" fences everywhere and there is some around the roses and the deer just reached over and the rabbits squeeze through it. I have too much area to put up wire and all I know is that we never had this problem when the predators were in the area because we would hear the worst sounds at night when one would catch a rabbit. I know that it is almost impossible to kill a hosta so hopefully next year the rabbits will be gone and the hostas will be back, I can't worry about the things I can't control and I am already stressed about too many things to "try" to stop them. I appreciate that you suggested some tips and I tried some stuff but I really don't care about the yard as much as I did when she was alive because that was her thing. I was the "grunt" work when they needed divided she always said WE need to do it. But now I'm just rambling.

[tnd]

John9:  I'm not surprised that your wife wasn't fond of fencing. Especially if there is a lot of it. Maybe next year you will feel more up to gardening. We have to take things one thing at a time. Right now my own grief feels very heavy like an anvil on my back. Grief seems to zap the energy right out of me.

When we still had a house my husband got me a few very large ceramics pots for the patio and a barrel so I could do container gardening. Much much easier. And the only ones that visited my container gardens were the bees and sometimes hummingbirds. When I use to live in an apartment with a deck, I put little flower boxes out there with real soil in them but with fake flowers. I wanted something bright and pretty to look at. Of course I didn't think what neighbors would think seeing everything "in bloom" during winter...

[John9]

tnd,

My wife had planters all over the back deck this time of year because she loved the colors and pots all over the yard with flowers also and hanging baskets too. I can't do it because I can't even bring myself to "open" the blinds to the back deck/yard area now that she died AND I don't have any dogs either. We spent most weekends sitting on the deck when the weather was nice and I can't do that either. I HATE this LIFE now.

[tnd]

John9:  I have moments like that all thruout the day. My husband and I have been thru so much that even my brother acknowledged that the past 10+ years of our life were hell. And just when I didn't think it could get any worse, my husband died. All the hardship and suckiness in the past was NOTHING compared to losing my husband. I think of giving up and for me, it would be real easy. All I'd have to do is remove the oxygen from my face and I would probably be gone in less than a couple hours. But I remember how upset my husband was when I mentioned that. He was practically angry that I even brought it up and said it would be very selfish of me. So, along with my 2 cats and thinking of what he said, I fight the urge and just carry on. One--day--at--a--time. I don't have to. Nobody can force me to. But I do it for my husband. Just because he's not physically here with me I know it wouldn't be right. He was a good man and walked a straight line. I don't think I should muddy that up. 

[John9]

tnd,

I "just" read the comments this morning and sadly today is one of the days that for NO other reason than that my wife died I feel like crap and don't care to do ANYTHING even the things I NEED to do. I never really had occasion to discuss with my wife the "ENDING" it part but for reasons stated before at THIS point I WON'T do it. I can see how people would have chosen to do so IF it was "legal" and Doctor assisted because again for reasons stated before (messing up and being worse off) I am just so TIRED of of the PAIN and my SUFFERING. I am also doing my One-hour-at-a-time thing because I can't do much more right now. I have nothing to look forward to, I lost my DREAMS, my HOPES, and my DESIRES so it is pure TORTURE for me.

 

[KayC]

John, (((hugs)))  I wish we could make this easier but honestly, I never found this an easy journey.

[John9]

KayC,

 Thank you and I KNOW that isn't easy and nobody likes it but like I said before I come here to vent and express my Troubles and Tribulations because "EVERYONE" here understands it and tries to help each other through it and it does help a little. I just NEED to tell someone how i feel, and today is another not good day. It isn't as if I have really had any good ones I just had some not real bad ones. I don't want to whine all the time but it is how I am feeling. Stop the train I want to get off.

[KayC]

And it's good that you do write, we NEED for there to be people who "get it!"  We NEED a safe place to express ourselves.  We need to not feel so alone in this.

[LennyD]

 

7 hours ago, KayC said:

And it's good that you do write, we NEED for there to be people who "get it!"  We NEED a safe place to express ourselves.  We need to not feel so alone in this.

We do need people who "get it!" because nobody that I've talked to since her passing gets it. Because I'm not sobbing over the phone or when we talk, they think I'm handling this just fine. I try to tell them I'm a basket case. my emotions are on a roller coaster, etc. And they leave the conversation thinking I'm fine.

I guess it's because they have no reference point. In their worlds they are not experiencing the same things I'm experiencing. We are talking about the same event, but because it's not them & their loved one, they have no true understanding to relate to what I'm going through. Does this make sense to anybody else?

[Sparky1]

58 minutes ago, LennyD said:

I guess it's because they have no reference point. In their worlds they are not experiencing the same things I'm experiencing. We are talking about the same event, but because it's not them & their loved one, they have no true understanding to relate to what I'm going through. Does this make sense to anybody else?

Lenny, it makes a lot of sense. The way I see it is people see our outer shell. They don't see and can't understand the pain in our hearts. Sure, we try to put on a brave face, but deep down only we know how it really feels. The loss is so painful to us that have lost our partners, and only we know how much it hurts. Some people are pretty compassionate and know how to interact with us, while others are ignorant and give stupid remarks that hurt more than not saying anything.

[John9]

LennyD,

1 hour ago, LennyD said:

 

We do need people who "get it!" because nobody that I've talked to since her passing gets it. Because I'm not sobbing over the phone or when we talk, they think I'm handling this just fine. I try to tell them I'm a basket case. my emotions are on a roller coaster, etc. And they leave the conversation thinking I'm fine.

I guess it's because they have no reference point. In their worlds they are not experiencing the same things I'm experiencing. We are talking about the same event, but because it's not them & their loved one, they have no true understanding to relate to what I'm going through. Does this make sense to anybody else?

I have NEVER put on an act or hid the fact I am GRIEVING, I have told ANYONE who I have talked to that I am CRYING EVERYDAY and I usually can't make it through the conversation without breaking down or choking up. And sadly it does make sense to me but UNTIL "THEY" go through a loss like OURS they won't ever UNDERSTAND or GET IT. It has been hard to make them understand in my case I was with my wife for 35 years and we enjoyed being with each other and HATED when we were apart. We called, we texted, we had notes everything a LOVING couple who wants to keep the marriage alive does. Sadly in my experience people want to believe all GRIEF is the same and as someone who is dealing with too many at this time they are NOT. And also as someone who has had many deaths before but never a spouse before now THIS is DIFFERENT.

[John9]

Sparky1,

51 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

Lenny, it makes a lot of sense. The way I see it is people see our outer shell. They don't see and can't understand the pain in our hearts. Sure, we try to put on a brave face, but deep down only we know how it really feels. The loss is so painful to us that have lost our partners, and only we know how much it hurts. Some people are pretty compassionate and know how to interact with us, while others are ignorant and give stupid remarks that hurt more than not saying anything.

I have never tried to put on a brave face in my GRIEF, I have told everyone I have spoken to about my wife's death just how HARD it is and I am a TOTAL mess. I WANT anyone that asks to be aware just how this is affecting me and it is TERRIBLE. Never has anything like this grief before and wouldn't want anyone to have to go through it but many will AND then maybe they will understand but also they will be so grief stricken that they won't realize the connection. "We" need to do a better job of educating the other people on how to handle GRIEVERS. We need support and we get it here but "I" NEED personal interaction with "my" support team and I have so little because all of the others abandoned me.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, LennyD said:

We do need people who "get it!" because nobody that I've talked to since her passing gets it. Because I'm not sobbing over the phone or when we talk, they think I'm handling this just fine. I try to tell them I'm a basket case. my emotions are on a roller coaster, etc. And they leave the conversation thinking I'm fine.

LennyD:  Exactly!  Altho I don't know why anyone would think someone is "just fine" after losing their spouse, that is exactly the feeling I am left with after talking to other family members. Both mine and his. Sometimes when asked how I am doing I'd like to say "My husband is dead. How do you THINK I am doing?" And then when they give the empty advice or comments, I'd like to tell them to shove it. Okay, so maybe that's a bit rude but really, some people have no filters. They speak before thinking. It's almost as if we need someone to shadow us, to help us through and to cope and prepare us for what people will say and then how to respond. My husband was so patient with people. I don't know how he did it but he was very generous with his patience. But as much as that helped, it also hurt him. People, particularly his own family, walked all over him and did not show him much respect. Not then when he was alive and not now. So while having patience can be a good thing, I think it can also hurt. Me? I try to just be upfront with people. Not that it has gotten me very far when dealing with my grief and family member's comments but I keep trying to explain it...over and over if I have to.     

[John9]

tnd,

The comment you made is why I said that dealing with us grievers should be something that friends and family SHOULD at least now with the internet look up to see how to HELP us. WE need them and they aren't there and as you say even if they are the comments are not helpful. The statement about "being dead" is true because that is WHAT I want to say when someone asks me how I am doing. But since "WE" didn't have much connection with friends and family before she died and almost none now there is nobody for me to say it to. I figure that it is almost to the point that if someone were to get upset with any response I give that they are looking for a reason not to call or deal with me. This is just my thoughts on this and sadly when nobody talks to me my thoughts are a DANGEROUS place for me to go to.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, John9 said:

I figure that it is almost to the point that if someone were to get upset with any response I give that they are looking for a reason not to call or deal with me.

John9:  I think I've experienced this exact behavior from people in the past concerning other problems or a crisis I was having. They disappear or stop calling, as if I'm just trouble or crazy. Maybe they feel like they are the ones put out. And now with the death of my husband, people I expected to at least call me haven't. Just silence. So at this point I figure that is one less person for me to have to explain things to over and over. One less headache for me to have to deal with. Anymore, I am just too tired, too sad, too sick and too stressed to worry about other people and why they aren't talking to me.   

[John9]

tnd,

I understand what you mean because as I have said I really didn't have much or many "people" and even less after my wife died. I could only HOPE that if the situation was reversed and I had died that at least her "family" would have been there for HER, but since most never called MIL to see how she is doing after "her daughter" died and it has been 130 days since she died. I would guess that they wouldn't have been there for her either and it would have been as bad for her as it is for me. I know my wife LOVED me as much as I LOVE(D) her and would have also been devastated if I had died but what makes it worse is the lack of support and sadly she probably never would have found this site or any other.

[KayC]

Gosh, people didn't have to have a reason to not call me, they just quit, right after George died.  It's as if I never meant a thing to them.  I know he's got to be severely disappointed in his family, but that's not surprising, his family was so dysfunctional.  He never gave up on them, he was there for them whenever they needed him.

John, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this too.  I guess all I've ever had are my sisters, even my kids don't call or answer the phone to me.

[John9]

KayC,

It's like the song "you find out who your friends are" I was always there whenever I could be for everyone and that is what makes it so hard for me. I didn't have much in the way of friends and when my wife was alive it was okay but now I am too old to make any "old" friends and too old to make new ones because it takes too long to weed out the weirdos and I might be one of them to someone else. I just hate the ALONENESS of being ALONE. I "told" my wife today when I was "talking" to her that it isn't only the issue of caring for MIL and everything involved in that but the always being ALONE.

[tnd]

On 7/21/2021 at 5:00 PM, John9 said:

I could only HOPE that if the situation was reversed and I had died that at least her "family" would have been there for HER, but since most never called MIL to see how she is doing after "her daughter" died and it has been 130 days since she died.

John9:  I am wondering if your wife's family hasn't called your MIL because they either figure that with her dementia she may not understand them or know who they are or...if they are now afraid that they will have to help out with her care. ??

Just the fact that you are caring for your MIL or for ANYONE while suffering from the worst pain in your life speaks volumes about your moral character. You might not feel you have a choice but you do. You could have chosen to just walk out or leave your MIL somewhere but you chose NOT to. It must be that little voice inside your head that is telling you not to because you have to be able to live with yourself. Or maybe it's your wife's heart speaking to yours. Wherever you are getting the strength or motivation from, I think you are doing the right thing. Just wish you didn't have to do it alone. There might come a time when you can't. And then what?  

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I know he's got to be severely disappointed in his family, but that's not surprising, his family was so dysfunctional.  He never gave up on them, he was there for them whenever they needed him.

KayC:  My husband was in the same situation with his family and no matter how disrespectful, cold or rude they were to him, just like George, he never gave up on them. It used to infuriate me because I know how much his family hurt him. He didn't complain to me about it but I could always hear it in his voice when he was on the phone with them or see it on his face afterwards. But then shortly before he ended up in the hospital he started giving them a little taste of their own medicine. It was almost strange because we hadn't talked about it...I just happened to notice that he stopped returning their calls and would put it off. He hadn't done that before. 

Anyways, people like my husband and your George are practically saints when it comes to patience and putting up with people.  

[John9]

tnd,

I can't speak for WHY her family hasn't called her and I am doing what I do because I "KNOW" that is what my wife would have wanted if we had ever had a chance to discuss what to do in this situation. I couldn't walk away because of that, and I do what I can for for as long as I can with or without help. I have "warned" my son and wife's Aunt that IF they need to care for her it isn't easy because she isn't "NORMAL" in regards to her treatment or the way she reacts to medications.

[tnd]

8 minutes ago, John9 said:

I can't speak for WHY her family hasn't called her and I am doing what I do because I "KNOW" that is what my wife would have wanted

John9:  I think you are doing the right thing. My husband may be gone but I still think of what he would have wanted or would have done in a situation. In that respect, he's still with me. I guess it's how I keep him close by. Not just in my heart but in the life I have to now lead. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, John9 said:

I am too old to make any "old" friends

ALL of our "friends" disappeared overnight when he died!  So I don't have any old friends but I made one with a lady who was there for him the weekend he died, before I got to the hospital, she split her time up between her husband and him in my absence.  I will forever be grateful to her.  We became best friends and her husband also died about four years after mine.  Six years later she moved to another state and remarried, I really miss her, no one has filled that spot since.  I'd worked on making friends and when Covid hit, again, lost them.  I made a new friend through Kodie's playdates, and now she has lymph node and breast cancer and has opted not to have surgery and chemo.  It's hard hitting.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, John9 said:

I am doing what I do because I "KNOW" that is what my wife would have wanted

I'm of the mind that you're a saint too, and hope you're greatly rewarded someday for what you're doing, I know you're not doing it for that but still I hope.

 

[John9]

KayC,

My wife always commented to me as to how I could just "talk" to people and I said it was because after a million years in retail, you have to talk to people. Although these days I have gone to stores and nobody acknowledges you unless they look up from their phones. Anyway I know I can talk to people but the issues are MIL right now and nobody wants to talk to a griever as a starting point. We never did what we did for a "reward" because as anyone who cares as a caregiver knows firstly there isn't enough money to compensate for the time and effort involved and secondly how could you attempt to balance the effort to a reward because I don't know the "exchange" rate. I am hoping that somehow this is God's plan and one day I will fulfill it.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I made a new friend through Kodie's playdates, and now she has lymph node and breast cancer and has opted not to have surgery and chemo.  It's hard hitting.

KayC:  I am so sorry about this! With everything else you are dealing with (your own health and your sisters), this would be hard for anybody. Hate to say it but when stuff like this keeps happening to me I wonder if I am just cursed. No  joke, years back I had a neighbor (or at least I'm pretty sure it was them) who not only annoyed me but who I was afraid of actually leave chicken bones scattered outside my front door in an obvious and intentional pattern. It was some sort of "hoodoo". A curse. Not that I believe in that stuff but it was pretty creepy. So sometimes I think back to that...as ridiculous as it might be. But seriously, in your case, I wonder if perhaps you were brought into your friend's life for a reason. She might not be able to be with you long term but you and Kodie probably bring her joy and strength that she may not have had otherwise. She's probably relieved that you haven't disappeared on her knowing she has cancer. And the doggie playdates probably helps her to help you. 

[KayC]

Me watching the dogs play together helps her be able to focus on what she needs to do.  I will be taking care of her dog for six days when she flies to Montana for her dad's funeral, I don't know how I'll do it, but I promised her dog would be alive when she comes back.   I'd stay there except no dogs allowed on the couch, and Kodie sleeps with me on my loveseat recliner, so I may come home to sleep/shower, IDK, I'll probably be back and forth, they're about a block away from me.  I'll manage, she needs to do this.

[JO2016]

So I have debated replying to this for days, but here goes. 

Lenny, I’m sorry for your loss. Last year on April 16, 2020, I lost my husband of four years. It was our anniversary. We had been together for ten years. He passed 29 days before his 39th birthday. And just over 2 weeks before I gave birth to our one and only child. 

There are still days that I wish I could wake up and it all be a bad dream. He was my everything. If I hadn’t been pregnant I would have died myself. There are still days when I want to. Even though that wouldn’t be fair to our daughter I still feel that way. 

He was my biggest supporter. We started dating just before I went off to graduate school. He was there when family doubted me. If I needed anything I would go to him. Even though we weren’t married he supported me financially when student loans weren’t enough. He was my cheerleader when I wanted to quit. 

When I finished and took my exam to be licensed and passed we started planning the wedding. He hadn’t officially proposed, but I knew he was it. The one I would grow old with. The one who would aggravate me to no end until the end. He was a jokester and sometimes it would piss me off. But I never stayed mad. I couldn’t. Because even mad I had to be near him. 

My mom didn’t like the fact that I was planning a wedding without a ring. She also didn’t like that we had decided that we didn’t want a wedding party. The only people we needed was the preacher, him, and me. We weren’t very traditional about some things, but we were on others. 

We found out we were pregnant and like most me he wanted a son. When we found out it was a girl he cried. He said he didn’t know what do with a girl. But I wholeheartedly believe he was already her favorite person. There were times she wouldn’t move hardly until he he started talking. And times when he was too close to my belly and she would kick. To be honest there are days I feel like she is looking for him. 

Everything seems so hard now. I couldn’t wait to be a mom. Now I have trouble being excited over milestones that most mothers get emotional over. I feel like there is a dark cloud over everything. I feel like I fail her because I can’t get over losing him. I want to punch people who say “oh you’re young, you will find someone else “. But I don’t want anyone else. We always told people that first year of marriage was rough and that if something ever happened to us neither of us would remarry. We had invested everything into each other. 

Now, everything is hard. It seems to snowball out of control starting in September (that’s when we found out we were pregnant), then it’s holiday after holiday. Then my birthday in January. Then more holidays. Then April was back before I could catch my breath. Then May is our daughters birthday, his birthday, and Mother’s Day. In to June for Father’s Day. Most days I cry (sometimes a lot, sometimes a little). But every day some how he always comes up. I still talk about him in the present tense. When I finally went back to work I was going to be home late and I went to call him to let him know. I hate doing this without him. 

[tnd]

On 7/24/2021 at 9:07 AM, KayC said:

Me watching the dogs play together helps her be able to focus on what she needs to do. 

KayC:  That is very generous and very kind of you. The doggos will no doubt love it. I remember being a little kid and how excited me and my friend would get if one of us could stay with the other. You're going to have your hands full, Mama! 

[tnd]

18 minutes ago, JO2016 said:

I hate doing this without him. 

JO2016:  Yours is a very sad story. I am so sorry for your loss and for your pain. I could not even imagine going through what you are. All of us on here have our own stories, our own pain. It's helped me to share what I am going through and how I feel about it. I get a lot of support here. I hope you continue posting. Tell us anything, the people on here don't judge, it's all about sharing, caring and consoling. May not make things easier or take away the pain but coming on here will give you an outlet and a place to reach out to. Just know, you are not alone! Take care. ** hugs **   

[LennyD]

JO2016,

Thank you for sharing. I can't imagine going through this with a new child and everything that is suppose to be so much shared joy that goes with having a child. It's been 3 months for me and I'm still numb. Lisa was my everything. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I'm not really participating in it anymore. My joy has died.

I wish you all the best. I hope somehow, in someway, the burden of what you are going through gets easier.

[John9]

JO2016,

I am sorry for your loss and I am sad that your daughter will not grow up with her Father for all of the important things. I know that comments from people will sometimes hurt but mostly it is because "they" just don't know how to respond and they don't always think first. I am not in the same situation as you but my Mother died when I was 2 and she was unfortunately not in my life, but if you "teach" your daughter about her Daddy believe me it will help you both. I was not really told anything about my Mother growing up because it wasn't done in "our" family. As I have said in other posts we will all grieve in our own way and if someone says you are young AND you can or will find someone "NEW" you are not obligated to respond unless you want to. It is just one of the things that will make you angry or upset and you don't need that "now or ever". It is "funny" because either way, whether you do or don't FIND someone new there will be some sort of negative comment. It's too soon, how can she, what about..., didn't she love him, etc. I hope that you can keep returning here for the support that only grievers can give because in our way we understand even though your grief is yours we will try to support you as much as we can. I hope you have support in your life from family and friends. This may seem like rambling but this is what we do also. Take care.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, JO2016 said:

I want to punch people who say “oh you’re young, you will find someone else “.

Of course you do, it's a highly inappropriate remark for someone to make!  They don't want us to grieve because it makes THEM feel uncomfortable.  Of course it does, none of us likes grief, none of us wanted to go through this but here we are!

I am so sorry for your loss, and that you are raising your child without him here to do it with.  

We want to be here for you as you go through this, I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, it helps.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[JO2016]

Thank you all. @John9 I will absolutely teach her about him. I have had artwork done to put them together after she was born. He always said what if she doesn’t like any of the things I like. As she gets older I know she would have been his shadow. We live in the country so he farmed, hunted, and rode ATV’s. She lives outside. She eats fresh blueberries, grapes, and apples. She loves to go to the garden. He would have been her favorite. 
 

I have held on to anything I feel like represents who is/was. That has been hard though because his family has asked for some of them. Big things like a car or his motorcycle because they wanted it to remain in the family. So I struggle with his side and the fact that they seem to forget they have memories that she never will. And having his things is a way for her to be able to connect. 

 

[John9]

JO2016,

I am sorry that you have to go through all of this, I don't know why "families"act the way they do except that "they" lost someone also. The problem seems to come from how the relationship is with the "spouse". My wife and I were together 35 years and married for 34 and most of her family acts like I don't exist and I have known them for more than half of their lives. I can't say how the future will be for any of us but maybe in you and your daughters case they will want to be a large part of her life and yours too. I am not sure if this will help you or if you fully understand what I mean because sometimes the thoughts don't translate to intent of message. Grief brain/brain fog.